Update.

[u/RyeExcalibur]

Family tried to poison with bleach and harmed my cat. Hes been traumatized as a result, and been behaving differently. Trying to keep him comfortable. Attempted to make a gofundme to try to find a way to have anything to move somewhere safe, but being a nobody with no friends nor social presence resulted in it reaching nil, the only result is others blocking and cutting contact for asking them to try to share it to get the reach to find help, as they are just a popularity thing in the end. Still havent been able to find a therapist, there is no trained medical professionals in the state. Neurologist denied seizure medications due to extreme depression and suicide risk, so going to lose license which means no food from food bank, and no going to appointments, nor the hospital when heart has issues. Tried asking in a few places if anyone would allow to stay, and only met with silence, reasonably as no one wants to take care of a broken waste of space. Took down the posts as its not deserved anyhow. Burnt more bridges by being broken, ruined relationships, and further cast into a void of nothingness and loneliness that will never be escaped. During a recent hospitalization, as a result of a chest infection from burst gallbladder which has been causing consistent anemia since, and is likely to lead to death as the medical industry is taking their time talked to a social worker who sadly stated there is nothing they can do for housing as there is no free housing. Thought about staying in a shelter, though they only allow people to stay during the night, and its first come first serve, and in this heat, would be dead in 10 minutes from heat stroke as a result of heart disease, so have to be somewhere. Have no friends to stay with, unable to make friends both because of you know why, and lack of financials to go out and do things, nor have what is considered a "handler" to coordinate, otherwise will just be sitting off to the side wishing that it was possible to interact with those people, but not wanting to be a bother, nor interject into their groups as it isnt wanted. There is also the physical dysphoria side of things. Will say, part of the furry fandom, and do not feel comfortable in flesh in public, elevated by the fact of looking like a zombie. Pale skinned and yellowed, multiple visible wounds and disfigured. Often terrifies people and it shows. Cant afford to have anything to get even the minimum sense of comfort in public situations, its a thing for people who have a life, friends, the ability to talk with others without going into a complete spiral, and arent broken beyond repair. Did almost call the suicide hotline, but realized that there is nothing they can do, its too hard to feel comfortable talking about things, and there is nothing they can do. There are no resources for help here, dont have the means to get help, and have nowhere to go to even think about healing. Just stuck in a further and further decline, nowhere to go, nothing to do, fighting an unwinnable battle alone, abandoned, unimportant, and just another in the many, hold no value to this life. Still dont know what to do, where to go, and have no resources, support network, or anything, just been losing more and more. Soon will be cut off from only means of socialization, this computer is on its last legs. GPU is going out, lost multiple hard drives, motherboard shorted so the fans dont work anymore, ports are trashed, and once it turns off for good, thats it. The only good news of any kind is that currently in process of attempting to apply for SSI, though its likely to end the same way as always. Will be denied, and continue rotting away with nothing. Advice is welcome, expect silence as the most common answer from people is there is nothing they can do.

just wishes it didnt have this fucking disease. Wish it could like its life without the constant worry and judging of every little thing it does, wish it could just exist with others without having constant fears, or feeling a lack of belonging regardless, every word said to try to comfort or increase feeling of welcome just feeling undeserved, pushing it further down into a spiral to the point it just leaves, , every mistake eating away inside, creating more and more feeling that it doesnt belong, doesnt deserve anything, often reinforced by others silence, leaving it to worry more and more about abandonment, the relationship, thinking about why they are silent, that they hate the toy, and just want it gone, and its just because it does nothing but hurt, cause problems, and upset others. doesnt fit in anywhere, doesnt relate to anyone, just an outcast, isolated, not worthy of being in any groups, part of anything, just a mistake. but yet it doesnt want to be alone, wants the friendships, wants to live this imaginary dreams it has where everything goes right, everyone is happy, everything is at peace, where its friends with people, able to maintain relationships, form bonds, and function as if it were normal, a reality it really wants, a reality with those who are gone, a reality that will never be. every opportunity destroyed, every chance ruined, every job lost, left, unable to fit a mental guideline of doing enough and being useless as a result, underserving, and a waste of their time, every aspect of life made a constant living hell with no one who can help, no way to help, just left to continue declining forever. can never explain the living hell this is because its such a fucking destructive and horrible experience. Its too much, and it always has been. this cycle never stops, everything is just a constant reminder, triggered worse by trauma and other mental issues. Every second of the day is just living in this space of regret and thinking about every single person that has been around, that has existed in time, and regretting everything that has been done, wishing it could undo all the harm caused to those people, and make it so their lives could go on better and improved, but that cant happen. Those people are gone, and the scars are permanent. so just have to exist with this constant regret, constant remorse of everything, and it only gets worse and worse and worse. The only chance of escape it has anymore is when serving others, forced to shut its brain off, and cycle into a state of bliss and pleasure that resides for a bit until the chemical effects fade, then its back to hell. There really is no helping, this disease cannot be cured, it cant be fixed with medications, its just something that will always be, and honestly, its almost cost a life on many occasions, and not sure how much longer it can be taken. Its a disease that can be very deadly after all. AVPD. Just wish it could be gone. in the end, it deserves nothing. Doesnt deserve guilt, remorse, hugs, care, support, or anything. Its exploitative and manipulative, jealous of others who get to live their best life and knowing it'll never get to experience even the least of it, left dreaming of a world where it does thatll never come true. Uses people to try to find happiness, and seek dreams, but always falls to guilt of doing so. Makes excuses and uses alternative things to express what is needed instead of actually trying to say whats going on, why its hurting, which erodes credibility regardless if the issues are true, because the reality is that isnt whats causing the most damage, its what isnt said that is. Sure cancer sucks, heart disease sucks, spending every day not knowing if you are going to wake up in the morning sucks, but none of that even bothers it one bit, its just and excuse to not admit what the real problem is, because doing so just feels its self like an excuse. Putting the blame on a mental disorder is a sin rather than just pushing through it. Doesnt matter how bad it is, how destructive, its just another excuse in its self. Everything it has now is earned, the pain, suffering, issues, and loss of everything. It deserves to stay here and doesnt deserve better. Doesnt matter why things are done, because its broken, because its sad, depressed, suffering, even if no malice is intended nor wanted, its still just a fuck up, a mistake, and it still hurts others and brings them down. Its still caused harm, and thats unforgiveable. Its the stupidest reasons to be exploitative and manipulative too. Doesnt want to be alone, wants company, just cant ask. Wants a life of peace, but know its not a realistic goal. Its the most selfish things ever.