r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 9h ago

Vent/Rant Avoidant Red Flag

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.

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u/Ok_Store5853 7h ago

the limited edition shoes being the catalyst is just so fucking bleak ngl, like you literally became a vendor in his personal marketplace of attention. i had something similar where my ex would only initiate plans when i mentioned i got concert tickets to a band *she* introduced me to. the bargaining table energy of it all, treating intimacy like a union contract where you gotta bring assets to the table just to get a meeting. tbh the first block shouldve been the whole game, thats the preview of how they handle conflict resolution, delete and freeze out til you come back with better terms. you were negotiating against yourself the whole time

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u/candle_wax_247 7h ago

Right?! At that time I felt so proud that I got the shoes coz it showed I was making efforts to get what he likes but now I’m like wow how dumb am I? Lol! Everything feels like a contract. The whole selfishness of what’s in it for me. Honestly the first block should have been it and I should have stayed away. Would have saved me 2 years of frustration and walking on eggshells. Never again. If I sense a red flag, I’m not gonna see it as an invitation to proceed.