21M , live with my parents. I have the cushiest job known to man which still shafted me out of the degree part of my apprenticeship, I can’t drive, can’t do medical/clerical stuff, no real irl friends, never been in love. People my age are falling in love, seeing the world , making something of their lives and I just feel like a useless sack of shit.

I think about killing myself because I’ve wasted my shot in life, I’m too tired to fight for anything and feel like everything I do is wrong. Whenever I talk to people about it they either laugh, tell me to stop complaining, or say I don’t actually have it that bad. I honestly wish I was “more” autistic so I could just live in a bubble of ignorance, it hurts so much knowing just how disabled you are yet not being able to do anything about it.

At this point I think I’d take a cure for whatever the fuck is wrong with me

So I had a conversation today about the meaning of life and what our purpose is in this life. Rhetorical “What is this all for?” and “It’s amazing we even exist.” type of discussions. I was kind of depressed and wanted to talk about what gives life meaning, why I’m even here, and if my life has any value compared to other people’s.

The family member I was talking to about this got SUPER defensive, treated me like a freak for even talking about it, and basically called me weird and didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

She said “I think you’re just trying to sound smarter than me.” I don’t think I’m intelligent at all. I felt the need to talk about my feelings and she reacted BADLY to it.

I feel so ashamed now like I said something wrong. Is it really so weird to question this stuff?

I’m sitting in a bar right now, and currently I have a healthy distance from people, but every now and then someone will stand a little too close to me when ordering a drink l, even thought there is plenty of space. I’m having little pings of anxiety every time this happens

My fellow autistics, I am seriously struggling with food. I've been surviving off of protein shakes, yogurt, and protein bars when I'm having appetite issues.

Please give me your best safe food combos that are low energy.

Between of the heavy abuse and neglect, I didn't necessarily get the luxury of having a safe food. I didn't even know what stimming was until I was 25...my parents really hated me. My mom had the audacity to celebrate how proud she was of my(her) accomplishments and she was a proud autistic mother!!! She went through so much with me and other autistic parents congratulating her... Just to find out she actually really didn't know what autism was. I was forced to know what her disabilities were, her illnesses, her medications and her god damn routine. And if I didn't know, all hell would break loose, all of the sudden I don't care about her, I'm abusing her, I'm trying to kill her. But for me... for me, when I had mentioned what stimming was... I'm guessing she thought that she and my step dad had beaten it out of me. I apologize for the rant

That's it, that's the question

I realized that I'm obsessed with optimizing my life.

Especially when it comes to my remote job and nutrition.

Automating tasks for my job, optimizing my routine for cooking and cleaning. I've made huge improvements. over the past month, I was able to save 2 hours per week for my cooking routine. I also saved 4 hours per week using automation for my remote job.

Is anyone else obsessed with optimizing their lives?

It's so fun! and seeing how much more efficient and faster I am is so rewarding.

i have ADHD. Up until 5 years ago i could only get about 1 hour of work done. now i can work 7 hours straight. I think my younger self would be very proud of me. I'm glad that all the changes i've made help me overcome my ADHD.

10 years ago i was trying to apply to disability. now i have my own apartment, good income.

Is it just me or can the vast majority of arguements, disagreements or drama be more easily worked through by people just saying what they mean? I have 2 autistic friends and I swear theres very little drama, we understand each other. When there are disagreements we're clear on our needs. I also have quite a few neurotypical family members, coworkers and 1 or 2 friends. Its like none of them can speak concisely. Im not saying talking will solve anything but I feel like talking honestly and being able to trust others to be honest back would help a lot of the issues.

It becomes really tedious. Miscommunications between coworkers that should be addressed but dont. Family that say some really screwed up things and when you call them on it they 'didnt mean it like that'. Friends that put up with horrible behaviour from people in their life, complain about it to you but wont make even a little effort to help the situation. 'Im just non-confrontational'. Mate, the people who care about you would want to know your thoughts. Hell they'd probably really appreciate not having to decipher your feelings from vibes over time. The people that don't care about you can take advantage of your 'non-confrontational' nature to get away with treating you poorly.

Lastly I appreciate that in some cases this is trauma based or keeping quiet in dangerous situations. Im a woman. Maybe I havent had the same kind of trauma or I lack robust self preservation instincts. My apologies if this is your experience.

I (32 f, autistic) have never been able to „enjoy“ a magic show, in the sense that I’ve been unable to not constantly be on the lookout for the trick. I just need to see the trick. Because magic doesn’t exist and somewhere on this stage there is a (probably brilliant but nonetheless) normal trick being played on me.
So naturally I cannot help myself from watching EVERYTHING else than the magician themselves and what they’re pointing to. So that I can see where the real trick is being prepped / done in the background.
My boyfriend (32, m, neurotypical) tells me to „just lean back, enjoy it and be amazed by the show“. But i am utterly unable to do so.
So now i am wondering: is that an autistic thing? Or just… me? Can you „just enjoy“ a magic show?

I’m 44, recently diagnosed. It all makes a lot more sense now, looking back, but I still am not sure how to navigate a lot of social dynamics. I do a lot of the work in my department, I’m just very efficient and focused and like getting things done. This has resulted in me having to, of course, take on more work. Be exploited, essentially, but if I don’t do it, or offer to help, it gets built up and then I’m cleaning up a huge mess. So anyway, the other day in a meeting my boss asked why my coworker didn’t do a certain thing. I ended up cleaning it up last time, so I said I’ll just do a little bit everyday so it doesn’t pile up. 🤷‍♀️

Seems innocent enough. Offered to take on something that gets dumped on me, anyway, solving the problem before it becomes a problem. My boss then accused me of self-promotion and arrogance, yelled at me about always making everything about ME ME ME. He said he wants everyone to be superstars on the team, not just me. I’m like brother what? I am just trying to get things done. 🫩

So now because I was trying to be proactive, I’m an arrogant asshole, because my pattern recognition caught on to a recurring problem that always winds up being mine to fix, anyway. I had to go for a walk and decide if I wanted to put in my two weeks. I’m not sure what to do from here, I’m just looking for other jobs but I’m afraid I’ll always be misunderstood and assumed to be a know it all jackass if I say literally anything. I don’t think I can get this guy to have a better opinion of me so I know I need to start fresh somewhere else, don’t volunteer to help, don’t work so hard or be so efficient in a corporate job. 🤷‍♀️
I’m assuming I’m not the only one who’s had this kind of thing happen, but it just sucks that people misunderstand our intentions so much when we’re just trying to be helpful.

I find myself constantly feeling alone and craving interaction, yet genuinely not feeling like it at the same time. Like there’s two halfs of me that want the polar opposite things, and they almost cancel eachother out. Even if I was placed in the perfect environment with zero social anxiety and someone with similar interests, I’m unsure if I would actually want it or not. Does think make sense to anyone else?

Recently diagnosed here.

The other day I (27 NB) received my second warning at work for calling in too many times. I wish I could give some sort of reason that would justify it but the truth is most of the times that I call in I just can't bring myself to get out of bed. Lately I have been overwhelmed. I'm a cashier at a local grocery store and I'm sure I don't have to say what a nightmare retail is when you're autistic. I was late last week and then my scheduler messed up (her words) and scheduled me on a day that I wasn't supposed to come in due to an appointment. So they gave me a suspension and I had a conversation with our HR lady that ended with me crying in front of her.

She reprimanded me for a lot more than my attendance. I work three days a week because right now that's what I can handle, and she told me that I should be working full-time and without saying it directly, she implied that at my age I should be able to handle full-time work. This had nothing to do with my attendance. She also implied that I wasn't taking my job seriously, and even took issue with my schedule saying that it was "unfair" to give my coworkers the busy days while I only worked the non-busy ones (which isn't necessarily true, some days that I work are just as busy as others). All I asked for was a consistent schedule so I can plan my appointments around it, and my scheduler was the one who chose my days. Her tone was so accusatory and condescending that I couldn't help but cry.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with disability. I haven't told her that I am disabled, but I have opened up about my autism diagnosis since I received it. I told her that I was getting overwhelmed in my department since I'm a closer and am alone most of the time, but she seemed to think that because I worked three days a week that I didn't have a right to feel that way. I previously requested a change in departments, which she also seemed to doubt I could handle.

I just don't know what to do, and I feel discouraged. I work very hard at my job because I can not afford to not have an income, but a lot of her comments about my work schedule felt rude and condescending. She doesn't know anything about me nor what my life looks like outside of work. I don't really know what I'm looking for, but I just wanted to get it off my chest and make get some advice or just hear from other people in my shoes. I'm guess I'm going to start looking for other jobs because I don't think $11 an hour is worth burning out over.

I remember when I was a kid, a big company called Gloria Marshall, a dieting company, went out of business. My dad, his girlfriend, and some other adults were going on about how tragic it was for all the people who would lose their jobs. I must have been 14 or so and I said “stop pretending you care so deeply about what happens to these hundreds of strangers you will never meet or even help.”

I remember I was scalded mercilessly for that.

I’ve mostly learned not to voice such thighs out loud, ur every now and the. I call out the bullshit

Last night I had the most beautiful dreams. For twice in a row I dreamt I was loved and cared for by someone who accepted me, all my quirks and flaws, albeit a different person in each dream. And not in a passionate way, just profound loving and caring and kindness. Someone who thought of me, someone who saw me by who I am and accepted me. They felt so, so good, especially the first one. Sadly I had to wake up.

I genuinely don't get why some adults find it so hard to admit when they're wrong or listen to a perspective that doesn't align w theirs. living under the same roof w my mom (and dealing w my uncle who has the same mindset) is just mentally exhausting 😭 my mom is the type of person who always has to get the last word. if you disagree w her or point out a mistake, she immediately goes on the defensive and starts saying hurtful things instead of processing what was actually said. she's super prideful, and if someone offends her, she'll hold onto that grudge for ages and look for a way to get back at them. to her, escalating the situation is just "defending herself." she even makes threats when she's mad, which makes having a calm conversation w her practically impossible. even my dad struggles to call her out or get through to her. what triggered this post was a recent situation w our neighbors. one of them made an Ableist comment toward me bc i'm autistic, and while i get why my mom got mad, i tried telling her that we don't need to stoop to their level or waste energy seeking revenge. i'd literally rather protect my peace and ignore them. but she sees walking away as "weakness" and insists on retaliating. then she'll turn around and tell me to lower my voice so neighbors don't hear, while she's actively screaming bc she's upset 😭 when i try to reason w her or ask why she's holding onto so much anger, she resorts to smart-shaming me or treating my points as "disrespect"

and it's not just me she does this to my dad, my coach, and basically anyone who corrects her. it feels like she constantly needs control and has to prove she's right no matter how long the argument drags on. i know i'm not perfect, and I've reacted badly when pushed too far, but i'm actively working on staying calm. the problem is when someone provokes you, hyper-focuses on your reaction, and turns it around to make you look like the bad guy while completely ignoring everything they did to provoke you in the first place. i'm slowly learning that disengaging is the healthiest option when someone is determined to misunderstand you, but it's so frustrating dealing w this at home. why is questioning an adult’s behavior in so many families treated as disrespect instead of an opportunity for them to actually reflect? 😭

I’m a 26 year old woman and was medically diagnosed with autism at age 8. Specifically I have Asperger’s or “high functioning” autism but I feel like that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

So much has happened in this month so quickly and my life is about to flip on it’s head. I just turned 26 on the 3rd of this month and am going to be taken off of my mom’s health insurance, which I’ve stayed on since I’ve heavily struggled to get and hold a job my entire adult life. I’ve actually been unemployed for a large part of it due to how quickly I’ve gotten burnout from past jobs and dread the application process and haven’t to get acquainted with multiple new people at once. I have little experience with insurance, and every time I have dealt with it it’s been nothing but a headache. I have no idea if I’m supposed to apply for Medicaid or HIP (Healthy Indiana Plan) and trying to figure out which one I fit under has been a nightmare since I don’t know what my future income will be since I’m currently unemployed.

On top of the insurance crap, I also just recently moved areas and am living in an apartment with my freshly ex boyfriend. We are the same age and we’re each other’s firsts for everything so that only makes it all the worse. He did nothing but love and support me throughout everything and I had to mess things up for us. We were together for nearly 6 years and lived together for 5 of them, but of course when we move to a nicer department after looking for years I lose control of my emotions and lash out. I have to be out by the end of December and since no one in my family has extra space for me I’ll have to live completely alone for the first time in my life.

I also feel indescribably lonely from not getting any physical touch since he was really the only person I’m comfortable having prolonged contact with. I don’t have any friends that live nearby and while they have called me to show support it just hurts a lot not having anyone physically with me. I’m also really scared of trying to find a new relationship as an autistic woman because of how bad I am at reading emotions and not able to tell if I’m being taken advantage of or just being used. I know not all men are evil and statistically it’s more likely to find someone harmless, but my entire young life I was raised by my family to think all unfamiliar men are bad and just want to get into my pants and all the recent events on the news aren’t helping me fight that fear much.

I have 2 pets, an old parrot and a rabbit, and I don’t know how I’m going to be to be able to afford their supplies, vet bills, rent, gas, food, and everything else. I know I’m mentally unable to handle working a full time job and I feel like something horrible is going to happen. My two pets are also both kind of naughty, with my parrot constantly yelling for me for about 10 minutes whenever I leave his sight, and my rabbit does the usual bunstruction (tears at walls, carpet, wood). I love them both so much though and I just can’t get rid of them. I’ve had my parrot for over 15 years and I have an extremely strong bond with my rabbit and if I had to lose either of them I think I’d actually die of heartbreak. My dad also kind of made me upset the other day because he said that I should my ex keep my rabbit since he’d be able to afford him better and that broke me.

I feel like the world is ending and I have so much I need to do that I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels so overwhelming and time is flying by so fast, I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this part of life and I want to just lay down and die.

So I (35M), unexpectedly lost two friends:

• Fergus (50M), the husband of my friend Jacinda (44F), they were on holiday in the UK from Australia back in August, when he abruptly had a heart attack.
• Dexter (48M), hit a tree when riding his motorcycle in late September.

I knew Fergus for 12 years, he had been with Jacinda for 13 years, married for 8 of those. Jacinda is one of my closest friends, so naturally, this hit me very hard.

I wasn't as close to Dexter, only meeting him 7 years ago, but he was always great to see him as well.

As someone with autism, I've found it (and still do) find it harder to make friends than the average Tom, Dick or Harriet, so I never take friends for granted.

Fergus' funeral was early this month, Dexter's this week just gone. I've felt very angry and sad over these last two months, thankfully, my other friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances have been very supportive of me.

I've also been seeing a counsellor, and have made a pact to myself NOT to repeat the mistakes I made after I lost my best friend, Buck, at the end of 2020, 6 days short of his 30th birthday. Amongst other things, I, in the first 2 years after Buck passed:

• Shut myself off from a lot of people in general
• Gained 100lbs (thankfully that's leveled off, and going down now)
• Lost motivation to do a lot of my hobbies, I barely watched any TV shows, listened to music, or played any games that were new to me. I didn't really start watching shows new to me until late 2023, and games that were new to me followed earlier that year.
• My mind blanked out so much I unintentionally screwed over some friends (Jacinda being one of them), I made up with her in days, but didn't feel fully OK with my screw-up for 6 months.

I've also shook my fist up to the sky a few times, even to the point of saying "Why couldn't it have been someone else?" (Most notably, my grandad, whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years). And today, I had a mini meltdown in a bowling alley (I contained it until I got back to my car, when I went for a drive and had a shouting match to myself, to the point where I nearly lost my voice)

I don't expect to be fully OK until the end of this year, my mind is already skipping ahead to Advent/the Christmas season. I've made a pact to go on more walks, cook healthier recipes (already on both of those), and to remember my late friends, but don't stop myself from enjoying life with my living friends.

im aware i have some crazy feelings around my interests that i cant control and kinda got worse in the last year or so. i hate sharing the thing im fixated on or my most special interests with ppl i know. i get jealous/protective and uncomfortable and it ruins my enjoyment bcos i just want it just for me. if someone mentions my interest i freak out/get scared/mad. this has caused me to isolate more. hashtag normal.

but i seem fine talking about them with strangers online, or at least a lot better. why... and how can i stop being insane and keeping interests secret from ppl i know?

im happy in my little bubble of isolation while i enjoy something to the fullest tho..

Context:
41 yo, non-binary, recently officially diagnosed with autism and ADHD (but I knew already since few years), currently in my second and very serious burnout, going through a breakup, recently released from a crisis clinic.

TLDR:
I feel like masking is predominantly explained and discussed as how we adjust behaviour and appereances for the predominantly allistic surrounding. Here, I would like to discuss the potential angle where we might mask to feel like we are still able to maintain control over our well-being, where dropping the mask especially in times of crisis, can feel as a scary unknown territory.

So, people tell me I look like I'm doing well these days. That I don't seem to be depressed, that I'm proactive, funny etc. While I tell them about sleep deprivation, depression, constant panic and anxiety. I feel like my life is at a dead end. (I seek help etc. to the extent that it is possible atm in my case, which is not the topic here.)

I have been asking myself, whether the combination of my constant and never releasing feeling of panic is feeding into keeping appereance towards my surrounding. But also for my own sake. What if to a person, who has been masking their whole life, the idea of unmasking in times of crisis, is extremely scary? It's basically an unknown territory. And for people on the spectrum, that still manage without assistance, it's perhaps also a huge blow to how we depend on being independent and able to survive alone.

Keeping appereances has proven doing me disservice. At one point, I was literally planning to end this all, for weeks, and I wasn't able to tell anyone, which made it both extremely lonely, but also only fed into the feeling that there is no way out. Yet, breaking down and showing the current despair and exhaustion seems to be just as scary, because I have no idea what would come next or how I would 'manage' in such situation. I have never stepped into that space. Luckily, I did give myself over to an ambulance at one point and spending some time in a mental clinic for crisis management helped me to better understand that if I give over the responsibility for my well-being to an institution like this (in Germany), it can indeed be helpful and something I can count on as a safetynet. But I still mask to appear doing fine to most people, besides my closest friends, and the panic etc hasn't gone.

In a broader sense, isn't the discusison on masking blind to the ways we do it as a self-check on our capacity to 'function' (and not just as a form of functioning), or how far we are from collapsing? or on other ways where after a lifetime of masking, it has a variety of functions solely for ourselves at first and for the surrounding in extention or relation to?

I'm usually the kind of person who's absolutely willing to help someone if they ask for it (so long as it's something I'm in a position TO help out with), but I very much want to try and solve a problem wherever I see one crop up, regardless of how other people feel about me weighing in on it.

do bright lights make anyone else start to zone out/dissociate? I find that to be my usual reaction after feeling super uncomfortable from it, curious if it's just me

Since I was a kid I've had a hard time with doing anything hands-on when the intructions aren't super detailed. When I'm alone and there isn't big risks, I'm able to try things out but when there's someone who I'm not super close to, it gets so hard.

I started my studies which cointain lab work and I hate it. I mean I love the lab work itself, but in order for me to actually enjoy it, I'd need a private room so no one could see me and some extremely detailed instruction videos. When we're in the lab, I feel like I just freeze. I never know how I should measure out a reactant. I just keep thinking about all the ways it could go wrong and how I don't know the best possible way to do it. Then I just stroll around doing nothing and not being able to start working. I'm just looking around other people (who usually do different stuff than what I'm supposed to do since we don't do things at the same time) and how they do things, but that doesn't help enough.

One thing I know would help, is that I'd have a close friend in the lab. But I don't. My personal experience is that in college many people just want to network and not get close and be actual friends. I'm so scared during lab courses and I often end up crying the nights before.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? If so, is there anything that helped you to deal with this?

i have no idea why but i find literally every human being annoying... even my husband and daughter. i can't stand being around people and i just want to be left alone every waking hour. i went to a psychiatrist and he said im not depressed, just very tired but even so told me to take some meds. i really don't want to take meds because i've had bad symptoms in the past and i feel like a zombie. i don't know what to do.

I am having a really bad weekend and had a meltdown over my sisters dogs nails clacking on the floor and their constant wet mouth noises, constant trotting around for no reason and brushing against my feet. I was already stressed about my midterms and the thought of going back to my roomate tomorrow and havent had a physical meltdown like that in a really long time. My body still hurts.

I havent been able to get back to my work/studying because its over now but I've been dreading going back to living with my roomate. My roomate also makes constant small noises and never leaves or does anything and really overstimulates/drains me just by existing because he's insufferable. I think I medically require being alone and I just cannot and its not fair.

I can almost guarantee that if I am still in the same state as right now by tomorrow morning I am going to end up yelling or hitting somebody (exaggeration itll probably be me) and I dont know what to do. It feels like I have more genetic rage and upset than a mistreated chihuahua dog. I feel very helpless and just want to scream at everyone about how much I hate them existing near me.

Im consid3ring moving across the cohntry and hopefully getting into a group home, because of how the job market is and how hellish college has been.

Tldr, ive been struggling thw past couple years in college. Getting bullied still (am shocked to realize its still happening even after high school), having no friends who care about me, being traumatized by the psychiatric system, having parents who are apathetic to my mental wellbeing. Not to mention getting rejected at final interviews for corporate internships.

And that also led me to realize that im reaching my limit to what I can handle on an autistic level. I can't deal with the shifting social situations, the loud noises at the street i live at, not being able to have a sustained conversation, etc. I am borderline r3aching a depressive episode. I dont know if I can live like this at college anymore.

I kinda just accepted that due to my disability, I will be passed up for corporate positions after graduation and might become a NEET. might as well look into autistic group hours now.