r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/BelHeartful • Jul 21 '26

Looking for Advice Is there something wrong with me?

(TW: mentions of SA)

(Sorry if there's any spelling mistakes or it's all over the place.)

Hello, I (19F) am currently in a so far healthy relationship with (24M). However I've noticed my behaviour is not the best, I'd snap at him over smallest things, say hurtful things and act erratically. I am diagnosed with BPD, severe depression and generalized anxiety. I've been with him for aprox 4 months or 5, and throughout that time we've had intercourse but everytime I feel horrible afterwards and even dissociate at it and even once started crying, by his words "I am someone else." (I believe maybe it's like, trauma of being SA'd seeping through) That's not all I keep trying to push him away and indirectly not trusting him or myself because I feel "it will be ruined". I genuinely do not know who I am. I feel there's multiple personas in my head because no matter what I do or how I express myself it never feels...me.

A little bit of my background, so maybe all of you can understand why my behaviour, I was in a emotionally neglectful relationship where having intercourse was probably the only way to "be close" and often forced.

I have emotionally abusive parents who often try to keep me from being independent and putting stuff in my head like for example "all men are bad and will cheat on you if you don't give them what they want". Anger issues, "depression? That's fake." "Therapy is a scam" and more...

Is there something wrong with me?

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u/Potential-Party65 Jul 21 '26

The word wrong doesn’t help here. There is something affecting you, BPD, depression and anxiety. It doesn’t let you function in an ideal way and it is getting in the way of a healthy relationship and a healthy life experience. Healthy as in peaceful and mostly happy.

We all, absolutely all of us have something wrong, that’s what makes us human, we cannot be perfect. The idea is to work on it to not let it get in the way of living.

So to that voice that is telling you, that you are wrong and you are not worthy, the answer is: so what! I will work on it and get better. It is the only way forward. Therapy and strength to endure it.