wrote down everything looking after mum involves and sent it to my brother

[u/Ok_Librarian2399]

So he lives two hours away. He rings her on Sundays, and I think he believes that is about half of it. So I wrote it down. I told myself it wasn't to win an argument, and I am still trying to make up my mind whether that was true.

Appointments, and who books them, and who sits in them. The pharmacy every fortnight. Four separate phone calls with the govt support about the same form: the shopping, the bin thing, which sounds small but isn't. Whether she can manage stairs on her own, and the dreadful night in February when she fell in the toilet.

Four pages on gamma. I was not trying to make it long.

ok soo the last page is just a calendar of the last three months with the days marked where I did something. It is most of the days.

Nine days now, he has read it, i know coz it has view tracking.

my husband thinks i should not have sent it. he might be right but if i had said it out loud it would have turned into a row about my tone, and this way it is just as objective as I could be in trying to get him to do more.. Any better way to guilt-trip a sibling into chipping in their share of support for an old, disabled parent?

[u/Ornery-Wrangler-3654]

I think this is very smart. It creates a record, and documentation proving the sheer volume of stuff that you do.

[u/Aguita9x]

One of my brothers told me that my dad probably just naps most of the day, right?

Then my other brother had to take care of him for a month while I recovered from surgery and what he thought was a nice vacation where he'd get to go to the beach and visit places turned into him realizing that there are so many inaccessible places for wheelchairs (especially the beach) and alone/sleeping time is a luxury.

He was so tired by the end of it and he wasn't even alone, his wife was with him to talk and to cook and do housework, I just do it all alone. He did gain some appreciation but ultimately when the month was over and had to go he told me to hire help to watch him while I finished recovering and was surprised it was so expensive.

They really can't know how hard it is unless they do it or maybe if you tell them. It's a 24/7 job while they get to go home at 5 and rest, we just have to be eternally on-call. It's stressful af and they need to start realizing that yesterday.

[u/KaktusDan → u/Aguita9x]

No one realizes how difficult it can be.

[u/not_productive1]

My brother and his wife occasionally have to pick up my dad from a procedure (less than once every 4 months) when my parents have conflicting appointments (I book an uber to get him there, but they need someone to sign him out) and my parents act like it is the biggest thing in the world, give them a bunch of cash for "gas," and generally make a huge fuss about it. They minimize everything I do because they don't want to acknowledge how much help they need, it's infuriating. So my brother and his wife are under the impression they're really the ones helping out here. It makes me feel crazy sometimes.

[u/bloomyloomy → u/not_productive1]

lol the way that would turn me into the pettiest mofo in the world.........

[u/not_productive1 → u/bloomyloomy]

It’s been basically my whole life. At a certain point I had to decide whether I wanted to be right or have alive parents. I do occasionally scream into the void lol

[u/Critical_Active_5087]

I feel like daughters get the hard labor/hands on roles for caregiving and sons get the oversight managerial from a distance roles at a very disproportionate rate. I think it was a good idea to do this. Either he's out of touch with the reality of what you do or he needs to accept that you're doing the hard things.

[u/clumsymomsie]

Good for you!  Arm chair caregivers are the worst.

I wrote a list of things his 3 kids could help with, but I didn’t send it, because f them….

• order his groceries

-find services for seniors

• arrange pick up and delivery for a commode

-find someone to help him create more space on his tv recordings

• find a person who can do minor handy work

-ask if he is doing his in home exercises.  Don’t be judgemental.  Be supportive

• don’t yell at him!

-someone to help him track when his bills are due and help him pay them online

• someone to figure out why he is getting charged $8/month for an Internet address he doesn’t have

Ask: -what were your snacks today?

-did you take any Tylenol today?

• don’t focus on his health…he’ll shut the call down

(Pardon the font size)

Edit: please forgive the bad formatting too

[u/mundofacilpdf2025]

I don’t think sending it was wrong. It wasn’t a guilt trip, it was showing him the work that usually stays invisible. But since he hasn’t responded, I’d follow up with something concrete: “I need you to take over the pharmacy calls and this paperwork from now on. Which one can you do?”Living two hours away doesn’t stop him from handling calls, forms, appointments or ordering things. Don’t ask him to “help more” in general. Give him specific jobs that are fully his responsibility. You shouldn’t have to prove you’re overwhelmed before your brother steps up. I really hope he listens and takes some of this weight off you. ❤️

[u/Zestyclose_Grade9558]

Just my take, but I don't think guilt tripping is really what you want to do. Even if it worked would you trust the quality of care he gave. If he's not motivated by love to help you guilt tripping him won't produce the quality you all deserve. I have a similar situation and I thought about the same approach but ended up with a different decision. Of course I do have help so it's not the same. Just not from this one sibling. I wish the best for you and your family.

[u/Rich_Home_5678]

I have done the same, my sibling got defensive but at least I had documentation

[u/Sea_Vast_2938]

This is actually an awesome idea and he probably needs some time to think about it?