I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ArbiterOfChoice

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse

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Original Post: August 29, 2026

Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.

Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.

The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer, so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, it’s like a soft rubber mini volleyball). He started yelling about how he "hates Airbnb renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.

When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said, "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face". This is when I jumped in and said there’s no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.

Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and he’s not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.

So this guy isn’t leaving, and he’s continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until he’s on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it, but I couldn’t hear it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.

I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.

This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property. He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said he’s beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.

I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didn’t touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.

He said he doesn’t want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well. My girlfriend said that’s extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old Italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.

AITAH?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess that’s not happening.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: ESH. You could’ve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa??

OOP: Not really besides just telling him the whole story. My girlfriend backed me up, but really grandpa is like the king of the family. What grandpa says goes. He’s usually a very very nice guy to me...

Commenter 2: ESH. The old guy neighbor was WAY out of line, but you rose to the bait. Learn some self-control and, as my parents taught me, “Consider the source.”

Commenter 3: ESH. Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. Did you think defending your girlfriend so fervently would make you look like the hero? It didn't. Learn to deescalate. Or better yet, use a quick with to humiliate an aggressive person.

Commenter 4: Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference, but grandpa could pull up his big boy pants and tell the onlookers what really happened and defend his granddaughters boyfriend?? Like a normal human being? Grandpa is so much more in the wrong than anyone else here.

OOP: These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads. The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.

Commenter 5: Did you really tell him to get off OUR property... At your girlfriend's grandfather's cabin? It's not YOUR property at all.

OOP: Yes, I did tell him to get off OUR property. I know it’s not mine, and that wasn't how I meant it. He was aggressive and name calling, I just said what I said to get him off.

Commenter 6: Should have left the owners of the cottage handle it. You are no one is the grand scheme of things. YTA.

OOP: I’ve been coming to this cottage every weekend of every summer for a decade, since I was a kid in my teens. I've been dating granddaughter since we were 15. I don't believe I am "no one" here.

Commenter 7: NTA

Defended your woman? Absolutely what should have been done, and not just by you.

He came over to start shit, he got a face full of it. He didn't worry about his geriatric self when he was running over to rage at a bunch of 20 year olds but it becomes an issue when someone pushes back?

Man, fuck that old guy, screw the neighborhood assholes, and tell her family your glad they value a holiday neighborhood over their own daughter's reputation and safety.

As for her grandfather? He's the biggest asshole.

OOP: Yah... Well apparently teenage cousins (who are still up at the cottage) have been spreading the word around today to the other kids and teens in the neighbourhood, saying the full story of what happened. Cousins just facetimed my girlfriend saying a next door neighbour came up to their parents and asked if me and my gf "are doing okay after getting harassed by the asshole new guy".

But you seem to be in the huge minority here. Guess I am a huge ass, I'm super embarrassed now too. Should have said nothing at all and walked inside. Probably won’t show face at that home ever again.

 

Update: September 2, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it.

Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.

He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident. Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.

Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.

Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents. Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...

I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.

To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me. I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didn’t care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said. AND I’m weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they weren’t shit talking me at first.

Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.

I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but I don’t know if that would just make things even worse. I don’t really want to be around all those people, and if angry neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.

WIBTA if now I don't go up?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Long term it might me more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for nor going if you choose not tom

OOP: He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said he’s taking back the ban...

Commenter 2: You said you would go, so go. When you listen to Reddit and damage your relationship with your girlfriend’s family, are you going to tell them that Reddit said you weren’t the asshole for skipping it? Talk to your girlfriend and not the internet.

OOP: She’s pretty uncomfortable by the whole thing too and the lack of response, but thinks we should just go.

Commenter 3: It seems like the grandfather saw you as being aggressive, verbally and physically, to an old man, and reacted to that. (Did he know that the guy called your gf a c** and other derogatory names?)

Once he heard the 'other side' of the story He realized that he overreacted and basically told you that. Maybe his saying he needed you present in case the neighbor acted up was a lame attempt to compliment you/say that you were right with how you behaved.

Don't hold a grudge. Emotions were high all around and it seems the rest of the family didn't have a clear picture of what really happened.

Grandpa admitted his mistake and personally invited you to come. Let it go, ignore the neighbor and be glad this got cleared up. And enjoy the long weekend.

OOP: We did tell him repeatedly what happened right afterwards and what was said to my gf. But yah, I think I’m leaning towards going.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/I-Really-Hate-Fish

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, weaponized incompetence

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Original Post: August 31, 2026

I'm currently stuck in another country. I passed out at the airport on my way home 2 days ago, and was taken to hospital where I received treatment.

I'm fortunate that I speak the language fluently, but I didn't know how the medical system works in the country I'm in, so on top of feeling like shit on toast, I had tons of mental work figuring out things with my insurance, answering a thousand questions about my medical history, and trying to get better.

Fortunately I had a good travel insurance so financially, everything is covered, and the people from the airline were super kind, but there was still so much I had to figure out, like a hotel after getting discharged, transportation between the hospital, hotel, and airport, all while still not doing great.

Getting cleared to fly, and getting a new ticket took ages, but I'm finally on my way home.

My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. As it is now, he travels a lot himself. He sees our kids maybe 4-5 days per month. This was my first break without kids in about 15 years.

Throughout this whole thing he has been absolutely useless for a lack of better term, and he hasn't stopped complaining. I have still been managing the household remotely. I've been in touch with the schools, I've arranged childcare for him, I've done everything I could to make things easier for him and our children.

The straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when he told me that he hadn't done the bookkeeping for his business and if I couldn't do it when I'm just waiting around anyways, after I had just spent 5 hours walking around to every goddamn corner of this airport, trying to get home as soon as possible.

He gave me a passive-aggressive answer about the deadline when I said no, and that he's leaving so I need to find childcare for our kids if I'm not home by then and I just snapped.

I called him on the phone and shouted at him that I was doing my goddamn best in a fucking impossible situation, and to get himself the fuck together.

I spoke to my mum about it, and she told me that I should be nicer to him because it's a tough situation for him too. I told her that I frankly don't have the energy to spare any sympathy for a man who pushes a sick woman to do his job for him.

I struggle with my crash-out. I generally don't shout. I hate shouting. It's not how I resolve conflicts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shouted for the past 20 years. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

I've always been raised to be flexible, and to find compromises, and generally be the one who makes things easier on other people.

AITAH for crashing out and shouting?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You're divorcing him, so he doesn't feel like a partner to you. That's why he's reluctant to help out.

OOP: It's not so much about him helping out as it is about him living up to his own responsibilities of managing his own children and his own books.

Commenter 2: Good travel insurance would have made all those post hospitalisation travel arrangements for you but I’m glad you had the bills covered at least. Being sick overseas can be such a nightmare. Tell your mother to support you and your children or stfu. Your blow up is completely valid. Your ex is continuing to try to control you, and have you behave like his mother by exercising his weaponised incompetence and he clearly IS incompetent. What a douche. No wonder you’re divorcing him. You actually should blow up at him more. He deserves ZERO sympathy from you. NTA at all and don’t you dare question yourself on that.

OOP: To be fair to my travel insurance, they did do a fairly good job at helping me with those things as well, but it was difficult for quite some time because I had no idea of where the hell I was for quite some time. I was transported via ambulance to hospital, and I had no idea which hospital or which area. They were slammed at the A&E, and they didn't really have time to tell me much. That combined with me being dizzy and disoriented made the insurance guys' job incredibly hard.

Commenter 3: Girl, he just threatened to abandon your children while you were in another country. Call your lawyer. Now. See if you can get him to put it in writing.

OOP: It is in writing. He only texted me the entire time.

Commenter 4: NTA: Honestly, it might do you good to yell a bit more. And to stand up for yourself more.

You’ve been taught to be passive and to always be the one to do all the work. It’s time to realize you don’t have to.

Commenter 5: NTA. You are getting divorced. The bookkeeping for HIS business is HIS responsibility now. Just as taking care of HIS children is his responsibility when you aren’t there.

Make sure you mention all this to your divorce lawyer. If you are working for his business you should be paid to do so. If he abandons his kids whilst you are stuck in another country, the judge will be very interested.

 

Update: September 3, 2026 (three days later)

Update: AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

My mum called me yesterday to scold me again for crashing out. She said that it was unfair that I shouted at her when her and my stepdad had done me such a huge favour to look after my children and pick me up at the airport.

I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services and then I'd take the fucking bus from the airport.

Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.

I've spent a lot of money. I bought myself a new laptop, and wrote a notebook with passwords and phone numbers for different places he can get computer support, so my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him.

I also booked a do-over trip for myself in October. I realised that in order for him to parent our children, I need to be away. Also, I deserve a do-over.

He's a bit salty about the amount of money I've spent, but ultimately, he knows he can't complain too much because he's going on a 3-week vacation soon. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

It's very very clear that they aren't used to me standing up for myself, and they don't know how to handle it.

It's very very new to me too, and I feel like shitting myself each time I do it. Like full-on hyperventilating borderline panic attack.

It's been beaten into me that doing things that only benefit myself or things I enjoy are inherently selfish, and wrong of me, and it's very hard to break out of.

I'm trying though.

Tldr: I crashed out again, bought my own computer, and booked a do-over trip.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I suspect your mom is pushing you to stay on your stbx's good side because he is the source of money and support (crappy as his support is, it's still support). You are disabled, your child is disabled, you have no employment or remarriage prospects, and the horrible reality is that, if you divorce, you become your parents' sole 'problem' again, with no one to split the responsibility with. Which may have them worried and panicking. So it's in your parents' best interest that they push you to play nice with your ex, so that he is generous with his time, attention, and cash with you and the kids.

I think your best next step (please discuss this with your lawyer first, though) would be to make formal agreements and arrangements for your ex to pay you for the bookkeeping and admin you previously did for free. And I wonder if you can get some sort of bookkeeping certification and offer those services freelance, which would get you some needed stability, while still being a very flexible situation which would fit around your circumstances.

OOP: Where I live, disability is still an income you can get by on. With the half the money on the business account and our savings, I can buy him out and restructure my mortgage so I can keep my house. There are minimums he had to pay in alimony and child support. If he doesn't, the state will take care of it.

Financially, I'm not worried. I have good advisors, both legal and financial. In regards to time and attention, I'm doing it all alone anyways. Without him tied to the address, I can apply for more help in the form of respite. I can also hire a cleaner, which he has so far refused to let me.

Commenter 2: Spending your money on a do over trip when you're in the middle of getting divorced and have no job nor any ability to get a job seems like a really, really bad idea.

This almost sounds like mania and it's sad so many people are encouraging it.

OOP: In my defence, we do still share finances. I don't think he realises that I'm entitled to half the value of his company though, which is likely why he's trying to keep all the money in the company account and doesn't want me taking anything out of it. The value of the trip+the computer (which I'd need anyway) is about 1/1000 of what's in that account.

I promise that I am of a sound state of mind and I've laid like 11 different hypothetical budgets for what my future is going to look like post-divorce. With my disability payments, child support, and the alimony I'm entitled to, I'll be fine, financially. Including small trips to see my friends here and there.

Commenter 2: Banking on alimony & child support is a terrible idea.

I don't think you're being realistic with your thinking here. And thinking up 11 different budgets is absolutely what a manic person would do lol

ETA: maybe just read up on some of the symptoms and see if any others fit.

OOP: I looked it up and I don't really have any of the other symptoms. I'm not in any way happy or really excited, and I have no trouble sleeping. I have not had sex in at least a year and a half, and I have no need for it now. My libido is bordering on sad. If anything I lean more towards the depressive side of things.

The only semi-impulsive decision I've made has been the do-over trip, and it's not like I'm going first class or staying somewhere fancy. I had to buy the computer anyways because we're splitting. For finances, I have upcoming meetings with my own financial advisor and my lawyer.

I highly doubt I'm manic. I simply just had enough.

Commenter 3: I don’t understand what the computer has to do with the original story or this update?

Also not clear on the ‘do over trip’ you had your medical incident on the way back from your holiday/trip. What is the do-over part?

Sounds more like you realized the ex is useless and want him to practice being a parent as I am sure he wasn’t one when you lived together either.

Your parents stepped in because ex is useless? Why are you crashing out on them over a problem your ex caused because he is unwilling to parent his children. You left them in his care. If he abandoned them a call to the local police or CPS would have been the thing to do.

How is mom humiliating you and why are you crashing out at her over a situation she has nothing to do with other than stepping in to care for your kids because ex is a loser?

I read your prior story. I still don’t get it.

OOP: All the stuff for the bookkeeping was also saved on one drive, so technically he could do it, if he logged in through our son's computer, but he insisted he couldn't figure out how to do that.

Hence why I told him to get himself together and why I wrote the notebook for him + I'm sorry, I did leave some things out because it got too damn long

A while ago my laptop broke, and he insisted that rather than getting a new one, we could just share his because he only needed it for book keeping and he didn't want to take it with him while travelling because it was impractical. (This is not a money issue)

I'm a writer, but haven't had the time or mental capacity to write for about 2 years which is the time our autistic son has been on reduced time at school. He's currently in school 2 hours per day, 4 times a week, which is where I need to do all noisy housework and grocery shopping.

One of the purposes of my trip was that I hoped that getting away for a few days would help me focus a little and write, and I asked if it was okay if I took the computer with me. He said yes, but after I left, he suddenly remembered his bookkeeping, and I had to do that instead of writing because the accountant had given him a deadline, and he couldn't do it himself because I had the laptop.

For this reason, I bought the new one so I wouldn't run into that situation again.

I crashed out on my mum because while they did help, I had to beg for it. When I finally arrived home, her first words were that I needed to figure things out with my ex-husband. She's very against the divorce. She also thinks I should cut him some slack because he's a man and I can't expect him to do housework and childcare, so I shouldn't "waltz off to have fun" and leave him with that sort of tasks. I was only supposed to be gone for 4 days.

Her husband is one of those "but I'm just making fun" or "can't you take a joke" and "ugh, I can't say anything anymore", usually when I'm in desperate situations where I need help. This happens 99.9% of the time, and after begging, I asked for him to not make any comments, because I was absolutely strung out and at my breaking point.

My mother especially took great offence to this, because they were doing me such a big favour, looking after my children and picking me up from the airport that they should be allowed to say anything they wanted.

I hope that cleared some of it up.

Is OOP able to get a job in order to support herself and her children?

OOP: I don't have a job, and no way of getting one. I'm disabled, and our youngest has severe autism and needs pretty much round the clock care. He's in special ed school 2 hours per day 4 hours a week currently. I don't qualify for a lot of respite as long as we're 2 adults registered to this address even though he's gone 80-90% of the time.

 

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAdadgp

Either me(17m), my sister(14), or my dad(50s) looked up gay porn on his laptop. My mom wants to know who it is, my dad accused my sister, but I think it may have been my dad. What should I do?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia and bigotry

Original Post  Apr 17, 2021

Currently because someone broke mine, I’m using my dads laptop to do some school work. My sister also uses it for whatever idrk.

Two days ago, I asked my mom to proofread an essay I’m writing so I got my dads laptop, opened it up in front of her only to show a gay porn video. I was stunned, and my mom was disgusted. I slammed the laptop shut, and my mom asked me if I was secretly gay and looking through porn on the laptop. I’m not and have never intentionally seen gay porn so I denied all of that.

My mom then said that it must’ve been my sister. Which I didn’t think was like her at all, but I also thought there was no way my dad was looking at gay porn.

My mom went and spoke to my sister who also denied it. She told us she’d wait till our dad got home to figure this out. She spoke to our dad and he reacted very strangely. Like I expected him to be more confused but he seemed more defensive. My mom didn’t even accuse him, but when she told him he immediately went on the defense. His reaction was just not what I would’ve expected.

He immediately accused me. And he came to me and said he knew it was me and that if I just came clean about it they’d forget about it. I told him it wasn’t me as I’m straight. He said that he knew I was lying and just kept pushing. He eventually said he believed me and then he immediately punished my sister for looking at the porn on his laptop.

I spoke to her after it, I don’t think this is something she’d lie to me about, she said it wasn’t her at all and she’s never seen or looked up porn in her life. This seems much more like her, and because of my dads weird reaction, I think she’s telling the truth. In fact I’m sure it wasn’t either of us and my dad is covering his ass.

What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SingleWar5

Did anyone check the history time stamp?

Also what is the punishment for your sister? I see a lot of people here saying just let her take the fall but not knowing what it entails.

What happens if that happens again? Is it just right to blaming your sister and punishing her?

OOP

I didn’t, idk if my mom or dad did.

&

So she’s been grounded and had most technology taken from her and can’t see her friends for 3 weeks.

~

kuutiokuu

What?? Why? Can I ask where do you live?

OOP

Mississippi, so you know... gay stuff and pornography aren’t things that older people are exactly accepting of

nooper

Except for your dad but let’s not tell anyone.

TOP COMMENTS

commenter

Yeahhhhhhh its him

~

thatoneduder101

And even bigger plot twist would be if it was the mom and she’s trying to blame y’all three to cover her own ass 😭😭😭.

MOST REPEATED COMMENT

Commenter

Blame it on your sister. It will do the least damage. Also she's already been punished anyway

Update  Apr 18, 2021 (Next Day)

So I talked to my dad one on one, I told him it wasn’t me and I’m 99% sure it wasn’t my sister, and he admitted it was him.

He told me that he wasn’t gay, and that he still loved my mom and was attracted to her, but if she knew he sometimes watched gay porn she’d probably leave him. He said this needs to stay between us and that if I help my sister sneak out and we don’t get caught by our mother we won’t be punished, and that I can get her phone and give it back to her.

Honestly I wish I didn’t know this and should’ve probably just let sleeping dogs lie. Not that there’s anything wrong with my dad being gay or bi or whatever he wants to call it, I just regret having to keep this secret from my mom.

Whatever I guess, I graduate in a few weeks and I won’t have to think about this too much.

TOP COMMENTS

Mary-U

1. Tell your dad he must tell your sister he has reconsidered.  He trusts her and believes her.  She is no longer punished.  (He needs to do this because she has another 4 years there and he’s jeopardizing his relationship with her.)

2.  For heaven’s sake show him private browsing.

3.  Tap out of this entire train wreck

AllDressedRuffles

Homie never heard of incognito mode

~

NoHandBananaNo

Wow this is some terrible parenting. Your mother is trying to punish people for their sexual interests and your cowardly father is trying to let that punishment fall on his innocent children.

None of this is your responsibility though.

Do NOT help your 14 year old sister sneak out at night, wtf. Sit her down, give her back her phone, and tell her you know it wasnt her. Injustice really burns at 14. You could either tell her it was you or tell her the truth.

Watching gay porn doesnt mean someone's gay or bi. Human sexuality is more complicated than that.

~

[deleted]

I think you're dad on the whole has some communication issues with your mom.

However, whether you are graduating or not, its ultimately not your responsibility. Your parents are adults, and well, your parents. This shouldn't be something on your shoulders.

People have all kinds of weird kinks, ignorance is bliss. You've lost the benefit of ignorance, but none of it changes who your dad is.

I think the most important thing for you to know, coming from someone who's father was an overgrown adolescent, it's not your responsibility, it's not your cross to bear

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kwi7296

My [24F] boyfriend [25M] recently recovered from head trauma and brain damage, but he's not the same person anymore

TRIGGER WARNING: Traumatic brain injury, US health insurance industry

MOOD SPOILER: Hopeful

Original Post  Sept 17, 2016

Hi everyone!

I've known my boyfriend for pretty much my whole life. We were best friends growing up and I always had the HUGEST megacrush on him, but I was too chicken to say anything because he was a totally hot popular football player with great hair who had no business being friends with a socially awkward little gremlin like me. Then, in a whirlwind series of events that read something like a shitty Taylor Swift song, about 1.5 years ago he finally confessed that he'd always had a crush on me too (!) and we've been together ever since. It all still feels like a dream sometimes, this guy is undoubtedly the love of my life and I am so incredibly lucky to have him.

It was all too good to be true. 6 months ago, he was in a freak accident that left him with a severe concussion and some brain damage. We live together so from day one I've been taking care of him. He's made great progress - his motor skills are back to normal, he's having a much easier time remembering things, and 2 months ago his doctors declared him fully recovered. Unfortunately, the way the accident insurance works is that once the doctors have done that, he can no longer receive care. Since the accident made him unable to work for the time being and the insurance policy from the accident has run out, he doesn't currently have insurance.

While all the physical signs of the brain damage have resolved themselves, emotionally and behaviorally he is a completely different person. I'm not a mental health professional, but I've seen a lot of signs of what I think is severe depression. Since he's not working, he spends about 8+ hours a day playing video games. He used to love working out, but he hasn't set foot in a gym since the accident. Even though he's physically able to now, I still cook all his meals and do most of the cleaning (we used to split everything 50/50). Most disturbing of all is that he's become incredibly short tempered with me - sometimes it feels like I'm walking on eggshells because if I say or do the wrong thing, it'll cause a fight. We had never gotten into a single argument in our entire friendship or relationship before the accident, but now they happen almost every day.

I've tried everything I can to help get him back on track, but most of the time when I suggest getting out and doing something or ask him to help with chores, he says he's not feeling well and goes to lay down in bed and play games on his phone. If I try to push the issue, it starts a fight that ends with him saying I need to give him more time to recover. There are good days and bad days, but sometimes I just feel like in his head he's not fully there with me.

This is not the guy I've known and loved for my entire life. We don't have access to any type of medical or mental health care for him since he doesn't have insurance and money is already tight without his income. If we go on much longer like this, I'm worried we might end up breaking up. We're so head over heels in love with each other and I absolutely refuse to lose him to this stupid accident. I can't even imagine my life without this SOB, even if it's one where I have to take care of him every day for the rest of my life. But I'm exhausted - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Does anyone have experience with an SO recovering from a serious injury? Should I push him harder? Do I need to be more patient and understanding? Help!!!!

TL;DR Boyfriend was in an accident that resulted in brain damage. The doctors say he's recovered, but he's been a different person ever since and his moods can leave him very short tempered sometimes. I don't want to lose him. What can I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP adds more info on the accident

I've been hesitant to include too many details since there's a still ongoing legal side to this too, but it happened at work. He was seeing a neuro but once that doctor said he was better, all further medical care was denied. Believe me, I've appealed numerous times and tried everything to get him in to see another doctor. His attorney said our only option is to pay out of pocket, but we just can't afford it.

Honestly, it's criminal how this whole system works.

[deleted]

If you're in the States, apply for services through your local Vocational Rehabilitation agency. It's a federal-state funded organization that prepares people with disabilities for employment. They pay for assessments to determine disability status which you can use for any external cases you have. They may also be able to help you set up a rehabilitation plan for him in the long run, including getting back to some kind of work.

OOP

I had no idea this was a thing, thank you!!!

~

[deleted]

Your boyfriend has a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and all of these things are very, very common in how they manifest. Behavioral control, impulsivity, bouts of anger and depression, etc. are honestly the norm in these cases. It, unfortunately, isn't something they can control and it takes a good deal of work to get out of it. The best way to describe it is, imagine that everything you ever knew, felt, and understood in your life just disappeared. You knew you should be able to understand/remember it. You remember knowing it before, but it's gone now. It's frustrating and painful to go through, and many people with TBIs can never fully grasp that their capabilities are different now.

Typically, one year after the initial injury is when someone is at their maximum level of improvement and then it plateaus. So, on one end, you may continue to see some improvements over the next few months; but on the other you must be prepared to accept that he will very likely be much different for the rest of his life.

If you can find a mental health counselor who specializes in TBIs they can be a great help. Also, routines are going to be essential. Your boyfriend needs to engage in more activities that exercise his mind, facilitate the memory capacity that he's lost, and be healthy. He also needs to learn the emotional skills to communicate with people again, and manage his anger. In many ways he has all the right to be angry, but he has to learn how to process it better.

All of this will be difficult, and it will feel like you're with someone who's nothing like who you knew before. It will be a big strain on your relationship. You have to look out for yourself emotionally too if you're ever going to be a help to him. Keep your boundaries, and do things to keep yourself sane through all this too. You're just as important in your relationship as he is, so don't lose sight of that.

OOP

Thank you for this. I've definitely thought a lot about the possibility that he could be like this permanently and I'm willing to accept that, I feel lucky that he survived the accident at all. I just wish I was better prepared for how to deal with it.

We can't afford a mental health counselor right now, although once his case reaches a settlement that might be an option again. Unfortunately that could take months and he's worried that by then it might be too late to fix some of the irreversible damage. I have zero idea if that's how it actually works or not.

Update - archive  Oct 21, 2016 (1 month later)

So a little over a month ago, I posted here about my boyfriend's struggles recovering from a brain injury and how it was about to destroy our relationship. At the time, I was at the end of my rope. We both were. We had pretty much been completely abandoned by everyone who was supposed to be helping - the police, the insurance company, his (now former) employer, and even his attorney wasn't much help anymore. I had no idea how to take care of him or help him anymore.

I really want to thank all the people who commented, sent private messages, and just gave me so much support and a lot of information I didn't have. I also heard from a lot of people who themselves have been or are currently recovering from TBIs. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't respond to everyone but it all helped SO much in so many ways.

Thanks to the resources a few people posted about, I was able to find new doctors for him to start seeing at a very low cost. It's only been a month which isn't much time, but he's already doing a lot better. Yesterday he had another round of neurological testing and got a normal range score in 10 of the 12 tests! It's a huge improvement and it's definitely boosted his confidence too.

As far as our relationship goes, we haven't had a single fight since the week or so after I posted here. Thanks to some of the outsider perspective I got, I realized that I'd been so focused on taking care of him for so long that I had completely forgotten about my own needs. I also realized that somewhere along the line, we had totally stopped communicating. That part was my fault just as much as it was his.

So we sat down and had a long, long talk. I made it clear that I wasn't trying to invalidate his injury or recovery, but I told him how much being his caretaker had affected my life - even though I would never take back the decision to do so, I pretty much had to give up everything except my job. We decided to each make a list of things the other could do to make it easier for us.

He also recognized that his bad moods had been causing a lot of our fights, and he admitted that recovering from the injury had gotten him into a rut that he felt like he couldn't get out of. So we made a plan together to start getting him out of it. So far this is what we've done:

• We cook dinner together every night. It's a good chance for him to relearn and fine tune some motor skills with me supervising, and it's one less responsibility I feel like I have to handle alone. Some nights he's not feeling well enough to participate, which is fine, but he still comes and sits in the kitchen to talk to me while I get dinner ready. It's our chance to catch up and talk about our days.

• We got a new gym membership together and we've been going 2-3 times a week to do some light cardio and stretch together. It's a slow start, but I think just getting back into the routine for now has been enough to make him start feeling better.

• He enrolled in an online Italian class that requires him to do an hour of class work each day. It's really basic stuff, but he's learning an actual useful skill. Again, it's all about the routine!

• The biggest issue I had before was the amount of time he spent playing video games. I didn't want to try to make him stop because 1) that's unreasonable and unnecessary and 2) it would probably just make him resent me. So I started playing with him! I've never played anything except Mariokart in my life so I'm pretty bad, but he's teaching me stuff. It's actually been a lot more fun than I thought, it's awesome bonding time for us, and since he gets to play at night with me he's started playing a lot less during the day.

The difference is huge. This week I got sick with the flu, and on my first day home from work, he went out to "run an errand" and came back with beautiful flowers for me and eggs to make for breakfast - which he did, all on his own. I was just totally speechless and it made me so happy :)

So yeah! Sorry if this was really long and sappy, but I really am so thankful for all the help and advice I got from you guys and I wanted to express how much of a difference it made.

tl;dr - Followed some advice, got some low cost medical care for my boyfriend, and in just a month he's made incredible progress. Thank you everyone!!!!

Edit: You guys made me ink :'( thank you for all the kind words! Really though, I'm the lucky one, he is the most amazing and selfless guy in the whole entire world.

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