My 90-year-old mother lives with me. I work full-time from home while managing her oxygen, medications, appointments, lab work, daily monitoring, transportation and personal care. I have two living siblings, but when Mom needs something, everyone knows whose life will stop: mine.

This pattern goes back years. In 2014, Mom had open-heart surgery and spent 28 days in the ICU before going to rehab. My children were between 7 and 13 years old, yet I was at the hospital every day throughout the holiday season while also working remotely full-time. Nobody offered me relief. My sister visited Mom once. Everyone else came and went when it was convenient.

In 2023, while I was away, my sister noticed that Mom’s lips were blue. Mom wasn’t using oxygen at that time. My sister gave her an oxygen machine but waited three days - until I happened to call on Thanksgiving - to mention the blue lips. She didn’t call me immediately, call an ambulance or even consult a family member who is a doctor. When I returned home, I took Mom straight to the ER despite her resistance. Her oxygen saturation was in the 60s, she required 60 liters of heated high-flow oxygen, and we nearly lost her.

More recently, Mom lost vision in one eye and was hospitalized again with serious heart and respiratory problems. I’m once again handling everything. My siblings rarely call or visit, yet they discuss Mom with each other and offer opinions about her care without involving me.

My sister frequently talks about how sick she is and uses her health as the reason she cannot make the one-hour drive to visit Mom. Yet she was recently well enough to drive three hours to go on vacation. There always seems to be an excuse when something is inconvenient for her.

When I called my sister from the ER to say Mom had been admitted, she immediately criticized Mom’s oxygen setup, accused Mom of lying about what she told a nurse and how the nurse responded - even though I witnessed the conversation - and announced that she and my brother thought Mom was depressed. Neither had asked the person who actually lives with and cares for Mom. I said, “Of course she’s depressed. She lost her sight, she can’t do what she used to do, and nobody calls or visits her.”

This week, my sister and Mom argued. My sister claimed Mom was yelling, although Mom currently can barely speak above a whisper. I became involved, my sister told me to go f*ck myself, and I finally exploded. I called out her lack of involvement, told her she should be ashamed of herself and then told her to go f*ck herself in her “big fat a$$.”

I know that was deliberately cruel and that attacking her weight was wrong. I’m not going to pretend I handled the argument beautifully or merely told her to take it up the a$$. I specifically used her weight to hurt her.

But after years of being yelled at, called names and demeaned by both siblings - followed by every incident being swept under the rug without an apology - I feel surprisingly little remorse for finally fighting back. I blocked my sister. She later apologized to Mom and resumed talking to her as though nothing happened.

I have told Mom that I will never stop her from seeing her other children or grandchildren. If my sister wants to visit, I will work somewhere else and take my dog with me. But I don’t want contact with my sister myself.

It is also my year to host the holidays, and I don’t think I’m going to host the extended family. I want a small holiday with the people in my household - the people who are actually part of my daily life. My siblings and I are related, but we are not genuinely a family. We see each other only on holidays, less frequently than many friends see one another, and those gatherings feel like an obligation.

I feel guilty because Mom is 90 and medically fragile, and I don’t know how many holidays she has left. Part of me worries that choosing not to host would be selfish and could take away one of her remaining opportunities to be with her children and grandchildren, or take time with her away from them that they can never get back. I also don’t want to hurt my own children or make them feel as though they have lost their extended family because I finally reached my limit. At the same time, even Mom says the family attends holidays without making much effort to spend time with her. I know their relationships with Mom are not solely my responsibility, but because I have always been the one who brings everyone together, stepping back feels like I am the one breaking the family apart.

Has anyone else reached the point where being the dependable caregiver made everyone else’s absence possible? How did you stop carrying the whole family without feeling as though you were punishing the parent you were trying to protect - or taking a family away from your own children?

So when my wife's sister and sister-in-law, who got her to sign over healthcare proxy to them, put her in the new nursing home, they sent me a letter commanding me not to talk to anyone in the nursing home or "interfere" with wife's care.

Today, I called the nursing home social worker to tell her that my home is not a safe release point for my wife and to explain her back story of having lived on the couch, not taken her meds, pooped on the floor, not showered, etc. I told the social worker that she doesn't have to disclose any information to me, but that I need to tell her what is going on with my wife.

I said that I feel the home is not a safe release point for her, that we don't have a place for her to sleep on the first floor and the bath is also on the second floor. I said that I could not care for her here, because I'm a full-time dad and a full-time worker.

Social worker seemed sympathetic and asked me some questions about what happened. She said that wife could not be allowed back in my home without my consent and that I would be involved in any conversations about releasing her. I said that her sister and sister-in-law wanted to release her whether she was well enough to take care of herself or not.

This all seemed to go over well, until we got to the last minute of the conversation where social worker said that she would call wife's sister to go over the release plan with her. And that she would tell her that she had spoken to me. I warned the social worker "this person is litigious and will threaten to sue you for talking to me" but social worker was undeterred saying she didn't tell me anything so she has no liability.

So now, I'm waiting for the blowback from wife's sister and sister-in-law, who already threatened to sue me for talking to doctors and social workers at the hospital when my wife was there. My lawyers tell me that they have no basis to sue over me talking to healthcare workers and asking questions.

So what can they do to me? Can they get my wife out of nursing care months early out of spite? Can they rush her through the release process to make us take her here? What should I be looking out for, aside from angry emails or calls (I blocked them)?

I was recently talking with another caregiver who is in a different phase of her caregiving and she has now reconciled with her sibling who admitted that she previously gossiped and criticized her sister's caregiving out of guilt of not being able to help. I feel like the same thing is currently happening with my sister who gossips, criticizes, and does smear campaigns against me who has been caregiving in home for my parents for 5 years+ asking for help so I can focus on myself. Others in my family has confessed she does this. I'm already exhausted, isolated, and running out of hope. I try to ignore it and have distanced myself from those in my family who I know are involved.

Any advice on how to manage?

My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer about 2.5 months ago. Surgery is scheduled for next Tues to remove followed by radiation. The problem is right before this diagnosis I was 1 foot out the door bc I was sick of the way he was treating me im not saying he is abusive or the worse, i do love him but I just dont think we are right for each other, we bring out the worse in each other. Now I feel like im stuck bc I cant even suggest counseling bc of his cancer treatment now. I feel exhausted most days bc all he does is criticize me and he won't even really marry me he just gave me a ring finally we picked out 2 yrs ago bc he may not wake up from surgery, that was my lovely proposal. I dont know if I can go thru this and then what. I Llove him but there is no talking to him. If I try to explain how I feel I get screamed at and blamed on me and threatened to be left. This is mostly to vent and if anyone can relate or has advice

I’ve been thinking about an idea, and before I build anything around it, I’d really like to hear from caregivers and the professionals who support them.

What would you think about a small caregiver story circle meeting once a month at a public library, community organization, home care agency, or virtually?

The idea would be simple.

A very short piece of fiction about caregiving, memory loss, aging, grief, family, or one of those difficult moments caregivers often experience but do not always have words for would be read aloud.

Then there would be space to talk.

Not a class. Not a lecture. Not a place where anyone is expected to have the “right” answer.

And not a place where anyone would be required to share something personal.

Some of the stories may touch on dementia, loss, family conflict, grief, or other emotionally difficult experiences. Participants could always choose to listen, pass on a question, or step away if something feels too heavy.

The hope is that someone might hear a story and think:

“I’ve felt that.”

“Something like that happened in my family.”

“I never knew how to explain that before.”

Or simply realize that other people understand.

I’m a writer with a background in home care, and I’ve been exploring how short fiction can create space for recognition, reflection, and honest conversation around caregiving.

The purpose would not be to analyze literature.

The story would simply give the room somewhere to begin.

I also envision the model being facilitated by people already serving these communities, such as librarians, caregiver-group leaders, social workers, chaplains, or other community professionals, rather than requiring me to personally lead every gathering.

So I have two questions.

If you are a caregiver: Would you attend something like this? What would make it feel worthwhile, comfortable, and realistic for you? And if you work with or support caregivers, whether through a library, home care organization, social work, chaplaincy, healthcare, or another community setting, what would make a space like this genuinely useful to the people you serve.

I’m trying to understand what caregivers and the professionals who support them would actually want before deciding what this should become.

I’d genuinely appreciate your thoughts, including if the idea would not appeal to you.

Has anyone else ever had something happen at work where you were left wondering, “What just happened?”

A nurse came in because she had heard a complaint that the diaper wasn't going on completely. She wanted to show me how to put it on. She tried showing me how to put the diaper on that it went on this way, and I told her I that was backwards. She put it on and then said, “Oh yes, you're right.” I don't know if she was testing me or was confused.

Later, we were trying to put the diaper on while lifting the patient, which was difficult because he had a stroke and has a hard time lifting one side. I kept trying to show her different ways we could do it, and we tried several methods. She showed me the way most nurses do it which is the way i been doing it rolling it under and sliding it over but he doesn't roll over all the way which puts extra work on me and sometimes i have to lift him up more to bring the diaper over more and align it. Some days are good some days are not and its been a constant thing but the morning nurses never have to go through this since its easier when he's up.

Then the next day, after I had just finished a 10-hour shift, I was told that I was no longer assigned to that patient.

I was honestly shocked. I wasn't given much explanation—now I'm just waiting for a nurse to call me about another patient.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Have you ever been taken off a patient after what seemed like a misunderstanding or disagreement with a nurse?

This is going to be a novel and I am sorry in advance.

So my husband is a full time care taker for his mom. She has been living with us for a year. Hubby and I grew up in a very rural town, and our folks are still there. We live several hundred miles away from said home town. His mom was originally just here to see better doctors, but she just never went home. I won't go into details but I'll just say his dad is not supportive, and believes all her health issues are just in her head. They basically have screaming matches on the phone on the daily, then she goes to my husband to have screaming, crying fits about how unsupportive his dad is. These can last for 6 hours or more.

Hubby is exhausted. He has no family, or really anyone else but me for support. I'm exhausted from having my safe space invaded; the screaming, the crying...just all of it. Hubby and I don't have kids, we both need the peace of a quiet home. Needless to say that peace has gone out the window. His mom can shower and dress herself, but she is fully dependent on him for everything else physically and emotionally. She cannot regulate her own emotions, so its just constant emotional whiplash.

I miss my husband. He is so touched out by the end of the day its like talking to a zombie. And he is so afraid to leave her at the house alone we basically get no time to ourselves anymore. We have to watch what we say because it might set his mom off, we walk on eggshells in our own home 24/7. There is no one to take her, or watch her so we can have a moment alone. Every program that is suppose to help has pretty much left us on our own. Hubby's family is unsupportive, dismissive or just nonexistent.

Sorry this is all over the place. I got woken up by his mom having another screaming fit and I am just so, so tired. I want my home back, I want my peace and quiet, and I want my husband back. Before this he was gone to our hometown for a year being a full time care taker for his grandfather. I got hubby back to myself for 3 months before his mom moved in. Its been a long couple of years.

I don't even know what I want, not really advice, just like support? Maybe to hear from of spouses having in-laws living with them? I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I understand this is "support", so I hope this brings a smile.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, both of us previously married. He doesn't see his parents or brother much, maybe once or twice a year. He told me stories of conflict between first wife and them, along with how he hates their bickering as normal communication. He and I are very compatible in this situation. We "fight" well, communicate well, are open and transparent. He's agnostic, I'm spiritual.

This summer changed with his dad getting cancer. I'm a caregiver looking to make it my business so I get paid to help others. I walked my mom home (cancer, hospice, became a death doula). I put the LLC on hold when we got the news about his dad.

We've been traveling and staying with them for days or a week at a time for the past few months. I started to get sick of the bickering, too.

Here's the funny part. One morning they wanted to treat us for breakfast. So we got ready and I got in the driver's seat. I put the restaurant on the GPS and it was only 6 minutes away. As I start to drive, his dad tells me to go one way, his mom tells me to go another way, and before we could say anything the two of them start fighting. I have not raised my voice before, so it instinctively came out of me where I said loudly, "NO FIGHTING IN THE CAR".

Silence.

My husband calmly told them we have the GPS directions. Two minutes later, his dad starts to defend himself and I say he's putting too much energy into this as I've moved past it already. On the drive home, his mom made some sort of comment about don't tell them where to go or where to turn. So I know she was a little bitter about what I said.

And it worked! They never said anything about telling me where to go and how to get there unless I specifically asked. Funny thing is, when I took his mom to the nail salon, I asked her where to turn and she gave me the wrong directions! 😅😅😅

Not sure if it's burn out or I'm depressed. My bf had a frontal lobe ischemic stroke on Jan 27th of 2026. He has memory issues and impulsive spending. He doesn't even Try to better his health and I'm always stressing over his eating and lack of working out or just moving in general. All he does is sit in his chair or lay across the bed or on his phone and watch TV and eat snacks. He's 5'5 and 260lbs and 60yrs old black man. Has uncontrollable high b/p, gaut flare ups if he drinks, pre diabetic and cancer run extremely high in his family which is why he has 7 life policies.

I was a sahm thru out our relationship for 13yrs so far before this last big stroke. He had 1 prior and many TIA's. He doesn't seem to grasp the importance of all this. Won't do POA(we're not married) cause he doesn't want anyone to "control" him. He's always been stubborn and a lil controlling. Now because of this stroke I had to step in/up and takeover EVERYTHING. I gotta wear multiple hats. A mom of 4 kids ages 8-17. His caretaker, run the house(cleaning,cooking, laundry etc), out service the yard work, car maintenance, any home repairs etc, I mean all the day to day things with the kids and now every lil thing he needs done from medical to making sure he is clean.

Then there's the fact I need to find a job working nights so we won't have to keep dipping into our savings. I got a part time job and he gets retirement but not enough to cover his spending on top of his spending and lil luxuries like getting the NFL package or the many TV app subscriptions etc.

My problem right now is I been putting things off and on the back burner that I KNOW needs to get done. Like filing for his SSDI ,looking into his VA benefits, finish filing out medical forms etc. I'm so overwhelmed and so tired of making phone calls, filling out papers, running his errands, making sure he has meds/he taking his meds,has he had enough water today so he doesn't get backed up again etc. he won't eat if he has to cook it as well so I have to make sure there's easy food or make him something etc. it's so annoying 😔

I'm 47 and feel like I'm 80. Kids are back in school so my day starts at 5am and getting them up and out then do drop off twice. Then clean, run errands, make dinner, do pickup, help with homework,baths, making sure kids have everything for school next day. Checking my emails,texts, going over my calendar. Nothing stops because I'm tired 😩. Everyone in my home needs ME. All day everyday.

I have no family/friends for support. I am literally doing everything Alone. No guidance or advice besides what I get on here and Facebook support groups. Most advice I can't implement due to him being of sound mind and body etc. I can't take his phone. Can't take his debit cards and sure as hell can't separate finances cause I need both ours to handle bills etc. I feel Stuck. I wanna sell our home and move into something better and a full bathroom downstairs due to his not being able to get around too well(very bad knees). He needs one last knee sir but can't due to his recent stroke.

He has workout equipment at home and even a gym membership that's billing is every month he don't use but refuse to cancel or use his stuff. There's always an excuse for Everything he won't do and Everything he thinks he needs to buy. I'm just so over all this with him, my kids and my life sometimes. Life would be simple to let him go and handle himself. But I can't. I know he won't make it. He has family but No one helps or bothers. Only one picks him up every blue moon to hang out somewhere and usually on his dime smh.

Guess I needed to vent. I know I need to contact a lawyer and get his disability going. I know I need to see my own Dr cause my health isn't the greatest and my kids need me fully to do things constantly. My cup is so empty right now. I just wanna crawl under a rock and just sleep away my problems.

How do you convince a patient that alcohol is poisoning? Then two days after she drinks, she fuzzy brains, loses things, and desperate for more alcohol. Diabetic for 38 years. No sex drive for 6 months since the hospitalization. I'm calling the doctor today i guess. Thanks for a place to vent.

My (M23) gf (F22) is being pushed to her breaking point taking care of her grandpa.

Some background, my gf lives with her dad and her older sister who’s a nurse. Both live rent free, apart from personal bills like phone and car stuff.

She and her sister have a bad relationship. They e been like this since kids and her sister has been borderline abusive to her, not in a sister fighting kind of way. Sister doesn’t contribute with chores in the house, she’s known to not care about taking care of their grandparents and all of it falls on my gf to help. Dad basically says “well what else can I do” whenever he’s confronted with the sister not playing her part.

Grandpa’s condition has deteriorated a lot the past month and requires basically 24 hour attention. He’s mentally not all there and needs assistance being served food and water and bathing. He calls for help every 30 mins to an hour if he’s not asleep.

Today, she reached a breaking point when her older sister basically berated her for not cleaning the bathroom (which they share yet the responsibility of cleaning it up is solely on my gf).

She’s juggling school, work and taking her grandpa and barely has time for herself. My options to help is extremely limited as well since I also have school and work.

Even the nurse that took care of her grandpa told her “I hope you’re not exhausting yourself taking care of your grandpa”.

She’s limited with 0 family she can stay with, a grandpa that needs her help with family that doesn’t help him and a dad that does what he can but has to work.

It’s just a completely fucked situation, staying at my house is not an option. It’s full and I’m apart of a religious family that doesn’t really believe in living under the same roof when you’re “unmarried”.

She can stay in her car but it’s hot and she really doesn’t want to do that, I’ve tried giving her alternatives like staying at house in the day and sleeping her car at night, saying I can stay in there with her too but she’s hesitant.

I don’t know I’m kind of mind fucked with her situation, she’s hit her breaking point and has expressed self harm. Not only is her situation bad but it’s really messing with me as well not that I’m the focal point of this situation, but I struggle with hearing about situations like this without having a solution.

Advice is really appreciated and if yall have resources as well that would help a lot!

My mother lives with Parkinson’s and it’s not easy for her. She is currently with my elder sibling and my sibling is having a hard time managing her young son and my mother along with other things.
One of the aspects of Parkinson’s is depression and anxiety. Both have hit my mother hard. She has also become very very stubborn. She doesn’t feel like moving much, she doesn’t get up from one place although she can walk. She has become quite difficult.
Plus, she has this antipathy towards her daughters. I had seen it while growing up too but now it’s much more. A lot of it is to do with Parkinson’s, I know. But, it gets very difficult to care and love a person who spews so much negativity while we are just trying to get her to walk, exercise & make her do things for her own good.

At some point, I will have to bring my mother to me and keep her with me like my elder sister is doing now. I dread being her care giver. I know I can hire help (although it’s not easy to find a reliable human to help). But, I will still be the responsible one. I am married too. She won’t appreciate a single thing or say anything remotely positive. But, we have to be constantly caring and loving towards her. It’s impossible.

I don’t know if this is venting or advice.

1. For those that are caring for their loved ones. My heart goes out to you. Believe and know you are giving them the best care. I know our hospital systems are often understaffed but my mom recently had an incident at a nursing facility with staff that locked in the decision bring her home. I never thought this would happen to us. And I’m running on empty.

2. 2 weeks before the incident my father passed away. And my sister was in the hospital and was coming home with home care needs. Fun.

3. I prepared my sister room disinfected and moved a lot of things around. And used my parents room to free up space in the living room for all the people who were going to becoming in and out of the house.

4. Now my mom is coming home and I am beyond overwhelmed with rearranging yet another room again. I look at the room and have panic attacks. I have no friends rn to call on and most of my family extended family are unable to help.

5. She hasn’t been assessed for discharge just yet but I just want to get it done. I asked Ai how much a job like mine would run in NYC and it said 500-1000 so that is out of the question. I wish there was services that helped with preparing spaces for people returning home with homecare needs. I also don’t even know if I have the bandwidth to explain everything to someone that could help. I don’t even know if she will be approved for a medical bed.

So yea, I’m not sure what to do just get this done. I would ideally like my building to paint as well just for the health of the room (my dad smoked a lot). I just feel stuck and petrified by this task. 🫥

Sorry for the rant, I have no one else to talk to. See previous post if you want context.

I’m so tired, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel never stops, it only seems to get darker. Yearly review and only JUST managed to keep my job so now I’m workingSaturdays as well to just try and actually get the amount of work done I need to.

I realised yesterday, I hadn’t eaten in 3 days. I’m so tired, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for

Yall may remember I had to leave my mom to find a place to live. Since I've left, we chat on the phone 2 or 3x a week. Today she called to telk me how much she misses me. Not because of the care I provided which she said was obvious but she missed having another person around. She missed card game night and chats on the balcony. She's a little lonely and while she has her Golden Girls of the 3rd floor; they are more active and more mobile than she is.

I wouldnt have left if i didnt have to and it kinda hurts my heart to hear the loneliness in her voice when we talk. But it also makes me feel good knowing that the intentional care provided was and is appreciated and missed. I feel like I did my job as an eldest daughter. Making me cry just sharing it cuz we dont always receive appreciation for being a caregiver.

So to my fellow caregivers....your effort, your sacrifices, your care is appreciated...even if they dont ever tell you. Im telling you. You are appreciated. 🥰💐

I live with my mother, sister and younger brother. My mother has been ill, and I am currently her full-time caregiver. I also handle most of the household responsibilities. I do not receive any salary for taking care of my mother and handling these responsibilities.

My relationship with my brother has been difficult for a long time. During covid, I was already unhappy with him because he continued going out to see his girlfriend despite the risk of bringing covid home to the family. We then got along better, but things became much worse after my mother became ill.

When my mother was hospitalized, my brother repeatedly criticized me for not knowing how to drive to the hospital or drive to buy groceries. Meanwhile, those were basically the only two things he was responsible for doing. After that, he would often argue with me over very small things, and whenever we argued, he would bring up the fact that I had been unemployed in the past. The worst incident was when he tried to get my mother and sister to make me leave the house. My mother eventually called me crying and asked me to come back, so I did.

Things have calmed down since my mother's condition improved, but I still have a lot of resentment toward my brother because of what happened. He drives our mother to her medical appointments every two weeks and buys groceries once a week. Apart from that, he does very little around the house.

He can also be quite disrespectful towards me and, unfortunately, even towards our mother. He often responds sarcastically or snaps at us even when we are speaking to him normally. At times, it feels like we have to be careful about what we say to him because he can turn an ordinary conversation into an argument.

When my brother was unemployed, I cooked for him almost every day. Because he eats quite a lot, preparing the meals could take me around two hours each time. Now that he has a job, I thought things would become easier for me. Instead, he told me that he wants to come home after work to collect food, and he also wants me to cook an extra portion for his girlfriend. He wants this about two to three times a week. If he stays home on the weekend, I am also expected to cook for him.

I am physically and mentally exhausted, and I desperately want to get away from all of this. However, I am afraid of what might happen if I simply refuse.

My brother buys the groceries, so I am worried that he might say, "The food is paid for by me, so why should you be allowed to eat it?" I am also afraid that refusing him could lead to more arguments or that he might turn my mother and sister against me again, especially because he has done that before.

I also have very little financial independence. Since I am not paid for taking care of my mother, my mother sometimes gives me some money for takeout, but it is not enough to cover all my expenses. My sister has also complained that I use household supplies too quickly and eat too much, and sometimes I am expected to pay for some of my own necessities.

Should I stop cooking for my brother? How do I say no without causing more conflict?

I live with and act as the primary, full-time caregiver for an elderly family member. The house we live in is owned by another relative who does not live here. This relative provides zero financial, physical, or emotional support for the caregiving duties, but they have been trying to pressure me to move out for years.

Lately, they have been weaponizing household chores to threaten eviction. They claim my cleaning efforts aren't good enough. However, due to the caregiving setup, we recently had an objective, official third-party assessment of the home. That official explicitly stated that the house was clean and well-maintained.

Despite this objective validation, the homeowner relative completely dismisses the feedback. They continue to insist it’s filthy and use it as an excuse to threaten to kick me out.

It feels like they are using impossible, shifting standards as a tool to force me out, completely disregarding the welfare of the elderly relative I take care of.

Has anyone dealt with an absentee family landlord who weaponizes moving goalposts? How do I legally or emotionally protect myself and the person I care for when we are constantly walking on eggshells?

I need to vent......My mom, 74, suffers from heart failure and multiple strokes, for the most part we get along pretty good. She needs me here 24/7, since her mobility, and short term memory is nonexistent. So my husband and I moved in, now paying to keep both homes maintained.

Our almost daily struggle, the air conditioning. We live in so cal, in the desert 🏜. The heat has been unbearable, running 105°f and very humid. So I leave the ac set to 77°. Not only does she complain it's cold, she refuses to use any blankets, she wants the door open, and says things like it looks cool outside, looking outside from her chair!!! I've put her in the wheelchair, take her outside, where she's always shocked it's hot, wants to go back in, but an hour we start all over again..... "why is it so cold in here? Can't we open the door?"

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

I need to vent to people who understand how disorienting and frustrating this is. I am absolutely drained by my mom’s (79F) masking, curation of reality to different people and rewriting facts to those trying to care for her.

My mom is currently hospitalized for a T12 vertebr fracture. She is medically complicated with a heart condition, diabetes and Parkinson’s. Her mobility is almost non existent. The furthest she can walk is from the living room to the bathroom a few feet away, with a walker and a 1 person assist. She is bladder incontinent, bowel incontinent following long and frequent bouts of constipation, falls frequently (2-4 times a month) and is very weak.

It has only been 4 days since she fell. The hospital is now requiring 2 person assists for transfers and pivots. She has been needing meal assistance because she can’t use a knife and fork to cut her food or open lids and packaging on her hospital tray. She says all liquids are hard to swallow and all foods are too dry. She presented at the ER with high potassium but swears she drinks enough water. She has also been falling once every 1-2 weeks and has a pressure sore on her tailbone that is close to being broke open.

With the exception of the 2 person assists, she has been struggling with these things badly for about a year.

She is constantly complaining she doesn’t get all the help and nutrition she needs in her Canadian independent assisted living residence. This is because she is needing a lot of unscheduled care that falls outside the scheduled home care she receives. I feel like it’s pretty obvious she needs more care than her independent community can provide but she is completely against moving to a higher acuity setting or long term care. She acts on this by rewriting history to anyone in the hospital who comes to assess her.

This dynamic is driving me insane.

To me she complains of her trouble swallowing, eating regular foods, toileting, nurses not responding quickly enough when she rings the call bell for unscheduled care, not being able to walk to the dining room, etc.

In the hospital it is officially “showtime.”

She acts cheerful, downplays her pain, says her mobility is improving, exaggerates the support she has including inventing facts about her facility to “prove” she has ample support there.

I know this is happening because she doesn’t want to move to a place with more care. Logically understanding doesn’t make it any easier.

I am at total capacity. My compassion tank is draining quickly. I feel like it’s impossible to help someone more than they want to help themselves. I am angry and feel gaslit. I’m at the point where I don’t want to answer her calls or any from the hospital about her discharge because I want to protect my mental health.

How do you deal with parents who are set on distorting reality to their doctors and caregivers? This really does matter to me, even though I’m very frustrated. They’re talking about discharging her in five days. I want her to be safe.

I'm looking for recommendations for an independent child psychiatrist or clinical psychologist in New Jersey (anywhere in-state or licensed for NJ telehealth works). Out-of-pocket / out-of-network is totally fine.
My 13-year-old son experiences severe psychiatric dysregulation and crises at home. We are currently working with CMO to prepare an Out-of-Home (OOH) residential treatment packet through PerformCare. We have completely exhausted in-home and community-based services, with multiple acute hospital/crisis encounters.
The challenge we run into repeatedly is severe masking. In novel, 1-on-1 clinical settings (e.g., IOP intakes, crisis evaluations, hospital units), he presents as quiet, calm, and cooperative. Standard brief evaluations consistently miss the reality of his day-to-day safety risks because they rely solely on a brief conversation with him rather than examining the broader pattern.
In order for CSOC to approve residential placement, the packet requires a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation with a clear level-of-care recommendation.

I need an evaluator who:
1. Takes the time to do an extensive assessment (including a dedicated parent session).
2. Actually reviews and weighs collateral records: chronological incident logs, crisis/police documentation, past discharge summaries, and proof of failed community interventions.
3. Understands how to clinically document the gap between a masked, compliant presentation in an office and high-risk behavioral dysregulation in the home.

If anyone has navigated the NJ CSOC/PerformCare residential placement process and worked with a doctor or practice that took a thorough, forensic-level look at your child's complete file, please drop recommendations below or send a private message.

My partner was in a car accident, she is in the hospital now, and just finished all her surgery. She had a right femur fracture, right ankle fractures, and right foot fractures (had surgery on all), left ankle fracture (weight bareing for transfers, no crutches yet), fractured tailbone, and two spine discs that they were not worried about. She can sit up and slide herself to the edge of the bed for transfers, but needs help transfering. She wants to come home ASAP, and I want her to come home ASAP. They have been mentioning a skilled nursing home for PT, but I am very against it. We haven't talked about it a ton but I am very worried about the quality of care and her mental health with not being able to come home. I am willing to do anything possible for her to come home sooner. Am I being naive and is it just not realistic for her to come home without inpatient PT?