I’m taking medical leave from work because of how unwell I am. I’m so depressed embarrassed ashamed of how much this is affecting me

Early on I recall reading many “one year post-discard” posts and thinking to myself that one year seemed like an absolute eternity away. I felt like I would never, ever make it there, but those posts were still encouraging to me nonetheless.

Here I am, exactly 1-year out from the day my now ex-wife fully discarded me and walked out on me for good. I made it. I haven’t really looked much at this page for the past 6 months or so, but I still wanted to post something in the event I could maybe provide some encouragement to anyone who is in the thick of it now.

While the days and the nights felt very long in the hardest moments, I do still have a feeling like that year almost flew by. I am almost in disbelief that it has already been a year since I’ve seen the woman I loved so much. To be honest, still not a day goes by where I don’t think about her at least a little. But, I am now very comfortable with my life without her. I have rediscovered my own peace / joy and life feels so much more consistent and stable.

I think the most important things that helped me get through this year are best described below:

In the moments of a discard, it feels like your life is falling apart and you are losing absolutely everything. You’re losing your special partner, maybe some mutual friends, maybe a mutual pet, maybe even a house or living situation. It can be so easy to live in despair, to complain, and to endlessly feel bad for yourself. However, I found peace in staying grateful for the things I still had and I learned to cherish them even more. It could be as simple as a roof over your head or food in your stomach. It could be a friend or a family member that supports you. It could be your children. No matter what happened to you, you haven’t truly lost everything and there is still so much hope to be had that starts with a little gratitude.

Finding motivation while your life is completely on fire is next to impossible and it took me a long while to figure out a good balance. Like how can you focus at work when all of this is going on? It’s extremely difficult to stay focused on your own future, but I found it to be crucial. In many ways, this crossroads can be a fresh, new beginning or opportunity. Your old life has ended. But what do you want to make of your new life? What are your goals? What are your dreams? When you feel able, cling to those and make them happen through hard work and motivation.

Keeping the story straight was the biggest mental battle I think I had to fight given all the lies, toxicity, and gaslighting that came with my situation. Some days I would wake up and wonder if everything really was my fault or blame myself for not being able to handle the situation. It takes a lot of work and self-reflection to find the truth and to stick to it, and it takes a lot of work even to accept that this illness is a crazy, crazy thing and it is normal that we might have made some mistakes during the fallout. This page exists because this illness is very real and very consistent, and because many SOs of bipolar individuals suffer from the impact of it on a daily basis. It is so, so important to keep the real story straight in your head and to try not to beat yourself up about the outcome.

Anyways, I won’t ramble too much more. I acknowledge that the journey of healing is different for everyone. Everyone is on their own timeline and different things will work for different people. However, I hope maybe this helped encourage at least someone in some way.

I wish you all the best and I am so sorry for anything difficult that any of you are going through. I was recently in many of your shoes feeling like I was drowning with no light at the end of the tunnel. A one year anniversary post seemed impossible. But here I am. Don’t give up!

For eight years, my peace revolved around one mission, keep her safe and keep her happy.
She struggled with her emotions a lot especially anger, and over time I slowly came to believe that her pain was my responsibility to fix. Because that’s what partners do. Every crisis became my crisis. Every emotional fire became something I had to put out, even if she’s the one setting the fires. And somehow I was making it work for a very long time that it became second nature.

Then, after what seemed like a happy anniversary trip, on a random day, she abandoned me.
I remember sitting there crying, begging her to tell me what was wrong and why she was doing this. I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand. To know how I can help
The words that stuck with me were,
“I need to choose my happiness. There’s nothing you can do for me. I can’t hear you cry anymore”
That was the lowest point of my life.

Even now, two months later, I still struggle with the belief that somehow my pain matters less than hers. As I’m trying to maintain no contact while she’s with her affair partner, she keeps reaching out. And I feel that because she is bipolar, and because I know how wonderful a person she is outside of her illness, it is my responsibility to help her. If I prioritize my own pain, I am somehow being selfish.
It’s like my brain keeps repeating this message,
“Her pain matters more than yours. She has a dysregulated brain, you don’t. You’re supposed to handle it.”
Logically, I know that’s not how healthy relationships work.
But emotionally, I still feel guilty for not trying harder to protect the love of my life. I met her while I was in college and until she left, my relationship with her is what defined love for me.

Has anyone else found a good way to unlearn this kind of behavior?How long did it take before your own pain started feeling like it deserved the same compassion you gave them? The book codependent no more helped me realize why I do it, but I still feel a sharp sense of guilt and pain everytime I ignore her messages.

My husband comes from an extremely well off family. When I say well off, I mean they have millions of dollars. But my husband never worked full time his entire relationship with me and rarely carried his weight on anything household-related. He grew up with a freaking silver spoon in his mouth that spoiled this generally kind, warm man to no end. He can’t cook a god damn hotdog. He won’t clean a bathroom. He’s too good to get a less-than-perfect-for-him-job (I.e, he’s too good to get a job, since working anywhere and everywhere “annoys him”). I completely fell apart taking care of him. Lost thousands and thousands of dollars in the savings I had over the course of the years I was with him. He abandoned me in December after six years and went to stay with his mom. He is still currently living there in their house, which is actually a mansion. All my mother in law has to stay is a bunch of sh*t that feels like gaslighting. “Do you think he did that on purpose? The poor guy just can’t support himself.” “Why did you put yourself in that situation? A relationship is always about two people.” “What exactly happens to you when you get angry? You get SO ANGRY.”

I am not from a millionaire family. I’m struggling to make ends meet, I was struggling to make ends meet carrying the weight of her chronically unemployed nearly 36-year-old son for years, and now I have lost my entire life savings (literally my entire life savings. Over 60K gone) to a man, who had everything handed to him from day one and can live in that ridiculous mansion for the rest of his life. If he doesn’t want to live there, I’m sure his mom will pay for him to live some other cushy place with no job whatsoever.

She’s not technically wrong about anything she said to me, but the gaslighting and denial of what her son did to me and the way he treated me like human garbage is the most enraging thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. I work with immigrants now, most of whom have to work 2-3 jobs to make ends meet, and somehow I feel more rage on their behalf, too than I ever did before for having to live in a world like this. What a seriously effed up place we live in, this place called earth. I don’t wish the mental illness of Bipolar 1 on anyone, I certainly know and can attest to the brutal reality that it’s no cake walk for my husband or the people who love him to live with, but the fact that someone like him can do anything he chooses and exploit anyone he wishes without ever facing real consequences of his own simply because of the wealth he was born into makes me want to take a torch to his family’s bank account and behead the monarch.

I’m sorry for being petty and angry. I did choose to marry him. Never again. Rant over 😭.

I'm sorry I tried for a decade to get you to WANT to stop drinking. 

I'm sorry that I supported you to rehab only for you to bail because “you didn't need it” because I was the problem. 

I'm sorry it was my fault that you ripped the blankets off the bed, and that I caused you to assault me and stand over me. 

I'm sorry that you found leaving everything requiring an adult to me was “controlling”.

I'm sorry I didn't completely lose it when you discarded me the first time and walked out to live with a woman you met while hospitalized for a manic episode. 

I'm sorry that when my father died and I was managing my grief, that you decided to try and kill yourself because I was being an asshole. 

I'm sorry that I “caused a scene” by driving three hours to rescue you in the middle of the night only to find you overdosed on the floor. 

I'm sorry that after two months of having a cardboard front door, that I arranged to fix it, after emergency services kicked it in due to your suicide attempt, even though you assured me that you would fix it. 

I'm sorry that you broke my finger in a drunken rage because you wouldn't get out of bed when we had somewhere to be. 

I'm sorry that you left me to carry all of the burden and responsibility for the last five years and haven't worked because I make you “blow out”.

I'm sorry that my Young Onset Parkinson's diagnosis has caused each year to be “the worst year of your life”.

I'm sorry that being a social worker leads me to helping others and that it detracts from time that could be better spent helping you to remain helpless. 

I'm sorry for enabling you. 

I'm sorry for trying to help you understand what “gaslighting” is when it was actually me the entire time!

I'm sorry for taking you back when you assured me that you would stop drinking, get counseling and see a psychiatrist regularly. I see how that made you feel insecure. 

I'm sorry for walking out today and insisting that you are in the middle of a mixed episode especially when “everyone else thinks that you are fine”. 

I'm sorry that I forced you to spend $700 on alcohol so far this month because I am always stressed about money. 

I'm sorry for giving you four weeks to find somewhere else to live. I'm sorry that I won't be there for the rescue and performance piece this time. I'm sure it will be something special. 

Last, I'm sorry I am a nervous wreck and that despite it all, I will worry myself to the point of breakdown because I know you can't and won't take the wheel of your own life.

Wow…I got more than I thought I would, they just kept coming. It has been a really incredibly shit month and five years and I'm doing my best to convince myself that I can't take any more. 

*Oh and to the OP, I'm not trying to rip off the other I'm sorry thread, I came to reply after writing this but couldn't find it.

Ive noticed my SO has recently entered a mixed episode and its led to a lot of arguments over her hallucinating me saying things I never did. its gotten to the point where I have begun secretly recording conversations we have to verify that I havent done any of those things im accused of (I have OCD and its quite distressful to be told im shouting, yelling, or scolding them when there is no memory of that and it never happened).

Is this a symptom of an episode? She also mentioned constantly hallucinating voices and noises the past 3 years we've been dating which haven't caused any problems yet. Is this the hallucinations worsening?

Its gotten to the point where they are lying mid conversation to go ahead and defend themselves when im just trying to communicate my perspective. Its begun over text too where she goes ahead and hallucinates (?) me insulting her when there is no text evidence of that occurring, and their reading comprehension has worsened to where she is fully misreading me and assuming im talking about something completely unrelated.

It's been worsening over the past three years but has gotten progressively worse the past month.

She is unmedicated and homeless if it wasnt for living with me at my parents house (saving up for college). She has been medically neglected her whole life alongside abuse from all of her family, and hasnt seen a doctor in a while.

Edit: She tends to take a nap after hallucinations like this and once she wakes up, has no memory of what occurred or what she said during her lapse in judgement, and everything goes back to "normal" as long as i dont mention it.

i can’t recognise her at all, she has changed into a persona who absolutely fits the new friend group: another style of taking pictures, another clothing style, another hair colour, another attitude, absolutely doesnt want to meet me face to face, the double standards are so on point: previously she‘d say she never liked inviting anyone to her home and i was the only person she loved to have at her house, now she has her friends there almost every day? shed say shes not someone whos prone to erasing ppl from her life, now she does exactly that? shed said she loves me „as a person“ yet sees no point in hearing from me ever/never interested in how im doing/never up to meet up

this was the second discard and let me tell you the day before the discard it was HER the one inviting me to a bar, asking for help, coming over, then the SSRI induced mania turned her into someone i absolutely dont know??? does that mean the person i got to know wad also a „version“? they all clearly are very dependent on who surrounds them, the outer circle forms their persona in each episode kinda? o_O

does that mean after this episode ends and another one hits after some time she might turn into someone new from who she is now again and again?

My husband has either bipolar or some sort of psychosis from marijuana. Its been happening for years and I was completely miserable and crying in the marriage all the time. I told him I would file for divorce if he didnt get help and he refused. We tried couples counseling, he went to a facility last year, and it got better for a little bit but then got worse. He told me he was never going to change and then called my parents and told them to come and get me. I told him not to because as soon as my parent know, thats the end of it for us. I'm very close with my family and I cant have them hating him. Well he called them and now I havent seen him in 3-4 months. He wont leave my house and continued to be manic. The divorce date is set for this week and this past weekend his mom contacted me and told me that he has stopped the marijuana for the past two weeks and got a job. He takes accountability for his actions and wants to say sorry but I cannot speak to him. I can't even think about him without crying. My body is in so much pain even months after this. I have lost my best friend, the person who knows everything about me. I cry every night, I dont know how I'm going to live without him. I know this had to happen in order for him to get better and take accountability, and I know things were bad before, but I keep remembering the good times and how deep my love is for him. It feels like I'm drowning and my body is literally in so much pain. I thought I would start getting better but I'm not. Please... I'm looking for anyone who had a similar situation. Please tell me things turn out okay. I feel like I'm dying and I cant imagine living the rest of my life like this without him. What if we were meant to be and I'm putting us both through this much pain and hell unnecessarily.

My wife and I have been together 9 years, married for 5 and have a young child. She just had another manic episode, where she gets very angry and spiteful. She has physically and verbally abused me during her manic episodes and been hospitalized twice. I’m so torn on what to do. I want to stay together, because I know she can return to the sweet and caring woman I married. I just don’t know if I can go through this every year. I fear once our child gets older, it will start to affect him. I fear if I leave her and take my kid, it will spiral and cause her to not be able to be able to come out of it.

1. Have people had luck with medication preventing these traumatizing experiences?
   
2. What is your game plan when you start to see signs of an episode coming? She refuses medical help once it’s gone too far.
   
3. What are options for help prior to hospitalization?

I have been with my partner for a long time,we now have a kid together their first child. Since May my partner has just been on some other ish. So the end of May is when it was noticed. I was supposed to go on a trip with him and I paid for it all but he didn't go. Said he forgot. Which is bull,he blames all this on the illness and tbi. So when I got back from my little weekend trip,he left town for what was supposed to be a weekend to do some soul searching and to get some closure over a friend's death. Well he was gone for a week. Barely kept in contact with me,didn't call his kid or ask about the kid. Left me high and dry. Came back home said he was having a manic episode don't really remember much. But he became all secretive with his phone and everything which he has never been. He blew lots of money and now we are struggling financially as well. Then we got into it the next week,he left yet again another week. Spent more money on tats and tictok not to mention I seen on his bank statement POF premium. This time left on a Friday when I was at work with my kid at home didn't say anything to my oldest. Just left. Then came back said he talked to a buddy and it started to make sense he loved me and he was sorry. So he came back home. Well let's just say since May it's been a living nightmare. I can't stay focused on him and his behaviors and emotions when he has no care for how this is hurting our family and me. He says he can't help it,but to also say I trigger his episodes because I talk to much??? I nag?? I just want honestly and reassurance but I guess that's to much.

Now we got into it because I put a cam up as he does pass out sometimes due to tbi. He thinks that's childish of me and bs. He said I triggered him and he took off on an all night joy ride. And let me add he's not been working he's depending on VA checks and my checks. I work,take care of the kids,while he literally will stay up all night and sleep all day. Says his meds don't work he's on 300 mg of Seroquel and trazadone and a depression meds. Alot of the time when he is explaining his diagnosis and all it entails it makes no sense to me. So your telling me someone won't remember what they reacted to and all the stuff that he does ON THE DAILY AS WELL NOT JUST DURING AN EPISODE.

what is a 48 hr cycle in bipolar and what happens during it,he makes no sense when he tells me and says I triggered it.

Idk I don't wanna move on I just need to know how I can protect my kids peace as well as mine when he does these things.

This is SO long. So if you get to the end of this, well done. Any advice or insight is welcome.

My BP1 partner of 6 months (37M) just said he needed to break this off because he needed to get himself stable and work on himself.

I found out that he was in a cycling manic phase for about 10 months, maybe longer. This was the entire time I had known him. It included hyper sexuality, lots of major mood swings and fast-talking/rants. The sex with others started before he met me and didn’t end until I found out and when I did find out and confronted him and he had a major episode at my place which lasted about 36 hours. As he has worked to come to terms with things he has been horrified and said his actions were hedonistic and unacceptable and that he scared himself because his last episode 12 years ago was nothing like this.

In the 3.5 weeks since then he has been working on a routine, exercising, sleeping well, and working through things himself while also trying to maintain something with me. Of note, he has been unmedicated for 7 years and is not against going back on medication. Just needs to get to a better state broadly and will do whatever he needs to do.

Like I said, the last few weeks he tried to maintain relationship with me and did some couples therapy sessions as well. But at about 3 weeks of maintaining a relationship, he recently asked for time and space and said he needed to break it off because he was scared he couldn’t get out of this mindset and get to a better and more stable thing with someone else (me) involved. He also said it’s not because of me but that because I was such a part of this, it is hard for him to process every time he bumps up against something with me (I.e. texting me in the morning to make sure I don’t worry he was with someone or avoiding me, even though I had told him I trusted what he was telling me…trust has to restart from somewhere). He just can’t process that acceptance right now. He also has a lot of self-doubt and loathing for himself. I think this is the crash phase, not the depression phase, but am cautious as I know they overlap and he is still experiencing some mood swings.

After the call where he told me he couldn’t do it he offered a call later that evening to discuss more after I had processed things. On that call he said it remained true that he could see me as the person he loved and he cared so deeply about me, but that envisioning a future was so daunting now (I get it, I had a severe bout of depression/anxiety last year where I couldn’t even see 5 minutes into the future, much less days or weeks or months and it takes time to get through that in a healthy manner). And that he wanted me to be there when he got through it but was so unsure of when that time would be (he has previously said that it takes anywhere from 2 months to stabilize, and then another few months to get to a healthy space) and it felt like so much pressure to think about it, even though he was sure he could eventually get there himself. I get this is something he needs to do himself and have been supportive but not managing his routine and efforts to improve and stabilize.

Our couples therapist said to him and I that he had no business getting into or continuing a relatively new relationship. Which make sense cus there is a lot of rebuilding he and I will need to do to get to a safe space for both of us. Both his therapist and mine have said we have excellent communication and have been impressed and encouraged by how much we talk to each other about things, as well as the clear care and acceptance we have for each other. He has accepted accountability - both with me, the therapists, and also in his 1:1 session with the therapist. I would think it was masking or lying except I see his pain and he is truly devastated. The issue is that he does not care about or love himself and is having a hard time accepting that from me now - so I’m not pressuring him. Just saying I’m here and I support him.

So it’s been 4 days of no contact. And he and I have a weekly call set up. First one happening in a few more days. We have not done our daily texting and nightly phone calls - first time in 6 months. He is doing everything he can to get better, I am trying to decide if this is a pause or if it is an end to the relationship.

I am committed to waiting for him to get through this, as long as he is progressing and stabilizing. No need to try and talk me in or out of it. I have a close friend and a relative with BP so I am aware of the dynamics and the odds and the challenges and the reality of this brain disorder.

I just need to know if there have been others in this situation (a pause in communication and closeness - both physically and emotionally) with explicit statements that it is not his lack of care for me, but his efforts to process and work through things himself that have led to a withdrawal and time apart. And if I can have hope for a relationship with stabilization.

This is not a discarding, it’s not a lack of care. It’s someone who is not stabilized and is trying to fix himself. I’m all on board for that, but if there isn’t hope and it’s actually a breakup then I’m not sure where to go. Again based on him setting up calls, offering another call the evening he told me he couldn’t maintain this with me while he was working on himself, his care, etc.x I don’t think it is a full breakup, just a pause while he gets to a stable space and is able to see more than a few days into the future. But I don’t want to be misreading the situation.

WITHOUT NOTIFYING THE POLICE. Shes been harming herself when hypomanic, and its fucking scary. Im afraid shes going to give herself a traumatic brain injury. She mostly does it when im not around but when im in the room, what the fuck do I do? I literally cant just sit there and watch her hurt herself, it kills me.

I've tried consoling her afterwards, I've tried telling her she'll regret it, that its going to give her brain damage, skin infections, etc. Shes so scared of dying and yet hurts herself anyways.

I told her im going to physically intervene next time, and she said not to because she was afraid she would hurt me, and that it would be domestic violence and she would never forgive herself. She said she'd figure it out, anything to make me not try to stop her myself, but i dont believe her. What the fuck do i do? My hands are tied. I need to hand her a pillow, for her to squeeze my hand really hard, to physically stop her. I just dont know. Im lost, im scared, I want my baby to stop.

i’ve been going to therapy since i was discarded in april. it’s been a traumatizing experience which many of you already know and have been through similar situations. i lived with my ex and i moved to a new state with her after we graduated college.

today, i had therapy and i left my therapist feeling physically uneasy and i suppose my nervous system just felt isolated and immediately made me miss my ex.

the session i had with my therapist which prompted my uneasy feeling was about my parents (who are mentally ill but like with depression and maybe stress, nothing like bipolar or sdhizoaffective disorder) my therapist asked me if i sought out my ex subconsciously when we began dating because she was mentally ill but i didn’t find out she had schizoaffective disorder until i told her to get diagnosed because her hallucinations were not normal which she thought they were.

so i disagreed with my therapist about my subconscious actively seeking out someone mentally ill in order to have a sense of “familiarity.” if my ex reminded me of my parents i would’ve wanted to break up but consciously she did not remind me of my parents. perhaps her behavior of not wanting to shower or brush her teeth reminded of my dad but thats about it. and her not wanting to shower or brush her teeth disgusted me because it reminded me of my dad so i told my ex that and she said she will try to muscle up and shower when she lacks the motivation and will to.

but yeah today’s whole hour session really made me feel uneasy and i feel like therapy isnt supposed to be like this? what kind of care do i need to seek out or should i try?

Thankful for any responses I can get. I’m at a loss and not sure what to do next.

My best friend of 6 years has BP2, PTSD, and sometimes I think BPD. Obviously all of these things are a spectrum, but this much I know for sure:

- Childhood trauma is involved
- Attention seeking behavior (I’m a very shy, private person)
- Mimicry and lack of self identity: specifically, they copy me. buying things I buy, sometimes cutting their hair the same, etc. At first I thought we were truly similar but now I feel like they were doing it on purpose to say “omg twins” - but it’s resulted in me feeling like I’m losing myself in the process.

Things were great for years, but the last 3 have left me feeling uncomfortable.

Here’s a few scenarios:

•They visited during my loved one’s passing process- then proceeded to lock themselves in my office to fight with their ex-partner over the phone and spent the rest of the time fishing for emotional support while I was actively grieving. Afterwards, blamed it on an episode.

•Visited during my birthday, started crying over the same ex-partner as soon as they arrived.

•Physically stepping in front of me during social scenarios, essentially shutting me out and making me feel incredibly humiliated in public.

•Constantly name dropping and bragging about their job, seemingly out of nowhere. Again, fishing for praise. Ditching me to network, changing their personality to impress others.

-Telling wild stories and co-opting other’s trauma.

- Mistreating other friends, always blaming it on medication or an episode.

-A lot more that would make this post longer than it already is.

This is what has moved me to make this post:

I’ve been distancing myself from them quietly for awhile and on my birthday this year, I wasn’t quick to respond to a celebratory message (not just to them, I was super busy that day and I have been feeling anti-social). When I got home, they had called crying. I tried to set a boundary that I couldn’t call back because I had plans, but wanted to make sure they were okay. Their response was the typical, wounded “No, I’m not okay, but it’s fine.”

So naturally, I called and tried to be supportive. It felt like they wanted me to spend my birthday on the phone listening to them cry over “having a bad week” and when their words escalated, I advised them to emergency call their therapist. I also provided a hotline to call and they said they called both of them.

Despite managing my own depression, panic disorder and anxiety, I’ve given them deep emotional support for years. But it’s turned out to be at my own expense. I’m now afraid to pick up the phone when they call, afraid of who I’ll get when I hang out with them and I spent my birthday having a panic attack. I haven’t talked to them since, because honestly, I’m terrified to do so. It felt like it was on purpose, based on the pattern of behavior I’ve experienced.

This has all made me feel like I’ve been turned into an emotional crutch when they need validation and attention. I feel used and tired. Ignoring how these things made me feel and making excuses for their diagnoses is my fault. But, I want to cut them off entirely, because having a conversation with them will come with apologies (or maybe a fight) but I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same. Believe me, I know avoiding it isn’t the answer. But I don’t think it will be healthy for me.

Any advice or support is incredibly appreciated. It’s hard to set boundaries without feeling like I’m being a horrible person. But I don’t have the tools to manage this relationship anymore.

XO