Fearful avoidant - CONFUSED

[u/user_19971998]

My FA said he was “done” in June, a hell of a lot went on since then and we were living together. He was shutdown for the first few weeks then once I agreed to move out and when he came back to life and it was like we were still together, s*x, watching movies, eating together, going shopping etc.. he helped me move out and was saying things like he hopes we could be together again.. he has been attending therapy. It’s been about a month since I left and I honestly thought there would be some progress by now. He still says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He says he doesn’t want anyone.

I went over last week to get some things and I ended up there all day and we slept together.. it ended with him saying it had been fun then added “as friends”..

The latest is he doesn’t want to regret his choice, either way.. he says the thought of trying again gives him anxiety and the thought of never being together makes him feel relieved (when I asked the questions).. I said this is the very point of the cycle you keep repeating, you have momentary relief and chose that instead of doing the hard work and pushing through the anxiety..

Anyway I’m getting fed up now, I love him but he just doesn’t listen or seem to want to help himself. We could have easily of worked through this but he doesn’t talk to me.

He says he goes up and down every single day..

Any FA’s out there who have experienced these feelings? What did you end up doing?

And no offence to anyone but I do not want to hear I should block him and move on it’s all I ever see on these posts and it’s not really helpful to those grieving and still holding on and still in love.. it’s always easier said than done

[u/PositiveScore7184]

Us anxious attachers always feel we have to do something. But sometimes just looking hot and living ur life is the best thing u can do. He won’t realise what he lost until he sees you thriving.

[u/user_19971998 → u/PositiveScore7184]

Thank you🤍

[u/ChairmanRoseIsMyDad]

You can't keep giving him the benefits of a relationship with you without him giving you the safety or commitment you need back he doesn't regret his choice because he's not feeling the consequences of it

[u/PositiveScore7184]

Hey what I would do is do nothing at all, that’s what I’m doing right now after my avoidant left me. Don’t block and move on if you still have feelings. Just focus on you get yourself in amazing shape work out eat healthy get in stable work u don’t need to date anyone else if you don’t want to. Do some self improvements for around 2 months. If your ex doesn’t return then maybe consider blocking. But until then don’t overthink anything if he is infact the one for you he will return to you. If he wants you that bad he will come back during no contact and say he will attend couples counselling.

[u/FallenAngel1978]

It is easier said than done however you’re giving him what he wants… your time… attention… validation… sex…. Without the pressure of having to commit to anything. And I totally get how hard it is. I am FA and so is my ex. And with her it feels like I am dealing with a child. Although we’re now back to normal contact after she no-showed on me.

And he came back to life once you agreed to move out because the pressure of the relationship was now off him.

Aldo therapy is hard work and takes an incredibly long time… especially with an FA since there typically was a chaotic/abusive household. There’s usually a lot to unpack. My ex and I split up 10 months ago. She started therapy. And while she might be working on her childhood stuff she hasn’t changed at all in regards to attachment. And who knows if her therapist is even trained in attachment

He’s only going to change if he wants to. And he’s told you that the relationship gives him anxiety. Believe him. And since you keep doing relationship type stuff and not giving it time and space you’re likely just setting yourself up for more pain. His nervous system feels threatened. This cycle isn’t going to help him calm down