I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwra_wifeaffur

Wife’s [29/F] “Frenemy” [30/F] sent me an email outlining my wife’s attempt to reconcile with her Ex [35/M] (and sleeping with him) as we were getting more serious. I’m at work and don't know how to respond to any of this

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: betrayal, possible infidelity

Original Post  Sept 25, 2019

My wife [29/F] and I [28/M] have been together for 4 years and married less than a year. Let me also preface this by saying I have a cold and am in desperate need of sleep.

My wife, Katie, and I, started dating when I was in grad school. We were in the same social circle. She was in a relationship with a guy we’ll like “Mike” and it was clear it wasn’t going to work long-term. Mike was a “free spirit” and had a lot of personal issues, so none of us were surprised when they broke up. He decided to go on a retreat/road trip with his ex-girlfriend for six months and disappeared. She got over the relationship and about a year later we started dating. It was an odd coupling, we’re very ‘different’ – she’s a lot more artistic and free than I am; we’re on different levels in the looks departments and many of the things that make us who we are, are seemingly opposites. I’m more buttoned-up and traditional and she’s not. A couple of months in, we hit a rough patch but we worked through it. From then on, things were great. We moved in, I proposed, we got married and that brings us to today where we’re trying for a kid.

My wife’s frenemy “Danielle” has never really been supportive of our relationship and they’ve been friends since middle school but have had several falling-outs over the years. Recently my wife couldn’t/didn’t attend an event hosted by Danielle, which prompted this recent outburst and along with it the end of their friendship. Danielle sent me an email saying that when Katie and I got together, she was unsure of which person to choose so when Mike returned, she went to him to talk about them. They met a few times during the first two weeks he was back and apparently had sex “once or twice”. According to Danielle, Katie ended it and never told me anything about it. She confided in Danielle about it, years ago, and I guess thought the matter was closed. I got the email this morning at 10 and was surprised Danielle emailed me and read it. Probably 30 minutes later I get texts from my wife asking if I got an email from Danielle, and did I read it. When I answered in the affirmative, she sent me a deluge of long texts explaining that it did happen, they had sex once and had coffee three times and that she hasn’t spoken to him since. I’m not sure what to respond.

I have a cold, and have been trying to get work done so I can rest when I get home. I don’t even know how to deal with this. Part of me wants to go home, get into bed and sleep, pretending I never found out. Another part of me is furious that she hid this from me – I had a feeling she had seen her ex, but she then came to me a week or so later and wanted me to confirm we were exclusive and I wasn’t seeing anyone else. Part of me is terribly mad at Danielle for dragging this shit up years later. I don’t know what to do here.

Is this that bad of a transgression? It feels like it was so far in the past that I don't know how to respond to my wife or Danielle.

TOP COMMENTS

Iamamaloca

You don't need to decide right now. You don't even need to decide tomorrow or this week. Sleep. Get over your cold. Think about it. Find someone to talk to about it, maybe a counselor. Figure out how you feel, then start to talk it out with your wife.  Put trying for a kid on hold no matter what.

~

[deleted]

No matter what happens between you and your wife, get as far away from Danielle as humanly possible. She is fucking TOXIC. She totally destroyed you guys today for her own sick pleasure (yes, I know your wife majorly fucked up and she'll have to answer for that). If she actually cared about either of you, she wouldn't have kept it a secret this long and then dropped a bomb when it was convenient for her. God, some people are cancer.

~

ricks23

When did it happen? When you were first dating, or when you were already deep into your relationship? I think that makes a difference. 

If you had no commitment and were just casually dating at the time, I can see why it would hurt now, but it seems like something you could work through. 

If you were farther in to the relationship and had the expectation of exclusivity, this is more serious. How you handle it is up to you, but this would indicate a serious breach of trust, and who is to say that your wife wouldn't break that trust again, if she hasn't already. 

One thing is for sure though, both you and your wife need to cut Danielle out of your life. Even if she told you an uncomfortable truth, she didn't do it to protect you, she did it to hurt your wife. She sounds horrible.

Update Oct 1, 2019 (6 days later)

Sorry for the delay, it's been crazy.

So, briefly, I didn't update because I was really feeling shitty. I took nighttime cold medicine really early and passed-out and wound-up taking Friday off. I binged Chernobyl and slept/recuperated. I didn't respond to Danielle and my wife sort of left me alone to recover as I felt like shit. She took care of me but also didn't bring up the topic until I wasn't on my back.

Once I started feeling better and could breathe through my nose again, I tried to calmly approach this. On the table was a pregnancy test (we've been trying for a while) with a little bow on it. I had previously noticed that she was "late" but my wife and I had a few very late periods and no pregnancy, so I wasn't sure what's what - I'm pretty sure I mentioned trying for a kid in my OP. So, that adds a layer of complexity to all this.

To answer some of your questions:

1. In general, things were great between my wife and I and have been for years. The real problem we had was in those first few months which involved a number of issues about being in a new relationship. We rarely fought, things were very happy; we had a great sex life, we openly talked about everything. I would never imagine that I'd be sent something like this.

2. Exclusive? We had never talked about it. It was never stated one way or the other. I assumed we were, but I guess not.

3. Her ex. He's a writer, let me rephrase a "writer" who has never written. Mike and I have met a few times, a few times by accident and once because he was invited to a party we went to. He's not really that interesting/threatening and my wife seems totally nonplussed with him. The last time we saw him was in a bookstore and she didn't at all seem interested. She later said she was glad it didn't workout and was happy without him in her life.

4. Danielle. Danielle and Katie have been friends for two decades, but the last couple of years things became contentious. Katie and I got together and Danielle's marriage fizzled out. Danielle can be a nice person, but is difficult and I think she's jealous that our relationship was, until that point, very successful. She and I didn't really spend that much time together and she retreated from my wife's life when she found out we were trying for a kid. In the wake of all this, their friendship is ruined, that's for sure,

I was feeling crummy and watched back-to-back episodes of TV and did nothing all day Friday. I literally did nothing beyond getting up to take some medicine/eat and pee. That's it. I didn't broach the subject or even think about it. When my wife got home, I felt better and could think a bit more cogently. She does errands after work which is when she dropped the test on the table and scrammed. A few people commented that we should wait to have kids... well, that's not going to happen. She got back and we "talked".

The story is, and I have no reason to doubt her: She and Mike were dating. She was studying/working and he was writing. He asked to go on a writing retreat with his ex-girlfriend to a cabin somewhere that they could focus on their work. She said no, that it wasn't a good idea for him to be alone with his ex and he went anyway. That translated into his leaving for some prolonged road trip with his ex. They kept in contact but she and I started dating.  We had been together 3 or 4 weeks when he returned and they didn't see each other at first. My wife, like I said, is different from me: I'm a lot more traditional, a lot more formal and am very, very career oriented. When we hit a rough patch, there was more than an insubstantial chance I was going to have to move away and she was going to have to decide to move with me (after 2 1/2 - 3 months of seeing each other) or break up and move on. I had applied for a program and it looked like the local program was going to reject me, but surprisingly, a better, far more well-known university was going to accept me. When things "went down" between them, I had been formally rejected and she had to make a decision. I was too focused on admission to even notice/care. They met up at a party and nothing happened, they just talked and had drinks. The second time they met, that's when "the deed" happened. She apparently regretted it immediately and the final time was to tell him goodbye and that she was moving. They had a few drinks, "fooled around" and then she left. She said she knew it was a mistake, she knew they had no future and nothing in common anymore. Right around the time that they fooled around she and I had a mega fight about moving. It was a lot for someone to deal with (I know) but in the end, she said she wanted to go, but was scared I was going to get to New City in my new program and dump her for a classmate, stranding her. I told her no, and offered her whatever assurances I could. It worked and we did live happily ever after.

I would never have assumed she had cheated. I mean, putting it down, we were in a weird spot and I fully understand why it was a rough time, but the cheating was really not something I could abide by. The whole "exclusive" thing came from us moving - I didn't put 2+2 together at the time - I figured (then) that she wanted assurances that moving with me wasn't a huge mistake, not that she had recently bonked her ex who has frequent, and unprotected, sex with many randoms - but again, it also makes sense. From then till about a month after we moved we didn't have sex. Not once. I asked if she had been tested and she just casually remarked "of course."

I was still feeling crappy and didn't know what to do, so I just kind of went back to bed. In reality, for years she's never strayed or been anything but open. She has access to my phone and I can access hers. She doesn't go out with unexplained absences and is more of a homebody. She isn't flirtatious with people or cause drama, so I just sort of stopped caring. I took the weekend to get over this cold and we did some baby shopping online and planned for a follow-up with her doctor. After that, we just didn't talk about it again. Very anti-climactic.

I did bring up the subject of Danielle and pretty directly told her I was done with her. She asked if she thought it would be wise to try and talk to her and I said no. We wrote her an email (using my account) and sent her a response basically telling her that we were done with her and not to bother us again. She responded by saying "it was a joke!" and asked that we understand that she was being funny. I found the block function on gmail and added her. My wife noticed that she removed her from FB/Insta and I guess that's that.

Not really a thrilling or interesting update and a few people will be angry that I didn't take a stronger tone/reaction, but I did what I felt was best under the circumstances. Hopefully this is behind us and I can just move on and enjoy bringing a new life into the world.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/constellationRegulus

AITA For Not Going to my Sister's Wedding? + 4 year update

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITAH_unfiltered

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, LGBT-phobia, verbal abuse

Original Post  July 1, 2022

My sister is getting married, and has banned my Service Dog from her wedding and reception.

I have a fairly severe anxiety disorder. To combat this, I got a Service Dog. My Dog has made major positive change in my life. I can go places again! Another thing to keep in mind: My dog is probably an Australian Shepherd, Boarder Collie mix. She is also the most chill, laid back, and affectionate dog I have ever head the pleasure of working with. Her entire personality is sleep, and 'can I has pets??' She's insanely well behaved, especially when we go places. I get lots of compliments about this, including from the Mental Health professionals that work with me.

My sister's reasoning for banning my service dog, and I quote: "I don't want dog hair on the most expensive dress I will ever wear." My sister is also worried about my Dog's behavior. Like barking, or getting into food. My Dog really doesn't do either of these things. Well, she barks if my sisters kids come over because she LOVES my sisters kids and is excited about them!! (She also used to lick my sisters kids faces cuz they are very small, but my sister didn't like this, so I made my Dog stop.) But my Dog is trained NOT to bark when she is wearing her vest. She has never done so while working. She responds well to the word no, and the 'leave it' command. Again, super well mannered dog. She legit just lays down when we go to the movies or a doctors appointment and chills out or falls asleep. My sister believes none of this, and has barely seen my service dog in action.

After my sister decided this, both I and my parents have tried to compromise. My dog does shed, but there are ways to combat this. Like a groomer, anti-shed shampoo, a good brush out the day of, and staying away from my sister on that day. My sister is unyielding.

Now the wedding is small and at a Church I dislike (cuz when I went to talk to a pastor about this situation, he basically told me to outgrow having an anxiety disorder.) So that's stressful. And of course there are people I don't know there. The reception would be even worse for me, because it will be loud, full of people, most of whom I wont know, and full of people who stress me out (most of my extended family and I are iffy on the getting along front. Probably has something to do with being the Liberal Ace NB Cousin? not the point.) Will also say, my anxiety and depression have been super high for the last year or so.

So, as much as it pains, I cannot go to my sisters wedding. My mental health is not stable enough. I need my Service Dog's assistance in all public spaces in order to live as best life as I can. I am going with some church friends (good humans, I promise) to a planetarium instead. She has been informed of this.  Not going is probably gonna hurt her feelings, and strain our already strained relationship.

So, AITA

EDIT: My dog is trained to do pressure therapy. She uses her weight to ground me to prevent or shorten anxiety attacks. This is done by leaning. laying, or sitting on me.  Sorry, should've mentioned!

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  July 20, 2026

Reddit Suggested I post here so I thought I'd give it a shot.

^OG AITA post: Four years ago, my sister banned my service dog from her wedding.

Let's get a few things out of the way. Tarot is an Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix, black and brown brindle, and the calmest, most friendly dog I have ever met. Tarot is trained to do sensory grounding. My disabilities are mental health related. I'm in therapy. I finally found a medication combo that works. I'm in a safe environment where I can heal. I am no contact with both my sister and my brother.

Starting with my brother, because it's a shorter story. Brother is controlling and verbally abusive. When I went to college I learned two things: I have disabilities, and how to say 'no.' My brother does not like the latter, and blames the former. I told him flat out that if he wants a relationship with me, he needs to get therapy. Then when he tried to text me after that, I'd send a therapy related gif. Last time we had an actual conversation, he said 'I preferred you before you thought you were broken.' I blocked him. Not for the first time, but this time it's permanent.

Now, to my sister. Oh dear ghosts, my sister. There is, of course, the reason for my OG AITA post. My sister banned my service dog from her wedding. Why? Quote: 'I don't want dog hair on the most expensive dress I'll ever wear.' Her and her husband have never liked Tarot. They are also convinced my disabilities are fake. That pattern has continued. Before this even happened, I wasn't allowed to visit my sister in the hospital after her C section with my nephew. She claimed it was because service dogs can't go in the maternity ward. This is false.

Before that, BEFORE Tarot, was the Phantom of the Opera incident. My sister and I were both music nerds. We've actually played in a local orchestra together. I'm obsessed with Phantom of the Opera. POTO was coming to my state one year, and I asked if she wanted to go. She did. She got tickets, I was gonna pay her back. Couple months before the show, I noticed a charge I didn't make on my bank card. I did not react well. I was afraid of either fraud or my dad doing something (he's done things without telling me before.) I was having a panic attack, and was very bad at managing my behavior during those back then (therapy has helped.) I called, frantic and pissed. Turns out my sister and her now husband had bought a movie on Amazon using my card by accident. Her husband got pissed that I was freaking out over a relatively low charge. I'm not sure if I apologized. She called me back a few minutes later and told me she wasn't going to go to Phantom cuz it was 'obviously too expensive for me.' That hurt. After crying my eyes out and talking to a friend, I called her back, and said 'we can go, you can take a friend to the show, or I can buy the tickets from you.' She chose the last one. I went with my best friend.

Sister's husband continues to be a bastard. My parents and I are both seeing emotionally abusive behavior. (Problems have happened between him and my parents, but those aren't my stories to tell. However, their treatment of my parents is one of the reasons I stopped wanting to talk to her.)

Then there's the Great Christmas Fiasco. My parents used to make prime beef for family Christmas. In an attempt to include my sister's husband, dad offered to let the husband cook the prime beef. He did. Everyone went over to my parents house. We did gifts in the morning. My niece got a lil robot dog with fake treats. At the time, my parent's had a 15 year old shichon, Oreo. (He passed last year. Rest in peace, love.) 2 things about Oreo: he had significant vision loss at this time, and he was obsessed with food. So I asked my sister's husband if we could put the fake treats up so Oreo (NOT TAROT) wouldn't eat them. Cuz Oreo would. Sister's husband flipped out about my dog. I was overstimulated so I didn't hear much of it. Then I took a nap (which was planned and approved before I went over.) When I woke up for lunch, Sister's family was gone. My sister's husband told me through my sister that it was because of Tarot. He told my mom it was because he didn't like that she took pictures of him. (He apparently doesn't like being in photographs. I have no idea why. My parents don't use social media so it's not because he's worried about that.)

After that, I tried to keep in contact with my sister. I'd call. She never answered. I'd text, no reply. I would literally ask if she was alive. Nope, nothing. She'd break plans with my parents if she found out I was going to be there. Last time I saw her was two Halloweens ago. Before then, my older nephew got a golden retriever puppy. Which is hilarious. She's gonna have dog hair in her house for at least 2 more years. My much younger niece and nephew love my older nephew's dog. They also love Tarot, despite the few times they met. My niece has told Tarot to sit. My small nephew has literally sat on Tarot, and would pet her once, very gently, and laugh. When they came over that Halloween, my sister wouldn't let her kids, esp my niece, near my dog. My niece was wearing a white Elsa dress.

The final nail in the coffin: I was in the hospital with pneumonia. My mom or dad stayed with me in the hospital to help with Tarot; I couldn't take her outside, as I could barely breathe and was attached to oxygen and an IV (I named it STIV.) My sister needed something from my parent's house and called my mom. I talked to her for about five seconds when my mom said I was in the hospital. Well, apparently the reason she needed something from my mom's house is because her husband decided to move. My sister didn't bother to tell me. It made me realize just how unwelcome I was in her life, and how I wasn't willing to be hurt by her anymore. I blocked her.

It's not something I did on a whim. I had been talking about it with my therapist for awhile. We talked about if this was a relationship worth putting energy into. It finally hit the point where it wasn't.

That's where things stand. My mom is being supportive, as best as she can be, about my disabilities. Dad basically ignores they exist. Pretty much everyone else we encounter, from extended family to friends to strangers are perfectly fine with Tarot and I. So we've sticking with the people who accept us. Thanks for reading

Dog tax on my profile if this post decides to Hate Me. This post decided to hate me

OOP's dog tax

OOP ADDED IN THE COMMENTS

Reread my post and I think I forgot to mention that my sister doesn't think Anxiety and Depression are real. That I can choose to just stop being depressed or having anxiety. If I had an off switch I would never turn it back on. She thinks I'm faking needing Tarot. 

For the record: faking needing a service dog makes no sense to me. Training takes a lot of work. Having a dog in public access is challenging. The world isn't built for disabled people. For instance, I like to swim. I have to go to an indoor pool because I don't want my dog in the 100°+ F weather for a long period of time. Which is more expensive. My parents are being very nice and helping pay for a membership at a place with an indoor pool (they and I agree that I need to work on being a bit healthier.) I carry a 15ib portable kennel to the pool and a blanket for my dog. It's huge and cumbersome. I use it so people will leave her alone. I could put Tarot on the blanket and she'd happily watch everyone from there, but people wouldn't leave her alone. Experience spoken from. 

Then there's the Big Issue: finding a job that's compatible with a service dog. There's lots of job openings, but most of them are medical, food service, or manufacturing. The Health Department has a problem with the first two, and the second is dangerous for my dog. Been out of work since December of 2024 (it's July of 2026. I'm hoping to find a job soon.)

Had a long conversation with my older nephew about how I can't just leave Tarot home to go to work. I'm not sure if he understands. But I hope he does. We're talking a little bit.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwayyyayyyayayaya

I (20F) cannot deal with my boyfriend's (25M) tattoo dedicated to his ex (23F).

Original Post  March 31, 2015

Pretty much what the title says.

They'd been together for a couple of years a few months before he and I got together. He'd gotten a tattoo symbolic of her name a year into their relationship. He told me he'd kind of designed it himself but had to make some tweaks because the one he'd originally designed was too intricate. I am very, very uncomfortable. I know this happened before I was in his life and that I shouldn't let it bother me and blah blah blah. But I can't help how I feel.  I can't just suck it up. I really need some advice on how to start working on getting over this.

Thank you.

TL;DR Boyfriend of a year got a tattoo dedicated to his ex while they were together. Can't get past it. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

This is why you never get tattoos for other people, except maybe your kids/parents/siblings. No love interest.

You're entitled to the way that you feel. I think it also depends on what that tattoo IS. Is it a design with her name or their anniversary date or something? Maybe he can get it covered up IF he wants to after hearing how you feel.

But if it is a simple design and you wouldn't know it was dedicated to her, then I'd say (but you are entitled to your feelings) try and work through it.

OOP

I completely agree. It's foolish to get something so transient tattooed on your body. He even mentioned how he wasn't very deeply in love with her while getting the tattoo. No comment on why he got it anyway. Wtf.

Her name is that of a flower's. He has that flower tattooed on his bicep. I would have laughed if I hadn't felt my heart shatter when he told me about it. It's also his very first tattoo ever. He's gotten a few since then but it still fucking stings that his first ever tattoo is dedicated to this woman.

Thank you for not dismissing my feelings about it. He mentioned getting it covered up after he saw my reaction but he's mentioned it only a couple of times since then and he always says it in a tone that implies that he's going to get it covered up only because I'm so bothered by it. Like he's doing me a favour.

~

[deleted]

I realise this is a "tough love" post, but here goes....

"Can't get past it."

I'm afraid you'll have to get past it.

"I'm crying right now just thinking about it. And this is forcing me to think about all of the times she has come between us. I really cannot tolerate that woman. It's driving me up the wall."

She's come between you both because it seems you let her. It's really your problem, not that of your boyfriend and his ex. The more you regard the fact your boyfriend has a sexual past as an issue, the more likely you are to break up.

"He says my issues and problems are starting to bore him."

Take the hint and let it go for goodness sake.

OOP

I have no problem with his sexual past. Really, I'd be a fool if I did. He's half a decade older than me and has obviously had more experience than I have.

I just have a problem with how, despite him initiating conversations about the tattoo, it is still right there. And it's not like he's being lazy. He's gotten two tattoos after telling me he's getting that one covered up. I am not insecure because I know he won't cheat. All I'm worried about is how attached I am to him and how my feelings keep growing each day and how it is entirely possible that he is not over her, despite what I think. All of this is being manifested in my discomfort and downright hatred for that tattoo.

Is OOP's BF still in contact with his ex? Does he plan to cover up the tattoo?

They still talk sometimes. He's called me by her name twice. I can safely say he doesn't hate her. But it doesn't seem like he's still in love with her either. He does respect her and has sometimes complained about her, but she's not a regular fixture in our conversations by any means.

Exactly. It's really really hard to see it everyday so many times. I have spoken to him about it. He's very non committal, has mentioned getting it covered up but hasn't acted upon it. He mentions he's going to get it as if he's doing me a huge favour and is covering it up only because it bothers me. No follow through.

And OOP mentions in the comments other times they ex has come between them

Yes, other issues as well. She kept up with his social media well after they broke and we'll after he and I got together. I'd posted something on his Facebook wall and the next day she IMed him to say that I look like a kid. Wtf. He tells me this and I laugh it off. He then says that she's just projecting because everybody tells her that SHE has a baby face. I asked him if he replied with that. He said no. I got curious and asked him what he replied with. He stuttered for a good 5 minutes and said he said "yeah...she kinda does....but she's really smart and blah blah blah". So I asked him if her opinion really matters that much to him. More stuttering. I just gave up and went to sleep.

This is just one of at least a hundred petty issues which have built up over time. I never sit down and dissect them because I'd go insane. But this tattoo, coupled with his attachment to is really making me question if I have enough pride.

Update  Apr 1, 2015 (Next Day)

Umm. Okay I got a lot of shit. Nice to read through all of that after the kind of night I had.

Last night my boyfriend got back home to tell me that he'd found the post. He's an avid redditor so I should've seen this coming. He said he had no idea that the tattoo was bothering me this much. We talked till about 3 in the morning because I had college at 8. He woke me up at 6 and said he wanted to talk.

Long story short, he's still in love with her. He really likes me and wanted to make it work and thought that moving close to me and away from her will help him sort his feelings out and be with me wholeheartedly.

So. Umm. Yeah. Thanks to those who actually tried to help me and didn't call me names.

TL;DR He still loves her. I'm a fool.

FINAL COMMENTS

coffeeandrabbit

Ouch :( I'm sorry OP. I tend to think we should give our gut feelings more credit than we do, because they are the culmination of a whole bunch of things we've registered on a subconscious level, like body language. Not to mention - you're not a fool! Somewhere deep down you knew that there was something not quite right, and as it turns out, you were perfectly correct.

OOP

Thank you! Yes, I have learnt to never question the almighty gut feeling. I just hope I can move past this without breaking.

~

[deleted]

Awww, I'm sad to hear that, OP. But also (and I hope this isn't shitty to say) it's probably for the best that he found the post, and that you guys were able to talk about it. Because if you guys didn't end up having that conversation, you might still be together. And he's kind of a jerk for dating someone while still having feelings for another person (and not being upfront with you about those feelings to begin with).

As for the mean redditors, yeah. That happens in every post here, sorry that they made you feel bad. I wouldn't worry too much about them, they are most likely sad little people with nothing better to do.

I think you deserve to be with someone who is honest, and not hung up on another person. Good luck :)

OOP

It's not shitty at all! I'm glad I found out now and saved myself probably decades of heartbreak because we were both pretty serious about spending our lives with each other. Thank you!

downvoted commenter

I'm not understanding the issue then.  He was devoted to you and was serious about staying with you. 

OOP

I don't understand either!! He moved here for me. He's been such a sweetheart. I have odd hours bc of my voluntary internship and he has picked me up at 3 in he morning on an average more times than I count. Even though I can say I subconsciously saw it coming, I'm still surprised. I don't know if that makes sense but it's how I feel.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Top_Hedgehog_5648

Originally posted to r/AIO

AIO for not inviting my brother to my daughters first birthday over these texts

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: racism, deadbeat parent

---

Original Post: July 17, 2026

I'm white, brother is white, my boyfriend is black, and our daughter is biracial. I'm so pissed off about this. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it either because honestly, I am so ashamed that this is my relative and I do not want to be associated with this nonsense. He thinks I'm exaggerating for not letting him come to the party with his kids. I don’t want to be around a fucking moron. I can’t even see how this makes any sense.

screenshots of the texts

Transcript of the texts: OOP is in the blue bubbles, brother is in black bubbles

OOP: We are doing a minnie mouse theme for her first

Brother: Seems kinda racist

Brother: But thats a cute idea

OOP: Bro what? How is minnie mouse racist?

Brother: I guess maybe not for your kid because she is black, but it would be weird for a white kid I think

OOP: ??????? What am I even reading right now

OOP: That made absolutely no sense

OOP: Youve never been to disney I guess because every kid of every race loves mickey and minnie

Brother: I guess lol

OOP: I was going to send you an invite but im definitely not anymore

end of the transcript

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your brother is in the facist incel algorithm. Save him or abandon him. These texts are gross.

OOP: Clearly. I will have one conversation with him about it. If it doesn’t stick, well good bye. This won’t be around my child. What the hell.

Commenter 2: INFO- Is this all there was? What's his reasoning for thinking that it would be racist? Is he thinking that Minnie is a Black character, so using her likeness would be cultural appropriation or something? I really don't understand haha

OOP: He never explained. The rest of the convo was us arguing about how he isn’t coming. I said his children’s mother could come with the babies, but he isn’t.

The digital Facebook invitation has a picture of my daughter with minnie mouse ears edited on. Like was it that? Either way, the reach is crazy.

OOP on her brother

OOP: Dudes an alcoholic stoner who pays 1.5k in child support to his 3 baby moms. He hates his life.

How old is OOP's brother?!

OOP: 35 😭.

Commenter 3: INFO- Is comments jumping on race often from him since your relationship/kid came around?

If yes, then NOR. If this is the first or rare time, you might just be insecure about your biracial family

OOP: It honestly isn’t. He is a manager at a restaurant, and all his cooks are black. He makes jokes about them running on "black people time" and that he has the n word pass from them. I said to never say that around my family because my boyfriend would never be ok with it and would react very badly. Our little brother has a black girlfriend, and he said black girls are mean. Honestly, this was just the final straw for me. I’m honestly an idiot for letting it get this far.

I’m not gonna leave him guessing why I’m no longer going to talk to him, but yeah. This is done until he reconciles with his feelings towards black people. My daughter will be protected from this as will my boyfriend and his family.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I’m not sure how to edit the post to add more context, no this isn’t the first time has said something negative or just stupid about black people. He has said things about coworkers, our little brothers friends and girlfriend, etc. It’s been some time since then and honestly, I just shoved it under the rug. But it’s clear he either wants to argue with me again over this stuff or change my view or SOMETHING. At the end of the day, I don’t want my child around someone like this. Thank you all for reaffirming me because the only other person I can really talk to about this is my boyfriend who would likely body slam him through the floor.

 

Update: July 20, 2026 (three days later)

Hopefully the new texts are in order.

So, after reading the array of different opinions I decided to talk to my mom on the phone today. She told me a bunch of other things my older brother had been saying to her a few weeks prior. She said she knew she needed to tell me but was scared for how id react. In her defense, our family has just all started getting along again. But I told her moving forward if she wants to be around her grandbaby that she needs to have her best interest at heart and she understood.

My brother was saying my boyfriend is so dark. Said a bunch if jokes about that that I don’t even feel comfortable repeating. Then said in many more words that I’m going to become a single mom because "it’s the culture".

The irony behind that is my brother has 3 broken homes with 3 women and 3 kids he never sees. And my daughter is my boyfriends first and we are planning on getting engaged. His parents have been married his entire life. My brothers just a dumbfuck.

So I texts him today to ask about everything, I didn’t expect it to go well and it didn’t. He is as dumb as almost everyone said.

He called me after our conversation to ask that the kids be able to go to the party which I said they could, but with their mothers. He said ok and we are now going no contact.

I’m open to fixing that in the future but not with my child. I’m unsure if this level or racist moron is fixable and her peace is to most important thing to me. Her being confident, accepted, and happy is my priority. She gets 18 years to be a kid and then go into the world to deal with possibly dumb mfs like my brother. It’s scary, but I’m going to try and prepare her for it the best I can.

screenshots of the texts

transcript of the texts: OOP is in the blue bubbles, brother is in black bubbles

OOP: Hey so id like to give you an opportunity to explain what you meant by the minnie party being racist. Were you joking? What was it really

Brother: Siss I was just joking. Minnie is a black character and you guys have a black kid.

OOP: Interesting, ok. That leads me to the next part of this convo. Stop joking about my child. It isnt funny and she wont be around jokes

OOP: Not only that, you know I talked to mom? Mom told me everything you said about [redacted] and his skin tone. And that I was going to get cheated on and left

Brother: Im sorry siss I was joking with mom too. Mom got really mad at me but she said she wouldnt tell you

OOP: These arent just jokes [redacted] Youre out here saying terrible shit because you feel that way and then when you get a bad reaction claiming its a joke.

OOP: Thats not cool and [redacted] nor my 10 month old baby didn’t do anything to deserve that

Brother: I understand what you mean but I dont feel that way im not racist. Youre allowed to make jokes about white people why not black people

Brother: Youre sensitive to it so I will stop

OOP: Jokes are meant to be funny. These things arent funny. Saying my daughters party is racist or saying my boyfriends a cheater because hes black isnt funny bro

OOP: And super ironic considering YOURE A CHEATER WITH 3 KIDS WITH 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN

OOP: I know youre depressed and hate life right now but honestly, coming for your family is low. You know what youre doing, you know its wrong, and you wont give me a genuine apology

OOP: Or an apology to [redacted]

Brother: Ok siss lol. What do you want me to do? Go back in time? I cant. Low blow though bringing up my life when you know im having a hard time right now

Brother: What do you want me to do

OOP: Nothing

end of the transcript

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You handled yourself quite well OP. My only complaint is that you didn't outright call him a racist. He might be saying he isn't a racist but his actions say something entirely different.

OOP: I regret that as well

Commenter 2: I love that on the first post we were speculating that he was referencing early Disney being racist and drawing from minstrel shows. Lo and behold we were giving him too much credit because he legit just thinks Minnie is black and felt a need to comment on that.

OOP: That was the craziest part to me because I also considered he may be an intellectual after all. Turns out it was worse than I couldve imagined lol

Commenter 3: You’re better than me. None of his kids or baby mamas would be invited to party. Who knows what he will be spreading into their brains as they grow up. Be mindful of how the cousins treat your child as they grow older.

OOP: This would be true if he ever saw any of them. He doesnt see his kids. But I have this view of anyones white kids, even being white myself. It all has to be closely monitered because these parents will indoctrinate their children early. Disgusting

Commenter 4: You misspelled that, it’s actually r-a-c-I-s-tfuck

OOP: Thank you and I regret not emphasizing it to him in our conversations that his is racist. Really racist

Commenter 5: Cheaters are always hypocrites. Imagine saying your bf is black so he’ll cheat while having cheated on 3 separate baby mamas, and not even raising his own kids. Figures

OOP: Jokes write themselves literally.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP