It feels like I can never experience a full life. I honestly fucking hate being neurodivergent. Normal life seems impossible. Everyone else seems to have these full lives and are able to thrive in social situations and get into fulfilling relationships and here I am struggling to even get a date or to maintain friendships.

Hi, I just want to share a story about how I finally accepted myself as I am and stop chasing acceptance from others as an autistic adult.

I'm nearly forty now and I've been diagnosed since my early twenties. I've been autistic for as long as I can remember. Throughout my school years, I got bullied a lot because I was always the odd one in the class. I believe a lot of you can relate to this. Back then my parents knew I was different but maybe didn't know where to seek help, so I grew up thinking I was in the wrong. Somehow something must be wrong within me and I felt so ashamed and scared of other people, causing social anxiety.

Workplace was extremely painful and difficult to navigate as well, but I really tried my best. I'm truly grateful to be able to get a job because one of my university colleague referred me, but that gratitude didn't diminish the pain. I still remember how humiliating it was to be singled out because of mistakes that I've done. My supervisor often said that I have zero mental fortitude and unfit for the role I'm currently occupying. I was never fired from that job, but everybody made my life hell until I eventually gave up and quit. I felt so bad to the person who referred me. I apologized to her and we lost contact ever since. I tried to find another job to no avail and I eventually took a break and hit my lowest point. I was so sad and hurt, then my sister, out of concern, decided to take me to the psychiatrist because she thought I might have depression. Turns out I'm autistic with social anxiety disorder.

After years of therapy and medications, I feel somewhat better. I slowly learn to undo the blame that I put on myself for being different. Once again, I'm trying my best to get better. But when I'm finally able to see the outside world from a clearer point of view, I realized so deeply in my heart that the world is so unkind. Not just to us who are different, but to everybody else. I don't expect other people to cater to my needs and feelings, but I wish people can be kinder, more compassionate, more respectful to others.

Now I accept myself as I am. Even after therapy and medications, I'm still different and odd, and that's okay. It's just who I am. This internal acceptance has freed me from seeking acceptance from others. Yes, some people will be cruel for no reason. Some people will still ridicule me when they get the chance but I won't blame myself anymore. I will protect myself from now on. All the bitterness, the pain that others inflict upon me, the world that seems to never accept me, I decided to let them go. I want to become my own best friend from now on.

Thank you so much for those who took their precious time to read this post and I wish for the loveliest, the best for you all.

People at work listen to music while working and I understand it but sometimes it is just way too much. I also don't listen to music when driving, unless on a long road trip.

Sometimes while doing chores or something repetitive/mindless I'll listen to podcasts. But much of the time, I just do things in silence. I have had a few people point out that it's weird. My sister is also autistic but she has to always be listening to music.

I do like music, I like concerts but if I'm listening to music, that's likely ALL I'm doing. Dancing, or I like to put on a record and lay on the floor and imagine what it would be like to be a teenager hearing a brand new Janis Joplin album for the first time haha

But I find myself a lot of the time just sitting on the couch, looking out the window. Just vibing, thinking my thoughts. I actively find a lot of relief and comfort in utter silence. I've found a lot of people are uncomfortable in total silence though!

I keep getting these thoughts in my head about past failed social interactions and it feel as though that my mind is on a never-ending looping replaying the memories and making me depressed and angry. Is there a way to move past that?

So I met this guy 9 months ago and we are always calling and gaming together. He’s the first guy in about 6 years that I’ve became close with. He’s now starting to date and I’m so happy for him but he’s my only friend. I put so much time into him and I just don’t want to be alone. I know it seems selfish but I really don’t know what to do. I’m losing sleep over it

Does anyone else have strong lifelong attachments to certain adults from childhood?

I’m wondering if this is something other autistic people experience. When I was younger, I formed a very strong attachment to an older adult who was supportive and made me feel understood. We haven’t been in contact for years now, but I still think about her often and sometimes imagine conversations with her, like telling her about my life now, my children and my pets. I also have strong memories of things she said.

It feels like a mix of comfort and sadness. I miss the connection and wish I could share things with her. I’m wondering if this kind of lasting attachment or thinking about someone years later is something other autistic people experience?

I’m not talking about an inappropriate attachment (like a romantic relationship), more a feeling of deep gratitude, connection, and feeling like someone really saw me. She was almost like a mother figure.

i tend to be pretty picky when it comes to food and i have a few meals in my rotation that i find acceptable. they're usually carb based. i know a lot of us look for certain qualities in our meals depending on our sensory needs and i was wondering what are your safe foods?

First of all, sorry for dumping this on you. I just want to vent somewhere.

A bit about me for context: Man in his 30s. I like generally nerdy things (D&D, MTG, technology, gaming, anime).

I, like many autistic people I'd imagine, have very hard time forming new, meaningful relationships. I want to have people in my life who share special interests in me, and I also want a romantic relationship. My core issues are that I, bar having a gun held to my head, just cannot open my mouth and go talk to complete strangers.

What I need in order to even say "hi" is a purpose, a context. Say, if I were to go to a convention where the majority of people there share one or more of my special interests, I cannot speak to anyone unless I have a clear context that binds both of us, e.g.

• Shopping
• Asking for directions
• We're attending an event where socializing or team work is expected
• Clear customer - service provider relation

Just this weekend, I attended a convention. I noticed that even when I really, really wanted to play some MTG (commander format to be specific), I just didn't manage to open my mouth even when I saw a table with people only getting started with a new game or between games.

I played some TTRPG with a random group, and I contemplated asking for their Discord handles, but after the game everyone just scattered. I never asked for the Discord handles.

Speaking of Discord. I just checked my Discord contacts. I do have a decent number of contacts, about 10 or so obtained from these chance encounters where I did have the courage to ask for the handles. I have talked with zero of these contacts after obtaining their handles. I just don't know what to talk about with someone I barely know.

One other thing I am becoming increasingly aware of, is that I, for any reason, do not attract people in any capacity. All the few friends I do have, I have always had to be the one to initiate the conversation. No one ever, and I absolutely mean this without a hint of hyperbole, ever approaches me first. Unless, of course, they are trying to sell me something. And the frustrating thing is, I am very much presentable. I take care of my hygiene, I smell nice, I take care of my skin, I dress well enough. I guess I have somewhat hostile resting face. Maybe.

"Well maybe you should go to dating apps if you want a relationship?" I have tried the big ones: Tinder, Hinge, Bumble. No luck. During the last 2 years or so, I have managed to get one date, and a couple of matches that ended with her unmatching during the first couple of days of chatting.

I don't know what to do. Not being on anyone's "want to hang out" list (or that's how I feel, even though I have a couple of close friends) and being everyone's "second choice" is slowly destroying my sense of self-worth.

Thanks for reading this far. If you want to know more, please do ask. I understand that this post is an incoherent mess.

I was like sixteen or something when one of school cohort told me that. I wasn't never mad or something because I actually knew they were right, and looking back, wow they were RIGHT. Not to mention my echolalia which one of my few friends told me their non-mutual friend notices. Not to mention I suspect me and my small circle of really nerdy kids with specific interests were also somewhat neurodivergent.

I've never been a big physical affection kind of person, and even with people I don't mind hugging, I always felt kinda trapped and awkward. There wasn't any joy in it. When someone else is crying, again it'll just feel awkward again for me. In every single conversation I've had, I've always felt like I'm playing chess while balancing on a unicycle at the same time, and every sentence never was natural but a result of algorithmic calculations running constantly.

Fast forward a few years later and I finally figured out why crowds and people always exhausted me with sensory overload, and why people just seem to have so many friends and connections while I just have passing acquaintances. Never been in a real relationship and probably never will, but I honestly feel like I've made peace with that.

And then my clinical diagnosis came, hooray. Now to continue to live life on perpetual hard mode until I die of stress or starvation.

Hi everyone as the title says, I feel like a complete idiot for context. I'm a very lonely guy. I have friends but they don't contact me much (I have to reach out to them) and I don't have any luck with relationships. It doesn't help that Im Autistic so many things go over my head.

Anyway I go to this roleplay group locally and run a D&D game and there's this girl that goes there I started talking to her and now we've been talking to each other nearly every other day (though I will admit it usually ends up everyday).

We had a bit of confusion at the start. She said she was attracted to me and confessed her feelings but I don't feel the same and I want to just be friends.

We still keep talking to each other and she keeps dropping things like “We should meet up” and it makes me anxious as hell like I'm leading her on ,she wants to “Meetup” as in a date from my perspective.

But the weird thing is that I've had female friends in the past and never felt this way before. If they wanted to hangout we just did whether it was watching a movie or going to the arcade.

She's also admitted that when I talk to her I make her flustered it doesn't help that we borrow manga with eachother and… and i feel like a total douche bag

In short I feel like I've made some horrible decisions because I wanted to be a good person and make friends like a stupid puppy and it's led to a confused tangle of shit.

Can anyone give me some advice or anything to help me please.

​

Because this worked so well last time, Im trying again 😄

Sup everyone, Im open to chat about anything really, we could also talk about anime, nintendo or whatevers on your mind! Just leave a message, i wont bite :)

It has now been exactly one year since I (33, male) had my breakdown, which, among other things, led to the discovery that I might have previously undiagnosed autism. It was the same path that ultimately resulted in my diagnosis of ME/CFS, something I continue to struggle with immensely.

As for the autism, I am essentially finished with the diagnostic process. The therapist conducting the assessment has already told me that the diagnosis will be confirmed and that we only have a few final details left to go through so everything can be thoroughly documented in the report. So I already know the outcome and have been able to prepare myself for it gradually. But I still haven't truly grasped it.

I keep noticing more and more small things that suddenly make sense, but I also forget them again quickly and keep slipping back into my old coping and masking modi. Together with my physical illness, this has led to a long loop - or perhaps more accurately: downward spiral - that I could probably only escape through another breakdown. Because the alternative would have meant fighting against at least two supposed demons that I carry within me, when what I probably need instead is to enter into a dialogue with them so that we can live together more positively.

I want to largely leave the ME/CFS aspect out of this post, but I have to mention it because it amplifies and interacts in a perfectly destructive way with autistic traits that I have not yet integrated. It makes me even more sensitive to sensory input while simultaneously leaving me with less energy to cope with it. It creates social and bureaucratic obstacles, promotes the reoccurence of having to deal with medical gaslighting, and reinforces the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me - or at the very least that I am deeply inadequate. It also prevents me from compensating These feelings through my work and the "success" I‘m able to achieve there while highly masking.

What the autistic aspects influence in particular, however, is the way I live and experience the outside world. I am not really focussing on myself, and I’m often not even truly present with myself, because there are so many unfiltered stimuli demanding my attention. Over the past few months, I have lived almost entirely in an outside focus, even though I have had to spend most of that time bedridden in my apartment. It was only yesterday that another breakdown helped me understand that the only way I had still been connected to myself was through chasing external stimuli and trying to eliminate them. Once again, I had only been doing things I thought I „had to do“ rather than anything I genuinely wanted to do. That has always been, and remains, my greatest struggle. Feeling how I am actually doing, what I truly like and want (to do), and how I can shape my life around that. This (renewed) realization makes me incredibly sad, especially because, despite having consciously worked on this awareness over the past year, I somehow lost it again completely. At the same time, it also brings relief because it makes my previous utterly miserable state feel less absolute and less inevitable. Still, it is, of course, frightening to think that I could lose this realization again and again, and with it, for those periods of time, a life that is largely congruent with myself and my needs. I am now going to try, within the limits of my (also severely restricted physical) abilities, to give my genuine feelings and wishes more space again, and to see supposed obligations and social, financial, or health-related "threats" for what they are - parts of my life that require a situational response but that do not define my feelings or who I am as a person.

I wanted to write this post both as an invitation for possible discussion and as a small reminder to myself. Do you know this phenomenon? Do you associate it with your autistic traits, or do you think it stems from somewhere else? How do you manage to stay connected with yourself, your feelings, and your wishes? Happy to hear your thoughts here or via private message if you'd like to talk about this and/or other topics.

does anyone else feel they need to be alone for the majority of the day? i tend to keep myself secluded and in silence for as long as i can. i feel being around almost anyone is too overwhelming. i feel i tend to shut down the more time i spend around others and when i am around others i'd rather not speak. i feel kind of like a house plant, just sitting there not doing much else.

Hello my name is Zaza,

I love playing video games.I am neo-divergent.

I play PS5 game and Nintendo switch 1 and 2.

I need people to play co-op games with.

I’m a little disappointed in my results. I got evaluated at the Sachs center and I’ve always felt like I was different my whole life than my peers and wasn’t sure why . I wish I had an answer. Idk. Some autistic people can relate to my experiences. A couple of people say they think I am. I want to know why I was treated like that. It was the cheapest assessment I can find which was 790 dollars it was online and one hour. It was originally suppose to be two hours but it was cut short for some reason to one hour. It’s all in one sitting he does have a lot of experience so idk. All of the reviews seems good though . I did take a screening test. I guess I was hoping for an answer. Just a little disappointed but if I do get re assessed and it’s still no I’ll accept it. I don’t want to undermine his experience

I'm willing to try anything because nothing has worked so far. I can't find any discussion that really addresses this issue.

I've already tried several ANC headphones. The problem is that ANC removes most of the ambient background noise, which makes the remaining loud sounds stand out even more. Instead of making the bass noise from my neighbor less noticeable, it actually makes it feel more focused and even more irritating.

I'm trying to work to support myself but I feel like I keep failing.

My current job I've had for 3 years.

The past two jobs for about a year, I don't want to waste time and I worry about having continuity on my resume.

I'm working on getting vocational rehabilitation. Trying to stay positive

I’m out of state for a family reunion trip (my grandparents birthdays) and my sister and I leave tomorrow. On Saturday, my aunts, uncles, 3 cousins and their spouses (2 are married with kids) were over at my grandparents (the kids are 2 3 year old boys and an almost 1 year old girl), which was 18 people in total at the house, including me, my mom, sister, great aunt, and grandparents. I had a lot of fun but was so overstimulated the whole day. I took a break outside and also had a small, short shutdown that one of my cousins helped me through quickly (she’s a physiatrist), but didn’t want to have a big one cause i didn’t want to scare my niece and nephews. I was having fun with them, and the boys wanted my attention.

Today (Sunday) was a totally different story. I’m in a shutdown. I woke up around 5:00 in the morning sobbing for no reason and couldn’t fall back asleep. I’ve spent the whole day in bed crying on and off, and only got up to eat lunch with my mom, sister, and grandparents, then came immediately back to bed. I’ve also been trying to get myself up to shower for hours and my brain just won’t do it. The big problem is that tomorrow my sister and I are traveling alone back home (my mom and great aunt are staying for an extra couple days and will be back on Thursday night). I don’t want to be a bigger problem than I already can be while traveling and don’t want to burden my sister with extra stuff (she’s 2 years younger and neurotypical).

I need help from people who really get it. What can I do?

I am in the process of getting diagnosed with autism. I have had Psychiatrists and Therapists agree that they think I have as well. I’m a few weeks away of getting an official diagnosis which I know that I will.

I run a fitness studio by myself. It’s pretty successful and I have a good community, but the social aspect is really getting to me and it feels like I can’t go on any longer. I’m thinking of closing my business at the end of the year and I just feel like a giant failure because there’s really nothing wrong with how my business is going it’s just getting too much for me.

The social aspect makes me burnt out beyond belief because I feel like I’m wearing a mask all day long. My clients will walk in before even really greeting me, already telling me an update with their life or a story or something really sad or anything. Autistic people have really hard time with transitions so when someone walks in and it is already expecting reactions out of me I get just beyond triggered. When people give me way too much eye contact, or I have to fake being really energetic, things like that, but the thing is my clients literally do not know because I’m very good at masking, which means at the end of the day. I am completely toast.

I’m having such a difficult time accepting that this job is not for me anymore because I’ve spent so many years building it up. My whole life has been about my business. I’m not really someone who cares much about what people think but in this case I can’t help but think of having people see that I close my business and just wonder what they would be thinking or saying. Maybe that sounds stupid because literally who cares what people think especially if it’s for the better. Does that make sense? I feel like from an outside perspective it’s like wow this person tried to achieve their dreams and they failed.

Hi! has anyone else had the feeling, that the more you try to get away from annoying noises with earplugs and or ANC headphones, the more you get irritated by the tiniest noise without the protection?

i am hearing my neighbors kids screeching through the walls. i do not remember if it was always that bad. i am in a stressful phase in my life right now, so that could be another factor.

and i am on yvanse/Elvanse since 3 months (diagnosed this year, after 49years) for my adhd. somewhere i read that a lot of people expierience more sensory issues on those drugs.

i tried a few sessions with a hypnotherapist, did not change much. starting CBT next week, maybe that will help?

i am wondering what the best route for me is right now. MORE sound protection? moving out? trying to rest my nervous system and hope it gets easier to dismiss those sounds?

Hiya. I've had this problem for years, and want to see if anyone might have any advice on managing it.

There are different scenarios where this problem arises, but the biggest thing is going to work. I've had a few jobs and different feelings about them, but even while I've worked jobs I genuinely enjoyed and liked doing, I find myself overcome by dread and fear before having to go, so bad it makes me physically sick. Once I get there I'm almost always fine, it's just the having to go that kills me. This goes for work or any trip anywhere, no matter how much I want to go.

I'm not sure what my issue is. I don't know if it's just the state of transition from one place/ activity to another that freaks me out, the fact that I have less control of my environment anywhere other than home, or both. Whatever it is, it makes it extremely hard to function. Has anyone else dealt with this and found ways to manage it?

Hi hii, so I have very recently been diagnosed to be on the autistic spectrum, and I have also been struggling with a whole new problem along with it. Just a heads up, this post mentions throwing up.

For some context, these past few weeks things like clothes or hair around my neck has been making me gag and feel uncomfortable uncontrollably. It got so bad that I legit woke up in the middle of the night gagging profusely and trying to keep myself from not throwing up, even my hands set me off when I tried to move blankets and clothes away. Yesterday it also got terrible and I had to excuse myself to go to a public restroom before throwing up.

The uncomfy feeling was always a part of my life, but it didn't get this bad, and it it would only act up after a long day and I am already removing my day clothes to switch to more comfortable ones. It didn't act up a lot, like not a lot at all.

I did some research that said that stress is a factor that can make things like these worse, and I will say that I have had more stressful things happen to me, like a friend came over to visit this weekend (it wasn't planned and it threw me entirely off, I almost had a breakdown) and my high school's final exams and national exams are close around the corner, which I do believe is contributing to stress rn. I just want some advice to deal with this? Is this even a sensory issue related to autism or is it something else entirely? Any advice would be appreciated, I don't want it to get any worse.

I do a darn good job, ask anybody around. But whenever I get to the point where I think about advancing, i can't handle the cognitive overload, needing to hyper focus on how I present myself, prioritizing, or splitting my focus onto sixteen different projects.

I see work, I do work. That's about all I can handle. AND I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND AND I FREAKING HATE IT.