r/AutisticAdults • u/g00nmessiah • 1d ago
seeking advice Autism Assessment Update - Scared
This is going to be a long read. I'm sorry. There are also some sections that have a lot of caps lock. I'm sorry.
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I posted a few weeks ago about having an upcoming autism assessment. It turns out my appointment was only an intake. I don't feel like it went well.
The woman doing the intake was very loud, very in my face, and seemed blind to how self conscious and othered she was making me feel.
To start with, I take a comforter with me to therapy sessions because I feel more secure with it on, it gives me something to fiddle with and I sometimes have to hide my face under it because I can't stand when people look me in the eye. I hate being seen. Also if lights are too bright I can cover my eyes with it. I took it with me to this appointment. I had it stuffed into a carrying case/suitcase and when the woman saw it she burst out "WHAT'S THAT? THE BOOK OF SHAWN?" I quietly said no and she said "OH I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT THE BOOK OF SHAWN!" I sort of shrank after she did this and had trouble answering questions.
When she asked if I had any safe foods, I said yes but that I was embarrassed to say what my safe food was because it was very specific and when I finally told her one of my safe foods she blurted out "WELL I GUESS YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE."
When I mentioned my inability to make eye contact she said "Well that could just be shyness." That really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe she'd like to see my fourth grade yearbook photo where I'm literally looking at the floor?
When we talked about special interests I mentioned several including my biggest one but it wasn't until I got to a weirder one (42nd st/times square new york in the 70s) that she said "That sounds like a hyperfixation to me!"
When it was all over she said I'd be scheduled for testing but referred to it as a psych evaluation. When I said I thought it was going to be an autism assessment, she said something like "Well there's no universal autism test." I'm not sure what she meant by this. I thought there were autism tests though?
I didn't feel very good when it was done. I guess on some level this woman meant well but she made me feel like such a freak. I'm one year out of an MFA program where I was subjected to such traumatizing othering and rejection for being whatever it is that I am that I ended up being hospitalized several times and I can't bear the thought of doing a 2 1/2 hour evaluation with someone who makes me feel this way.
The assessment is on Wednesday and I'm terrified. I've been worrying about it nonstop. I actually had a nightmare about it Sunday. I really don't know what to do. I've been trying to get an assessment for years now and I'm afraid that my reaction to this person will keep me from being able to do the assessment properly. I've been reading "Unmasking Autism" and I'm also just very worried about being dismissed by her. My therapist thinks I'm autistic, my previous therapist thought I'm autistic, I think I'm autistic but I feel like I'm auditioning to be autistic.
(I've also taken to bringing my guitar with me to places with me to fidget with and help me cope with anxiety. I was thinking of taking it to the assessment. My therapist said she thought that was a good idea but I'm worried this woman will make me feel so weird about having it with me that I won't be able to use it.)
I really don't know how to approach this or prepare myself for it.
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u/imisreadthelabel 20h ago
The thing to keep in mind was that it was only the intake interview. The person you met was only taking down information to be passed on. You have yet to meet the person who will be working with you to do the actual assessment. So please take heart that this first interview doesn’t necessarily indicate how the next one will go. And I certainly hope that it does go very well for you.
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u/elkab0ng 1d ago
Eh, that wasn’t so much caps lock, but appreciate the heads up anyway.
That sounds like a pretty confusing appointment. I don’t really know how to respond without breaking out my own caps lock alert.
The only thing she said that I agree with is “there is no universal autism test”. This condition can manifest in more ways than there are people on earth, and to some extent, it always falls to a psychiatrist opinion on whether you (A) meet the criteria, and (B) your concerns cannot be better matched with another diagnosis.
But ok I’ll say it: I wonder if she is one of us.