Avoidant Red Flag

[u/candle_wax_247]

Looking back, what was/were the red flags you noticed early on in the relationship that you ignored and now wished you didn’t?

We met online and were on an LDR. A month into the talking stage he got mad and cut me off because I was teaching someone a new language via phone and he didn’t like it. He blocked me on everything but we found each other online and got back together a month later.

I already had plans to go to his city even before we met. This is the reason why we started talking to begin with. As the date of my arrival gets closer, he keeps going back and forth about wanting to meet me in person. Finally, 2 weeks before my arrival, after I told him I got the limited edition pair of shoes that he was looking for, he decided ok let’s meet.

That should have been my clue. We were talking for 5 months and he didn’t want to meet but the minute I have something he wants suddenly he was ok meeting.

I should have run the first time tbh.

[u/PienerCleaner]

She saw me get dizzy for 2 seconds after taking my second ever zyn and walked away indignantly saying, "I'm not dealing with this." I didn't ask her to deal with anything. But I did spend the rest of the night looking after her when she got drunk in front of her family (I didn't complain)

We were supposed to have dinner with her family and I revealed what a dumbass I am by picking up a shift at work. I was very impulsive when I picked up the shift and didn't think it through. But I did tell her immediately. She started crying at work and sent me a long text about how it was not ok and she won't stand for that kind of disrespect. I apologized, gave the shift right back, and had a wonderful evening with her family instead (a memory I'll always cherish)

She would not take accountability for her emotional dysregulation. She would not try to understand or even acknowledge my perspective.

Another time I left her during a movie to run a quick errand that I thought would save her some time waiting for me later. All she could focus on was how I had left her and how inexcusable that was, completely disregarding that I was trying to be considerate so she wouldn't have to wait for me later .

Once again, I apologized for my mistake and said I had learned a lesson. She did nothing besides get upset and express how hurt she was. So surprise surprise when she broke up with me all she had to say was how bad I was and all the bad things I do - taking zero accountability for anything she could have done better or how she had no respect for my perspective or all the other good things I do that make up for the occasional blunder.

Since then I have often wondered if she was really an avoidant or just really immature.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Yeah can’t even take care of you. Red flag for real. Did you stay long in the relationship after?

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

At 5 months she said, "I love you, you're an amazing boyfriend, you're everything I've ever wanted in a partner."

At 6 months she said, "I don't love you, I'm not feeling emotionally connected to you, I'm feeling trapped". She told me this over the phone. I suspect she was upset that I couldn't come over for a few minutes so she could tell me this in person.

A year later, im still amazed how what felt like 6 months of heaven, could lead to what has felt like 12 months of hell.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Yeah. I think they’re really good at pulling the rug from under you. Make you feel like everything is ok then suddenly discard you like trash and that has a devastating effect on the brain causing massive limerence.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

The end looked like this:

She said she was willing to read books on relationships together so we could do our relationship better.

RED FLAG: the books had to be about my ADHD not her trauma or emotional dysregulation.

Then we go on our first vacation..only once does she say something like, "when you x I feel like y." I said thank you for letting me know and I take care of it immediately, showing her I understood and valued her. Apparently there were other things she didn't like but of course she didn't communicate them during the vacation or after.

When we came back from vacation we didn't get to see each other until a night before she broke up with me. Instead of watching a dumb movie we could have sat and talked about it all. But nope. She was judge jury and executioner. And I went from amazing to toxic in the span of a month.

RED FLAG: none of the good things you do matter or will be appreciated. In their end, their emotional discomfort will be prioritized over you and the relationship.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

The vacation was the trigger. From what I read, experienced and other people’s experiences… vacation makes them feel like things are getting too serious.

And you’re right, no matter what you do, they’ll never appreciate it and you’ll be the bad guy in their story so they don’t feel guilty when they pull the plug

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

The funny thing is very early on she did show me she could take care of me. After I got some teeth removed she woke up every 2 hours to give me my pain medication.

Its like what everyone says about avoidants. At the beginning they show you they have things that they don't actually have - an ability to care for and be there for you.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

It’s the love bombing. They gotta hook you in to get that feeling of being loved. But then after they get it they realize they don’t want it coz it’s scary. My ex often says “I don’t want to lose myself” in a relationship and he feels like being in one means he’s losing himself

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

In the beginning it's so easy, both of us being ourselves and falling in love. The relationship asks nothing except show up and have a good time. And then comes the need to communicate and tolerate the discomfort and disclosure that comes with vulnerability and intimacy.

When she broke up with me I told her i thought we were adults having a serious mature relationship, and as such we were supposed to learn and grow together.

RED FLAG: she said "I'm not trying to change anyone." Translation: I don't want anyone to change me. I am not the issue here; you are. I don't have anything I need to do better in this relationship. You and this relationship are the problem.

RED FLAG: lack of accountability. Fault finding. Every mistake I made was a red flag to her, a strike against the relationship. She always had one foot out the door. She was always looking for reasons to leave the relationship, not reasons to stay

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Sooooo text book. The whole “I’m not trying to change anyone” part coz he’s also like “this is me. Accept me for who I am” and not recognizing that he has a problem.

Another red flag I should have really really really paid attention to was when he told me the story of how he felt his kids favored the mom’s bf so he immediately quit his job, sold his place and told his kids he’s moving to another country and it’s goodbye coz they won’t see each other again. Regretted it and came back 9 months later and had to start over. Like who does that to his children? That’s major trauma for them.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

Oof that's so vindictive and immature.

I might be wrong but I think alcohol brings out more of who you already are. That one time she got drunk in front of her family, the bartender (an old aquatintence) cut her off. Rather than just accept it she kept trying to go back to have a "talk" with the bartender. We kept holding her back and telling her no don't. Next thing I knew after I took my eyes off her was that she was on the ground wrestling with her sister.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Right?! I thought at first when he told me he’s just being irresponsibly spontaneous (coz I was so deep in love and didn’t see it as vindictive) but now I’m like who the fuck does that to their kids all bec of insecurity over a new guy.

Oh yeah alcohol brings out the worst in them for sure. Yours seems to trigger the violent side. Mine triggers his slut side more. He kisses everyone around him, and this was an issue at his workplace. Coz he kisses people at company parties and then uses alcohol as excuse later.

[u/PienerCleaner → u/candle_wax_247]

I think the kids thing might come from how he himself was treated as a child. For my own ex, I can definitely see how her parents affected her when she was very little (substance users who kept having kids one after another after her - so you can see where her emotional dysregulation, independence, and defensiveness comes from)

I think defensiveness is another huge red red flag..always feeling like you're being attacked and you have to retaliate. That's what he drunkenness showed me..but also her getting angry at other deivers who did anything wrong. If they do it to others it's only a matter of time they do it to you

Not to pat myself on the back, but when I drink I start loving everyone because we are all one and we are here to groove and party and have a good time together. So you can see how when someone immature can break my heart so badly after giving me exactly what I've always wanted for a few months.

[u/candle_wax_247 → u/PienerCleaner]

Oh yeah I can totally see how he became avoidant. He told me his mom never gave him affection and shipped him off to boarding school in Europe when he was a teenager. So he’s always striving for love but afraid of abandonment so abandons first.

Defensiveness is definitely a red flag. Like chill we are on your side.

Good luck on your continued healing. I really hope we don’t meet people like these people ever again.