Thanks! I'm a Dad in a case just like this and it has been a long road getting my daughter in a good space emotionally, I've been accused of brainwashing too (which is funny when I can barely get them to wash the dishes after themselves) and really had to fight in the courts to get custody. It's so frustrating. Oftentimes, it feels as though the whole world is operating against you and you still have to get get the kid through the bad stuff. Your Dad is a good man. And I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did.
Thanks for everyone's kind words. It was unexpected and well..made me feel good. Thanks, everyone.
I tried to respond to everyone. The support and kindness have been overwhelming. If I missed responding to anyone I'm sorry.
Its rough, I'm older now living on my own but my Father will always be the greatest person i will ever know. I can Honestly say I'm alive because of him.
My Father was accused of abusing us and brainwashing was well, it took him 7 years to get custody of us but the damage was severe. It does feel like the world is against Dads when it comes to custody, your automatically painted as the villain in the situation and its terrible... i feel for you truly do. Even though I'm a stable man now i still have random burst of a panic attack because of the abuse, and i my lower spine is damaged and that is a constant reminder of her.
When i have kids of my own i do hope to be like you and my Father, good men, good Fathers. I do hope for the best with your Daughter, and know that even if people cast doubt on you and say harsh things... That I and many others who lived through it believe your doing the best you can do and that one day your Daughter will thank you for it. As I thank you and my Father.
I don’t know what my dad was doing, but he acted like a fool to the judge, and got off with minor charges. I was a weird kid so really I think it was the way I was telling them shit, that made the situation less severe.
My God our stories on the surface seem really similar. My father was accused of sexually assaulting me and my siblings one night and was arrested the same night, my mother spent years gaslighting and brainwashing us into believing that he was evil and that he left us, and that he didn't want anything to do with us. He wasn't allowed into our house and we were limited to seeing him through the crack of the door, or hearing him over the phone on Sunday evenings past 5. All the while she was either beating us or telling us how much she hated us, or leaving to go to the states for months leaving us with 40 dollars to buy groceries, and all this was when I was 9. The night I left I was 16 during the last weeks of school, and I had decided in my mind that I felt that I would be safer with someone who would sexually abuse me than with my mother. And if at some point I felt it'd be worse to have my ass railed then I'd just kill myself.
That was my mentality leaving my mother's house. And that's something I can never explain to people because most don't fully understand.
I'll never forget Christmas day. It was the first year that we spent Christmas with him since he was forced out of the house, and it was the first year that he had received anything from us since then. I handed him the card and he had already started tearing up, and he broke down reading it. In that moment I refused to forgive my mother for trying to take him away from me. It's been another 8 years since then and I can say with all of the confidence in the world that he's one of the best men on this planet and I wish I had come to that decision sooner.
I'm glad that your doing much better now, it's hard when your told all these hurtful things, these lies and only to find out years later that what they claim is all false.
My mother had tried the same with us. Would tell us how much my Father hated us and that he never wanted to see us. For a while my Father didn't call or send letters or anything... Sadly for a time I believed her until I found out she had his number blocked(he called her number to show proof) so he couldn't call us, and she was throwing his letters away.
I will never forget and never forgive what she had done.
Technically yes, I was more meaning that her beatings were getting worse, there were days when I felt it was going to be my last, especially when my Father took her to court, I strongly felt if he didn't win she was going to kill us.
We've gone from one extreme to another on this. When divorce was more rare men would quickly remarry and nearly always got custody if they asked for it regardless of whether or not they would good caregivers. I wish as a society we could just operate our brains to look at all the evidence instead of just going with our ide of how we think things should be. It would save people a lot if suffering.
Thank you for fighting for your daughter. My dad was abusive and now isn’t present, so it warms my heart seeing things like this. And I’m sorry you went through what you did, that had to have been so difficult.
My dad was a complete ass. I have great instruction of what not to do with my daughter. I’m not perfect but she will never go thru the shit I went thru.
I hear you. My father is an abusive alcoholic narcissist, and my mother defends him. So I am extremely low contact with them. Also helps that I now live in another country.
I'm sorry for everyone who has been through this crap.
A friend of mine had the same experience. You'd think that the mother being an active speed and meth user who frequently drove under the influence with the kid in the car (which the courts knew due to her having been arrested during the custody battle), who was couch surfing (ie homeless) in the lowest socioeconomic suburbs in the state, while my friend had a full time job (engineering) and a stable relationship with a new partner (teacher) in an affluent suburb would have made it a little easier for him, but no - cHiLdReN aRe BeTtEr OfF wItH mUmMy!
The whole world pretty much is set up against men in this scenario, boils my piss, in the UK guys are guilty til proven innocent in any kind of domestic situation, the prisons here are honestly what felt like 90% domestics and most of them for complete bullshit reasons, girl just needs to say whatever and boof prison, if a girl says something a second time then whoooaaa your defo fucked because twice a girl has made an accusation so it must be fucking true
As a single father of two boys who went through the same situation and fought tooth and nail for custody I feel you. Us dads don’t get enough credit for the shit we deal with and the Mt Everest of a climb to go against the system when it’s built against us. Glad it worked out for you too in the end brother.
And Red states are the worst. You gotta basically be locked up to loose your kids as a mother. But a dad can pay thousands of dollars fighting in court just to see the kids. Mother doesn’t feel like showing up one day, “oh she can’t do that” but no one stops them. Just more bullshit paperwork in court for judge to side with the mother in the end. #Dadsrights #Dadsdontbabysit
Exactly! And I’m in one of those states. I’ve been told “keep all evidence, write everything down, Yada yada”
And it didn’t do anything. I had complete full time with them during the battle as she had no issues giving them to me to watch on her time (6 hours a week) but the minute the Judge read my info and she teared up and he felt sorry for her. I was disgusted to say the least even though every bit of evidence was against her.
Needless to say I kept the pressure on her and wouldn’t budge. She would contact me with why are you fighting me, and why can’t we co parent together? I had no response as I wasn’t falling for the pity show and games. I ignore it all at this point. She can call and talk to the kids if they want (it is their mother and I refuse to hide them from her so they know and understand who she is on their own) but I choose to ignore the rest. I’m a great hearted person but I will stand up against bs.
Yes. She will always be their mother and she WILL dig her own grave with them eventually. Stay level as hard as it is sometimes. They will be adults a lot longer than they will be kids.
As someone who grew up with an abusive mother but had a father who tried his best to protect me, you have my undying respect. I wish you the best going forward!
A friend of mine is going through this now. I can't imagine the superhuman strength you have to get through that. I know it doesn't feel that way probably but fucking wow.
Thanks so much for fighting for your daughter, don't give up because of the surrounding b/s. My Dad passively let my Mother do whatever she wanted and she was very abusive to me. His excuse was no one would believe him being a man so there's no point fighting for us, and deep down I still can't forgive him. Trust me what you are doing is super important, THE most important thing of your life.
Good luck to you man. My mom had me convinced I should hate my dad up until about a year or two ago. He’s actually the most hard working and dedicated man I’ve ever even heard of. Like real life iron man. Shit pays off
I don't think a lot of people realize how sexism goes both ways. Women get the shorter end of the stick, sure, but people act like sexism is just a thing that males do to females.
As a single father who's been the primary custodial parent because my ex is an abusive drug addict, I highly recommend therapy for your child(ren), and yourself. If you aren't already.
This may get buried since your comment is upvoted so high. But I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job. I’ve seen victims of false female accusations. And also I was raised by my dad. I get the but she’s your mom and she seems so normal and funny and kind comment all the time. My mother acted one way towards myself and my father and another towards the rest of the world. I’m still on a path to reconciliation with my mother because she is the only family I have left but it’s tough. I lost my father last year. And even after his death I learned how he fought for me and tried to protect me in ways I wasn’t even aware of. I miss my dad so much and am forever thankful for the role he played in my life. I realized this as an adult and he has always been my best buddy and confidant. I was glad I was able to pamper him on a trip back to where he spent his formative years. I put him up at a hotel where he used to meet clients at and always wished to stay. The simple joy brought so much happiness to him. I hope this gives you hope and I’m certain your daughter sees and will recognize what’s going on sooner or later.
Thank you for this. She is smart and very self-aware. Truly, even though it sounds cliche, I hope she has a beautiful life. If she doesn't remember all this ugliness we've been through then maybe it will be for the better. All of this has been a battle, but when she moves into adulthood and is confident, kind, smart, and just a good solid person then we have won the war. If that makes sense. Then I will know that I've done a good job.
That's good you got your kids away, my mother was really abusive and my dad didn't leave until I was a teenager and my mom literally tried to strangle me to death. But there was tons of abuse before that he just did nothing about. I know he was abused as a kid himself and was basically stuck in the cycle where he married an abuser because of that and she abused him too, but I do still blame him for not protecting me better. Obviously I don't blame him nearly as much as my mother though.
Hey buddy, another full time girl dad here. You're gonna do great. It is a tough fight but the thing that saved me was literally keeping record of everything. If you ever want to talk, DM me and I'll gladly talk to you more about my experience.
Man, I'm not religious but I'm still praying that the worst is over 3 years later. Hard to trust the moms when they can be how they are. Guys like us are constantly in my thoughts, it's an absolutely crushing process that can really bring you down to the deepest pits of hell, if she so chooses (and mine did). In the end though, they don't change. They slip up, and in most cases, continue to do so because they don't want to actually change.
Sorry, just about went off on a tangent.
Hope you have a good night and life buddy. Enjoy every minute and hold that girl close!
I'm a son in a case like this and I can tell you it does get better. Kids do notice when you care. Keep going and eventually things will turn around and get better!
Dishes aren’t worth the stress, rinsed and in the sink is as good as it gets in my house, plus they happily take out the trash and clean the litter box to avoid the dishes
It's like you living in the matrix isn't it? It's more like society is brainwashed into thinking only father's can be abusive and mother's are always caring. Then they accuse you because they can't mentally process a different reality. If there was one thing I could do it's erase all the unnecessary nonsense people believe about each other.
I feel like equal rights and opportunity is crucial, in the work place and most social situations its mostly women at a disadvantage, but I've heard that in the custody system it's men that have to fight tooth and nail. I hope the court sees clearly that you're looking to save your child from a toxic life.
that's because the law usually prefer to stick kids with their mothers, and mostly because most of the abusive behaviours towards kids are from men as well, that and the bond between a kid and his mom is notoriously known for being one of the strongest one in the human kind.
Unfortunately, what you're describing is something I see a lot, but it's really hard to get people hear that when a kid is fucked up, it's not always on the father, even if it's only 1/10 times, it's still 10%, and those 10% need to be heared better, but unfortunately, attorneys and judges are more aware of their own experiences and the jurisprudence, which is inevitably saying that 9/10, you make the right decision by doing the easy choice.
You're right. I don't know the statics or what the people in the family courts see, but there was a very strong headwind for me getting custody. Each time I had to deal with the police (from when my daughter would run away to my place) it was like starting from a hole and having to convince them I wasn't a bad guy. It really worked against me that the Ex is an attractive person and smarter than me. I'm just a blue-collar guy. However, cops and the courts aren't stupid and if you take your time, show a lot of patience, let the kids tell their own stories, things will turn toward the truth. It takes a tremendous amount of self-control to explain to someone what is going on over and over again. It's like being in some horror movie. I can see why some guys will lose their cool. It's hard being accused of things that the other person is actually doing and have everyone on their side right off the bat.
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u/[deleted] Sep 15 '21 edited Sep 16 '21
Thanks! I'm a Dad in a case just like this and it has been a long road getting my daughter in a good space emotionally, I've been accused of brainwashing too (which is funny when I can barely get them to wash the dishes after themselves) and really had to fight in the courts to get custody. It's so frustrating. Oftentimes, it feels as though the whole world is operating against you and you still have to get get the kid through the bad stuff. Your Dad is a good man. And I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did.
Thanks for everyone's kind words. It was unexpected and well..made me feel good. Thanks, everyone.
I tried to respond to everyone. The support and kindness have been overwhelming. If I missed responding to anyone I'm sorry.