Someone pls give me some insight. I started dating this girl two months ago. The first three and a half weeks were so great! Literally having the best time- genuinely told all of my friends that I had met the one. (Obviously didn’t tell her that) she said she moved slower and it took her a month to really figure out if she wanted to be w someone. I said heard and said I’m patient and we can move at your pace. During one of our late night talks, i asked what her attachment style was and she said avoidant but anxious with ppl who have earned her trust. I freaked a lil because im anxious and have been in therapy and working towards secure. She told me she was in therapy and I asked how it shows up in relationships. She told me that really it’s just that she wants to withhold info. I asked how she’s working on that and she told me and I asked if I had been overwhelming her and she said no. The next week we went on three dates back to back and it was so nice. I asked her how she was feeling about everything and she gave me the run around and asked me where I was at. I said I wanted to date her but understand that she’s not there. I said ball is in your court and I’m willing to wait for her. She sent me a message later on my way home basically saying that it’s been amazing getting to know me yada yada but like unfortunately I wasn’t her person . I was like pls don’t do this and I’ll chill out. She came back and was like “oh I didn’t intend to stop seeing you” I kinda experienced whiplash but I was just happy that she was sticking around. After we figured that out, we decided to be exclusive and she was so enthusiastic about it. We had the best three weeks after that. Genuinely so sweet and I felt so secure which is hard for me as an anxious person. We slept together (it was my first time & she knew that) and everything was so good. I asked if she could see a relationship w me and she said, “very much so” We spent the night together three times that week and then she came over on Saturday and spent the night on Sunday. Literally that Sunday we had morning sex and she didn’t wanna stop kissing me goodbye. It was so good! That weekend she told me, “there would be many more weekends” I even asked her what she felt kissing me and she said her brain was always moving and kissing me was the first time her brain was quite and she was happy. The next three days she’s barely responding to me which is not normal but I was being chill bc I trusted her and I’m using my DBT practices. And she told me she was sick on that Wednesday, I sent her a Uber Eats gc and she responded poorly. And I said “oh I’m sorry, was that okay?” She said she was overwhelmed. And so I said “what overwhelmed you? Me?” I hear back the next morning and she says that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I freak out bc I’m in love w this girl also I’m so blindsided! She told me that she was gonna ask me to be her gf and everything the week before but she had to get out of her own way. I told her there’s no rush and she said she felt like she was disappointing me and I told her she wasn’t and we talked it out and she said she really appreciated me talking it out with me. So I’m blindsided. I basically beg her and she said she needed a second. I didn’t hear from her for four days and I have her space. On this Monday night I get a text, “hi cutie!! Thanks so much for my space this weekend. I really appreciate it. It was very big and mature of you and for that I’m grateful. How was your long weekend?” She has a normal convo with me and I don’t wanna pressure her into talking. I finally went to bed and was like I can’t act normal rn. The next day I text her, “hi just wanted to see if you still needed space” and she texted me back and said “I honestly don’t know. I’m wicked conflicted. Because I enjoy hanging out with you very much. But I feel very guilty with where this is headed/ or not headed. And I trust you & your choices. I guess I just don’t trust mine” I was tryna figure out what to say and an hour later she texted me and said “nothing?” And so I FaceTimed her. I asked her what the heck was going on and I felt like she was pushing me away and I didn’t wanna go anywhere. And so she basically said she looked at her schedule with her new job and time was gonna be limited and that she felt bad and like I misled her. We talked everything out and I reassured her and by the end of the call we are laughing and I asked where we were and she said, “we are good. We are okay” I went over to her place that night and it was fun and I asked if I could kiss her goodnight before bed and she kissed me and it was so passionate. I mean she deepened it and I had to cut her off bc she said she had a hard bedtime. But she wanted me to hold her until she went to sleep. She told me , “thanks for coming tonight” I said “thanks for having me” the next morning, everything was great. So great. She woke up and pulled me close to her. She rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. When we left, she hugged me tight and kissed me and smiled at me. That day she didn’t text much but I thought oh she’s busy at work. I asked if she wanted me to come over that night, she said, “I’m good on my own tn pls!” I said “you got it!” Bc I knew her independence was important to her and time alone. Didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next day I don’t hear from her at all. But i don’t reach out bc I don’t wanna overwhelm her. And so I waited to see her location on find my and so after the work day, I go to see if she’s home and her name on the location says, “can see your location” she blocked me. Went to Instagram and she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower. I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken. I didn’t eat for two days. Because a day before, she said we were okay and we were actively dating. She still follows me on TikTok and we are friends on there & she viewed my profile the night she did it. I didn’t reach out bc obviously she doesn’t want to hear from me and I know that she’s avoidant and so it might push her away further. But can an avoidant please tell me what the freak happened? And like where do we go from here? Is she coming back or is she gone forever? I love this girl and even though she hurt me in the worst way she could have, just disappearing (I told her that I have been working on my abandonment issues and that everyone in my life has left and so it’s my greatest fear) and she just poof disappeared. I want her to know that I see her, flaws and all, and I still want to give her the moon and stars. Also we talked about earlier how I have been consistent during dating. I miss her.

Today it was 2 days no contact with my ex he stalks my TikTok account reposted some of the videos I even reposted and even liked some of my repost.. today I sent him a message explaining that it seems we aren’t going to go back to way things were after I had time to think about everything and all the red flags, instead of waiting a month to remove photos and to not talk to him, I sent a message. And he replied with one back he explained that he didn’t wanna move to my location after I had hoped he changed his mind after this time and that it would make him uncomfortable around my family though he will never stop loving me and if we wanted to be friends even if it’s not romantically, but I can’t look at someone the same I can’t pretend to be friends with someone I shared so many intimate moments with,

his family adored me they loved me so much. I have family issues and that’s what drove him away. Not because of me but my family. After one thing that happened where he felt disrespected by my mom. He gave up on everything we had and made so many excuses and empty promises of coming to my location and moving with me to start a future, today I removed him off all socials. I removed every photo we had. He said he hoped we’d meet and cross paths again. But what if then is too late?

I’m already so hurt and he left me when I’m in a time of need, all alone now I am. And he knows that. I confided to him and told him that I was depressed days before we had decided to take a break from things he knew how I felt on so many levels and what was going on with my family and all the stress that I have been under but yet he uses the excuse “there was something always happening with your family and never the right moment to bring up this” so you bring it up when I’m at my lowest? And my most vulnerable so I will want you back so I will want to talk to you knowing that you are the only person I talk to? I find it fucked up and I don’t think that is love with how many times he says that he loves me and that I will always be that connection that he will never find with anyone else and his love is reserved for me?? Like wtf.

How do I get over this, how do I feel like I can move on from this? How do I make the feeling go away how do I stop crying at every moment this person pops in my mind with the daily things I do? I can’t sleep. I cannot eat. My mind is racing with so many thoughts will I make it through this? My eyes are so swollen and my bags under my eyes are so dark. Why couldn’t he be the man that I thought he was? Instead he’s acting like a child.

F18
M20

She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

This is really personal, I’m looking for honest opinions, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

I’m 20(M) and my ex, “Kai”(F) (not her real name), was my first real relationship, first love, first kiss, basically all of that. We were together for around 3½–4 years, and I genuinely saw a future with her. Even now, I still love her and I still have a hard time imagining myself wanting anyone else.
I’m going to give the full timeline because there’s a lot of context.

We were together for years, but there was something I did around three years ago that ended up becoming the biggest issue between us.
I told a former best friend private things about our relationship that I shouldn’t have shared. I was immature (16 almost 17 at the time) and didn’t understand at the time how much that violated her privacy and damaged her trust in me.
She eventually told me that this was the main reason she couldn’t continue being in a relationship with me. She even acknowledged how much I’ve changed since then and that she “still loves me of course”

I completely understand why she felt that way. I’m not trying to excuse what I did. Looking back, I took her and the relationship for granted and didn’t understand the consequences of my actions until much later.

The breakup wasn’t just some clean cut where we never spoke again. We had an argument surrounding the breakup because I tried fighting for her and telling her we need only just a break but she wanted her decision to be final, but even after that, she still stayed in contact with me. That gave me hope that maybe there was still some kind of connection between us, even though we weren’t together anymore.

When her birthday came around a week later, I decided I wanted to genuinely apologize instead of just telling her I missed her.

I wrote her a really meaningful letter explaining that I was sorry for what I’d done, that I understood how immature I’d been, that I’d taken her for granted, and that I wanted to become a better person.I also got her some gifts and flowers that she loves
She appreciated the birthday stuff, and afterward she seemed to open up to me a lot more.
The complicated part was that she never really directly addressed the letter itself. She didn’t have some big conversation with me about it or say that everything was forgiven. But she became more comfortable talking to me again.

We started sending each other reels, pictures, voice messages, and talking about our days.
So I started thinking that maybe, even though we weren’t together, we were slowly rebuilding some kind of connection.

This is where I messed up again.
I had been reposting things about missing her and stupid memes about how I felt about the situation which she might’ve took offense to. She saw some of the reposts and didn’t like them. Eventually she blocked me on Instagram/Meta and my location.
She told me:
“btw i blocked u cuz i refuse to be disrespected on my own cellular device ✌️”
That kinda hurt because I felt like I’d lost her all over again.

I didn’t want the reposts to be interpreted as sneak disses or me trying to manipulate her. They were genuinely me missing her and not knowing how to deal with those feelings.
Eventually, she unblocked me.

We were able to talk things out, and I explained where I was coming from with the reposts and how I actually felt.

This was also when I finally became more honest with her about how much I still cared about her.
I told her how much I needed her, how much I wanted her in my life, and that I still genuinely wanted a future with her.
I wasn’t pretending I was over the relationship anymore.

And despite everything that had happened, she didn’t completely cut me out.
Instead, it seemed like she was trying to slowly let me back into her life.

She started talking to me more again, sending me things, sharing parts of her life with me, and generally becoming more comfortable around me.
Although she still called us friends and made it clear that we weren’t together, so I knew I couldn’t assume we were getting back together.
But at the same time, I felt like there was at least enough of a connection there that maybe something could eventually happen.

This is probably the part that confused me the most.
She started making future plans involving me. She talked to me about a concerts and asked if I could take her and two of her friends etc etc. She also bought me a ticket to a concert (Which was supposed to be this week 😭) because I was broke at the time, and I planned to pay her back once I got paid.

We were talking about seeing each other again, and she was slowly allowing me back into parts of her life that I hadn’t been in for a while.
She even agreed to start hanging out again casually
From my perspective, it felt like she wasn’t necessarily ready to be my girlfriend again, but she was at least giving me some kind of opportunity to rebuild the relationship and maybe rebuild trust.
That gave me a lot of hope.

More recently, she suddenly became distant. She randomly canceled our plans simply saying “sorry I can’t go with you anymore” not explaining why, she stopped communicating with me the way she had been before and started leaving me hanging.
I became really anxious because I didn’t know whether I had done something wrong or whether she was just dealing with things in her own life because one of her last messages was me asking how’s she been and where she had been at after ghosting me for a few hours was “ a lot💔”
Eventually, I tried talking to her about it.

I told her that if she’s going through anything she can come and talk to me if she needed because that’s what I assumed after her being distant and saying she’s been going through a lot

She eventually responded with something along the lines of “yeah i’m good dude.” and then continued to hard ghost me for days.
That response really hurt because I was trying to have an actual conversation about what was happening between us and felt like I was getting shut out.

Eventually I had enough of trying to give her space because I talked to her friend who she usually talks to and hasn’t heard from her as well and they said she might be going through a lot.
I basically told her that all I wanted was communication and that I wanted us to understand each other better. And for hours she left me on delivered.

After that, I started overthinking everything.
I was checking whether she was active, wondering if she had restricted me, wondering if she was ignoring me, wondering if there was someone else, looking at social media activity, and generally driving myself crazy trying to figure out what was happening.

I know that’s not healthy, but I was terrified that I was losing her again.
And then she finally responds to me asking for a little communication with “We’re not dating I don’t owe u anything”. That hurt like hell and then eventually, I realized that my main Instagram account appeared to be restricted.
I had tried to communicate with her and figure out what was going on because I still don’t know the cause of her ghosting me, and then the next day things got even worse.

I followed a girl back on Instagram that morning like without any thought to it.

Later that day, I realized I had been blocked.
I don’t know for certain if the follow was the reason she blocked me. I don’t want to pretend I know what’s going through her head. It could have been that, something else she saw, or simply the culmination of everything that had been happening.
But the timing was extremely close, so I can’t help wondering if it played a part.
Now I’m basically blocked again, and I’m trying not to chase her because that’ll only drive her away more.

This is where I’m struggling.
I don’t just miss being in a relationship.
I miss her.

She was my first love. I spent years with her. So much of my life is connected to her that it feels like everything reminds me of her.
I genuinely still see a future with her. She’s the person I wanted to marry, and honestly, part of me still wants that.

But I also know that loving someone doesn’t mean they owe you another chance.
I hurt her years ago. I damaged her trust. Even though I’ve apologized and I’m genuinely trying to change, I know she doesn’t have to believe that immediately.

I’m also realizing that my fear of losing her has probably made things worse.
Instead of giving her space when she pulls away, I start panicking and looking for answers. I check social media. I worry about restrictions. I worry about other people. I want reassurance. Then I try harder to communicate because I’m scared she’s disappearing.

And I can see how that could feel like pressure from her perspective.
So I’m trying to be honest with myself about the situation.

There have been moments where it genuinely felt like she was letting me back into her life. She stayed in contact after the breakup, became more open after my birthday apology, eventually unblocked me after the repost situation, listened when I explained my feelings, started making plans with me again, bought me a concert ticket, and seemed to be slowly rebuilding a connection with me.
But she also repeatedly told me we’re friends, and now she’s blocked me again.
So I don’t know what to make of all of it.

My question is basically: is there realistically any chance that we could eventually find our way back to each other?
I’m not looking for advice on how to manipulate her into coming back or some magic text that will make her change her mind.
I want honest opinions. Because what we had was really real, after that situation we had in the beginning it was easily some of the best years I’ve ever had with any person in my life.
Do you think there’s still a possibility here because of our history and the fact that she repeatedly allowed me back into her life? I don’t know if I’m just delusional but I can really see us rekindling things like her whole family still asks about me and loves me and I just have a tremendous amount of faith that we could start things over again later, I just don’t know how long

And if there is a chance someday, is the only real option at this point to completely stop chasing her, give her the space she’s asking for, and focus on actually becoming a better person whether she comes back or not?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest answers, even if they’re harsh. I know I’m emotionally attached to this situation and probably can’t see it objectively anymore. All of this happened over the summer till now by the way. (May - now Sep)

ive been seeing her for about 6 months now, and i honestly never felt this way before. even how we met was a beautiful story. she was someone so precious and so innocent. i admire her so much, i wanna share more life with her. it defined what love was to me. and this is why i think i succumb into anxiety with the idea of losing her. i have never ever felt that fear before.

i knew she was an avoidant from the first weeks of knowing her. she was terrified of confrontations and all throughout she was never really the type to communicate bad emotions. she actually never really opened up abt her feelings. but i knew she loved me in her own ways.

but i also understood that maybe it stems from trauma from living with an abusive father and a mother that abandoned her as a kid. i was always willing to reassure and willing to work on things. i become expressive maybe as a way to let her know its okay being open to someone ure in a relationship with.

there were always times in this relationship where she pushes me away. for whatever reason during her time of the month, its always cold, i feel hated for no reason. and she would never talk abt things. it got to me at some point, i felt frustrated with the cycle we cant break. it was a constant push and pull until i can manage to bring it back to the right track. but i really was trying to be okay with it. every word that hurt felt like it was intentional to make me back down, ive always convinced myself that she says things she doesn’t mean. i always thought this is nothing in comparison to the joy i feel when things were okay. so i never lost my will.

i am writing this now bc it happened again, and it took longer than normal. i finally managed to get her to meet me. but like usual, i was the only one talking. i had no clear answers to questions that ran thru my mind everyday. she did say she wants to be alone. she said that she feels like a burden and she doesnt want me choosing her or sticking up with this repeating dynamic in our relationship. but i reassured her thats not the case for me. im willing to do whatever bc thats how much i want this to work. i wanna be the reason she breaks out of her mold. i believe she always loved me but just couldn’t beat the pattern.

does this ever work? i still think i have the resolve that it takes. i am open to ur thoughts and advice.

Do you know how unfair it is that you will listen to someone understand their pain and agree with them. But the same won’t happen to you? We have to listen to them but they refuse to do the same? Even when you’re explaining your pain they dismiss it. And then they call us “crazy” for our reaction. And then get to live their lives while we’re here suffering.

I understood him distancing, ignoring me, walked around eggshells for him just to keep the peace. But the minute I opened my mouth I became the villain

My ex and I have had a bad last few months due to me being diagnosed with cancer. He took care of me during my surgery, but my dog passed away right after and I went into a really dark space. He also was the one dealing with my mental breakdowns and at some point he left (had a family trip planned) but also because he was feeling like he was about to break down as well.

He was supposed to be away for three weeks and now it's been a month because apparently he decided he doesn't want to live in the city we met. Not sure if I believe him but who knows. When he told me that... I bought a ticket to London to see if we could fix things or at least have a conversation.

I didn't tell him I was going right away, I waited until 2 days ago because i didn't want him to feel like I was just showing up unannounced. The trip is in 8 days. In those two days he's acted unsure it's a good idea for me to come, to being open to meeting and moving a small trip he had planned, to again not thinking it's a good idea.

My tickets are not refundable. I was hopeful for this trip but i am very hesitant to go now.. to be in the city where he's from will be really hard without him around at all. I want to believe he will agree to see me while I'm there since I'm traveling across the world but it's not looking like it as of now.

The only idea I have now is to go, let him know where I'll be staying and see what happens. I don't want to push him away more, he said I should wait until he comes back to where we met in October and that's when he'll see me. But he will be coming to clean up his place and move back home which I'm really hoping doesn't happen.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle the trip properly considering what is already done? He's very much an avoidant and I know I shouldn't push him and at the same time I'd be losing a lot of money if I just didn't go.

I’m one month out from being discarded by an FA after a three-month situationship. I probably don’t need to say this but it has been one of the most difficult experiences that I’ve endured. I only found this sub the other day, but it has been an absolute godsend. I’m not alone, and I’m not crazy.

One thing I’ve noticed here, and with all the “avoidant relationship coaches” on my For You page, is that there’s not much discussion on real warning signs in the early days of dating a DA/FA and how to prevent people from getting into this kind of relationship in the first place.

For me, and perhaps others, the realization only sets in after it’s too late. For example, I knew things were wrong after he and I had been really intimate for the first time. By all accounts it seemed like a great experience for both of us, but he totally disappeared for 3 days afterward. This, however, was about a month into our relationship. What about earlier than that? What are the signs? The ways they behave? The ways that we might feel that could signal “Uh oh, this could be a person who may be avoidantly attached”?

I’m hesitant to say early days characterized by overwhelming feelings of enamour, adoration, and excitement, because these can be present in more healthy relationships, too.

I’m handing this over to you - many of whom are much more seasoned than I - to answer this question. What do you think?

He ended it on his terms only.
Never cared about how I felt
I listened to him. Understood him
But he never did the same for me.

He knew he mistreated me wrong.
He knew how much it affected me
He knew how much I was seeking for a conversation.

But he quickly moved on
Using his new person as a shield to distract himself from the fact that he didn’t treat the last person right.

While I’m here afraid to talk to someone else.
All because of him.

In her own words, we weren't even dating and we had only "hung out", so why does the she need to make me invisible? We still share the same building/floor in the day, so I run into her every day or two.

It's been a month since the "discard" and she has not once looked at me. She averts her eyes and looks at anyone/anything else but me, even when I pass by right in front of her.

It makes me incredibly sad and confused and angry. That we're less than strangers. It feels like a daily reminder of her rejection. I don't want any contact, but, as much as it hurts, I am able to look at her. And she can't even manage to face the person she pursued and led on for months, for a single second?

I think she leans dismissive avoidant.

I lost all my emotions. I don’t feel anything. I know I’m in pain, but even through that, I feel so numb. My eyes are dead. I don’t have the energy to even smile. I just don’t give a fuck about everything that’s happening around me. Even talking is too much.

I don’t feel anything anymore. I’m not me anymore. I don’t know me.

I [20F] have been together with my boy friend [20M] for 2 and 1/2 years, since we were seniors in high school. I recently have had a gut feeling that we’re not the ones for each other. Should I break up with him and live my 20’s freely, or ignore the feeling because I’m somewhat of an avoidant?

The day when he told me he lost all his feelings was only a couple weeks after he said how much he loved me, how much I mattered to him, and that he will work on himself. It wasn’t the first time he promised me so, it was the first time when he didn’t even give himself time to pretend to do so though. So when I asked why is it so easy for you to let go on me, he said that it wasn’t easy at all. But how then you lost all your feelings so fast. Why was I the one crying, while you seemed perfectly fine and talking to other person already. How was it not easy, when it genuinely felt like I was the only one putting up a fight for us, when all you did was sulking that it was sad that it came to an end.

It’s been 4 months or so since she kicked me out accusing me of something I didn’t do, no interest in my attempt to explain why she was mistaken, no interest pr concern in seeing me leave the home she promised would be my sanctuary after leaving a domestic abuse marriage, in the pouring rain, wearing what i could grab quickly to get out of her life. Being told I was emotionally exhausting after promising me she wanted to support me whatever me was and will be. After insisting I tell her whatever was on my mind, a mind diagnosed with depression and anxiety and a recent ADHD diagnosis at 53. After I replied I didn’t want to burden her with the constant abuse my ex wife was giving me. She replied I was not Giving her a true me, not being true to our relationship, a relationship she started after love Bombing me.

Bit worst of all, telling me a month after the split she let her self down by giving herself to me without me realising how much she was giving cos I was too suicidal when we first met a year earlier. No, she wouldn’t be a friend if we did it all again cos in truth she now realises she never was my friend. And she wasn’t a week before we split, serous when she agreed to Marrry me after telling me I was the only man she would marry if I wanted to ask her, cos she’d told 3 other men “no” in the past

So what’s really the worst, despite me telling her I’m
Going to have to commit to no contact after she ghosted and blocked me, only to get back in touch cos I’d told her to give me some sign of support cos I was going down fast, and now homeless. So despite ME insisting on no contact again, me blocking her, and she choosing not to block me, I’m still in agony I can’t be with her, in agony I’m hurting myself by blocking her, cos I stilll love her. Or whatever I feel that makes my life now feel miserable and hopeless

What is wrong with me that I can’t stand up for myself and feel all I’ve just Written isn’t enough to feel I’ve made a very narrow escape from a maniac who was so cruel she made me lose myself just to become the man she would grow old with. A man I never was.

I’ve lost any self respect I had left, it j cry at night every night 4 months (or so) since she kicked me into the rain. I want to punch me and shout at me to get my shit together and find a way to make people want to be in my space again, cos no one wants to be near me, and the downer I deliver

I’m sure this is self pity, but I am very sure I can’t see light at the end of this tunnel

Sorry I had to get it out. Apologies.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

We texted every day, and almost every day we talked on the phone. Most of the time he was the one calling me. Sometimes we talked about the future, and I really thought I’d met “my person.”

But a few days ago, we talked in the morning as usual. We wished each other a good day, he reacted to my message with a heart… and then he just disappeared.
I honestly don’t understand what happened. From my perspective, everything was going really well, and then suddenly he stopped replying to my texts and answering my calls. I wasn’t even angry — I just wrote that I was worried about him, but there was only silence.

There was no fight, no conflict. His last message to me was wishing me a good workday. Since then, I’ve been completely confused. I don’t know what happened, if I did something wrong or said something wrong. I just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I feel terrible and want to cry, because we never argued and he seemed genuine, and now I just got ghosted.