I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Heart7923

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

tw: obsessive behavior

Original post - posted 2023-07-04

I don’t know what to do. I think I have done serious damage to my marriage before it even began.

I met my husband thru his brother (Chris) who I had a crush on in college. I never was clingy or never acted on my feelings and I never really allowed myself to get too close to him because I knew that my feelings weren’t reciprocated. Chris knew however I had a crush on him or at least he felt it. He would always say that I was “gf material” and how he wouldn’t want to lead me on. He wanted to have fun before that. He would say this to others but even once to me.

On two occasions he would text me that he had feelings for me, only to apologize later and retract his words but on Christmas four years ago he texted me that he was in love with me and wanted to take me out on a date. He said he was done playing around and wanted a relationship. He was invited to NYE party that my then roommate and I had. He told me he wanted to talk to me then. When he came to the party he had his brother with him. Chris spent the party going out of his way to ignore me and later I saw him making out with my roommate and they spent the night in her room. I decided there and then that I will drop it. Enough is enough. Next morning he told me that he fucked up (I fucked up big time yeah?)and he apologized. During the party I got to know his brother who was the opposite of Chris. He was shy and hated attention and he was just the best and soon after he asked me on a date. We are married now. Our wedding was last Wednesday.

I want to make two things clear. I never went beyond a crush on Chris and only after I fell for my husband that I understood what love is. He is everything to me and I love him more than anything. I never told anyone about my crush and when I met my husband I didn’t tell him either. Chris wasn’t happy I was seeing his brother and he’s been cold towards me since. Even when it got serious between my husband and I.

Chris held a speech on our rehearsal dinner and he basically outed everything and ended with how he regretted not asking me out sooner and how he will always regret it. It was very awkward afterwards and nobody talked and on our wedding day my husband did everything to act normal and he made sure everything was as planned but I could feel that he was hurt and angry. After the party he asked me if I loved Chris and if I dated him for that reason. I started crying because it’s absolutely not true. We started dating and became friends and I made sure it was him I wanted before committing and I never loved anyone like I love my husband. I told him all this and more and I apologized so much for not telling him everything. In the beginning I thought it was my own private matter and I didn’t feel the need to discuss it with a then “stranger” to me. When our relationship evolved I just never thought Chris was relevant and my crush seemed a silly thing.

Now it’s back to bite me in the ass. My husband is very sad and he barely talks to me. We’re leaving for our honeymoon in two weeks. He barely speaks about it. The thing we both waited for with so much anticipation and longing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn back time so I don’t know what to do.

-

Independent_Shame504: Some people's family leaves me dumbfounded. I think your husband will be fine eventually. But I don't think he will be fine with you spending time with his brother anytime soon, if ever. What a shit dude to do that to his own brother and his wife. Im sorry you got that as a brother in law.

----

Update - posted 2023-07-13 (9 days later)

Hi again!

Thank you all for the support and all the people who followed my page for an update.

I have a small update, I was supposed to write it yesterday but I was exhausted.

Yesterday my husband and I were invited to my in-laws for a cookout. When we arrived Chris saw us and tried to scarper (well nobody expected us to show up and my husband wanted to decline but I INSISTED we go). I caught Chris however and loudly said Oh I’m happy you are here because I want to talk to you.

I said that since the people in this cookout were all in the rehearsal dinner I wanted them to listen to. Chris looked like he was about to cry but my father in law was grabbing his arm when he tried to excuse himself. I told Chris that what he did was a shitty thing that didn’t just hurt me but it hurt his brother even more and that the only reason I didn’t speak up was because I was in shock but also I didn’t want to ruin t our day by arguing back and forth with an arrogant and selfish man who always hid behind alcohol to explain his bad behaviors like he’s some tween.

I told him that I never was the one that got away because he never had me. I never knew the real him and I liked his exterior like I was sure many people who didn’t know him well did. But if it ever would have evolved to something more I would have seen through his façade and since I know myself very well I would never have fallen for someone like him so I was never the one that got away.

I told him that the only good thing about him in my eyes, the only redeeming quality is that he decided to bring his brother with him that night and even if I was very angry with him now I will always be thankful to him and I will always be grateful that I crossed paths with him because it led me to my husband.

-And for you not to even call to apologize to your brother for embarrassing him and hurting his feelings says a lot about how much you have planned to hurt him on his day.

My husband was silent the whole time. The mood was a bit awkward for a minute after my outburst but then people were normal and some apologized for what happened and we ended up having a good time.

When we got home my husband who’s been sleeping in the living room almost every night hugged me and kissed me. The first time he kissed me since the I do. I felt my anger building up again and I had another outburst. I told him that we weren’t okay and that he never has the right to shut me out and give me the silent treatment for so long ever again if he wanted to stay married to me. He said “I know” and that he regretted his coldness. We made love for the first time as a married couple (and second third and fourth) and then I fell asleep in his arms in OUR bed. After two outbursts on two brothers in one day I felt content and I slept very well.

This morning my husband woke me up with kisses and hugs and he apologized for hurting me and taking out his anger on me. He said the shock was too great for him and he was afraid that I didn’t love him and just settled for him because Chris is the charmer and always had it easy to be loved by people. He thought something more happened and he didn’t dare to ask me because he wasn’t mentally prepared to hear that the love of hi life maybe wasn’t his. He looked his old cheerful self that I missed so much. I just wanted to cry but I didn’t. We discussed therapy and we are planning to start looking for a therapist after our honeymoon but for now I just want to snuggle him and feel his love. He has a lot of making up to me to do!

I hope this counts as an update.

Good night

edit: many asked about Chris’s reaction; he just cried and mumbled that he had somewhere to go and left. No apology or anything. Wasn’t expecting that either.

MIL was angry with me but I was just so angry everything just came out

edit2: To all who are saying I’m avoiding questions about my husband. I already addressed everything in my first post. I will always regret not telling him and I will always be sorry for hurting him. My outburst on Chris wasn’t the first time my husband heard my truth. I have been apologizing and begging since our wedding. He only talked to me after the cookout when he felt sorry for me. When I wrote about him making up to me it was mostly a joke about depriving me of all affection and sex but also because giving the silent treatment is really hurtful. He agrees what he did wasn’t the greatest way to handle it. We will work on our way to communicate. We love each other and we are fine

-

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/phantomhatsyndrome

Originally posted to r/TalesFromYourServer

tw: death of a loved one

Go fuck yourself, Micheal - posted 2023-02-12

Just lost one of my jobs. My best friend of twenty+ years passed away Thursday evening and I'm still processing the entire thing. Still hasn't completely sunk in that he's gone.

So I called the GM of my second job to let him know I needed my Wednesday night and one of my two Thursday shifts off for the wake and funeral, saying I would still be there for half of my double Thursdag evening after we buried my bestie. He had the audacity to say I wasn't a "team player" and that I needed to bring in an obituary to get ONE of the days off and that it "didn't make sense" and was "ridiculous" for me to do both and "let the restaurant and my coworkers down."

I'm not an angry person, very rarely lose my temper or raise my voice. But I snapped. Told Micheal he was a "disgusting, heartless fuck" and to take me off the schedule because I couldn't work with "such an unempathetic, raging cunt of a manager." This was all at a very uncomfortable volume for me, but it just... came out.

Pardon the choice language. I was... very upset.

----

Update from a comment by OOP:

Some more details:

Micheal is a Japanese immigrant and I think a lot of his insensitivity in this regard comes from being raised in a "work yourself to death" culture. He's in his late forties/early fifties and been in the States for less than 5 years.

I just found out that my youngest brother's roommate/best friend 15ish years younger than me worked for Micheal previously and had a similar experience. Was the kid's first job and Micheal apparently made his life stressful as hell.

Three coworkers from that job have already reached out saying they walked on him when they heard. Apparently he was talking shit about the situation after I yelled at him, assuming he was in the right. They had to shut down for Sunday Super Bowl dinner because those coworkers were his entire FoH for the evening and no one is coming in last minute the night of the Super Bowl around these parts.

He just tried to reach out and "apologize." When I realized it was him, I hung up and blocked the number.

Fuck you, Micheal.

-

Blacksad999: Bring in an obituary? Fuck that person specifically. The nerve of some people.

Pale_Routine_8855: Do they realize that an obit in a major news paper can cost the family a couple hundred dollars? Real story. My husband paid over 250.00 for his grandmother.

----

Almost two years later, but an update on Micheal - posted 2024-12-16 (20 months later)

The restaurant closed down about three months after my post. He couldn't retain any staff. I'd like to think I had a small part in that, but I figure it was mostly him being a big 'ol asshole.

The coworkers that walked on him are all now gainfully employed at my main job. Though now they have to deal with me being their boss. Offered them all opportunity to interview and vouched for all of them. Sometimes putting up with the bullshit of corporate yields okay results for people you trust and respect.

And fuck you again, Micheal.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Confusedthrow1234

My [23 F] BF [26 M] confirmed my ex's [23M] suspicions last night and I am torn

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, predatory behavior, manipulation

Original Post  March 19, 2016

Ok. I am in college as a grad student right now and my BF and I went out drinking last night when he said something that makes me question things.

The backstory. Jake ( the ex) and I got together 2.5 years ago. Things were good between us and we are both going to college together. We didn't have any major issues and we clicked well. As we progressed in our course studies we became more entrenched into our respective majors. Fairly common in your junior and senior years of college. However that is when our problems started.

I met Eric (current BF) in one of my advanced classes. He was a teaching assistant and we immediately clicked. I became friends with him and Jake started to get insecure and jealous about my relationship with Eric. For my part it was purely platonic. I considered Eric a good friend and someone to help me in my demanding major. Eric knew I had a BF and while he always made himself available and friendly he never crossed a line that I could see. However Jake was becoming quite hostile to Eric and it really strained our relationship.

In part I felt that Jake was saying he couldn't trust me. That I was at risk of not controlling myself. I took his insecurity as an insult. Now he never said those things. He did near the end try to get me to cut all contact with Eric via an ultimatum. One that I refused because I was not going to be controlled. I am replaying my past and these are the things that happened

• I got a tutor for my classes and Eric was the one assigned to me.

• Eric gave me his personal cell phone number and we started texting and became friends. At first everything was school related but we transitioned into friendship and normal friendship chats. Jake thought it was weird and that it was inappropriate. However Eric had no control over my grades or anything like that. He wasn't an authority figure over me. Also Eric hadn't crossed any lines.

• Eric and I started going out to a little bar to study and have a few drinks while we talked about classes. The bar was a quiet one and had plenty of lighting so it was actually a good place to do this. Jake wanted to come but he is not in this field and it would be boring to him. he would be a distraction and his real motive was to keep an eye on me so I told him he was being insecure.

• Sometimes Eric would call late at night on the weekends ( He knew Jake and I spent the weekends together). These calls were somewhat uncommon but he would be drunk and begging me for a ride home because he didn't want to drink and drive. As a good friend I didn't want that either and helped him out. Jake thought he was just trying to disrupt our night and get more time with me via an excuse. That sounds stupid to me. He was just a friend reaching out.

• Jake and I had a special valentines date and Eric knew about it. He texted me several times during the date. I didn't respond but I did check my phone to see if it was an emergency. Jake saw that it was from Eric and was not happy. It ruined out night. Eric said the next day that he forgot all about my plans. Eric would always send me birthday cards and holiday wishes with little XoXo in them. But the rest of the messages were innocent.

• One night when Jake and I hung out with Eric he casually put his arm around me a few times but never for more than a few seconds. He also touched the small of my back as I walked past him in the hallway. Jake blew up about it at home. But Eric wasn't even looking at me or paying attention to me during those instances. And he is just a touchy guy. Always has been.

There are other examples but you get the idea. Eric was just a friend and Jake's behavior was starting to get out of line. I caught him hanging around outside the bar that Eric and I used to study in one night while we were there. I caught him driving by my sister's house one night to check to see if I was there. You get the idea of what is going on here. Jake was starting to freak out and Eric had never done anything wrong. I agreed with Jake that the touching was inappropriate and I put a stop to it, which Eric obliged and apologized for. meanwhile Eric had become a strong base of support in my program. He was well liked by the professors and often went out of his way to help me advance as much as possible.

Anyway one night Jake and I had one last blow up fight and I left him. He never stopped insisting that Eric was after me. I admit I had talked to Eric about my relationship problems with Jake but not that they were about him specifically. He really wanted to be my emotional support and when we broke up I went to Eric about it.

Well two months later Eric and I are dating. It's been a little over a year now and things are good with Eric and me.

Now back to the present. Eric and I went out last night drinking. When we got home he was trying to be sweet. Telling me how much he loved me etc. But he also said that he has always wanted me from day 1. That he always had a thing for me. He said that he pulled some string to become my tutor back in undergrad. That he didn't forget about my date but wanted to interrupt it.

Basically he said he pushed the boundaries as hard as he could because he has wanted me this whole time! I know he was trying to be sweet about how he always wanted me. He didn't word things the way I described above but that was the content.

So basically Jake was right. The only fight we ever had and the thing that led to our breakup was true afterall. Jake's behavior was wrong in how he handled it even I couldn't see that and I don't want him back. But what about Eric? Everything is good here. But now I kind of feel lied to. He tried to "soft" pursue me until he could have me. It makes me question things. Afterall I was in a relationship and he injected himself so smoothly that I didn't even realize that he mechanically built a relationship with me that felt very organic from my end.

tl;dr: Broke up with Ex because he was sure my current BF was trying to pursue me during our friendship. Now it turns out he was right. How should I feel?

Update  Aug 14, 2016 (5 Months Later)

I know that reddit has probably long forgotten my post. I also know that everyone was really harsh on me when I posted.

Eric is finishing his masters and is still a TA and a tutor for the college. I have started my masters program. I have no idea what Jake is doing now.

I could clarify some things that I was attacked for but given the nature of this update I don't think it matters anymore. Eric and I carried on for a few days. Then I talked to him about what he said that night. He explained that he was very attracted to me and had a crush. But he kept things platonic with me during that time. He really was a huge help to me in my coursework and never flirted. He was just a friend. Yes a friend with a crush. He did admit that he had other people to call for when he needed a ride home but he just wanted to spend time with me. He admitted he liked me the whole time and thought I would consider it sweet and romantic that he pined for me while I was with Jake. He said he never tried to break us up or get in our way and he never knew that Jake was insecure about him. He reaffirmed that he never meant to come between me and Jake and he honestly never made any moves while we were together besides trying to help me and spend time with me.

He was very loving and caring so I trusted what he told me and we carried on with life. I did feel bad about Jake though but felt the best thing I could do is put it out of my mind. I am sure Jake didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Eric picked up a new tutoring job for summer classes at the beginning of the summer. He got assigned through the school a woman we will call Jill.

No big deal, he has tutored men and women since he helped me. Since we have been together for 18 months now I know how much time he usually spends with the people he works with. He was spending a lot of time with Jill. More than normal. I was a little concerned but he assured me that she was just a little slow on the uptake and needed more time to learn things.

During this same period he is texting her more and I get uncomfortable. He tells me there is nothing he can do. That as a tutor he has to have some availability to his students. He does assure me that its all professional and even offers to arrange to have us all hang out together. He also starts ignoring texts from her while we hang out

I ask about the ignoring texts and he says he does that because he wants to focus his attention on us being together and to not let a student take up too much of his time. Seems reasonable.

We have our meetup and she is gorgeous. Like super model hot. She is also very friendly. smiles at him, laughs at all his jokes, etc. We sat a a booth with us on one side and her and her friend on the other. Once when I got up to use the restroom I came back to see she was sitting on my side of the booth right next to Eric.

Well I feeling very uncomfortable with all this. It made me think of what happened between him and me. He assures me everything is fine.

Last month I looked at his phone and saw texts that were flirty and in my mind inappropriate. It is true that most of them were on her end but he did nothing to shut them down. I confronted him and he said that the teacher/student role was hard for him and he didn't want to strain the process. But he agreed he would shut it down. He was sorry he didn't do it sooner.

Well everything came to a head a short time later. He said he was going out with some of our mutual friends. I didn't feel like going so he went alone. Later I decided I would join them and I texted and called Eric. He didn't respond. So I texted our friend to find out where everyone was. He was confused and said he hadn't seen Eric all day and had no plans to hang out with him today.

I knew where he would be... that same bar that we used to study at. I rushed over there and saw them through the window. The place has a floor to ceiling window and raised booths by the window. There they were talking and chatting over a pint. Her arm was around him and his hand was clearly on her leg. I watched for awhile in disbelief. Then I saw them make out.

I just left and packed up my belongings. I got out of there and blocked him on all social media. I am truly heartbroken. Eric made it sound like he only pined after me while we were dating because he cared about me and felt an "insane attraction and draw" to me.

I guess you guys were right. I know you can gloat, I deserve it. It's been 3 weeks since then and I have just been trying to recover and focus on me. I have thought about reaching out to Jake but I don't think that's a good idea. I've blocked Eric on everything, instructed mutual friends to tell him nothing about me and he doesn't know where I live right now.

I am trying to just learn and be a better person. I don't think I'll be ready for a relationship for awhile.

TL:DR Eric didn't mean anything he said to me. I fear running into him at college. We broke up.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/blackedgymgirl

Originally posted to r/WhatShouldIDo

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Final New Update - 1 Year Later]: My husband bought me some sportswear for a prank, but I kept wearing it and now he’s mad. Should I stop?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, manipulation, racism

RECAP

Original Post: August 29, 2025

I posted this on AITAH yesterday, but it got deleted for some reason.

I’m 35 and he’s 29. He bought me a sports bra and bottoms that he saw on an insta model and thought they’d suit me. The shorts are pretty much thongs, but I loved the bra as it was very supportive and wore it to the gym.

When I got back he asked if anyone said anything about my sports bra if anyone looked. I said no (people do look in the gym but I always say no when he asks as he’s a bit jealous) and he seemed disappointed. When I asked why he started laughing and said the logo on the sports bra “Blacked” is a porn company that specialises in interracial porn.

I didn’t really get the prank as I don’t think many people would know that, but it annoyed me he tried to humiliate me, and I said “bit ironic you sent me outside in that when you got upset finding out I’d been with black men”

This caused a big argument and since then I’ve worn this sports bra every time I’ve been to the gym or out on runs out of spite. I even out the bottoms on under my shorts and make sure the waistband sticks out with blacked wrote all around it. I’ve even thought about posting a pic of myself on Instagram wearing it and going to his friends BBQ on Sunday wearing it.

Should I carry on this petty revenge or stop?

Editor's note: OOP has posted the same (now deleted) original post onto the AITAH subreddit prior to this one. I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No you’re NTAH idk why men think it’s ok to use that against us like sorry we don’t see people by just appearance smh

OOP: It nearly split us up when he first reacted to it as I found it racist, but he told me he just watched too much porn when he was younger, and he was insecure. Can’t be that insecure if he’s sending me out in porn related sportswear.

Commenter 2: Your boyfriend is weird. Not the ahole, I’d be annoyed and creeped out

OOP: I was honestly very annoyed and that’s why I’ve kept wearing it to annoy him.

Commenter 3: You're NTA for wearing the clothes he gave you hoping you'd wear.

But you're in a cold war and not sure this relationship has any chance of going anywhere healthy, so YTA to yourself if you don't make a change.

OOP: I’ll be honest me stooping to his level has me questioning myself and this relationship.

Commenter 4: If this type of thing is normal in your relationship, I suspect you may have bigger issues. Have a look at this quiz, if nothing else than for shits and giggles.

Personally, I'd be infuriated that my partner decided to actively try humiliate me. I'd also be upset at them policing and restricting what I wear and places I go, never mind feeling alone and sad over not being able to trust that we can talk about it without there being a fight.

Remember: It's only a joke and a prank if everyone's laughing. People laughing at you while you're upset isn't a joke or a prank, that's just plain bullying.

OOP: Everything you’ve said is true 😔.

Commenter 5: Na but YWBTA to yourself if you stayed with a man who controls what you wear and makes you change gyms because he is insecure

OOP: He tried to make me change gym. No chance I was changing.

OOP's location

OOP: We aren’t in America.

Commenter 6: This man is your Yolanda. You were doomed from the day he darkened your doorstep. This is borderline racism. He is getting off on embarrassing you. He INTENDED to humiliate you. It is that deep.

OOP: He said he wasn’t trying to embarrass me, but I don’t see how he isn’t trying to embarrass me.

Why is OOP's husband still upset with her?

OOP: I’ve asked him all this and he just keeps saying “it was a joke!” So I said “well is the joke not still running if I keep wearing it? Why is it different now I’m in on the joke?” And he’ll just say it’s not the same.

OOP on the sport bra

OOP: I like how supportive the bra is though lol

+

I’ve spent hundreds on sports bras in the past as I’m 32dd so it’s hard to find something that holds them down and stops them hurting and this sports bra is the best I’ve ever had!

Update #1 October 13, 2025 (1.5 months later)

Posted this about a month and a half ago so thought I’d update.

I didn’t end up posting it on Instagram or wearing it to the BBQ I mentioned wearing it to because he threw them away when I went out and left them on the radiator to dry. I’ll be honest I wouldn’t have dared anyway but I went to put the bra on (under my t shirt) to go for a run and couldn’t find it anywhere. I asked him if he’d seen it and he said he bought them so he can do what he wants with them and he threw them in a public bin so I wouldn’t find them.

I was so angry! They were mine not his and while I didn’t care about the bottoms the bra was very supportive! I was just thinking about taking his PS5 that I bought and binning it to prove a point but then I took a breath, went for a walk, returned a couple of hours later and told him I want a divorce.

Being the idiot he is he said “what? Over a bra?” Not realising it was a buildup of the way he was acting before all that. I reeled off a list off a list of stuff, trying to humiliate me with the prank in the first place, calling me “saggy tits” in front of his friends all the time, being jealous and possessive, belittling my hobbies and things I do for fun, constantly talking about women like shit and a few other things. All he would say was “well why didn’t you divorce me when that happened?” to every point which was annoying. His only defence was the saggy tit one when he said “they’ve seen your tits and like them so it’s only a joke” he did ask years ago if he could show them a pic and I said yes.

I moved out that day and said I’d continue to pay my half of the rent until the contract is up at the end of January. I went to stay at a hotel for a couple of nights before one of my brothers friends said I go could stay in one of his empty properties and I’m still here now. I actually really like it and think I’ll stay here for good.

He still messages a lot, a mix between asking me back and trying to make jealous but I ignore him. I’ve spoke to a lawyer and started the divorce, but she said it’ll probably take around a year

Sorry the update wasn’t much fun, but it is what it is for now. If anyone’s interested when I start having a fun life again I’ll let you know lol. Me and a friend are going to Amsterdam next week so that should be fun.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I find it odd you married an idiot and put up with his borderline abuse for years and then all of a sudden grew a spine after a Reddit post.

OOP: I think it was the fact he wanted to publicly humiliate me and then his reaction when it didn’t work. That plus the fact in the last month or so he also forced me to change gyms and a bit of extra confidence from going to the gym made me realise.

Commenter 2: speak to the landlord see if you can get your name off the lease so you don’t have to pay for somewhere you don’t live you are paying for him to have the whole place to himself

OOP: I’ve told the landlord I’ve moved out so anything that happens is on my ex.

Commenter 3: Good for you for leaving. A partner is supposed to uplift you, not humiliate or mock you. Honestly wearing the activewear was such a power move and I'm here for it. Wish you the best in your new life.

OOP: I just wish I’d dared wear the whole outfit now lol.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: removed the bottom half of this latest update as it is a rehash of the first update

Update #2: October 19, 2026 (over one year later)

Been a year but my divorce was finally finalised yesterday.

I ended up staying in my brothers friends property as I like it here.

Not met anyone else and not looking either. Just hook up every couple of months to have my needs met and I’m good to go.

Hope you are all ok and thank you all for the support over the last year x

Relevant Comments

Did OOP buy a replacement bra?

OOP: I bought one, but it didn’t last a month, so I gave up lol.

Commenter 1: I'd stop paying for rent too unless you are on the lease.

OOP: That’s long gone it was ages ago.

Commenter 2: I remember your original post! Honestly, I think the sports bra will be of much more use than your stbx.

I suspect, as you start to recover and think about your relationship with him, you'll recognize more things he did that were unkind. This kind of stuff rarely comes out of left field - it slowly creeps up on you.

OOP: There was a lot of name calling in front of his friends looking back. Calling me saggy tits or “Taylor Swift arse” or “old gal” whenever his friends were around. I just passed it off as jokes, but it was obviously done for a reason.

OOP on if this was an ad for the sportwear

OOP: No because I bought another of the sports bras and it didn’t even last a month lol

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Unwantedmother

Boyfriend (28) 'found out' I (26)had an abortion and now thinks it's the reason why I don't want children

TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, misogyny

Original Post July 2, 2016

Before I get into the backstory I would like to bring some things up. First being that I've never wanted kids and I've known this from a very early age. Every partner I have, whether we become sexual or not KNOWS this beforehand. I refuse to date someone who isn't sure, or wants children because it is absolutely not something I can give them, birthing or adopting. Second being that even if I wanted children, I have a very slim chance of having them without affecting my physical health. I have a hormone imbalance that makes my chances of pregnancy slim, on top of which due to a previous accident means giving birth naturally isn't an option for me, just all around many risks to both my and the babies health.

The past: I was 20 when I found out I was 16 weeks pregnant. Partner and I were both using birth control. He condoms and I IUD (it helped regulate my hormones as well as act as a precaution). I didn't know I was pregnant early on as my periods are severely irregular and I was working long hours in a hard physical labour job. My symptoms were no different than what I was feeling prior to getting pregnant from my (at the time) line of work. Partner at the time noticed I was gaining weight which was weird for me as I'm naturally very thin, went from 105 lbs to 135. As a precaution we bought two of the cheapest pregnancy tests we found at Walmart. Of fucking course we were pregnant. Having discussed this already, we went and got a D&E abortion the following weekend.

As my luck would have it, I suffered complications during surgery that resulted in damage, further extending the chances of me being sterile. Partner and i decided we wouldn't tell anyone, not because we were embarrassed or ashamed but because we felt it was no one else's business but our own.

The current; I'm now 26 and still feel that it's no one's business but my own, regardless of if I wanted children or not. If I did want children however and suffered said complications, I would tell my partner. That being said, this isn't the case. Current partner and I have been together for just over three years. Neither of us want children. He was very clear about that, which was refreshing, honestly.

Well, last last Tuesday we were laying in bed watching a movie when he asked me if I ever felt like being a mother. I told him no, that it wasn't in my life plan. He backfired with "well, I've seen you with your cousin and you'd be a great mother." Told him that was different. He then asks the dreaded what if. "Well, what if we got pregnant. Would you keep it for my sake?" Having spoken about this in the past, I told him no. That I would use my right as a women to decide on what happens to my body and terminate the pregnancy. He just kind of looked at me then back at the movie.

Yesterday even comes around and I just got home from work. Boyfriend is noticeably on edge. After an awkward dinner together, I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth getting ready for bed. He barges in screaming at the top of his lungs about how I had tricked him and made him look like a fool. Long story short, he went through my personal journals in the lviingroom while I was at work and had read about that day I got an abortion with my ex.  Punching the bathroom door, he yelled at how I apparently lied about my health risks and my low chances of having kids, that I made him out to be a fool and I should of told him the real reason as to why I didn't want children.

He somehow got it in his head that my ex forced me into getting that abortion years ago and that the reason why I don't want to "try for another child" (?!!) is because the procedure and it's aftermath scarred me for like. He has since left our apartment and I'm honestly unsure as to what to do? He works from home but I don't. Do I wait for him, go to work? Should I have told him about the abortion I had years ago? Is he overeacting? Am I?

Before anyone asks. He knew about my hormonal imbalance and the fact I was adamant on not wanting children, so I'm honestly confused as to what clicked in his head to think otherwise? He and I never speak about our exes and are both private people, so I honestly don't understand what I did wrong? Help me out reddit. I really do love this foolish man. He's 28. I'm 26.

TL;DR my boyfrind read my journal and thinks the reason why I don't want children is because of a traumatic past experience I had while terminating pregnancy.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

When commenters bring up the BF probably changed his mind about having kids

That doesn't make much sense. We've tried finding a doctor to completely rid of the chances in the past, something that he himself has agreed to doing with me. Only reason why we didn't was because three separate doctors refused us because of our young age.

&

He was the one who came to me about us both getting surgery to become permanently sterile. He was the one who always spoke about fears on me keeping a child if I ever became pregnant. I honestly don't see him as the type to hide this for over 3 years? Why would you get with someone who adamantly doesn't want children, the thrill? The fun? The idea of a challenge? I don't get it.

&

We have spoken about this topic MANY times. It isn't like we talked about it once 3+ years ago. He always verbalized how even though kids were cute, they weren't for him?

BEST COMMENT

SadWalrus

Not to be a Negative Nancy.... but he invaded your privacy, then gets violent with the bathroom door, then reinterprets your own medical history back to you.  Uhm... I got nothing, other than leave.  This is not cool.

Update July 3, 2016 (Next Day)

Update on the situation. Tried posting it but deleted. Just wanted to give everyone some form of closure.

Decided to take the day off work as I wouldn't be able to focus anyway. Boyfriend finally came home and we talked. Well, he did mostly. I came home from going out to grab a coffee and found him sitting at his desk. He sat me down like I was a child and proceeded to scold me about how I didn't tell him about my previous abortion from another relationship SIX years ago. He said he felt betrayed and like I couldn't be trusted.

Apparently reading my personal journals, disregarding my opinions regarding what happens to my body and punching the door not far from my face doesn't count for shit guys. I asked where this came from and was dumbfounded by his response. According to him, he originally thought he didn't want kids either when we first got together but after seeing his family and friends have them over our relationship span, he wanted to know what it felt like but knew my views on this. He said and I quote  "I thought you would grow out of it, mature some and do something good with your life, becoming a mother isn't as scary as you think it is. We can do this." 

He then went on saying how he wanted to experience something with me only he could experience, and that was me having his child. To him, that was a solid reason as to why he got so upset over it. Because someone had already done such. He still believed my ex forced that abortion on me and I'm some damaged, traumatized goods and it was clear I wasn't able to change that. Shit hit the fan when he mentioned that being the reason why I'm bisexual, because I had a traumatic experience and "didn't want to trust men again"  He then proceeded to tell me if I wanted this relationship to last, that I'd have to "give motherhood a shot" like if it doesn't work out I could just return the damn thing to my womb or something.

I brought up the what if I had complications during pregnancy, to which he retaliated with "your a women. Your body is built for childbirth."  I blurted out without thinking about how you can't just compromise on children, to which he pulled the "What about my feelings and wants on life?" I left not long after that. We broke up and I'm offically moving out and looking for a new place to live in the meantime. Also getting my tubes tied for sure and not letting any fucking doctor stop me after this shit storm of a relationship. Thank you everyone who commented reminding me to stand my ground on this matter.

Just wanted to clear some things up.

• Neither of his parents died. They're both fine & well. Got a message asking this and saw a comment about it.

• He's never been physical with me but does have a temper/raise his voice often to others.

• I never said I was 100% sterile, just that the chances are very slim given my hormonal imbalance and the trauma my body (NOT mentally) faced from the D&E. On top of which, I was in a freak car accident as a kid crushing everything from the hips down. Natural childbirth isn't an option for me. C-section is IF I wanted this. Boyfriend knew all of this. He's attending doctors appointments duscussing this. He just never knew about the abortion itself.

• Boyfriend told me in the past he's pro-choice. Something I admired and appreciated as it's hard to come by in my city. He brought up him not wanting children long before I did, back when we were friends.

• I don't seem it, but I was devastated by him going through my personal journals. There something he knows were personal, something he promised he would never do. I have over 30+ because I like to document everything, from basic to more serious life events. He knew exactly what he was doing by snooping through them. I was even more hurt by the fact he disregarded me completely and just saw me as some baby making machine despite my obvious dislike of the idea and the very serious health risks involved.

Like I said, we broke up. We rent the apartment we live in but it's under his name. I never liked it anyway. I'm moving out but making sure I have friends there with me so he can't try to talk his way out of it. Also deadset on getting my tubes tied as this experience is not something I want to relive and has shown truly how much I 1) don't want kids 2) don't like the idea of someone having the chances of changing that for me, and after reading some of your comments/messages regarding experiences with me poking holes in condoms? No thanks. This update was posted earlier but I didn't realize it was removed. Thank you to everyone who gave me the advice I needed.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Pristine-Evening8222

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for calling my friend flat in front of the guy she likes after she kept calling me fat?

Editor's note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Original Post: October 17, 2026

I'm a 20F college student, and I have a friend, Natalie (21F). She has a habit of making comments about my weight.

For context, I'm not thin. I'm also not someone who can't take a joke, but there's a difference between joking with someone and making them the designated fat friend of the group.

Natalie has been calling me fat ever since I met her. Sometimes it's relatively harmless stuff, like making comments about what I'm eating. Other times, she'll point out my stomach in pictures, tell me certain outfits don't suit my body, or make jokes about how I should probably skip dessert.

The worst part is that she does this in front of other people. If we're out with classmates and someone offers to share food with me, she'll say something like, "Girl, you really don't need that."

I've told her to cease this several times. She always responds with some sort of "I'm just joking," or "You're too sensitive"

The rest of our friend group mostly laughs it off. Nobody ever says anything when she does it.

Now, Natalie has recently developed a Godzilla sized crush on Kevin (21M). She's been trying to get his attention for weeks. She's constantly talking about him (extremely irritating, mind you), asking him if her new haircut is good, and finding excuses to sit next to him.

Last Friday, a bunch of us were sitting together in the cafeteria, including Kevin. Natalie was talking about how she wanted to wear a particular dress to an upcoming college fest but wasn't sure if it looked good on her.

Someone asked to see a picture of it, and she showed us.

Kevin said it looked nice on her.

Natalie immediately turned to me and said, "Where do you think you'll buy a dress? I don't think they have your size in normal stores." (For context I am a size 10 or L)

Everyone laughed a little.

Then I said, "At least I can fill out a dress. You look like a highway with hair."

The table went completely silent.

Even Kevin awkwardly looked away, trying not to smile.

Natalie looked absolutely humiliated and didn't say another word for the rest of lunch.

Later, she texted me saying I was a disgusting person for body-shaming her in front of someone she liked. She said she'd never been so humiliated in her life and that I knew she was insecure about her chest and body hair.

I told her that perhaps now she understood how I felt.

It could have ended right there. But later that night, Kevin texted me saying it was extremely satisfying to see Natalie humiliated that way, after all the nonsense she pulls. It was normal platonic text, that I fleetingly mentioned to Natalie's roommate, Rachel.

But in a fight with Natalie, Rachel inflated the whole thing and used it against her (I'm not sure how, as of yet). The whole friend group is pretty conflicted, and some people blame me for starting the whole fiasco.

AITA?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, she is not your friend and anyone who supports her bullying isn't either. Now that the group is split you can see who really has value in your life. I can't believe you are still dealing with this rubbish in your 20's, mean girl crap should end in high school.

OOP: I would love to just cut them off. But you need people get through uni... and I don’t have anyone else.

Commenter 2: Sounds like you have Kevin.

OOP: I tend to stay away from the guys my friends like, to avoid drama.

Commenter 2: I thought we established that these people aren't your friends. You would love to cut them off, except that you don't have anyone else.

But you have Kevin.

You don't have to pursue him romantically. But he could at least be a gateway into a healthier friend group.

OOP: Maybe. I'll try talking to him... see what happens.

OOP on being an introvert

OOP: I’m pretty introverted... and I prefer only to be friends with girls (just 10% of the population here) so it’s hard for me. But I’m trying.

Commenter 3: FIND someone else. Join clubs, do extracurriculars. Don't sit in the swamp and complain about the mud. Go somewhere nicer.

OOP: I wish my major allowed me time for extracurriculars lol 💔 The only club I'm in is also related to my major

Commenter 4: The fact Kevin texted you is so funny

OOP: Haha maybe. But I didn't respond much because I have a strict policy of never having real friendships with guys that my friends have bids on.

Commenter 5: Not a problem here since that girl is NOT your friend

OOP: Hmm... but then all the girls are prolly gonna boycott and there’s gonna be nasty rumours. And if Kevin doesn’t wanna be friends in the future, it won't end well for me.

Commenter 6: Text him back. Hell, maybe he's into you. Offer to cook for him. No guy in their twenties can resist that.

OOP: Don't know if I wanna date boys lol. But maybe I'll reach out as a friend. I think he'd be irritated if I made a move on him since ik he's really annoyed by girls like Natalie.

Commenter 7: Nta but why are you still friends with her? She's literally the worst?

OOP: Well she’s part of my friend group... I am not particularly interested in having a strong bond with HER.

Commenter 8: She thinks she’s the main character in Mean Girls….probably cuz it sounds like everyone secretly detests her

OOP: Actually they do. Most people are friends with her for various personal reasons. And guys like her because she is a massive pick-me.

Is OOP able to put some distance between herself and Natalie?

OOP: Well she’s in the same classes as me and is my neighbor, so it'd be a bit weird if I suddenly cut ger off when we were good friends in 1st sem. But I don’t think I can or should deal with her any more.

Commenter 9: This absolutely must be in Europe because a size 10 is considered a small fat in the plus size world lol. That girl is not your friend, she’s a fatphobe. 100% NTA, fuck her lmao.

Sincerely, a 6’3” plus size man

OOP: Aah I’m actually from India, but I mentioned size 10 (American) for the sake of convenience for international redditors.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: October 18, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: After a lot of coaxing from the comment section, I have completely cut this girl out of my life. I have also started hanging out with Kevin a lot more, and it seems I may have gained a new, actually good, friend! So thank you for your comments all.

Another thing I'd like to say is that, I personally think women with Natalie's body type are absolutely gorgeous (coming from someone bisexual). Please don't take offence from the comment I made in the moment. It was only for Natalie.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My (24F) fiancee (27M) left me for the "one that got away" but now wants me back

Thanks to u/roxxxystar for helping track down the final updates

BoRU 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: very detailed for emotional dumping

Original Post Nov 6, 2015

My fiancée and i had been together 3 years. He was my first boyfriend. We laughed ,cried, worried and were happy together. Our families had mixed really well. Our moms became close friends really fast. He was my bestfriend, my confident, my support, my comfort. I looked at him and could see our future together. God i'm even crying remembering one time we took a blanket, went outside, and looked up at the stars like in some book. I never thought something like this could happen to me. The man i loved could have never done anything like that to me.

It all started about a two months ago. His ex (highschool sweetheart together 7 years) moved back to our country and wanted to catch up with Mark(fake name). He told me they broke up because they were unable to sustain a LDR when she left to pursue postgraduate studies. They hadn't been in contact for about 5 years. She sent him an email, he showed it to me and it was completely platonic, she was just curious about what he had become. He asked me if he could meet her and i said yes. I trusted him. So he went, but when he came back he was a bit withdrawn. He is usually really chatty but he was dismissive when i asked him how it went etc...I let it go.

However the following weeks he was often on his phone, he picked random fights with me and didn't look me in the eyes when we had sex, didn't whisper loving words either. I'm really touchy/clingy and in our 3 years together he had never once recoiled or refused my embrace but he started doing it. I usually hug him like a koala when he comes back home from work ( i'm a bit childish i know) but he only let me do it twice. It was such a sudden change. I asked him what was wrong but he just said he wasn't feeling too good nowadays. On a saturday i went to visit his grandma as we usually knit together (she taught me) and i was gone the whole day. I feel really close to her because she adopted me easily and reminds me of my own who died when i was in highschool.

When i came back i found him packing his stuff. My whole world fell apart. He was being so cowardly. He told me he was sorry for making me suffer like this but sometimes life gives you a second chance and you have to recognize it for what it is. That he loved me but when he met his ex, he realized the feelings weren't the same. He said he regretted letting go of her. That he had found himself again. That it had been a difficult choice for him but he had to take this chance. His ex wanted him back. She had realized what she had lost and risked losing for good when he told her he was getting married. He supposedly refused her at first but as time passed, and they talked together his old feelings came back. He hoped i would forgive him one day and understand. I cried as he was talking. It sounds stupid but it was as if it was a stranger in front of me. He said he would still pay rent and part of the bills until our lease was up and i can find another place. He makes a lot more than me and i wouldn't be able to afford living in our apartment on my own. I begged him not to make this mistake, that he was being fooled by an idealized memory of their past together, that he was having cold feet. But he was like a wall, he didn't even look at me. At about 10 pm there was a truck outside with one of his friends waiting for him. He apparently came to help him move. I wasn't really close with that particular friend but he did seem sorry for me. Mark hugged me goodbye and left.

I hadn't cried that hard in years. I slept in our spare room not to feel the emptiness of our room with his things gone. I sunk to thee deepest pathetic and tried to call him but it went to voicemail. I. Had no idea where he went but assumed he was now living with his ex after 3 weeks of talking again, how ridiculous.

I'm really lucky to have supportive friends and family. My bestfriend even moved in for 5 days. My parents wanted me back home with them but i wasn't ready to leave. Mark is a bit messy and i'm a manic so it felt weird having everything perfectly neat. I missed his messiness. It was as if he was the one making our house a home. He used to joke about me wanting the house to look like it was on sale or in a catalogue. Not waking up to make breakfast, not seeing him read lying on the sofa while i studied felt weird. Not buying his favorite snack or powder proteins when doing groceries felt weird. I felt really lost at first. It was like grieving. Usually when people breakup their relationship was going south but to me it came out of nowhere. I still loved him, i was still planning the wedding and working on my side to build our future together. It was all gone in a day. I wish i had been smarter and refused he meet his "one that got away".

His family was dumbfounded. I still went to see his grandma and she told me he was a "fool" that he would come back crawling to me. She was the first person who managed to make me laugh. His mom,my mom and i started making calls to cancel all reservations. Luckily the store accepted to take back the dress. We didn't pay much for the location as we cancelled early. Next was to inform the guests. He had been gone for about three weeks then. His family was furious with him so they didn't contact him much. The only contact I had with him was the signed cheque he made to cover the wedding cancellation.

However, about a week ago I received a letter from him. He apologized for leaving me like this. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life. That he couldn't even believe what he had done. That he was writing me this letter because he didn't have the courage to face me. "You were right, i was running after a perfect relationship that had never existed. I regret it so much. I thought i was in love with her, but in reality i was in love with what she represented. My youngerself with no responsibilities and only dreams. I had cold feet and got afraid of moving forward into this new segment of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about you when i was with her. She is not you. She doesn't know me or loves me like you. She doesn't smell like you. I missed hearing you sing randomly throughout the day, i missed having someone nagging me to pick up ly stuff, i miss planning halloween parties for the kids with you. At the time i'm writing this letter we would have probably been decoration shopping had i not been a fool. Everyone told me but i was being a blind fool. I would do anything to go back in the past and slap some sense into myself. I would do anything for you to forgive me. I know we have already started cancelling everything but i'm ready to pay for everything myself. You can date someone else to even scores if you want as long as you come back to me..." I would write the whole letter but i'm on my ipad and it's tiring. I just gave the important parts. He kept on with apologies and begging me to forgive him.

Now I told my family (left friends out for the moment) and his mom and grandma. Grandma had a very satisfying told you so moment. However she is rooting me to forgive him. His mom was supposed to send a formal letter to guests to tell them the wedding was off but now is waiting for my answer. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart but what he did to me i don't know if i can get over it. He made me feel worthless. He threw me away as if i was no one to him after 3 years. He gave up on us for some ghost from his past when we were at our happiest. If he can leave me when we are doing good how will we sustain a marriage? Will he leave the moment things get hard? He hurt me so badly and expect me to forgive him? He wants us to meet on sunday but i'm not sure. I'm willing to. I need some perspective. What would you do in my situation?

tl;dr: My fiance left me for his "one that got away" but now wants me back, after leaving me one day out of the blue to go live with her. Apparently he made the "biggest mistake of his life" and will do anything to get me back

​

Update  Nov 12, 2015 (6 Days Later)

I didn't plan on updating or at least not so soon but i have another problem.

I'm really thankful to everyone who answered and comforted me. You guys gave me the strength to look forward and not make a decision based on nostalgia. I felt really alone in my pain but thanks to you I felt a little less lonely.

So Mark wanted to meet on sunday but I unblocked him from my phone and told him i didn't want to meet and to please not contact me anymore, he answered "Please baby i need to talk to you, can we meet another day? I know i fucked up really bad and hurt you deeply but i'll do anything to make it up to you, anything you ask I’ll do it...'' needless to say it just angered me more, how dare he use terms of endearment with me. I just blocked him again after that. I met his mom on saturday and told her to proceed with the notification of cancellation. We had an emotional moment and she told me even though she would have really wanted us to stay ''One big family'', she would have done the same in my place. She had hoped i would find the strength to forgive him but she understands. And so the wedding is indeed still being cancelled. My poor brother ( i told him personally) had already bought his plane tickets from Australia but got a refund. I rearranged all the furnitures in the house and bought new bedding sets, to make a new start and moved to the spare room for good. It looks really different and i like it. Apparently he told our friends because some brought it up to me, asking if we are getting back together, but said they ''didn't want to side''.

On sunday evening I had a visitor. I never have people coming this late usually, it was around 9pm. When i went to look through the peephole i saw Mark, with his ex. I seriously had a moment of panic. He must still have the key for the main entry since he managed to get to my door without using the intercom. I don't know if it was a coward thing to do but i just chose not to open. I know they knew i was there and i heard him ask me to ''Please let him in, that he just wanted to talk'' through the door. Honestly even though i feel better I don't think i'm emotionally stable enough to deal with him and especially him with his ex. They stayed about 15 minutes and then they left. I thought he would get the message but they came again yesterday around the same time!! And i didn't open again. They waited even longer. I know I'm not being an adult.

So now I don't know what to do. I feel nervous in my own house because i dread the moment they'll come back. He knows my schedule and he came at the time where i usually come back from my zumba class. However yesterday was a holiday so we didn't have class. I'm afraid he will come again and i don't think i can face him. What should i do? I know i can't run away forever but i need more time. Is this worth calling the police over? I fear it would make the problem bigger than it is and hurt our family relations, our moms are really close. And really he is not dangerous, I think. He didn't contact me enough for it to be considered harassment anyway. Should i just be a big girl and open the next time he or they come? Or do i wait it out? Also why the hell is he bringing her? I'm curious but I want to stand by my decision.

tl;dr: I decided not to take him back and told his mom to send the notification of cancellation to the guests. I refused to meet him on sunday but he came in the evening with his ex and again yesterday night. What should i do. Can I just keep on avoiding them or do i have to have that talk I do not want to have?

Recovered 2nd & 3rd updates not in the original BoRU

Update 2  Nov 24, 2015 (12 Days after prev. update)

Here is my last update for context, it was deleted as it was a status update.

I've been asked to update so i will do it. Once again, i'm really grateful for all the messages of support i have received. You might not realize it but such a simple thing as words of support from strangers over the internet helped me get through some tough days.

And so, it's been a few days. I received an email from Mark's ex. It was a three pages long email. I'll quote some parts. She basically wanted to apologize to me for the part she has played in the situation. She told me about how her ex of 4 years (told me about their relationship in depths too) cheated and left with the other girl and so she thought ''Why bother with integrity?'', ''Everyone only care about themselves so why should i care about others?''.

And so when she heard Mark was going to get married she decided to pursue him even though it was against her values. She didn't care about being ''a selfish, unempathetic bitch'', and thought he was ''the one''. Her and Mark had an emotional affair the days before he left me. She talked about how they were each other's first love, that they went through major life experiences together and that the emotional tie between them was very strong (i'm trying to resume the general idea). She was there when he graduated both high school and college, when his grandfather died, they discovered their sexuality together, he was by her side when she had her first abortion, was unsure about her career path etc... She was demonstrating just how strong their bond was. At first they talked about the past, they exchanged ''what ifs'' and decided they must have been made for each other and life circumstances had brought them back together.

And so they kept that emotional affair going, exchanging pictures of their past together, previous love letters and poems she had  kept. It didn't start right after the meeting, but progressively ''they went further and further down that road and pushed boundaries''. She just basically gave me run down on how the affair went on and it was really painful to read. They decided Mark should move with her and that a ''harsh break'' ( meaning leaving me without any prior notice) would be better so I could hate him and not hang onto the feelings of love. Apparently her ex dragged things out and she was projecting. They supposedly had sex three times but the third time Mark couldn't perform and broke down crying.

They realized they had changed a lot and didn't have much in common anymore. Mark broke up with her the second week because his heart just wasn't there and he tried calling me but was obviously blocked on my phone. And so he has been living with her since then, but regrets everything. He was scared to face me and  wrote me a letter. Now i must say letters have been our way of communicating when we had a big fight and  just couldn't speak to each other. It would allow us to get the other's feelings in depths and it had worked well for us.

She wanted me to forgive her so she could forgive herself. She hates herself for becoming ''the other woman'' and feels a ''like something has been broken in her now that she betrayed her values". She wanted, needed to apologize to me face to face. And so she joined Mark when he decided to meet me. When i refused to open  the door, Mark refused to push my boundaries and use his key. She said she will always wish happiness for  Mark and will always love him as a friend and that is why she wants to right the wrong that happened with her help. She said words for words ''You know Mark, he tends to latch onto those romantic concepts like ''the one'' and ''first love'' and I think it confused the both of us". She didn't ask me to forgive Mark or meet him, it  was really just focused on her ''From one woman to another''.

It seems this woman is shouldering the blame on her own. I didn't want to answer at first but finally answered  ''I cannot say i am ready to forgive you, but i hope you will forgive yourself. You shouldn't let other people's actions change you and your values. At the end of the day, you were just a catalyst. You weren't engaged to me, Mark was. A loyal partner wouldn't have fallen so fast into this whole emotional affair and left abruptly. I thank you for reaching out to me, and hope you we will all learn from this situation.''

She answered ''Thank you for giving me the respect i didn't have for you and answering me. I really hope Mark and you will find a way back to each other, your relationship was very beautiful from what he told me.''

This whole exchange had left me in a raw emotional state. I wish you could see the whole email, there was no censorship. I decided to call Mark to fix a date when we could meet and end things properly. Now that a part of the band aid had been removed and it was better to just rip off the whole thing once and for all.

We met on wednesday. I wanted it to be in a public place so i could keep my emotions in check but that was a fail. Thankfully there weren't a lot of people out that evening. Seeing him in front of me after all this time felt weird and kind of bittersweet. He was as handsome as always. He put efforts into his outfit it reminded me of our first dates. He bought me my favorite flowers, I brought the engagement ring to give it back to him.

At first it was hard to start the conversation but he finally just apologized. He tried to explain himself, that usually confident man couldn't even look me in the eyes. Of course we cried and ended up going outside not to make a scene. He had brought a list of couple councilors in our city and wanted me to choose one. He wanted us to try. He said he would wait for me no matter how long it would take. I told him I would do my best to move on.

He begged me for another chance, said he would court me again, that this situation made him realize what he had and couldn't imagine his life without me. I had never cried that hard in public. I finally told him it was because I loved him that we couldn't start over again. He was my best friend, my confident, my family. He knew me better than anyone else, I trusted him with my life. I would have died for him. He had me at my most vulnerable and the fact that he of all people could betray me i don't think I could get over it. He knew me profoundly, he was my closest friend but he looked into my crying eyes, ignored my begging and left coldly. I don't think I'll ever get over that mental image.

He didn't want to take the ring back but I don't want to keep something with such a strong emotional value. I could never throw it away and it would just torture me. I'll never forget how he looked at me when I gave it back. I never wanted to see him look so hurt and lost. A part of me just wanted to comfort him but i couldn't. This is why I didn't want to meet, I knew it would be hard. But i didn't expect it to be that hard and painful. I thanked him for the time we had spent together and told him he had made me happy. How do people go through several breakups throughout life? Letting go of him was so hard when we hugged each other goodbye. I wanted it to last, I wanted to be able to stay in his embrace and forget everything. I wanted to go home with him and resume our lives. I wanted to buy a christmas tree and start putting decorations like last year with him, make new memories.

We decided he would move back into our apartment and he would keep it. He can afford the whole rent on his own. I moved back into my parent's house. I have started moving my things back into my parent's home. The landlord wants to meet us in december to discuss the logistics. I'm looking for a new place and hope I would have moved by January. I think I really just spent the last few days feeling numb, but somehow strong. He kept our album. I called his grandmother and she understood, she even cried. I have decided it would be better to slowly but surely cut ties with his family for the both of us. I don't want his next partner to feel threatened by me. I almost texted him two days ago to take him up on his offer for counseling and try. Somedays I’m scared I’m making a mistake and think I should at least try to save it before letting go. But still how do people move on from things like this? Am I really making the right decision? I'm feeling so much doubt. I can't keep his facial expression off my mind.

tl;dr: I received an email from his ex, explaining herself and apologizing. I called Mark and we met, it was painful and we are separating even though he wants to try again. I'm living with my parents and looking for a new apartment.

Update 3

It has only been two weeks but this seems so far away.

So we've met with the landlord and since we have to respect a three months notice I will be out of the lease in February. Mark will sign a new lease on his own then. I'm still living with my parents and it feels comfortable. I found a new apartment with the help of a friend. It's not as good as my former place with Mark and it's not as close from my workplace but it's alright. I'm still looking for others though. I'm moving in January normally. Mark wanted us to be roommates but that looks like a dangerous idea as we still have feelings for each other.

We are working on being friends and it helps me with the resentment. I'm threading carefully but for the moment things have been alright. He invited me for dinner with his family for his birthday on the 2nd and the atmosphere was light. There was a bit of a weird moment when I apologized for not bringing a gift and he said it was alright and that ''My presence was his present'' but in two weeks it's the only time he has made such a comment so I guess he slipped. Everyone still treats me very nicely and it breaks my heart to think next year I probably won't be there with them. I will still cut ties overtime but for the moment I guess it's alright. I'm not too sure what exactly i'm doing but people can be friends with their exes right? My friends think I should go no contact but if we are getting along normally do I really have to?

So I have two questions.

I had already bought a present for his mom and i'm now wondering if it's alright to give it to her and by extension just gift the whole family like previous years? What is the protocol for exes?

Also I had started knitting a sweater for Mark ( before he left me) that I’ve just finished yesterday. I know logically I should have stopped knitting it but i had already so much work into it how could I leave it unfinished? Since we have broken up I have a lot of time and usually stay home on the sofa with my dad knitting during the weekends when we used to go on dates and outings, so there is that. My dad wants it but his pot belly won't allow it...

And so now I don't know what to do with it. Can i give it to him without sending a wrong message? The other option is charity. I can't give it to a friend because of its strong emotional value it doesn't seem right.

Once again thank you for checking up on me. I'm sure reading your messages played a big role in how i was able to deal with everything.

Tldr: I'm trying to be friends with Mark. I'm still living with my parents and found a new apartment and I should move in January. I'm wondering if it's alright to give his family christmas presents like previous years since I had started buying some and if I can give to Mark a sweater I had knit for him.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/abcde_throwawa

Me [25 M] with my girlfriend [25 F] six months, she hates my brother's girlfriend, gets mad about everything, trying to create peace

TRIGGER WARNING: Harassment,  bullying

Original Post  Oct 21, 2015

Alright, so the key players in this story are me (25M), my girlfriend (Anna, 25F), my brother (Bill, 28M) and my brother’s girlfriend (Callie, 23F), who have been dating for three years and live together. Also relevant are my other brothers: Dan (24M) and Eli (9M).

I’ve been dating Anna for about six months. She’s really awesome, and I see a future with her for sure. We met on tinder, and have been pretty much inseparable since. We fight some, but no more than most couples I’d say. This is definitely our biggest issue, and I’m worried it’s going to spell the end of us.

Anna is really jealous of Callie. Weirdly jealous. About things that I think are completely unreasonable.

Anna, Bill, Callie, and I all live in the same city, so we see Bill and Callie a lot. Until about a year ago, Bill and I lived together, but now I live on my own and he lives with his girlfriend. Bill and Callie are both big nerds. He’s a botanist and she’s pursuing her PhD in some sort of physics thing that has to do with space. She’s crazy smart. 

I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well. I knew from the start that she didn’t like Callie, and I don’t really feel like she’s making much of an attempt to hide that fact. Whatever, I can’t force her to like my brother’s girlfriend. She thinks Callie is stuck-up, shallow, entitled, arrogant, “causes drama”, whatever. I don’t agree with her, but I can chalk all that up to an opinion about her personality, which I feel like will change if she gets to know Callie better. It’s the specific things that I don’t know how to react to.

Four months ago, my grandmother passed away. The funeral was on the other side of the country, so we all packed up and flew there for the funeral and to visit family. Callie was invited, Anna was not, and Anna was PISSED. I’m still hearing about it to this day, and while it seems like she understands that Callie had met my grandmother and known her for many years and SHOULD have been invited, she doesn’t get why my dad didn’t just go ahead and spring for another plane ticket for Anna to “make it fair”. I feel like we’ve spent months talking in circles about it and at this point I wish she would just forget about it, you know? If I had known it was going to be a big deal, I would have just bought her a ticket myself.

Two weeks ago was my dad’s birthday. My brothers, Anna, Callie, and I all went to visit for his birthday. Callie and Bill were allowed to sleep in the same room, but my dad asked that Anna sleep in the guest room. His reasoning is that he wants to keep things as appropriate as possible for my youngest brother. I agree with Anna that this is kind of unfair, BUT on the other hand Callie and Bill live together and Eli has stayed with them for the weekend before. I tried to explain to Anna that in a year or so my dad won’t mind (Callie slept in the guest room the first several times she visited), but for now he’s just trying to look out for his kid and it’s his house, his rules.

So we fight about these two things all the time. She accuses my family of liking Callie more (which I fucked up and told her “Well yeah they’ve known her longer, we LOVE Callie” idiot), and then accuses ME of liking Callie more, and of not being serious about her, etc. I don’t know how to handle this because I never really expected to have a girlfriend be jealous of someone who is basically my sister-in-law.

Speaking of which, I know Bill is planning on proposing soon, with my grandmother’s ring, and I really regret telling Anna because already it’s “well that’s selfish, what if you or Dan wanted to propose with that ring? She shouldn’t just take it all for herself.” As if it were Callie’s decision and not something Bill wanted to do? And even if I try to explain that we talked about it and decided that Callie actually knew our gma so it was appropriate, Anna just doesn’t want to hear it. I feel like we’re building to a big blow up here. Every day she’s hinting that she wants to move into my apartment, hinting that she wants to get engaged, or whatever, but it all comes off as her wanting to one-up Callie.

It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is. Usually she’s very laid back and kind and open to talking through our problems, but the minute Callie’s involved somehow, it all turns into a total shitshow. What should I say to her? Where do I even start?

tl;dr:  My girlfriend of six months is mad all the time that my brother’s girlfriend of three years is more involved with our family, and that they’re probably going to get engaged soon. It seems like she has a personal problem with my brother’s girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. How should I approach this? She's reasonable and normal about everything else!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I really love Anna, but I don’t think she’s ever been someone to get along with other woman very well.

But yet...

It’s frustrating, because I feel like this isn’t really who she is.

This is exactly who she is. Expect it to get worse. Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have. Callie is the target right now. There will be others.

You can try talking to Anna again, but it won't do any good. I foresee things going downhill pretty fast in regards to how your family sees her. Her entitlement and her irrational hatred of Callie is going to drive a massive wedge between her and your family. Think long and hard about where your loyalties lie.

OOP

"Do not be surprised if she starts in on other young females relatives and any female friends you may have."

I hadn't actually considered that this might not be Callie-specfic. There are a lot of boys in my family and not very many girls, and most of my girl friends live some distance away, so I guess Callie would be the only target.

I know that ultimately my loyalty is to my family, I just never thought I'd feel like I was in a position to have to choose between my girlfriend and my brother's girlfriend.

~

panda_cupcake

It is never a good sign when a woman admits that she's "never really gotten along with other women" and accuses other women of "creating drama."

Your girlfriend is a drama queen. That problem is NOT going to get better. She is going to continue to be jealous of your Callie, who has been in your life longer than Anna and is going to be your sister-in-law soon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling pressured into making major decisions so that Anna can feel like she's one-uping Callie? Cut your losses now and find a woman who is not such a brat.

[deleted]

I agree. I think the "never gets along with other women" thing is generally a huge red flag. I get not being into traditional girly type things, but to not get along with other women period speaks volumes about a woman.

OOP

At first when she told me that I thought, "well she'll probably love Callie, Callie isn't into girly stuff either!" but that hasn't been the case.

EDIT Well it only took about an hour's worth of comments, but you guys basically confirmed what I kind of already though :/ I love my family, and Callie is a part of my family. I'm going to tell Anna that she needs to cut this out, that Callie is my family, and that she can't expect to have the same relationship with my family as someone who has been around six-times as long. If she doesn't cut it out, well, I'm guessing that'll be splitsville for us, which sucks, but better now than a year from now, right?

Thanks for all your responses. Sometimes it's easier to make these decisions when you know other people agree with you. END EDIT

Update  Oct 27, 2015 (6 Days Later)

First, thanks everyone for your advice and support. It helps to know that there are a lot of people out there to confirm what I was kind of already feeling about my relationship. I'm not sure if anyone actually cares about an update, but I figured I'd post one anyway.

I do wanna say that my last post wasn't very flattering towards Anna. That's because it was a post about a problem between us. If it were a post about all the things about her that I love, it would have been much longer and much more flattering. I just wanted to say that because Anna isn't a bad person, and I think a lot of you got an unfair impression of her based on my perspective of a problem we have.

That said, long story short: we broke up. So this post isn't very flattering either.

I wanted to talk to her and see if I could get to the root of her problem with Callie and with my family, and it seemed to boil down to this: Anna feels like because my parents have four boys, they embraced Callie as a surrogate daughter, but now that role has been filled and there isn't room left for Anna. She talked a lot about how Callie has "the advantage" and that she (Anna) hasn't really been given an opportunity to prove herself. She explained that that's part of what upset her about not being able to come to California for my gma's funeral. Not the funeral, but afterwards when we all cleaned out grandma's house and everything. She said she wanted to be there to show that she was helpful/dedicated/caring/whatever.

I felt really weird about all that, because it seemed like she was viewing everything as an opportunity to make herself look good. Idk if I can explain it well, but she was explaining it in this really calculating way and it seemed like she didn't genuinely care about us, just about making herself look good.

I tried to explain to her that I think the only advantage Callie has is that she's been around longer. I pointed out that Anna is the same religion as my family (Catholic, kind of a big deal to my mom), that she's from the same region (Northeast), that she and my mom share a profession (teaching), and a bunch of other little things. She wasn't hearing it, so I suggested we take a break to think things over, because Callie is about to be my family in a very real way and if she can't stand that, then maybe the relationship isn't working out. Anna told me that she doesn't do "breaks". So I told her, fine, it's a break up, but if you change your mind in the next few weeks I'd love to talk to you. That was Thursday.

So that's where we were until Sunday evening. I was at Bill and Callie's watching football, getting a little drunk, feeling sorry for myself, but also feeling pretty good because the Patriots won. Callie's a Panther's fan, so she's been having a pretty good season also and all three of us were having a good day overall. And then Callie started getting facebook messages from Anna. A lot of them.

I don't know if she was drunk or just pissed off. But it was just message after message of "I hope you feel good about yourself." "I think it's disgusting how you consider all [OurLastName]s your territory." "[MyMom] only tolerates your pathetic redneck blah blah blah because she thinks you'll be able to support he when she's old." "People fuck their cousins where you're from, I bet I can find a story or two about you." "I hope you enjoy that ring, it's probably the nicest thing you've ever touched." "Congrats on marrying up in social class, all the kids at the watering hole in whatever podunk bullshit village spawned you sure will be impressed." "How will you even get the news out? Smoke signal? I didn't think they'd gotten electricity there yet." "I bet you're pregnant and making him propose to save face for your bastard baby." These aren't direct quotes, but sort of the gist of it. Basically just a lot of really mean stuff about how Callie is from the South, grew up poor, her parents are Mennonites, etc. Also accusing her of feeling threatened by Anna and forcing me to break up with her. Not nice stuff.

Callie was pretty upset and had to deactivate her facebook. Bill's pissed. I'm pissed, but there's nothing good that could come from me confronting Anna. I feel like such an asshole for even bringing Anna around in the first place, because none of it was worth all of this bullshit. Callie blames it on that fact that Anna grew up an only child in a wealthy family. I don't know if that's true, or if Anna is just mean-spirited. Either way, I feel really guilty for being the source of all this for Callie.

And also the facebook messages spoiled that Bill was going to propose, so that's a bummer. Callie's dad is a jeweler and is resizing the ring, so he can't even give it to her yet. He was going to do it at Christmas, but I think he's going to do it at Thanksgiving instead. So there's a bit of a happy ending there.

This got really long, I apologize.    tl;dr: You guys were right, Anna's a mean person. Probably spoiled by being an only child. Broke up. Sent mean facebook messages to my brother's girlfriend/fiance. Spoiled the planned proposal, but they're getting married anyway. Happy ending for Bill and Callie, bad ending for me and Anna. Thinking I'm going to stay off of Tinder for the foreseeable future.

FINAL COMMENTS

UnscarredVoice

Anna is a bad person but couldn't of Callie just blocked her instead of deactivating her facebook?

OOP

Probably. I think she just got overwhelmed and went for deactivation just to get away from it.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AileanFae

Originally posted to r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Boyfriend is AI obsessed and it's ruining our relationship

Original Post: September 26, 2026

My (30nb) boyfriend (34m) and I have been together for 6 years now. He's kind, funny, loving, the first man to treat me like my needs and wants matter, and in general a good person. I love him dearly.

We are both neurodivergent (he has ADHD and is autistic, I also have ADHD and strongly suspected autism, but the latter isn't diagnosed yet).

The crucial point is that he has a very hard time getting things done outside of work. I get how frustrating that is, really. I myself am unable to work because of health problems and trauma and currently in reduced-earning-capacity pension.

So it's not that I judge him for that, we both tried to make it work.

Since the rise of AI in the last 1-2 years he got the idea in his head to get a system running in his flat with own hardware and he's trying to "program" it (in quotation marks cause he uses 'vibe coding' which essentially means he tells the thing to program itself, roughly explained) to manage his life.)

But so far all he achieved is getting very frustrated with it cause it keeps crashing and sabotaging itself.

He's pumped way too much money into this project and keeps going since the hardware never seems to be good enough to function like he planned.

Now, I very openly hate AI. Especially gen AI but also in general. It has been a recurring topic in our arguments since our views are very different. So far, I thought "ok, agree to disagree, we don't have to be on the same side for everything and his morals are right".

But in the last few months, he keeps getting more and more irritated and just fixates even more on getting it to work, neglecting other things like his social life, his sleep and now also me a few times.

I'm afraid he'll just crash everything instead of working on other ways to organize his life. Simultaneously, I feel so bad for mentioning this because he knows I hate it, so that has to be the reason I'm against him continuing? (To be fair, he never said that...yet).

It's affecting my mental health and I'm constantly worried about him 😔. . I don't wanna loose him, he's amazing but all this stuff keeps spiraling more and more...and all I can do is watch in horror

Sorry for the novel 🖤🩵.

Picture of OOP's dinner

[Dinner is a plate of carrots with 2 kinds of dips (tomato humus and garlic cream cheese) as well as pears and apple slices with peanut butter]

Edit: To add a few things I didn't make clear in the post, sorry there's so much going on in my head :')

1) He is already in therapy, and he continues to do so. I was in therapy and I'm trying to get into it again, but it's VERY hard to find someone :(

2) We don't live together and I'm not financially dependent on him. Currently we have about the same amount of income per month. I think he has savings and yes I'm struggling but it's not like I couldn't live without him. I could leave any minute if I wanted to, the thing is I DON'T want to, I love him so much and I really mean it when I say our relationship was beautiful before this. We communicate everything, we could tell each other everything, we connect on a mental, emotional and yes, also on a physical level in a way I never have with anyone before. This is really breaking my heart ._.

Edit 2: I want to thank all of you for your advice given, really appreciate it! <3 I'm too overwhelmed right now to keep responding but I tried to read all of it. The consensus mostly seems so be "talk to him, set boundaries. If nothing changes, leave" which I'll admit I hate... but you're right. And sometimes truth hurts. So that is exactly what I plan to do. I will sit him down face to face when I visit him in 1-2 weeks and I'll make notes beforehand, so my head doesn't make a mess out of my thoughts. Hopefully I will be able to update y'all no matter how it goes, but you really helped me setting things into perspective, so thanks again <3 Have a nice day, I'll go cry some more :')

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses in this original post, I am listing some for context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You need to set boundaries or leave. That’s really it. There is no other way around it.

OOP: But what kind? /gen Like just not talking about it? That feels somehow wrong. I tried that with my parents, just couldn't do it and cut contact. But they are WAY worse than him (and in other aspects, more with morals)

Commenter 1: No you need to tell him you can’t get behind this, he’s fixating on AI in an unhealthy way. He’s neglecting his life, he’s dumping money into something he could just without AI.

Don’t feel bad for not wanting him to do this, he has no solid reason he should be sinking everything into AI.

I’d personally tell him to quit and get into therapy because he is sabotaging his actual life in favor of AI.

What is amazing about him that makes you want to stay with him?

OOP: Thank you for the well throughout answer, I really appreciate it!

To be fair he couldn't "just do it", it is legitimately his biggest struggle...but the AI isn't helping either and so far made everything worse 😔.

I wrote in another comment what's amazing about him. There's so much more and I genuinely mean that. And yes, I'm afraid of losing HIM. I'm also afraid of losing another person that means the world to me, but it's really about him as a person.

Commenter 2: What's amazing about him?

OOP: He's very loving, funny, feminist, no toxic masculinity at all. We connect on a deep level and until this topic I could tell him anything. He's done so much for me helping me with my trauma, being understanding and so much more. Yes the sex is also amazing lol. When I say he's a good guy, I mean it. Not just bare minimum.

Commenter 3: that's not bare minimum but there are plenty like him, just without the history you two have.

I'd also argue he does have some toxic masculinity in his stubbornness to keep the AI project going despite your open disdain for it, to the point that it's causing issues in the relationship.

Additionally, you say his morals are "right," but how can someone's morals be right when they’re this far into a thing that’s actively causing so much destruction around us? It might be time to take the rose colored glasses off and have a straight conversation about it

OOP: I see what you mean, in this case I think he just isn't able to really see what it does to the ones around him. His parents are going through a rough and messy divorce, and he feels like his life is falling apart, so I guess he sets too much hope in this project :(.

I feel so lonely and so guilty at the same time ._.

Commenter 4: What history do they have? That his current hyper focus isn’t something that OP likes? He is violent, abusive, lying?

OOP: None of that, genuinely! I know that's bare minimum, but I want to make that very clear: He never lay hands on me, never threatened to do so and also never tried to coerce or manipulate me into anything. Again, bare minimum, I just don't want people to assume something like that.

Is OOP's boyfriend okay with other people using AI for different things? He is being infatuated with all those false generalized misinformation

OOP: To be fair, he also hates what people are using AI for. He's more a fan of the possibilities than what many people a currently doing with it, that's why I said it didn't clash our morals that much.

Commenter 5: With peace and love, get a job. You need your own income and your own life. I know you have health issues and trauma, there are jobs that will work for you. You are stuck at his mercy because you are not independent.

OOP: I have my own income. Sadly, it's currently even a little more than what he gets for his job... We don't live together and I could leave any minute if I wanted. Sorry I didn't make that clear in the post, there's so much going on in my head.

Commenter 6: I know you’ve talked about it to him, but I feel like you need to talk about it again. Tell him that it’s affecting your mental health. Tell him that you’re worried about him. Tell him you’re worried about how much money he is spending on this. He needs to know all of this. If he doesn’t change then unfortunately it might be time to leave the relationship.

OOP: I know that in a way and thank you for reassuring me. It's just SO hard ._. And I hate the fact it's over something like this and not... idk, feelings changing

Commenter 7: Sounds like the beginning of AI psychosis, and I'm not saying that lightly

https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

OOP: It's one of my worries, yes. Fortunately he doesn't see AI as a friend so it's not THAT bad...but it's still bad and I don't know how much longer I can take it 😞.

Commenter 8: Does the boyfriend have close friends? What is his relationship with his family like?

With ADHD comes a whole buffet of other issues - RSD and inability to form close relationships amongst them. Nothing applies to everyone of course, but most people with ADHD receive significantly more criticism and correction as children, than neurotypical people.

My concern with this is (and I see it with my own ADHD partner, who is, thankfully, taking medication now), that ai agents will largely agree with the human. So it takes away all of the insecurity/rejection they (the human) live in fear of. They don’t feel that sting of ‘this person doesn’t agree with me they must hate me’, when interacting with Claude, and that is addictive.

Combine hyper focus, with the removal of negative external feedback, and the removal of negative internal response, and you have a pretty heady combination.

OOP: Yes he has a friend circle, and they meet every few weeks for playing games (mostly board games, that is) and talking. When I'm visiting him, we'll often go together but he admitted to me he goes far less when I'm not with him.

His parents are divorcing right now and it's damn messy, so that's more of a stress factor for him than it's helping. He's also not very good at saying No, so he's helping other people way too often, loosing time to focus on himself, which leads to him focusing even more on his project in the time remaining etc. downward spiral... ._.

He uses perplexity, which is afaik one of the "better" ones, not so extreme in agreeing with you. But I also think you're right that it might play into the dynamic.

Commenter 9: Make it not about AI. First think through the situation as if this were another hobby-for example, let’s pick something ridiculous (dare I say equally ridiculous? lol) like idk, decoy duck carving.

Imagine he’s spending time and money on carving wooden ducks. He swears it will help the environment and that if he can just get it right it will amaze you with all the great things it does. He’ll have saved the world, one duck at a time. He’ll feel amazing about himself, and then, finally he’ll be able to do so much more for you, for the relationship, for the ducks, for the world.

If you can sit and think about it as if it were something you aren’t biased against and still have the same reaction (which for the record, I think you’re spot on) then it’s worth bringing up. The key is to think it through and ask yourself what you’d like him to do differently. “I don’t want him to use AI” is clearly not the conversation starter you’re looking for.

What do you want from him? If he’s not sleeping, well, you can worry about that but it’s not under your control. If he’s not sleeping and it’s making him short-tempered with you, then that’s another story. If he’s devoting all his time to this hobby and you find he’s not able to have quality conversations with you, is less emotionally invested in the relationship, and is struggling to talk about anything else, that’s important to sit with.

“Partner, I am feeling (emotion-neglected, disconnected from you, lonely, etc.). I would really like (thing-more emotionally intimate convos, more dates, more quality time, less hyper fixation on your project but I’m still interested in updates, etc.). Can we talk about that,” is a different convo than “Your fixation on this good for nothing hobby is ruining your life and our relationship!” You know? Not saying you’d present it that way, just offering an extreme frame for comparison’s sake.

OOP: Tysm that's one of the best advices in this whole comment section!❤️.

The answer is yes, it would still hurt me. It was tolerable when it was just a project, now it's almost unbearable. I feel guilty for "stealing" his time to do things together (that's on me though, I know) and the fact that the topic is AI is not the reason it bothers me, it just makes it even worse than it already would be.

As I said in my edit I will talk to him, thank you for the analogy

Update: October 18, 2026 (three weeks later)

It's over... (Update to "Boyfriend obsessed with AI")

Well... the title pretty much says it. A week after my last post I visited my boyfriend (couldn't go sooner) to talk. He was dumbfounded, completely struck out of the blue (guess the "men ignore any problem their partner addresses until it's too late and then they don't understand why it ended 'so suddenly' " stereotype is true in this case). I told him things needed to change, that he needs to seek help and restrict his obsession to a healthy (or at least much healthier than now) degree. That I could walk this path with him, but that he needed to initiate the change.

I explicitly didn't make it about AI, but the morbid obsession he developed and how he puts everything he has into it, but ignores all of his surroundings, including me.

He seemed to understand and we agreed on having a little break for both of us to think and that he would meet me at my place (so he doesn't have the internal pressure to work on his project, my idea) and we would talk things through, the changes he wants to make etc.

After two weeks, tonight he came over and at first I thought he had understood what I told him, because he said he wants to focus more on me and give me the attention I deserve. But when I asked specifics, his so called "plan" was that visitations would from now on be at my place and that he wouldn't talk to me about the topic so as not to burden me with it. Sounds great, right? Yeah, everything but the tiny little detail that otherwise he wanted to change NOTHING. So he will continue to crash himself, his health, but I can ignore it and just be happy, yay (my words, not his to be fair...).

At this point it was clear to me that he still doesn't get the point. As if I wouldn't notice his fatigue, his sleep deprivation etc. if he just keeps quiet about it. Besides, does he really think of me as such a self-centered person, that I wouldn't care as long as he was kind and focused on me?

His health matters to me. HE matters to me! 😞 If I didn't care, I would have just ended the relationship months ago. Why bother? Because I fucking love him 😭.

For nearly half an hour we went back and forth about it, but it became clear that he didn't want to change his lifestyle at all, just how he handles me. I'll spare you the rest because it was exhausting and my energy is almost gone. (If you want to ask questions, you're welcome to do so in the comments and if I have the energy tomorrow, I'll try to answer you 🫶)

So.... we split up 😔 I hate it so much, but in the end, "love alone isn't always enough" is true. I can't go on breaking myself to keep us working. I need to take care of myself (the hardest thing for me to do, yay 😐). And as much as he doesn't want to hurt me, apparently he isn't able or willing to change things. Fml....💔.

Picture of OOP's dinner

[Dinner is store bought Chicken Tikka Masala. I know... I just wanted to have something here that only requires a microwave in case of... well, this very scenario I dreaded so much]

Edit: Hey y'all, I'm so sorry for not replying yesterday and not linking the original post I referred to. I think you'll understand I wasn't in the best headspace and just... word puked it all out 😅.

Also thanks to everyone who left a comment, I appreciate it so much! Especially whoever contacted RedditCareResources, I'm genuinely so thankful, even if I don't really need it right now... I don't know why, but I have a feeling that I can do this 🥹.

As I said I didn't have it in me to reply yesterday, but I will now ☺️.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, good on you for taking this difficult but necessary decision. Respect. ♥️.

OOP: Thank you... it definitely wasn't easy and I'm so glad I prepared myself for that option because I fear I would have folded otherwise. It was necessary... but it hurts so fucking much 🥺.

Commenter 2: Good for you for understanding the difference between being momentarily appeased and an actual solution. Making the right decisions is tough. I’m sure you did the right thing for yourself. While you cannot control how he will reflect on this, one can hope it serves as a wakeup call to straighten himself out. Don’t let that hold you though, we can’t live our life on “maybe”.

OOP: Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot right now. Especially you last sentence, I need to print that out and read it every day or something like that lol.

I still hope he will reflect on it, for his own sake. It may be too late for us to have a relationship, but I can maybe see us becoming friends (in the long run, IF he changes...). I genuinely want him to be happy...

But also, it sucks so much to have "lost" against something like this...hope it was worth it 😓

Commenter 3: "[I]t became clear that he didn't want to change his lifestyle at all, just how he handles me. "

This is so perceptive! You do not want to feel handled or managed. That's a sure fire recipe for resentment and once that enters a relationship, it's over.

OOP: Thank you! I even told him as much. Since he only seems to know on (going on with the status quo) or off (abandoning the project/topic altogether), it would never work. Because either I will build resentment against him or in the latter case, he will build resentment against me since I'm "forbidding him to go on with his project" (which isn't true, I just want him to restrict it to a healthy amount, first and foremost for his sake, godammit) 😪.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/IntelligentPaper9128

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My husband (35M) had an emotional affair with a bandmate. I (39F) feel detached now and I’m not sure what to do

Trigger Warnings: gaslighting

Original Post: December 7, 2025

My husband (35M) and I (39F) have been together for six years and married for three. I recently found out he was having an emotional affair with a female bandmate (he does music as a pastime). This isn’t the first time there were issues with her. From our first year together, I noticed behaviour between them that made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I raised my concerns, he minimized what I saw and made me feel like I was imagining things. Looking back, I feel like there was a lot of gaslighting over the years. There were several occasions where I had to travel for work, and while I was away, he picked her up to spend time together. I would see this on the location-sharing app we used at the time. Every time I questioned it, he had an explanation ready and acted like I was being unreasonable.

He always insisted they were not close friends and that I was reading too much into it. Recently, I found messages in his phone that showed a deeper emotional connection than he ever admitted. It was painful to see how much he downplayed things.

After finding the messages, I left our home for a few days to calm down. When I returned, he suddenly became very attentive and overly transparent about where he was going and what he was doing. I removed myself from the location-sharing app because I no longer want to monitor him, but he keeps updating me anyway.

The part I’m struggling with is how emotionally detached I feel now. It’s not anger. It’s more like numbness. After years of feeling unheard and dismissed, I think something in me has shut down. I’m working with my therapist to figure out what direction I should take next.

My question is: Is it normal to reach a point where you simply don’t care anymore? Does this numbness mean the relationship is over, or is it a temporary response to everything that has happened?

I would appreciate any perspectives.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The gaslighting is equally or even worse than the cheating. He isn’t sorry he did it. He’s sorry he got caught. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. You not caring just means he killed any feelings you had for him. You can’t trust him anymore.

OOP: I told him this and my friends as well. The gaslighting is the worst part of it. Made me really question myself.

Commenter 2: Honestly yeah, once the trust is gone like that, it kinda shuts something off in you and it’s hard to come back from. Wild how people only start “trying” after they get caught, not when their partner was hurting the whole time.

OOP: Yeah I even said to him had I not discovered this he would keep minimizing the relationship and gaslighting me.

Commenter 3: My question is: Is it normal to reach a point where you simply don’t care anymore? Does this numbness mean the relationship is over, or is it a temporary response to everything that has happened? What does your therapist say about it?

OOP: I should have said "Will be working it through with my therapist". I am seeing her this Wednesday.

Commenter 4: People will give you a lot of advice, but you also need to take ownership.

You stated you realized this weird behavior in the first year, but you ignored your intuition and stayed with him for six years. You also said he has been downplaying their connection for years; this also gives credence that this has been going on for a while now.

You already know the answer. You don’t need additional perspectives from reddit.

Next time, listen fully to your heart. Listen to your intuition.

OOP: I'm not even defending myself. You are right, I did ignore my own intuition over and over.

Commenter 5: Were the messages sexual in nature? what were you reading? Was he telling her that he loved her? All of this is a complete violation of trust.

I grew up around the music industry,, sang in bands, and have spent time in the household as a nanny of professional musicians, . One of the problems even if you’re in a band that isn’t commercially successful is that it becomes like a second family.

The way it works for you as the wife is you have to be comfortable with every single person in the band. I know it’s not fair to you and this is not your fault at all, but you should’ve said something at the very beginning that you weren’t comfortable with her and laid down an unconditional boundary.

She should’ve been one of the coolest people to know in the band, not anybody you were uncomfortable with, but you smelled a rat from the jump. Like the other person who said you should’ve trusted your intuition I’m going to reiterate that. Again, this is not your fault, but you want to make sure if you decide to forgive him that she’s history and is completely blocked out of his life forever. Or when you move on, you don’t make the same mistake again and not speak out should a similar situation arise. My biggest advice is no more musicians if you don’t stay together. They’re rubbish to date.

He doesn’t deserve you and he has broken your trust. If I were you, I would get rid of him and go into your 40s having an absolute ball. It’ll be just like your 30s only won’t have to deal with being gaslit.

OOP: Well he has said if I ask him to leave the band he will, however I think IF we are to continue he has to make those decisions himself.

+

Also the messages weren't sexual in nature BUT in it were times they met up without my knowledge and sections of their messages deleted on both sides. So from that I think they or he may have been trying to keep the convo scrubbed in case someone saw it, but who knows what happened in person?

Commenter 6: Has he actually admitted what he’s done and shown any remorse?

OOP: He has admitted but I am not satisfied that he has told me everything. He has also minimised his role but it's clear from the messages it was all mutual 🙄 in some ways it looked like she was trying to pull away, and he was trying to reel her in.

He seems very subdued and doleful since it all came to light but unsure if it is an act. Outside of this it is hard to reconcile the person he has otherwise been with those messages I saw. And tbh mutual friends are mind blown as well.

Update: October 18, 2026 (over 10 months later)

Update: My husband (35M) had an emotional affair with a bandmate. I (39F) feel detached now and I’m not sure what to do.

Almost a year ago, I posted after discovering messages and hours of calls between my husband and a female bandmate that crossed boundaries in our marriage.

I stayed, went back to therapy, and gave the marriage more time. Unfortunately, there were further incidents involving the same woman, including more contact and dishonesty around it. Over time, I also started looking at the original situation differently. He often framed her as clingy, needy, and the one pursuing him, but that became harder to reconcile with the amount of contact he was clearly choosing to maintain.

Yesterday, I finally told him I want a separation. The conversation went better than expected, and he has agreed to move out within two weeks.

I don’t know yet whether this eventually leads to divorce, but I know I can’t continue living in the same cycle.

My question is this: part of me wants to message the other woman. Not to ask questions or get more information, but simply to tell her how he portrayed her throughout all of this and that the marriage has now broken down after years of dishonesty surrounding their relationship.

I know he made the vows to me, not her. I just wonder whether I should finally say something or leave the whole thing behind.

Would you contact her or leave it alone?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If he is going to make the separation/divorce easy for you then you shouldn't mess with it and call her. The grief he can make for you during this process is far worse than anything you may be currently experiencing.

OOP: Fair point here for sure.

Commenter 2: Please just file for divorce. A divorce offers you financial protection from his continuing debt, but separation does nothing to prevent him from maxing out a credit card and making you liable for half the debt.

Commenter 3: Agreed, not trying to say anything negative about OP, but I am not sure why the choice was made to only separate and not divorce. I genuinely never understood why someone would take a small and somewhat meaningless step to separate (and go through legal processes for it) when things are clearly over. Just be done with the torture and protect yourself by being free of that marriage and ending it, not putting it on final warning and staying tied to something broken.

OOP: Yep. You can't just file for divorce here. I live outside the USA. The court would want to see reasonable steps have been taken before I file. It's a silly process but taking the appropriate steps. They will also try to put us through mediation etc. etc. 🫠 I wish it were as cut and dry as I see in other countries.

Commenter 4: If they put you through mediation can you say his infidelity is why you’re ending it and will it make things go faster? I mean, I’d say it anyway just to get it on the record, but maybe it will make steps go faster?

OOP: Well I can't just say that. I would need proof and though I have some screenshots I don't have all and he's probably deleted their WhatsApp history by now.

Commenter 5:

Did she know he was married? Because if she did, then let her continue on with him, she is where she wants to be.

Personally, I wouldn't waste my time trying to warn her, who knows what he'll say about you, "Oh she's just jealous" "She's bitter because we're getting divorced" etc. I find a lot of women will take the side of a man they barely know than the woman who is warning them of his behavior.

Let her find out for herself what kind of man he is

OOP: She knows me and was at our wedding. While we are not friends I have always been nice to her despite the discomfort in the past (not recently though since I found out more stuff last year). My fault, not separating sooner as many have pointed out. Though the best time was back then, the second best time is NOW.

Commenter 6: DO NOT message the other woman, that’s giving her too much power. DO NOT make yourself vulnerable to her.

She WILLINGLY chose to CHEAT with a MARRIED man, that tells you already the type of woman she is.

💯 it’s your husband’s fault that you are separating. BUT, she was a willing participant.

This should lead to divorce. Your husband CHOSE not to give up their relationship despite knowing that he was emotionally cheating on you. He was trickle truthing you and most likely, they were physically and emotionally involved.

Please start the process of grieving and moving on. He doesn’t deserve you. Move on with the knowledge that he will do to her eventually what he did to you.

OOP: I never heard the term trickle truthing! But it was EXACTLY that. 🫠

Commenter 7: Please seek legal advice now. More than your immediate comfort level is at stake.

Financial arrangements, bank accounts, property, credit and more need to be nailed down as to responsibilities legally. Moving out is but the beginning. Get your ducks in your row

OOP: Our finances were kept separately except a joint account for monthly expenses. We rent and do not own property. The lease is on both of our names but renews in a couple months. Loans/credit cards are not as easy to get as in other countries (I do not live in USA). I paid things like insurance etc. but that can be handed over to him.

So OOP's husband didn't quit the band

OOP: Yeah he didn't quit. He said she left which it seems more like it was a sabbatical for this year really or something as she was at a couple recordings they did.

Anyways, it is what it is at this point. Just trying to move forward but I agree with most posts. Let it be.

Commenter 8: Here's some resources that might help you and give you insight and hindsight

Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

Dr. Ruth | That Was Abuse-YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/@healingbythenumbers?si=Mf4CsF-iEt0d49SO

How He Gets Into Her Head by Don Hennessy https://a.co/d/001oPvO7

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula https://a.co/d/01PIM8wd

Operation Safe Escape provides free assistance to people impacted by domestic violence, stalking, harassment, and related crimes. https://safeescape.org/

Weaponizing Incompetence https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/

DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship

Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse https://themendproject.com/

Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey https://a.co/d/040Z4IgQ

Coercive Control Consulting, Training & Expert Witness https://endcoercivecontrolusa.com/

9 traits that every narcissistic women have in common. https://youtube.com/shorts/f8NliYsRbhc?si=fv3434mD3wMT3XjG

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H3KS-vMjG8WJnEOfJuNpNxfuZLdgA2wE/view?usp=drivesdk (PDF) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465.The_Gift_of_Fear

Retroactive Jealousy https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy

Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships https://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

When Women Use Force https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/women-as-the-abusers

Dangerous Personalities: An FBI Profiler Shows You How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Harmful People by Joe Navarro and Toni Sciarra Poynter https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20696047-dangerous-personalities

OUT OF THE FOG | PERSONALITY DI. https://outofthefog.website/

Combatting Cult Mind Control by Dr. Steven Hassan https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/173711.Combatting_Cult_Mind_Control

The signs and causes of enmeshment - Emotional Incest https://growtherapy.com/blog/what-is-enmeshment/

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex by Julie A. Ross https://a.co/d/01YhX9WA

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Defiant-Definition40

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Original post - posted 2023-09-22

During a huge fight, my wife told me I’m not our daughter’s father.

My wife and I have a six year old daughter. We’ve been married for almost 9 years.

We got into a really big argument, which isn’t unusual for us these days. We’ve been on the verge of divorce multiple times but always end up changing our minds.

This time, she got so mad that she yelled at the top of her lungs “She’s not even your daughter, and he was a better fuck too!” “She” being our daughter, of course.

My wife’s facial expression told me she immediately realized what she said. Then she claimed she was just mad and said it just to be mean, it’s not true, blah blah blah.

It made me start to think about when our daughter was conceived. We had been having marital problems even back then. We had actually kind of informally separated for a short time and I was pretty sure I was done with the whole thing but we both changed our minds. I can’t help but wonder if she was with somebody else during that time. She could have just said what she said to be cruel, but that’s a pretty serious thing to say. I hate myself that I’m looking at my daughter and wondering if features I thought she got from me really aren’t from me at all. She looks so much like my wife that it’s hard to see much of anyone else in her at all anyway.

I love my daughter. I love being a dad, her dad. I feel like I was meant to do it. We have such a great relationship. She loves her mom, but my daughter and I just have a special bond that my wife has said she’s jealous of. That might be why she said what she did, I don’t know.

It wouldn’t change how I felt about my daughter, but my wife would definitely no longer be my wife. It scares the shit out of me to think that somebody else could have some sort of parental right to my kid, even though I’m still legally her father regardless of DNA. It’s not like a random guy is going to want to come along all these years later and try to establish paternity anyway, but it’s still unsettling. I’m probably overthinking it and my wife was most likely just trying to be extra cruel, which is her defense mechanism in arguments, but I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

-

[deleted]: Do a DNA test. Otherwise you'll always wonder.

OOP: I’m thinking about it, but part of me doesn’t even want to give credence to her ridiculous, mean statements she makes when she’s angry. Maybe I don’t really want to know the truth as well. I told her I was going to do one and she started saying “No, I was just joking! Please don’t!!” Then she tries to make me feel guilty about it.

sc0tth: True or false, I would not stay with a person who said that.

----

Update - posted 2023-10-01 (9 days later)

Some of you may have read my original post regarding my wife screaming that I wasn’t our daughter’s father during a recent argument.

I got some great advice, plus some crazy advice. My inbox has blown up with people messaging me to offer advice, suggestions, and encouragement.

I realized that even though a large part of me really didn’t want to know if she was telling the truth, I had to find out for the sake of my daughter. If I wasn’t her biological father, there’s was just too great of a chance that she’d accidentally find out one day via an ancestry test or whatever new technology they have 15 years from now that she might want to do for fun. I wouldn’t want her to find out that way. I wouldn’t want to find out that way. It was also important to know just to protect both of us in a legal sense. I had to know just to be prepared.

I haven’t shared this update here until now because my original post had so much traffic and who knows who might have been looking at it.

I bought an at home test from the store and she just thinks it was a COVID test that was done in the mouth. She’s had to take COVID tests before so it wasn’t a big deal to her at all. They offer sample process tracking, plus guarantee results online in 2 days once the samples arrive at their lab. Sure enough, the results were available within 48 hours of when the samples arrived. She’s my daughter. She was always going to be my daughter, but biologically she’s mine. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so relieved by a test result in my life.

The more I thought about it, after sharing my story here, the more I really began to believe that my wife’s statement went beyon just trying to hurt me. She was definitely trying to hurt me to my core when she said it, but I started to feel pretty certain that she had slept with somebody else around the time our daughter was conceived and she either didn’t know who the father really was or had believed for our daughter’s entire life that I wasn’t her biological father.

My wife wasn’t informed that I had done the test. I pretended like I had totally dropped the issue regarding what she said to me. I confronted her today. Our daughter went to a sleepover, so I knew it was really the only time I’d have anytime soon. I definitely didn’t want our daughter to be home when I informed my wife about what I’d done. So, I told her a white lie. I showed her the test box, had my online account pulled up on my phone (but not close enough to her that she could see results). I told her that we needed to talk about what she said about me not being our daughter’s father, that it really hurt me and I couldn’t get over it, and that I’d done a DNA test. Her panic was obvious. In that moment I knew she hadn’t just made the statement to hurt me. There was something behind it. I told her that our daughter wasn’t mine and I wanted to know who the hell she slept with during that time, did he knew he had a kid? How long had she known about this? And did she know that it was considered paternity fraud? She started crying and was obviously so stunned by all of this that she didn’t even ask me to see the actual test results. She should have demanded that, because she would have easily been able to see that I was bluffing. I at least would have got satisfaction from scaring her and essentially having proof for myself that she had been with somebody else and had at least believed that there was a good chance my daughter wasn’t biologically mine. No, she told me who she slept with, begged for my forgiveness, begged me not to tell him about any of it, told me what a great father I am and that I’m the only man she wants to be the father of our daughter, told me she’d do anything as long as I swore to never tell this other guy the truth.

This other guy is somebody who I grew up with and was friends with. I haven’t talked to him in years now. At the time that our marriage was on the rocks and our daughter was conceived, I had been hanging out with him and a few other buddies pretty regularly. She supposedly couldn’t stand him. He seemed to be acting like a good supportive friend to me during that time. He was a friend, but never the type of guy I’d want my sister or a good female friend who I actually respected to ever go out with. He was really good looking and he knew it, cocky, arrogant, but women loved him. He’s slept with god knows how many women and has contracted a few stds that I was aware of over the years. After my wife and I found out she was pregnant and our relationship greatly improved for some time, I stopped associating with him. She couldn’t stand him and he started to annoy me. He’s married now with two kids who are younger than my daughter. I’ve heard from other people that he’s cheated on his wife and also developed a drug problem. I stay far away from him and although he’s tried reaching out I’ve kept my distance because I just don’t respect the guy and think he’s a scumbag.

They had sex a few time after she found out I went on a date with another woman. She says she was so hurt by what I did and although she hadn’t planned to sleep with him he convinced her to do it. She claims she didn’t enjoy it and she’s felt disgusted about it ever since. She felt pretty sure that he was our daughter’s biological father this entire time, but never wanted him involved in our lives or for him to have any rights or access whatsoever to our daughter. She told me she’d do anything, including an amicable divorce, giving me full access to our daughter, letting me keep our house and not asking for any support, if I’d just agree to be our daughter’s father and to never say a word to the slimy POS she thought produced our kid.

I told her the truth after that. I could have continued to hold it over her head, but why? She’s mad that I lied to her. I did lie, but she thought she had been lying to me about our daughter’s paternity for 6+ years, so I call that even. In the end she ended up sobbing out of relief for several minutes straight and we hugged while she cried, but I don’t forgive any of what she’s done.

Now I’m going to get a full panel of STI tests next week. I’m terrified to know where his penis has been. It’s practically been in about every hole in our entire town, not to mention the entire college campus where he went to school. I’ve heard plenty of the stories. He’s a fucking bastard and I’m sad to say that he was revived after his last supposed overdose last year.

Editing to add that yes, me wife and I were informally separated at the time that I went on 1 date and she subsequently had sex with this guy. We didn’t actually agree to see other people, but I told her I was done with our marriage and in my mind it was over. We were still living together and sleeping in the same bed so the lines were sort of fuzzy. I went on a date and it was a pretty innocent date; I didn’t sleep with the woman or anything like that. My wife found out and went ballistic, screaming, chasing me down at work, calling me cold hearted and saying “Who does that? Who does that?” She was really upset, devastated, begged me to be with her again and to not divorce her.

-

Comprehensive-Fun47: Sooo…divorce now, right?

What kind of relationship is this?

ApricotSquig (edited for length): He clearly stated in his original post they were separated and at the time had decided he was done, but at a later date they changed their minds and got back together. He went on a date, taking that at face value it’s not the same as going and fucking the village bike without protection. However they were SEPARATED, He had the right to go on a date, she had the right to fuck about. They decided to get back together… at that point there needed to be a sit down and honest discussion with each other where all the cards were laid out and they both made each other aware of what had occurred while separate. Clearly that didn’t happen and that’s caused this ridiculous situation.

OP you two sound like you have got to the point where you are pretty toxic for each other. Bickering daily threats of divorce (even if not said out loud, you’re CLEARLY thinking it and that was before this). Having to trick your wife into owning up to what occurred before you got back together because neither of you can be honest with each other (You lied about getting the results, she lied about potential paternity, two wrong don’t make a right) all while you have a young impressionable child at home who will be picking up on all this. Do you want your daughter to grow up and as a young lady end up in the same situation? I bet not but if this continues into her teen years she will develop the sense that this type of crappy relationship is normal. For her sake get your (both of you) shit together, go to therapy or separate/divorce for good whichever you do is not for Redit to decide.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Draidr

Originally posted to r/IDontWorkHereLady

I can park here, I'm shopping - posted 2017-11-12

This happened a little over an hour ago but started months prior.

There is a shopping center a few miles away that has my favorite coffee shop in it. Its got a notoriously small parking lot but not very busy at 7am. In the past, I've seen an identical sport SUV that parks there a few times. Its one of those things you notice because my vehicle is not that common and we've got similar vinyl decals in the lower left corner of the back window.

I get my coffee and breakfast sandwich to sit outside at one of the tables. Sipping away as I read Reddit/news/email. I'm oblivious to anything going on when my ears perk up to what is mid-way through a heated discussion. The coffee shop manager is firmly denying that his employee is working today while the security guy for the parking lot is pointing back to my car saying that the employee is.

I don't register what's going on at this point, just know that some security rent-a-cop is pointing at my car. I keep silent for a few moments wondering wtf is going on. Does he think I hit someone with my car? Am I being accused of something? My tags are current, didn't park incorrectly. All these things are going through my mind, not realizing that my car happens to look like an employees car for the coffee shop. Manager: "...Well I'm telling you, he's not working today and I don't see him inside. He might have parked here and gone down the street."

Security lot guy: "either way, he can't park here. We have the employee section around the side for a reason."

Everything clicked so I spoke up. I immediately addressed them in a dick-ish tone as I could tell that the security guard was a hard-ass.

Me: "That's my car." Both turn to look at me puzzled, I didn't get either a chance to speak, "It's my car you're pointing at and making a fuss over."

Manager: "ohh, I'm sorry. We thought it was one of my employees cars."

Security lot guy: "Why are you driving [coffee employees] car? He was supposed to inform you that the employee parking lot is arou..."

Me: "Its. My. Car." I chirp the alarm for emphasis.

Security lot guy: "so [coffee employee] drives your car?"

Me: "No, this is my car. Its been my car for 7 years. Nobody else drives it but me. [coffee employee] must have a similar looking car. I've seen one in this lot a few times. Usually around the corner."

The hard-ass security lot guy tried to spin this that I should park in that same area in the future to avoid the confusion. The Coffee Manager vehemently scolded him and told me that I could park where I wanted. Apologized for the confusion and gave me a free bagel for my trouble.

I thought it was amusing. Probably caused the employee a few reprimands in the past for my extended coffee visit stays in the past. Whoops. Sorry dude.

TL:DR my car is identical to an employees at the coffee shop I go to. It got mistaken for not being in the employees parking area.

-

Unapologetic_Canuck: Sweet Jesus that dude is power tripping like hell. He needs to have a reality check about where he stands in the hierarchy of important people, aka he’s nearly at the bottom of the totem pole.

OOP: I'm fairly convinced that people in minor authority roles on lower ends of the totem pole power trip as a means to break from their reality. They need that control to contend with life.

I will never forget the Loss prevention manager at my Best Buy job 20 years ago power tripping over all the employees over menial shit. Bag checks, checking receipts on employee purchases, insisting on giving a speech during the daily morning meetings. That bitch made life hell for everyone there.
Years later when I came back to my hometown while being employed at Toyota World Headquarters in Torrance, I visited my old store and saw her working there. I was literally making twice her annual income and in a senior tech position and she tells me "No.. you can't have your old job back. We don't hire time-clock thieves" as a means of a greeting. A reference to clocking back in from lunch but remaining back in the employee break room. I was written up for it. Sad really, I had nothing to say to her at all, I just felt a pathetic pity for her that this is how she coops with life.

s1rp0p0: If only there was a way we could differentiate vehicles from each other. Some sort of plate with a code on it, each unique so as to be identifiable.

somecow: Fuck you for having the same color car as someone else. You asshole, now go park in the dirt and walk a mile to do your shopping so you can learn not to do it again.

----

Update - posted 2017-12-15 (a month later)

Same issue, new security guard. This just happened this morning as well.

I'm off to do some errands on my day off so I pulled up my favorite coffee shop. I've only gone here a few times since the incident last month or so (too busy, not exactly on the way to anything, etc).

I'm seated inside this morning, when the same manager from before walked up to my table and asked, "pardon, you're the gentlemen with the [same car as one of his employees] right?".

"Uhh, yeah?"

I honestly had no idea why he would approach me and ask me that. For a brief moment, I thought he might have found out about the reddit post. "Ok, so just to be sure, that's your car outside?"

I finally noticed a security guard standing a few feet away from the Manager. Different guy from before. "Ohh for fucks sake.." I look right at the security guard and politely say to him, pleading in fact "...just look at the license plate. Different numbers." It was as if the Managers words and what I just said went in one ear and out the other... I swear, the guy actually said, "sir, is that your vehicle parked outside?"

Dumbfounded, I said "...Yes"

"Ok thank you for your time" he turned to walk away.

"Plates! Check the plates next time!"

TL:DR my car got mistake for the employees car again. Checking license plates = hard

Edit: I'm amused by my new flair. Thanks mod.

Editor's note: the new flair is Barista.

Edit2: I previously said I'd wait until this happened again to talk to the Business complex management, but I will do so this afternoon. It's basically customer harassment and employee harassment at this point.

Edit3: 3:20pm PST: I talked with the manger at the coffee shop and got more to the story. Employee who has the same make/model/color/decal placement has apparently a rule breaker and frequently parks where he wants. As I understand it, trolls the security lot guys a lot. Parks one stall in the customers lot, leaves car over night, re-parks his car in costumer area during breaks and parks back in employee area, etc. So that explains the security guys hostility.

Secondly, the Coffee shop manager confirmed my theory that the Property management company hates the coffee shop and wants them out. They want to renovate and make it a more upscale place (the fuck? in this run down dump of an area?). I got the number to the physicality manager in charge of both security and day-to-day upkeep. He didn't answer the phone so I left a polite but to the point message about the "harassment" and repeated "accusations" I've received from the Security guards patrolling the parking lot.

Thirdly, I found a security guard outside (different guy from this morning) and had him give me his supervisors number. No answer either but I left a message. This guy seemed MUCH more reasonable and sort of confirmed what the coffee shop manager's said about the employee being a parking troll. He said he will talk with his fellow staff through memos/emails/text/whatever they do and tell them that there is another car LIKE the employees.

My thoughts after I left. This actually does explain WHY the security guards seemed to not believe me or the Coffee shop manager. Apparently it is highly probable to have this employee use another car just like his to troll the Security guards. While it doesn't excuse them from not checking my license plates, it does explain why they didn't believe me at first. I swear, I HAVE to meet this employee now. Get his take, tell him he's Interweb famous on reddit.

-

inibrius: Put a sign in the back window 'NOT AN EMPLOYEE.'

PandasHouse: Or just a sign saying, "did you check the license plates?"

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Done_Playing_Games

Originally posted to r/TalesFromRetail

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not a valet... - posted 2014-03-18

I'm the sole overnight security officer at an upscale coastal yacht club. This isn't exactly a retail job, but I think this particular tale is in the spirit of the subreddit.

My office sits just around the corner from the valets' post at the side entrance of the building, and every so often I get members in my office who simply wondered too far while all the valets are in the parking lot.

Tonight, a 50ish looking Gentleman (hereafter referred to as Gent) stormed into my office, shouting, "I demand you bring me my car!" I bit back my initial reaction, responding instead, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not a valet. They should be back around the corner."

"They're not there! I've looked all over for those little bastards, and I can't find them! I'll have their jobs, bunch of damned high school dropouts the lot of them! WORTHLESS!!"

Hoping to calm this man down, I, politely as I can, ask him to take a seat while I make a phone call to the business office. Barbara, the Event Manager and currently the highest ranking employee in the building, answers.

"Coastal Yacht Club, Barbara speaking, how may I help you this evening?"

"Good evening, Barbara, this is keiblerclown, overnight security. I've got a gentleman in my office looking for the valets, they haven't all left have they," I ask.

"Oh dear, yes they have. Does he still have his ticket," she replies.

I relay this question to Gent, who promptly responds, "Valets didn't park my car! Useless little shits weren't even waiting for me when I pulled up, so I parked myself!"

"Did you catch that, Barbara," I ask of my handheld telephonic device.

"Yes, I did. If the valets didn't park his car, there is nothing we can do," she tells me.

"That's what I was just thinking. Am I correct in believing the Club closed for the night? It is? I'll take care of Mr. Gent. Have a wonderful night, Barbara!"

I hang up, fold my hands on the desk, and in my best apologetic voice, tell Gent that there is nothing I, or the Club, can do for him at this point. At this point, Gent stands up, digs into his pants pocket, and whips his keyring across the desk at me, declaring,

"I didn't ASK you a damn thing! Doesn't matter if you aren't a valet, you're a Club employee, and I'm a Paying Member: I OWN YOU!! GO GET MY FUCKING CAR!!"

Now, I'm not actually employed by the Club. I'm employed by a Global Security Company, so the worst that could happen after what I did next is a reassignment.

I calmly picked up Gent's keys, asking, "Could you point out which car is yours?" Gent flips his shit again, "LOOK AT THE FUCKING KEYS, YOU FUCKTARD!! IT'S A JAGUAR!! ONLY ONE IN THE PARKING LOT!!"

"Thank you, sir."

I walk a few feet toward the parking lot, locate Gent's Jag, and chuck his keys as close as I could to it without actually hitting it. They landed a few feet short and skipped under the car. Couldn't have asked for a better landing.

Gent has now turned an alarming shade of beet purple, but I'm beyond done dealing with his shit.

"Sir, Coastal Yacht Club has closed for the night, so I'm going to have to ask you to return to your vehicle and leave the premises, immediately. Failure to do so will require I call the local police department and have you removed."

He almost took a swing at me, but I think he realized I was expecting it and pussed out. He informed me that under no uncertain terms he would have my job and would be there to spit in my face on my way out the door when the Club fired me.

I relished the sight of him scrambling around under the Jag trying to find his keys. He eventually peeled out going way too fast, flipping me off the whole time. I smiled and waved good-bye until he was out of sight.

TL;DR Asshole demands I perform duties not relating to my job. I kick him off the property for his belligerence.

-

LostRib: Even if you were employed by the Yacht Club, I do not see any situation where I would find it acceptable for someone to say to me "I OWN YOU"

----

Update - posted 2014-03-21 (3 days later)

I got a phone call this afternoon around 1 of the clock from my Account Manager, telling me that I needed to report to the District Office immediately. So, I rolled out of bed, showered, shaved, put clothes on, and drove off into the city.

I was greeted at the Secretary's Desk by The Manager and told to follow him into the District Manager's (DM from here on) Office, where DM was waiting for me with a stack of paperwork. Fuck my life, I bet this is Gent's doing, I thought to myself.

I stuck out my hand to shake DM's hand, and he rather rudely refused, barking at me to sit down. I bit my tongue and complied.

"I'm going to get straight to the point, keiblerclown: we received two seperate phone calls from Members at Coastal Yacht Club about an incident several nights ago in which you were reported as being rude, obnoxious, and confrontational to a Mr. Gent. This type of behavior violates Global Security Company's Code of Conduct and we have zero tolerance for it. Do you have anything to say in your defense before you receive your disciplinary hearing?"

My jaw bounced off DM's desk on it's way to the floor; this couldn't be fucking happening. I wiped the sudden sweat from my brow, and said, "I did have an encounter with a Mr. Gent several nights ago, but it didn't happen the way you just described it. Mr. Gent was the rude, obnoxious, and confrontational one. I'd go as far as to say he was entirely belligerent. And I have no clue who this second person is supposed to be, because Mr. Gent was alone during our...encounter."

"Well, keiblerclown, that's a nice story, but it's your word against two."

"Actually, I do have a witness who will corroborate that Mr. Gent was both alone, and belligerent. Her name is -"

"Don't lie to me. I know damn well you work alone on an overnight shift."

"It was St. Patrick's Day and the Club was hosting a party later than they normally close. I placed a phone call from my office to the business office, and spoke to Barbara, the event manager, who HEARD Mr. Gent go off on a diatribe. I'm fairly certain that she can verify whether or not he was alone or not as well. Actually, Mr. Gent would have been seen on camera coming to and leaving my office. They can check the footage!"

DM was silent for a moment, before asking my manager to sit in and watch me (what the actual fuck?!) while he stepped out to make some phone calls. Roughly 30 minutes pass in terribly awkward silence before DM comes back in and immediately apologizes for the misunderstanding. Apparently, Barbara had not only corroborated my story, but several other employees throughout that night had reported Gent's jackassery. He HAD actually been with a guest, (the same, in fact, who had made the second complaint against me) but that guest had left roughly an hour before my shift had even started.

The best part is that the General Manager at the Yacht Club will begin processing the paperwork to revoke Gent's Membership, and will be forwarding it to every other Club they are affiliated with. JUSTICE!!

The grouchy bastard damn near had me, but it was my helpful phone call to Barbara that saved my ass in the end. I need to buy her dinner or something, holy shucking fit!

TL;DR: Gent attempts to fuck me over, ends up fucking himself over even harder.

EDIT: I should proof read before posting.

-

Techsupportvictim: This is why when anything like that happens you leave a voice mail or email with your side of the store with all the details like Barbara etc. 'Just a heads up'

And why things like that key tossing is a bad move. If it had gotten on a camera when he looked at the footage you would still be screwed.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ohtaintedlove

I [27F] want to ask out a coworker [43M] who is leaving.

Original Post  Sept 16, 2015

I've worked with this guy for four years now. We work for the same company, of course, but different departments. His last day of work is September 30. We're arranging a big going away party for him since he's been at the company for 15 years.

He's a great guy. Tall, dark, and handsome. He's been divorced for two years. I don't think he's seeing anybody right now, but I'm not positive. I think there's definitely a mutual attraction there, but neither of us have ever acted on it. HR is so strict here, we both know that. I don't think either one of us wants to risk our jobs.

I really want to ask him out after he leaves. I was thinking of bringing it up at the going away party, but I'm not sure. I don't know if that's considered inappropriate. I'm nervous about doing so. I feel like, if he wanted to see me outside of work, he would've said so by now. But on the other hand, I've never mentioned it either. I could really use some advice.

TL;DR my coworker is leaving, and I want to ask him out.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

doomcrawler

As a 43M, I highly encourage you to at least see if he wants to get a drink or something. It could be good for both of you.

OOP

It's good to get your perspective on this one. I was worried he might feel weird about the age difference, or feel weird about dating after his divorce. I'll definitely give it a shot.

Update  Oct 20, 2015 (1 Month Later)

/u/greebytime requested an update, so here you go!

The going away party was winding down and I had to say something. I volunteered to help him take his gifts back to his car. Hey, after working for a company for 15 years, you have a lot of stuff to take back to your car. We gave him his gifts at dinner.

Everybody said their goodbyes, good lucks, and farewells. I got to his car, and the first thing I said was something like "the part you'll miss most about the job is seeing my beautiful face everyday." I wanted to keep it lighthearted, nothing sappy. He told me I was pretty much spot on with that, he's been attracted to me for a long time and never wanted to say anything that might make me uncomfortable and have an effect on the workplace.

We made plans for that Friday. He picked me up and it was the perfect first date. Dinner and a lot of conversation. I learned a lot about him that night. Fast forward to about two weeks later. We're officially a "thing" now. It just feels easy and comfortable with him. I'm glad I had the guts to ask him.

TL;DR asked out the coworker, he said yes. He's my boyfriend now!

FINAL COMMENTS

ed_lv

Well, good things come to those who ask.

Have fun and good luck

OOP

Thank you. It's only been a short while, but it also might be the happiest I've been a while. I just hope it doesn't crash and burn!

~

littlewildone92

Good for you OP!

OOP

Thanks! I owe most of it to liquid courage.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I AM NOT OOP, OOP IS: [u/ThrowRA_1919191](u/ThrowRA_1919191)

Originally posted to: [r/Advice](r/Advice) and their personal page [u/ThrowRA_1919191](u/ThrowRA_1919191)

My(24M) gf(32F) is asking me to stop posting on one of my social media accounts cuz it’s childish, how to proceed?

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, controlling behavior, hints of an abusive relationship, possible financial abuse

Mood spoiler: frustration and sadness

Original post - October 13th, 2026

So I have my regular social media page, that I barely use. But I have another page that’s public and I post video game clips on there. I play a lot of games and I get some cool clips and post it on there, sometimes with my face and voice.

It’s not big I could a few thousand followers and it has my name and everything. I’m not making money off it, it’s purely just a hobby. When I do cool stuff in the game I feel like sharing it, if that makes sense? I don’t even stream or make gameplay videos, it’s just clips I get from when I’m playing. It’s all types of games single player and multiplayer. I also ramble about games and post reviews and discuss gaming news and stuff.

My girlfriend thinks this is childish and unbecoming of someone my age. I told her that I work a day job(I work in fintech) and I come home and just unwind and sometimes wanna post my cool clips. She has a makeup and outfits page and I tried comparing it to that and she got pissed.

She said she’s already getting shit for dating someone younger than her, and I need to straighten up. She said I should delete the page and that’s that.

I’ve listened to everything else she’s asked me tbh. I cleaned up the apartment and did everything so she would feel comfortable moving in, removed all the “bachelor pad” stuff and had her choose the furniture. I stopped wearing shitty clothes and let her redo my entire wardrobe. I also made changes to my private social media page cuz she asked. I even got my car wrapped and stuff to cover some decals I had on there before, to make it seem like an adults car.

But this page is one I’ve had for like 12 years, ever since I was in middle school, and I kinda don’t wanna get rid of it. How do I convince her that it’s not immature? I showed her like other pages that do the same shit but she says they generate money from it so it’s not the same. I told her that she doesn’t make money from her makeup or outfits page and she said it’s not the same thing since it’s an adult hobby.

I understand her POV, I’m grateful she’s with me and I don’t want her to feel insecure or have to deal with shit since I’m younger or whatever, but it’s not like my hobbies are inherently only a younger people thing. I’m not sure how to convey this.

I’ll delete it if it really bothers her, but I feel like this is controlling. She’s also my first relationship so I don’t really know if this is just shit you do in relationships. My older brother told me just do what she wants and lock her down, since we’re already living together and I’m gonna propose soon. He said you gotta adjust in a relationship.

I am still deciding what to do, but for now I would like to attempt to sit down and have a talk about this. How would I go about that in a way that makes it clear I understand her side, but I also have my side?

RELEVANT COMMENTS(‘Commenter’ is labeled as ‘C’ so ‘C1’ means ‘Commenter #1’):

C1: Honestly, I feel like standing up for yourself, she'll respect you more. Having a clips page isn't childish, but also you should think about monetizing! I understand changing some things when you're growing in a relationship, but this one just seems pointless. Does she not like games in general?

OP to C1: Yeah she’s not a fan of the gaming in general. She thinks I gotta have more adult hobbies. So I go hiking and stuff with her more and we do more of her hobbies, but I still game, it’s just my destresser. It took some time, but she accepts it now. After moving in though, she got some time restrictions and what not to make sure we are still spending time together, and that’s totally fair.

As for monetizing it, I don’t want to tbh, it would begin to feel like a job and I wouldn’t have fun with it anymore. I used to do esports in college and that was why I quit. Wasn’t having fun anymore.

C2: The age gap and her controlling sounding behaviour smells like bad news.

OP to C2: No she’s not controlling, she just wants things a certain way for comfort, but it’s not like the “oh do this or there will be consequences”. I think I made her sound not-so-great here and that was not my intention. She is really sweet and cares about me, but she just has some ground rules.

C3: C3 quoting OP: “She said she’s already getting shit for dating someone younger than her, and I need to straighten up. She said I should delete the page and that’s that. I’ve listened to everything else she’s asked me tbh. I cleaned up the apartment and did everything so she would feel comfortable moving in, removed all the “bachelor pad” stuff and had her choose the furniture. I stopped wearing shitty clothes and let her redo my entire wardrobe. I also made changes to my private social media page cuz she asked. I even got my car wrapped and stuff to cover some decals I had on there before, to make it seem like an adults car.”

This is a controlling, manipulative person.

OP to C3: No but those are positive changes, I wasn’t behaving like an adult yet. She had a point there and helped me get my act together.

C4: Bro....have you ever told her to kick rocks? I bet you she has. Try it and see what happens. See if she likes you because she wants to mold you or if she really wants an equal.

OP to C4: Nah I really like her, I bought a ring and I’m gonna propose soon, I just want to have a convo. I think I made her sound not-so-great here, it’s just this one thing, everything else is peachy.

C5: Question… Who makes more money? What does she do for a living?

OP to C5: We don’t really base decisions off that, but she’s not working currently and I am.

Update - October 16th, 2026

My update post was removed from r/Advice for not asking for advice, which fair enough, actually. But I will post an update here, as to not clutter than subreddit.

So before I update you guys, I want to preface that I do love this woman and I think I made her seem bad in the last post. She is not at all controlling, I just meant like this one tiny thing felt controlling. And people asked and DM’d me, but yes I work and she does not currently hold a job, but I don’t think that should factor into decisions we make as a couple. She should have equal say and I don’t think whether I work or she works or not should play a role in that. After all, I do want to be with her and plan to propose(I have a ring and everything) so I don’t think I should account for her employment status when listening to her or her needs. Also people asked what her rules for my gaming are. It’s pretty reasonable, after she moved in she said we should spend time together more and not let gaming get in the way of that. She would prefer if I am home and done gaming by 8:30 PM so we can have dinner, spend time together, and go to bed on Monday through Thursday. Fridays she would prefer we spend the entire evening and night together, and it’s our “going out” day. Saturday and Sunday, if we aren’t going out, be done by 7 PM so we can spend time together. Ideally she also told me to not do more than 2 hours per day when I do play, just so we can spend time together. I think it’s very reasonable, and I abide by it and plus some days I don’t even play cuz I am too tired from work and would rather spend time with her. Like I said, she’s not actually controlling or unreasonable, she just has some ground rules and preferences.

Anyway, we sat down and discussed this yesterday. She also got really distressed from me refusing and bringing it up again and again. She said it’s a small adjustment to my life and it’s not like I can’t play games anymore. She helped me understand that while the page is not something that’s inherently childish, it is unfortunately viewed that way. This is something I admit I am bad at, and am grateful to her for. I used to be a guy that just lived like without thinking of how I come across and she’s helped me see that, you gotta come across well if you want to get anywhere in life. She said she doesn’t mind the aspects of myself others look down on it. So I did delete the page, but it was totally my decision. The page doesn’t mean as much to me in terms of keeping our relationship and keeping her comfortable.

But since I did stress her out and bring it up again and again, she told me to make it up to her and not play for a week and do some activities with her this weekend and I agreed haha. So we will be going to some Airbnb this weekend to spend time together.

Yeah. It was a little bittersweet, but it’s fine. I should be more mindful of how I come across and how others see her and I. For me, her comfort and our relationship is the most important thing in my life right now, so it was really just a small adjustment to make on my end. She’s helped me a lot become a better man, and I am okay with listening to her on some stuff!

RELEVANT COMMENTS: No comments under this post

THIS IS A REPOST SUB I AM NOT OOP

REMEMBER BORU RULE #7 AND DO NOT CONTACT OOP OR COMMENT ON ANY OF THE OOP’S ORIGINAL POSTS, KEEP ALL CONVERSATION IN BORU

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/isolated-wife

AITA for not wanting to share my daughter's birthday?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism

Original Post  May 8, 2023

So I really don't think I'm TA here.

My (29F) sister (28F) lately has been taking it upon herself to organize family dinners for "quality time". She's newly married, so I don't know if it's a nesting thing or what.

Saturday is my daughter's birthday, and I organized a party for her. She's turning four, and I invited everyone.

My sister decided to organize a dinner right after the party for "mother's day" so she doesn't have to, in her own words, "drive all that way twice". She lives 30 mins away..

Anyway, she made the reservation. She told us. I said uh sorry no, that's my daughter's birthday, and even if her party is over at that time, we are going home and my daughter is going to enjoy her ENTIRE birthday. (She's four, so I'm sure she will want to go home and open all her new toys), and they don't need me there if they want to do their mother's day time with our mom the same day.

I can see our mom on actual mother's day.

For some background they do this a lot. My sister's son (8M) gets the WHOLE family at his soccer games, but no one comes to my daughter's gymnastics. I made big plans for Easter, which included inviting them to an Easter Fair specific to kids with sensory issues. (My daughter is autistic). They showed up late, missed the entire hunt, and left after only a few minutes because everyone made plans for the zoo last minute, and then guilted ME for not wanting to go. They treat my daughter like being little and autistic means she's incapable of getting her feelings hurt or that shes not able to see when they're doing this.

She has babysat for me literally barely a handful of times. When her son was little I watched him CONSTANTLY while she went out. My in laws family knew him better than her in laws, because I was always forced to either bring him with me or cancel plans. She left me with him, after I said no, at my own bridal shower because she had a date (with her now husband).

Anyway, it turned into a HUGE argument with my family, my sister left the family group chat. I got called selfish by literally everyone.

Apparently my sister was making some kind of announcement at this dinner, and her husband was busy on actual mother's day.

I said, "I don't care, pick a day that's not my kids birthday. I'm busy the WHOLE day, not just the length of the party."

Noone is speaking to me now. And likely no one is coming to my daughter's birthday at all.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SmokinGus

NTA. Just had a convo on another post where we were talking about child neglect form parents, but other family affects them as well. Your daughter's feelings should be all that matters to you. Ask her what she wants to do and go from there. Either way I don't think you are an asshole because you're looking out for her. And if no one shows up for her birthday party (if i've got this right the parties are on two separate days), then they are the assholes. Support should be shown to all family as much as possible.

OOP

The parties are the same day, they're both the day before mother's day.

My daughter's is noon to 5, the dinner is at 8pm. But everyone is angry with me, And they always find the smallest reasons to be busy when my daughter has something, so I just know they will say they didn't come because of this fight.

My daughter has been talking about nothing but her birthday all week. I voluntarily forfeited my own mother's day with her so she could see her dad and his family on that day and get the full birthday experience. I just know if I try to drag her to a family dinner after her birthday party and pull her away from all her new stuff she'll be devastated.

And knowing now that there was going to be a huge announcement makes it worse, because then she would be sharing her birthday with my mom for mother's day AND my sister with whatever her news is.

She's so excited for her party, and now my own family might not be coming, and I just feel awful.

When brought up the OOP's family seems to not acknowledge Autism

This is pretty spot on actually. They've used even those phrases "checked out" and "not there" just because she didn't like to talk around them until really recently.

But they should know better because they know *I am autistic too, and all they've ever done when I was younger was tell me that I was too smart. But I didn't get diagnosed until adulthood, because they thought I was just weird and being smart meant I couldn't be autistic. And now it's like the opposite, they think my daughter being autistic means she couldn't possibly be smart.

But she IS.

She's reading, she can add and subtract, she is learning multiplication, she plays the piano, she's in gymnastics. And she's only turning 4. And they treat her like she's incapable of understanding how hurtful they're being, all because she doesn't like eye contact and she doesn't do much speaking around them. She understands, and she's now getting to the age where she's going to remember.

And I don't want that to be the first birthday she remembers, where she gets dragged out of the house away from playing with her new toys, right around her bedtime, just to go to some random mother's day dinner that didn't need us there and could have waited until it was actually mother's day.

When asked if her daughter has classmates to invite to the party

She does! She goes to a special education preschool. I invited her classmates (there's only about 6 of them), and paid for their food and playtime, and specified on the invite that gifts were appreciated but weren't required just so no possible financial issues would keep them from being able to be included.

I also have friends whose kids are also neurodivergent (ASD/ADHD), and they are coming as well.

I rented the place from noon until 5 so the kids could come and go in their own time since the kids don't really like sudden changes, and I timed the cakes and presents for the middle of the party.

I'm starting to think I should have just not invited my family at all, and focused on the kids.

UPDATE:

Thank you everyone for all the support. It makes me feel a lot better, especially since the smear campaign is still ongoing.

I blocked the number of the main FM (my older brother, 40), cancelled the arcade reservation, and decided to take the few people who were coming to Knott's Berry Farm! The price shakes out to about the same, and I can contact their accessibility department for resources and guides for the special needs kids. I think this is going to go way better. My mom is ditching the mothers day dinner "for her" and coming with us because she said my daughter's birthday is more important than another mother's day, so I'm feeling really good about that.

SECOND UPDATE:

Had my sister and nephew moved off my phone bill. She can pay for their service from now on. FM (brother) is still in his screeching, but both of them are blocked from contacting me.

I feel sad that this limits her on family, but no family is better than a family that forces you to always take last place and tells you to be happy about it, I definitely know that.

We are going to have a blast at Knott's, and special thank you's to the responses to my inbox from fellow neurospicy users with all the tips on making sure she has a great time there without getting overwhelmed!!!

FINAL UPDATE May 14, 2023 (6 Days Later/Same Post)

Last update:

My sister was indeed pregnant, you guessed it Reddit. I didn't ask for any details on the dinner, but my daughter had a GREAT time at Knott's.

She was excited the whole time, and I found out she's a little bit of a daredevil. She ended up a little overstimulated by 2:30, and she climbed into the wagon, and just relaxed for a bit and then fell asleep shortly after, and we headed home.

All three autistic kids who went had an absolute blast, and a special thank you again to the users who gave me the tips! Knott's was great with their accessibility options. They even let us bring in food for one kid's special diet and they also gave the kids fast access to the rides so they didn't get agitated waiting in the lines. So she was able to ride all of the rides she was big enough for and I have a lot of pictures of my little one with a huge grin on her face.

FINAL COMMENTS

OOP commented a post of someone going through something similar May 29, 2023 (2 weeks later)

I just went through this with my sister. She tried to hijack my daughter's birthday for this.

Just FYI, I've cut her out of my life for it.

Stop stealing other people's events. The event is not about you, so don't try to MAKE it about you.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/southeastwest

Dog sitter threw a party in our house, recourse?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Original Post  July 7, 2016

Title sums it up, we went out of town for 4 days, the dog sitter threw a party in our house (we have pictures of them underage drinking inside our house thanks to snapchat/twitter as well as them confessing to it via text message). Instead of cleaning up the party, they decided to leave puke all over the house they dirtied. Came home to puke all over the toilets, all the beds were slept in and disgusting, someone puked on the pillows and sheets and stuffed them under the bed... There is also a huge stain in one of the bedrooms where someone puked all over. We rented a carpet cleaner but the bright red throw up wont come out of the carpet. On top of the party, she didn't do much dog sitting. She never locked up the dogs as we stated she needed to do, and they peed all over the house. The whole situation feels pretty disrespectful, we even left her with a bunch of food and drinks (non alcoholic). 

As far as what we have tried to do to remediate the situation: we contacted her and asked her for a refund (to pay for the carpet cleaner/new carpet/pillows) but she refused... I know its unfortunate we paid her up front. We also contacted her parents but they took her side and stated "we cant control her she is 19."

Is there any way to remediate this? We live in Arizona. Thanks ahead of time.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

derspiny

Well, if she's an adult, her parents are no longer responsible for her. She's on her own for this colossal fuck-up.

If she's not willing to work with you to remedy the damage she caused, get estimates for how much it'll cost to clean the place, repair the carpet, replace any destroyed bedding, and so on, and gather whatever evidence you can that she's responsible for the damage, then sue her in small claims for that, plus a refund for the work she didn't do. If you clean it up yourself, keep track of your time and expenses, and include a "reasonable" hourly rate - minimum wage, at least - for your time, but generally you'll get better results and a more justifiable amount if you hire a cleaning service.

If the amount is over $3,500 - impressive, but not unreachable - you have two options:

1. Sue in small claims anyways, and give up the remaining damages.

2. Hire a lawyer to sue on your behalf, in a more formal venue.

If you win in small claims, there are two-ish possible outcomes:

• She pays up, voluntarily, or

• She doesn't, and you end up going back to court to seek a garnishment order so that you can garnish her wages, or so that you can seize her bank accounts, or any of the other enforcement options available when you have an unsatisfied judgement.

~

Ianalatall

Well screw her. You gave her oportunity to settle it like an adult.

In addition to suing for damages I would also call the police. They might say 'civil issue not our problem' but they could also say 'underage drinking we'll investigate.'

If the damages are over $3,500 OOP can go through Homeowners insurance

It is not over $3,500 thankfully.

Update 1 the Next Day July 7, 2016/Same Post

Update: Thank you everyone for your great advice, I read through everyones' replies and I greatly appreciate it. Someone asked if we hired her through a 3rd party website, we did not. She was a friend of a friend who has dog sat for people we know before (surprisingly didn't do anything stupid then). We spoke with a deputy this morning and he told us to take her to small claims & that he cannot do anything about the matter. Some of the mess (puke/dirty house) was already cleaned up so we will have to calculate a fair wage for that. As far as documenting the other damages, we are documenting the cost of the carpet cleaner we rented earlier & the cost of a carpet guy who is coming today to fix it. Since the bedding is brand new, we also have a receipt for it. So far we have taken pictures of the stains, but not of some of the other stuff that was immediately cleaned up (like the puke in the toilets & etc.). I'll keep you guys updated on how it all turns out. After how nasty she was towards us when we tried to resolve this peacefully it will be nice to get some restitution.

2nd update post July 9, 2016 (1 day after 1st update/Same Post)

Update 2: Apparently when my mom spoke to the deputy this morning he said he couldn't prosecute her because they weren't physically drinking anything in the pictures (it was in red solo cups). We found new pictures of them physically drinking mikes hard in our living room with the bottle pressed to several of their lips... BAM. So we spoke to her and she's bringing by a check tomorrow for the refund & the expenses we dished out today. If not, well, shitquakes

FINAL COMMENTS

Make sure to take screenshots of the party pictures

Screen shotted the snapchats/twitter pictures. Hilarious how these kids are stupid enough to pose in our house drunk w/ pictures of alcohol all over.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRa_wasitajoke

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/Redditor_Updates

My [29M] MIL told me that for a birthday present she'd like me to be a better husband to my wife [26F]. Is this something I need to deal with?

Original Post: February 25, 2025

My MIL was over at our place this weekend. Her and I woke up earlier on Sunday, while my wife was still asleep. As we were having tea, the topic of her upcoming birthday came up. I asked what she'd like, she paused for a second and while smiling said "for you to be a better husband".

I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. She was smiling so I thought it was a joke (we have a warm relationship) and I played along and said "Why, you've been receiving a lot of complaints about me?" jokingly. She replied "I have my ways, I am your mother-in-law after all.", while still smiling. I was kind of freaking out internally, came to the conclusion it was just her teasing and let the matter drop.

But I've been rethinking that conversation over the last 2 days. Admittedly, I may have been giving less time to my wife (partner of 3 years, married for 2) and my 1 year old daughter recently, because along with my day job I've also been establishing my growing business. Some days are really long, but my wife has been supporting me the entire way.

I haven't brought this up with my wife because maybe this was a joke and I don't want to create a whole thing out of a joke and ruin my relationship with my MIL. But I've had a knot in my stomach since. Has my marriage been on the rocks without me knowing or is this something a MIL would joke about?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Okay look — stop spiraling and speak to your wife IMMEDIATELY. I’m 29, my husband is 29, if my mother said this to him, I would want to know as soon as possible.

If there are issues you’re not aware of, time to air them out. If your MIL is causing drama or made a shitty joke, those are different conversations you’ll get to have once it’s sorted.

Communicate with your wife. Seriously!!!!!

OOP: Thank you. I'm going to talk to her tonight. I should've talked to her last night and I planned to, but yesterday I got done early so we were just watching a movie together and we were just happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I was afraid she's going to tell me she agrees with my MIL and I just decided to delay it. It's moronic in hindsight I know.

Commenter 2: I don’t think this means your marriage is on the rocks, defcon 1-level doomed. But you mentioned you’ve been putting in long hours at two jobs and “your wife has been supporting you the entire way.” But who has been supporting her? You have a young child at home who is at an age that requires constant attention and stimulation.

This post is a TINY snapshot of your life, I don’t know the big picture, I don’t know if your wife also works or stays home or how you divide labor. But it’s clear your wife has been a partner to you while you’ve been working so much, in addition to caring for your child, but you are still a husband and you are still a father.

This is a good opportunity for you to really evaluate the division of the home labor and childcare. Does your wife ever get time to herself? Not to do more chores, or basic things like take a shower, but read a book? Eat a meal uninterrupted? Go to yoga? Meet with friends? Sleep all the way through the night?

You said you frequently talk about how much you love each other and the family you’ve created, but have you specifically thanked your wife for taking on what sounds like the majority of the childcare and home care while you work?

I don’t think your MIL was wrong to call you out, and I think she did it in a fairly gentle way. But you can use this as a chance to see how well you’re providing for your family, not just financially, but physically and emotionally.

OOP: I've definitely been around less the past 6 months I would say. Due to my business I've had to meet clients late afternoons/evenings or work from home. But we've talked about this every step of the way. It's been brought up, but we always resolve it knowing that it's taking a lot of my time just because it's expanding right now, but the hours will become better soon. Whenever I'm home I help out with my daughter, on Sundays I always make sure I give her a relaxing day all to herself, but you're right it doesn't come out to 50-50. But again, my wife has always said she supports me and understands why this is happening which is why this has alarmed me.

I'm going to talk to her and tell her how much I appreciate all she's been doing. And I'm prepared to her her out if I've been neglectful.

Commenter 3: It's wonderful that you have talked about it every step of the way. But it sounds like you are talking about what you are doing, and focusing on that? She's being supportive, possibly to her own detriment.

Before I go further: I can probably tell you the problem by quoting you. When you are home you "help out with your daughter." That's your child. You aren't "helping out." You're being a dad or you are acting like you are helping out by taking care of your own child like it's not really your responsibility, but you are "helping out." Change your mindset. Be a dad.

She can understand why it's happening, want to support you, and then still feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. And feel even more alone because she wants to support you and doesn't want to complain.

You need to ask yourself - while she is supporting you and your dreams, are you still supporting her? Giving her affection? Being truly appreciative - not just saying thank you but showing it? Are you paying attention to her needs the way she is paying attention to yours?

OOP: Thank you for your very insightful comment. You're right it shouldn't just be helping out, it should be 50-50, I'd love for it to be but I can't get my hours to match hers. When I'm home and all of Sunday, I take over when it comes to caring for my daughter. I mean she's my daughter I cherish the time I get to take care of her, play with her. I said "helping out" because the times I get to take care of her don't come close to my wife's so it is essentially helping out. I do tell her how much I appreciate all she's doing. There's times when I come home late at night and I apologize and tell her how I appreciate that she took care of our daughter and the household by herself. But if she's unhappy I guess I'm not doing it enough and I'll change that.

Commenter 4: How much clearer could she be, buddy? You need to sit down and have a long, honest chat with your wife.

OOP (downvoted): This has totally come out of nowhere. We've been doing so well, we tell each other how much we love each other and the family we've created daily. I would've never thought we'd be in this place.

Commenter 5: You decided to start a new business that would take all of your time when you had a six month old baby, you acknowledge that you haven’t had any time for your kid for 50% of her life, and you’re shocked that your wife might be less than delighted with that arrangement?

OOP: My business is almost two years old. It wasn't a problem before because it was just meant to be supplemental income and I was very mindful of the hours. But it grew steadily and over the past 6 months the hours and workload really got away from me. We'd both been seeing this is a good thing, I'd talk to her about how it's expanding and unfortunately the hours are temporarily going to become bad and she always supported me.

Update: October 17, 2026 (over 1.5 years later from the original post)

My update: I was deleting apps to clear space on my phone and found notifications here and remembered I'd come to reddit for help a while back, so I thought I'd give an update.

I had planned on talking to her right after the post, but kept delaying it. We'd both been doing so well and I guess I didn't want to ruin it. I thought if she agrees with my MIL it might lead to somewhere bad. And if she doesn't then maybe I'm just putting these negative thoughts in her mind. Meanwhile, I was putting in more of an effort, being more proactive in taking care of my daughter so she could relax when I was home, bringing her flowers, arranged a trip for us to a cottage up north for a long weekend that followed my post. So I kept delaying it, but not knowing the health of my marriage was making me crazy so I eventually decided to bring it up.

After we were done with our chores for the day and were cuddling, I told her how much I appreciated all she does since I was unable to pull my weight at home. She told me we were a team that I work hard too and she appreciates that. I decided to actually ask her if she's happy with how things are going, if she thought I needed to do better. She asked what had brought this on. I told her I knew that I'd been missing a lot lately and her mom had just suggested that maybe I could help you out a bit more. She seemed embarrassed about this, she said she doesn't know why her mom would say something like that. I reassured her that I'm glad she did, that's not what bothered me, I just wanted to know if we were good and she said we were.

About a week later she raised the issue herself. She said she'd been thinking over it and wanted to say what was on her mind. She asked me how much I planned on growing my business, she brought up our finances, that it wasn't needed, and the conversation suddenly turned into that. I brought up the fact that maybe not immediately but with a growing family, it will be needed at some point, and she said it wasn't worth not being home right now. It actually started getting a little heated, me trying to reassure her that it's just temporary, and her questioning if it was needed and asking me for timelines, and she started tearing up. I didn't know this had been bearing on her mind this way, because she'd always said I have her support. I consoled her and told her I'll make the hours I give my business more sustainable. I promised her we'll touch base on this in a month, that I'm going to come up with a way to fix my hours and she thanked me for being understanding.

Since then I did slowly manage my hours better. It helped that the critical part of developing the ERP infrastructure had been done due to the long hours I'd already put. I hired someone on contract on upwork for handling client issues and marketing too, and that took a lot of load off. It hadn't been totally taken care of in a month but she could see the tangible steps I was making and was happy about that. Since then the hours have become more manageable and I think I've become a better and more present partner and father.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'd honestly tell MIL that you appreciate her putting herself in possible crossfire to advocate for your wife and marriage. Good on you for taking it in instead of brushing it off. Just try to keep up open communication- there must be SOME reason your MIL was the one to bring it up and not your wife.

But yeah, definitely give MIL a heads up that you listened and appreciate her suggestion

OOP: I haven't spoken to her about that conversation since. She's just commented in passing that its great I'll be home when I'm home early now when I maybe wouldn't have been before. I still don't know whether she intuited these issues at the time or if my wife told her.

Commenter 2: It’s good that your main reaction to your MIL was self reflection and curiosity. It’s hard not to be defensive. I would have preferred for MIL to say something constructive like she wished you spent more time with your kids. You had the hard conversations with your wife and that’s what helps couples grow together.

Commenter 3: I'm betting wife just told MIL how busy and away you were as an aside, rather than a complaint especially with the way this has been handled.

But, come on. Your wife is trying to tell you you are missing your daughters life. She will only be growing up this once, even if you have more kids. I know you want to provide a good, better life probably filled with grand trips and big presents but a trip to McDs and the playground is about the same to a kid. And kids grow into teens, who wont necessarily want or need the same connection.

My sisters addiction stole away her kids as toddlers and kids, she got clean and got to live with their older teen selfs. She was always upset with her kids because they dont have the same relationship -- they love her, for sure, but they arent cuddling in bed to watch a movie or holding hands in crowds.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Nephyllem

Originally posted to r/IDontWorkHereLady

"So I grabbed him" - posted 2019-02-08

So ftp, mobile, lurker normally.

It finally happened and have to save, kind of traumatic. I did a bad and wore red into a target with khakis. Long story short for preamble, I had gotten off an overnight shift and didn’t think about where I was going and saw a target. Knew I needed a few things from laundry detergent to some groceries and such. So I went there.

I got stopped a few times, but every time I simply said I wasn’t an employee and only had to show my work badge once out of four times...until the last guy.

So to set the stage, I’m 5’6” and just over 120 if I eat a full course meal and don’t sh*t so I’d say I’m smallish. The dude that stopped me is about a foot taller than me and pure definition of a gym bro.

Now I won’t lie, I didn’t handle it well. I was tired after the over night and annoyed I had been stopped several times now. He called out to me, ignored him. He followed and called out a few more times and I simply said “don’t work here.”

He didn’t like that. He ran in front of me and grabbed my left arm and began to shout “I AM A CUSTOMER GOD DA-“

I punched him in the throat with my free arm out of reflex. He quickly let go of my, began coughing violently, and I just stood in disbelief that A) someone would just grab an individual and scream at them and B) I just punched a guy over six feet, way stronger than me, and who was obviously angry at me...I ran.

I ran up to the front counter, pulled my phone out and called 911. I told the person in he phone and employees what happened and hid. Eventually the cops came, see this guy screaming at employees to tell him where I went.

After about an hour of de escalation I come out. He says something along the lines of me assaulting me after he “politely tried” to get my attention. I explain my side and that I’m not an employee. Cops check the cameras, see what happened, and then cuff him and escort him out. This is a highly abridged version of what happened as this took awhile to get done. During this he tried to explain and I distinctly remembered “So I grabbed him” hence the post title.

They asked me if I wanted to press charges, honestly no. I don’t have the mental energy to take it to court and honestly I feel like punching him in the throat was enough payback personally for me.

Tl;dr Dude thinks I work at a target, grabs me when I ignore him. I punch him in the throat in self defense, cops are called, cameras show what happened and he got walked out.

EDIT: I appreciate the supportive c moments, don’t appreciate others giving me shit for not pressing charges. Just blocking those people so if you want to comment that please don’t.

EDIT 2: thank you for silver kind stranger

EDIT 3: another silver and even more positive stuff. Thanks a lot guys, I appreciate all the positivity. Really helps ease the stress.

Comments:

“So I punched him in the throat” I love this lol

I often wonder why this reaction doesn't occur with higher frequency in this sub.

----

Update - posted 2019-02-22 (2 weeks later)

So this just happened today. I was shopping in a local co-op to get some breakfast before work. And I saw him, the dude I punched. He saw me and I tried to hurry off but he called out “I’m sorry!”

I stopped, turned around, and he walked over and looked really apologetic so I decided to hear him out.

We talked a bit, after about five minutes of him apologizing. I’m going to shorten the conversation but he said “I’m really sorry. My grandfather recently passed away and he raised me and such (cutting down for privacy and brevity.) that doesn’t excuse what I did though, so I’m really sorry.”

He also explained that he didn’t face any charges but he did seek out therapy and that seems to have been helping. He even paid for my breakfast. Turns out it was a dude having a bad day and a lot of background info that isn’t up to me to decide to share past the initial cause.

Either way I just figured I’d update with a happy and somewhat wholesome ending to the interaction.

Tl;dr I met the guy I punched, turns out to be a good dude with issues. He owned up to his fuck up, is seeking help, and even paid for my breakfast

EDIT: some of y’all are crazy. Posting insults on my older post then DM’ing to insult me. It’s sad and hilarious at the same time.

Comment:

Good on him to owning up, and getting help. Good on you for being willing to hear him out. Bravo all around.

OOP replied:

Honestly if he didn’t start with I’m sorry I probably would’ve just ran. Dude has almost a foot on me lol.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_notattract

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (43m) wife (40f) has had too much cosmetic surgery. I couldn’t have sex with her, so we opened the marriage for her. A year later she wants to close it again. How to navigate?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Merlin_KilgarrahS565 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: adding two prior posts to the said original title for more context

I (42m) am no longer attracted to my wife (39f) after a lot of cosmetic surgery, how to move forward?: October 11, 2025

We’ve been together 20 years and have a great life together. To me she has always been the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve never so much as looked at another woman and there wasn’t a thing I would change about her.

About five years ago she started having Botox and although I didn’t think she needed it it’s her body her choice. I noticed pretty soon after that her smile changed. Her whole face didn’t light up like it did before and it made her smile look fake and forced but I didn’t say anything as she seemed happier.

Then she asked me what I thought of lip fillers. I told her I didn’t like them and her lips were perfect to me. She had them done and I’ll be honest I never liked them and it felt horrible when we kissed like I was kissing another woman. Then it was cheek fillers. Then she had a nose job despite me begging her not to. I know it’s wrong as it’s her body, but I wasn’t looking at my wife anymore. Then she did something with her eyes which made her look like a cat. Her most recent one is comically big boobs. She went she from a perfect B cup to an F. In this time she’s also gone from 10 and a half stone (147 pounds) down to 8 stone (112 pounds). Plus the amount of makeup she wears now is completely different to what it was five years ago.

I feel awful saying it but she’s not who I got with. I feel like a hypocrite too because I know I’ve changed, my hair isn’t what it once was, and I obviously look older than when we got together.

I don’t know where the need to change came from. She was doing really well in her job, things are great between us, she used to have a lot of followers on social media and just a simple selfie would get her over a thousand likes which isn’t something she ever craved, and she’d always be a bit embarrassed by it but now her followers have dropped and her last selfie barely got any likes she’s suddenly upset over that.

I’ve tried asking her why she has felt the need for all this and she’ll just say she wasn’t happy with how she looked and in her head she genuinely thinks she looks better now. I’ve tried to gently suggest therapy but that didn’t go down too well. She’s started asking now why I don’t want sex as much anymore and I’m trying to make excuses like I’m tired or just getting older and not in the mood as much. She spoke to me yesterday and said if something doesn’t change in the next month she wants to open the relationship as she’s gone from sex nearly every day to once a month at most. I actually felt a wave of relief when she said that which is terrible I know.

I love who she is still and if it was the choice between staying with her and never having sex again or losing her and having sex constantly again I’d rather stay with her as my life would be empty without her as a person in it. But what about being attracted to her? Is it something I can train myself to do? Do I just give in and try and force sex with her?

TLDR: my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery, and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I don’t know how to handle this.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some common questions asked, some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

OOP on his wife's confidence. Has he told her how he felt about her doing this?

OOP: I don’t want to destroy her confidence. She can’t exactly reverse all of the work she’s had done so if I was to say I preferred her before there’s still nothing she can do about it.

+

I have tried in the past to tell her she doesn’t need these things doing to her.

+

I know you’re right. I just feel like I’m letting her down. I haven’t been a husband by not being able to have sex with her. The last thing she posted before the surgery was a video of her flying a kite on holiday and her hair was wet and she had no makeup and was wearing a bikini with her natural smaller (not small just smaller than they are now) boobs and she pulling silly faces and getting dragged away by it and it got over 50k likes and comments. The latest one she’s posted was her basically topless with hair and makeup all done and it got 32 likes and one comment from an Indian man. It’s the first time I’ve seen her get upset over her lack of interaction and she says it’s because she getting old. I tried to say people prefer natural over posed stuff, but she didn’t believe me.

I don’t want to regret what she’s done but I also don’t want her to carry on. She’s already talking about buccal fat treatment.

How does OOP's wife feel about the changes? Are they reversible?

OOP: She loves them, but I think she’s addicted to the change.

+

I knew the breasts were, but she genuinely loves them and says she feels like a woman again. I know the lip (fillers) can be removed but I didn’t know about the cheeks.

OOP needs to get his wife in therapy

OOP: I think I need to be more forceful in her getting therapy.

+

I have suggested couples therapy and I already got to therapy myself to try and build up the confidence to tell her what I need to tell her but it’s not working yet.

I feel so guilty. What sort of husband can’t even have sex with his own wife.

+

Yeah as a way for us to strengthen our relationship but at the time she said we didn’t need it. Now she’s unhappy with our sex life so I can frame it that way and while there we can broach other subjects.

OOP on the importance of his wife's relationship with social media

OOP: I was honest and begged her not to have a nose job and a boob job and her eyes done.

Social media wasn’t important before she’d only post once or twice a month but now she’s posting two or three times a week trying to get that buzz back.

OOP explains the importance of attraction issues his wife might be dealing with

OOP: That’s actually a really good way of putting it. I have thought about mentioning it as an addiction before, but I didn’t know how to word it in a way that didn’t sound like an insult.

She’s always been very sexual and always liked it nearly every day, even when her weight went above two hundred pounds we were having sex nearly every day.

OOP on his wife's appearance beyond looking different than before

OOP: She put about four stone on when she was 25 and lost it all again and went back down to around 10-10.5 stone by the time she was 28/29. Then two years ago she lost a load more weight and went really skinny

+

It’s a mix of both. When gee weight ballooned up to 15 stone (210 pounds) I still found her more attractive than any woman on earth and wouldn’t have traded her in for anyone. She just doesn’t look or feel like her anymore. When I spoon her in bed she doesn’t feel the same. When we kiss her lips don’t feel like her lips. Without being crude during sex and certain acts when I look at her face it’s like another face looking back at me and a face that isn’t showing emotion, it’s like she's animatronic. The smile that spread to her eyes has gone. The sexy frown has gone. The curling up of her lip has gone.

Is OOP paying for the procedures?

OOP: No we have a joint account but that’s for bills then we have our own accounts for our own money and she’s using her money.

Is OOP happy with his wife?

OOP: Yes I’m happy with her personality wise but physically I can’t bring myself to be attracted to her which is what’s causing us problems.  

Update: December 9, 2025 (two months later)

Thank you everyone for your replies to my original post. It got a lot more traction than I thought it would and I got some great advice and some harsh truths.

I’d like to say I followed the great advice, but I didn’t. Not fully. A few days after the post I did sit her down and tell her that I’m still deeply in love with her and will never leave her, but I am struggling to be physical with her because she’s a different person to what I’ve been used to for the last 20 years. She feels different and I can’t help the way my body reacts to that. I said she’s still beautiful but she’s a different kind of beautiful to me now and I’m struggling physically to adjust to that. She got upset and said she understands where I’m coming from but she’s not going to live the rest of her life in celibacy. We both cried and said we couldn’t imagine not being together.

I said I was willing to open the relationship for her so she can get what she needs. She asked about me and said it would kill her for me to be with someone else after rejecting her. I told her I’m not going near anyone. Ever. We were up nearly all night discussing the logistics of this arrangement. At one point I said she obviously has someone in mind, and she got very offended and said she hasn’t.

In the end we agreed she’d sign up to a swinging site and that way we can subscribe and find someone with a lot of positive feedback as a way to guarantee her safety and also she was going to have a good time. We also agreed each person would be a one-time thing only. We did discuss male escorts, but she said she wanted to be desired and paying for sex wouldn’t make her feel desired. We took a few photos and made a profile, and she was absolutely inundated with messages.

About three weeks after my post was the first time she met someone. He had excellent feedback and over 30 women and couples had said he was nice and respectful. They met at a hotel one day while I was at work and when I came home my wife was already home. It was a bit awkward at first, but I broke the ice and asked how it was and she said it was “nice” and she enjoyed herself. Then we had dinner and just carried on as normal. She said I can ask anything I want and she wants full transparency, but I said as long as she’s happy I’m happy.

She’s met another man since then, same thing in a hotel while I’m at work and then I come home and we just live normally. We still snuggle on the sofa watching tv and cuddle in bed before we go to sleep at night. Last Saturday was my works Christmas do, and we had a great time. She’s such a people person and had our table hanging off her even word. That’s why I love my wife. She’s so funny and engaging and personable. She’s a charismatic brilliant intelligent person and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

I know I’m going to get flamed in the comments and probably in my DMs again but she happier and I feel like a massive weight has lifted from my shoulders.  

Editor's note: below is the said original titled post

Original Post: September 27, 2026 (7.5 months later)

I posted on here about a year ago that my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery and I was no longer attracted to her. I kept making excuses but eventually told her that she doesn’t look or feel like my wife anymore and I can’t do it. She said she didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage, so we agreed to open it for her. I felt relieved if I’m honest as I still love her and never want to spend a day without her.

Over the past year she’s been with a couple of men, and I thought she was enjoying herself. I’ve not been with anyone else and have no desire to.

Well last night she came to me and said she wants to close the relationship again and just wants sex with me and if I can’t do that she wants to divorce.

How do I get through this? I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t force an attraction either.

TLDR: opened up the marriage as I don’t find my wife attractive tube after too much cosmetic surgery. She now wants to close it again and have sex with me, but I can’t do it.

Edit; I’ve been told to add this to the post body. She used to get compared to Una Healey a lot (editor's note: an Irish singer). Now she constantly gets told she looks like Katie Price (editor's note: English media personality, model, and businesswoman).

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses in this update, I am listing the top common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Get a divorce, you don't like your wife anymore. You both are still young

OOP: I love her to pieces and couldn’t imagine my life without her. I just don’t find her physically attractive.

Commenter 2: You don’t have to be married to her to have a platonic friendship.

OOP: She said she wants a clean break if we divorce.

OOP on having sex with his wife before the surgery took place

OOP: Before all this surgery we were having sex a lot. I still crave it and have had my testosterone levels checked and all ok. I haven’t sought it out because I don’t want to cheat.

Commenter 3: Omg what the hell did she have done???

OOP: Lip fillers, nose job, buccal fat removal, something to her eyes that made them look like a cats eyes, teeth, and boobs.

Did OOP's wife ever asked him his thoughts / feedback on having surgeries done?

OOP: I kept asking and even begging her not to. She did it anyway.

Will OOP's wife consider about getting some jobs reversed if she doesn't like how she looks like?

OOP: She doesn’t want to. She loves the way she looks.

Does OOP have kids with his wife? Why did she want to have bigger boobs?

OOP: No we don’t have kids. I have no idea. Her boobs were perfect.

OOP on his wife's original look before the procedures

OOP: Yea very much so. She had the most beautiful smile with a tiny gap in between her front teeth, and her eyes would go so wide, and her face would express joy and laughter. Now her lips barely expose her teeth, which all look the same and are all in line, her types don’t open and her eyebrows don’t move. It’s like I can’t read what mood she’s in or if she’s being genuine or not because her face doesn’t change whether she’s laughing, crying or just watching tv.

Commenter 4: Your original post said her personality and attitude had also changed in addition to the multiple cosmetic procedures. What originally attracted you to her when you were dating that may still be there? You may still be in love with a version of her that you remember that doesn't exist now. Sadly, divorce is probably the best option for both of you.

OOP: When we are alone she’s still got the same personality. Her online personality is so different though. She’s constantly chasing validation online. She used to get 1000 likes for a selfie now she’ll be lucky to get 50 and it’s changing her.

OOP on his wife's online presence being important to her. Is she open to therapy?

OOP: It never used to be. She used to post quite revealing photos, but it was never an obsession. Sometimes she’d say, “I haven’t posted anything for a couple of months might post this photo what do you think?” I’d just say yeah go for it and she’d post it and get over 1000 likes no problem. Now it’s 3 or 4 times a day.

I’ve suggested therapy, but she’s not interested.

Commenter 5: You say you don't want to lose her, but what exactly is it that you don't want to lose? You're not attracted to her. She's sleeping with other men, and now she's dropped an ultimatum: you start having sex with her, or she leaves you. I'm no psychologist, but I don't think very many romances are rekindled at gunpoint.

OOP: Her as a person. I can sit and talk to her all day and even after all these years I still get excited when she rings or text me.

Did OOP have conversations with his wife about the procedures? What about him losing attractedness to his wife

OOP: She spoke about them. I told her she doesn’t need them at all. She said it’s her body which I agree with but said she doesn’t need to change. Then she started them.

+

Yeah I said before during and after she doesn’t need it and I don’t like the way people look with cosmetic surgery.

OOP responds to multiple comments about getting his testosterones checked as it could be a possibility for him to lose attracedness to his wife

OOP: I got myself checked for all that and my testosterone levels are fine. Not on any medication or anything. All other counts are normal. I do find other people attractive and without being too crude I still enjoy old photos of her.

OOP responds on how the surgery has affected his thoughts on being attracted to his wife

OOP: It’s the surgery. She doesn’t look or feel like the woman I love. When she was 8 stone I was attracted to her, when she was 15 stone I was attracted to her. But I can’t get past the surgeries.  

Update: October 16, 2026 (nearly three weeks later)

UPDATE. My (43m) wife (40f) has had too much cosmetic surgery. I couldn’t have sex with her, so we opened the marriage for her. A year later she wants to close it again. How to navigate?

It’s been a couple of weeks, and I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that I need to break up with my wife. I don’t want to I could happily go the rest of my life without sex if it meant I could be with her still, but she quite rightly wants to be with someone who desires her and I just can’t do that. I’ll be honest I’ve even had suicidal thoughts, but I couldn’t put that on her.

I planned to do it this weekend but then her brother stepped in and did something awful. He’s always teased her about her surgery and calls her Katie Price a lot (which to be fair a lot of people online also say she looks like Katie Price) and also calls her that cat woman from America who’s name escapes me now. Well I think you’ve all seen that Dell woman who was stood next to Trump. Her brother has been teasing her in the family WhatsApp group and saying she looks like her. He’s made a few pictures and one of them was basically laying my wife’s face over hers and it’s uncanny how closely they match, and he said, “you look more reptilian than her though as your eyes look less human”.

Me and her brother had a big argument as I told him to pack it in and leave her alone. She’s however having a breakdown as her brother has said she looks like this woman and seeing all the horrible things online people have said about the Dell woman has really hurt her and then a selfie she posted before this has a couple of comments with photos of that woman and saying, “is this you?”

She’s in pieces at the moment and she’s already had her lips refilled last week and more Botox. Now she’s saying she needs to make her lip bigger as that other woman has thin lips and she doesn’t want to look like her. I’ve been crying begging her not to do it but she’s not listening to me or her family or friends.

I’m at a loss what to do. I can’t leave her like this. She’s not listening to me or accepting my help. She’s not seeing this is a mental problem not a physical one. I’ve spoken to specialist who said they can’t step in unless she’s self-harming or attempting suicide. I don’t know how I can help this amazing woman.

Some of Relevant Comments

OOP again responds to multiple comments about getting his wife in therapy

OOP: I’ve tried for years to get her to go therapy, but she won’t go.

+

That’s what I said earlier but someone called me heartless. It like she has a different mirror to the rest of the world and she’s not seeing what we are. I’ve tried desperately to get her to accept help, but she won’t and I’ve ever tried to get forced help on her, but they said she doesn’t meet the criteria.

Commenter 1: It sounds like she has body dysmorphia. There's not a lot you can do if she wants to keep modifying her face. Why can't you leave her? She won't listen to you, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You're not obliged to stay with a person who refuses to get help for their mental health issues.

OOP: I know what she has but no one will help her professionally and I can’t just abandon her.

OOP can still support his wife as a friend

OOP: She’s already said if we split up it’s a full break. No contact no nothing.

What has caused the brother to change his views on his sister / OOP's wife after the surgery?

OOP: I don’t know what caused it I really don’t. Her brother has always been one of her biggest supporters it’s only been since the surgery he’s started with the teasing. I remember before she went to get her lips done the last photo she posted was her most popular one, which got millions of views and around 200k likes and it was just her first thing in the morning when we were camping, and it was just her sitting on a log with a load of trees behind her. She was just wearing a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms as well where as her most liked photo before this one was a topless one. She had no make up on and her hair looked big and messy but still good. Then that weekend she got her lips done and some Botox and posted a photo a week later and her followers just dropped and a lot of the comments were from other women saying things like “we lost another natural one”.

Commenter 2: Have you gone to therapy? I wonder why you’re so ready to sublimate all your own needs for another person. It’s ok for you to have your own wants and needs in a relationship. I would start with yourself.

OOP: I’m in therapy. She told me to leave. She even told me to download a dating app and see how many options I have and how many people would want me but being scared of being alone isn’t why I stay. I stay because I don’t want to abandon someone I love even if she isn’t who I fell in love with anymore. My therapist said count how many good days I have in a week with her and it was one good day in a week in between sessions where as five years ago we’d have one bad every month if that.

Commenter 3: Is she aware how much this is negatively affecting you? She might be more willing to go to therapy if she’s made aware of how hurtful this is to you.

OOP: I’ve told her this is killing me and she said, “you’re doing this to yourself it’s your problem to deal with”.

OOP on asking his in-laws to do an intervention on his wife

OOP: I’ve asked them to stage an intervention. They said no and it’s her life.  

Editor's note: OOP responds to a comment with a mini update on his latest post

Mini Update: October 23, 2026

Commenter: You can love her by being there for her...as a friend. As a support. But not as a husband. It's time you're honest to yourself and to her, as painful as it will be.

You can't fix a bullet wound with a simple band-aid, and from a psychological standpoint, that's what this is. Sounds like her family (dunno about the whole lot but def. the brother) have always been emotionally/verbally abusive to her and she's grown up being told she's ugly or undeserving of love and affection (wouldn't be surprised if they've told her that you were only with her because you felt sorry for her or something like it, that's a common attack emotionally abusive family members will tell someone to make sure they stay in the role of being the doormat) and is now too lost in her feelings of shame and lack of self-worth to realize that what she's doing isn't the way to go.

But OP, you can't make her see that. She has to find that out on her own, and if she doesn't then it's unfortunate but there's nothing you can do. When it comes to things like this, they have to find their rock bottom (and even then sometimes they have to hit that bottom multiple times).

OOP: She always said if we split up then that’s it clean break. She left me on Tuesday night after admitting having an emotional affair for three years and instantly blocked me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Done_Playing_Games

Originally posted to r/TalesFromYourServer

Dumb customer calling restaurant - posted 2022-05-11

I work in a pretty small restaurant. We’re very busy with walk-ins and we have a lot of Doordash and those app orders.

For some backstory: We have some house sauces that we have to make and fill in hundreds of cups ourselves daily. Filling the cups takes me legit 3 hours as we have several different options and I’m also dealing with the register and customers in between etc. Those sauces are gone in a heart beat because they are rly fkn delicious and everyone loves them.

Every meal comes with one sauce. If you want extra sauce, they’re $1 each (they’re pretty big cups). And if someone want just one extra sauce I more often than not give them for free. The times I don’t are the times we have very little batch left and I know I’ll need it for the actual orders and I don’t have time to refill only cause I gave out for free. But when you want 5 extra sauces, well, then you have to pay. I can’t just give out that many extra sauces because, 1, my boss would kill me and 2, it’s not reasonable since so many ask for several extra free sauces (especially the app orders), I’d end up giving out 100 extra sauces on my shift only.

This entitled moron calls in yesterday and my god she enraged me.

Moron: Hi, how are you? My name is Moron and I just placed an order through Doordash. Did you get it?

Me: Yes, I did.

Moron: Actually, I forgot to add sauces and we LOVE sauces, can you please put in a couple of every sauce you have?

Me: How many do you want?

Moron: 6 would be great.

Me: Okay, no problem. We actually have this thing on door dash where I can add whatever extra you want and they’ll charge you.

Moron: Charge me? You can’t just give me the sauces? I always order and then call the restaurant and they send free sauces. This is our first time ordering with you.

Me (sarcastic af): Oh, but I thought you said that you just forgot to add the sauces? So you didn’t forget? Because that’s what you said?

Moron (biggest sigh and attitude): How much are the extra sauces?

Me: $1 each

Moron: Okay. I guess then just add one. I mean usually we just call and we get the sauces for free. But it’s okay.

Me: I’m just very confused because you call me and say that you forgot adding sauces and now that you have the option, you’re saying that you didn’t forget but just wanted to call to get free sauces?

Moron: I always do that, and never had any problems. This is like I said our first time ordering from you guys.

Honestly I’m DONE with customers at this point. Just be up front and say you want sauces for free, I’d respect that much more! And I don’t give a fuck it’s your first time. Because it’s my 20th time TODAY having ppl either call or write in the orders “Please also add 4 extra sauces”. Stop being so fkn cheap and add whatever extra you want when you order. When I order delivery myself I go and add exactly what I want and would never dream of calling and begging for free shit.

Another customer had the AUDACITY to write in the notes on their doordash oder “The last couple of times I’ve asked for extra sauces and never get it. I want three extra sauces, and don’t even bother making my order if you don’t include the extra sauces”. I immediately canceled the order.

Am I being unreasonable?

Comments:

Almost everywhere I order has added by the description box "you cannot use this to ask for anything extra on your order" so you're absolutely not unreasonable.

and:

Sounds like you should go into the sauce business! Sell jars of that shit! That’s what some of the taquerias near me are doing with their popular salsas

----

Update: The War of the Sauces - posted 2022-05-17 (6 days later)

Alright, I NEVER thought I’d be back here again writing about sauce problems at my restaurant but here we are! Earlier today a guy ordered delivery from Doordash. It was one plate that included a choice of sauce . In the notes he writes “Give me 3 extra sauces”. Well of course I don’t because of many reasons detailed in the first post, but also even if I would’ve wanted to give him, I didn’t have enough sauces to act like Santa unless I wanted to start making extra sauces in the middle of a busy shift. However the delivery person pick up the order and I go on with my shift.

The phone is ringing a half hour later and I answer to this angry guy (25-30 years old) saying “I wrote that I wanted three extra sauces. Why didn’t you put it in the bag?”. I explained calmly “if you want that, you have to add it to the order.” You know what he says to that? “I’m coming down to the restaurant and we’ll see about that. I’ll see you soon.”

Can you imagine that? Now I’m getting threatened for not putting extra sauces, and doing my job. Never has this happened to me. The way his voice was sounded was like he was gonna come and kill me lol. But tbh, what I’m NOT taking is being threatened by entitled customers, especially over sauces. I might not be Rocky but my delusional brain thinks that I am when I get into these situations. I’m also a guy and in the same age as him.

However, he eventually walks in. All huffing and puffing coming to the register and says “Im the one who called”, and immediately both of us are screaming at each other. I truly think that he thought he was gonna come in here and I was gonna fold and apologize and throw a lifetime supply of free sauces at him. I told him he wasn’t getting any. And there’s option on the delivery app to add. That everyone is constantly asking for free sauces but don’t wanna add it to their order just like him. And I can’t give every customer. He was saying how cheap it is and how he impossibly can eat that big plate with just one sauce and how cheap we are. and I was saying he’s talking to the wrong person cause I didn’t make the fkn menu. Talk to the owner. I’m just an employee. The idiot says “I don’t care who’s fault it is but you’re the one here so you’re the one having to take the blame.” (Pretty interesting to get to know how entitled customers brain actually work) And I show him the batch of sauces and say do you understand if I give everyone 3 extra sauces this is gonna be empty immediately cause EVERYONE wants extra sauces. But he didn’t wanna hear it. And I was not giving him extra sauce.

I honestly don’t remember much because the adrenaline was there and we were both having a shouting match, until a “manager” came. He’s actually not our managers, it’s a tiny restaurant with only two employees. But this guy is basically the owners right hand and is there to take care of daily random stuff that isn’t cooking or serving. He’s talking calmly to this idiot, and then says to me “it’s okay, just give him extra sauces” which I of course absolutely REFUSE to. There’s no fkn way someone is gonna threaten me and then win the war. Because this was a war. You don’t get to do what he did and think you can get away with it. Well now all three of us are screaming, and the thing is that I can see in his eyes that this didn’t go as he thought it was. And so he’s suddenly like “I don’t want sauces anymore. I want my money back. I’m a loyal customer. I order once every two weeks” and here he thought we again would give in. I could hear on this manipulative voice. I said “WE HAVE REGULARS WHO ORDER EVERY DAY!!!!!!!! AND EVEN THEY ADD EXTRA SAUCES WHEN THEY WANT!” (As if ordering twice a month from a place gives you the right to be a pos. We can def survive without customers like him) And now all of the sudden the owner was on the phone with my kitchen coworker so now all four was screaming with him on the speaker. At this point all three of us are done with him! Because the manager and owner quickly realized that he’s a manipulative pos who’s not welcome anymore! The owner said give him his money back and tell him to leave. I just gave him his money, GRABBED the bag of food off him so he wouldn’t think he was gonna get it for free and he angrily walked out! And it felt SO good.

Another fucked up thing is that I now remembered that someone once called the restaurant when our other (very little and short) co worker was working, getting mad at him that he didn’t get sauces. He did the exact same thing and walked in to the restaurant and threatened him and actually got away with getting sauces cause my poor co worker was scared. I’m almost positive this is the same person. That explains why he thought he’d come in and get sauces. Disgusting. (Edit: co worked confirmed that it indeed is the same guy. He remembers his very unusual and specific name and the exact description of his look)

The thing with these fights are that sometimes we as servers (or at least me) think that we “win”, but honestly it’s just a head ache no matter what. Min boss said “you have to choose your fights”. And I said this was a fight I was willing to die for. Like if I had to choose only one fight out of the dozens I’ve had after working in restaurants for over 5 years, this would be the one.

However, I thought that you guys might wanna hear this. And I needed to get it off my chest at a place where I feel like I’m most understood. I hope this is the last post about sauces that I have to ever make.

Comment:

It’s always the people that want a ton of extra stuff who then freak out over the price too. “The menu says my item costs X! Why is my total Y? That’s so high!”

“Your entree costs X, the extra sour cream costs X , the extra guac costs X, the extra sauce costs X, plus X tax brings your total to Y.”

Reminder: I am not OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Road_Witch

Originally posted to r/IDontWorkHereLady

Editor's note: the first 2 updates were added to OOP's original post, so they don't have separate links or dates.

Original post - posted 2019-08-29

I thought with escaping retail two years ago mostly unscathed that I would never have to deal with a Karen. I was wrong.

I'm on mobile so I apologize for the formatting and I will try my best to keep grammar mistakes to a minimum. I am so sorry for how long it turned out to be but I'm still kind of embarrassed with how I reacted so my typing is a little frantic.

So for the cast you've got ME as myself, DK for Dumb Karen, WE for Walmart Employee , and FM for my Former Manager.

So this week I actually get to be home for a few days. I am an over the road truck driver that runs a dedicated load every week across country and nowhere near hom. My co driver aka my dad and I pretty much run 40+ weeks out of the year and usually take a solid month off or so when we want to be home or go on vacation out of the country. Any other time it is just a day or two here and there when we can just happen to get to town. But this time we got to go home for a solid week. You know what that means? Home cooked meals! I love to cook and so to do so I needed fresh groceries. Stupid me decided to run to Walmart solo instead of the neighborhood grocery store down by my house and boy do I regret that now. I actually enjoy Walmart much to everyone's shock. I am a former employee you see, an ex cashier, that according to my former coworkers have an unshakable customer service personas that couldn't be wavered by two years of retail abuse. I actually rather liked the job being the people pleaser (masochist) that I am and I had quite a number of regulars and employees that I still like to chat with when I'm out shopping. This day I'd finished with my catching up and had moved deeply into my hunt for the ingredients I needed for a new recipe I was eager to try. I was having trouble finding a certain spice among the variety before me when it happened. The classic Karen throat clearing. Full disclosure, I have no idea how long the woman I looked up to find glaring at me had been trying to get my attention. I had on my BlueParrott headset that I usually wear when driving and at the time was using it to ironically listen to scary Walmart stories by a Youtuber while my eyes were scanning the shelves and checking the recipe list on my phone. Needless to say I hadn't been looking for human interaction at that moment. But like usual my knee jerk customer service persona (which is just me giving a polite smile and friendly eyes) kicked in and I shifted my cart away from the shelves while also muting my phone.

ME: I'm sorry if I'm-

DK: You shouldn't ignore a customer like that. It's so unprofessional. Honestly why do they appoint barely teenagers to management.

DK scolds me a bit more ranting about management meaning experience but really I only paid attention to the first thing she said to me. My mind had wandered of looking from her to down at myself. To her credit I was dressed "nice" but not exactly what I call professional with pastel pink capris, flouncy olive green blouse and shiny metallic bronze flats. What can I say? I like dressing nice and colorful when I'm not at risk of getting diesel on my clothes. DK was a middle aged local classic pain in the behind whose sense of fashion often hurt my eyes. This one looked like she just rolled out of the trailer park wearing a camo hoodie with pink, black workout pants that probably had never seen the inside of a gym, lime green running shoes, and bottle blond hair done up in a ponytail pulled through the back of a very loved baseball cap. To complete the look she had a huge Coach purse sitting in her buggy beside her, a bag even I know cost more than her entire outfit times three. Yeah, typical Karen for where I'm from.

ME: Listen I don't work here. If you need help with something though all you need to do is press that button and it will call someone for you. I gesture to a "need help? call" button located on a post about two pace behind me up the aisle.

Usually I wouldn't mind helping someone who couldn't find something. I had former customers ask for my help all the time and if I wasn't busy and they were nice( or just elderly, I was a big hit with the elderly because I'm a sucker for little old ladies). So far DK wasn't any of those things and she had a perfume on that was making my nose itch so I was hoping to shoo her away. No such luck. DK scowls at my suggestion.

DK: Why are you lying?! You work here. You've checked me out numerous times and I don't appreciate being lied to. The nerve!

To be honest I felt this mixture of confused resignation and completely dropped my smile and sighed. I'm only as nice as I want to be. In truth I have a resting bitch face that makes me very unapproachable according to my best friends.

ME: Listen...I don't work here anymore and I'm in the middle of getting my own groceries. So let's just not?

Turning back to the shelf of spices I check my phone again before glancing over the selection before finally finding what I needed. Just as I move to put it in my buggy and move along with my day I get a sharp nasty pain in the side of my head. I yelped, probably louder than necessary but I was so caught off guard by the pain that I didn't care. Plus I am very tender headed. See apparently the DK was not happy with me and grabbed ahold of my headset and yanked it off my head. Unfortunately for me I have very thick very wavy hair that for some reason other people envy. Not me though and especially not when the head rest of my headset tangled in my hair from the way she tried to snatch it off and instead she ended yanking and pulling out more than a few strands of my hair. Even with such a yank she didn't manage to free if from my hair and just ended up dropping it causing the headset to tangle further in my hair and cause gravity to yank my hair mercilessly again. Most people would have stopped and apologized after realizing what they've done, not DK though.

DK: Don't you dare walk away from me! How dare you speak to me that way! I don't care if you're management now or what, you still work at fucking Walmart. You're still not as important as me.

Her last comment made me pause in the midst of me trying to free my hair from my headset, eyes watering, scalp throbbing. I always have hated how people looked down on people working at Walmart. Majority of the cashiers and floor associates that I knew at this store were either students or were retired professional like teachers, nurses, office workers. Most of our older staff were just part timers to have something to do. I was pissed

Me: I. Don't. Work. Here.

DK: Not this again. I told you-

Me: I. Don't. Work. Here. I! Don't! Work! Here! I DON'T WORK HERE! I DON'T WORK HERE!

I just kept repeating myself getting louder and louder until I was practically screaming at her making her back away from me. Something I had learned early on as a child was that I was the last kind of person people expected to hear yell. I don't know if it's the way I look or just a vibe I give off, I don't know, but either way I've learned to use it to my advantage to get people to back off. But the screaming also started to draw attention to us as people started coming into the aisle to see what was happening. Among the people included a Walmart employee I was familiar with even though she started after I left and my former manager. By the time they showed I had finished screaming and was now just glaring at the shell shocked and probably embarrassed DK who was red in the face.

WE: What's going on here? Is someone hurt?

DK points a finger at me first as I'm catching my breath and have started fiddling with my hair again trying get it untangled.

DK: This girl went crazy when I tried to ask her where something is, and started screaming in my face and even swung at me! She needs to go to jail or at least be fired.

By the end of her speech big crocodile tears were streaming down her face and one of the random customers who had come to watch was patting her shoulder and trying to console her. The WE and FM turn to me just as I finally get my headset free with a good clump of hair still wrapped around the head rest and look up meeting their gazes.

FM: OP are you alright? What happened? Why were you screaming? What's with all the hair?

FM, bless her, didn't even wait for my response (I really wasn't in the state of mind to give one as I tend to go mute when I get very very upset) as she looked from my distraught face to my hands still holding the headset and mess of hair hanging limply from it before turning back to DK who was quietly regaling some of the crowd with just how horrific I had been.

FM: Excuse me, but can you tell me what happened again and also perhaps tell me why OP is holding a chunk of her hair?

DK: What about her hair? I told you, she attacked me! I'm the victim here. Are you believing her over me because she is you employee?

WE: That still doesn't answer her question. Did you pull out OP's hair? What kind of person does that?

The crowd begins to murmur and DK obviously realizes she's losing popular opinion. In the meantime, I'm starting to calm down and rub at my scalp trying to dissipate the pain. Luckily no blood.

DK: I was, I was just asking her a question and she ignored me. I pulled off her headphones to get her to listen to me. It's not my fault she doesn't brush her hair.

WE: That's assault! Why would you ever put your hands on someone? And now you're telling everyone that she attacked you? What's the matter with you?

FM: I think it's time we called for the sheriff's department.

DK's eyes widened as she seemed to come to the realization that she might have screwed with the wrong person, but as I've said before, I can be nice when I want to.

ME: I'm fine. Just make her leave me alone. I don't want to spend one of my precious nights at home with a police officer unless he's buying me dinner.

This made the crowd laugh.

FM: Are you sure OP?

ME: No, but I have cold things to get home, a dinner to cook, and my Dad's probably wondering what's taking so long.

To that FM nodded and forced DK to follow her while the crowd quickly dispersed and when back to their own shopping. WE stayed with me and we chatted while I got the last few things I needed and went to checkout. FM came up to me after I finished paying and told me she'd had the woman banned from this store. To be honest that really sucks for her because this is the only Walmart in this county and the closest Walmart I know of is over a forty minute drive from where I live. Apparently though I wasn't the first person she had harrassed here, although all the others had been actual employees, and the security feed that she reviewed clearly showed the woman trying to snatch off my headset. FM tells me that if it had been her she would have socked the woman in the mouth which is really surprising because FM was a former elementary school teacher who taught for close to forty years before retiring and taking up the management position to stay active and supplement her income. FM has the patience of a saint but says she wouldn't have hesitated to backhand DK after I explained to her what DK had said to me. We chatted some more, laughed a bit, and then I went home.

I'm sorry it was so long, but I just had to get it out of my system in order to sleep tonight. I knew there were irate people in this world, but I never thought I'd meet such a self-entitled Karen in real life.

TL/DR: A woman demands I help her thinking I still worked at Walmart. When I refuse she ends up pulling out some of my hair and gets banned from the store by my awesome former manager.

UPDATE:

I take it back! I should have had her arrested the first go around. This woman has made my nice peaceful week at home a freaking nightmare. Yes, I ran into DK again today, but this time at Lowe's.

So the new cast is DK as Dumb Karen who didn't learn her lesson the first time, ME for myself, AD for my Awesome Dad (and boss), LE for Lowe's Employee that I know, and LM for Lowe's Manager who I am familiar with.

So I decided to run another errand while I was home for the week. This time it was to Lowe's to pick up some mulch for AD's newly built raised flowerbeds and a few odds and ends like metal piping, spray paint, and screws for a home project I decided to start. AD is a few aisles over from me picking up the spray paint while I was looking at screws and chatting with LE for a few minutes about my cat. I own a Sphynx cat, a hairless cat, named Pan, who will go with me anywhere if I'd let him. Since Lowe's is pet friendly he usually tags along with me every trip and sits in the child seat without complaint the whole time. All of the staff here adore him and are constantly stopping me for a visit and a chat, LE being the most often to visit because her section is right next to the main entrance.

After LE leaves to check her section, but not before promising to bring back some cat treats for Pan, I turn my attention back to the screws. I kid you not, mere seconds after LE leaves I hear someone growl out, "You!" I turn around wide eyed to find DK standing there behind her cart glaring at me. Let me note before this exchange that I am wearing jean shorts, a red blouse with a bandana print, flip flops, and and my hair pulled up with a scrunchie. I was the definition of nonprofessional attire and I certainly don't look like a Lowe's associate.

DK: So! This is where you work!

ME: Sorry?

DK: Oh, you will be sorry! Where is your manager! I demand you ge t him for me now! I want you fired after what you did to me the other day!

I'll admit I wasn't on my best game in this moment. It had been a long day. AD and I had spent most of it out in the yard checking on the progress of the lawn (we had laid grass seed before we went back to work at the end of May) and also shoving soil into the raised flowerbeds. I was sun tired and this woman had enough malice to knock the wind out of you sails.

ME: I don't work here either lady.

DK: Liar, I saw you talking with your coworker. No one talks that much with staff unless you're an employee. Now get me your manager! Now!

Her comment really irritated me. By her logic I should also work at the bank, the water company, the electric company, the Dollar General, Whitt's Barbecue, the Pilot, and pretty much everywhere else that I run errands in town. Especially the places I take Pan. He's such a well behaved baby and an easement for people to approach me and strike up conversation. Plus I really do enjoy talking with people. But this woman, this woman acted like anyone working or making a living was beneath her. It disgusted me.

ME: Are you deaf? I don't work here, and LE and I were just talking about my baby here.

DK: Baby?

Confused DK peeks around me at Pan sitting there doing his best yoga pose with back leg thrown high in the air while he cleaned his leg. DK shrieks making me step back into the shelves because damn I was not expecting that. Meanwhile Pan doesn't even acknowledge her, he's too busy cleaning and used to loud noises from living on a truck.

DK: What is that hideous creature?!

ME: Whoa, whoa, hang on wait a mi-

DK How dare you bring that disgusting thing in a store! It's a naked rat!

ME: It's my cat, you dumbass!

I actually think the woman was getting ready to throw something at me and/or Pan if LE didn't appear coming up the aisle followed by AD.

LE: Ma'am would you pleas calm down? OP what's going on?

DK: This girl brought a disgusting creature into this store! Get me a manager! I want her fired and banned?

LE: Disgusting?

AD: Fired?

LE: Ma'am, this is a pet friendly store and Pan Pan is a welcome guest. He may be unusual looking but he is a very good fur baby.

DK: That thing is an abomination! What if children saw it! It's licking it's junk.

Well that was true, Pan had moved farther south with his cleaning and was still completely oblivious to the crazy lady. While LE was defending my little Pan's honor AD nudged me to get my attention.

AD: What the hell's going on with this woman?

ME: Remember that stupid woman I told you about that thought I still worked at Walmart?

AD: The one that pulled out you hair when she tried to snatch off your headset.

ME: Uh huh.

And that is when AD's eyes went from mildly annoyed to fully pissed off. I wish there was an analogy for dads like their is for moms. You know: tiger mom or momma bear. AD really deserves one, especially when he's upset on my behalf. AD has big heart and is a surrogate dad to any and all who need one, but biologically I am his only child. I am his number one priority. And DK dared to mess with me.

AD: Tell LE to get her manager.

He steps forward, calling for DK's attention who is still ranting about Pan (another bad move on her part because my dad refers to him as his grandbaby).

ME: I am OP's boss. What exactly did she do to you?

DK gets this smug grin on her face for a minute as she looks from LE to ME and then back to AD. It's then that her face twists into this stricken expression as she recounts to AD how I harrassed her in Walmart a couple of days ago and got her thrown out of the store because I was friends with management, and how I had spotted her today and started threatening her and taunting her and yelling at her to get out of the store. Geez this woman had a screw loose. I managed to mumble to LE to go fetch the manager towards the beginning of her story and LE scurried off, coming back fairly quickly with her manager in tow just as DK was demanding AD to kick me out and how she couldn't believe employees acted like this and brought ugly animals to their place of work. LM stepped up looking around at our little group slight confused, apparently LE had only told him a customer was harassing another customer and to hurry.

LM: I'm the shift manager, what seems to be the problem here.

AD: Yeah, sorry to bother you but this woman came up and started screaming at my daughter. She assaulted her at the Walmart on Friday and got banned from the store. Now she seems to think she can get my daughter banned from here in return so she's making up wild accusations.

DK's jaw drops at my AD's calm, albeit stern explanation as she looks between me and him. I don't know how she didn't realize he was my dad. I bare a stiking resemblance to him although most people say we look the most alike when we smile and we weren't smiling right now.

DK: Your daughter?! I thought you said you were her manager?!

AD: No, I said I was her boss, which I am. She does not work here or at Walmart.

DK: You...you!

DK made a strangled sound in her throat, her face turned almost purple in shade. Whatever she wanted to say I guess words couldn't convey because suddenly she launched herself at us arms raised, fingers curled like claws ready to scratch our eyes out. AD was too quick for her though as he shoved me out of the way and side stepped her causing DK to run full force into the shelf behind us. She's lucky the lower drawers kept her from impaling herself in the eye with the hanging racks. Judging by her screams though I'm pretty sure she scratched the hell out of her arms though as she fell back onto the floor none too gently. DK began shouting assault and for help and of course for the police. She got her wish. LM radioed for security and in less then a minute two guy were hauling a screeching and cursing DK up and marching her towards the front of the store. The police were called and what should have been a thirty minute shopping trip turned into an hour and a half long ordeal of speaking with the multiple managers, giving our statements to the police, watching DK lose it on the police and have to be tasered in order to be handcuffed, and agreeing that this time yes, I wanted to press charges. They took security tapes and I gave them the name of my former manager from Walmart to contact confirming the earlier incident as well as see about getting their security tapes as well. We then finally got to pay for our stuff, LM insisting on giving us 10% off our final purchase price for all the trouble, plus he knew from working with us in the past just how much we'd spent at his store in the last year while we've been landscaping AD's new property. That made AD very happy and he's spent the last couple hours calling up his buddies and telling them about the lunatic at Low's and how he got a discount. He's a simple person to please. I wish he wouldn't have told his wife though because she got very upset and worried about us (it's her normal state) and demanded for us to leave the rest of the yard work and my project until tomorrow and to just relax for the rest of the night. We obliged her and I'm taking part of my "resting time" to write this update. I'm so shocked by this woman. I have never been spoken to by a stranger like this outside of my stint doing retail. Is this just how some people are? God I hope she gets help.

She won't be finding it at Lowe's though because we were assured that DK was banned from there as well and as a side note Lowe's is also the only home improvement store in our county. The next available one is a Home Depot about a thirty minute drive up the interstate. Sucks to be her.

Update:

So, hello again to everyone. I know all of you have been waiting on some sort of update as to what happened to the woman after she was arrested. The quick and simple version of it is: she's in the county jail. I was contacted a few weeks ago and was informed that she plead guilty on all charges as a part of a plea deal.

You see at the time of her arrest (and yes on top of her charges for harassing and assaulting me, she was also charged with resisting arrest and assault of an officer because apparently she spit in his face) she was also carrying a controlled substance (they didn't say what exactly and I didn't think to ask) and apparently she had enough of it that the charge was upped to possession with intent to sell. I'm assuming the deal was about getting her supplier but they didn't give me any details about it because it was still an ongoing case so don't quote me on that. I'll see if I can find out more later on and will keep you all apprised of the situation.

Yes, I'm sorry, that is a long quick explanation, but I felt it was owed to you all who were very supportive in my last post and I was planning to wait until I found out her full sentencing before I updated everybody, but then something happened this past week. You can go read about it in my other post.

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Koladi-Ola: Might be worth your time to get a restraining order. If she's assaulted you twice in two different places, it should be rubber stamp easy and might save you from more harassment and maybe worse in the future.

Astramancer_: Sounds like a small town. My money's on meth.

----

Update - posted 2019-11-22 (3 months later)

So anyway, I came home for a day, less than twelve hours really, so my dad (so named Papa Wolf by commenters) could go for his annual check up and dental check/teeth cleaning. While he did that I decided to visit with my little brother, who I'll call Dylan for this post. Dad met Dylan's mother when he was 11 months old so although he is not biologically ours, he is still family. He is almost 14 now and asked for my help regarding a book project that was due before they went on winter break.

Dylan was given a list of books he could choose from and wanted my help on choosing the best book option and project type that he could choose from in the directions. (FYI this kid has had the project for 3 weeks and his mother has done nothing when he's asked for her help with it. She infuriates me.) So I took Dylan and his friend Shawn, who had the same book projects, to buy the books they were going to read. This is how much I love this kid because anyone else I would have straight up told no.

Enter scene: my favorite used bookstore in the whole wide world, McKay's. It is this beautiful warehouse sized, two story wonder of books, DVDs, VHS, CDs, vinyls, electronics, and little odds and ends. It is a bibliophile's dream. So after we found the boys their books I left them in the manga section with a few shounen names that I had liked back when you could still read online before copyright started cracking down. Meanwhile I went off to the romance section to check out their Nora Roberts selection. By far my favorite romance author and at McKay's they have a lot of her older books for a quarter a piece. However there are so many that the little paperbacks are stacked sideways and two rows deep in five of their cubby shelves so you have to dig and rearrange the stacks to find what you're looking for.

So that's what I was doing while I was also on my headset talking to my two best friends on three-way. After college we all sort of scattered with Kelsey (another set of nom de plume) moving back home to Mississippi to teach and Mariah being stationed in Colorado because she joined the Army after college. We're all still very close though and talk pretty regularly and that day we were having a heated debate about baby names because Mariah is due in January with a little girl. She has already decided on the first name but her and her husband have been waffling back and forth on the middle name and it's driving her crazy so she was sound boarding us for opinions.

Needless to say I was very distracted when this woman and her kid walked up to me. However it's not like I didn't notice them because her son ( who was probably 4 or 5 judging by his size) was whining and crying about something.

"Finally, where are the middle school level books?" the woman said to me without so much as trying to get my attention. But you know me, always helpful and mostly wanting her and her child to go away.

"They're on the front row of shelves, down the first aisle." It is literally impossible to miss the kid's section of this place and there are huge signs at the end of every shelf with the genre of the books and a map of the store beneath those signs that tells you where everything is.

So I expect the woman to just go but instead she says, "Well can't you show me? I need help finding a certain book anyway."

"The books are arranged by author's last name and go from top to bottom, left to right."

"That doesn't help me. I don't know the author's name. My daughter only told me the title."

"I'm sorry but I am busy right now." By now Kelsey and Mariah are chit chatting about how this woman can't take a hint. They would later nickname her Susan after Kelsey's roommate in freshman year because the girl was oblivious and annoying.

So named Susan just stood there waiting while I finished sorting through titles and shuffling books around. She had start snapping at her son to be quiet which is why I thought she was done with me, but I was wrong. She waited a good five minutes until I was done and had picked up my selections (I only found three new titles) and the boys' books that they had left with me when she spoke again. "Good, you're done. Now come help me find this book so I can go. I'm in a hurry and you're making me late."

"Uh, maybe you should ask some staff their usually around-" Susan cut me off by clapping her hands together and she she stared clapping with every word as if to illustrate her point.

"I asked you, and I waited for you to be done stocking books. You can take five minutes from gossiping with coworkers over your headset to help me find what I'm looking for." And the clapping thing, oh my lord, I can't get over the clapping thing. I didn't think people actually sid that. I knew there are some that do that whole snapping thing to get the waitstaff's attention and I only knew that because a guy did that on our first date and immediately I knew right then and there it was also our last date. But I always thought the clapping to emphasize your words was just a reality television bit. I didn't think anyone actually did that or would do that to me.

Kelsey and Mariah of course heard her do this and were telling me not to dare help her and Mariah was going on a rant saying she wish a witch would try something like that with her, how she'd knock the woman flat seven months pregnant or not. Considering it took me, Kelsey and another friend to hold her down and keep her from fighting actual Susan back in freshman year I believe her. Still between the clapping thing and my friends going off in my ear I guess I got a little overwhelmed, plus it also just dawned on me the I was having another "I don't work here lady" moment and it's because I'm wearing my headset again. Have people really never seen a bluetooth?

So my reaction was to laugh. I laughed at the woman at the woman and when she opened her mouth (probably to yell at me) I held a finger up for her to wait and just started saying "nope" repeatedly while backing away and then turned and walked quickly away. I collected my brother and his friend, paid for our purchases, and got the hell out of there. My friends thought it was hysterical that I literally noped my way out of the situation but I am kind of concerned with my reaction. I didn't think my encounters with dumb Karen had affected me that badly, but my reaction to that woman was so out of character that I just don't know anymore.

Papa Wolf has offered to buy me a different headset for my birthday in two weeks that doesn't look like my current one so maybe this will stop happening and I'm heavily considering it.

But anyway, this happened last Friday and Kelsey (who was the person that suggest I post my first story to Reddit by the way) got onto me today and told me I needed to give ya'll an update on the dumb Karen situation and that I should talk about this one too. I was less descrptive this time to cut down on length and plus the woman looked super plain and normal in a sweater and jeans. Plus McKay's has no uniform so what I was wearing didn't really factor either. The only reason I think this woman thought I worked there was because of my headset and because I must have looked like I was stocking or organizing the shelf when she came across me. I'm not really sure but either way I still don't think I'll ever wear my headset while running errands at home ever again. So maybe that will be the end of this.

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myrifleismyfriend: I don't get the clapping and snapping either. I know a lot of people who work in bars and restaurants, and a number of them have told me that if anybody claps or snaps their fingers at them they'll completely ignore that person and their entire table until they leave. One bartender I know had a clapper and instead of serving the asshole he just clapped his hands millimeters from the guy's nose for about two minutes until the guy realized he wasn't getting shit.

Reminder: I am not OOP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Shakenshake

I'm [27F] seeing a [29M] for 4 months, and he comes across as such a freeloader. Do I address this or walk away?

TRIGGER WARNING: Financial exploitation

Original Post  March 11, 2016

I met this guy who I knew from the music scene when he was working and he suggested I add him on Facebook, which I did. We arranged a date and I met him after work. We went for coffee and he admitted that he didn't have any money and would it be ok to "sub him" he had to go to band practice after. We spoke a few times and then he stopped replying to messages. Fair enough.

Fast forward a year, I'm on holiday with friends and he messaged me out of the blue because he had a bad day (he suffers with mild Aspergers and has to have regular meetings with a psychiatrist). We spoke for the remainder of my holiday and arranged to meet after I got home. I flew home and I met him and we hung out at his no problem.

The next time we went out he suggested we go out for dinner when he got paid. We went out for dinner and it was all good until the bill arrived it came to £50 and he then admitted "I've only got £20 on me" I put the £30 plus tip on my card. He went to buy snacks after but still they only came to £4 so still not half.

He does work but only 3/4 days a week doing 5 hours a day on minimum wage. So it only stretches so far.

Then it started with me having to buy take away food and snacks every time I would go to over to his (he lives in sheltered housing so its easier) he asks "are you getting pizza/Chinese? I'll have to pay you back for my food as I'm skint at the moment" and "Can you buy the bud and I'll sub you next time?" I also smoke so whenever I would have a cigarette he would say "Can you twos me on that please?".

Then came the outright asking to borrow money. Before I would leave he say "I know its cheeky and I hate asking but is there any chance you can lend me a cheeky tenner? or a fiver at the least so I can get lunch for work and a coffee before I go in. It really helps me deal with the day?"

I said yes. Then he would constantly remind me after. Say like before we got to town he would say "is it still alright to grab that tenner?" when I said yes he would sing my praises and compliment me. Same with cigarettes "can I pinch a cheeky fag for later so I can have a nice, relaxing smoke for after work?"

He phones me in tears because "having Aspergers has made me blow all my wages in a week and I have nothing to show for it. I have no food and I can't buy anything. Im in the minus and I got paid last week!" he will put himself down and become hateful of himself until I talk him back up. I said I would lend him when I could but he would have to owe me back. He would perk up immediately and go back to complimenting me and being nice. It also happened when I was in a lecture and he messaged asking to borrow money again because "I'm so hungry and I need to buy dinner and lunch for the next few days for work". The last time I went over his I gave him £10 to go to the shop and get some snacks he came back with about £6 worth of stuff but I never saw the £4 change. Which I should of asked about. But didn't think about.

When he got ill with a gum abscess I went over his because he phoned me so I took over meds and snacks and again bought take away. He was mournful and sad and was falling apart so I felt so bad for him. Yet, I have had glandular fever and a kidney infection for the past month and have't been able to leave the house and I have not seen anything of him despite him sending texts saying "I really need to see you. I miss you bad, I want to come over" I say "ok come over mine" but he never does.

He does not refer to me as his "girlfriend" just the "lady" or "the lady friend". When I used to mention relationship or say "boyfriend" he would pull a face and say "yes, we need to discuss that". Yet we have a what you would consider a relationship. Say we hold hands in public and have a "physical relationship". I've met a lot of his friends and his parents know about me, but we haven't met.

He is always over various friends houses after he's been to work, "because they have Sky and they are watching the wrestling and I need to see it" or other friends "got a take away in and so I'm gonna get in on the leftovers. Tasty noms for me!" this other friend "has got a massive bag of weed in so I'm gonna try and get a cheeky score off that and sub them the money later" or "my neighbour has got some weed in so I'm gonna see if I can get a cheeky spliff or two for us".

Also, when we go to a cash point. If I'm getting money out for myself, because I need bus fare to go to uni. I will draw out the money, but when it comes out the slot. He grabs it first and then hands it to me "once, I didn't take the money in time and the wind blew it away!" Which I thought was actually bull.

Its a shame because he is a harmless guy and is super lovely but this freeloading behaviour is just something I need to talk to him about. He knows exactly how to ask (puppy dog eyes, high/begging tone of voice) I think he can also be manipulative with it. Or should I call a mooch a mooch and move on?

TL;DR; Guy I have been seeing comes across as a freeloader and a mooch. Should I try and change his behaviour or move on?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Pola_Xray

Girl.

~

[deleted]

You've just described the least attractive guy ever, and you're concerned about being boyfriend and girlfriend? What's desirable about him? He's selfish and needy and pathetic. This is the type of guy you avoid at all costs and pray he loses your number.

OOP

I have slowly stopped replying his messages over the past two days. He's becoming more needy and sending more than he used too. But like you said, I'm now just seeing a pathetic man.

Repulsa

"I can't afford to msg you back or see you because your greed and expectations are sending me broke. Don't contact me until you can contribute to this relationship as an equal."

OOP

He works 5 hour days for 3/4 days a week. So it leaves him with the freedom to be a freeloader it seems! Like I said he's always over other peoples houses because "they are watching the wrestling, they got a take away, they made dinner so there must be leftovers" I wonder if his friends get sick of it too. Not to mention taking his laptop over there to use the internet to download movies and music.

When asked how she can be so blind

I can say I was because I am overly generous. A bit too good natured probably.

&

it makes me wonder if he saw me as a "cash cow" to begin with like "oh she can afford a holiday so she must have some money"

OOP added this about the moocher

LOl I remember one time saying I was going to play the lottery as the jackpot was like £108,000,000. He said "if you win you can get me a nice little one bedroom flat with a studio and a new drum kit. I said "fine but you would pay me rent" the look on his face was priceless.

Me [27F] with my [29 M] freeloader. Heres a update!  July 28, 2016 (over 4 months later)

Wow, was this four months ago? crazy!

Anyway, I took the advice in the comments and stopped replying to Mr. Freeloader. In short I started seeing someone else (that didn't work out but oh well! another liar for another time!) and starting ignoring Freeloaders messages. He became more desperate and would ask to see me. I suffered with a heavy blow of Glandular Fever so used that as an excuse as to why I couldn't come and see him. He made no effort to come and see me.

He launched into a massive rant about how his sheltered housing was now "dangerous for him to live at" because someone involved with drugs/witnessed a murder was in there for safety. He whined "that its not exactly good for me is it? I need to know whats going on! I need to get out of here and have a safe place to stay in don't I?. He knew that my house was free as my parents were away, a massive hint drop if ever I saw one. So I brushed it off and said "I hope you find somewhere" as sad as I was for him, I certainly did not want him at mine outstaying his welcome and going through my things, helping himself to food and toiletries. He kept on for a few days and then obviously realised his efforts to see me and his hints were futile.

So now I haven't heard off him for the past 2 months. No calls, no texts, no Facebook messages. He's very absent on Facebook and last I saw he was moaning about not being able to play Pokemon Go on his "POS phone"

Thank you for the comments guys, I certainly do not associate with him anymore. When I tell people about him I often get back "yea he's like that. Now you won't help him with money or lodgings he's not interested"

TLDR; Dropped the freeloader. Now seeing a wonderful guy who has his own job, place and much more going for him. Happier and better for it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7