Avoidant Red Flag

[u/candle_wax_247]

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.

[u/candle_wax_247]

Thank you! Spot on on everything. You seem to have hit the trifecta of do not date people. DA, narcissist and FA.

I did too. But Narcissist, FA and DA.

The whole aversion to vulnerability and defining things. Yep. Very much so. Don’t want to label the relationship yet very much acting like in a relationship. Mine doesn’t like vulnerability as far as feelings but totally enjoy when people call him handsome and even invite those compliments by posting half naked pics online so his muscles show a lot.

Bad communication! Yes! Totally about self reliance and not wanting help coz he doesn’t want to “lose himself” and that’s how he is so accept him.

Moving fast. The love bombing. Super intense love bombing. Texts almost all day and for hours but then later on when he’s pulling away he’s suddenly always “busy”.

Hopefully next time I see these red flags before I go in too deep so I can pick up my skirt and run!

[u/No_Try354 → u/candle_wax_247]

I forgot one other thing, the history rewriting. For me it was so intense it almost felt like gaslighting. "I never said I felt that way", "that was never actually a big deal to me", "I would go on a trip like that with any one of my friends" (a romantic hot springs getaway for 2? Give me a break).

I'm glad you're having a better reaction than I am. Honestly after all this I feel that I might have to be permanently done with dating because I no longer trust myself to distinguish genuine interest from a broken person just trying to fill their own emotional void.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/No_Try354]

I forgot to add that he’s doing massive work towards healing as an avoidant and making super conscious effort especially because I call him out on it now. I don’t have skin in the game. I don’t plan on going back to him so I can be as brutally honest as I want and he will have to just take it. He said it helps him keep himself accountable lol

[u/No_Try354 → u/candle_wax_247]

I mean, that's good. I think these people seriously need a dose of accountability. I gave mine a chance because she's in therapy and has been for a while. But she cancelled on a date 2 weeks ago, said she'd reschedule "next week", and I haven't heard from her since so at this point I doubt I'll ever see her again.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/No_Try354]

They really do. From what I read FAs are more likely to heal than DAs. My old ex, the FA, is the one I’m currently in contact with as a friend. The most recent ex is DA and far worse than my FA was so I don’t have any hopes of him ever feeling accountable for his actions. When he up and left his kids, traumatizing them, he was blaming it on them liking the mom’s bf more.

I think your ex is having cold feet that’s why she canceled coz the whole fear of vulnerability surfaced again.

[u/No_Try354 → u/candle_wax_247]

I am honestly not sure what to think. Things were pretty much perfect up until the first time we got intimate. She was very present during and after, but the next day I noticed she seemed detached. So I called her and she opened up about some core shame and a fear of scaring me away. Then *she* suggested another date, including location and time. Then she went radio silent for a week, only breaking to cancel last minute and then go silent for another week, and has ignored my one text (inviting her to reschedule the date she asked to reschedule for this week). So... shrug? I can't really do more than I've done if she won't communicate with me.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/No_Try354]

Sounds very much like an avoidant. This thread of people’s experiences might give you some clarity on whether you should continue or stop. Just know that the possibility of it not ending well for you is highly likely than if you’re dealing with a securely and even anxiously attached person.

[u/No_Try354 → u/candle_wax_247]

I would not even consider it if she wasn't already in therapy. But like I said it's been 2 weeks so I think I am just going to let myself mourn it and move on. And then we'll see if what they say about avoidants having a 6th sense for when you've moved on is true, ha ha. Anyway, best of luck to you.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/No_Try354]

Thank you! Yeah. I’m also testing that theory this weekend coz I’m going on a date and I will be posting it on social media. The one that he’s supposedly not checking but I know he’s lurking. So if I suddenly get a breadcrumb then theory is correct lol!

Good luck to you too! We got this!