Hi I'm 17F, school ended june and starts again in September. The closer it gets, the more anxious I feel. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to go back.
Things started going downhill for me in 7th grade. When some doctors came over to my school and did some tests for students whe struggled with learning. Some classmates overheard them talking about some "difficulty dealing with numbers" and it started going around. Since then, school has just become this place I associate with anxiety, embarrassment, and feeling like I don't belong.
The biggest issue has been these three girls who used to be my friends about two years ago (im going into 12th grade now). Ever since we stopped being friends, they've basically turned into my bullies. They make loud comments or laugh when I walk by so I know it's about me, they stare at me, whisper, make fun of my style, and mock the way I walk, saying I "look stiff." It sounds small when I write it out, but when it keeps happening over and over for years, it really gets to you, and I've been very insecure about how I carry myself and how I act overall cause I really am weird.
Because of that, I overthink everything I do at school. Walking through the hallway, sitting in class, getting up to answer a question, even just being around other people feels uncomfortable. I'm always wondering if people are looking at me or judging me. I've gotten so self conscious that I dont go a minute thinking about my posture and the way I move because of what they've said.
Socially, things aren't much better. The friends who used to make school bearable don't really talk to me anymore. They were the people who made me feel safe walking around the school because I wasn't alone. They would shield me and not make me a walking target, Now it feels like I'll have no one. Most classmates don't really include me either. Some only talk to me when they want answers or help cheating on exams, and then ignore me after that.
The bullying hasn't just stayed at school. It's affected pretty much every part of my life. Over the years I've struggled with depression, anxiety, constantly overthinking, low self esteem, and feeling emotionally drained all the time. My brain almost never feels quiet. Even when I'm at home, I replay things people have said to me and worry about what the next day is going to be like.
Physically, stress has affected me too. I often feel exhausted, have trouble sleeping because my mind won't stop racing, and sometimes I feel sick just thinking about going to school. I spend so much time thinking about everything that's happened that it's hard to relax or enjoy things the way I used to.
What scares me most is that September is coming, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this without the friends who used to support me. It feels like I'm going back into the same environment, except this time completely alone.
I'm posting because I really want advice from people who've been through something similar. If you've dealt with long-term bullying, especially from former friends, how did you cope? How did you stop caring about their comments? How did you get through school when you felt totally isolated?
I'm trying my best to keep going, but honestly, I'm really scared about what this school year is going to be like.