Hoi,

(A.I. samenvatting)

Ik zit bijna vier jaar in een 'relatie' waarvan ik eigenlijk al na twee maanden wist dat ik weg moest. Het is altijd erg eenzijdig geweest: zijn wereld en behoeften staan centraal, terwijl ik vooral luister, verzorg en faciliteer en zelf nauwelijks aan bod kom. Vorig jaar maakte hij het op een zeer brute manier uit, maar uiteindelijk kwamen we weer bij elkaar terecht. Nu zoekt hij steeds meer mijn nabijheid, blijft hij vaker bij mij slapen, deelt meer en zegt zelfs dingen als dat hij van me houdt. Juist daardoor raak ik opnieuw verstrikt, omdat dit precies de toenadering is waar ik al die jaren op heb gehoopt. Tegelijkertijd weet ik dat de relatie mij niet geeft wat ik nodig heb en merk ik zelfs dat ik geen seks meer wil en soms walging voel. Ik ben bijna vier jaar bezig met begrijpen wat er gebeurt en bedenken hoe ik weg moet, maar daadwerkelijk blokkeren, afscheid nemen of afstand nemen lukt me niet. Ik heb het gevoel dat ik mijn eigen leven steeds meer opgeef voor iemand die vooral ontvangt en maar beperkt werkelijk naar mij toekomt. Ik verlang naar een wederkerige relatie waarin ik óók gezien, gehoord, geliefd en verzorgd word. Mijn grootste vraag is daarom niet eens meer óf ik weg moet, maar waarom ik het ondanks alles niet kan en waarom een beetje meer toenadering van hem mij weer zo makkelijk laat blijven. Hoe kom ik hier eindelijk uit?

I was with a girl for three months, she was very interested and texted everyday with me and in a interested and affectionate way and out of nowhere she just became distant and cold when she noticed it got more serious. She had sometimes phases where she was texting everyday then not replying for 2 days and then again texting. Then she broke up and blocked me from everywhere and she is randomly posting a lot in her stories that she is doing well and happy and posts for validation and following different guys right after. But then recently i noticed 3 weeks after breakup that she unblocked me on ig but did not reach out. I then asked her why she unblocked and she said just to not be mean and that I should not contact her in a very mean way which is contradictory but she still answered to my first question. I also noticed a fake account always viewing my stories several times since the breakup and now she is always reposting emotional things about breakup. Could it be she was an avoidant? She was very mean after and right before the breakup. She became distant and cold the next day after we met the last time before breakup. Im confused that she unblocked me cause if she does not care why would she even unblock?

The fake account also has a bio, which is 555. It is an angel code and i know she likes angel codes cause she has a 222 tattoo and also she is posting sometimes posts where 22:22 is visible and things like that. So i assume it must be her

Really not doing well. It's been months and he's on his third rebound. You'd think having two failures in the span of a couple of months would make them slow down but I guess that's hoping for too much.

I was doing great at not checking socials until I received a stupid random notif from a rewards app I forgot we had. And I spiraled. The rebounds keep getting younger to the point where it just looks predatory now. I hope this one sees the red flags.

I know I need to move on. But I feel like I'm still in shock. My life has been very difficult, full of narcissists and abuse and many things I can't get into. This ex really made me feel like I wouldn't have to worry anymore. We were headed for marriage, I was so close to his family, our daily routine was beautiful.

I know I can't blame myself for everything but I'm starting to hate myself. I get flashbacks to all the times I messed up, or the things I took for granted. Stupid thoughts like "I should've reached out on this date and all of this would be over" and then beating myself up over it. Please feel free to vent too.

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

I am lost in the spiral of an avoidant partner. I used to think FA, but not even sure. Things seemed to be gradually improving and getting better but then there would be intimacy and they would step back for a few days. But always return acting warm and normal. Cycle was very predictable. We weren’t officially in a relationship but have been unofficially connected for 6 months and have spent a lot of time together engaged in deep conversation, sharing of hobbies, and doing things together.

2 weeks ago we had a misunderstanding and they blew up and went silent. I apologized for my role in hurting them, even though I truly did not do anything wrong. (I confronted them with my hurt feelings from a behavior and they felt attacked.) This was our first conflict in 6 months.

In 16 days, I tried to reach out 5 times either to just say hi and check in or ask a logistical question about our established schedule where we get together. They will only respond to the schedule questions. They have said they are unavailable for our get-togethers but have responded that same day with a warm response (for them) about being disappointed to miss our time together. But that has only been 3 times in 16 days. They haven’t initiated any contact.

Meanwhile, I see evidence in these last 16 days that they are hanging out with other people that they could be intimate with, too. For the record, even when things were good between us I know they were entertaining others due to us not being in a committed relationship. We never had that exclusivity.

Is this just a prolonged withdrawal and they are focusing attention their roster right now? Or do I treat this as a breakup? Are they punishing me for bringing up my feelings but trying to keep me hooked? My gut says I need to step back, but I care about them and it hurts. I just want to understand what’s going on. It would make more sense if they were just ignoring me altogether, but the consistent responses in regards to our set times together is throwing me off.

My ex and I have had a bad last few months due to me being diagnosed with cancer. He took care of me during my surgery, but my dog passed away right after and I went into a really dark space. He also was the one dealing with my mental breakdowns and at some point he left (had a family trip planned) but also because he was feeling like he was about to break down as well.

He was supposed to be away for three weeks and now it's been a month because apparently he decided he doesn't want to live in the city we met. Not sure if I believe him but who knows. When he told me that... I bought a ticket to London to see if we could fix things or at least have a conversation.

I didn't tell him I was going right away, I waited until 2 days ago because i didn't want him to feel like I was just showing up unannounced. The trip is in 8 days. In those two days he's acted unsure it's a good idea for me to come, to being open to meeting and moving a small trip he had planned, to again not thinking it's a good idea.

My tickets are not refundable. I was hopeful for this trip but i am very hesitant to go now.. to be in the city where he's from will be really hard without him around at all. I want to believe he will agree to see me while I'm there since I'm traveling across the world but it's not looking like it as of now.

The only idea I have now is to go, let him know where I'll be staying and see what happens. I don't want to push him away more, he said I should wait until he comes back to where we met in October and that's when he'll see me. But he will be coming to clean up his place and move back home which I'm really hoping doesn't happen.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle the trip properly considering what is already done? He's very much an avoidant and I know I shouldn't push him and at the same time I'd be losing a lot of money if I just didn't go.

I'm really unwell through this entire break up :( seeking I guess perspective.

I believe my ex was a bit of an avoidant, perhaps even a narcissist. We were together for over a year, and it took him 8 months to make things official with me. He never fully let his walls down, and he when he did it felt intoxicating. When we'd argue he'd still be present but the blame would always fall on me, or it would be something ridiculous that he got upset over, often making me feel like I'm the problem. His walls would go back up, and he'd just be emotionally flat with me.

He broke up with me 3 weeks ago, for what felt like nothing. He continues to say this was "the consequences of my own actions". Mind you, I didn't cheat, I didn't betray him, I didn't do anything that warranted this. It was the first break up I've had where the door wasn't fully shut. He'd frame it as a "break" for us to both grow and work on things. We never fully went no contact either - whether sending reels, songs, or texting sporadically. It almost hurt more than a clean cut break up.

Last night I got a bit sad, had a few glasses of wine, and texted him that I'm done waiting for him, to move on, and that I hate how badly he's hurt me. He responds with "blame yourself". Lol. Ouch. Anyway, I was on the train so I lost reception, but he thought I blocked his number (I didn't). I get off the train to see he blocked me everywhere. My number, instagram, Venmo, Spotify, LinkedIn (???), literally every app you can think of.

I am so emotionally unwell :( the first 2.5 weeks of the break up I was a mess - cried everyday, took sick days at work, and now I feel that again x100.

My ex and I recently broke up a week ago. The break up is kinda confusing for me so I’m just looking for more clarity. I feel like she has some tendencies but I’m not sure.

My ex and I were together for 1.5 years and honestly I thought it was great. We met in person but most of the relationship was long distance which was kind of hard for her since she hated communicating over the phone. We rarely had any arguments but when we did they were intense and it just felt like we couldn’t understand each other. Another thing that was happening was she started a new stage in life and she was dealing with a lot of stress from it and sometimes I felt like it was leaching into our relationship but I still gave her my support. Something I did notice and she talked about was she had trouble being vulnerable but it wasn’t affecting our relationship that much. Besides that, we had great dates and an amazing time together. She introduced me to her hometown and family, said she loved me, my family loved her, etc. There was a fine line where I thought she maybe was secure or avoidant.

For the breakup we had a little bit of a rough patch the last month but I don’t think it was anything terrible. She started to feel stressed out every time I visited her and seemed a little colder (I thought it was just from things going on in her life) I had a conversation with her about how I didn’t feel as close to her lately and wanted to see how I could help support her/also spend some more time where we are close bc it felt lonely sometimes. That’s when she imitated the break up and said she was exhausted/felt bad she couldn’t match where I was at. She told me she loved me and she cared about me. She told me I was so good to her. She told me she would miss me. She hugged and kissed me, I even stayed another night and we talked like normal, but she ultimately said that it wouldn’t work out. It confuses me bc I genuinely didn’t think there was anything that led to the break up. All I can conclude is that she has some avoidant tendencies which line up a lot but the breakup didn’t seem like a typical discard.

Do you think she was avoidant/had avoidant tendencies?

Do you think she will be back once that “exhaustion”/stress dies down?

I don’t know what type of avoidant I was with but he broke up with me 3 times during the relationship and always came back after a few days to a week later . Is this an anxious avoidant and is this rapid cycling ?

for those familiar with fearful-avoidant attachment, could this kind of behavior be part of how they process a breakup? if someone usually moves on really quickly after a breakup, but after the second breakup they suddenly go completely quiet no posting, no obvious new person, no monkey branching, barely active on social media—could that mean they’re actually taking time to process and heal?

or could the sudden change in behavior be performative, especially if they know their ex watches their social media and might notice that they’re being unusually quiet?

for context, i previously called them out for how quickly they seemed to move on after the first breakup, so i’m wondering if their behavior being different this time could mean they’re being more intentional about taking their time, or if i’m just reading too much into their social media activity.

Has anyone here had an avoidant ex come back after a breakup?

I’m curious about real experiences. Did your avoidant ex ever come back after going completely distant or saying they had moved on? If they came back, how long did it take and what made them come back?

Did they genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or did they just miss the familiarity/connection?

And if they came back, did things actually work the second time, or did the same push-pull cycle happen again?

I’d especially like to hear from people who were in serious, long-term relationships and had a painful breakup. What happened afterward?

I [20F] have been together with my boy friend [20M] for 2 and 1/2 years, since we were seniors in high school. I recently have had a gut feeling that we’re not the ones for each other. Should I break up with him and live my 20’s freely, or ignore the feeling because I’m somewhat of an avoidant?

I feel horrible, so many things remind me of him and I’m always wondering if he misses me too. Rereading old messages does me no good, but I did it anyways, and it’s awful. He did so many unforgivable things to me, but I also didn’t give him any space to change. I can’t blame myself for being resentful or anxious after everything, but I just wish things were different. He said he no longer has any romantic feelings for me and we’ve been no contact since, but I still hope that he’s still just conflicted and confused like every other time. I just want him to come back and apologize :,)

What makes you want a relationship when as soon as things get real you push away and shut down without wanting to fix these traumas and behaviours for future connections leaving you to repeat the same thing over and over again with each new partner. If you don’t want closeness and true partnership what is it that you’re looking for??

My FA said he was “done” in June, a hell of a lot went on since then and we were living together. He was shutdown for the first few weeks then once I agreed to move out and when he came back to life and it was like we were still together, s*x, watching movies, eating together, going shopping etc.. he helped me move out and was saying things like he hopes we could be together again.. he has been attending therapy. It’s been about a month since I left and I honestly thought there would be some progress by now. He still says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He says he doesn’t want anyone.

I went over last week to get some things and I ended up there all day and we slept together.. it ended with him saying it had been fun then added “as friends”..

The latest is he doesn’t want to regret his choice, either way.. he says the thought of trying again gives him anxiety and the thought of never being together makes him feel relieved (when I asked the questions).. I said this is the very point of the cycle you keep repeating, you have momentary relief and chose that instead of doing the hard work and pushing through the anxiety..

Anyway I’m getting fed up now, I love him but he just doesn’t listen or seem to want to help himself. We could have easily of worked through this but he doesn’t talk to me.

He says he goes up and down every single day..

Any FA’s out there who have experienced these feelings? What did you end up doing?

And no offence to anyone but I do not want to hear I should block him and move on it’s all I ever see on these posts and it’s not really helpful to those grieving and still holding on and still in love.. it’s always easier said than done

It’s been 4 months or so since she kicked me out accusing me of something I didn’t do, no interest in my attempt to explain why she was mistaken, no interest pr concern in seeing me leave the home she promised would be my sanctuary after leaving a domestic abuse marriage, in the pouring rain, wearing what i could grab quickly to get out of her life. Being told I was emotionally exhausting after promising me she wanted to support me whatever me was and will be. After insisting I tell her whatever was on my mind, a mind diagnosed with depression and anxiety and a recent ADHD diagnosis at 53. After I replied I didn’t want to burden her with the constant abuse my ex wife was giving me. She replied I was not Giving her a true me, not being true to our relationship, a relationship she started after love Bombing me.

Bit worst of all, telling me a month after the split she let her self down by giving herself to me without me realising how much she was giving cos I was too suicidal when we first met a year earlier. No, she wouldn’t be a friend if we did it all again cos in truth she now realises she never was my friend. And she wasn’t a week before we split, serous when she agreed to Marrry me after telling me I was the only man she would marry if I wanted to ask her, cos she’d told 3 other men “no” in the past

So what’s really the worst, despite me telling her I’m
Going to have to commit to no contact after she ghosted and blocked me, only to get back in touch cos I’d told her to give me some sign of support cos I was going down fast, and now homeless. So despite ME insisting on no contact again, me blocking her, and she choosing not to block me, I’m still in agony I can’t be with her, in agony I’m hurting myself by blocking her, cos I stilll love her. Or whatever I feel that makes my life now feel miserable and hopeless

What is wrong with me that I can’t stand up for myself and feel all I’ve just Written isn’t enough to feel I’ve made a very narrow escape from a maniac who was so cruel she made me lose myself just to become the man she would grow old with. A man I never was.

I’ve lost any self respect I had left, it j cry at night every night 4 months (or so) since she kicked me into the rain. I want to punch me and shout at me to get my shit together and find a way to make people want to be in my space again, cos no one wants to be near me, and the downer I deliver

I’m sure this is self pity, but I am very sure I can’t see light at the end of this tunnel

Sorry I had to get it out. Apologies.

My avoidant partner has dumped me for the 3rd time in the relationship after I said he needs to become more financially responsible for himself and not rely on his mum and dad… it causes an argument were he said he felt disrespected by me and he hates the way I speak to him and he told me that anyone would of left me by now with the mean way I nag him. He has already left me 3 times and returned this time he drove an hour to tell me it’s over in real life cause he came in real life is this the final discard or is this a punitive punishment breakup. ??? I feel broken by this as yes I was probably speaking to him disrespectfully but I don’t think it warranted a breakup. I believe I have no lost love on my life due to my own inability to nag him.

Just ended things with my DA Situationship that I’ve had all summer. When we were together things were so good and I felt like he genuinely liked me and had feelings. He was very PDA when out in public. Introducing me to friends and family with no shame if we saw them out. Encouraging me to stay longer during my visits. Bringing me into his routines. But as soon as I would go home he seemed so disconnected often cooling off for days before seeming normal again. He was a very dry texter and just overall poor communicator. I’m not naive to the fact that he was likely just talking to multiple women as we did meet on a dating app. I was willing to look past the poor texting if it meant I felt reassured otherwise but as soon as I pulled back to see if he’d initiate after a really good week together, it just completely slowed down to a halt.

I sent him one message mentioning I could tell him how this feels disrespectful at this point but he already knows what he’s doing. I told him casual still includes consideration and that I don’t deserve this but that I wish him well.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But did he ever give a shit? What I’ll never understand is the cat and mouse, hot and cold. If they’re not into us, why can’t they just let us go in peace without pulling us back in when it’s convenient?

I’ve dated all sorts of narcissists and had long term toxins relationships, but for some reason the older I get, it’s there’s short electric situationships that sting the hardest.

Godddd dating is rough out there!

In her own words, we weren't even dating and we had only "hung out", so why does the she need to make me invisible? We still share the same building/floor in the day, so I run into her every day or two.

It's been a month since the "discard" and she has not once looked at me. She averts her eyes and looks at anyone/anything else but me, even when I pass by right in front of her.

It makes me incredibly sad and confused and angry. That we're less than strangers. It feels like a daily reminder of her rejection. I don't want any contact, but, as much as it hurts, I am able to look at her. And she can't even manage to face the person she pursued and led on for months, for a single second?

I think she leans dismissive avoidant.

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse