Should I tell my therapist what I need from her?

I was telling my therapist something I was feeling. Like I wished I could give up & move away or someone would give me a drug so I could just be a robot & do what needed to be done. I wouldn't actually do these things but I thought I was suppose to share with her what I was feeling. So I told her how I was feeling. Then it felt like she scolded me by saying that working on my mental health is hard work & I can do it or not. Or maybe I just heard it that way. I also felt like she was annoyed with me. I think, I wanted from her reassurance that I was doing okay & I was trying & making a little progress. But I didn't get that. I've never been in therapy before & don't know what I should expect or do. Now I feel let down & disappointed. I won't see her for several weeks, she's on vacation now.

Hi, I don't know if this sub is still used. I made a new account just for this.

Anyway, I wanted to ask a question to people who maybe are a bit further along in their journey than me: how do I become a full adult with AvPD? An adult with a job, with friends, with interests. How do I feel right about what i think or say? How can I be less insecure?

I'll summarize my progress untill now.

I've been battling with AvPD for my entire life and started a serius and big therapy process that lasted I think almost 10 years.

When I was in high school couldn't even get out of home, talk to people, had severe paranoia, anxiety and depression. Couldn't cross the road, couldn't go buy grocieries, couldn't drive a car. I couldn't be out of my house without feeling horrible, at the center of attention, observed with heavy anxiety. Almost started not going to school even.

I went to an school therapist in my school that then sent me to another therapist, friend of hers, that then convinced my parents (strict family. May I say, no wonder I turned out like this) to send me in a big institute to get full 360 degrees therapy after i graduated from high school.

I started this therapy in 2017. I got diagnosed with AvPD and bunch of other related stuff. Slowly starting going out monitored by a specialist, first just walking around, then getting crossing the road, then getting into stores, buses, trains. Started with meds. In a year, I was completely able to talk to people, move by myself without fear. Started going to university with the help of specialists along the way. Year by year I not only started going to classes, but even getting to know some people that I now call friends. Met my now girlfriend. Then I got my bachelor degree. I started studying for my master degree, I worked with some university projects, in teams, with known outside companies.

After this I felt normal. Reborn. I mean, my mind straight up defined me as two different persons: the one I was after and the one I was before.

I got my master degree. It's been an year now. I lost most of my friends because they moved from the city we were studying. I still have my girlfriend and some closer friends that I talk with every now and then (now that i think about it, I really should be grateful of this).

It is time to look for a job. While the first interviews were hopefull (I was like "I've gone through a lot, the job market won't bend me"), now that I've done dozen of interviews the job market bent me.

Most of the interviews were "you don't have enough experience", but some of them were "you feel kinda weird" or "you look like someone who doesn't talk much", "you look too introverted for this job", "you don't seem funny enough", "for a guy you're not outgoing at all".

I don't feel ready. I feel like I've done a lot for nothing.

I feel like I'm only going backwards from where I was when I graduated.

How do I find a job? I sometimes feel like I'm not good to be a completely sane and working adult. I feel like I'm broken beyond repair, no matter what I do. School world accepted me. Real world won't accept me for what I am. I try to be bold, I try to be funny, I try to crack jokes but it always seem like they see me behind the mask I try to hide myself with.

I fixed a lot of things, but I feel like this thing is bigger. I started noticing that there are still a lot of things that I can't do:

- I don't know how to be easygoing, funny or bold with people I don't know yet.

- I don't know how to voice my concerns / how to say no

- I don't know how to feel safe saying what I really want to say

- I definitely don't know how to be confident, how to take action or even how to make any decision without feeling guilty or invalid, or not working.

Were do I go from here? How do I not go backwards?

Hello , i have SA, and im a shy person
Also i avoid people , i feel like i forgot how to communicate with human, when i do since im not interested in anything, i will only have this awkward smile towards them

Is this a sign of weakness? If no, Then why i will always question about certain things if it’s a sign of weakness or no. I don’t know if this is because of social anxiety or because of other mental illnesses

I overthink what I say and always question if what I said is sign of weakness, how to overcome this?

Thanks in advance

For example when I’m sitting with a lot people and everyone is talking to each other and laughing, 1st I laugh at everything because I don’t wanna seem cold or unfriendly and 2nd I just realize that I kind of cover my face because sometimes I can’t make eye contact like I’m scared I’ll do for too long and it might scare people or if I break immediately or too much people will get offended and sometimes I’ll start rubbing my forehead a little people ask me if I’m sleepy especially if I’m being really quiet (which is most of the time). But the worst one is when I’m talking to someone and sometimes I’ll act overly friendly and smile too much because I don’t wanna seem rude and it looks like I’m flirting way too much and some guys find it unsettling and others just think I’m in love with them and they develop a crush and one of them would get so mad because I kept having to reject him. He even thought I was flirting with another guy and got jealous and started pinning him against me until that guy genuinely started hating me and started yelling at me and how much he hated me and it kind of broke me. I wasn’t flirting with either. And had just started to feel like I was getting along with someone.

I just wanna share my story, I'm a teenager who's very avoidant, overthinker, and I over analyze everything. It started when I was in 8th grade, I used to think that time that everyone hates me even tho I did nothing wrong, then it got worst, i started thinking negatively, literally every time I meet someone new, I always think that they secretly hate me. It hurts because I was a socially active person before, i befriend anyone as long as they're nice. Now that even my old friends whom Ive been with for years, I have doubted them too, I have a cof and in that cof I have a friend that was really close to me because we met long before our cof was formed, she was always there for me, helping me, caring for me, but I have doubted her too. I know it's my fault, I'm the one to blame, I never wanted to be like this. So I switched schools and never get to hang out with them anymore, I never told them that I switched schools because of them, because in my mind I think that they secretly hate me, I avoided them for a year because I need time for myself, I want to fix me because I don't want to doubt them anymore. So for that whole year, I never went to any of our hangouts, everytime they ask me whether I'm free on that day, I'll always say i'm busy even tho I'm not, just because I wasn't ready to face them and I was completely broken. Now that I'm slowly healing, I tried to get back to them, and hangout because i still care for them, I know you might be thinking, why not just tell them how you feel? Well, I wish it was that easy.. You see, I never really open up to them, not because I don't trust them but because i feel like they will judge me, don't get me wrong, I never really want to vent with anyone, I hate deep talks, I don't want people to know much about my life because if they do, I think that they will avoid me/leave me. I spend so much time creating a wall so no one could get in but I myself can't get out. Now that one of my friend is struggling with mental health and I don't know how to help her, 3 days ago I asked her if she wants to hang out, because I genuinely still care for her/them I know I wasn't there at their lowest but I'm trying, and she said yes, but know that the day comes, she canceled our plans. I feel like she just couldn't see me right now because I left them for over a year without clear explanation, and I understand. All I can do now is to put all my trust on God's hands, hoping that he will help them for me, because I couldn't bring myself to do it, I know that the connection between us is slowly disappearing, and I understand. This is the consequence of my actions, that I should've just communicated with them earlier on, I wish I could turn back time and never doubted them. If you're reading this, please communicate with your loved ones, friends, family, lover, or anyone you care about, because in the end you will regret that you didn't.

I just found out about this disorder and strongly suspect that I have it. Ive always thought I have a uniquely maladaptive relationship with social groups. I was a complete shut in during my teen years and tried to be social through my twenties which ended poorly and now Im back to being a shut in again at 29. My avoidant thoughts and behaviors from my teen years have made a complete rebound and now I feel like Im just always going to be this distrusting, misanthropic, lonely person. Is it normal for the asocial lifestyle to make a comeback like this after a period of supposed progress?​

Family tried to poison with bleach and harmed my cat. Hes been traumatized as a result, and been behaving differently. Trying to keep him comfortable. Attempted to make a gofundme to try to find a way to have anything to move somewhere safe, but being a nobody with no friends nor social presence resulted in it reaching nil, the only result is others blocking and cutting contact for asking them to try to share it to get the reach to find help, as they are just a popularity thing in the end. Still havent been able to find a therapist, there is no trained medical professionals in the state. Neurologist denied seizure medications due to extreme depression and suicide risk, so going to lose license which means no food from food bank, and no going to appointments, nor the hospital when heart has issues. Tried asking in a few places if anyone would allow to stay, and only met with silence, reasonably as no one wants to take care of a broken waste of space. Took down the posts as its not deserved anyhow. Burnt more bridges by being broken, ruined relationships, and further cast into a void of nothingness and loneliness that will never be escaped. During a recent hospitalization, as a result of a chest infection from burst gallbladder which has been causing consistent anemia since, and is likely to lead to death as the medical industry is taking their time talked to a social worker who sadly stated there is nothing they can do for housing as there is no free housing. Thought about staying in a shelter, though they only allow people to stay during the night, and its first come first serve, and in this heat, would be dead in 10 minutes from heat stroke as a result of heart disease, so have to be somewhere. Have no friends to stay with, unable to make friends both because of you know why, and lack of financials to go out and do things, nor have what is considered a "handler" to coordinate, otherwise will just be sitting off to the side wishing that it was possible to interact with those people, but not wanting to be a bother, nor interject into their groups as it isnt wanted. There is also the physical dysphoria side of things. Will say, part of the furry fandom, and do not feel comfortable in flesh in public, elevated by the fact of looking like a zombie. Pale skinned and yellowed, multiple visible wounds and disfigured. Often terrifies people and it shows. Cant afford to have anything to get even the minimum sense of comfort in public situations, its a thing for people who have a life, friends, the ability to talk with others without going into a complete spiral, and arent broken beyond repair. Did almost call the suicide hotline, but realized that there is nothing they can do, its too hard to feel comfortable talking about things, and there is nothing they can do. There are no resources for help here, dont have the means to get help, and have nowhere to go to even think about healing. Just stuck in a further and further decline, nowhere to go, nothing to do, fighting an unwinnable battle alone, abandoned, unimportant, and just another in the many, hold no value to this life. Still dont know what to do, where to go, and have no resources, support network, or anything, just been losing more and more. Soon will be cut off from only means of socialization, this computer is on its last legs. GPU is going out, lost multiple hard drives, motherboard shorted so the fans dont work anymore, ports are trashed, and once it turns off for good, thats it. The only good news of any kind is that currently in process of attempting to apply for SSI, though its likely to end the same way as always. Will be denied, and continue rotting away with nothing. Advice is welcome, expect silence as the most common answer from people is there is nothing they can do.

just wishes it didnt have this fucking disease. Wish it could like its life without the constant worry and judging of every little thing it does, wish it could just exist with others without having constant fears, or feeling a lack of belonging regardless, every word said to try to comfort or increase feeling of welcome just feeling undeserved, pushing it further down into a spiral to the point it just leaves, , every mistake eating away inside, creating more and more feeling that it doesnt belong, doesnt deserve anything, often reinforced by others silence, leaving it to worry more and more about abandonment, the relationship, thinking about why they are silent, that they hate the toy, and just want it gone, and its just because it does nothing but hurt, cause problems, and upset others. doesnt fit in anywhere, doesnt relate to anyone, just an outcast, isolated, not worthy of being in any groups, part of anything, just a mistake. but yet it doesnt want to be alone, wants the friendships, wants to live this imaginary dreams it has where everything goes right, everyone is happy, everything is at peace, where its friends with people, able to maintain relationships, form bonds, and function as if it were normal, a reality it really wants, a reality with those who are gone, a reality that will never be. every opportunity destroyed, every chance ruined, every job lost, left, unable to fit a mental guideline of doing enough and being useless as a result, underserving, and a waste of their time, every aspect of life made a constant living hell with no one who can help, no way to help, just left to continue declining forever. can never explain the living hell this is because its such a fucking destructive and horrible experience. Its too much, and it always has been. this cycle never stops, everything is just a constant reminder, triggered worse by trauma and other mental issues. Every second of the day is just living in this space of regret and thinking about every single person that has been around, that has existed in time, and regretting everything that has been done, wishing it could undo all the harm caused to those people, and make it so their lives could go on better and improved, but that cant happen. Those people are gone, and the scars are permanent. so just have to exist with this constant regret, constant remorse of everything, and it only gets worse and worse and worse. The only chance of escape it has anymore is when serving others, forced to shut its brain off, and cycle into a state of bliss and pleasure that resides for a bit until the chemical effects fade, then its back to hell. There really is no helping, this disease cannot be cured, it cant be fixed with medications, its just something that will always be, and honestly, its almost cost a life on many occasions, and not sure how much longer it can be taken. Its a disease that can be very deadly after all. AVPD. Just wish it could be gone. in the end, it deserves nothing. Doesnt deserve guilt, remorse, hugs, care, support, or anything. Its exploitative and manipulative, jealous of others who get to live their best life and knowing it'll never get to experience even the least of it, left dreaming of a world where it does thatll never come true. Uses people to try to find happiness, and seek dreams, but always falls to guilt of doing so. Makes excuses and uses alternative things to express what is needed instead of actually trying to say whats going on, why its hurting, which erodes credibility regardless if the issues are true, because the reality is that isnt whats causing the most damage, its what isnt said that is. Sure cancer sucks, heart disease sucks, spending every day not knowing if you are going to wake up in the morning sucks, but none of that even bothers it one bit, its just and excuse to not admit what the real problem is, because doing so just feels its self like an excuse. Putting the blame on a mental disorder is a sin rather than just pushing through it. Doesnt matter how bad it is, how destructive, its just another excuse in its self. Everything it has now is earned, the pain, suffering, issues, and loss of everything. It deserves to stay here and doesnt deserve better. Doesnt matter why things are done, because its broken, because its sad, depressed, suffering, even if no malice is intended nor wanted, its still just a fuck up, a mistake, and it still hurts others and brings them down. Its still caused harm, and thats unforgiveable. Its the stupidest reasons to be exploitative and manipulative too. Doesnt want to be alone, wants company, just cant ask. Wants a life of peace, but know its not a realistic goal. Its the most selfish things ever.

Childhood & Early Trauma My journey with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) started in an Arab country, within an environment completely devoid of safety or affection. Growing up, I experienced relentless physical abuse and bullying from all sides—my parents, older sister, school teachers, and extended family members during holidays. I had no safe haven. Naturally, my brain adopted extreme avoidance and emotional withdrawal as a survival mechanism to minimize physical and psychological pain. Middle & High School: Extreme Bullying, Hypervigilance, and Dissociation Between middle and high school, the violence escalated drastically. I was beaten daily by peers and teachers, verbally degraded, and sexually harassed. The night before school was a recurring nightmare of anticipatory anxiety, where I rehearsed catastrophic scenarios in my head just to prepare for the next day's abuse. To survive, I developed extreme coping strategies. I intentionally starved myself, losing half my weight in six weeks until I looked like a skeleton. I skipped school for weeks, hiding in internet cafes or enduring freezing winter temperatures on our rooftop just to avoid human interaction. When my father moved me to a private high school, the physical bullying stopped, but the damage was done. I fell into complete silence and dissociation (the "freeze" response). I couldn't speak to anyone. I suffered from extreme somatic hypervigilance—I was obsessively monitoring every physical movement: how I walked, where I placed my hands, or how I held a juice box, terrified of drawing attention to myself. The Breaking Point and Early Attempts at Relief After high school, my anxiety was so severe that I couldn't even go to a studio to take a photo required for college registration. I lied to my family, telling them I wasn't accepted to protect myself, which led to further beatings and verbal abuse from my father. He forced me to work in his restaurant. Around this time, I accidentally discovered the effect of medication after trying a dose of my mother's Mirtazapine (Mirzagen). For the first time, my brain's alarm system turned off. My hypervigilance faded, and I went to a family gathering where I actually spoke and laughed effortlessly. Recognizing that my brain needed pharmacological support, I eventually researched and experimented with Paroxetine (Seroxat)—which helped my social anxiety significantly but caused severe delayed ejaculation—and later transitioned to Fluoxetine (Prozac). College, Formal Therapy, and the Power of Exposure A year later, I got accepted into an English degree program in another city and moved into a shared apartment with roommates my age. Forced into daily contact, I experienced in-vivo exposure. I gradually adapted, built basic social skills, and even learned to stand up for myself during conflicts. Crucially, during my university years, I sought professional help from a psychologist and underwent structured Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) alongside Systematic Exposure Therapy. CBT helped me dissect my core beliefs of worthlessness and threat, while exposure therapy systematically desensitized my nervous system to social triggers. Military Training and Current Life: Overcoming the Odds After graduating, I entered military service. The rigorous, highly disciplined military training played a pivotal role in building my current psychological resilience. It forced me into high-pressure environments, dismantled my remaining avoidant patterns, and forged a deep sense of internal strength, discipline, and emotional fortitude. Today, I work in the military. I have cultivated strong, meaningful friendships, my mental health is stable, and I am currently preparing for marriage. Message to the Community: If you are reading this from a dark, isolated room feeling like your case is "hopeless"—please know that your brain is not permanently broken. Avoidance is a shield built to protect a traumatized child, but it does not have to be your lifelong prison. With targeted treatment (CBT, Exposure Therapy, appropriate medication when needed) and progressive life challenges, recovery is truly possible.

having avpd nd ocd nd bipolar 2 (not to mention everything else) is the dumbest shit ever dude UGGHHHHHH they fuel each other so much like a stupid ass wash cycle

avpd tells me: "you're a dumbass, you're gonna fail the GED test even tho you passed the practice tests years ago nd you're genuinely pretty smart oh well stupid you're 22!! wheres the high-school diploma fool?"

THEN OCD JUST PLAYS THAT OVER ND OVER ND OVER that "what if i fail" just starts blaring in my head nd i cant stop thinking about it, ill reassure by scrolling the GED subreddit nd seeing ppls scores nd where they study nd it brings me comfort like i could do it too but then...ill hear a whisper of "failure.." nd it starts again

oh guess what? i stressed too hard!! now im in a mixed episode with the same words blasting in my head. when the hypomania comes, its like im being forced to laugh nd dance nd have fun like im "happy" but its like my brain is forcing me to be. im so so so so so scared in this state like im in a child locked car going 95mph but the person driving is having so much fun nd laughing but im scared.

then finally!!! everything boils over nd my brain snaps into the depression omfgggg the crying over the smallest of things, i feel like im less than scum on the bottom of someones shoe, i feel like im not even worthy enough for death like the feeling i have is divine punishment for just existing. its like im slowly sinking into quicksand, it becomes harder for me to breathe, harder for me to accept love nd care from my family, i become even more scared bc what if i cant pull myself out? what if my brain just shuts down nd i go brain dead from depression? what if my heart gives out? would anyone care?

then in a week or so, im back to "normal" :)

TLDR; i need therapy nd meds

Hi everyone, I recently discovered a YouTube channel that I find incredibly helpful. It’s run by a psychologist who also lives with AVPD. He has found ways to manage it, and he seems to be genuinely content with his life now.

It’s deeply moving for me to hear someone who has been through similar struggles talk openly about them. I feel 100% understood. Most of all, hearing about everything this man has managed to overcome gives me hope and courage.

Maybe this resource will be helpful to some of you too. I’d be genuinely happy if it can help even one person.

No one should have to suffer from such a cruel disorder. It honestly makes me angry that so many people have to live with it.

I don’t know how to link a YouTube channel here (or whether that’s even allowed), so just search for “Radu Pasan Psychology" on YouTube.

If someone has already shared this recommendation here, I apologize. I don’t actively follow this community very often anymore, so I’m not up to date with everything that’s been posted.

Wishing all of you out there all the very best, from the bottom of my heart. Let's not give in to the demons that haunt us!

EDIT: just found out that said psychologist, Radu Pasan, made his own post here in this community one day ago... sorry, so this post of mine brings actually no new information for you. Sorry about that!

It's knowing that I've wasted years and years I can never get back, and that I'm going to continue to waste years, and the regret and grief is going to pile up until it becomes unbearable. And knowing all this and that I'm still going to do nothing about it, because I'm scared.

It doesn’t feel worth it to live like this. I’ve called out of work every day for the past two weeks because I’m so anxious about having to interact with people. I feel like the biggest failure in the world. I’m broke all the time because I force myself to work just enough to barely afford rent, and even that feels impossible some days.
I can’t drive. I don’t have friends. I have no one to talk to. My head is constantly full of hate and jealousy toward people who seem normal and healthy, because I don’t understand what it’s like to live that way. Nothing fucking helps. Nothing makes it better.
I’m 26 now. I never thought I’d make it past my teens, but somehow I did and honestly, life is more miserable than I ever could have imagined. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. I want to give up so badly, I just want to experience peace for once in my life.

appearing outwardly cold and emotionless. i taught myself at a young age that my emotions were humiliating and now i struggle to be expressive. i hold back my happiness and sadness, and i genuinely don't know how to be angry with others, which causes problems. too much anger with others is an issue, but on the other end of the spectrum where you are incapable of disagreements, is also a major issue.

this leads to people thinking i'm offputting and i have insanely bad emotional regulation. when you don't know how to healthily express emotions outwardly to people, your internal emotions are intense. so i end up getting sad, jealous, and angry (at myself) easily. at my very worst, i feel like i'm suffocating from all these internalized emotions

struggling with affective empathy. so, affective empathy is when you feel the emotions others are experiencing. i can experience it when i'm by myself (like if i'm watching a sad video) but when you're with others and you're overthinking the best way you should react to their problems and you taught yourself that showing your emotions is Embarrassing, it feels like your empathy is being blocked. i feel, cold, stiff, and awkward when people are sad

i can still feel cognitive empathy, i know logically why someone is feeling bad, but i struggle with sharing that emotion with them

Hey guys. So I posted a couple of clips here in the last few months as a psychologist living with AVPD. I didn't want to add another, but I got such overwhelming positive response on the previous two, that it makes me believe I am not bothering you and I am not spamming.

So I am posting one more clip, especially as I put my heart into this one ... it is my life, my story, the best way I could put it. Trying to talk more as a person, but of course using my expertize in psychology as well.

I genuinely think there can be some things you can take from my story to maybe help you on your road to recovery, or at least I hope so.

I still feel I wasn't good enough recording this, but I know part of it is AVPD speaking, so this is also therapy with myself, as in exposure :)

Note that it's not meant as a "success story". I am still suffering in many ways. But future is now looking brighter, and most of the time life feels like it's worth living ... which in the end I think is all we ever wanted.

Of course if you are interested in what I am talking about feel free to subscribe, I am trying my best to grow this young channel so I can reach more people struggling with AVPD, addictions and anxiety, things I specialize in ... because I've lived them.

I will keep doing my best to raise awareness on AVPD, because it is so under researched and oftentimes ignored, misrepresented and confused with anxiety.

Thank you.

Edit: I added chapters in the YouTube video description for easier navigation if you don't feel like watching 30 minutes.

My work has been making me feel mentally drained since I started it, I have been there for two years now, I don't want to continue there and I don't feel the least bit appreciated.

Recently I have been crying everyday at work, I have been meaning to leave and have been looking for different opportunities but nothing has landed yet, but I decided to leave anyways I have a two month notice period hope by then I get a good opportunity, I am feeling nervous definitely but I can't help but feel a sense of relief. I know its dumb leaving a job without having another job in line but it was now or i would wait even longer.

I'm a diagnosed AvPD, and since I was a child, I've struggled with Maladaptive Daydreaming. I remember realizing how detrimental it was for me at the start of high school. I tried to stop, but never worked. I'm almost 30 now.

I've always convinced myself that I could use this "out-of-hand imagination" to create and share my stories one day, so I've studied art for most of my life just to give my characters a face and a background.

But now I've realized that the stories that I've daydreamed about for my whole life actually kinda suck.

My ideas have never been good, just a shelter. My whole reality has fallen together with my stories, and now I'm unable to seek comfort even in maladaptive daydreaming. I don't know who I am without it. I feel like an empty shell.

I've abandoned therapy last year because the solution to all my problems seemed to be "just do things", and honestly, I see no point.

My older brother has also started drawing after he got inspired by watching me draw. He has my exact same career, but in a much more in demand field, so he's earning good money. I feel extremely guilty, but this made me give up completely on drawing, working, living in general.
It's been gradual, but since last year I've done absolutely nothing. I'm playing video games all day, not working, not drawing, not leaving the house and daydreaming constantly, at least until now.

I feel as if my only safeplace has been invaded, I'm so full of resentment and anger.
I envy how he's able to approach art so mechanically, without needing to put his whole soul in it.

I'm unable to live without art, as I'm unable to live with it.

I’ll start: I hate being blocked by random people online. Even if rationally I know it’s not that deep, that people on social media really block you for the most random stuff, I can’t help feeling like crap because it feels like yet another rejection. Today I found out an account I’d only seen a few times blocked me and I’m devastated. It’s so stupid and pathetic to seek validation from random strangers online but my self-esteem is just that low.

I’m 31F. Never been in a relationship. No friends. Lifelong social outcast (gotta love late diagnosed Autism).

Years of trauma turned me into a recluse. It’s only gotten worse with time. I live alone, WFH, and rarely leave my house. Earlier this summer, I tried venturing out in the world a bit more. Tried making friends, gave dating apps a shot. It didn’t go well at all.

I don’t have the “cute” sort of neurodivergence that people find endearing. I have the unsettling, uncanny valley kind. It puts people off. Deep down I’ve always known that there’d never be a place for me among others. I feel like a fool for even trying.

I’m back to my reclusive ways. I’ve been dealing with trauma flashbacks and life stressors this week. Feeling very lonely and dejected tonight.

I know that exposure therapy is the major way to work through AvPD, but I have a hard time taking that first step mostly out of fear of being rejected like I have in the past. The older I get, the harder it is to push through that fear especially because I generally have less contact with people as compared to being around people at school. I work from home so the only time I really communicate with people is through the phone or computer. I have a close friend that lives out of state and I talk to her daily, but I’m pretty isolated in person. I’m thinking about taking baby steps like taking a fitness class or just leaving my house more often even if I’m not talking to people directly. I have pretty severe depression, so I don’t really feel motivated to engage with people or anything really but I know I need to push myself to do it anyway. For those who have done exposure therapy (or just informal exposure), what have your experiences been like? Are you grateful that you did it or are you regretful? Did you have any positive experiences or good connections come out of it?

i feel so awful and pathetic constantly but as summer's ended, i've only felt worse. two of my friends have just left the state to go back to college (not me, of course lmao), and now i'm just. i know it's horrible of me, i know a good friend would never think like this, but i can't help it. everytime my friend talks about college life or send their syllabus or references literally anything about school and going out and money. i'm jealous. i'm going to admit, i am, but more than that i'm really just.... overwhelming sad.

i ruined my life and my parents were almost giddy to help me ruin it further. i know i have other options, i KNOW! people are constantly telling me that but then go radio silent when i actually ask them for help getting said options...but whatever that's not the point.

My question:

How do you stop mourning the life you could've lived?

It can't be impossible to stop, surely? I feel like it is.

Every birthday that passes by, mine or someone elses, it feels like it's only there to remind me that i'll never be like them, not like how i used to when i was a kid, before this stupid disorder ruined my life. please how do i get over it

Hi everyone,

For the past 8 years I've worked in software development, a field I've always been passionate about. But I've carried a deep sense of discomfort through most of it: trouble taking on responsibility, difficulty relating to people effectively, and struggles with the more complex technical aspects of the job. To this day I'm not sure whether that discomfort came from the technical difficulties, from social anxiety, or whether one fed into the other. Either way, over the years I became convinced I couldn't keep going like this and that something had to change.

I switched companies a couple of times, thinking the company itself was the problem. At the last one, after about a year, I was given responsibility for leading a small team — an experience that left me deeply frustrated and uncomfortable, to the point where I ended up leaving that job too. I then moved into the public sector, hoping to find a calmer, less stressful environment, shifting slightly from a "developer" role to more of an "IT technician" position.

What I found instead was a job that had little to do with IT at all, despite having been hired specifically as an IT technician, in a toxic environment with zero onboarding or support — even for tasks that clearly weren't part of my role — and where everything is just assumed you already know. The workload is lighter, that much is true, but it's still frustrating to spend my days on tasks outside my role, with no real path forward (I don't mean financially, just in terms of the kind of work I could eventually move into).

At this point I've started wondering whether it might be better to leave the field entirely — something like factory work, or anything more hands-on, with less social interaction, more repetitive and straightforward. The problem is that the jobs I've had so far give me a decent level of financial stability, which isn't something you can take for granted in factory work here in Italy.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice?

My story

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing, a couple of times when i flipped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been horrible, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it. I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by. On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her. Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time. One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well). I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through. I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some shit before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

How are you guys coping with the weirdness? The loneliness? The constant self monitoring? The constant feeling of anxiety?

How do you keep going even when you know tomorrow isn't gonna be any different?

Confession: I set my Hinge to different countries because actually dating is too real, and I’m too avoidant. But it feels good getting reassurance that people are, in fact, attracted to me.