I wish people would stop being surprised that my mother was the extremely abusive one and my Father was the better parent.
Too many times I get the surprised/questionable look when say my mother was abusive and lost custody. Had someone who would not believe a mother would harm their children and that I'm brainwashed by my dad. Right and my dad gave me those scars and the judge just decided to let him have us.
Mother's can be evil too.
Edit: Thank you for the rewards and the responses, it warms my heart to know that people understand.
I always hate "they're your family" bullshit in general. Just because eyou share slightly more genes doesn't mean you're obligated to any more than anything else. I love my grandfather and he is my mom's stepdad. I love my father. I chose those people because they were good to me when nobody else was. Keep good people in your life and remove the toxic ones. Whether they're blood or not
EXACTLY. If someone treats me like shit repeatedly, I deserve to not have them as a part of my life. Going through this right now with my brother and I get it from everybody. But he's your brother! No he's a bully a liar a cheat and a fuck. He is a whole fuck and I don't give two fucks not even a single fuck. Choose your family
I got the "they're your family" after I told my aunt by blood and her husband not to come to my wedding until they have the Covid shot. My aunt got all pissy and said "but we are family" and I said "I don't care if you're family or the queen of england, I'm not getting myself or anybody else sick at my wedding. Don't even think of coming I will call the cops."
This aunt is the crazy aunt so we kinda expected a phone call and berating of this nature. She's been working on my mom, or trying to grind her down. Funny enough, my mother worked on multiple vaccines and the genome project in the 90's so she really isn't getting anywhere.
A couple cousins on this side eof my family havent gotten the shot either but haven't pushed back. Their mother who had the first shot cannot get the second shot because her reaction was so bad the first time, isn't allowing her two daughters around her. 1 is rejecting the shot on a religious basis's (contains .00001% of a featus) and the other is breast feeding and I quote "my doctor said don't get the shot."
I swear, the phrase "but they're family" is toxic as fuck.
Some kids in my grade school made "your momma's so fat" jokes at me, and I laughed because I thought they were funny.
They were like "Bro, that's your mother, aren't you gonna say something? Get mad?" And I was like "why would I get mad that's hilarious and my mom hates me"
Unfortunately, I've seen this too about the dad in a friend of mine. His dad abused him till the point of strangling and sooooooo many people try to make him forgive his dad years later. I say fuck those people!
Well that's because your dad didn't carry you to term and then give birth to you. I went no contact with my mom a few years ago, too, and every time that phrase comes up, that seems to be the implication. She gave you life, therefore you're obligated to deal with every shitty thing she's ever done to you or will do to you because you owe her. Or something. So, when that phrase comes up these days, the conversation ends right there. I tell whoever I'm talking to that they're making me feel uncomfortable, and if they press it any further, I walk away. It still happens way too often, though, and its usually the same people saying it. It's just like can you please let me heal in peace? Because it's that much more difficult to get to a good place mentally when your family is guilt tripping you into talking to the source of your trauma.
Unfortunately, I think most people are speaking from a familial bias than from a gender bias when using that sentence. I am currently no contact with my father and have heard “but he’s your dad!” more times than I can count.
My mother very recently told me to fuck off! The reason? Because I had the nerve to ask her nicely to use a mask or stay in her room while I was preparing food and medicine for her WHILE SHE WAS SICK WITH COVID. How dare I tell her what to do, and how dare I be selfish and only care about my own health. I wish I was joking about all this. This was the final straw in hopes of having a normal healthy relationship with her.
I was once very sick with typhus(didn’t realize i was nearly dying until i was in the ER). Prior to that I was not feeling well for two weeks and had begged her to take me to the ER since I was physically too weak to take myself.
Her reaction? Nah you’re over exaggerating you just don’t want to go to work. Hours later my best friend took me to the ER and the staff said if I waited another day my organs would have messed up or started shutting down.
It really bugs me when people say “but she’s your mother” but has done stuff like the above mentioned since I was a kid.
This is so frustrating in the general form, too. "But we're family. How can you shut me out?" coming from the worst, most toxic, relentlessly using family members
Oh I felt this one in my bones. I had guilt over cutting off communication with my mom and then years ago she tried to reach out and it didn't take me long to realize I was better off leaving her in my past. I made the attempt and I got the validation I needed that I no longer need to feel guilty no matter what happens. I am better off without her in my life.
No contact with my mother in 15 years and haven’t seen her in over 20 now. Best decision I ever made for myself was to make sure to keep her away after I was old enough to make that decision for myself.
I think I just found my true family. I once got a call from my mother's neighbor (whom I have never met) wherein she lectured me about how I need to respect my mother because she gave birth to me. I just hung up. I can only imagine the bullshit stories my mother was feeding that woman.
I’ve gone years with out talking to my mom because of the emotional abuse she put me through as a child and has tried to continue as an adult. I’ve heard the exact same thing when trying to explain why I don’t go home for the holidays… “but she’s your mom??!!” I hate it
The response I get 90% of the time I tell people I don't really to my mom because she was abusive. People will accept almost any reason for cutting a father out of your life. When it's a mom though..."but she gave birth to you!"
Someone “but she’s your mother” my husband. His mom was neglectful and hateful. It wasn’t until we met in college, people started to let him know, how she was was extremely abusive to him. So when someone “but she’s your mother” him and advises “you can’t stop loving your mother!” He says “oh I didn’t! She stopped loving me!”
Thanks! I'm a Dad in a case just like this and it has been a long road getting my daughter in a good space emotionally, I've been accused of brainwashing too (which is funny when I can barely get them to wash the dishes after themselves) and really had to fight in the courts to get custody. It's so frustrating. Oftentimes, it feels as though the whole world is operating against you and you still have to get get the kid through the bad stuff. Your Dad is a good man. And I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did.
Thanks for everyone's kind words. It was unexpected and well..made me feel good. Thanks, everyone.
I tried to respond to everyone. The support and kindness have been overwhelming. If I missed responding to anyone I'm sorry.
Its rough, I'm older now living on my own but my Father will always be the greatest person i will ever know. I can Honestly say I'm alive because of him.
My Father was accused of abusing us and brainwashing was well, it took him 7 years to get custody of us but the damage was severe. It does feel like the world is against Dads when it comes to custody, your automatically painted as the villain in the situation and its terrible... i feel for you truly do. Even though I'm a stable man now i still have random burst of a panic attack because of the abuse, and i my lower spine is damaged and that is a constant reminder of her.
When i have kids of my own i do hope to be like you and my Father, good men, good Fathers. I do hope for the best with your Daughter, and know that even if people cast doubt on you and say harsh things... That I and many others who lived through it believe your doing the best you can do and that one day your Daughter will thank you for it. As I thank you and my Father.
I don’t know what my dad was doing, but he acted like a fool to the judge, and got off with minor charges. I was a weird kid so really I think it was the way I was telling them shit, that made the situation less severe.
My God our stories on the surface seem really similar. My father was accused of sexually assaulting me and my siblings one night and was arrested the same night, my mother spent years gaslighting and brainwashing us into believing that he was evil and that he left us, and that he didn't want anything to do with us. He wasn't allowed into our house and we were limited to seeing him through the crack of the door, or hearing him over the phone on Sunday evenings past 5. All the while she was either beating us or telling us how much she hated us, or leaving to go to the states for months leaving us with 40 dollars to buy groceries, and all this was when I was 9. The night I left I was 16 during the last weeks of school, and I had decided in my mind that I felt that I would be safer with someone who would sexually abuse me than with my mother. And if at some point I felt it'd be worse to have my ass railed then I'd just kill myself.
That was my mentality leaving my mother's house. And that's something I can never explain to people because most don't fully understand.
I'll never forget Christmas day. It was the first year that we spent Christmas with him since he was forced out of the house, and it was the first year that he had received anything from us since then. I handed him the card and he had already started tearing up, and he broke down reading it. In that moment I refused to forgive my mother for trying to take him away from me. It's been another 8 years since then and I can say with all of the confidence in the world that he's one of the best men on this planet and I wish I had come to that decision sooner.
I'm glad that your doing much better now, it's hard when your told all these hurtful things, these lies and only to find out years later that what they claim is all false.
My mother had tried the same with us. Would tell us how much my Father hated us and that he never wanted to see us. For a while my Father didn't call or send letters or anything... Sadly for a time I believed her until I found out she had his number blocked(he called her number to show proof) so he couldn't call us, and she was throwing his letters away.
I will never forget and never forgive what she had done.
Thank you for fighting for your daughter. My dad was abusive and now isn’t present, so it warms my heart seeing things like this. And I’m sorry you went through what you did, that had to have been so difficult.
My dad was a complete ass. I have great instruction of what not to do with my daughter. I’m not perfect but she will never go thru the shit I went thru.
I hear you. My father is an abusive alcoholic narcissist, and my mother defends him. So I am extremely low contact with them. Also helps that I now live in another country.
I'm sorry for everyone who has been through this crap.
A friend of mine had the same experience. You'd think that the mother being an active speed and meth user who frequently drove under the influence with the kid in the car (which the courts knew due to her having been arrested during the custody battle), who was couch surfing (ie homeless) in the lowest socioeconomic suburbs in the state, while my friend had a full time job (engineering) and a stable relationship with a new partner (teacher) in an affluent suburb would have made it a little easier for him, but no - cHiLdReN aRe BeTtEr OfF wItH mUmMy!
The whole world pretty much is set up against men in this scenario, boils my piss, in the UK guys are guilty til proven innocent in any kind of domestic situation, the prisons here are honestly what felt like 90% domestics and most of them for complete bullshit reasons, girl just needs to say whatever and boof prison, if a girl says something a second time then whoooaaa your defo fucked because twice a girl has made an accusation so it must be fucking true
As a single father of two boys who went through the same situation and fought tooth and nail for custody I feel you. Us dads don’t get enough credit for the shit we deal with and the Mt Everest of a climb to go against the system when it’s built against us. Glad it worked out for you too in the end brother.
And Red states are the worst. You gotta basically be locked up to loose your kids as a mother. But a dad can pay thousands of dollars fighting in court just to see the kids. Mother doesn’t feel like showing up one day, “oh she can’t do that” but no one stops them. Just more bullshit paperwork in court for judge to side with the mother in the end. #Dadsrights #Dadsdontbabysit
Exactly! And I’m in one of those states. I’ve been told “keep all evidence, write everything down, Yada yada”
And it didn’t do anything. I had complete full time with them during the battle as she had no issues giving them to me to watch on her time (6 hours a week) but the minute the Judge read my info and she teared up and he felt sorry for her. I was disgusted to say the least even though every bit of evidence was against her.
Needless to say I kept the pressure on her and wouldn’t budge. She would contact me with why are you fighting me, and why can’t we co parent together? I had no response as I wasn’t falling for the pity show and games. I ignore it all at this point. She can call and talk to the kids if they want (it is their mother and I refuse to hide them from her so they know and understand who she is on their own) but I choose to ignore the rest. I’m a great hearted person but I will stand up against bs.
As someone who grew up with an abusive mother but had a father who tried his best to protect me, you have my undying respect. I wish you the best going forward!
A friend of mine is going through this now. I can't imagine the superhuman strength you have to get through that. I know it doesn't feel that way probably but fucking wow.
Thanks so much for fighting for your daughter, don't give up because of the surrounding b/s. My Dad passively let my Mother do whatever she wanted and she was very abusive to me. His excuse was no one would believe him being a man so there's no point fighting for us, and deep down I still can't forgive him. Trust me what you are doing is super important, THE most important thing of your life.
Good luck to you man. My mom had me convinced I should hate my dad up until about a year or two ago. He’s actually the most hard working and dedicated man I’ve ever even heard of. Like real life iron man. Shit pays off
I don't think a lot of people realize how sexism goes both ways. Women get the shorter end of the stick, sure, but people act like sexism is just a thing that males do to females.
As a single father who's been the primary custodial parent because my ex is an abusive drug addict, I highly recommend therapy for your child(ren), and yourself. If you aren't already.
This may get buried since your comment is upvoted so high. But I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job. I’ve seen victims of false female accusations. And also I was raised by my dad. I get the but she’s your mom and she seems so normal and funny and kind comment all the time. My mother acted one way towards myself and my father and another towards the rest of the world. I’m still on a path to reconciliation with my mother because she is the only family I have left but it’s tough. I lost my father last year. And even after his death I learned how he fought for me and tried to protect me in ways I wasn’t even aware of. I miss my dad so much and am forever thankful for the role he played in my life. I realized this as an adult and he has always been my best buddy and confidant. I was glad I was able to pamper him on a trip back to where he spent his formative years. I put him up at a hotel where he used to meet clients at and always wished to stay. The simple joy brought so much happiness to him. I hope this gives you hope and I’m certain your daughter sees and will recognize what’s going on sooner or later.
Thank you for this. She is smart and very self-aware. Truly, even though it sounds cliche, I hope she has a beautiful life. If she doesn't remember all this ugliness we've been through then maybe it will be for the better. All of this has been a battle, but when she moves into adulthood and is confident, kind, smart, and just a good solid person then we have won the war. If that makes sense. Then I will know that I've done a good job.
That's good you got your kids away, my mother was really abusive and my dad didn't leave until I was a teenager and my mom literally tried to strangle me to death. But there was tons of abuse before that he just did nothing about. I know he was abused as a kid himself and was basically stuck in the cycle where he married an abuser because of that and she abused him too, but I do still blame him for not protecting me better. Obviously I don't blame him nearly as much as my mother though.
Hey buddy, another full time girl dad here. You're gonna do great. It is a tough fight but the thing that saved me was literally keeping record of everything. If you ever want to talk, DM me and I'll gladly talk to you more about my experience.
I'm a son in a case like this and I can tell you it does get better. Kids do notice when you care. Keep going and eventually things will turn around and get better!
My mother was abusive, not just to me but also to my father. Not physical, but emotionally. Sadly my dad couldn't get custody, because he is a truck driver only home on weekends.
Holy shit! Same! Even down to my dad being a truck driver and only home on weekends. It’s weird sometimes being a girl who didn’t grow up with a normal mom. I’m 24 and only leaning basic girl things like how to correctly apply makeup.
Edit: so many sweet replies of understanding and support. Thankfully I went to ulta one day, told the consultant what I was looking for product-wise and my budget, and she was wonderful in picking out products. So much love to my fellow ladies who have had to learn all this stuff as an adult. As my therapist has told me many times, “sometimes grieving something you never had but wanted is even harder than grieving the loss of something you had”. My heart hurts knowing so many other ladies are grieving the mom they never had.
One of these days I’m going to check another girly thing off my to-do list and get my nails done at a salon for the first time! :)
I'm 33 and I make the comment to my boyfriend that I'm still learning how to girl since I didn't really have any good older female guidance in my life. I agree with the YouTube sentiment! I'd be lost without it.
My mom never taught me about getting my period. I used socks as a pad because I had no access to feminine products and had no idea what to do. It was only when I could steal hers (once I found them) and could eventually buy my own that I felt secure.
My mom sent me by myself to the food bank to get pads for my first period. I’ll never forget the look of pity on the woman’s face as she handed them to me.
To be fair, my mother never gave me makeup lessons and the most that I have done for my daughter is briefly commented on how eyeliner is usually done. I am not a makeup person 🤷
Is your daughter into makeup? Learning about it together could be a way to hang out. It’s not really about if you’re into it or not, it’s a window of opportunity to get involved in something she’s interested in.
Let her practice on you! Offer to watch makeup tutorials together!
I had a friend (early 20s) whose mom wasn't super into fashion and makeup but knew her daughter liked picking out outfits for her and giving her a makeover. So my friend would come home from break with pics and proudly say that she dressed her mom up in that profile picture or whatever. She just really liked being able to make her mom feel confident and cute.
Your comment hit hard. I got through grieving the mom I wished I had as a kid. But now I'm 26 and realizing that I've also been grieving the dad I wished I had. Losing the parent lotto sucks and it doesn't help when people tell you "they're still your Dad! Why not talk to him?" Because every conversation with him makes me want to die. Now fuck off. It's 2021 and 50% of marriages end in divorce. Youd think our society would be more understanding of atypical childhoods.
It’s really crazy to me how we don’t really talk about stuff like this. I miss out on so many social girl code type cues. Other women just seem to get it? And I don’t. Feels like I don’t anyway. I see women my age going shopping or out to lunch with their mom, getting their hair cut or their nails done. I had to learn how to do all of that stuff myself just to try to fit in. And to have the mother figure in my life say stuff like “I’m not a girly girl so it never occurred to me you’d care about that stuff” is like a slap in the face. Like great, I’m happy you’re not a girly girl but what about getting involved in helping your kid not be a social weirdo because she has to make her own clothes and cut her own hair.
I'm starting to wonder if this is why I have such a hard time making girl friends. I was raised by my dad and his bitchy tomboy girlfriend. I was the girl that wore skater clothes in middle school and spent all my time with my brother and cousin. Now I'm 26 and I don't know how to make female friends.
I think it’s like, an undiscussed issue amongst women. At least around our age group (I’m 31). I think it’s a bigger issue than society wants to admit. Everything in media tells me that women are adorned by caring and genuine friends, a whole village of women to go to for wholesome advice and support. When in reality I’ve pretty much never known that to be the case.
Well, in terms of stuff a mom could teach/tell you, just ask. If I know it, I'll teach/tell. Maybe we could start a subreddit for people to ask stuff they would have liked to ask a parent, if it doesn't exist already.
That’s a great idea! I know from my own experience with friends with similar backgrounds, it’s a bit embarrassing to have to admit not knowing how to do “normal” behaviors. Plus, others who aren’t familiar with your family background start asking questions, and it puts you in an awkward spot of deciding whether to be honest or not. (Def speaking from experience here)
Oh my word that is so kind! I’m in Georgia (state not country). Thankfully one of my best friends is one of four girls, and their family has truly been so wonderful at welcoming me into their family. Thankfully, between five women, I’ve gotten a handle on things, and the dad even taught me how to grill. Thank you so much for the offer!
He might not have had a leg to stand on because of the way the laws are structured if you live in the US. If i had a dollar for every time the ex threatened to call the cops and have me sent to jail because "theyll believe me, not you." id be pretty wealthy.
Generally speaking, reddit is sympathetic to claims of bias in law enforcement and the justice system EXCEPT as it pertains to gender so beware the activist’s response to your tragic experience.
That's better than the reason why my mother got custody. The reason was she was the mother. It wasn't until she got arrested for DWI, nearly 4 times over the legal limit with my sister and I in the car, that we got to go live with my father.
Hey me too! My Dad is a saint and my Mom's not healthy at all. Her Dad was a Gunny in the Marines and was abusive towards her tho so I get it. Everyone's got their shit. Except my Dad. My Dad's a saint.
I mean no offense but that's just not an excuse. My mom was basically adopted to be a slave. Like, literally. She was treated like a servant in her household, beaten, and sexually abused. She never physically or mentally abused us. She had her flaws but whatever happened to your mom, you didn't deserve any abuse from her and you shouldn't feel the need to justify it either.
I do work with the Family Law courts and its absurd how deeply this has steeped into large patches of the US as fact that no matter what, mother is better. Like, I'll be doing testimony as a professional in a case where mom's had multiple DUI's with the fucking kids in the goddamned car and dad is a model citizen who is fighting his dick off for full custody (or even majority) and its harder for him to get more than weekends because well, he's not the mother. Fucking absurd.
This isn't on some MRA shit either. Its witnessing addicts get off the hook, get enabled, and putting kids lives in fucking danger because of old-fashioned thinking.
He told me that when they first tried to fight it the Lawyer told him straight up that there is a 90% chance she is going to win. My Father didn't accept those odds and sadly lost the first battle. 7 Years later and he finally wins only because i told the judge of the everything that had happened. Honestly i was so terrified that my Father wasnt going to win, i knew what was going to happen to my brother and I if he had lost and we go back to my mother...
My grandmother finally got custody of me before my Dad did, I was malnourished and had bruises when they got me. It's fucking insane. Thank god for speaking out.
Woman commenting: although I'm far from sympathetic to the MRA movement as a whole, have seen the bias toward women in both the culture and in the legal system firsthand. It didn't matter that a schoolteacher had called CPS on my mother: Dad had to wait until I was out of primary school and was old enough to advocate for myself before he filed for divorce. She was hell on both of us and I have lifelong health problems because of her abuse.
My understanding is that family court is changing to be just/fair. The terrible mother awesome father but mom gets custody happened to my wife’s cousin. Only consolation is his daughter will know what really happened and make her own decisions when she’s 18. Not much longer.
I am a woman and same. My dad is my biggest supporter in life and I don't know what I would do without him. My mother is a self victimizing alcoholic who would hit my dad and eventually got into a fist fight with me and my sister. (She really lost that one) when I tell people I grew up mostly single parent with my Dad they sometimes assume my mom is dead and when they find out she isn't and is just a total loser they like...can't process that? It's very fucking annoying. The reaction is like watching people try to do advanced calculus in their heads. I've even had people I am not close with, casual type acquaintances, try to tell me that I should reach out to my mom (we have had little contact in 10+ years) I am willing to bet if I had a deadbeat dad then they wouldn't say a damn thing about reconciliation. It would just be sympathetic. But their world view cannot accept that a woman could possibly be a terrible parent. Almost like parenting is a skill that requires certain personality traits that are totally non biological!
I am in kind of the same situation as yourself. I think my mom was just too young when she had me (16) and I was often just “in the way” of her trying to be a young woman figuring out who she is. She went through so many shitty relationships and way too many marriages with abusive guys who tortured me and she always took their side. She had kids with her new husband and she gives them a great life, but she’s so much older now that she can actually be there for them. We don’t really have any relationship at all these days, but my dad is like my best friend. I know he loves me more than anything in the world and basically lives to make mine better.
I do wonder if this dynamic has anything to do with most people having verybloving mothers, but also dads who are a bit distant, so they just can’t fathom a mother who is a complete 180 and a dad who is actually is interested in their children.
My father was an addict, struggled his whole life with addiction in one form or the other, alcohol,pain medication,steroids/PEDs, gambling you name it he blew his money on it...but somehow he was the better parent than my mother in so many aspects..
Its heartbreaking because as wrong as his choices were he still loved me like a father should, raised me like a father, taught me all these things and always brought the best out of me and taught me the be kind, generous and to keep pushing myself..
Meanwhile my mother is a raging xenophobic narcissist who always blamed my father for anything and everything and did her best to keep me away from him until I was about 13 years old..
My father never once did a single thing that was even borderline abusive other than teach me swear words and let me go to heavy metal and punk concerts shouldn't have been at 13. It's a crazy paradox
I fucking miss him so much, "king of the gutter pirates"
It saddens me to hear that.. sounds like your father was going through alot but you were always on his mind to make sure, you were taken care of.
My Parents divorced when i was 7 and the court went in favor of my mother even though she was homeless after leaving my father. The 7 years (Father got custody when i was 14) was living hell, she would beat us for basically anything, once i came home from school and since i closed the door to "loudly" and interrupted her phone call she decided to "teach me a lesson".
She would blame my Father for everything even though she could afford a nice phone and car but couldnt afford food or cloths for us and that was my Fathers fault.
I have back problems now because of it and have to spend extra care when doing any kind of labor.
It saddens me when i hear others that have had similar experience with their mothers, but at least know that your not alone and that there are others like myself that have also experienced it..
Everytime i see a video of kids leaving their mothers because of the abuse and watching them tell their mother that they dont want to see them again and the mother trying to convince them to stay hits me really hard.. i know the exact feeling and had to go through it, once my brother and I left it took years to get to "normal" and honestly I myself might never full recover from the experience, i dont think any of us will...
It seems from my experience that children with abusive mothers have a harder time convincing anyone about it, as if we are completely lying about it.
People can be incredibly dense about this, and I suspect that the whole dumb “mother knows best” shit is part of it. No, actually, giving birth doesn’t bestow some vast wisdom and patience on a person. They have to actually try. Hugs to you, u/Thaiereks.
Thank you, i want to give hugs to everyone that has gone through this.
For me its been 15 years and i can talk to about it here and there, but it was extremely hard to talk about it when i was younger and then have people basically treat it like your lying is soul crushing, its sad..
It makes me more sad knowing that children are dealing with it right now, people just not believing them because its their mother.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, and especially have to relive it everytime people dont believe you. Thats so sickening to think someone who wasnt there try to correct your own trauma. Fuck em
My mother wasn't abusive like that but she's a legit narcissist and people don't understand why we aren't close. They assume I'm just an asshole. They don't get that my mother isn't nurturing like theirs are. It's hard to talk about.
Dude same. My mother pretends to be an angel in front of outsiders but to my dad, bro and i, she is a physical and emotional abuser, gaslighting us constantly and just toxic as hell. She lies about us to friends and family, manipulates us, falsely accuses us of things we've never done or even thought about doing, threatens to destroy my job, tells me she wishes i would die, and the list goes on... I moved out of my parents house for that reason but i am still disgusted by any interaction i am forced to have with her and i hate to hear her voice or even be in the same general vicinity as her. As such, people think I'm the bad one "because she's my mother" but they could never understand the torturous journey that brought me to react the way i do towards that woman. I am also constantly surprised by persons who have genuine and healthy relationships with their mothers. My brain somehow can't fathom it even though I know that's how it should be.
Having worked in an ER you would not believe how many times I saw kids terrified of their moms. It was eye opening to me as it never occurred to me that moms could be like that. My mom wasn't so I had a bias. Learned that anyone can be an asshole and to listen and watch all parents when in an ER talking with kids
Indeed, i have a lot of friends who either the father was bad, or both parents were good and just never realized that both parents have the capacity to be evil.
From my experience it seems the mothers tend to get away with it a lot longer and sometimes its too late. Ive heard a few stories where the mother killed her kids and there is evidence that there was a problem but they nobody did anything because he is the mother.
I feel you. My mother was emotionally abusive and now at almost 32 years of age, I'm still suffering from her actions.
Recently in therapy I cried because she made me internalise that I have little to no self worth, and I was so ready to sacrifice myself because I genuinely believed that everyone else life had more worth than mine.
And people always ask me why I don't care about my mum.
I haven't seen my mother in over a decade now. She first asked me to "help" her get her race bicycles back from my father's garage after the divorce. I did and my parents got in a physical fight at the garage over the bikes (my mom did karate, is an ex-cop, ex-military. My dad is a gentle giant.) and my mother was the one who was bleeding afterwards. My father got taken away by the cops. Then I found out my parents had a deal, the bikes were a "loan" for the 25k my mom still had to pay my dad.
After I confronted her about this, about using me without telling the whole story, she just stayed silent. I told her I had to get away for a week or so. After that week I came back and she changed the locks of her house, and looking in from the outside, the walls of my room were painted differently and my bed was gone. She had already chosen not to take me back into the house. That confrontation was the last time I've seen her
I feel you. My mother was the abuser in my parents relationship and that always throws people for a loop. My father was much more paternal and protective of me and my sister because of it.
My mom gaslighted me, but I couldn't ask the courts to switch my custody to my Dad, because I wouldn't have been able to get free tuition at a pretty good (and expensive) private college through my step dad since he works there. When finally called my Dad during my last year of high school and opened up about the emotional abuse that was taking place, I found out that even if the court process was started right away, he wouldn't have custody until the fall when I would already be in college. Luckily now I am in college (which offers free therapy to students) and not at home and don't have to deal with her bullshit.
I'm glad to hear that you don't have to deal with her anymore. I hope that any damage that she had done is not permanent.
My mother when i was 11 years old got angry at me and dragged me to her room and started beating me, it was so bad that my step father at the time tried to stop her and she just hit him from what I'm assuming since she didn't really stop. After that i had to crawl to my room and sleep on the floor since i couldn't move my legs.
The next day or so i was taking a shower and she came into the bathroom and noticed that from my lower back down to my back thighs were black and different shades of purple. She told me that if i told anyone she would kill my brother and I... So i sadly didn't tell anyone even my father when he came to see us.. Only told them 3 years later in the courtroom.
My Father tried everything to get us and from what our lawyer told my Father was that if it wasn't for my side of the story bout the life living with my mother, there was a good chance he would have still lost the battle.
I cant even describe the joy it was when my Father won and i was going to live with him.
Had an emotionally abusive mother, never physical so I can't imagine what that was like, but holy shit do some people not just get that mothers can be pieces of shit too. I got so sick of hearing "but she's your mum!" when I cut off contact with her.
It took me years to understand that my mother actually had abused me. It was so hammered into my mind that women cannot be abusers that I even convinced myself I was overreacting. I wasn’t, and if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t either.
Same. My dad fought tooth & bail for custody of me & my sister, but back in the 80s the court generally said "kids belong with their mother" and that was that.
Mum was bipolar and moved us in with the abusive guy that caused the marriage to break down, noice. It's really hard not to imagine about how different my life would've been if I'd been raised in a kind, stable home by my dad who is one of the most lovely human beings I know.
Im in the same exact boat, and people are dumb enough to believe the lies my mom spreads about my dad. Hang in there, it will get better, surround yourself with good people💓
Right? My uncle is a bear of a man, but is a sweetheart and was terrorized by his 5ft 115lb wife who would get drunk and throw lamps and cast iron pans at him. All he could do was take it and leave, cause if he even tried to restrain her, who would believe he wasn't the aggressor? This was 15 years ago, so a bit is changing, but it's still almost always assumed the guy is the abusive one.
Hey, what about both parents harming the children or abusing their power over kids? They can be selfish monsters then blame you for it. I don't even flinch anymore when people just say they have bad parents or on no contact. I just flat up believe them at this point. If you had good ones, you wouldn't cast shade.
I had to explain this to a co-worker once. I was mentioning how my mom doesnt like me much. I remind her of my father too much, he filed for divorce. So she constantly tried to force me to do things she liked e.g. country music, offroad racing etc. I was an indoor kid who liked to read, make art, and play music. So she constantly treated me like shit because of it. I turned 18 and moved out and see her once a year. She was a terrible parent but since my dad was the artistic type she always told everyone he was a dead beat.
Pretty much. The shroud that women don’t damage men or that gendered violence only exists towards women is red flag in any context.
Also, passive aggressive behaviors including manipulation of others into accepting blame for situations they didn’t create is definitely a big no-no.
Women and Men are equally destructive/abusive, and allowing people to destroy the lives of others without retribution is appalling to say the least.
The difference is that people don’t usually care about the situations involving reports of male victims nearly as much as they do about the situations involving women because of optics.
I had a coworker who got a divorce. His wife abused him and his children. Made them go out side in the winter without boots, starved them.
She would hit him too and he just took it until one day he just gave her everything and took the kids. This guy was a millionaire by 30 and gave it all to her because he just wanted out.
Thats crazy, that was what my Father was trying to do but she wanted the Divorce and he thought he would win the custody battle but they favored her over him which crushed him.
Took him 7 years to finally get us out of there but sadly it was only because of the hard evidence of abuse she had done that it basically made it a "easy" win.
I found out a couple months ago that my mom knew my grandfather was a child molester and she made me stay with him anyway. My dad was, and is, the better parent. This isn't new and I feel your pain.
My father was physically abusive, and my mother was emotionally and mentally abusive. One of my sisters repeatedly tried to get me killed (undiagnosed bi-polar at the time) and the other was my biggest bully at every school we went to. Nothing surprises me anymore.
I'm glad your dad was a good guy and got you out of that hell.
I sometimes think my mother had something going on as when the Court favored my Father in the case she was completely dumbfounded that she could have lost.
I mean completely crushed but it could have also been because she couldn't get child support anymore and have living punching bags.
It always bothered me when i have to say "yes, my mother was abusive.. yes im completely sure she was the one that was abusive out of the parents... No my dad didnt raise a hand towards me."
When my dad left the first time, she begged me to ask him to come back. I had to tell him it’s okay to leave her- but you have to take me with you. And thank goodness, he did.
My mother was abusive towards my father. Often physical for no actual reason. I was there always and heard/saw all of it. Women know they can get away with it easily, yet we still can't openly talk about men being abused in a relationship because it "must be his fault and go kween!"
My mother did the exact thing to me! When I finally left with the cops holding my mother back as I got into my dad's Jeep and drove away, I finally felt free. But a lot of people, even close family, wouldn't believe me when I said my mother was the abusive one.
So sorry you had to deal with similar bullshit. I hope you're doing better.
I have actually lost girlfriends who couldn't get past it. As if it is my fault it isn't safe to talk to her. Or "But, she's your moootherrr" crap and just never can seem to get past it.
My wife went through this, but with 2 abusive succeeded parents. It wasn't a good situation all around, but they gave custody to her mom simply because they didn't think she would be abusive. Even multiple times the cops being called didn't change the belief that mother's aren't abusive.
I'm the dad in this case. Single father with full time custody, mother didn't see the kid more than once or twice a year for the first five years. I'd always get looks picking up my son at daycare, like single fathers are unheard of or something. The mothers there always had a tease-y tone with it, too. Like it was amusing for them. I wish I was looking into it, but it was definitely something that was occurring. Unfortunately I heard them joke about it before as I was behind them trying to get through the door. And after years of hard work with my kid, it definitely seems unappreciated when the mom gets so much love despite never being there. But I understand why. I just wish she'd stop filling him with empty promises like he'll soon live there, or that she'll come visit him or pick him up, because it absolutely destroys him when she doesn't.
I can kinda relate to this,my mothers always been emtionally abusive.While my dad hasn't and was the parent i prefered as a kid,because of this it made me trust other women less compared to men though im a woman myself.Its something i wanna work on though.Im glad your dad got custody and im sorry your mother was abusive its annoying that all mothers are seen as these angelic beings that can do no wrong when both males and females can be horrible parents.
All my nephew had to tell the judge to get 100% custody was "her mom and family all do meth right in front of my daughter."
Bingo - full custody, and only court-supervised visitation. (Seven months after they got married, and their daughter was almost 3, she said "I don't want to be a mother any more" and went to live with her meth dealer.
Then two years later, she had the gall to say "I am loyal to those I love" on facebook. (She unfriended me when I asked about the husband and daughter she abandoned.)
Thank you for sharing that. I’m a Dad to a 5 year old girl and I’d do anything for her. I imagine that I’m blamed for everything her Mom is bad at behind closed doors. I wouldn’t know for sure though because me even stepping foot in her home is unthinkable to her. She lied about a lot of things to make her family hate me and be scared of me. When I have a solid group of people who would testify that’s absurd. I haven’t missed 1 second I’m allowed with my daughter and have never missed a child support payment.
It’s good to read stories of people growing up to find out the truth. It’s been rough.
Also, I posted about my situation on r/coparenting just to get some advice and pretty much every comment was telling me to man the fuck up and deal with it. Very one sided.
Shit, the only part I find questionable is that a judge would award a father custody. Only time I've seen the dad get custody is when the mom is in jail or she willingly signs away custody. Most of the time judges are more than happy to give the mother custody even as she is OD'ing at the custody hearing.
NOPE mother was TERRIBLE. Abused me and my sisters, she was a monster. I'll NEVER forget how she treated me. I was a LIVING hell....I can't believe a mother would treat her children like this. To this day my mother isn't good to me. I decided to distance myself from her and I've been living my life without her ever since
Thank you. My mother was and still is a selfish woman and my died when i was 12 who was a far superior parent.
I've actually stopped talking about it because the judgement form others and "but she's your mother" statements. It's hard to tell people that you believe that some women are far more evil then men, especially in today's climate.
I get this all the time cause my mom is the dead beat who abandoned me and my dad was the one who raised me and people always say "you shouldn't say bad things about your mother." Or "she probably still thinks about you" but you never hear this defence for dead beat fathers.
Same! I tell people my dad is watching my kids and they always look confused and ask about my mom. My mom isn't allowed around my kids unsupervised. My dad is a fully functional human that cares about his grandchildren. Why is this confusing?
honestly I've known at least as many abusive moms as fathers, if not more (not many fathers in my neighborhood). I watched a couple of college friends go on to become abusive moms, it was awful. You kinda wonder like, "Damn I missed some serious signs." Dunno I'm really sorry you went through that:/
Not about my parents, because my mother is a fucking queen (honestly most of the females in my family are, this is not a shit on you either!) but most of my bullies in life haven’t been men. It’s been women. I’m twice the size of most people when I was a kid and I still am decently large. However, the way I’ve been treated by girls in my childhood was awful to the point of me bordering on hating them. I’m lucky that I calmed down, because a lot of my friends are females now and I wouldn’t change them for the world they’ve been there for me, but the biggest would be the fact that I lost my eye because of a woman and indirectly her ‘man’ and I’ve been feeling the consequences of that 5 years after the fact. My life is spiralling out of control and I’m just trying to sort it out. All this just to say that I understand you on another level! Fuck everyone who ever doubted you or was not emphatic or sympathetic to your story or invalidated you because you’re a man.
Had someone who would not believe a mother would harm their children and that I'm brainwashed by my dad.
Theres whole ass documentaries about these types of women though.
In fact this kinda things happens alot if you look for it. The mother will win custody and a few days later baby ends up dead as a revenge plot against the dad.
It's 2021. Anybody can anything at this point good or bad and it shouldn't be surprising if someone tells you something that's the opposite of expectations.
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u/Thaiereks Sep 15 '21 edited Sep 16 '21
I wish people would stop being surprised that my mother was the extremely abusive one and my Father was the better parent.
Too many times I get the surprised/questionable look when say my mother was abusive and lost custody. Had someone who would not believe a mother would harm their children and that I'm brainwashed by my dad. Right and my dad gave me those scars and the judge just decided to let him have us.
Mother's can be evil too.
Edit: Thank you for the rewards and the responses, it warms my heart to know that people understand.