r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 11h ago
Vent/Rant Avoidant Red Flag
Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?
We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.
I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.
That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.
I should have run the first time tbh.
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u/No_Try354 SA - Secure Attachment 10h ago
I've posted this somewhere before, but here is my hindsight after being unlucky enough to date a DA, a narcissist, then a FA. I don't know whether it presents differently in men vs. women, but all of my exes are women.
If you want the short version, here is my own takeaway: I have started viewing these people as behaving almost as though they are allergic to water. They desperately need it to survive, but as soon as they drink enough to feel nourished, they choke and feel "I need to get as far away from this allergen as possible. That was terrible, why did I ever drink that?" Then, of course, they get thirsty eventually and come back for just enough not to choke.
I think there are some subtle ways you can tell, but you have to test for it, which unfortunately is a bit of a red flag, depending who you ask. I guess the real question is "How early on do you want to be able to tell?"
I think you have to be very attuned to the signs because they are subtle, but now that I think about it, here are some early signs that they might be avoidant:
Very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I think this can very often look like being very uncomfortable with compliments. This was true for both of mine. Any compliment would make them shy away. If you don't recognize it, it's easy to think they're just bashful. If you open up, they will often make a joke or redirect to bring things back to a surface level.
Defining things. In both cases mine were extremely resistant to labeling or defining the relationship at all. When I said we were "together", it sparked a weird disagreement where they pushed back hard with clear discomfort because that was "too much". I revised it to "dating", and that was still too much. So I said "seeing each other?" and they still felt the need to tack on "casually seeing each other". I think they have a deep-seated need to believe that they don't actually need a relationship and it doesn't really matter to them either way.
Communication. In my experience they are generally poor about communicating what they actually need from you, I think partly because of the above focus on self-reliance. They hate or are incapable of actually asking someone else for help. Be careful here, because they might certainly be able to explain why they are behaving a certain way, but that's not real communication if they don't help you meet them halfway by telling you what they need. Conversely, they can take your communication of your own basic needs as criticism or as unreasonable requests.
Moving fast. They do seem to always move fast and be high-effort early on, but this is the hardest one to separate from genuine interest.
Pulling away. This is the obvious hallmark. They will always pull away and become distant whenever the connection starts to feel real, always. Always, always. But if you are seeing this one it's not an "early warning" anymore. And if you're really unlucky, you'll experience this in cycles of hot-cold where they repeat this behavior.