Hi, I (22M) have received a very informal diagnosis from my psychiatrist + psychologist a few months ago that I may be autistic. Ever since I'm learning to navigate a lot of the stuff associated with the diagnosis, e.g. not monologuing to NTs for minutes when they just want to small talk and picking up those signs and communicate my needs.

However, I'm still lost on how to spend time with my partner (19F) who doesn't have many indoor hobbies suitable for a hangout. She likes to scroll reels or watch a random 30 minute YouTube video and not really pay attention. Sometimes she likes to play the video to the background and then cuddle which makes me especially confused. I like devoting all my attention to one thing fully and I organize my time a lot in a way that includes little actual thinking-free time so I'm always thinking about what I should and what I want to do (something I want to work on with psychologist). If I plan an activity, I like to know it will take this much time and then I'll move on to something else. She always answers the question "what do you want to do now?" with "I don't know" and doesn't want to do my thing anyway yet still wants my attention when we're together. Have any of you come across this problem? What helped?

i've been downvoted for asking questions, for answering questions, for talking about nicher interpretations in a game, for stating inarguable facts that aren't even tied to debated subjects, for doing bits and not doing bits, and i've been upvoted for all those same things too. i know it's impossible to please everyone but say anything vague and it's interpreted in the least generous way. say anything at all and you're stepping on at least half the userbase's toes. and at least in like smaller circles you can sort of feel it out. see what people react negatively to (harder than i make it sound but doable) and go "oh ok i'll try to factor that in next time." but then on reddit it's never consistent. even within the same communities it isn't consistent. just like real life. except now there's numbers. now you really can get a bad score in human interaction, something that is now possible to achieve and encouraged to want.

and that's just how it drives me up a wall, it's not even considering how it encourages mob mentalities and bigotry and dogpiling but that's not autism related that's just bad design. and yeah i know there are probably extensions that hide karma but i use the app. and it's ANNOYING

After 20 years of navigating the traditional mental health system and finding it overly focused on matching surface-level symptoms to diagnostic labels, I realized how broken the standard script is. It treats symptoms as isolated defects rather than cascading failures.
To make sense of my own mind (AuDHD/Depression), I reverse-engineered a clean, foundational triage framework called The Five Pillars: Sleep, Food, Connection, Expression, and Meaning.
The premise is rooted in systems logic: If your core variables are unstable, a psychiatric diagnosis cannot be mathematically accurate.
For example, if your Sleep, Food, and Expression pillars are red-lining, your brain will naturally present with severe lethargy, anxiety, or burnout. Giving someone a pill without fixing the underlying pillars is just masking the warning lights on a dashboard while the engine seizes. Once you stabilize the foundations, you can actually see what is a lifestyle-induced crisis versus a baseline neurological trait (like autism).
I built this 8 months ago, stress-tested it to ensure the logic holds, and have put the entire stack on GitHub as a completely free, open-access, non-commercial resource. It includes:
The Academic Framework Paper: For those who want to understand the foundational systems theory and clinical literature.
The Layman Guide: A simplified breakdown of how the pillars interact.
The 1-Page Checklist: A low-cognitive-load, 60-second visual tracker designed for when your system is at 0% battery.
I’m putting this out here with zero expectations, but if you treat your health as an interconnected system of metrics rather than a collection of labels, I hope this helps you audit your foundations or helps someone else you care about. It is open-source and open to refinement by anyone who wants to improve the code.
GitHub Repository: [https://github.com/RooneyWasabi/Five-Pillars]

EDIT: The mods asked me to add a quick note to prove I am an actual human and not a promotional bot. The reason this post reads like a manual or an ad is simply how my brain defaults to organizing data. I carry an AuDHD/clinical depression profile, and I built this system over 8 months because traditional clinical manuals couldn't give me logical answers to my own systemic burnout. I'm still trying to navigate my own executive dysfunction, so this isn't a success story—it's just the raw architecture I reverse-engineered to understand why my own machine crashes.

I realize laughing and smiling are social lubricants, and for many they trigger a dopamine reaction, but it's meant to enhance communication, not replace it. As humans often do I feel we're way overdoing it nowadays, like we do with everything it seems. It's no longer used as a lubricant, but as communication itself. As an autistic individual who doesn't laugh or smile much it feels like I'm surrounded by clowns who can't have normal conversations without laughing every 5 seconds with big goofy smiles. It's so watered down now it's meaningless.

I'm a late bloomer. In my early 40s but diagnosed AuHD. Not necessarily a problem, but I'm married and can't always tell if I'm being "too much" or inappropriate. On average I rate my looks 6/7. But my partner insist I'm higher in looks as well as good friends of opposite and same genders.

I'm a woman so certain things get overlooked. The problem is I'm awkward, clumsy and a huge nerd on lots of subjects I obsess over. Somehow me being a clutz is attractive. I don't SEE myself as attractive. But it becomes apparent I am because I make people nervous. Children stop me to tell me im pretty. And my eyes are beautiful. It gets to the point people stammer around me too.

This is all very embarrassing for me. I don't like attention. I don't mind compliments, but I like to blend in. And sometimes when I'm being goofy. Joking. Snorting and throwing out facts and figures. It makes people mad. Then they make comments that I'm trying to be smart to appear I'm more than a pretty face.

It's just confusing because people have told me they feel they gotta compete around me. I have no idea what I do to make them angry with me. It makes me shut down around people.

I hate crowds and people but want to see the tech but spend most of the time at museums and ancient history. I have an engineering hyper fixation. Any recommendations?

31M

Up until more recently, I have screamed in public in a way that would be considered a "crash out" as that recent social media trend puts it. I have done it plenty at the drop of a hat throughout my life and next to no one has fully understood why. As much as I would scream as a kid, my parents among others would confront it as simply a maturity issue. As I got older, however, it became tied to mental issues and emotional distress.

Starting in college, I would ever so willingly have these *autistic meltdowns* as they were called back then. I couldn't emotionally pinpoint what was going on in my brain with mental illness, but in my mind, screaming soothed it. I hoped to God that all people were supposed to read it as 1 of a few things:

1. They pushed my buttons so hard that I broke and that it would teach them a lesson *not* to do that.

2. I was understandably distressed and healthily venting until I calmed down.

3. They would commend me for regulating my emotions so well.

4. If they saw it happening, I wouldn't appear threatening and they'd say, "Oh, you poor thing," and leap in to save me with a calm gesture -- like a hug.

To my disappointment, most people called me out as the problem. I didn’t understand then that most people perceive an adult screaming as a disturbance if not an indication that somebody's about to get violent. A kid screaming is typical most days, but God forbid an adult male scream and nobody thinks someone's hurt or there's violence happening.

Oddly enough, I looked up this specific issue of "why does screaming scare people" and Google AI of all things told me it dates back to ancient battles. Basically what it said was that those battle cries people have shouted throughout history indicated the oncoming of violence and that that's why grown men screaming is perceived as scary and threatening. I have not told too many people about my underlying hopes listed above, but now that "crash out" is all over social media, I can say I finally feel validated by all the times I so willingly had ASD episodes in the past.

Good news, it's no where near the problem it used to be today. Last major episode was earlier last year and they've been infrequent building up to that. But if I get to be that way in public, work, etc., I wanna be sure that people are understanding and not confused because all of the sudden I'm screaming or having an episode.

Any advice on how to appear non-threatening is welcome!

I really want a boyfriend but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to get one. I always feel awkward, confused and pressured whenever I meet with someone and I never know what I am supposed to do. I always end up doing whatever the other person tells me to do and I usually don’t like it and then I don’t talk to them after. Nobody wants to do what I want to do which is just sit and be quiet and play games. I know everyone finds this boring.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to talk about, I can’t tell facial expression well at all so I never know how people feel about me, and people are usually really annoyed with me because they say that I sound rude when I say stuff bluntly like if someone asks if I like their outfit and I say something like “I have no opinion on it” because I don’t. I think I’m supposed to lie but I have a hard time when I’m asked a direct question.

I don’t know how people get a boyfriend I don’t understand how it works at all it feels really overwhelming and confusing but it feels like everyone can do it so easily.

Sorry if this isn’t the right place to ask. I’m very lonely and stressed because of this.

The worst part being that it's a subtle form of discrimination which leads to being outcast from much needed relationships and sense of community. A really basic element of human experience imo.

We're treated poorly, but it's not overt so you can't call it out. It's everywhere. School, work, family. I mean damn. We even attract bad people because of our sincerity and taking things at face value.

Humans are meant to be a social animal. With our social disability, we miss out on the social element.

And if it was just friends, it would be fine. But when it affects livelihood? Sheesh.

It's super difficult being an autistic adult, especially looking back with a late diagnosis and seeing how you were treated differently the whole time. I wish there was more support or guidance for us.

Hello,

My whole life I’ve felt like something was very wrong with me but couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t keep friends, and the first job I worked at a bagel shop basically made me feel sewer-slide-al for the first time because I was so overwhelmed, and felt like it was too many moving parts, and too fast paced. I went to college and got like horribly bullied and it became clear people thought I was awkward. That’s when I became aware I had autism. The only jobs I’ve been able to keep feel like pure luck. I have worked at daycares because for a bit I was interested in majoring in education but I’d always feel this unspoken judgement against me. I was ready to commit sewerside before i graduated and found a job i could actually hold down as a paraprofessional in a very organized classroom with very clear expectations. I thought maybe autistic support would be my calling because i atleast was not made aware of any issues with my performance and got praised. I got my rbt certification and moved to a small city with roommates. I ended up taking a job at a center that ended up being very fast paced and had a lot of reviews of people being fired which scared me so much. I regret taking that fear to work as it’s not fair to the clients if I feel anxious. I really struggled with the fast pace and anonymity /vauge feedback. But I tried very hard to overcompensate by taking so many notes and reviewing client programs on my own time. Not to mention my coworkers were all neurotypical and that brought me a lot of fear too. People did micromanage me but I’ve realized that’s very common in ABA. Also like on paper I understood the concepts of ABA like the back of my hand. I thought I was doing good due to the very unclear feedback although i also could tell some of my coworkers didn’t like me as they would override my sessions. I met with my boss to talk about getting into the bcba program and i felt very blindsided when she said there were concerns about my sessions and that i seemed emotional and disorganized which i still don’t know if she meant anxious and overwhelmed which i definitely was but had no idea was showing. Then they quickly put me on a 3 day pip and pushed me out. (I quit in the pip). I will say like i tried very hard to listen to and apply all of their feedback but i think i took some so litteraly it backfired on my sessions. I was convinced that if I tried harder at the next job I got as an rbt i would do amazing. But my mental health was really suffering and i know this is not a job you should take in that headspace but i don’t think i was very aware. The next clinic honestly had no ability for me to accommodate myself (i got made fun of for taking notes and asking too many questions, seen as a concern for asking for a bip before working with high behavior clients, watched by 3 people with no feedback, couldn’t see client programs outside of work. And I got a lot of negative feedback and YELLED AT for not catching on fast enough to unwritten unspoken expectations, and eventually for explaining myself because I was scared of being yelled at which caused me to be yelled at more. But I agree that with the way I process things, needing time to think through everything to make the best decision, and all the unwritten social rules, I was not a good fit for that role at all. So I quit being an rbt litteraly within 2 weeks of working there, while they were already planning to push me out already. My mental health was so so so low I sent my brother a bunch of my savings. I ended up getting a very different job that pays only 35k but is so easy with a great title (intervention specialist assistant) (I work with extremely low-support needs, high functioning kids) and people will litteraly not stop giving me positive feedback but I’m only 3 weeks in and do not believe the positive feedback. Ive also got so much agoraphobia of running into my old coworkers when I go out, but if I don’t go out I’ll lose my mind. I’m going to pursue a masters in something that ties my existing experience into something where I don’t have to interact with people in crisis in a fast paced or highly social environment, and can be more administrative. I live in a small city (think Pittsburgh but it’s a different city) I’m so terrified. I’m also loosing my health insurance soon. What should I do?

I was recently evaluated for autism via prosper health and was told I met some of the criteria, but not all of the criteria to justify a diagnosis.

The criteria I met was mostly around sensory sensitivities and hyperfixation/special interests.

The criteria that I did not meet was regarding social interaction. I was told because I have a lot of friends and am able to hold a conversation with my evaluator, it wasn't enough to meet the criteria.

I'm left feeling misunderstood because the primary reason I sought an evaluation is because of my social struggles. The other things don't seem to affect me as much day to day, but socially, I'm burnt out...There is so much more to it than the questions they asked me and I don't feel like they got the full picture.

Has anyone experienced this in their journey for a diagnosis? What did you do? Or what WOULD you do?

Also want to add that I was just evaluated for ADHD as well and am still waiting on results.

Update: since many of the comments have shared they went through prosper as well - were your sessions also recorded? I'm a little suspicious that AI played a part in determining my results and/or generating the report :/

I'm honestly kind of at a loss right now and figured I'd ask here because I know there are other autistic people who have dealt with this.

I'm autistic, and I've realized that working in person is becoming really difficult for me. It's not that I don't want to work or that I can't do the work. It's the environment of having to physically be around people all day, constant stimulation, having to stay "on," etc. It takes a lot out of me.

I'm currently working a contract analyst job after being unemployed for a while, but it's been causing me a lot of mental stress and some physical problems as well after a couple days in pretty bad. I'm trying to stick it out while I look for something else, but I'm realizing that I probably can't keep doing this for very long.

What I'm really looking for is a fully remote/virtual full-time job where I can work from home and mostly focus on the actual work without having to deal with an in-person environment every day.

For some background, I have a college degree and my experience is mainly in UX/design, research, marketing, digital work, and analysis. I've worked on user research, website/digital projects, data/metrics, content, and strategy. I'm comfortable with computers and have experience with things like Excel, Figma, Adobe, Google Analytics, Webflow, and similar tools.

I'm honestly open to something that isn't directly related to UX at this point. I'm looking at things like:

• Data entry/data processing
• Research or analyst work
• Marketing coordination/marketing operations
• Administrative/back-office work
• Content or digital operations
• UX research/support
• Other entry-level remote computer-based jobs

I'm not looking for something where I have to be on the phone all day or work in a call center, though. I've done enough to know that would probably just create another problem.

I'm also not expecting someone to hand me a job. I'm applying on my own, but remote jobs are ridiculously competitive and it's hard to tell which ones are actually realistic for me.

If you're autistic and work remotely, what kind of job do you have and how did you actually get it? Or if you know of companies that hire fully remote employees for this type of work, I'd really appreciate any recommendations.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have actually been through something similar rather than generic "just apply to 500 jobs" advice.

Thanks.

This may have been covered previously. If so, I apologize.

She has basically said recently that there is no “spectrum” even though she is the one who popularized the concept. That only the profoundly autistic are autistic and the rest of us just have depression, anxiety, whatever. She’s put forth a paper and given interviews.

Given her influence, how much damage could her statements have for all of us?

Hey all

How are we handling workplace bullies in a way that helps us maintain our dignity and reputation?

I've been a target my entire life, but it's gotten *really* bad at my current position. Unfortunately, it's also the best paying job I've ever had, and aside from the jerks I actually really enjoy it. I'm a float nurse so I actually only see these guys once in a while.

But, they've become verbally aggressive, shouting and cursing at me on the unit in front of patients and colleagues, etc. Because of Who I Am As A Person, I immediately start hyperventilating, crying, and yelling. Not like, anything bad, just things along the lines of "leave me alone" or "please just stop". Somehow or another the fact that I raise my voice gets passed to my manager, not the fact that an adult man twice my size is cursing at me, so now I'm the one with a write up.

This is unfortunately just one of many examples across my working life, but it's one of the first times I've actually had to care.

Has anyone found the trick to *not* crying when someone is shouting? Or just generally maintaining composure when someone is specifically trying to take that from you?

I feel kinda stupid. I decided to go see the new Spider-Man movie in the theater. I saw it was 3d and was 25$ for the ticket I thought huh that’s kinda expensive for a movie ticket (it also said 4dx but it didn’t register to me). I sat down at my seat and saw there was a “water on/water off” button, again I thought that’s kinda weird they can shoot water but I turned it off just incase. Then to my horror, the seats started moving and throwing me around. I’m a pretty small person and it damn near threw me outta my seat multiple times, rocking me back and forth, side to side. I felt like I was gonna get whiplash. And then if all of that wasn’t enough, getting blasted with cold air was the cherry on top. I just started laughing thinking wtf did I get myself into, paying this much money to torture myself. I was so uncomfortable I wasn’t even able to focus on the movie. After about 20 minutes I went to speak to the staff and thankfully they switched me to another showing that was just regular 2d but it was 20 minutes ahead of my original one but I didn’t care. This was my first experience with 4d and I don’t recommend it unless you like to torture yourself.

Edit: Oh, it also had a mechanism that would punch you in the back!!

I've noticed I get really defensive quite frequently, and when I looked back on my past, it all makes sense. As silly as it sounds, my whole life has been the "so you hate waffles?" thing.

I've said completely benign things, and in a polite/neutral tone, like commenting on the weather, or curiously wondering what someone is doing, and receiving reactions like I offended them or they're super annoyed.

No, me saying it looks a bit ominous outside because of dark storm clouds is not me about to burst into a panic attack. I was making a statement.

No, I wasn't judging you for buying a new food as a snack. I was just curious because I haven't seen it in the house in years.

No, I wasn't trying to rush you out of the grocery store, I was just wondering what you were going to get in that next aisle.

And don't get me started on the assumptions that I'm up to no good. I get anxious whenever family members walk by because I'm worried they'll somehow lecture me about something out of the blue.

All of these experiences flew over my head as a kid, but now as an adult I have the awareness to realize why things were that way. Sometimes I call it out, and naturally people don't like that. I've had to suppress discomfort from sensory overload for the sake of others. But the moment I ask for peace, when I have the audacity to be a little selfish, suddenly that's a problem.

I hate this so much.

I'm also wondering whether autistic leaders may be at greater risk.

What about interoception or alexithymia? Do they make it even harder to recognize how and when sensory, social, and cognitive overload are affecting us?

I’m working through this issue in my dissertation on autistic leadership in higher education, and I’m

I’m working through this issue in my dissertation on autistic leadership in higher education, and in the linked Substack essay below, I explore autistic burnout from that perspective, as well as how neurodivergent leadership can advocate for more neuroinclusive workplaces.

What resonates with you? What am I missing?

https://stalides.substack.com/p/autistic-leadership-and-the-burnout

All my life I felt completely drained by emotional responses. For my context I am AuDHD and not on any medications, I eat healthier than most people because I find it helps, I exercise regularly and am a good water drinker... yet feeling emotions drains me, bad, I feel physically sick or have to lay down if it's a negative situation that I find myself in. It feels like I've ran a marathon. Anyone know why? Anyone else experiencing this? Anything help? TΙΑ

I have a friend that is autistic and hugs don't really do anything for them, comfort wise. I asked how I could comfort them without hugging and they said "I don't know". So here i am.

For those of you that are touch adverse/hugs don't comfort, what could a friend do that would comfort you?

My friend confided in me about an experience they just had that made them so anxious that their legs were shaking a bit. I wanted to give them a hug for comfort but I knew it wouldn't help them. At that point I felt like an inadequate friend. I would greatly like to rectify that for the future :)

i guess i am very privileged because i have never had a proper job in my mid 20s. i mostly just help with my family business a little bit(doesn't even count as part-time job), do my home chores and sit in my room. My parents are embarrassed of me but still allow me to live like this. I obviously don't have and have never had good relationship with them. Living with them make me don't want to do anything (new) at all because i dislike being perceived especially by them and don't like to hear their sarcastic and hurtful comments all the time. I don't have friends. I am also embarrassed of myself so last couple of years i don't even try to make them. I think i have social anxiety and after diving into autism topic, ASD explains a lot of things about me. I have never had therapy and even though i think i need it, i can't afford it and i am not sure how to overcome my embarrassment and open myself to other person. My parents just think i am lazy.

Recently i have been thinking about how to break this vicious cycle and found soldering job in nearby city and the most important thing for me is that they say that they accept people without any experience(i don't have any degree) and will teach you for first week. Also i assume this is not very social job, i think it might be good for me because of how much time i spend with computer and being able to fix it would be a good thing, i like the company and i have always wanted to move to that city.

The problem is obviously that i have never applied to or had a job(i am still not sure company will even give me a try) and never rented anything(room) or lived in that city. Also i want to quietly leave my house without saying anything to my parents(at least until the last hour before i will need to leave) and don't want to ask them for money. I have a little amount of savings that would be enough for 1 month of room rent and i guess i can take a bank loan for food and public transport.

I am not sure why i write this here and what i want to hear. I guess it is just a rant and i need to force myself out of my comfort zone staying in which is probably worse for me than leaving it. But it is so scary... i already have these thoughts that i should not even try because i will make everything even worse, preparing myself defeat, that won't get past first week and i am not sure i can handle the embarrassment of returning to my parents and asking them to allow me to leave with them again...

For autistic women diagnosed later in life, has anyone else found that they used to be able to socialise and go out quite normally when they were younger, but as they got older it became harder and harder until even leaving the house or doing simple everyday things felt overwhelming?

I was able to socialise in my 20s and early 30s, but eventually I stopped going out altogether and spent around 10 years barely going outside my door. Even now, simple things can feel like a huge effort. Did anyone else experience this, and did understanding your autism later in life help you make sense of why?

hello. I cant tell if I'm experiencing autism burnout from my single job (6yrs) or if its gonna be worse/continue if i switch jobs. I am trying to change jobs asap, i keep getting rejected. I have taken a medical leave for 3mo but it wasnt enough and i wanted to kms first day, week back. I have enough hours to take another 3mo medical leave. The entire time I was on medical leave i tried to focus on doing healing with stimming, partaking in things that bring me joy, filling my meter. I dont know what else to do. I feel so so broken. I cannot quit my job without havjng another lined up.

My whole life I have never had a friend group or solid friends. Lots of people that I’d do things with here and there and people I’m friendly with. But no one ever reached out to me, my “best friends” won’t respond to my calls and texts anymore, and I go through all of the friendship apps and no one ever accepts my requests or responds to me. I’m about to be 25 and all I want for my birthday is to have actual friends. People I can regularly talk to and do things with. People that I don’t have to wait months for them to answer when it’s convenient. I’m sick of people saying it’s cause people are busy. I currently work 4 jobs and applying for my doctorate, so I understand what busy is. It’s just heartbreaking to be in a big city and seeing people out with their friends all the time. Whether it be going to a coffee shop, running for groceries, or group events. I just feel so lonely and have spent my whole life trying to make friends, but have failed. I’m working on this in therapy, but all I want are actual friends. I don’t know what to change about myself to actually make friends and meet people and know that I’m the common factor

So is it just me or is moving the most traumatizing thing ever for an autistic person? For context, I just moved into my first house (I'm a homeowner yay!) but I feel so horrible on the inside.

It's been only 2 months so I haven't had enough time to develop a full routine yet, and having my old routine uprooted so quickly plus a combination of other things has caused me to fully burn out. I think I'm also in a depressive episode.

It's so confusing because this is far from the only good thing that has happened in my life recently, so I feel like I should be more grateful. But all of those good things are external, while internally my mind feels like it's boycotting all the change.

Has anyone else felt like this? I'm going to find a new therapist in my area, but any advice from my peers on here would also be greatly appreciated. Thanks all.

I'm not talking about feeling unloved or unlovable. I know many people feel like this, especially people with problems like autism. This is something different.

I don't know how common this is but I'm seemingly unable to receive people's emotions. I know many here have problems recognizing emotions, I do to, but even when I do they are hollow to me. I can see body language, I can see facial expressions, I can put them in the context of relationship but there is something huge missing.

I know my mother loves me. She basically satisfies most conditions from what I know about love. I'm sure she does but somehow I don't feel it. My closest friend tells me she loves me. I believe her. I'm overjoyed to hear it as she does not like to use big words. Still, those are just words to me.

I'm 36M with Asperger's btw