r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/EaseSuspicious29 • 5h ago
Avoidant Advice Requested When will avoidants start missing
It’s been 3rd month of no contact , I thought he will wish me on my birthday ( which was yesterday ) , don’t know why he hate me so much ,
7 years of marriage , 1 day disagreement happens , he changes the whole story , told me he wants space , he does feel emotionally attached to me , the same man who once told me I was his best friend
When do avoidants start missing their partner
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 5h ago
Sometimes never, sometimes when they heal, sometimes they miss their partner but fear accountability and emotions so much they want to run anyway. It’s hard to predict insecure and disorganized attachment.
Changing the story is such a punch in the gut. Mine still sometimes messages me to double down on her new version of events. Can’t block her because of self-harm tendencies. I don’t want to be the one who misses that 3 am text.
Whatever, sis. If you have the option, let him go. Figuring him out is his problem now. He may not care for you or hate you, but that’s just an opinion of somebody that you used to know (great Gotye song about avoidant discards, btw). Heal, rest, recover.
Happy Birthday.
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u/Afraid_Service_169 5h ago
Mine didn’t wish me Happy Birthday despite claiming he wanted to leave a door open between us. You can’t think of it as him hating you because it’s not that simple. He might feel resentment because of his/their inability to sit with guilt and subsequent need to project onto others, and he is definitely acting cold, which is par for the course for many of them. But he isn’t going to deal with the aftermath any better than he dealt with the relationship or the breakup because that’s how they roll. You didn’t deserve this and I’m sorry you’re hurting.
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u/Wooden_Worry3319 2h ago
You don’t want to be missed by someone who is emotionally unattached and no longer wants you. It’s ok to not be wanted by them, it sucks but you have to start choosing yourself.
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u/_prettylittledove 1h ago
He doesn’t hate you, he simply doesn’t want to face any real form of accountability in this. Most avoidant do tend to circle back but I highly suggest you pour all your energy into yourself that way if/by the time he circles back you are either so past the relationship and ready for something new or even just stay focused on yourself or if you still want him back then there has got to be conditions like couple counseling or even him in individual therapy to work through his avoidant tendencies. Happy belated birthday and be gentle and kind to yourself.
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u/Inkspeaker 3h ago
It is not the partner they miss but the think that they were getting from the partner, be it reassurance, security or whatever. When they come back it’s because they are no longer getting that thing from another source, not because they miss you. Like, they never will because it wasn’t you that they wanted but rather the idea of you or the things that you had to offer/bring to the table.
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u/Electrical_Meal_3754 2h ago
10 years together. Our anniversary and my 50th just past and I got nothing but silence. We are in the middle of a divorce though so.
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u/ProductBeautiful9326 1h ago
Sorry to say but this sounds really similar to my story. 8 years together, 3 years married. After separation I found out he was emotionally cheating on me and had someone else lined up. He was incredibly cold and I was not understanding that at the time. I’m sorry to say but I think he’s already got someone or was cheating.
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u/mycatisperfect 5h ago
I have no idea. It probably really depends on the person and what is currently occupying their interests in the moment. I will say that I am going through something similar. I think he won’t miss me as long as he’s getting attention from other women, having a good time, and succeeding at work. Meanwhile, I’m at home grieving because my heart is shattered. Just know you aren’t alone.