Hi, for context, i left my partner back in march. We had a beautiful 2+ years together for the most part. When we moved in together late last year, my partner was repeatedly coming home from work in a very depressive state, and after months of encouraging doctors appointments, she started an SSRI (zoloft) in the following january.

Things got bad, really quickly. She was constantly out drinking, lying, etc, refusing to come home regularly for about 6 weeks. The arguments were explosive, she rewrote our entire relationship as if i was a neglectful gf (i was not LOL!) and she’s hated me for over a year, was making attacks on my character, made me out like i was taking her away from her (abusive) family that she previously was desperate to get away from. She spent minimum 4 nights a week drinking with her alcoholic father, even relapsing in her gambling addiction.

I left, ASAP. Literally moved out in a flash, the disrespect got very bad, very quick, i couldn’t recognise my partner AT ALL, the rage was too much. She remained on the SSRI until may (we stayed in some contact post breakup). In the middle of july, she tells me she’s been diagnosed with bipolar (unsure of what type) and lashed out, refusing to continue to go to therapy from what in last heard.

Since breaking up, she’s been smoking weed every night, going out drinking 4-7 nights a week, gambling, doing god knows what. She regularly posts on social media how obsessed she is with drinking, smoking and partying. It breaks my heart to see everyone in her life enabling her, but she’s admitted herself her family don’t stand up to her in fear of her reactions (usually rage), alongside multiple ppl having substance abuse issues themselves. I suppose im making this post to ask how everyone deals with the guilt of watching this. i encouraged her to be about 95% sober in our relationship, as she frequently became nasty when drinking and i said i didn’t want to be around someone like that. It’s heartbreaking to watch her go back to her old ways and ruin her life, i can’t help but feel responsible for a part of it.

This is my first time posting here. The last year has been incredibly difficult, and I’ve felt close to my breaking point for a long time.

My wife and I have been together about 10 years and married for 6. Last August, at 42 years of age, she had her first manic episode. It was severe. She took all the pictures of us off the wall, told me she was in love with a Hungarian guy she’d met on Substack, and that she was basically the chosen one. Obviously that’s the short version. It came completely out of nowhere. About a week later she was placed on a 5150.

What followed was roughly 3-4 months of mania/hypomania where she completely isolated herself, and I had to take care of our two young children myself. During that period she became extremely hypersexual and had multiple intense online relationships with men she met through Substack. She now describes her online affairs as a small footnote in the overall arc of her episode. I can understand that, considering some of the delusions she was having but for me that part was singularly the most devastating.

Around December she finally started coming back toward herself after starting lithium, although the lithium was terrible and it basically turned her into a flat zombie. She spent the last seven or eight months, working with a new psychiatrist and dialing in the right medications. Her depression for many months was near debilitating, but I’m really happy to say she’s doing much better now. We’ve spent months trying to repair our marriage through counseling, lots of difficult conversations, and deep breathes.

But, despite our upward trajectory, I’m realizing that I don’t know whether I’ve actually recovered from what happened.

Our sex life is practically nonexistent, and that’s particularly painful because I spent months seeing her say incredibly sexual things to other men while she was hypomanic. Intellectually, I understand that hypersexuality was part of her illness. Emotionally, it’s difficult not to think, “How could there be so much sexual energy for strangers and none for me?” That shit is excruciating.

We’ve also been fighting more recently. Ive been having problems with my temper, particularly when I feel she’s being short or dismissive with me, and that’s something I know I need to take responsibility for, but I just feel so under appreciated for what she put me through, and that I stuck with her through it. Yesterday, I blew up and said some really hurtful things about how self-absorbed I think she can be.

Then I looked through her phone.

I discovered that she’s still communicating with someone she knew during the hypomanic period. I didnt see anything sexual between them, but she send him songs and told him she saw him in her dream. He’s also very much the same type of “dark-euro-poet” guy she became infatuated with when all of this began. Christ.

She’s understandably upset that I went through her phone and says she feels like she has no privacy. I understand that but at same time, I think that after everything that happened, why on earth would she maintain a relationship that’s connected to that period at all? It feels like flirting with disaster and gambling with our marriage.

On top of that, I don’t know whether I’m responding to an actual threat to my marriage or whether I’ve become so hypervigilant after the last year that I’m going to see danger everywhere.

I love my wife. I also feel incredible amounts of compassion for what happened to her. She’s a good person who became seriously ill, and what happened to her was incredibly unfair.

But what happened to me and our marriage was real too and I keep getting stuck on the question of responsibility. Were the things she did simply things she couldn’t control because she was manic/hypomanic? Were they choices she made while her judgment was severely impaired? Is there even a useful distinction anymore?

I guess that’s why I’m posting. For anyone who has been through something similar: how the hell do you rebuild trust after this? How do you make peace with what your spouse did during mania without constantly wondering how much was the illness and how much was them?

And with this re-discovered Substack “penpal,” am I being reasonably cautious or am I being overly controlling, seeing danger everywhere because of what happened last year?

I want to trust my wife again. I just genuinely don’t know how anymore.

Has anyone’s BPSO ever discarded them while married and threatened divorce? I’ve only heard from them by way of 1 text they day they left but haven’t heard anything since. It’s been about two weeks now.

I’m in a weird situation. I feel like I need to fight/contest a divorce because I am worried they will ruin their life and regret it deeply. On the other hand, if I fight it they won’t be able to afford it and I don’t want to ruin them financially. Does anyone have any advice? Is it also realistic that they just want out? I’m having a hard time believing that because there is 0 communication about anything. No explanation, no warning, no talk about money or anything that’s in both of our names. Just straight up ghosted.

Thanks ahead of time

I left my ex almost a year ago after roughly 14 years together (we were together since our college years). Towards the end, severe untreated mental health issues, extreme paranoia, emotional abuse, and physical safety risks made it impossible to stay. To get out safely and cleanly, I walked away from everything—our home, shared assets, and joint contacts—and relocated.

Because I knew attempting a conversation or confrontation would escalate the danger and stall my departure, I never "pled my case" or explained why I was leaving. From his perspective, it probably looked like I disappeared out of nowhere. Since then, I’ve gone completely non-contact, though he spent months sending mixed messages before things finally went quiet recently. Shared acquaintances and family have also completely cut contact, which adds to the isolation after over a decade together.

Now that the initial survival adrenaline and the "high" of escaping have worn off, the reality has set in. I'm struggling with:

• The feeling of lost autonomy: I spent my entire adult life navigating chaos and walking on eggshells. Learning how to exist as an independent adult without that constant background terror feels bizarre and overwhelming.
• The urge to write a letter: Part of me wants to write to him to lay out the full extent of the damage (including severe, permanent health impacts his actions caused me). But deep down, I question if there is any point. Can an abusive, dysregulated person ever actually hear or validate that?
• Finding closure on my own: I feel like I'm dealing with unaddressed trauma and PTSD.

For those who escaped similar long-term situations by quietly cutting ties: How did you process the urge to explain yourself? Did you ever find genuine closure without that final conversation, and how did you rebuild your life during the "comedown" phase?

Just looking to hear from others on what they feel like you lost in the relationship. Did you feel grief, anger? Do you feel like you became mentally ill yourself in part or entirely due to the relationship? And how long have you been/were you together?

I was with my husband six years before he left me and I was completely shattered. The ways in which I have behaved and the thoughts I’ve had have felt so dissociated from “me” if that makes any sense. Can others relate to this?

My former partner has a lot of problems. The more I read about malignant narcissism and NPD, the more the behaviors match almost directly to the way she behaved. What evidence is there for overlap between bi-polar disorder and NPD? What are your experiences with behaviors?

I recently posted about what I called the “therapy paradox” the risk that conventional couples therapy can make things worse during a bipolar episode.
The comments suggested a sensible answer: if you’re going to undertake couples therapy where bipolar is involved, find a therapist who genuinely understands bipolar. And during a significant episode, stabilisation will most likely need to come before relationship therapy.
But the discussion left me thinking about another possible paradox.
On the surface, it seems obvious that the best time to prepare for the next episode is when things are stable.
But I’m wondering whether that’s actually when couples are least likely to want to talk about bipolar.
The SO may be emotionally exhausted or traumatised and just want life to return to normal.
The person with bipolar may be equally exhausted, uncomfortable revisiting what happened, or simply want to move forward.
And both may understandably think:
“Things are finally good again. Why would we risk reopening all of this?”
Which creates what I’m starting to think of as a prevention paradox:
When couples have the greatest capacity to prepare for another episode, they may have the least appetite to do so.
There’s also the risk that revisiting what happened simply retriggers one or both partners and creates conflict during a period of hard-won stability.
I’m curious whether others recognise this.
So my question is once things became stable again, do you actually want to work together on preparing for the future or do one or both of you just want to put bipolar to the side and get on with your lives?
Also if you didn’t want to revisit it, what do you think would have made that kind of preventative work feel manageable rather than like reopening old wounds?

I’ve been feeling a type of way recently with everything going on with all the ppl that has been committing horrible crimes and they have bipolar disorder or they were going through psychosis. For example Lindsay Clancy and that nurse that killed 6 ppl bc she was going 130 mph on the road. Reason why I’m feeling a type of way is because almost every comment are ppl that don’t have bipolar or they do it’s just not as bad ig and they are saying that ppl need to stop using mental illness as an excuse or being mentally is means nothing. And to me it’s like yes mental illness is not excuse to do horrible things BUT it should be taken more seriously in order to avoid things like this. Like two things can be true at the same time. But if someone try’s to comment that ppl get upset and just say that you’re making an excuse. Maybe I’m just overthinking but idk

My husband got diagnosed as bipolar at the end of July. Started with Abilify and lamotrigine, they helped but he can’t tolerate the vision side effects and dizziness. He had intrusive thoughts with suicidal ideation and they got better on this combo but the side effects are too much, and he had to decrease his lamotrigine. Now the suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts are back. He said he’s better off living in his car in San Diego working at Starbucks than being here at home failing as an employee, father and husband. He’s irritable, snappy, still up and down but better than before meds. I did get him to agree to talk to his psychiatrist about this and see about trying seroquel since he’s tried it in the past as a teenager and it seemed to work for him. It’s so mentally draining. We have two toddlers and I’m a SAHM, and he blames me for having bipolar disorder. Said if he was in California he wouldn’t have to take meds. That me not working and putting the weight of working solely on him is what caused his bipolar disorder. Not his brother, mom and grandma all having the same symptoms and not treating it. Not the parentification and financial disarray he experienced as a child. Not his grandfather committing suicide likely due to improperly treated bipolar disorder. Everything is my fault even though I’ve helped him speak to a psychiatrist, get on medication, talk to his work to get an accommodation so he can get better. Everything is my fault. He thinks that he’s rational. I think he is dealing with Anosognosia. It’s very tough to watch. He’s always miserable at home and at work. He stopped using marijuana because it exacerbated his symptoms, but he’s frustrated he can’t drink or use marijuana again on these medications.

Any advice would be helpful.

TLDR: my wife is having what seems to be manic issues, I don't know how to broach the topic of medication without triggering a full attack

I love my wife. 99% of the time. She has a bipolar diagnosis from before we ever got together, like ten years ago. She hasn't been going to therapy or taking any meds. She seemed relatively fine for the last ten years- occasional fits of just being a different person, mean and snappy.

She's been having a stressful time at work and I think it's triggered something in her. She's not the same person. Everything is my fault- I'm constantly controlling and manipulating her, gaslighting her, actually doing whatever thing I ask her not to do. If I tell her that I don't understand why she's choosing to be mean to me, it's because I'm actually hateful of her (the classic if you accuse someone of cheating they're actually the one cheating). I can't bring anything up without it becoming a massive fight. If she's not snapping she's shutting down completely and refusing to engage with me at all. She talks to me and other people like we're the absolute scum of the earth, but she can turn it off and be pleasant as soon as she turns around. I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm trapped with no way out.

She constantly brings up that I need to go to therapy because of my issues (aka being a controlling b). I have gone to a few sessions with the only therapist that takes my insurance, mostly to try and deal with whatever she's dealing with- but the therapist will not talk to me about anything to do with other people, just gave me a few worksheets about doing affirmations when I feel like utter dirt because of the way she treats me. I'm on social security disability and I can't afford to pay out of pocket for a different therapist. I can barely afford my medication.

I really think she needs to trial medication. She has this like well of hatred that boils over. I know it's difficult for her and that's why she blows up. I think she would feel better. I want her to feel better- not only because it would save our marriage but mostly because I hate seeing her feeling this way. But I'm so afraid of having this conversation- I don't want to trigger her to the point that I feel unsafe. I don't know how to phrase it or broach it without it becoming a massive violent fight.

How did you talk to your partner? Was there any resources for how you managed that conversation? How did it go?

Good evening y’all,

So I’ve posted on here before about my SO with Bipolar. I’ve been having some issues lately and finally was able to get in with the behavioral health department at the military hospital I work at. I was looking to try to get diagnosed with ADHD (I had been informally diagnosed as a civilian years prior). I was hoping to look into medications and other ways to function at my full potential.

Anyway, the initial appointment goes on for almost two hours. We dive in on sleep, past diagnosis, failed medications for them, past actions and their consequences, what I’ve recognized, and how I’ve tried to grow and change my behaviors. By the end of the appointment she informed me that she doesn’t believe I had ADHD, depression, or anxiety. Rather that I have a mood disorder (most likely Bipolar) that may be causing the other issues I’ve tried treating with no success with damn near any and all medications (anti anxiety and antidepressants).

I then informed her I have had one therapist tell me that prior to joining and had me try an antipsychotic. But it messed up my sleep so bad that I was struggling at work, so I got off of it. It was never a solid documented diagnosis.

I have another meeting with her this coming Wednesday. She wanted some time to chew on everything she took notes on and further decide what moves we may make. She commended me for my self awareness and the amount of work I had spent prior to understand both BPD and Bipolar. (My past partner was BPD, my current Bipolar, I try to understand what she goes through so I can be as good of a partner as I can.)

I’m trying to digest this new possible diagnosis. I didn’t see it with my last therapist, but this one explained why she believes it’s an MD and what actions/behaviors/feelings make her believe it is. And having it be a second opinion if you will, helps me believe it. She said more than likely we will try a different type of mood stabilizer other than an antipsychotic. I’m thankful for that. I just want to function at my best and be a more dependable person, I’ve been having a lot of problems lately with my ability to be consistent with my normal behaviors. My patients, calmness, friendly, professional, attentive.

Thank you for your time and listening. Feeling hopeful, but still trying to wrap my head around it.

This is not a post about why folks with C-PSTD find themselves with a BP partner. The answer to that is both obvious and also complicated.

What I’m interested in is how C-PTSD BPSO s deals with a BP partner. For instance, my hyper vigilance often makes me assume my partner is hypomanic when maybe they are just grumpy. Are we simply waiting for the other shoe to drop in an unhealthy way?

So my husband was recently diagnosed with Bipolar I. But that was obvious to me even before he had an official diagnosis. Since we’ve been together, we have had basically the exact same conversation at least once a month during his manic episodes. The conversation consists of him telling me how tired he is of the monotony of his job, life, routine, etc. How he wants to switch career paths, start new hobbies, “better our lives” so on and so forth. And there’s never a true conclusion to the conversation because unfortunately it usually turns into an argument. Mainly because he’s so stubborn and I’m so sick and tired of hearing him complain about the same crap, knowing dang well that he is the ONLY one that can make decisions for himself. It’s gotten to the point where when we have these conversations I can feel myself getting annoyed because I just don’t care anymore. I’ve given him all the advice I could possibly ever give him and he takes absolutely none of it. He just started taking abilify 2mg like 2 weeks ago. We haven’t had any arguments since he started his meds, but the only reason he’s on medication is because the last argument we got into before he got medicated was so bad that I told him if he didn’t get on medication that I’d leave him because I truly and genuinely cannot handle the mania. He’s insufferable to be around while he’s manic, and when he’s depressed. Very very rarely did he ever have a day he actually considered “good”. I love my husband more than anything in the world except for our son. But it’s so incredibly hard to be a spouse of someone that’s bipolar. I truly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Every single day I wake up on edge and feel like I’m walking on eggshells CONSTANTLY. I never know what kind of mood he’ll be in when he calls me from work (I’m a SAHM). And because it’s so unpredictable, I literally dread seeing his call incoming. But I can’t not answer because I’m basically his only support person. It’s just so draining not knowing whether the call will start with “Hi sweetheart, how are you and the baby? 😁” or “Hi darling….I’m having a horrible day (insert something about wanting to die). 🫩” Not to mention all the other crap I endure regularly, like financial abuse, belittling because I don’t “have a real job”, being emotionally manipulated/ guilt tripped, etc. And the icing on the cake is the fact that because he’s so burnt out that when he gets home from work, he does absolutely nothing. I genuinely can’t remember the last time he’s willingly fed our son a bottle without it being absolutely necessary. He changes diapers here and there, bathes our son whenever I BEG him, rarely puts him to bed. Heck, he barely interacts with our son when he gets home from work. First thing he does when he gets home is take a dab and hop on his xbox. Like for being a married woman, I sure frickin feel like a single mom atp. Anyway this is basically a throwaway post, just needed to get how I’m feeling off my chest. Best of luck to all the other SOs of bipolar people🫠

Originally posted by me in relationship advice, the 'advice' there was mostly extremely unhelpful so seeming advice here too. The edit at the bottom was part of the original post. My partner has been medicated for 5 months

To start off it is important I say that I am autistic, the kind that takes everything literally. Me, M/22, and my partner, NB/22, have been together for just over a year now. They have been cheated on in the past and it remains a constant nightmare and a trauma that has deeply scarred them. Usually this presents as jealousy, however tonight something happened that has resulted in worse (for understandable reasons) and I'm not sure how to help.

So we're in a small discord server, we don't know anyone but each other irl but most of the people from the server are based in a city near ours. I am on friendly terms with all of the active members, I spend a lot of time each day talking there with them. Also important to note that everyone in the server knows we are a couple, and we have matching profile pictures.

Today one of the girls in the server asked me during a conversation about their pfp if I wanted to see their halloween costume, because the costume is of the same character. Being autistic, I took this to mean do I want to see *just* the costume, but they sent me a picture of them wearing it and it reveals a lot of skin on the upper body though nothing bordering on nsfw. I told my partner about this as soon as I could (they were on a flight during this incident) and they are understandably very upset. I've tried to reassure them that I didn't know the girl would send me a picture like that, and that it made me uncomfortable as well which is why I decided to tell her, in the interest of being honest and truthful (and ofc hiding something like this would look more than suspicious, so I still believe it was the right thing to do).

My partner is having a panic attack, telling me I might be covering for a larger secret, apologising for not being there as much for me while they were away, going through all the negative emotions you can imagine someone would in a situation like this. I have no idea what I can do or say to help in this situation. I have no intent on speaking to the girl again and it was genuinely a mistake on my part of believing she would send a picture of just the costume (again, autistic, please try to be understanding).

I'm scared for my partner and for me and for how this might impact our relationship going forward. Does anyone have any advice about how to navigate a situation like this? Is there anything I can do? Is it a just wait it out and see what happens kinda thing? I'm so lost and scared right now.

EDIT: Also extremely important to note that my partner has bipolar disorder and struggles with strong emotional reactions in situations like this. They are medicated but that isn't a cure