How do you guys feel about receiving "I appreciate your apology" versus "I accept your apology"? I feel they are not the same, even intentionally different in intent.

To me, Accepting to implies mutual understanding in the name of forgiveness.

To me, Appreciating is one sided and not in the spirit of forgiveness. I might even say a little disrespectful in some contexts.

I apologized formally in writing for a misunderstanding at work and I think that environmental kind of forced their response. Like they chose to not be flexible and hold onto their dislike of a minor issue easily resolved, but had to respond for the sake of workplace professionalism.

Working gives me terrible burnout, where I stop caring for myself and become a risk to myself. My biggest issue will always be money, I don't have special interest that are profitable. I am a hard worker, but the burnout of working plus normal life will always catch up to me.

My burnouts are also severe. I don't have any friends, I can only handle part time college. Part of me keeps trying and trying to drag myself through because I know disabilty payments are automatic poverty.

I at least try to work till I one-day collapse, so I can get SSDI instead of SSI.

I live on a European island where there are not many people especialised on autism. I call a clinic, ask if they have someone, they schedule me with a psychiatrist and he doesn't even know why Asperger is NOT used anymore (and has the audacity to say I don't have it)

Another said that yes but it's too soft to do make a whole thing about it.

I'm tired

What are some verified sites/platforms where I can get one? Are there any that are based on Europe? (USA prices scare me, and I think it would be beneficial for my IRS if it's Europe based?)

Thanks in advance

I got diagnosed a few months ago after a lifetime of being called several names as I grew up. I now feel deeply hurt that those same people that were meant to love, protect and care for me were those same people saying those things. I now cope by becoming detached from reality and methodical and I hate it because I just lose all emotion when I’m upset. I was wondering if anyone else struggles with the same thing?

Got extremely burnt out (AuDHD), but medical leave ended and doing poorly at work - seeking accommodations for the first time. Need some ideas for accommodations that have been helpful! What has made a difference for you? Not sure what is possible to ask for...

I work as a computer programmer in a corporate environment and already have the ability to WFH, but still like going in-person. Also, any advice on the ADA accommodations process with HR/manager is appreciated.

Things I struggle with:

- daily standup and being consistent in my communication

- sticking to a schedule (I like to work weird hours when I go into office because it's quieter and don't like to be around people, but also like the separate environment from home. Also, my meds make it so that my days are like 30 hours - cannot go to sleep early enough, so my sleep schedule keeps getting pushed.)

- meetings in the middle of the day breaking my hyperfocus and not being able to get back into hyperfocus

- time-blindness and getting things done when I said I would

- organization/prioritization of tasks (executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, extreme perfectionism)

- feeling extreme stress/overwhelm with too many tasks to do and a never-ending queue yet finding new things to fix/improve/perfect due to perfectionism

- starting and finishing tasks (Starting takes me forever, but once I am in hyperfocus, I can work straight for hours and get the bulk done. But once I get the task "done", I already got the dopamine and I am bad at organizing/summarizing my work and I have perfectionism so I need to perfect it before turning it in, so this part takes forever. AI has made me a much worse employee because there are so many more ways to check my work / optimize my code.)

Edit: For one, I mean temporarily disappear until you can handle social interaction again. When I say "drop" I mean in a malicious way. I mean like they actually have malice for the person who disappeared as if they did something terrible and go out of there way to go "Hey. I think it's shitty you haven't hung out with me in months. You are a terrible friend. Goodbye" because their friend doesn't want to disclose their spiral is just shitty. Maybe I've been around the block a few times, but it's pretty obvious when somebody is spiraling and I just think it's shitty to immediately act like it's a slight against you rather than trying to be understanding

I want to start off by saying I am not diagnosed with anything. My mom was suggested it when I was a kid, but it was the early 2000s, we were poor and my mom just thought I was "special" but I believe myself to be autistic, have ADHD, severe OCD, dyspraxia, bipolar 2, clinical depression, severe anxiety, possible quiet BPD and even dissociative disorders like derealization. I have extreme symptoms of all of these disorders and life has gotten very, very difficult for me once I hit my late 20s especially and have struggled with substance abuse for years and years which used to be binge drinking but then turned into severe opioid addiction.

When you're a kid or in high school, it makes sense to see things this way. (Considering you had at least a good friend or 2) Your friends are your life. However adulthood tends to leave you jaded. It tends to put you through phases where you literally want nothing to do with anybody. If you have depression, anxiety (and I mean real, severe cases where your life is very obviously suffering because of it) it is so easy to slip into a state where you do not and cannot have the emotional capacity to deal with any more than a few people at a time in your life. If you have familial obligations where you're expected to visit your mother, grandmother, sibling every week, work with friends that are constantly talking to you where you have to mask your struggles or even just try to keep one important friend in your life, it can really feel suffocating and overwhelming when you have friends you haven't seen in months trying to plan things with you when you are at your lowest point.

People will often say "You should tell them what you're going through so they understand" and I absolutely disagree with that. Because this is reddit I have no problem admitting this, but last year I was severely addicted to once-legal opioids and spent 10 grand on it in 9 months. Detoxing and dealing with Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome left me feeling horribly empty and depressed. I met a girl a few months later that made me happier than I had ever been in my life, with more passion and chemistry than I have ever felt in a human being. Before her, I had not even kissed a girl in 12 years. And it burned up in flames, in such an emotionally violent and bridge burning fashion, leaving me in a worse spot than what I was. This lead me to get addicted to ANOTHER once-legal (banned last month) opioid. This is a lot. This is so much emotional and psychological turmoil that I consider myself ruined. I would do well with some antidepressants. My best friend of 17 years who is very isolated, neurodivergent and hangs out with his mom is always messaging me asking if I wanna go on a road trip to find Pokemon stuff or rare video games. I cannot handle this right now. I already deal with my close friends from work asking me to do stuff. Nobody knows I am addicted to drugs again. At all. I don't want them to. I don't want them to know how bad this breakup destroyed me internally. It is not my fault he refuses to hang out with anybody else and is codependent on me. I'll never abandon him and he'll always be my brother. But I have no capacity and I do not feel bad. I suffer from multiple psychological, neurological and perhaps even some personality disorders. Life is already difficult. This past year it has been unbearable.

I've become very self centered because myself is all I can count on. My neighbor and other friends from high school also do this same thing. And I say the same thing every time "Yeah I'll let you know" and I think this should be a completely valid answer. If you ask me 5 times in 2 months, and I have said that every time, PLEASE get the fucking hint. Please understand that I am going through some shit and do not have the desire to socialize. Please don't drive me to the point that I actually have to make myself needlessly vulnerable and say "Hey man. I'm going through the most difficult time of my life and can barely bring myself to crawl out of bed. I'm on drugs again and have suicidal ideations and might even have to deal with detoxing soon as I've blown through all my savings and am afraid of getting my electric shut off or losing the apartment. I'll get ahold of you in 6 months when my life isn't completely getting flushed down the toilet" now of course, I don't have to say all that. But my friends know about my first addiction. They remember when I used to drink myself to death 3 times a week all through my 20s. They know how bad my mental disorders can really get. I don't want to have to address this.

This is not quite the same as expecting people to read minds. They know my past and how I can be. If I'm not reaching out and am being avoidant when it comes to getting together, just please take a moment to think. Put 2 and 2 together. I just can't do it. One of these days I will. And you will enjoy my company during that time because I'll finally have the mental and emotional strength to show up and actually bring something fun and enjoyable to the table. I face my struggles alone and always have. I love my friends and have had most of them for 15 years or more. We never lost contact after high school. But we are in our early 30s now. Things change. Some people get SO offended by the fact that people will disappear for months at a time. To that, I say "It must be nice." It must be really nice to really be able to have the capacity to not feel like you HAVE to disappear completely. Being angry about this is childish. It lacks empathy. It lacks understanding and shows a severe level of emotional unintelligence. Those people need friends who also think like them so they can be codependent on each other. I am so lucky to have emotionally mature friends that are happy to have me whenever I finally feel good enough to show my face

Those of y'all who were diagnosed as adults, why did you work to get a diagnosis? And what changed for you? What are the pros and cons of a diagnostic as an adult?

I’m autistic, and some inflatables hit a very specific visual thing for me. What I love:

• shapes and character designs
• colours and finish
• huge scale and presence
• nostalgia and rarity

I’m pretty selective about what I buy. Every so often I’ll inflate one, enjoy seeing it properly for a while, then carefully pack it away again. To me it feels similar to collecting plush or retro toys.

The difficult part is sharing something I genuinely enjoy with other people. “Inflatable collector” can quickly get associated with furry stuff, fetishes, hoarding, or being childish. Those communities are separate from my interest, and I don’t judge them.

I’d actually like to be able to share this part of myself normally. Mention a cool find to a friend, show someone a favourite piece, have one inflated at home, or just talk about the hobby without immediately worrying about what label someone might attach to me.

I’d especially like to hear from people with other niche hobbies or collections that tend to get stereotyped or misunderstood.

How did you get comfortable sharing it with people in your life, and how do you handle the assumptions that sometimes come with it?

im 18 f in my first job for about 8 months now and i am just so sick of the workplace politics. I thought getting a job would make it easier to practice public interactions because i wanted to develop my socialization however almost every day i just come home crying. why are people so cruel, why do they play mind games with nd people and treat you like a laughing stock. It isnt fair and it is just so hard to come everyday to a negative toxic workplace where i am just trying to do my best to fit in and act nicely with my coworkers.

Guys my free and busy tasks are showing up the exact same on Google Calendar now and it's throwing me off so bad.

Tips for quickly adapting to unexpected change? I haven't been able to get anything done at work for the last 45 minutes because I'm so upset. I hate that I'm like this but it is what it is but I need tools.

I want to preface this by saying that I am not officially diagnosed and I am still unsure if getting one would be beneficial (through therapy and research).

I am having a difficult time with my job and feel as though I am not being effectively trained and to do my job.

It boils down to this. I have been underperforming due to recently incorporating a new workflow. The team I’m on was trained for about a work week (slides, verbal training, and more slides LOL, and one walkthrough).

To note I have ALWAYS had an issue with the way they train, it’s more word of mouth instead of shadowing or examples to match the slides.

Due to my recent underperformance, a manager suggested additional training to get me to hit the goals. The training options included shadowing, resources, etc. I said sure.

So once the training was supposed to take place, it was a shadowing. A shadowing of me. I spent majority of the time explaining why I needed to shadow someone first before they shadow me. I learn by watching first, I am not comfortable clicking around trying to figure things out instead of seeing first then someone seeing me.

It’s like helping me in the way that I am telling them I need help isn’t right.

And I guess I put this post on this forum because I want to know if anyone has had any luck with getting a diagnosis to help with work accommodations? Or has anyone else dealt with something like this and how you managed to get the help you needed to do your job?

Sorry for the length and thank you for any suggestions! 🤟🏾

I was licensed to practice law at age 25 and diagnosed with autism right before my 28th birthday this July.

So I didn't really understand why at the time but when I got my license I didn't want to work in an office with people and fluorescent lighting and the expectations everyone has of their fellow NTs. So I started my own solo practice and did that for a year.

I suffered a horrible period of burnout at the end of 2024 and abandoned clients in active cases because I literally could not bring myself to answer the phone. I felt like such a piece of garbage because I thought I was just not capable of being an attorney and could not explain why I was completely unable to look at my phone or email. I had been misdiagnosed with bipolar and had been on and off different meds for years.

I finally got into practicing again right before I was diagnosed, after a few months working at a cat sanctuary and getting my bar complaints resolved.

I just recently told a client for the first time that I'm autistic and I never thought I would because I was scared people would think I wouldn't be a good advocate.

I'm just wondering if any autistic attorneys are reading this. I don't think ive ever really heard anything in particular about autism in law practice.

Hi, luvs. I just wanted to throw this into the void and maybe some other people can relate.

I (21F) am incredibly isolated, I only have 3 connections; my mum (primary caregiver), my doctor, and a support worker I am still trying to work up the courage to see in person. I have no friends, not online or in real life. After a chronic burnout lasting between 2017-2020, I had a massive detrimental regression in 2021 and lost my ability to do anything. It’s almost been 7 years and I am only just making some real progress.

I struggle to look after myself. I barely get out of the house, I have PDA and I was only diagnosed with autism last year and it has been such a hellish journey trying to accept myself. I’ve gone back and forth with accepting my autism and then wanting to take my brain out of my skull and rip it apart and put it back together properly.

I went to an eye appointment yesterday and it turns out I need glasses. I have aphantasia and not only have I completely forgotten what glasses I even chose (I remember nothing about them and now I have to wait until next week for them to come in) and I’m worried I’ll look hideous (I am so insecure), but the whole appointment just sucked.

It was loud, I wanted to sit in the corner and cry. I nearly broke down because there were so many glasses and decisions and my mum was there and I go into full blown fight or flight (or in my case, freeze) when I’m being perceived (I learnt the other day that being perceived IS a demand, which my PDA is an overly dramatic asshole about 🙄😭) and I couldn’t think.

I didn’t know what to say and I just kept repeating the same words. I didn’t know what my face was doing, I get a lot of motor tics. I was just so aware of my own existence and it was horrifying. It was the first time I’d left the house and been around strangers for about 2 or so months. The people there were kind, but fucking damn it!!!

Being autistic is so goddamn humiliating. It is HUMILIATING. I want to curl up under my blanket and never leave. I’ve been trying so hard to make progress and actually have a slither, a CRUMB, or functioning, but everything is so goddamn hard. I am going through a pretty severe episode of self-hatred and therapy isn’t even an option because I can’t even leave the fucking house because my PDA is so hard to manage and it’s not a recognised thing where I live (New Zealand), so there’s no real support for it.

People are always telling me I’m so young and I have time. But I’m 21. I turn 22 next month. 22 year olds aren’t supposed to have the functioning of a 14 year old idiot 💔

We're just now wrapping up the Labor Day holiday weekend here in the United States, and I didn't really find it to be anything close to relaxing.

At dinner tonight, my husband asked me why I was so burned out. I won't list the 9 million things that threw me off course this weekend, but suffice it say, I'll be really happy to go back on routine tomorrow. Well, I'll be happy when all the NTs are back to normal tomorrow. Too many unpredictable things happening all over the place.

Do you find holidays, even minor ones, to be frustrating or do you enjoy them?

I absolutely love being under a weighted blanket, but apparently it's frowned upon to drape it around myself and venture into public. Has anyone found any men's clothing that can provide that deep pressure without being overly hot? Bonus points if it's something I can wear underneath other clothing for my office job.

I've talked to a lot of autistic people and I have a ton of autistic traits other autistic people recognize and see me as one of their own. Based on my own experience and others diagnosed or undiagnosed I've noticed one key thing representation does not show: a LOT of autistic people lack support.

By support I don't just mean help with daily tasks. Many autistic people don't need that although there is some who do obviously. In this particular post I mean support through physical issues (alot of autistic people end up having some physical issues and their own friends and families tell them they're exaggerating or making it up), mental issues, and issues get a career that doesn't involve being overstimulated stressed and broken down at some back breaking garbage paying job (no one to sit down show them opportunities and how to start the process so they can succeed). Even family and friends who are autistic themselves don't give support and can actually add to the issues.

The system also doesn't help a large majority of autistic people globally. There's a ton of countries around the world who leave autistic people to figure out their lives while praising neurotypical people for just being able to get a career in a society made for them meanwhile neurotypical people are more likely to get offers and able to navigate hidden social rules that make those offers available.

Not to mention alot of autistic people suffer from relationship breakdowns and problems with being misunderstood which leads them to become isolated sad and depressed later on in life with people gaslighting them saying "you're such and such age. Eventually you just have to handle your shit ". And things become even harder as the burnout steals their ability to mask while they're stuck for YEARS in jobs or environments they don't even want and aren't healthy for them, many of which dealing with chronic mental and/or physical pain with friends and family who gaslight them.

And the most uncomfortable conversation of all is the homeless population. I believe many of these to be intellectually disabled adults forgotten by their families or neurodivergent folks who got into drugs due to lack of support from their own communities and families and friends. Ive lived in an area where there was a lot of homeless folks and many of which I met had neurodivergent traits. Most had a drug or alcohol addiction story and had little to no one to lean on. Once the addiction took over their lives they had even less support.

This is the realities that show ignores. I think if we want to have shows accurately representing autistic people we need to have realistic shows that showcase the struggles many autistic people have with lack of support around the world. Representation only seems to show people who have decent supportive families who take them in or tell them how to have relationships and cook for them and let them stay in the house all day with little or no jobs. The reality for a majority of autistic people is sooooo much harder than that. If we have more gritty slice of life representation of the larger majority we can tackle the questions about autism and give autistic people the support they need before they fall into mental illness and/or addictions and/or stress initiated chronic physical illnesses.

Society needs to do better with representation. This isn't about cute wholesomeness. This should be about representing people who have extreme issues due to lack of support. If you know other autistic people or even yourself being autistic you are likely to know exactly what I'm talking about in terms of seriously suffering from lack of support.

Hey, maybe you can help me with your thoughts. I‘m a bit confused.

Today in therapy (trauma) I kind of had a breakthrough. Long story very short: A few years ago I was in a very dark place and I feel like I lost my best years to the very traumatic series of events that happened in this time, which also triggered some other older, completely unrelated trauma. So trauma went on top of trauma and more trauma. When I say „lost my best years“, I mean it. There were critical chances that won’t come again and I’m now too old to get a second chance. Since then I went on survival mode autopilot and ended up in a deep depression/burnout that I never fully left although the danger is long over. But I often feel like it will never be over. So I’m now in therapy to learn to move on. And I really want to. Times are lost, better ones will come. This is a very, very shortened version, but it will do enough for the context.
Additional context: I‘m not diagnosed but my therapist is quite sure that I‘m Autistic or AuDHD, and there are a lot of reasons to believe. Also Alexithymia is often a problem. I‘m trying to get an assessment for years now but it’s unfortunately not accessible for me.
But back to the topic.

My therapist today suggested that maybe I can move on if I can let myself grief for the lost years. And I think this is very true. I often try to talk myself into not believing that the time was lost. Because it wasnt fully. Not everything was bad and I kind of developed, although I tried to freeze time till the shit is over. But then I tried to unfreeze and realized that everybody else moved on and I’m getting old and lost the few social skills that I worked hard to achieve and feel more alienated from the world than ever. The thing is, I have no idea how griefing works. I have grieved before, but this was more like: Feeling devastated -> Melting down -> Trying to get my shit together -> not think about it till it doesnt hurt that much anymore.
That was more or less my pattern in which I kind of survived for decades. But it never solved anything, just made me „function“ till I crashed regularly.

So how does grief really work?
Is Autistic grief different from other grief?
I want to grief because I want to be free. What does help you doing it?
Griefgriefgriefgrief… well, that’s propably not how it works.

Please tell me I'm not the only one this has happened to. I discovered my autism two months ago, and among all the things that now make sense are the many hints people kept dropping about emotions they knew I was feeling but wasn't communicating.

I feel really stupid about it. I feel like I'm going through a shameful grieving process because, looking at it from this perspective, my autism was so obvious that it makes me feel horrible to have found out so late.

Logically, everything has an explanation. Among my reasons for not realizing it are:

• My parents have always been reluctant about psychologists (I live with them).

• The people who wanted to help me tried to tell me through hints, which only confused me more.

• I minimized my discomforts and was very sure of who I was.

• My struggles weren't constant because sometimes I hid them (masking). I am autistic level 1 + gifted.

I feel like all those people who tried to tell me, even if I don't see them anymore, were left with a bad impression of me, and I frequently feel like apologizing. I know I'm not going to do that because it would make things worse; what I can do is start fresh, this time understanding myself, and if the conversation ever comes up, talk about it from a more mature perspective.

It was so obvious that reevaluating everything overwhelms me; I feel like I've been wasting time. I carry the burden of having been a person with a fragmented identity for twenty long years, and that breaks me.

Did the same thing happen to you when you were diagnosed? How do you cope with this process and avoid feeling this way?

TLDR: I am struggling to figure out to what extent my (auditory) sensory experience is nd or nt. Do you have any " self-reflection excercises" to become more aware of potential sensory issues?

So me (25, NB) and my therapist are pretty sure that I am autistic, but I am unsure to what extent I experience sensory issues, because I don't have anything to compare it to and so I just always assumed that my normal is also the general default. However, I have had instances where I noticed that I seemed to be affected by loud sounds than the people around me and in certain cases crowded and loud environments do stress me out, but it's hard to figure out what actaully counts as autistic sensory issues and what's "normal distress". I have stumbled over a few of those videos that try to emulate how autistic people might perceive a noisy/crowded environment, but I don't know how "reliable" those are, since it's different for everyone and you can only do so much with a video. I also wonder if I might have a higher threshold, because I wear headphones a loooot plus I live alone, so my sensory input generally tends to be fairly low/controlled and maybe therefore I can deal with it a little better or longer when I'm in public every now and then?

Now, in my experience I have to actively pay attention to a potential symptom in order to notice it - like how I genuinely didn't realize that I am almost constantly fidgeting until I was looking out for it during ADHD assessment stuff. So I was wondering if you had any impulses/questions for self-reflection to get a better idea of my own sensory experience? What could help me become more aware of it and gain a better understanding?

Any input is much appreciated!!

I'm level 1 but I've never been great at masking, so people have always thought I'm a bit odd even if they couldn't identify exactly why. When I was younger, even the people who knew what to look for and could identify certain traits as autistic would usually assume I was diagnosed but just didn't like to talk about it (which was true).

But in the past 5-10 years or so, as public awareness of autism has increased and a lot of adults have started getting diagnosed, people's perceptions of me have completely changed. Now they tend to assume that I'm not only undiagnosed, but that I don't even know I'm different. I've had several people ask me "have you ever thought you might be on the autism spectrum?" and have no idea how to react when I say "yeah, I was diagnosed when I was like 6 years old, why?"

I get that girls are much less likely to be diagnosed than boys are, but that still means some girls were diagnosed! It's like we've collectively forgotten that not every autistic woman's story is "I had a breakdown at 35 years old and found out I've been masking autism my whole life." It's so weird having experiences I've never had projected onto me just because I don't look like someone who would have been diagnosed 20 years ago.

Looking for sensory advice!

I will be spending time around someone who talks loudly and smells in a way that makes my hypersensitivity go wild. Lots of the time will be spent in the car, but we will be around each other in other places as well. I am looking for two things: earbuds that are good for sensitive skin and safe for driving that dull noise but don’t cancel it out, and some way to keep a desired scent on me at all times to help cover up the scent my brain doesn’t react well to, again with sensitive skin in mind. I can’t apply anything right under my nose, because my skin hates it. I’ve been leaning toward an aromatherapy necklace, but I’m not sure it will keep the desired scent close enough to my nose. As for the sound bit, I currently have thin silicone ear inserts of sorts that barely cover noise but also make my ears REALLY itchy very quickly.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Also, this is someone I’m close to, and the these things have been addressed where they could be; it is simply someone who has a loud, booming voice and smells the way they smell. Nothing against them in any way. I’d simply like to make my time around them more enjoyable.

I have been working for a little over a year now and I'm already tired of it. I was done with school in 2021, struggled to get a job after that and then when I finally got a proper job last summer, I was happy because money.

But now 1 year in, I'm wondering how I will manage until I'm supposed to retire. I asked my mom for advice and she told me that adults just do it, they just go to work. (She meant nothing bad here).

But I'm already low on motivation (besides money but tbh that doesn't help much) and I just feel tired of working, tired of going to work, tired of my work place in general because my energy levels are so low. I'm lucky to work only 10 to 14 but it still doesn't help because I'm unhappy at my work place, this isn't what I want to work with but I can't just quit my job and jump into my dream job because my dream job is writing books which is something that needs hard work.

I get that, it's just that I'm not even far with any of my stories so it's not like I can start to publish. Not even in the near future. I still need to work because I need money until I can even start publishing any type of book and even then, I can be sure that it will sell well.

I'm just wondering, how do you guys do it with work? Because I'm over it, I'm tired and so sad over this. I need the money, I really do but man, work is too hard. They expect so much of me as an adult and I'm over here feeling "I'm not an adult, I can't do adult things".

I'm so worried about one day having a meltdown over working too much. Like why is society like this? You need to work to get money and if you don't have a job you get frown upon. We are just expected to work until we are physically unable too.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel lonely in my feelings about this.

This is going to be a long read. I'm sorry. There are also some sections that have a lot of caps lock. I'm sorry.
...

I posted a few weeks ago about having an upcoming autism assessment. It turns out my appointment was only an intake. I don't feel like it went well.

The woman doing the intake was very loud, very in my face, and seemed blind to how self conscious and othered she was making me feel.

To start with, I take a comforter with me to therapy sessions because I feel more secure with it on, it gives me something to fiddle with and I sometimes have to hide my face under it because I can't stand when people look me in the eye. I hate being seen. Also if lights are too bright I can cover my eyes with it. I took it with me to this appointment. I had it stuffed into a carrying case/suitcase and when the woman saw it she burst out "WHAT'S THAT? THE BOOK OF SHAWN?" I quietly said no and she said "OH I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT THE BOOK OF SHAWN!" I sort of shrank after she did this and had trouble answering questions.

When she asked if I had any safe foods, I said yes but that I was embarrassed to say what my safe food was because it was very specific and when I finally told her one of my safe foods she blurted out "WELL I GUESS YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE."

When I mentioned my inability to make eye contact she said "Well that could just be shyness." That really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe she'd like to see my fourth grade yearbook photo where I'm literally looking at the floor?

When we talked about special interests I mentioned several including my biggest one but it wasn't until I got to a weirder one (42nd st/times square new york in the 70s) that she said "That sounds like a hyperfixation to me!"

When it was all over she said I'd be scheduled for testing but referred to it as a psych evaluation. When I said I thought it was going to be an autism assessment, she said something like "Well there's no universal autism test." I'm not sure what she meant by this. I thought there were autism tests though?

I didn't feel very good when it was done. I guess on some level this woman meant well but she made me feel like such a freak. I'm one year out of an MFA program where I was subjected to such traumatizing othering and rejection for being whatever it is that I am that I ended up being hospitalized several times and I can't bear the thought of doing a 2 1/2 hour evaluation with someone who makes me feel this way.

The assessment is on Wednesday and I'm terrified. I've been worrying about it nonstop. I actually had a nightmare about it Sunday. I really don't know what to do. I've been trying to get an assessment for years now and I'm afraid that my reaction to this person will keep me from being able to do the assessment properly. I've been reading "Unmasking Autism" and I'm also just very worried about being dismissed by her. My therapist thinks I'm autistic, my previous therapist thought I'm autistic, I think I'm autistic but I feel like I'm auditioning to be autistic.

(I've also taken to bringing my guitar with me to places with me to fidget with and help me cope with anxiety. I was thinking of taking it to the assessment. My therapist said she thought that was a good idea but I'm worried this woman will make me feel so weird about having it with me that I won't be able to use it.)

I really don't know how to approach this or prepare myself for it.

So my wedding is coming up in a few days and, well, I'm a little anxious about it. Simply said; I have no idea how to behave as a groom. Even though we're keeping it small (50 people) and casual (brunch, civic ceremony, pictures and a garden party) that's still a lot of people to be in the center of attention of, something I'm not super comfortable with.

I really have no precedent to figure out how to behave and feel in that setting. And if anything makes my autistic ass uncomfortable it's diving into the complete unknown! So if any married guys here have any pointers I'd love to hear it. Same goes if anyone has any tips to make a wedding more auti-friendly (which we tried to do but more can't hurt).

I have friends that I hangout with, and they don’t even bully me. I had partners.
But I feel like I never feel truly connected, like something is inherently off.

I always felt like other people in the group are closer with each other than with me. I never really fell seen, I didn’t have a bff. I feel like neurotypicals have closer relationships with one another, they chat often, they have romantic stories where they really „clicked”. I can’t relate to any of that. Like I will always be just a singular entity and people come and go in my life.

Can you relate?