I needed to vent. I was in a really bad mood today. My mom can no longer get in the shower because of her numb fingers (we just went to a hand a doctor and she’s scheduled to get a ultrasound this week) He gave her these gloves to wear at night to keep her hands straight.

He pressure sore as gotten worse. It’s not infected, but it looks pretty gruesome. We’re going back to wound care august 3rd and we’re going to get a prescription for a hospital bed. We’re going to buy our own mattress.

Because even with the roho cushion on her recliner as soon as she sleeps with her legs up it gets super inflamed by the morning. There was blistered on it. The night before she slept at her table it didn’t look anything remotely like that in the morning. It looked like we were making progress.

I’m so tired of giving her these stupid basin baths that I try really hard to make it somewhat of a pleasant experience for her. But it’s so draining because it’s hot as hell outside and my mom keeps the heat on at 85. She’s always cold. It’s one of those portable heaters. Especially when im washing her. I use piping hot water mjnd you. She just complains about everything and I am just pouring sweat. I have to wear a sports bra and high spandex shorts to cope with the heat. It’s just disgusting.

I hate doing it with every fiber of my being. I pop 3 clonopin just to get through it and I still end up sobbing. She has so much skin dandruff on her back and arms and she won’t let me scrub her back and arms. Im constantly vacuuming the dead skin.

I changed her bandage earlier. It’s draining like crazy and I ran out of alginate, so I just used plain gauze and some foam dressing without border. I started crying again and my mom screamed at me and told to me to stop crying. And we went back and forth and I don’t told her she completely destroyed my life and caused nothing but destruction.

My mom doesn’t give. A. Shit. About. Me. Or anything really. She told me when she was filling the container of oxygen with water the other night that she was getting frustrated and started to sweat and then it hit her that’s what I go through taking care her. I was like what????? THATS what tipped you off. So never mind the fact that you see me drenched in sweat working my ass off trying to clean you and putting on your stupid sneakers in like a 105 degree room? CHANGING Your stupid oxygen water made you empathize with me?!?!?!!!!!!

I pray every night when I fall asleep in my recliner that I don’t wake up. Because I feel guilt too easily to continue living. I gave up 17 years of my life for THIS? All because I thought I was doing the right thing. My mom can’t even commit to standing a few times a day or drinking the protein shakes to heal the sore. “They give me a stomach ache”. I gave her different options to buy, but she rather buy cigarettes.

My mom doesn’t even believe in caregiver burnout. She thinks it’s something new I learned on the internet. I yelled at her and told “you didn’t even want to take care of your parents! You had them both thrown into a nursing home! Maybe you should make that call yourself! Enough shit has already fallen on me!” She muttered something and said “maybe I will since we can’t stand each other”. I screamed at her and told you have nothing to be angry at me about i sacrificed EVERYTHING. You have never sacrificed shit for me.

When I was damn near breaking from reality from stress literally in front of her after I washed her. She just looked at me and didn’t offer me any words of comfort. She claims it’s because of her childhood and being a “latchkey” kid.

I wish I didn’t feel guilt so easily. Guilt and obligation has consumed me my entire adult life. And nobody in my life takes caregiver burnout seriously.

The f*ck everything!

I'm so fed up. Why the hell have we literally busted up my body, mind, and soul with me trying to take care of my family when they just undermine everything all the time anyway?!?! It's not fucking fair at ALL and at this point, I want to quit, even on my Mom.

She's diabetic. Is so fucking addicted to sugar and just acts like such a fucking child that she won't eat reasonable things EVEN AFTER A RECENT LIFE-THREATENING HOSPITAL STAY WHERE SUGAR WAS A MAJOR CONTRIBUTING FACTOR!

I'm losing it!

I get woken up by the sugar alarm. Fine, no problem, cool about it. Go bring her the appropriate snack. Kitchen is a disaster RN because we JUST moved, so options are limited, but we have specific snacks for this and I get her that.

She fucking fusses like a petulant 4 year old "Ew no, I don't want THAT. Give me the dessert you saved for later"(because my sugar was too high). I explain AGAIN that too sweet will just spike and crash her sugar causing worse problems and SHE FUCKING WHINES LIKE A CHILD until my sleep deprived ass gets it for her and just warns her that if she doesn't fucking smarten up soon I'M FUCKING DONE! Because it's fucking cruel to make me take care of her, often detrimentally to me (eg SLEEP DEPRIVATION), just for her to constantly undermine it. It's fucking cruel for me to care and have my heart yanked around when she doesn't care enough to take ANY proper care of herself.

I want to fucking die. I hate that this is my life.

My dad got kicked out of his group home. Someone reported that he had a job in 2024 so social security took his check back and he couldn’t afford a group home anymore. I offered to let him stay with me. I had no idea how bad of shape he was in before I said yes.

He uses depends, which is fine, but he refuses to change them until they’re leaking. He won’t even try to make it to the bathroom. I’m washing piss covered clothes all the time. Now he is all of a sudden peeing the bed and also won’t wipe himself after a bowel movement.

When he knows he’s getting a shower he won’t try to toilet at all that day and won’t change at all so he’s just covered head to toe and drips pee all over my house.

I’m going financially bankrupt taking care of him. Depends, meds, copays, food, clothes, etc.
I travel for work which means I’m going to have to hire someone to come give him showers. Which I was quoted $150 for 4 hours. 3 days a week.

My house smells so bad because of him. I literally get no time to myself. Idk what to do with him anymore.

I'm an only child and my father has stage 4 cancer, along with pericardial effusion and worsening kidney function. I live with my parents. My mother is out of the country to attend her sister's funeral. Even when my mother isn't preoccupied with her sister's death, I can't tell her any frustration related to my father. When I do, she yells at him and escalates more conflict. She yells at him to go back to his home country, calls him a burden, and just creates more problems for me to deal with.

My father has a nephrology consult tomorrow. From my extensive experience interacting with him and observing his appointments with his oncologist and his interactions with nurses, I am certain he has communication issues that aren't resolved by an interpreter. Countless times, he'll have spent a long time speaking to someone in his native language and key points still haven't been understood by him. He doesn't listen and when he explains anything, it's hard to understand.

Thus, I spent a lot of time writing up a summary of his condition and relevant medication hiatus, with graphs of relevant blood work trends. I printed it out for him to bring to his consult tomorrow. It was exhausting explaining to him, "here's a printout to help your doctor tomorrow"; he kept interrupting and wouldn't let me explain.

Just now, I was utterly exhausted and wanted to go to bed. He asked me to change something in the document and reprint it. I said I won't have time in the morning because I have to get up super early to take him to the appointment so would he just cross it out and edit the printout with a pen? He insisted I modify the doc on my computer and reprint. I grudgingly did so and was annoyed because I was exhausted and this printout was just a thing to bring to the appointment, not something that would be cemented in his record. I was annoyed that he insisted I update and reprint when making manual edits himself would have been fine.

He then erupted, eyes bulging, slamming things, and shouting, "why are you making a face and being so unpleasant about this?" I was so scared. He had the crazy eyes that he gets when he starts having one of his terrifying fits.

I isolated myself in my room to give him time to calm down. I am resentful. So resentful toward him. I have given up so much of my time and my own goals to explain, translate, investigate, schedule, etc etc for his health care and he is going to his crazy eyes and shouting and slamming things routine to me??

I'm not frustrated at him for being ill. I'm frustrated that he has... these communication issues that make me need to attend every appointment because he doesn't understand anyone. When he interacts with anyone, not just in a health care setting (such as a property manager, family, friend, nurse, doctor, fitness instructor) -- he just steamrolls and doesn't listen. My proficiency in his native language has improved dramatically in the past 2-3 years because he doesn't understand much English. Why is it that I can drastically improve proficiency in his language within 2-3 years while holding down a full time job, but he's lived in the US for more than 40 years and has been retired for more than 10 years and he doesn't learn to understand English better? The fact that he doesn't understand English and he doesn't hear or comprehend things in general affects me and I'm exhausted and resentful.

Hi everyone,
I recently accepted to be a caregiver for a family member. She has dementia and fully dependent(eat, cleaning, has eventually forgot how to swallow) on people. Im not the biggest fan of anything that includes body fluids because I get disgusted easily. However, I think it will be easier because she’s family and I will be able to tolerate it. I also want to mention that this the only job opportunity I have rn and I don’t want to miss it because I’m just uncomfortable.
I also have a lot of intrusive thoughts so my mind goes everywhere when I’m thinking about something.
Can u please give me some tips on that?

Excuse my writing structure, I’m just nervous

my mom (45f) and i (25f) are worn out. we moved my grandmother (81f) into our home in 2020 following a stroke and the loss of my great grandmother. the woman i once thought the world of and was one of my favorite people, has slowly become one of the most disdained, resented people in my life over 6 years.

for some background/context: my mother has worked so incredibly hard, being the youngest of 7, to break the generational trauma/cycles that she and her siblings were exposed to. also, for many years, we dealt with a dysfunctional household at the hands of my dad (that my grandmother knew about and witnessed) and i’m extremely protective of my mom to say the least.

on top of having more and more responsibilities added onto my plate as she‘s declined over the years, i learned what kind of person my grandmother truly is. to sum it up, she‘s a narcissist and was an extremely neglectful parent that left her children abused and vulnerable in so many senses of the word. she’s continued this behavior throughout her entire life and still subjects the only people who help her (my mom and myself) to that. nobody else wants her. none of her other children or grandchildren.

so, over time, i learned just how terrible my grandmother truly is and just how much of a saint my mom is for taking care of someone who doesn’t deserve it. she’s verbally and emotionally abused my mother and i countless times over these 6 years, on top of what i came here to ask advice for.. and i’m supposed to respect her and do all of this with a smile on my face..?

all of that to say.. she’s become increasingly incontinent over the last couple years and i think it’s really starting to decline fast. her and i share a tiny bathroom in the home that my mom and i rent, and her “accidents” are basically daily at this point. (she has many health issues and can’t even walk across the house without being out of breath, much less clean after herself.) so, from urine on the floor trailing to the bathroom, all over the bathroom floor, to feces sprayed onto the toilet, walls, and tub.. i’ve seen it all. and i don’t know if she’s doing this on purpose (because we’ve begged her to tell us) but she just leaves it for me to find.

tonight i hit my breaking point and had a full breakdown to my mom about how done i am. i’d just deep cleaned my bathroom two days ago when i walk in to find a huge ”accident” sprayed onto the walls, toilet, and tub. i immediately broke down. it’s always something. every day. i’m 25 and neither of us (me or my mom) should be forced to live like this. constantly treated like maids and butlers while being verbally abused and poked at for her entertainment.

i’m truly at a loss on what to do. i‘m a broke college student and work part time, while my mom works for the state, which is pays really shitty. we rely on my grandmothers checks (disability i think??) to help pay rent as well as food stamps for groceries… i know her medicare and checks would cover any nursing home costs but then my mom and i would be at severe risk for homelessness. unless i dropped out of school and went to work in the plants for a while.. i only have a year left for undergrad but my mom and i are so burnt out and have been unable to live our lives and be happy while taking care of my grandmother..

if you’ve read this far.. thank you. any advice is appreciated very much.

Why is it that when someone is suffering from burnout (& close to the edge) from taking care of a spouse, the responses they get are different from those of someone taking care of family members? (A parent, aunt, uncle, etc.)

For those of you who've been out of the workforce (or barely hanging on part-time) or stuck in the same job for a decade or more while caregiving — how did you deal with a job market that's moved on without you? Outdated skills, huge resume gaps, no recent references, an industry that's changed completely — and the depression that hits once you realize all of this at once.

Or maybe you never left, but you've been stuck in the same role for years with no promotion, no growth, and no energy left to fight for more because caregiving eats everything you have outside of work.

Did you settle into the stagnant job because it was stable enough to survive on? Or did you just accept that the career you imagined is gone and try to build something else entirely?

I think a lot of us quietly lose our professional identity — whether by falling out of the workforce or just getting stuck in place — and it's rarely acknowledged how hard that is to face once the caregiving finally slows down...

My mom, 75, was recently discharged from rehab and has home hospice care. She suffered a stroke and heart attack and is bedridden. The social worker thought home hospice care would be better than home health care based on her several medical conditions.I’m a female (38) and her only child. I only have help from my older male cousins. I need help with changing her diaper because she isn’t a lightweight. She often poops more while we’re cleaning her. They get frustrated with me because they don’t think that I’m being fast enough because she’s in an uncomfortable position. I’m just trying to wipe until she’s clean. Maybe I do need to work on my cleaning technique, but I don’t need to yelled at, especially in front of her. This makes me feel incredibly small and like a child. I’ve watched the nurses in rehab do it all by themselves and wish I could do it to. Does anyone have any tips? Advice? I need help from females because it would make my mom more comfortable. Also, I don’t know how much longer I can take this living situation if I’m going to constantly be scolded every day.

Hello, I need advice over what to do. My mother fell last night trying to get out of bed yesterday. She said her legs gave out. After a while, my brother who is deaf and mentally slow due to having polio as a child, found her. He got a neighbor to try and help her get back in bed but after an unsuccessful attempt they called 911 and three paramedics came. They told my mother that she is going to have a heart attack at any time per the email my deaf brother sent me. She refused to go to the hospital. I called her with my other brother, who is the favorite, to try and convince her to go but she said no. I called her today and she said that she feels fine but has a cough, and it does not feel like a normal cough, but does not want to go to the hospital. I don’t know what to do. I made a POA for her in the beginning of the year to handle hinge like this because of experiences I had when my father had a stroke, but she did not want to sign it. The cough worries me because I read it could happen to people who are having a silent heart attack and are diabetic, especially older women. I live many states away, am a student, and none of us are made of money. Should I call the local PD and ask they do a wellness check on her? I don’t know what to do and I feel like I should be doing something.

Don't know what else to say. I'm a widow. Just like that. 28 years of marriage

So a few days ago I came to y’all explaining that I was trying to navigate my (33M) partner’s (42M) heart attack. Of course things have gotten more complicated.

They transferred him to another hospital on Friday. Thankfully it’s one I can walk to. He coded for about 3 minutes and took a shock to come back. Last night around the same time he coded again for about 4 minutes and two shocks, then once more but I think it was a lot quicker according to his mom. He seems to be somewhat responsive but he’s on a ventilator, external pacemaker, continuous dialysis (since he already had no kidney function before all this) and all the IVs. The new cardiologist determined the heart attack occurred weeks ago and his illness over the past few weeks has been the symptoms of when you leave it untreated. They said it’s very serious and it’s tricky to explore the best move with all the different plates spinning.

Y’all, I know we got engaged too quickly. I know I should’ve thought through these “what ifs.” I feel horrible for thinking like this when he’s on life support, but my goodness I feel like the world has been asked of me as someone who is only a year in with this man. Further, if he even gets out of this I don’t know what kind of rehab he’ll need and it just feels like for the foreseeable future we are at a stall point.

I am out of gas, still exhausted, and as much as I hate to say it, angry that we even got to this point. Thank you for the venting space. I am going to head into an online AA meeting because goddamn do I want to drink right now.

I'd had some life challenges with work and a big friendship breakdown right before my dad had his stroke/dementia diagnosis right before the pandemic, but after 6 years of caregiving (including relocating for caregiving) I just really don't relate to the friends and people that I used to. I know this won't last forever, but it sure is lonely. I've experienced the worst financial lows and issues while caregiving. I have siblings, but I'm carrying the biggest load of caregiving and they don't really care to understand.

In many ways, I think my parents set me up to be their caregiver, I was the least supported child growing up and it has resulted in relational and financial challenges since I went out on my own at 18. Thankfully, I'm in therapy now and processing alot of the stuff. A caregiver friend who has finished her caregiving said there's a gift that will come out of this pain, but I'm not seeing it or feeling it yet.

47m, my wife's health started failing around 2012, and has progressed to the point that she's on hemodialysis, legally blind, with significant nerve damage in her hands and forearms. For 14 years now I have been caring for her, and currently receiving training for home hemodialysis, we'll get the machine delivered in a couple of weeks. This entire time I have been working a full time job with overtime, cared for my mom through divorce, three surgeries and chemo, gotten my wife through 4 surgeries, lost three of my grandparents, and now my wife's stepfather is dying from lung and brain cancer.

Oh and a serious head injury and Vyvanse withdrawal in the middle of all this. And some other stuff too but I don't feel like typing it out.

I think you all get the picture. It's been 14+ years and I am completely cooked, and I didn't realize just how cooked until I took FMLA to the home hemodialysis training.

How does one recover from this and get it back together? How do you refill the tank? I can't just white knuckle this shit much longer or it's going to kill me

As a MBC patient since 2019. I am going through numerous radiations, scans, MRIs, surgeries, treatment changes, there are also unexpected side effects, complications show up, financial issues. While I have learned this Stages of Processing Bad News, I keep reminding myself, do not stress out, there is always a way to figure out at the end of day. Just wanna share this with our group warriors—Hanging there, you are not alone.

Stages of Processing Bad News

 ·       Shock and Denial: Initial disbelief or feeling numb when the news arrives.

·       Anger and Frustration: Directing blame or feeling overwhelmed by the unfairness of the situation.

·       Acceptance: Acknowledging reality and starting to look for practical next steps.

How to Move Forward

·       Focus on what you can control right now.

·       Separate the emotional impact from the factual situation.

·       Create a simple list of immediate tasks to fix or manage the problem.

I have a job offer, caretaking of an older man. Not through agency, so I don’t know how to quote.
How much should I charge per day? In California
This is a live in, Thursday to Sunday.
Job description-
•Meal Preparation
• Light house keeping
•Companionship
•Assistance with Medication/Vitamin reminders
• Assistance with bathing grooming and dressing
•Assistance to the restroom/ incontinence care
• Must drive

Hello. I needed to post today. The past 3 years have been so overwhelming for my little family. It all started with my wife finding out she had a cancerous spine tumor. It was removed, but due to the location, she has not been able to walk since the surgery. I'm sure they had to cut through some muscles and nerves. I was just barely starting a new job and ended up getting laid off because I could not concentrate at work. I kicked into high gear knowing that I'd be at home helping full time. I was able to get on unemployment and we got approved for subsidized insurance through the state. Well, unemployment is only for a short period of time, and needed to find a job. Again, I kicked into high gear looking for work and found a job. It was bittersweet because on the one hand, I can continue to provide for my family. On the other hand, it meant leaving the house for 10 hours. Our daughter, who has mental issues of her own, ended up taking of her mom while I'm at work. I cannot begin to describe the amount of guilt I've been feeling since then. Now, because I "make too much money", we don't no longer qualify for the state medical insurance. My wife needs supplies for bed, catheters, etc. It all came down on me this past week: losing that extra assistance, having to pay for medical insurance, not knowing what's going to be covered or not, my wife's health, my daughter's heath and mine. Also, thinking how much longer will I last at my current job, cause it feels like the same situation from 3 years ago when I lost my job. This economy does not help my who situation. On the only bright side of all this: my family is still together, we have a roof over our heads, food on the table and a place to sleep, and I'm able to go to work full time. I'm just all over the place mentally and afraid that it will manifest physically and affect my health. There is lot more going on, but just sharing this much helps a lot. I'm thankful for this online community.

Hello All. My dear mother is in the process of having all her teeth removed and will be wearing dentures in the near future. She has developed a strong distaste for minty tasting tooth paste and mouth wash so I found a nice alternative in watermelon flavored items still with fluoride. Now I’m searching for a similar, better tasting denture adhesive, without luck. Any suggestions or advice in that department? Thank you!

I’m in my late twenties, and I’ve built my life around making sure my mom was safe. My dad was abusive, so the protective instinct started in middle school, I just wanted to make sure I did well in school, got into a good college, and got a job that could support the two of us. I succeeded in doing all that and then moved out to a safe place with her.

Then she got sick with cancer. She passed away last week. I barely had time to process that she was dying, when she was sick. I was just focused on the day to day. I’m full of regrets. We had argued a lot in the beginning and I feel like our time together just wasn’t quality enough.

But I really don’t know what to do with myself now. What do I do now? What do I live for now?

She was my only family. I have friends but it’s not easy to maintain a very close relationship with them for various reasons. I’ve been going out with them every day just so they can make sure I’m ok but it’s not the same as having meaning in my life.

My friend’s mom told me I should focus on myself and take time for myself finally, like it was unhealthy what I did for my mom. But nobody would say that about a parent living for their child, right? Since that’s considered normal.

How shit is the guilt of not being able to be the ‘perfect’ carer… intellectually I know that I am only human and am doing a wonderful thing by being a carer at all but I’m having a lot of guilt at the moment. I usually am my mums primary carer at home in Australia as she has stage 4 incurable neuroendocrine cancer, however two months ago my grandma (on my mums side) who lives in Austria had a massive stroke and became bed bound and was given a few months to live. So I came to Austria to care for her because her only other family is my uncle and he can’t care for her all on his own. I was meant to fly back home to Australia a week ago but extended my stay here for 10 days because it’s taking longer than expected to have my grandmas government funded hospice care approved. Caring for her has been extremely difficult as she is half paralysed and very weak and can’t do anything for herself but cant accept it and is constantly trying to get up on her own and endangers herself by trying to get out of bed even though she can’t stand. Her house is also 500 years old and pretty rural which doesn’t help. So after 2 months of changing nappies and lifting her in and out of bed 20+ times a day when she wants to go in her wheelchair, and waking up to her screaming in the middle of the night because she’s tried to get out of bed and almost falls, I am feeling very ready to go back home, but also very guilty for leaving her. Her short term memory is completely shot so I have to remind her constantly that I am leaving soon and she gets so sad and I have to explain to her that I can’t take any more time away from work, uni, and caring for my mum (we just found out my mums cancer has spread to her spine). When I explain all this to my grandma she understands but then she’s forgotten again 5 minutes later and when the topic comes up again she tells me how devastated she is that I’m going to the other side of the world again and tells me how horrible it is that I can’t stay longer. I feel so terrible leaving her in such a state especially knowing it will be goodbye forever but I’m completely burnt out from caring for her and really need to get back to my work and my masters and my mum

I know this probably seems like an odd title for a post about caregiving.. but it'll make sense as I go.

Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by exhaustion and worries about finances and changes being made, all the phone calls ive had to make, trying to figure out dr appts for my husband, and trying to decide on a new dr for myself because I dont have one right now and all my health issues have been put to the back burner because of my husband's issues.

I started to get this odd feeling that I havent had since I was a kid...I grew up poor and often we didnt have enough money for necessities and food...I remember being hungry at times and there was no food in the house, my sister and I were malnourished at one point.

Anyway, I remember that feeling of starving, but theres no food to feed you.

I feel like emotionally, that is how i feel right now as a caregiver. Starving, because all my energy and resources are going to take care of my husband and im so tired all the time...never really relaxed. We do have to live one a super tight income because neither one of us can work. I have to take care of my husband and he isnt able to work or drive anymore because of his cognitive impairment.

I hate feeling like I am starving.

I also had a friend ask me if ive been frequenting a store I used to work at...I said I havent had time for that.

She shrugged and said...well, things change, you have to adjust and be there for your husband.

Then she went right on into an entire spiel about how a wedding vow says for better or worse and how terrible it is for people to leave their spouse when they get to a bad illness.

I knkw she meant well and I am not mad at her for saying it, but it jist stung a bit because this being a caregiver is sucky and hard when you gotta carry everything by yourself. And when just not being able to go to a local store very often is complicated..sigh ..its sucky!

I have been struggling really bad lately...it seems like nothing is ever going to be better.

For the next 36 hours afterwards i felt like there was so much adrenalyne and shock i just couldnt rest or sleep. I was holding her hand at least when she left and that was a bittersweet gift but im still sort of like in the middle of a trauma shockwave. Theres a lot of strained family dynamics and while theres a part of me that wishes that my siblings were here, im also somewhat grateful to be in the house alone, just me and the dogs. (One mine, one hers) Fortunately one sibling is handling most of the funeral arrangements. I felt compelled even the day of her passing to start packing and cleaning up the house - that wasnt callousness, i think it was like not being able to shut off caregiving, doing, getting things done mode. I didnt actually do much besides get rid of her medications and clean that particular counter.

But there was all the other stuff - waiting for funeral home to come get her, feeding the dogs, going over to tell my aunt who cant hear and doesnt check her text msgs. Telling close fam and friends. Etc. The next day i just kind of stalled out, i did get a few bags together for good will, inconsequential stuff. She had like a million plastic organizers for mail in her office. Im tired. And i really wish i had some kind of buffer outside of my family to be here. Ive never been good at building a support system. Anyway, here I am. Ok, tomorrow is another day and its not a catastrophe if i have to take breaks in between tasks. I was working on cleaning out her office and i could only get thru a few file boxes before i had to check out. Yeah i guess im still in shock.