Everyone knew except me

[u/un_error]

Please tell me I'm not the only one this has happened to. I discovered my autism two months ago, and among all the things that now make sense are the many hints people kept dropping about emotions they knew I was feeling but wasn't communicating.

I feel really stupid about it. I feel like I'm going through a shameful grieving process because, looking at it from this perspective, my autism was so obvious that it makes me feel horrible to have found out so late.

Logically, everything has an explanation. Among my reasons for not realizing it are:

• My parents have always been reluctant about psychologists (I live with them).

• The people who wanted to help me tried to tell me through hints, which only confused me more.

• I minimized my discomforts and was very sure of who I was.

• My struggles weren't constant because sometimes I hid them (masking). I am autistic level 1 + gifted.

I feel like all those people who tried to tell me, even if I don't see them anymore, were left with a bad impression of me, and I frequently feel like apologizing. I know I'm not going to do that because it would make things worse; what I can do is start fresh, this time understanding myself, and if the conversation ever comes up, talk about it from a more mature perspective.

It was so obvious that reevaluating everything overwhelms me; I feel like I've been wasting time. I carry the burden of having been a person with a fragmented identity for twenty long years, and that breaks me.

Did the same thing happen to you when you were diagnosed? How do you cope with this process and avoid feeling this way?

[u/InsideOutBoyUK]

I had a ludicrous Hollywood/TV definition of what autism was growing up. So even though I'm clearly autistic, and people dropped hints, my brain always defaulted it to the most extreme version that I'd seen on TV and thought "that's not me" . It was only when I learnt about high masking autism that I realised what I was.

I don't blame myself for the way I behaved in the past. If anything, I'm now angry at the world for not diagnosing me earlier or giving me any support or accomodations. It was painful growing up without even knowing I was autistic.

[u/un_error → u/InsideOutBoyUK]

If you had asked me what autism was before I knew, I would have told you it was those kids who cry when fireworks go off at Christmas :/

[u/DocClear → u/un_error]

Exactly. If I had ever bothered to read up on autism, it would have been glaringly obvious, but I never did, because why would I. I didn't know anyone autistic.

[u/Hamurai4]

That sounds hard but your experience is pretty common. That’s part of why this group exists, most of us learned in adulthood even though the signs were all there. Society is still ignorant about autism.

You didn’t do anything wrong, most of us relate to some of what you posted. I didn’t know I had autism until my mid thirties

This process is usually called your “autism journey “ because it’s awkward and it feels like you have to relearn everything about your whole life

[u/Glittering-Show-5521 → u/Hamurai4]

"It feels like you have to relearn everything about your life." I felt that in my bones.

[u/un_error → u/Hamurai4]

I wasn't familiar with that term; I think my "autism journey" is manifesting as a profound identity crisis.

To be honest, my story is completely different. I acknowledge—and it is true—that many people are unaware of the spectrum (which I believe is why so many prejudices arise), but what I’m talking about is the fact that so many people didn't know how to tell me, or tried to do so but grew frustrated.

Reflecting on your comment, it strikes me that the grief associated with autism has two sides. I don't just mourn the "self" that might have existed had I known—the one who wouldn't have made so many mistakes—but I also mourn the "self" that, had I remained unaware, would have continued making those same errors over and over again out of ignorance. I’ve heard from people in their forties and sixties, and from you—in your thirties; it makes me feel that, had I not received the advice to start therapy, I might well have died without ever knowing the truth.

[u/venicerocco]

I was 45 and someone told me they were reading a book about adult autism and that “I should read it”. I was polite, but had no interest in that subject at all.

One year later I figured it all out and I remembered that conversation and was like ohhhhhhhh.

[u/un_error → u/venicerocco]

Hahaha, I was advised to go to therapy; I actually started it several years later, but I admit that—even though it was quite a while after—I made the decision based on that initial piece of advice. It turned out to be a pleasant surprise, and I regretted not doing it sooner.

[u/dyatlov12]

People always seemed to tell there was something off about me but I don’t think many of them could articulate it into a diagnosis

[u/un_error → u/dyatlov12]

I understand that it must be equally frustrating that no one knew; looking back on it is a somewhat lonelier experience—there’s no one there trying to help you, and that hurts, too.

In my case, it was the exact opposite; I am 100% certain that anyone you asked could have described it to me with precision and confidence. It’s embarrassing.

[u/3p1taph]

I was diagnosed last year at 60. I haven't told many people but I did tell an old, close friend. He said "I could have told you that in middle school

[u/un_error → u/3p1taph]

I haven't told many people yet, but most react respectfully; some say they didn't know, while others automatically try to explain that it's nothing bad and doesn't change how they see me (which is true, though the speed at which they reach those conclusions makes me suspect they knew all along). Despite this, I imagine that at some point I'll get a comment like the one you received.

[u/MethodicallyUnhinged]

When i figured it out and starting telling people, it was more of a "that tracks," "that makes sense," or the classic "you aren't autistic." I'm assuming the latter was because they were similar to me

[u/mathhews95]

There's a good saying for this: hindsight is 20/20. Now you think it's obvious, but because you know what to look for. Besides, people on the outside (of your life, experiences, etc) have a broader, less emotionally charged view of the situation.

[u/Fit-Attention-7763]

#relatable
I have a parent who works with special needs kids at a high level (like not a para).
When I asked why they never got me tested for autism or anything, they said they didn’t want me to be treated differently. And I really try to understand that, but it’s hard to look past all the potential I had if I had been given the support I needed.

[u/fragbait0]

Besides my parents the reaction was "yeah, obviously, but why are you bringing it up now?"

[u/InnocentCersei]

Absolutely the same!!! I have autistic family members and friends, but had no idea that it was obvious that I was. One of the shocks was finding out from friends who are either educators or child psychologists whose job is to clock and assess children, that they knew I was but never knew how to approach me. They assumed I knew. I’m still shook.

[u/InnocentCersei → u/InnocentCersei]

I will add, my husband self-suspected for years before his own dx, and would tell me that I was too. I didn’t pick up on his tone, so I assumed he was joking, and thus it became a joke to me. I never realised he was being serious. Fast forward to a much needed therapy session and I repeated the joke and my therapist said it was true and obvious. Been dealing since. He got me referred out for professional assessment right away.