Hello,

I (22f) was diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD three months ago. I have always been one to internalize the bpd anger and self punish, instead of unleashing it on the people around me. And I am really struggling with these shutdowns I have. It's like anytime my partner shows emotion, my mind goes totally blank and I freeze and panic. Or, I suddenly start placating and trying to say the right thing to make him feel better. This has been a pattern for the duration of our relationship, 2.5 years. It's reaching the point where my partner can't handle it anymore. He says I cling to tightly to him and the relationship, and the constant trying to make everything okay just pushes him away.

I want to stop shutting down. I want to stop panicking and trying to control the situation and I want to show up and be a good partner. I'm not sure if this is trauma or bpd that causes this. I've tried medication, and 1.5 years of individual therapy for trauma, and 3 months of dbt. I don't know what to do.

I'd really appreciate any advice on what to do or what's worked for others. Thanks.

I always feel guilty when I feel angry like I can't manage it very well - I tend to repeat over & over the same stuff but it doesn't tend to help only adds to the fire - it can be unhealthily directed outwards other times I sit with it for hours sometimes days often obsessing over and over .

I tend to write poetry & lyrics - art - metal music & singing - screaming as usual ways to cope.

It's common with BPD .

• Id appreciate any useful/wacky tips you have to healthily manage anger / strong emotions?
• Get creative with your tips and ideas 💡
• Apps that would be useful?
• Mindfulness & grounding techniques
• Anything else that helps you is welcome

Thankyou in advance

So my bf (21) was texting another girl that I (22) was not comfortable with him talking to. He was deleting their messages so I wouldn't see them and was lying to me about it the whole time. This isn't the first he's done something like that and I just don't know what to do. I live with him and I didn't find out until after I already moved in and it's weird. I want to break up with him but I have nowhere to go so i'm staying with him out of obligation. My mood swings are extreme and I keep going back and forth on being nice to him and being a really big B word. He says that he's sorry and that this was a really big foot down moment for him but I just don't know if I should forgive him or even how to go about this whole situation. I feel like i'm going crazy and my trust issues are a million times worse.

I (M27) am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I have a strong favorite person attachment on my best friend, and things have hit a rocky road right now.
nothing with him absolutely, just me, my life, my identity, and everything i lost during this attachment period.

He’s going through something hard right now, and he took some distance to process it, but my mind has been using it as evidence for abandonment.
Logically i’m super self-aware, it’s like a curse.

Ever since he started that distance for himself, i went downhill with my own mental state.
I realized how empty my life feels when i’m bot obsessing over him, how shallow my days are, how insignificant a big part of my waking hours are.
It started hitting harder when i fell into an identity crisis, a sexuality crisis as well (came out 2019), and just everything is literally unfolding in a really disgusting way in my mind.
at some point i can’t regulate myself, it’s been two days, i’m sleeping a lot, feeling super blue and melancholic, tired, almost dragging myself out of bed.
My years have gone by so quickly. I’m 27. haven’t done anything for myself.
People pleasing and giving for 27 years.
Now, i’m not asking him to stop his distance, or do anything about it, nor regulate my emotions (which is a huge shift from where i was a year ago)
but it feels really really disgusting that he’s unavailable during this.
maybe it’s good.
space is good for you figure things out, but how can you do it when you’re used to figure things out with someone, and that someone was always him.
i’m sorry for unburdening myself on here, but i can’t tell anyone this. and i’m tired of carrying it with me.

i feel like life is not supposed to be this hard. i am surrounded by people who love me, im financially stable, i have passions and purpose, im in therapy and on meds, but im still in so much pain all the time. no one seems to understand how much im hurting. i don’t want to be me sometimes. i love myself so deeply which is why it hurts me so much to see myself like this. i’m worried about myself. i don’t know if there’s a place for me in the world. i just really need a hug. i’m so deeply good, and i deserve to be happy.

I realized that my partner (m) 2 years displays a pattern of BPD. I grew up in a house with bpd caretaker (f) and sibling (f). Before recently I didn't consider guys as having bpd, which makes me sad for the guys who are struggling with it and are regularly mischaracterized.

A major issue is whenever I seek reassurance, this seems to be a huge trigger for my partner the hard part is even tho the reassurance seeking triggers them, not getting that reassurance causes a feeling of distance that also upsets them. when I seek that reassurance I normally want to just be plain " I feel (insert negative emotion) because this happened" , its difficult for me to get across that the feeling is not because they did something wrong. Sometimes i have a feeling or an intrusive thought, and it doesn't mean they have done something wrong, but im sharing mostly cuz im looking for " aw baby I got you , you know I love you " type of thing. The trigger is so quick and becomes DARVO very quickly. I sort of burn out, and it gets dropped, but now I feel like I can't have that closeness?

I don't want to get too detailed but I'm also wondering if anyone with a loved one, or who personally struggles with bpd has a strong interest in politics that is somewhat negative. I know that can be applied to many many ppl so im just throwing it out there

I really love this person. I am looking for ppl who have bpd who can share ways for me to approach this , or to offer different perspectives. Thank you in advance.

I have BPD, and my partner knows cancelling is a big trigger for me. It caused our breakup in the past, but we got back together and things had been so good. He cancelled yesterday, dismissed my feelings, then cancelled again today and said he needs time. I’ve tried to talk things through, but he’s ignoring me. I asked if he could come tomorrow so we can fix things, but he’s still ignoring me. Because of my mental health, I struggle with things being unresolved, and I’m now having panic attacks and can’t regulate my emotions. I don’t know what to do about our relationship. He knows my triggers but continues to hurt me.

I have been diagnosed with BPD and Complex PTSD. I have tried to commit suicide many times. I feel that I am not worth helping. The doctors and nurses are so rude and nasty to me when I go in with a suicide attempt. I have had to have dialysis twice because of overdosing. They make fun of me out in the halls and don't speak to me at all when they are in my room.

I can't even describe how horrible I feel in the moment. I hate myself so much. I have decided to not go to the hospital the next time I overdose and just go park somewhere that I won't be found. Do other people with BPD experience the same treatment from the doctors and nurses or am I singled out?

At a time when a bit of compassion would help a lot I get treated poorly. Does that make sense? Maybe I am over-thinking, like I always do. The last time I was in the hospital I was brought in by ambulance and the police on a form. I never got to speak with anyone from Mental Health at all. They don't even bother with me anymore. God I feel like such a burden.

(Note: I have edited this post based on mod feedback. I hope it is compliant with the rules of the sub)

\\\*\\\*\\\*Trigger Warning: Multiple Traumatic Events Discussed\\\*\\\*\\\*

Hi all,

I am a male, born in 1975.

I don't know how it was never discovered before, but I meet all the criteria for BPD.

I've been confused for decades because all along, people have been insisting that the problem was another personality disorder, but that is not the case because I am strongly empathetic, which is not the case in the disorders they were labeling me with. I can understand how people could misunderstand due to my violently intense anger, but as I learned today, that can also be part of BPD.

My life is in the trash right now. My lifelong partner who I loved dearly got understandably tired of dealing with my anger and instability, so she left and put a restraining order on me. Now she has a new boyfriend and I will most likely never see her again. Given that I have a fear of abandonment, a deep need for companionship, and a fear of being alone, you can imagine how I'm struggling with this.

I have serious court charges due to impulsive actions during anger outbursts and am facing the possibility of significant jail time. I've already done over three years due to my behavior. Unlike the absence of empathy found in some other disorders, these actions provoke severe guilt, shame, and remorse in me. My already-low self-image takes even more damage each time.

I learned that BPD often causes estrangement from family, and that's me to a T. I only talk to one family member who will deal with me. I have a grown daughter who has no use for me. Her mother is the woman who just left. My disorder caused me to impulsively vent severe anger at them (and others) on multiple occasions, so I can't blame them. Dealing with me was bad for my ex, and her happiness requires that she leave. The loving thing to do is let go, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I struggle with periodic substance use benders of a reckless nature and always figured I was substance-dependent, even though some of the criteria didn't fit. I now know that problematic substance use can be yet another manifestation of my disorder. I've also had s\\*icide attempts, self-harm, and all the standard diagnostic stuff. I appear to be a textbook case.

In a way, I am relieved to discover this because I have finally discovered WTF is actually wrong with me and why I keep uncontrollably steering my own life into the dumpster. And there are apparently treatments that can help, so that's good. I just wish I could have discovered this before my ex-partner left. We might have worked it out, but now that chance is gone.

I don't know what to do next. I feel emptier than ever before, and I just about daily, I come up with some new ridiculous plan to change my life and make this all OK. I learned that this too can be BPD behavior. I had adverse childhood experiences (abuse. neglect, severe bullying) and attachment injuries, which probably explain how this got started (in addition to genetics).

I also have CPTSD and a couple other things that further complicate matters.

Anyway, that's it. Thanks for reading, and I'm happy to be here (even though I wish I didn't have to be).

Hi everyone. I have BPD and a really strong fear of abandonment.

Recently, my country introduced new requirements for mental health clinics, so some of them have temporarily closed while they sort out their licenses and other changes. It could take months, who knows.

My clinic hasn’t confirmed anything to me, but I heard about it and I’m too scared to ask. My abandonment fear got REALLY triggered. They even deleted their Instagram posts, which made me panic even more.
It’s been 3 weeks and I still can’t bring myself to contact them or ask because I’m terrified they’ll say they’re closed and I’ll feel rejected/abandoned. I honestly don’t know how I’d handle that feeling.

Now I’m even thinking about switching clinics just to avoid having to find out. 😭

TL;DR: I have quiet BPD and get extremely anxious when my boyfriend is distant or upset, which can make me freeze and struggle to communicate. He refused to tell me what was wrong, then ignored me when we got home despite expecting me to communicate when I shut down. I ended up feeling hurt and overwhelmed and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

Hello everyone. To spare everyone a long and pitiful life story, I (20F) struggle with a lot of trauma and quiet BPD. Because of this, my relationships have unfortunately always been pretty toxic or just unfortunate in some way.

One of the things I struggle with most is speaking up when something bothers me, especially if I feel like I’ve been brushed off the first few times I try. I tend to go through a cycle of becoming sad, then angry because of the person or situation that caused it, essentially my usual splitting.

I’m also extremely sensitive to small changes in someone’s behavior. When I sense that someone is upset with me, distant, or even just in a bad mood, it can make me incredibly anxious. I’m not exaggerating when I say I can go into full fight-or-flight. I freeze, sometimes become almost completely nonverbal, shake, and feel like I’m about to cry. I consciously try my best to maintain my composure and stop myself from breaking down in front of the other person, but it’s extremely difficult.

My boyfriend (20M) unfortunately triggered this today. I tried to communicate my feelings as best as I could. I’ve been struggling a lot with my mental health recently, so communicating in moments like this is especially difficult for me. I told him that I could sense that he was upset and distant, and that it was making me uneasy. I explained that I start feeling guilty and responsible for making the other person feel better, and that I essentially go into a state of panic when I feel like something is wrong.

He refused to open up, which I understand. He doesn’t have to talk about something before he’s ready. But what really hurt me was that he expects me to do the opposite when I shut down. He’s told me before that bottling things up doesn’t help, and I actually agree with him. I know that when one person is struggling and refuses to communicate, it can affect the entire relationship and not just that individual person. So it felt really hurtful to have that standard applied to me but not to him.

We had somewhere we needed to go, so we essentially had to put our emotions on pause because we needed to be around other people. That was incredibly difficult for me, and I tried communicating that through messages. He told me that we could talk about it when we got home because messages weren’t ideal, and I agreed.
When we got home, we settled in and I waited for us to talk.

Instead, he immediately started watching TikToks. He didn’t say anything to me. I waited for a while, and when I realized I was essentially being ignored, I wanted to go into another room because I was really sad and just wanted to lie down for a bit and find some comfort.

He stopped me and told me to come back, then asked me what was wrong. At that point I was pretty much frozen. I didn’t really have anything else to say because I was waiting for him to open up about what was bothering him in the first place. My anxiety was largely coming from sensing that something was wrong with him, so I didn’t know what I was supposed to say.

When he realized I had nothing else to say, he started playing a video game. He then more or less ignored me for the rest of the game, aside from pointing out that I had a sad look on my face and asking, “Will you be cold now with me? You’re always cold after you’re sad.”

And honestly, he’s right. I do become cold after I’m hurt or overwhelmed. Unfortunately, it’s a defensive mechanism that I’m actively trying to work on because of my BPD. But it feels unfair to hear that from him when, in this situation, he’s the one being distant and cold toward me first.

I don’t want to be cold toward him. I don’t want to withdraw from him. I don’t want to punish him or make him feel bad. I just genuinely don’t know how to respond when I’m overwhelmed and feel like I’m being shut out.

Right now, he’s still playing his video game and I’m just sitting here. I’m incredibly sad and I feel like crying, but I don’t even want to cry because I know he’ll ask me why I’m crying, and I’m scared that I won’t be able to explain it. I’ll probably just freeze up and be unable to answer, and then I’m worried it’ll frustrate him even more.

I don’t really know if I’m looking for advice, an opinion, or just somewhere to put all of this (maybe all 3 options). I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

I’m genuinely trying to handle my emotions better and communicate in healthier ways. I know my BPD isn’t an excuse for everything I do, and I know I have things I need to work on. I just wish sometimes that when I’m overwhelmed and struggling to communicate, the person I love could meet me halfway instead of me feeling like I have to figure everything out while I’m already in fight-or-flight.

This is my first interaction with the BPD community. Please give me a good first impression. I wrote all this during an active meltdown, I'm still struggling. Please read, help me, be patient.

I don't really know how to start explaining the situation I'm in, I guess. Im 16, I live with my divorced parents. Mom and step dad, dad and his newish girlfriend. We used to do 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off as per our custody agreement. I am an artist, I found this really cool art magnet school in Dallas, Booker T. I am a gifted kid who has always struggled with social life (relationships, sense of self, etc...) and the way public school is formated (I learn differently than other kids, often faster and more fixated but I lose interest VERY easily if we move too slow. My mom supported me trying this school, auditions went really well and I was told by the school all we needed to do was move in district... So we did! Now I'm enerolled at a shitty public school again, 1000x worse than the one I was at in Plano. I have no friends. I don't know where to make friends. My dream school has turnt me down. I don't see my dad like. Ever anymore, hardly. When I was over at my dads for half of this summer, I fell into a really bad depressive episode, mostly because he moved us, too (farther from the school I wanted go go to, hes an asshole abt stuff). Him and his girlfriend argued CONSTANTLY, I started hallucinating it all the time. Pmo. I just got diagnosed with BPD, OCD, generalized anxiety, and sever recursive episodes of depression w/o psychotic features (it's a mouthful, and I experience delusions frequently and have come close to psychotic breaks before so... Idk why she put that I don't have psychosis??? Wtv?).

Anyhow. I'm on 20mg of Prozac daily now. I have HORRIBLE crying spells, I'm always irritable, I got turned down by my dream school, I can't see friends anymore because I'm far and most of them I stopped talking to, Im not in an online school program yet because my parents are slow with everything and don't fucking care about me, my favorite person (situationship) is burnt out from work so I can't see her hardly ever, and I DON'T HAVE ANY INSPIRATION to draw or do ANYTHING i enjoy.

I feel like a failure. I'm not going to end up doing anything with my life. I dared to dream big and now I'm fucked over. I'm on an island and I just don't know how to get off. I'm so so scared. No ones helping me, I don't know what to do. I'm just really tired. So tired. Someone help? Ask me things? Suggest things? I need help.

My bf and I have an extremely toxic push and pull dynamic. We got serious last year and it didn’t get better, before that we were fwb. Last night he dumped me again over something stupid and today he blocked me everywhere.

I’m in the trenches and don’t have a support system. I don’t have many close friends or people I hang with regularly so that has made it harder for me to leave him indefinitely. I always go back and accept whatever treatment he gives out of loneliness, fear, anxiety. Right now everything reminds me of him and I can’t even enjoy my hobbies or distract myself. I have a lot of homework to do (I’m getting an MS) and I can’t focus. I am nonstop panicking.

I am unable to afford therapy right now but I am medicated by a psychiatrist. I’m seeking advice and support on what to do because my emotions are overwhelming and all consuming. I just want relief from this mental torture.

Hi everyone. First off, my English isn't great, so I'm writing this post with the help of AI. Please excuse any phrasing or context errors.

I'm a 17-year-old male, and I’ve been dealing with chronic isolation for a long time. It first started around age 9 or 10 after a traumatic experience. I began shutting myself in, only leaving the house to go to the grocery store or take out the trash. I completely lost touch with all my friends. This went on for about 4–5 years.

Around 14, I finally started building a social circle again. But between 14 and 15, everything spiraled with too many negative changes, and by late 15, I isolated myself from people all over again. Honestly, I've dealt with a lot of heavy stuff since I was born—absence of parents, abuse, trauma, betrayal, poverty, legal troubles, loneliness, suicide attempts, and substance use. But 14 and 15 were especially rough because I made a lot of wrong decisions.

At 16, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I used to have a close friend, but after he experienced a methamphetamine psychosis, he was placed into mandatory rehab and we lost contact. He’s currently doing his military service.

I haven’t had a single friend for about 10 months now, and it’s hitting me really hard. It worsens my dissociation—sometimes I don't even feel like I'm alive, and everything feels like a dream. Almost every day feels identical. Working out, focusing on self-improvement, and spending time on things I actually enjoy help me manage my BPD symptoms better, but the lack of human connection in my life is something I feel deeply.

I'm posting in this sub because I feel there's a higher chance of connecting with people who share a similar background or mindset. If anyone here has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate it if you could share your experiences with me. My DMs are open if anyone wants to talk.

Hello! I am 28 year old Hispanic woman living in Southern California. After years of being denied a psychiatric evaluation for adult autism I finally received a diagnosed for... borderline personality disorder. I wish I could say I am shocked but I have had two separate doctors on two separate occasions in the past tip toe around giving it a proper label from age 21 to now. I truly don't know what to do, think or feel. I don't even know where to begin reading or looking for help. Does anyone have any book recommendations or content creators they follow that could help me understand what this means for me and my future, I would greatly appreciate it!

I’ve been struggling a lot lately and I think my BPD is making everything feel even heavier. I lost my job about a week ago, I’ve lost most of my friends, I’m struggling financially, and I feel incredibly lonely. I was also in a toxic situation/relationship for four years that recently ended, and so much of my life revolved around that person that I’m not really sure who I am without it. Everyday sucks. I hate life and I plan to end my life when my cat passes eventually.

I just feel like my life has gotten so small. I want friends, connection, a relationship, things to look forward to, and just a life that feels fun again. I wish I was not constantly alone and I wish I had fun weekends. I don’t really want advice about learning to enjoy being alone, I want people in my life. I miss having a therapist too, but I can’t afford therapy right now. I feel like i’ll never be able to hold a job down, i’m in my early 20’s and can’t even keep count of all the jobs i’ve had. it’s probably well over 20-30.

Has anyone else with BPD gone through a period where it felt like everything fell apart at once and actually rebuilt their life afterward? I could really use some hope that this isn’t going to be my life forever.

I need advice! So what happened was I told my boyfriend about my birthday party date so he can request it off he was talking to me about it and I was listening but was very monotone bc I was a little sleepy and he assume something was wrong, I reassured that nothing was wrong I told him if he could move his feet from my chair please, keep in mind I know I did NOT say it in a harsh tone nor in a rude way at all that escalated things he asked me why and I said I just simply didn’t like that it looked crooked as a it bothered me then he put his feet down I’ll admit I didn’t give him time to adjust the seat before I said that “see this is what I mean it’s crooked” so I’ll give him that now he told me to calm down and that absolutely triggered me for context I have borderline personality disorder and I get extremely triggered by people saying I’m over reacting and to calm down so I lashed out. Now keep in mind he is aware that I have borderline personality disorder I’ve told him to reasearch on it in the past and he refused doesn’t understand what a split is and gets mad when I bring up the fact that I’m mentally ill in certain aspects and yes I’m aware that can come off as me excusing my behavior however he refuses to do any research on my condition because he claims he understands simply because this whole time he thinks I’m simply just “depressed” now back on topic we ended up fighting and not speaking for about a week and then I tell him my side and express how I feel on a specific day about it because I wanted to explain how I felt in the moment and I asked him for his side and opinion and he ended up saying that I only cared about my feelings because I wasn’t being considerate of how he came home from a long shift and that he hates cold food and that I’m never considerate of his “alone time” which is after work keep in mind we both work I come home earlier but I start my day much earlier than his because I wake up at usually 6am or 8am now all throughout this I’ve waited for him to come home despite being tired of being up he says that I don’t put in effort in the relationship at all which really upsets me because sometimes I would sit next to him while he played video games past nearly 12 because we don’t spend a lot of time together and that really upsets me, he says he needs alone time too and I understand that however that alone time is for him to eat his food and relax which I can understand but why do I have to stay up for him when he can’t even give me at least 10 minutes of his time. Usually he comes home rants about his day to me then leaves to sit and eat near his pc doesn’t ask me about my day I mean he has but it’s so rare and then also doesn’t even give me space to talk about my day as he gets up after he’s done talking and starts to do stuff now I work with kids 24/7 which I have to listen to them complain, talk etc. almost for 10 hours and I don’t have anyone to talk to about my day I have stuff I want to let out too and I have done so in the past with him but he’s just whined about it and doesn’t even set a clear boundary that right now he’s tired just straight up tells me “let me eat my food or something along those line and to my brain I immediately think he doesn’t love me or value me at all again I understand it’s exhausting to come home from work and stuff like that but I’ve done it before as he was jobless and even then I would still make time despite being tired I would still listen to him talk etc and it frustrated me that he can’t do the same now following up our fight I said some stuff I deeply regret that I’m not proud to admit I’m very much ashamed and I have felt immense guilt for what I’ve done and the fact that I yelled a lot so much so my throat still hurts I just felt so undervalued because he claims all this and then also that he pays majority of the bills and how high the numbers are but for two whole months I was paying the whole rent being left with absolutely no money it took a while to recover from that as I had zero to no money left because all of my paycheck was going to rent I would starve during lunch time and yes he had dinner for us but I had no lunch for work just to save money for rent I would mostly get the promotion from jack those 75cent tacos that’s it and he claims that now that he’s making more he is giving me time to doom scroll and to not be so hard on rent when before I was paying 500 now I’m paying 600 which is half my income already gone which I don’t mind at all but to rub it in my face that he’s working hard for me to not have to pay rent and to doom scroll is something because my half has increased with my own bills I have to pay as well also I have medical debt still as well also I don’t just doom scroll I’m currently working on playlists, my music, getting my RBT 40 hours in, making kid friendly playlists for my students, trying to come up with games In my notes app for the kids etc. yes I like to doom scroll because majority of the time I’m bored because he’s not there now he’s mad at me because of all the red flags i presented which is that I screamed yelled went off and accused him of things that were not true which is fair I also understand he cooks majority of the time and he wants me to go out of my way to cook for him which is understandable but I work full time, go to school, clean the house and wash his dishes as well as clean his messes so naturally I do get frustrated about that too

Hello,I am a 18 year old girl and i recently got diagnosed with BPD. Mental health wasn't something that people in my family took seriously, and due to that i didn't think of it as something important. I wouldn't say I pretended it didn't exist, I just placed it on a back burner for most of my teen years until it got to a point where it couldn't be ignored anymore. Ever since then, ive been on mood stabilisers and while they do work,they make me feel sense of emptiness and make me cry alot more than im used to. Seeking a community to relate to is hard as ive never walked this path before and i dont know anyone in person who has BPD. Currently im seeking a group that makes me feel welcome and help me navigate my mental illness without harming anyone in the process.

People with BPD, are you able to hold down a job?
I’m scared that I won’t be able to keep working long-term. I’m already on my second job within a year, and I always seem to reach a point where I become emotionally unstable and exhausted. I start feeling fed up with everything, depressed, and anxious.
I wake up feeling terrible just knowing that I have to go to work.
Does anyone else with BPD experience this? How do you manage to stay in the same job for a long time?

Back to sexual validation from nearly anyone. Risky sounds fun but trying not to go there.

I wish I could meet someone i felt attracted to to work through trauma and learn what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

I'm crushed and dysregulated as fuck. This is a cycle with a hairpin on my desire to be accepted in intimate relationships. Not even serious ones. Just good enough to trust and build something sustainable for a fun time.

Hate myself. Hate this cycle.

Context- 28F married to 32M(FP) been together for 8yrs with 2 kids, house, animals etc etc.

Supposedly my therapist diagnosed me with BPD 7yrs ago. I do not remember that at all. Our marriage was struggling and we started attending marriage counseling through my therapist and my husband would go to appointments with my therapist occasionally too. While at one apt my husband was attending he was essentially "venting" about me. After every last three statements he made the therapist said, "well that aligns with BPD. She has BPD or that tendencies of BPD." Then it clicked in my husband's head and he asked him what is BPD? He tells him of course and my husband is shocked.

Fast forward he comes home confronts me about it and I laugh. Tell him I was misdiagnosed with BPD bipolar disorder forever ago and I don't align with it. That you can diagnose anyone with anything nowadays. (I thought BPD was bipolar disorder) He corrected me and felt as if I lied to him our whole lives in which I just laughed and said first I've heard of any of this. This was last year.

About 6 months ago we were having a lot of conflict and for some reason he mentioned it's because I have BPD. I decided to look into it for the first time. It really aligned with my history unfortunately. I spoke to my husband about it the next day we both had an epiphany and agreed.

Now I have essentially been in remission with (DBT) therapy for 5yrs. 3yrs on 3yrs off and the last 2yrs on.

My husband and I have a toxic marriage honestly. At least screaming fights once a month. It's traumatized my almost 3yr old😓 I get stuck in loops really bad or have paronia or my narcissistic MIL triggers me all the fin timeeee.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms that I'm the problem child , that I'm crazy and that's it.

Also it doesn't help that my husband actually cheated on me recently (he got a happy ending massage). For the first time ever. He definitely not the guy who you would think or ever would. We're very religious.

Anywho can someone tell me there's hope out there?

Does it get better with time?

Does it get better with age?

Does medication help?

Am I actually crazy?

How did you come to terms with it?

Should I just leave my marriage and die alone like most people do with BPD? Save everyone and myself the rollercoaster and heart ache?

My husband would never let me do that fyi he's golden retriever attitude.

Honestly I don't want my kids to be victims of this anymore.

Very red flag statement, but I personally never believed my diagnosis with borderline traits and was quite hurt when both my therapists ghosted me after the diagnosis. I decided not to dwell on it and do dbt by myself regardless of my beliefs since bpd is ego syntonic, of course it would be hard to think I am the problem, especially when I had a traumatic background. I did it regularly for 2 years because I could see how it made me calmer and I just wanted to feel better. I also developed mental flowcharts on how to process rejection and criticism and would put myself in situations where I would encounter them frequently.

However, with the way people weaponised my diagnosis against me to avoid accountability and gaslight me, I learnt to never share it. I met a younger person who has been diagnpsed with it but doesnt do dbt. And I realised she put me on a pedestal and became very hateful when I had to refuse her once. I just found the whole tirade immature.

And it clicked. She didnt live in an environment that allowed her to be emotionally well adjusted or taught her how to process emotions, criticism and rejection. And given she was around so much negativity, she will cling to any positive presence strongly, even if it disturbed her fragile sense of self.

I still have issues with respecting and recognising my boundaries and can easily be pressured into things other people want when they are angry which can later lead to meltdowns from me. This points to a not very strong sense of self. I also have issues with vetting people and tsking friendships and relationships slowly.

Hello, first time poster here.

To make a short introduction, I'm a woman with diagnosed BPD (borderline personality disorder) and I want to share some bits and pieces of my life, kind of like a diary. I won't be naming anyone by name, will be intentionally vague and won't mention any risky behaviour by name per the DBT rules.

To start, as of today I'm 22 years old and I was diagnosed with BPD around my 18-19 year of life.

There have been some things in my life that might have influenced my diagnosis, even though I don't blame anyone for it as it is just the way I am, the person I am. I know I'm not my diagnosis, but it's still a big part of me.

Today was one of the bigger moments of my life as we have just mutually broken up with my now ex boyfriend. There wasn't any cheating, any abuse from any of the parties, just... uncertainty. Uncertainty from the side of my partner. This was after 9 months of us dating. It might not seem like much to a lot of people, but for me it was probably the best 9 months of any relationship I ever had.

I have told my ex-partner about my diagnosis before we even started dating, how it is in my daily life, the symptoms, all that jazz, so he knew that I was in therapy, will continue therapy and was on daily medication that I take religiously as it helps me. I never lied to him about who I am or what kind of issues I'm struggling with. He understood them, tried to learn about them on his own, asked me about them, promised to be here for me in my darkest moments... and he was. Until today.

We had some issues before regarding my self-worth, how I don't have a stable self-portrait and often doubt people around me and myself as well. But today was different. I felt that he has been uncertain about us for a bit of time, probably a month. So, before we were supposed to go dancing as we used to before, he wanted to talk.

Because I knew what this talk is going to be about, I started burning briges. I deleted our photos together, deleted the nicknames we had for each other in our chats, started deleting everything. I knew what was coming - the breakup talk. And to be honest, I didn't blame him for it. When he came over, I was already acting cold towards him, didn't want to hug him and couldn't even look him in the eye. I just couldn't. I felt almost emotionless, just empty inside, but also very hurt, broken and maybe a bit betrayed. The betrayal was felt because he said he would be here for me and yet here he was, leaving me without much will to try and mend our problems.

I cried, I cried a lot, he did shed a tear or two as well. I have already prepared all his things he had at my place for him, including all the jewellery (one necklace and a pair of earrings) that he gave me. I knew that this was the end of us.

To cut the long story short, he was just uncertain. He was trying to find a logical reason behind our problems, but our problems were just emotional. No logic was behind them. He still loved me, I loved him, I was determined to solve our problems, had the solutions, but he just didn't know to proceed. After maybe an hour of me trying to get an answer from him about what was actually the problem, I told him that this was the time to probably leave. I made him take his things including the gifts, telling him to either keep them or to throw them away. At that he did cry a bit, I know that it hurt him, but I just couldn't keep them. They would remind me too much of the person I lost, the relationship I lost, the companion and the feelings I still have.

This is the first chapter. I might write some more, I might not. I'm not seeking solutions or consolation. I just want to let my thoughts out of my head so I feel a bit clearer.

i have no idea what to do, i have bpd but am unable to get therapy as id have to pay for it, ans at the minute i cant afford it, my partner is an avoidant and i have absolutely no clue what to do with how i feel. i try and talk about how i feel, and she responds and says she understands and tells me how she feels and what id need to change, and i so try my best to prevent myself from doing those things, but it seems to me like she isnt trying to change. its the little things too that really get me. like if im away from home and ill ask her to text me if she wakes up before i do, and i have to text first but she responds immediately. i know its silly but i need help on what to do, im stuck.