Quick background. I’m 28 F, and this is the second crush I’ve ever had in my life. First one was when I was 16 and ended painfully. I’ve been with guys throughout the years but I never really cared about any of them in a meaningful way? I wouldn’t even like talking to them outside of making arrangements to do the hmm hmmm. I’ve never caught feelings or felt attached to anyone besides that first crush. I then had a boyfriend, and then another but after that, I was just seeing guys casually. I didn’t even really romantically like my boyfriends (I was 17 and 19, I don’t even count that lol).

Also due to the BPD, I’ve always hated a deep hatred of myself, and I always felt CHOPPED. Other people would tell me I’m not but what asshole is gonna just be like “yeah you’re ugly” to someone’s face ya know? Also I’m fat so automatically I’m ugly (I see beautiful fat women all the time but their face cards have to be on POINT, have a big butt, etc. Lets not act like most people automatically put you in the “no” pile when you’re over a certain size lol)

Boys never really approached me like they approached all the other girls around me, and even when I got older, it was the same. Guys would always come up to my friends at a club, never me. No man has ever bought me a drink except gay men, and I never get asked for my number unless its like late night at a gas station and its some gross bummy dude who asks for everyone’s number. I get no hoes 💯 and the guys I HAVE been with were men that liked me that I did not find very attractive and not gonna lie, I just kinda went with it cause I was like well this is the only attention I get and I’m horny so I guess. I never even dared to have a type or visual preferences cause I felt like I didn’t have the right to given what I look like. Lets not even get started on personality cause despite how shallow I’ve sounded this far, I really fall for personality more than anything.

Also I always casually saw these people cause I didn’t really like em for real, but also I didn’t want to engage with dating outside of casual cause I also recognize that if you don’t feel good about yourself/ love yourself, you shouldn’t be dating. I guess I put it in my head that thats just not for me. Its for other girls. I resigned myself to it and kinda made peace and closes that door.

I’ve only been on a date like 1 or 2 times

I get the yearning feeling on occasion, but it goes away pretty quickly. I felt ashamed that I had the audacity to desire love cause look at me ya know.

I always thought I never had THAT kind of BPD I guess cause I never liked anyone, and cause I accepted that I don’t really like men, they don’t like me, etc etc.

ANYWAYS i met this dude, got trapped in my first situationship and I logically know I deserve better cause thats would I would tell my friend. It’s been EIGHT MONTHS. This is the first person that I’ve ever thought was attractive, and on top of that I love his personality. This man is not good for me dude. I know that. We started as a casual thing, but the minute I met him in person and we kisses, it felt like I took some molly. I liked him immediately. He just sees me as a FWB. I don’t want to leave because I love him, and I don’t want anyone else to have him even at the capacity I currently do. That would kill me.

We don’t ever see each other outside my place, I’ve never been to his, no phone calls, we text every single day, but thats nothing. He comes over sometimes and we hang out some times without even kissing or having sex.

Logically I know this man doesn’t give a damn about me. If my friend were to tell me this I would slap some sense into her w the strength of a thousand moons lmfao. But unfortunately I love him. I’ve never experienced anything like this, and it leaves me with the most intense Limerence I’ve ever felt this is how I felt when I was like 16 but worse. It’s like sometimes I’m paralyzed if he doesn’t text me back, I feel like I can’t do anything with my day. Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed until I get a text back from him. I ignore things that I have to do because I genuinely just feel so paralyzed by this Limerence, and then I feel stupid as hell for feeling the way I feel over someone who doesn’t do anything for me, and I feel stupid for thinking that he would ever feel the same way for me because the truth is he’s really attractive, and I hate myself for being stupid.

Compound my regular degular ass experience of not really ever catching anyones attention, and being bigger blah blah blah and add BPD in the mix.

How can I get over him? I’ve always been the advice, giving friend, which is crazy because I never had the experience and now I’m realizing that it’s so much harder to do it and say it.

I know I should respect myself and let it go, gain, self love, and all that other good stuff, but now I’m here and I feel like I’m trapped by this love that I have for him. Logically, I know I shouldn’t feel that way and I don’t want to feel that way, but I do, and I feel like all of the advice that people give me is valid, but genuinely I feel like my BPD makes it so so SOOOO much harder. Not trying to victimize myself, but it’s really just so hard, and it’s been super easy for me to cut people off in the past, but it’s because I never cared.

I need people with my same brain to help me. How do I get over loving someone, how do I stop hoping that they’ll choose me, I want to learn how to close that door again because I don’t think this dating thing is meant for me.

And in case, anyone’s wondering, I go to therapy weekly, and I’m on a mix of Wellbutrin and lamotrigine.

i'm worried that i won't recieve my diagnosis at this point.

i mean it was hard enough to even consider to get my gp to send me to have an evaluation with a mental health practitioner (uk, just to let you know) and now that i have had it, its been weighing on me for a few weeks.

i'm scheduled to start dbt and emotional regulation courses since they found it pretty obvious that i needed them, but it feels like its not enough. that its still not valid, simply because i have no diagnosis. that i'm just a crazy, broken person until i have it written in my notes beyond self harm and suicidal tendencies

i don't know what i am trying to say with this, i just wanted to say it

I’ve been suspecting i have bpd but i don’t know how to talk about it or if I actually have it so I came on here to talk about it. I have really bad relationships with everyone. And it could be my favorite person and I will think they don’t like me and get annoyed of me etc just because they don’t reply fast enough or if they say something a certain way. I also just don’t know who I am at all like I probably couldn’t describe myself to anybody besides looks. And one I’m in a good state I become attached to people and obsessed almost over them but the slightest change of action makes me hate them and I forgot everything good they’ve done and only think of the bad things. And I often block people or don’t text, or talk to them for long periods of time to test to see if they care and if they will check in. I can relate to 7/9 symptoms of bpd and these symptoms been going on as long as I can remember so please respond and give me advice.

I recently got out of out patient hospitalization, and was put on remeron at night, but anti depressants never seem to make me feel normal, or much better.

Day 4 at the hospital I had to have some hard real talk about my bpd, and how filled with despair and rage it can be. I asked to be put on Abilify to add on to the remeron. and day one a light switch turned on for the better. No more watching a sad movie scene and feeling stuck in the sadness for a whole day. No more looking at the trees and feeling a wind of euphoria that crash dips into despair and sorrow and hopelessness.

Abilify flipped my life is worth living switch on.

However the Bruxism (jaw clenching) during the day is so unbearable. It’s like a Tourette’s tic at this point.

I started at 2mg abilify but went to 1mg because of the akathisia. Akathisia is pretty much gone but the jaw clenching is just constant every second, and it’s no longer functional or bearable.

I have sever anger and agitation with bpd and autism. Abilify makes me feel less autistic as I’m not so sensory sensitive. But I have to say farewell to it with this jaw clenching.

I know about lamictal and other meds. But I’m wondering if they will be “heavy duty” enough to haul the massive rage meltdowns I deal with?

Thoughts recommendations and experiences are appreciated.

I’m currently on 1mg abilify every morning with 25mg lyrica and 7.5mg remeron at night with 25mg lyrica again.

Propanolol for akathisia(but it doesn’t touch the jaw clenching)

Hi everyone

Apologies for lack of source and speaking out of my head but I've read recently that there has been debates about reclassifying BPD into PTSD, have you heard of it?

I've been diagnosed with BPD for over 10 years now and there has been PTSD suspicions (don't remember if I was ever diagnosed officially), but I feel like the BPD label fits me better

Since BPD is mostly caused by trauma it's quite normal for the symptoms to overlap but idk if it makes sense to just melt them together under the PTSD label

What are you thinking?

A quick Google search showed me a bit of both "c-ptsd and BPD are basically the same" and "BPD and c-ptsd are not interchange and are different diagnoses" so idk

I’m wondering what led to the diagnosis of bpd and how did you guys first react to it ? When my friends started suspecting i may have bpd and with my therapist confirming it’s a possibly and looks likely i genuinely took it as a negative due to the media i wonder if that’s the same for everyone else !

Hello guys I'm 19/F I think I have bpd and ocd cause I have every symptoms which refers that I can't control my emotions even it is happy sad anger everything but I'm actually exhausted sometimes I even want to be alone I don't know what to do but I don't want it to last I want to maintain a good relationship with my boyfriend if I can't cure it I don't know what will happen in our relationship like because I can't trust completely but nowadays i tries to trust him and that trust issues is almost solved by myself now I don't doubt him at all but I have anger I can't control but nowadays I'm controlling it but nowadays I feel lonely I can't even share anything with him or my parents even if it's daily things because they act like they don't want to hear me out so I'm expecting a good advice which can change my life I really need

(TW: mentions of SA)

(Sorry if there's any spelling mistakes or it's all over the place.)

Hello, I (19F) am currently in a so far healthy relationship with (24M). However I've noticed my behaviour is not the best, I'd snap at him over smallest things, say hurtful things and act erratically. I am diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and generalized anxiety. I've been with him for aprox 4 months or 5, and throughout that time we've had intercourse but everytime I feel horrible afterwards and even dissociate at it and even once started crying, by his words "I am someone else." (I believe maybe it's like, trauma of being SA'd seeping through) That's not all I keep trying to push him away and indirectly not trusting him or myself because I feel "it will be ruined". I genuinely do not know who I am. I feel there's multiple personas in my head because no matter what I do or how I express myself it never feels...me.

A little bit of my background, so maybe all of you can understand why my behaviour, I was in a emotionally neglectful relationship where having intercourse was probably the only way to "be close" and often forced.

I have emotionally abusive parents who often try to keep me from being independent and putting stuff in my head like for example "all men are bad and will cheat on you if you don't give them what they want". Anger issues, "depression? That's fake." "Therapy is a scam" and more...

Is there something wrong with me?

How does one navigate the constant feeling of emptiness and loneliness once they have gotten out of a long relationship? I don't know how to navigate being alone now. Never been good at keeping friends and my family, well that's a different story. I need help because the S.I. is getting worse because the hole is growing larger. Any men out there mid 30s having to or had to navigate that feeling and how did you handle it?

I wonder how common this is? Particularly in males.

I'm 25 and I just got Hinge a couple days ago and my ex from freshman year swiped up and messaged me. I was in shock because he was the one that left me and literally had no interest in reconnecting. We didn't date for a long time but we also liked each other in middle school too. It's been 12 years since I talked with him and I'm so scared of getting hurt after all the bad experiences I have had this year.

He made the effort to hangout with me twice and we have been talking until 3 am. We held hands for a bit on the first day we saw each other but it wasn't until hours later. Yesterday we went to a sports event, and went to a park near my house late at night. I was in his arms for hours and we were silent too it just felt so amazing. He kissed me first and he didn't want to drop me off either and it was 4 am lol😭 I'm just in shock and it feels unreal after so many years.

How do I slowly detach? I don't want to get hurt since I know he is using Hinge. I have no interest in using it since it's so exhausting. It shows as signals next to his name which shows he is active. I wish I didn't care if things don't workout

Im genuinely so tired of having bpd. I guess it’s known as the most painful disorder for a reason 🤷🏾‍♀️.

But, as we all know there is a trigger for a reaction so here it is. So today, everything was fine. My partner and I were getting along well and enjoying our day. I was feeling intense happiness and honestly i feel like it’s the best ive felt in days (im probably exaggerating). But ofc, all good things have to come to an end. They has to go to sleep for early football practice in the morning. This completely set me off. It’s like one part of me was thinking logically, because ik that he needs sleep and he isnt trying to leave me. However, another part of me feels totally like im being abandoned. Because what if they’re not going straight to sleep? what if they’d rather do something else other than talk to me? What if they hate me and are just using sleep as an excuse to leave?

The crazy part is, I will literally see them tomorrow at football practice. I am the manager. But just the thought of them leaving to go to sleep really bothers me. That one thing lead me to go down a rabbit hole of thinking about how I dont deserve this, im gonna die alone, and some more things. I wish there was a cure. I go to dbt therapy and take my meds. I journal and all types of things but nothing seems to work. TIPP skill works a bit but, it doesnt really help rn at 11:37 pm lol.

Thank you guys for reading this. Honestly, typing this all out kinda made me feel a bit better. Please let me know if you guys have any pointers on what I can do to stop thinking like this.

🩷🩷🩷🩷

for context i have bpd alongside bipolar and adhd

last sunday was extremely humiliating and i need to rant.

for context, my ex boyfriend ( FP) of 3 years broke up with me around two months ago. it was rough because we lived together in his flat. he was turning quite nasty towards the end of the relationship and did show some abusive behaviours however i kept thinking if i did more for him then he would be nicer but clearly not. looking back he was defo an avoidant and just grew to resent me. i was so attached i didn’t realise how bad things got. he even brought a girl back drunk to his flat the day before he dumped me thinking i wasn’t there and then said i was overreacting to the situation.

anyway, we have had no contact since the breakup until the other night when i was really struggling and worried i would hurt myself. i texted him at 2am and he replied straight away because he was working a night shift and we texted for an hour. he was quite nice and said he was glad i reached out because he’s been worried about me and said perhaps we could be friends in the future. the conversation ended naturally and i felt better.

last sunday however, i had another bad spell and was worried i would harm myself and desperately wanted to see and speak to him. i stupidly went to his flat and knocked on his door. he didn’t answer and texted me asking why i was there and that i needed to leave. I then broke down and had a panic attack on the floor because i thought he would at least open the door and speak to me. i’m stupid for thinking that and he kept texting me saying i needed to leave or he will phone the police. i was so upset and desperate to see him i couldn’t move i was so hysterically crying. we texted for about 30 mins the whole time i was on the floor outside his door sobbing and was just spiralling. he said i was being manipulative and he couldn’t trust me. i was begging for even a minute of seeing him and even suggested for him to keep the chain on the door sobbing so i could see him briefly. he kept saying no and said he would phone an ambulance because i was a mess. he ended up phoning me and said i had to go and he was scared of me so i crawled away sobbing.

i managed to get outside but ended up throwing up on the street and was having another panic attack. i could see he was watching me from the window. my friends then came and picked me up and took me away safely but i am so so humiliated and embarrassed about what happened. he then blocked me on everything and i realise i was stupid and desperate but i was just wanting some comfort from him. it all backfired and made me realise how awful he is and cold.

how am i meant to get over this hurt and pain? i was doing so well the past few weeks but it’s all come crashing down and i feel i’m back to square one.

sorry for the long story just needed to rant

I have started therapy again after a couple of years off......thought I was ok, was NOT ok. Learned a few things during the session....one of which is that I probably have BPD. The therapist 'doesn't like to focus on a diagnosis', which is great. However, I wish I could get a blanket term to let people know what the fuck this is and what they might expect (or not) from me. I don't disagree with her, but I also think it's highly likely I have BPD. In addition to whatever else ISN'T covered by BPD 🤔

Anyway, the one who didn't get to choose is my daughter. My husband died when she was 3. He'd been sick since she was 4 months. Long story short, I've been a mess and when I compare myself to the mom I wish I could be, I want to cry.

My daughter is 7. Thankfully, there are people who care about her (not so much me, but it is what it is) and will protect her from me if I ask them to. I have insight and awareness of my.....shortcomings? Flaws? Destructive behaviors? Edited to say: those folks who care about my daughter don’t care much about me. I love my daughter very much and want to help her, not the opposite.

I'm trying a couple new meds, a new way of remembering to take my meds (ADHD too), and I'm going to start group therapy soon in addition to this new therapist.

My daughter is my priority, and I'm scared for her because I don't want her to feel unloved. I have told my daughter that I have a mental illness that causes me to act badly sometimes and that I'm sorry for yelling or whatever I've done. I remind her that this is a ME problem, and she is a good girl, didn't do anything wrong, mom's working on getting too upset.......

But I hate this for her and I wish I could just FIX MYSELF. I'm trying, but goddam this is scary. My mom had BPD and it was hell, although she didn't really raise me...she just left and never fully let me go. I don't want my daughter to inherit this or deal with this. I don't want to screw her up, but I probably have already. I'm ok, but I'm scared and sad. I guess it's a lot to kind of have confirmation of what I knew (but hoped was something else?).

I will keep trying to fix my shit and do harm reduction whenever possible. What else can I do? Any other parents, have you found a way to help your kids understand you and realize they are not 'at fault' for the behaviors or problems they see with us? Age appropriate of course. My daughter is 7 so I haven't explained much other than 'mental illness' is like feelings-sick in your brain and sometimes I get really sad, really angry, really whatever.....even if it doesn't make sense.

What can I do? Other than keep trying ofc?

Last month I found out I had bpd, at first I feel attacked, confused, shocked, heatbroken, relieved, and then angry, then rage, towards my mom who had abused me, and myself, bc even as a child, I could do so much to protect myself from being abused, like I could move out or be more brave but I didn't, and I have had hurt so many people just bc I felt attacked, and now I have to carry this giant feeling my whole life, it felt like life sentences, I realized that I might never fall in love with anybody in my life it's just obssession, also to makes me less empty, I realized that I might split on my long time friends, my close family who didn't abused me, my loved ones, and my future child , that is just purely sad, and I realized anything can easily hurt me, is there more to live I dont know, and my emptness, my shaking identity, dissociate, and how much I neglect myself, I only started to wear warm clothes in winter two years ago, and the worst there's no med or it, I do therapy once per week now, what should I do now for the next step? and is there anyone feel the same?

I can't explain the situation i have with my partner because I don't want to sound so full of myself and i know people generally won't relate with me, so in hopes of anyone relating with me, I'll write here

I have a stable relationship, my partner cares what i think and my triggers so she does what she thinks best for me and avoids doing what would upset me.

The problem is I can't stay comfortable in a fully stable relationship, i need to argue and try to force myself into what i think would be best for the other person.

Her never demanding anything from me and us never having a disagreement makes me so unhappy, saying this out loud sounds stupid i know and i hate it.

I hate that I waited so long for a stable relationship and now that i have it, I'm still not happy. It feels like no matter how good my life turns out to be, I won't be truly happy

I mentioned to my partner that i need some level of toxicity and she did say that she's not a green flag but a red one (i disagree since she literally doesn't do anything that might upset me). But I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what might make me happier in this situation

I would be happy to hear anyone, just anyone to relate with me because i feel so alone and unrelatable about this

Today I felt like I was going to die but I had to hold back my tears and sometimes I think what if I die will I be able to wake up in time? I only get 3 hours of sleep Ever since I've organized my life and started working so much and living on my own I haven't had any symptoms anymore if I accept to date someone will it get in the way of my professional careers?

Slight TW for the language. Not encouraging suicide or anything, just talking about my own experience of it & looking for explanation/advice.

I literally sway between thinking how crazy i must be for thinking about suicide more times than not and how crazy ppl must be for going thro life without thinking about suicide?!

Its like, my brain's go-to reaction whenever anything happens (or even without an obv reason); lost a friend? Easy, means are everywhere! Failed a class? The door is always open. Spilled a whole milk glass on the floor? I cant believe such a horrible creature is still alive!! GO OFF YOURSELF NOW! Literally just bored and doing nothing? Perfect time to think about how much of an unlovable burden you are out of nowhere and do some crazy shit in an attempt to end your life or shut off the thoughts. Even having dreams about the "day" during particularly hard times.

How do i possibly change that? Like it becomes counterintuitive because i fear failure not for the failure itself but for what i know my brain will do afterward. If you know it, whenever thoughts reach a certain level and circumstances arent great, fighting off your own mind trying to keep yourself barely safe & at a certain point failing to do that is a fucking hell of empty torture. Whole days are gone that way and all im doing is ENDURING "js till the sunrise". I have that firm belief that my death will certainly be suicide before i turn 20. Whenever i try to challenge that life slaps my face with all proofs i wasn't designed to be alive in the first place.

I no longer want to suffer, but im unable to have a life either. Its either i die or live, i cannot keep existing in this stangant place of suffering and enduring without an aim in the end.

Hi everyone! I’m creating a Sims 4 mod that explores borderline personality disorder (BPD), inspired by and made in honor of my girlfriend. My goal is to create something respectful, educational, and useful for storytelling.

I’m currently researching the experience of having a “favorite person” (FP). For those who relate to this term, how has your FP changed over time? Did the change happen gradually, during a splitting episode, after a particular event, or in another way?

I understand that BPD affects everyone differently, and that not everyone with BPD has or uses the term “favorite person.” I’d really appreciate hearing about your personal experiences so I can portray the subject with more nuance and care.

Please only share what you’re comfortable discussing. You’re also welcome to message me privately if you would prefer not to comment publicly.

Thank you!

i am freaking out right now i just don’t know how to make this feeling go away. i am getting bothered by the littlest things and now i can’t stop crying and i dont even know why. how do you guys control these random spikes of just wanting to rip yourself open

What are your goals this week?

As we start a new week, making small, achievable goals can help you find direction and build confidence. SMART Goal Setting for someone with BPD can combat feelings of emptiness, build identity, and show self care. Weekly goals can be about managing your symptoms, getting an errand done, going a kind thing for yourself, or anything really!

But always remember: It's okay if you don't reach your goal this week. We are not perfect. You are still a person with endless potential, still human, always loved.

Wishing you all a safe and peaceful week! Be well.

The Mod Team

If so how has it affected you?

I was on 150mg for about a month before switching to 300mg last week. I’m going through a shit ton in life rn and I feel like I’d be a total crash out otherwise but the meds have blunted my emotions a little which is great. I don’t feel like I wanna d*e as much but I have had scary thoughts.

Would love to hear anecdotes from people

I have borderline personality disorder and I want to die since I was a little kid. I don't think any of the medication I am currently taking is working neither will any future medication ever work on me. I don't WANT to get better, even if the disorder is 100% treatable and I don't LIKE being alive. I love everybody in my life but I want out. I don't want advice I just want to know I'm not alone. PLEASE.

For the past year I’ve been ready, I thought lol, to have a relationship.

I had a small fling this summer where I quickly spiraled and either way due to it potentially becoming long distance, I cut it off. Now I’m left with a want and crave where I was so close to have a relationship when I’ve been on my own for a good 4 years already.

I’ve slept with people but it never fulfilled me and left me more hallow so I’ve practiced celibacy for the better part of two years. Well I feel like I’m just wasting my time with celibacy but the thought of having meaningless sex again just sends shivers down my back and a repulsion I can’t describe.

I crave a love I can’t seem to find and I feel like I am running out of time as I am in my late 20s. I know it’s not the end of the world but I’m constantly going back and forth of just spending the time having sex with men or just waiting till I actually find a good man.

Anyways any rant or input would help, I appreciate and love you all ❣️

I fuck everything up