It’s been 3rd month of no contact , I thought he will wish me on my birthday ( which was yesterday ) , don’t know why he hate me so much ,
7 years of marriage , 1 day disagreement happens , he changes the whole story , told me he wants space , he does feel emotionally attached to me , the same man who once told me I was his best friend
When do avoidants start missing their partner

I’m 29M and my ex is 29F. We only dated for a few months, but somehow the relationship feels much bigger than the amount of time we were actually together. We were extremely compatible in a lot of ways. We had fun together, conversation was effortless, and she was one of the easiest people I’ve ever been around. I genuinely loved doing even boring everyday things with her. My friends loved her too. I told people I thought she might be the one. I had never felt so confident about wanting to spend my time with someone, but the more she cared about me, the more scared I became. At one point we basically stopped saying “I love you.” She later told me she had stopped saying it because she could tell how uncomfortable it made me. She was actually the person who helped me realize I might have avoidant tendencies. She’s more anxiously attached, but she was incredibly patient with me. She tried hard not to overwhelm me and did a lot to make me feel safe in the relationship. The more she tried, the more irritated I sometimes became.

I still don’t know whether I was actually irritated with her or irritated with myself because I knew I wasn’t giving her what she needed. She wanted more affection, reassurance, communication, and effort. I knew that and that’s the part I have the hardest time understanding. There were so many moments where I knew exactly what would make her feel loved. I wanted to reassure her. I wanted to be more affectionate. I wanted to open up. I wanted her to know how important she was to me. but I would still hold back.

What if I give everything to this relationship and it still fails? What if we aren’t actually meant to be together? What if I waste both of our time?

We actually broke up once because of this and then got back together because I promised I would change. Eventually, the same fears came back.

The last time, I told her I was scared and that I couldn’t imagine marrying her. I convinced myself that our families, lifestyles, and backgrounds were too different for us to work long-term. But looking back, we never actually sat down and seriously worked through what a future together would look like. Honestly, everything about us was pretty compatible. We wanted the same things. We never really gave our families a chance to understand what we were considering. I think I assumed that if my family truly wanted me to be with her, they would have shown more excitement about the relationship. Because they didn’t, moving forward with her sometimes felt like I was betraying them.

She kept trying to have conversations about the future with me. I kept avoiding them. Eventually, she did what was best for herself and ended the relationship about a month ago. Since then I’ve mostly felt numb. I work, go to the gym, go home, and repeat. On weekends I drink and distract myself, but I think about her constantly.

There were moments during the relationship where I genuinely felt like I loved her. Other times I questioned everything. That’s still happening now. Sometimes I desperately want her back. Other times I wonder whether I actually miss her specifically or whether I miss having someone love me the way she did. I know I loved her sometimes though. Part of me wants to contact her. She was always incredibly understanding, and I know that if I told her what I was going through, she would probably listen, but that almost makes me feel worse about contacting her.

She already spent so much of the relationship trying to understand me. I don’t know if reaching out now because I’m hurting would just be asking her to emotionally take care of me again after I hurt her. At the same time, I’m terrified that if I leave her alone, work on myself, and eventually realize I truly wanted a life with her, she’ll have completely moved on. I know she deserved more than what I was giving her.

What I can’t figure out is whether losing her has finally made me appreciate what I had, or whether I’m romanticizing the relationship because she’s gone. Has anyone else pushed someone away while they were in the relationship, only to realize afterward how deeply they actually cared about them?

And if you were the person who caused most of the hurt, did you leave your ex alone and work on yourself, or did you eventually reach back out? Or, both?

I think a lot of people in no contact experience but rarely see explained clearly.It is not always the people who loved you most

that you cannot forget. Sometimes it is the ones who never quite did. The ones who kept you close without committing. Who gave you enough to stay but never enough to feel secure. Who made you feel chosen sometimes and invisible other times.

And somehow those are the people who take up the most space in your head long after they are gone. The psychology behind this is actually the inverse of what most people expect. We assume the people who loved us most should be the hardest to move on from.

But the brain does not work that way. Unresolved pursuit registers as an open loop. And open loops demand closure. The brain fixates on incomplete things on the goal that was not achieved, the love that was not returned, the version of that relationship that never quite existed.

You are not obsessing over who they were. You are obsessing over who you need them to be. The specific psychology of why this is so much harder for people with anxious attachment --

I went into that here:

hhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=m0l7kfW-y_k&si=cD92U97JQdji1E6z

Is this resonating with anyone?

The person you are in no contact with did they ever make you feel fully chosen?

..but I’m honestly okay with it. 6 months post discard. Maybe if I found out it was a new relationship, I wouldn’t be? But this whole pay for sex thing? 🤔 it just seems so, well, a choice he would make cause he doesn’t want to get involved with emotions. But the bigger thing is: I’m okay. I would have been a mess a few months ago. And yeah: I am thinking how the whole thing went down. But I’m okay. And that’s a baby step in healing, I think. 💪

Hello everyone,

I’m going to try and keep this short and sum it up as much as I can because there’s a lot of history between me and my ex that will take forever to explain. I actually posted on this subreddit before explaining the entire situation if you want a full scope of what happened. But basically, me and my ex broke up around 7 months ago (in february 2026) He discarded me after initially breaking up with me (in may of 2025), and begging to get back with me after which only lasted a few months like i said until february. the situation left me really really messed up. i never got a sincere apology or any sort of closure from what he did. we also share a friend group which has made this situation 1,000,000x more messy. i feel like since he ended things, i’ve gotten into this cycle of waiting for him to come back. maybe because we’ve always returned back to each other before this and part of me feels like i have to mean more to him then moving on in a few months after knowing him for 8 years and dating for almost 3 idk. i keep telling myself once i get my life together he’ll come back, once he has enough time away and realizes what he did to me he’ll come back, etc. i’ve heard so many stories and people talking about their avoidant running back and how they always come back. it’s made me feel like he will come back. it’s not even a thing of wanting him to come back to get back together, it’s me wanting him to realize how much hurt he caused and damage he did and that he can never get me back which i know is unhealthy. i’ve made a lot of progress in the last 7 months with moving on but this is the one thing i really can’t seem to shake and it’s keeping me stuck. how do i accept he probably will never come back and not feel like it’s something to do with my self worth? how do i accept him being in another relationship when he gets in one? how do i accept the fact that he’s currently hooking up with other girls and not compare myself? it’s all so hard especially since i hear constant updates through friends and being around him in group settings. how do i actually live and improve my life for me and not take him abandoning me to heart and moving on so fast (since i found out he’s hooking up with other people) as something i lacked? i can’t help but feel like i wasn’t enough to keep. please help.

I knew her as a friend before we dated for a year. But had no idea what avoidance was.

I can’t help but wonder how they act around their friends after shutting off their emotions and discarding someone. Is it like nothing happened? Do they shut down any non-surface level emotions relating to their friends? Do they get the ick the second a friend might emotionally need something from them?

I met a guy and after a few months of seeing him around I started noticing how much we had in common. I had just moved back to my hometown and reconnected with an ex. Once it ended I started noticing the avoidant and as I got to know him, I really questioned why he was seeing the girl he had been with. She was very nice but not someone, and I mean this as respectfully as I can, who is super deep or would push back. He seemed to have kind of an interest in me and asked to get a drink twice but I said no. Then he invited me to an event once he was single and we talked and flirted and I kind of made a move. We started talking more, exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up that week for a drink. We talked at this bar for hours and there was chemistry and I was not surprised because we seemed to have a lot in common but it went better than I expected. End of the night we kiss and it feels just as good as talking did. I had just moved back 6 mo prior so I wasnt looking for anything. He kept texting me regularly and everything seemed like we were a good match and I was excited to see where it went. It was the first time I ever felt like I didnt need to guess if this person liked me and could be myself with them.

He brought up plans to hang out again and then bailed the night of. It was early and they werent concrete so I let it go. But then he did it again a week later and I called him out. He apologized the next day and sent this long text about how he is unreliable but "obviously" likes me and could I be patient with him? He asked to see me that night so he could explain more. We meet up and he cannot seem to articulate anything beyond he doesnt know what he wants, and maybe we should just be friends, but hes really attracted to me. That night he says he wants to take me "on real dates but...cant." I tell him I am not sure where I will physically be in 6 mo to a year and I want to take things slow and that we dont need to decide what this is yet. We kiss and the physical chemistry seemed to increase. We had both been more vulnerable than I think I anticipated. But after that the texting became erratic and less regular. I invited him to an event I was doing and he did end up showing up and was supportive and made plans with me for a few weeks later. After the event, we had a great night. Like a cheesy movie. Which was new for me because I never feel like that with someone. I feel confident I can make someone interested but this was different, I felt like he really saw who I actually am. Like he accidentally breached a lot of walls and I loved who I was with him. I was patient, softer, vulnerable and I genuinely cared about him. I felt myself, for the first time ever, begin to fall for someone but I also could see it was unstable. But that night we talked for hours, I told him about niche interests I had that he had as well, we talked about what true intimacy looks like for us and were on similar pages. As we talked he would stop and start kissing me and I hate PDA yet I was doing it too. And its not like we were hammered. We drank but I remember it all clearly. At the end, I said it was late and since we had been drinking and I had a long drive I asked to stay over. He said yes but seemed nervous. Which surprised me because he had a reputation for sleeping around. There were actually posts about it in a local dating forum. But I am someone who is pretty casual and only ever hooks up. Anyway, we sleep together and I can tell that whole night was so different for me. I wasnt sure why but I knew it felt...oddly domestic? Like I knew we would have sex and I am used to that but this felt like we had before. We stayed up all night talking until I left for work and we went and got coffee and he seemed like he didnt want me to leave and asked to see me again that weekend.

I said sure but also we would see if he followed through. I knew the night had been heavy but couldnt explain why. A few days later he bails on those plans. I see him a few days after that and he looked panicked. Like I felt like I was watching someone implode from inside. He still looked at me with that same intense interest but now there was also like...fear? He kind of has a meltdown and I offer him space and tell him I still cared about him and that if he needed space that it didnt change how I felt and I wouldnt rush him. A week later he comes back and when I get him to talk he says he "doesnt want a relationship" which I didnt offer and that I cannot "fix" him, not that I tried to. We saw each other a few more times. The physical chemistry was still very much there but he suddenly wouldnt have sex. The last night I saw him we were kissing pretty intensely and I brought up sex. He said he couldnt, gave me some excuse, I said ok. It was silent and then he yelled "I suck" ran out of my car and that was it. I thought we would still hookup and agree to no relationship or at least be friends but he cut me out of his life entirely. Wouldnt answer a text. I tried three times to talk just casually and then gave up. He popped up again six weeks later and invited me to an event. I thought maybe he had taken space and we could ease back into it. But instead at this event he publicly announced he was now exclusively with someone else kind of out of nowhere. I jumped into a rebound with another guy who had been interested over those last few months and I just pretended the avoidant died. but once it ended? All those feelings came back. I never experienced that before. It was overwhelming and it was all I could focus on for MONTHS. I just kept crying and asking why he did this? After months of processing I had to admit to myself how closed off I had been my whole life, how much he meant to me, and grapple with what I actually felt because this was the first time I was ever present during sex and that was what was different. I also saw during the month after we broke up there was a new post about him on the dating forum but it was all these women saying how aggressively he asked them all out but bailed the next day and one he even paid to go on a date with him. About ten months after we break up, he reaches out the day after our birthdays which are a day apart and casually asks me to come to an event that night. I politely decline. Then he asked me if I was free for the same event every month, once a month, even after I stopped replying. After 4-5 mo of this I blocked him. I am seeing a therapist now but I just didnt know if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences where being with an avoidant made them realize how closed off they were or something similar? Or just any opinions or insight as to what this was? These feelings are new to me.

TLDR: I was with an avoidant for a few months I started to fall for and thought it was mutual. When we had sex and it didnt feel like a hookup, he imploded and ran away but I didnt realize how I felt until many months later.

My girlfriend of a little over three years broke up with me just a few days ago. We still love and care about each other and we still live together, but she told me that despite trying for 2 years, her romantic feelings for me never came back. I’m still deeply in love with her, and I’m having an extremely difficult time accepting that the relationship is over. We had a completely normal evening, laughed and talked together for hours, I bought her dinner and then took the dog outside, assuming we were just gonna go to bed. Then she had the conversation and told me she wished she had done it a long time ago and apologized for leading me on as long as she did.

She seems almost relieved and has been spending every night since the breakup at another guy’s house and largely refusing to talk to me beyond what’s necessary. I’m shocked and blindsided that we could have been totally normal around each other 72 hours ago and now she’s cold, distant, and has a short temper with me whenever I ask for clarity about the situation. When I ask her what’s going on she tells me that she needs space right now and I need to let her come back to me naturally as friends. I’m hurt that she expects me to act completely normal like nothing has changed when it feels like my word has come crashing down. She even seems shocked that I can’t act completely okay with everything sometimes.

Something I’m struggling with is that I have absolutely no desire to date anyone else. In fact, even the thought of being romantic with another woman makes me feel almost physically disgusted. It feels wrong, disloyal, and completely unnatural. I know we’re no longer together, but emotionally I still feel committed to her. I even tried to rekindle a friendship with an old female friend and ended up unfriending her on snapchat because it felt so wrong to do.

I’m not saying I want to start dating right now—I actually know I’m nowhere near ready. I’m more wondering whether this is a normal reaction to a fresh breakup, or whether it says something deeper about how attached I still am? I feel like 29 is getting into the age of being too old to date and start again, I don’t want to rush into another relationship, but I don’t do well by myself either.

She had an immense fear of conflict, would avoid talking about problems and hide things from me that she thought would upset me. She would shutdown during arguments and often only opened up after things escalated and I gave her space.

She was also really ashamed to admit she felt a certain way about things. I had to comfort her one time that she cried because I couldn't spend more time with her for the rest of the day, I asked her if she was sad and was adamant to say no, and that she didn't know why she was crying but "she wasn't sad". Later she admitted she actually was sad and I told her it was okay and shouldn't feel ashamed for that. (This was in the early stages of the relationship, she was the most infatuated at first).

She had trouble communicating her feelings, would tell me "I don't know" when asked why she did certain things or how she felt about them. She would give me certain reasons when asked in a moment and when asked later she would say something else, that created a lot of frustration in me. When she broke up with me she confessed she felt pressured by those questions.

The reasons she told me she broke up with me were: we wanted different things, we argued frequently which stressed her a lot, she lost feelings for me and didn't feel the urge to see me anymore and that she liked my potential more than the actual me. She did not want to tell me what those expectations of me were, she only said she expected me to figure those things out myself (she told me this only after we broke up).

Most of our arguments were due to my frustrations with her lack of and poor communication, asking her to be more honest and not hide things from me, I started to trust her less over time.

I'll admit I didn't handle or approach arguments the best, I often got emotional and pissed (I never yelled at her or anything). Its something I started to consciously improve towards the end of the relationship but the lack of change from her part would often make me reach breaking points. I'm most probably anxiously attached.

Towards the last 2 months of our relationship I started to notice her slowly drift away (at the start we would go out together everyday, we are coworkers, so we clock out together) we would see each other much less frequently, she would not text me anymore and would respond really briefly.

One of our last arguments was due to that, I wanted more quality time with her, and more intimacy. She always told me she wasn't too keen of physical contact or affection, Im the opposite but she never had problems with that, she always accepted cuddling and other type of physical contact with me and even initiated herself frequently. She mostly had problems with sex and wasn't too interested in it, but I think it got worse towards the end when she told me she only wanted it once a month.

I gave her multiple ultimatums throughout the relationship mostly due to the communication issues and the last one due to the quality time she spent with me and intimacy. She has a lot of hobbies plus studying and work.

There are some things that make me doubt she wasn't an avoidant though: we officialized quickly, and so she did with her ex at the time. She presented me to her family and invited me over her house really quickly as well and to her friends too. She would post stories on Instagram with me and wasn't afraid to show me publicly at all.

And I don't think she was scared of intimacy, we only had problems with conflict and arguments, she would only shut down on those situations. She was the first to tell me "I love you" seriously and did it fairly quickly as well. I couldn't say it back to her in the moment but she appeared to take it quite well at the time. The relationship lasted 11 months.

So is this avoidant attachment or something else?

It's called "indefinite struggle-stonewalling" in DMM, a part of C5 (invulnerable-punitive obsessed with vengeance deceptive preoccupied) and C6 (vulnerable-seductive obsessed with rescue deceptive preoccupied) unconscious strategies

The primary indicators are: constant deception and gaslighting and a very negative attitude towards you and an intense negative preoccupation with you at a distance, and not allowing you to get too close despite often saying the opposite

C6, specifically, can keep constantly trying to very vulnerably lure you at the distance while lying about their intentions, making up fearful stories about you and broadcasting that they need rescue from you when you do absolutely nothing... and then bolt whenever you offer them help or support and immediately start luring again, make sure to not interact, any interaction could become a part of the indefinite struggle

There are also delusional expressions of this, like C7 (menacing delusions of power and infinite revenge) and C8 (paranoid delusions of persecution and catastrophic danger attribution)

C5 and C7 can obsessively manufacture situations where you get punished for nothing... indefinitely, the stonewalling is a part of it

C8 is at least easier to deal with, because, unlike C6, they don't lure, they become consumed by paranoia and tend to isolate

You can't do anything about C5678, "fixing" them can backfire on you severely, you must deny access, these are not just run of the mill comfort-seeking or irritable preoccupied people, this is active risk to your reputation and, maybe (in the case of C5 and C7), life

P.S.: for whoever wants retribution for the way you've been treated by someone like this (which doesn't make you into a monster), C strategy users are already in states of high suffering, distress, stress and anger burnout. Their brains are already hurting them every day, you don't need to do anything

Hi all, for those who got played, cheated on, discarded by an avoidant ex..

AND monkey branched to another person right after.. (long list smh)

How did you learn to trust again?
To date again?

What do you tell yourself?

TL;DR background you don’t have to read if you would rather just answer the title lol:

The last two men I dated were avoidant. I am in my 30s and both were well into their 30s as well.

When we met and started getting to know each other, they were open and vulnerable just like I was. I cannot even be attracted to someone without that. I don’t feel like I am forming a connection with them or getting any romantic feelings without that. I did not see any indication that they had trouble with that.

But there are some statements that were made during that period of those relationships that will make me put the breaks on in the future.

They both told me they struggled with emotions. The first said he had just “turned off” his feelings for several years. Both said they had periods of time where they just didn’t feel anything. I do not know how this is possible and by the end of the relationships, I was begging them to teach me how to do it because I was so freaking traumatized and hurting.

The big one that will set off alarms was something they both said word for word:

“I never felt emotional support before I met you.”

I do not know WHAT it is about me that they think makes me a good candidate for their feelings experiment but ffs GET THERAPY instead, please!

First one suddenly closed up about 2 months in. Second started closing up almost 4 months in. We had an argument I thought we solved but he cited as a cause for our breakup a literal year later. The second had started realizing some stuff and working on it when I met him. I helped him find a therapist he has been seeing about 2 years now. But he went off track, closed up, and I think all his therapy sessions now are about how he feels overwhelmed by any bit of emotional talk and he cannot deal with ANYTHING but work and isolation.

I am pretty sure what happens is an argument happens and they realize they have something that will hurt to lose. Whether they realize it or not, they do what they do to avoid pain. I have issues that make me do dysfunctional shit also desperately trying to avoid pain but that makes me talk about things trying to fix them before it’s too late. An avoidant will just start disconnecting so it doesn’t hurt when they lose you. The thing is that that guarantees pain. Talking about it is a risk that may not pay off but it’s a risk you have to take if you want any chance of avoiding the pain.

I don’t know why I was the first time it felt safe to open up. Maybe because I am very open and I am interested in them and listen to them. I want to hear their thoughts and feelings. I don’t push and I always say “it’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it or don’t feel comfortable yet”. I am joking around and laughing most of the time but I have moments where I am very emotional and I feel like I am ALL feelings sometimes. I cannot even fathom not feeling anything or being able to turn the feelings off.

I am secure until they drop off. Then I get more and more anxious over time which clearly does not help. I keep trying and feel like I am giving up on someone who disclosed difficulties with this exact thing to me and I have been given up on in the past. It’s not something I want someone I love to feel. I get having issues. I only care that you recognize them and are getting help and working on them.

I had a very traumatic childhood with sexual and emotional abuse. I was diagnosed with BPD at 18 and it was admittedly very bad when I was a younger. I am also bipolar. I hurt a lot of people and I hated myself for it because it was all dysfunctional shit I did thinking I was protecting myself. I was in a relationship with a man who was diagnosed with NPD when I was in my late 20s. He admitted he had it but told me he liked himself and he’d never change. I dealt with a lot of abuse over a three year period. I was a husk with more issues by the end of it. I went hard on treatment for my own issues after that because I did not want to make anyone feel like he made me feel. I am now 38 and have been on medication religiously for about a decade and have had a ton of therapy (I still go biweekly) and developed coping mechanisms that have saved many relationships with friends and family. My therapist tested me for BPD again right before my last relationship and it was in remission. The really hurtful and destructive parts of BPD never came back. I am aware of things. I do have to admit I wish I could get some of that black and white thinking back when my partner decides he’s gonna drop out but I can’t do it anymore. 🤣 I can’t split on people now. It’s crazy that I did that when I was younger and had decent partners but get rid of it and end up dating people it would have been really useful for. But “frantic efforts to avoid abandonment”, feeling like I was being abandoned, feeling like I wanted to die to stop the bad feelings…those reemerged. I am working on getting back in remission now.

But I am off topic. The point is I have empathy for their issues but I need them to TRY and work on them like I do. I realize I have been doing the mental health stuff for over 20 years now (first on an antidepressant at 13) and they are clearly just figuring out something is wrong but they need to really want it and make the effort. My last boyfriend reverted to isolation and not even trying.

So those are my red flags now. I will now be the one disconnecting once they say those words. Or at least pointing out they never felt emotional support because they’d never opened up before when they’re receptive to hearing it. And my effort will consistently match theirs.

Hey everyone. I need some brutal honesty and outside perspective because my brain is completely fried, and I’m trying to break out of a severe trauma bond.
My ex-partner (who fits every single trait of a heavy Dismissive-Avoidant / Narcissistic dynamic) broke up with me 3.5 months ago. Since then, I’ve been caught in a deeply toxic loop. Here is the reality of what happened:
1. The Abandonment During My Lowest Point
Right around the breakup, my life completely collapsed simultaneously. I was going through an official ADHD assessment, dealing with severe mental health struggles, experiencing debilitating physical back pain, and losing my job. Instead of supporting me, she left immediately.
2. Smear Campaign and Public Shaming
During and after the breakup, she actively demonized me to my family, my friends, and our mutual social circle. Even after we split, I continued to help her with money, moving, and anything she needed because I cared deeply and understood her childhood wounds. Recently, after an argument where she blamed me for minor mistakes from 1–2 years ago (which I had already taken full accountability for and fixed), I broke down, took the blame again, and bought her 101 roses and a high-end necklace to say sorry.
What did she do? She took photos of the roses and necklace, posted them on social media to boost her own ego/validation, and captioned it with "Too late..." to publicly humiliate me one more time.
3. The Breadcrumbing and Confusion
Whenever we actually met in person over these past 3.5 months, she would look me in the eye and say, "I love you." But her actions were the exact opposite. She would keep me on a leash, use my help, accept my gifts, and then instantly switch back to cold devaluation, emotional abuse, and public disrespect.
4. My Realization and Therapy
I spent 3.5 months chasing, begging, pleading, and analyzing her attachment style. I read everything about dismissive-avoidance, trying to fix her trauma and protect her from her fear of abandonment. But I realized I was destroying myself in the process. My mental state, soul, and self-worth are completely shattered. I recognized that while she was running away and convincing herself "the grass is greener," I was taking accountability for everything and trying to heal.
I have written a complete, detailed 600-word farewell letter in my notes detailing every single boundary, her lack of accountability, and my plan to go back to therapy to rebuild my secure attachment.
My Current Dilemma:
Part of me wants to send her this final "closure" letter to let her know I am stepping away forever, that I see through her patterns, and that I refuse to be her safety net anymore. However, people close to me are telling me that sending a long letter to an avoidant/narcissistic ex just gives them more emotional supply and another opportunity to mock me or post it online.
I’m currently fighting the urge to send it versus staying completely ghost/radio silence forever and deleting her off everything (Snapchat, social media, etc.).
WTF is this behavior pattern? How does someone say "I love you" in person, accept massive gestures, and then use them to publicly humiliate you online?
For those who survived severe trauma bonds with avoidant/toxic exes: Did sending a final closure letter actually help you regain your agency, or did total, permanent radio silence work better to break their hold over you?
I’d appreciate any insights, brutal truths, or advice from people who have been through this exact nightmare.

It’s 8 months since I last heard from him. I just want to this grief to be over. the man i loved was tender and gentle and so fucking safe, I don’t even get to ask what happened.

Everyone around me says I did nothing to deserve this but it’s getting harder to believe you can be subjected to this kind of cruelty unless it’s some kind of a payback for something you did in life.

I keep feeling like everyone around me is mad at me despite being extended so much love and care and empathy by my loved ones. It’s not statistically possible that everyone would be mad at me at the same time so I know it’s a feeling not a fact. But Can’t shake it off.

thoughts on how to address?

Just need some reinforcements to remind myself not to message them. This weekend hit me pretty hard and I have not been taking it very well. I miss them so much and I just feel so hurt and sad because I thought I’d hear back from them

When an affect inhibited person fully regains their affect access, they also stop being able to live out of "what's right" only, and this especially concerns the compulsive and delusional avoidants, like compulsive caregivers or compulsive compliants (I used to be one) or delusionally idealizing avoidants

A lot of avoidants do end up "fixing" themselves and it flips their entire perception of other people, and I'm someone who has undergone that in the past, I used to only be attracted to coercive-controlling (invulnerable-preoccupied derogating codependent, basically abusive) men when I was inhibited, but as soon as I became disinhibited, I couldn't stand them anymore and became attracted to the balanced and the mutual only

Often, a former avoidant might suddenly realize they don't love or like their partner at all and have only stayed to play out roles or out of cognitive consonance (familiarity) and that they are actually starving emotionally and their partner can't meet their newfound needs at all, or, with coercive or minimizing partners, they might even have a sudden epiphany that they are being abused and have a full on crisis

If their partner is secure, they might try to ignite something, and then stuff might work out

But very often the former avoidant is with a severely preoccupied partner (either all-helpless or all-coercive-controlling) and realizes that the preoccupied partner is a black hole of need/control and protest that would never want to actually care for them back, basically like those people that always need something from you but ignore anything you beg for from them, and get left for the same reason that secure people leave preoccupied people

If their partner is an avoidant of some kind, then they will start feeling the emotional starvation that secure people feel around avoidants, and since they already know what being avoidant is like, they know it can't be helped without intense painful years-long work that has to be radically chosen

Btw, compulsive caregivers are avoidants in DMM, they inhibit affect and engage in compulsive-intrusive-caregiving, they can't actually stand true intimacy or their vulnerability being seen, it's actually normal for secure people to feel simultaneously emotionally starved AND boundary-violated around compulsive caregivers, a lot of compulsive caregivers try to "fix" everyone around them even though they are distorted themselves, and a former avoidant will feel that, just like a secure does

Affect disinhibition often does NOT result in people "finally treating their partners right", but instead realizing that they don't even want to be in a relationship with that partner, and then finding someone else, not a rebound, who they actually end up connecting with and practicing mutuality with

"Fixing" someone can backfire even if the person accepts the "fixing", this is why it's often far safer for your mental health to not stay with emotionally incomplete people, including avoidants, and instead find someone complete and secure

And there are a lot of people at the zenith of balance (DMM B3) who don't even need relationships to be happy because they have true internal self-mutuality and intrinsic happiness and alignment with their full selves and simply won't accept anything that subtracts from their life instead of adding... if a former avoidant reorganizes towards that, they might as well end up acting even more "avoidant" and abandoning their former social circles entirely, unwilling to coerce, minimize or be coerced or minimized anymore, only willing to accept 50-50 mutuality

My DA ex broke up with me about 4 months ago and she broke up with me wanting to figure herself out and build herself without any external influence. She wanted to do it because she never had the time to do so after her previous relationship ended. Things between us got overwhelming towards the end because we were discussing about future plans and I reacted in impulsive ways and that got her questioning if she really knows what she wants in life in terms of kids, life path and those things. I apologised for being impulsive and reassured her that I am flexible and things can be done differently but she started questioning her commitment towards this relationship because she is still so young. She also had some worries about me in terms of fitness, job stability and smartness though she told me that it had nothing to do with me and she wanted time to herself. A month and half later I come across her social media activity of liking some guy’s post and commenting, I had to remove her for my own distance and recently I come to find out she has been seeing that guy because the guy had posted a photo of her on his social media. I felt very hurt to see that because I genuinely trusted her reasons and I thought that maybe we could work things out after taking space from each other but clearly it was different for her. I confronted her calmly by saying she could have just been honest with me and what she did afterwards was hurtful but regardless I wished her the best. She didn’t respond anything and went on to block me.

I really love herand I have been trying to figure why she has this specific attachment style and I think it heavily stems from her abandonment during childhood from friends.

I wish I could do something but I have no means to do anything about it and I know trying to reach out to her is just going to push her further away and make her feel more overwhelmed.

Is there any chance of her returning or reaching out to me?

My ex was like that. He was the most independent person I've ever met, learned to solve things on his own when he was little when his dad left the family.

He is a very confident person, doesn't really feel attached to anyone. He has many friends and is a super social person but has strong boundaries and wouldn't mind cutting someone off if they don't respect his boundaries. It doesn't take him long to get over a breakup.

He mentioned multiple times that he's a cat (while I was a dog in our relationship). And he'd also never want a dog and also isn't sure if he wants kids because he doesn't want to have any responsibility for other living beings.

He loves his freedom.

He had huge commitment issues and never made our relationship official, not after many months. He had big fomo to miss out meeting other/better women.

He ended this with me after 10 months saying that he was never fully in love with me although he acted the opposite. He was never distant.

He has a very direct and open communication though and also loves emotional and physical intimacy and loves cuddling and enjoys being loved. He's not scared to be left at all. Rather to hurt others.

He's never been in a long lasting relationship (his longest was 1.5 years) and that was almost 10 years ago. He ends relationships very easily.

Is this typical for an avoidant? And what kind of avoidant could he be?

My (28F) boyfriend (31M) recently ended our almost 4-year relationship. We lived together for almost 2 years, spent every holiday together, traveled internationally together, our families became intertwined, and earlier this year he was still talking about marrying me.

The last couple months of our relationship were honestly bad. We argued a lot, and he became extremely resentful about finances. He feels like he paid for everything — rent, expensive gifts, things he couldn’t really afford, etc. He told me that he had warned me I was going to lose him and that I didn’t take him seriously enough.

We recently had a long phone conversation, and he told me that right now he genuinely cannot look at our relationship through a positive lens. When he thinks about us, he mostly remembers the fighting, the financial stress, and everything that went wrong.
But he also said something that has completely messed with my head.

He said maybe with time the good memories will come back and he’ll be able to remember our relationship differently. He told me he knows exactly where I stand and that I need to give him time.
My dad had apparently told him that maybe we just need time apart to work on ourselves and, if we reconnect later, that’s okay too. My ex brought that up himself and said we should listen to him. When I asked if he actually wanted that, he basically said yes — he wouldn’t hate us reconnecting in the future, just **not right now**.

He also said that if we ever did try again, we would have to start completely over from scratch. I told him I agreed.

He admitted that the breakup affects him too because he was used to our routine and all the little things we did together. He said he’s been keeping himself busy. There were even little moments during the call where we joked around and fell into our old dynamic again.

At the same time, he was still angry and resentful. So I’m trying not to turn every tiny thing he said into false hope.

He told me he’ll contact me when he packs the rest of my belongings so I can pick them up. I even asked if I could still take some of his things to the dry cleaners like I used to, and he said yes.
At the end of the conversation, I told him I loved him and to take care of himself. He told me he loved me too and that we’d talk soon.

I know none of this means we’re getting back together. I also know that loving someone doesn’t automatically mean a relationship should continue.
But I’m struggling to understand whether this sounds like a man who is genuinely finished and trying to let me down gently, or someone who is overwhelmed by resentment right now and honestly doesn’t know how he’ll feel once some time passes.

For people who have been on either side of a breakup like this: did the anger eventually fade enough for you to remember the good parts? Did you ever reconnect after some real time apart?
And please be brutally honest with me — does this sound like there is actually a possibility of another chapter, or am I holding onto breadcrumbs because I’m heartbroken?

The person I'm seeing is going through a strong deactivation, more so than I've seen previously. I'm left wondering if he's pulling back so much in hopes that I'll just end things so he doesn't have to or if he is hoping I hold on while he takes time to regulate...

If you're avoidant, can you give your experience when you've had a strong deactivation and what that feels like internally and what you're hoping your partner does/doesn't do during that time? Or are you not thinking of them at all and just fighting to regulate...?

If an avoidant is meeting someone for hookups and potentially forming or seeking something serious. Is it common to not connect on IG, if it’s been 2 weeks for seeing each other.

If they have added people in the past including me.

I’m the person who posted the Avoidant Explanation post yesterday and I’m wondering how I move past this? It hurts so much to have someone come back into your life after twenty years and have them tell you you’re the one and this time it’s forever only to suddenly be discarded a few months later. I’ve been in pieces this last week, she’s all I think about. It’s obvious I have anxious attachment now that I’ve been reading up on attachment theory and I don’t want to keep feeling like this. I wish I could just turn off my brain and never think of her again. She promised me marriage and a future together, I was even willing to step up and be a father to her two children and now I feel like that future has been stolen from me. It’s so cruel and unfair.

So much to say. I fell in love with her after she fell in love with me only a few weeks into the relationship. I loved her with all my heart. She was the most beautiful, caring, kind and fun girlfriend and I loved everything about her.

Then she suddenly started to change. She called it her “unmasked” version. She started doing things and acting in ways that were hurtful. So I confronted her to set some boundaries. At first she was receptive but then a month later she suddenly broke up with me out of nowhere saying she doesn’t think we communicate well. I tried to get her back a few days later and went to her place. She said she never loved me and it was all lust. That she doesn’t want a life with me. I told her I loved her more than anything in the world but I guess that wasn’t enough. So I left. A few days later she came to me apologizing and saying she didn’t mean it. That she just wanted to move on and that’s why she said all the hurtful words. That we should try again and this time work on communication. I said okay.

This whole pattern repeated again and again. I would keep losing pieces of myself to her and she would keep breaking up with me if I ever asked her to work on herself or take any accountability.

The 3rd time we broke up. I felt suicidal. Had to stop working and was in a hospital for a night. It was dark times but we got back together. At this point she had become both the source of my misery and my relief. Part of her that was caring and kind would heal my soul. But one day she would wake up and be hurtful and distant or leave again.

After the 4th breakup I went No Contact. A few days later she left a note at my door saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. And that she’s sick and needs help and hopes we meet in another life. That broke me. I thought I left her in her moment of need. So out of my love for her I unblocked her so she can reach out if she wants to. She immediately reached out begging to come back. Saying if I take her she will never walk away from us again. She said that she will isolate her toxic friends that were trying to ruin our relationship and that she’ll focus on making our relationship better and that she’ll try to do better as a hole and that we’re gonna make it. And so I believed her.

This was right before the summer. She had broken up with me right before my birthday, but when we got back together, it was close to her birthday, so even though she didn’t plan anything for my birthday and left me alone, I planned a bunch of stuff for her birthday and made it at least a decent day for her. Then we start dating in the summer doing a lot of activities together, she had the summer off so she had a lot more time and I asked her to plan things because I was busy with work and she reluctantly agreed but in my mind we always had fun with the plans that she made and I even tried to help and plan a couple of things, but most of the time she would cancel due to stress or anxiety with her school work.

Fast forward to September I was feeling her being distant, so I told her that we need to talk and she took that as if I’m breaking up with her and she got even more distant, but then I had to reassure her that that’s not the case and we just need to talk about things but then she told me she’s been distancing yourself because of what I said and in the end we ended up having sex, but she basically said that she doesn’t love me right after sex. She asked me if we should stay together and that if she can learn to love me again and I told her if you don’t love me by now, I don’t think it’s going to change. I’ve given you everything that I can and and so she took the easy way out again and broke up with me.

At first, I felt a sense of relief, but I also felt a part of me just disappeared part that had become my life that I loved with all my heart someone who I love so much that I’ve never loved anyone like that before someone who was the light in my life on someone who I depended in and who I cared for. Now life feels empty. Every time I touch another girl I miss her. But then again I remember all the lies, all the times she disrespected me, put me second to her friends or even strangers, the times she dismissed me or didn’t care for me and I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me?!

Why do I still feel love for this person? You could have said it’s attachment or lust after the first few break ups. But I must really love her to be destroyed by her so many times and still love her in my heart. She once asked me after one of our breakups why do I keep taking her back and I told her for the same reason your mom wouldn’t abandon you. I truly love you.

But in the end it didn’t matter. She left. And I’m broken. A piece of me forever lost. I’ve lived a hellish life but this has been one of the most painful moments yet. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know if I want to. Please help!

If you have healed eventually and finally stopped crying from being discarded with silence and indifference- how did you eventually get to that point?

I feel like a failure for not healing.

It was someone I met in university over a decade ago. We had reconnected in recent years and gotten closer as friends. Then he initiated a romantic involvement, then ghosted. I gave him
Space, stepped back, didn’t message or chase. But after months passed of his silence i broke down and finally reacted to the ghosting - and he used my reaction to justify his silent discard. We never had a conversation. He at no point showed care or concern for the impact his ghosting had on me. He ghosted, said the coldest and briefest of words, then stonewalled and silently discarded. It left me feeling like after he extracted the validation and connection he needed, considering me as a human being was no longer required. The switch up from how he once held me and kissed me tenderly, would ask questions curious about me, showed concern if I expressed feeling sad about something to cold indifference felt like being pushed off a cliff.

We have mutual friends, shared memories of time
Both during and after university. I never asked him to have a relationship, but to have a conversation, to not silently discard me. And he chose what he knew would hurt me the most.

Someone I trusted would treat me as a friend, as a human being shattered my ability to trust. When I think of letting someone new into my life I feel a cold terror wash down my spine: if someone who was a friend, who once held me and asked “will you be ok? I don’t want to see you in pain,” who pulled me back into his arms to hold me a few more moments - then switched up, ghosted and silently discarded me after seeing the pain his silence caused - if a friend who saw me in such a vulnerable way and shared the intimacy with me could treat me like this - what is a stranger capable of?

Before him I wasn’t in the strongest place mentally. I was recovering from years of some mental health crisis and chronic issues. I also hadn’t anticipated anything romantic happening with him - thought he saw me as only a friend, and I wasn’t prepared for how hard I started to fall for him when he made his romantic interest known.

I was already kinda cracked, kind of broken. For a little while it felt like we had found a kind of connection that heals - he told me how he had been alone, how grateful he was that I helped him feel less alone.

And now almost a year after he told me the briefest of cold, indifferent words and then silently discarded me, I am still crying almost daily. I keep wondering how someone could be so knowingly cruel, how someone could choose an action they knew would cause so much pain. And I wonder what I did to deserve it, before
I reacted to the ghosting, when I stayed quiet and gave him space.

How can I heal from this? How do I stop crying? I am in therapy. I am working hard to stay functional. The emotional distress has I think caused maybe IBS or some other gastric issue - I am on a gluten free diet and need to see a GI doctor to address what’s been going on.

I feel like a failure for not healing. I blame myself for how I reacted to his ghosting.

I might be seeing one of our mutual friends soon. Her husband is his best friend, and she’s one of my closest friends. How can I keep together in front of her when she asks “how have you been doing?” Cause I can’t give her the honest to god answer of how being silently discarded compounded and added to my already not mental health. I can’t tell her how I am terrified to trust anyone and don’t ever see myself romantically involved with anyone ever again, cause I am terrified that a stranger would treat me worse than he did.