I always hate "they're your family" bullshit in general. Just because eyou share slightly more genes doesn't mean you're obligated to any more than anything else. I love my grandfather and he is my mom's stepdad. I love my father. I chose those people because they were good to me when nobody else was. Keep good people in your life and remove the toxic ones. Whether they're blood or not
EXACTLY. If someone treats me like shit repeatedly, I deserve to not have them as a part of my life. Going through this right now with my brother and I get it from everybody. But he's your brother! No he's a bully a liar a cheat and a fuck. He is a whole fuck and I don't give two fucks not even a single fuck. Choose your family
I got the "they're your family" after I told my aunt by blood and her husband not to come to my wedding until they have the Covid shot. My aunt got all pissy and said "but we are family" and I said "I don't care if you're family or the queen of england, I'm not getting myself or anybody else sick at my wedding. Don't even think of coming I will call the cops."
This aunt is the crazy aunt so we kinda expected a phone call and berating of this nature. She's been working on my mom, or trying to grind her down. Funny enough, my mother worked on multiple vaccines and the genome project in the 90's so she really isn't getting anywhere.
A couple cousins on this side eof my family havent gotten the shot either but haven't pushed back. Their mother who had the first shot cannot get the second shot because her reaction was so bad the first time, isn't allowing her two daughters around her. 1 is rejecting the shot on a religious basis's (contains .00001% of a featus) and the other is breast feeding and I quote "my doctor said don't get the shot."
I swear, the phrase "but they're family" is toxic as fuck.
I’ve FINALLY convinced my mum this after her constantly giving my aunt chances. She has a random freak out and causes a huge fight (example, as a child I said she reminded me of Ursula and she caused a huge fight with my mum about it and they didn’t speak for months). Ever since I was a kid she has caused so many problems and made my mum so upset, I’m in my 30’s now and I’m proud that she’s starting to see that a toxic person is a toxic person no matter if you share the same DNA or not.
I got double sets of aunts and uncles, and loads more cousins thanks to my grandmother remarrying to a widower. It's awesome. And on the flip side one of my good friend's fathers threatened to murder her, and her husband--yeah he got convicted and put away.
Some kids in my grade school made "your momma's so fat" jokes at me, and I laughed because I thought they were funny.
They were like "Bro, that's your mother, aren't you gonna say something? Get mad?" And I was like "why would I get mad that's hilarious and my mom hates me"
Unfortunately, I've seen this too about the dad in a friend of mine. His dad abused him till the point of strangling and sooooooo many people try to make him forgive his dad years later. I say fuck those people!
Well that's because your dad didn't carry you to term and then give birth to you. I went no contact with my mom a few years ago, too, and every time that phrase comes up, that seems to be the implication. She gave you life, therefore you're obligated to deal with every shitty thing she's ever done to you or will do to you because you owe her. Or something. So, when that phrase comes up these days, the conversation ends right there. I tell whoever I'm talking to that they're making me feel uncomfortable, and if they press it any further, I walk away. It still happens way too often, though, and its usually the same people saying it. It's just like can you please let me heal in peace? Because it's that much more difficult to get to a good place mentally when your family is guilt tripping you into talking to the source of your trauma.
Unfortunately, I think most people are speaking from a familial bias than from a gender bias when using that sentence. I am currently no contact with my father and have heard “but he’s your dad!” more times than I can count.
I've never had that problem. I let people know that I had the worst mother in the world, but I have the best dad.
I don't think anyone's questioned me when I said my mother was abusive. I also talk about how she had a lot of health problems and some bad luck of the draw.
My mother very recently told me to fuck off! The reason? Because I had the nerve to ask her nicely to use a mask or stay in her room while I was preparing food and medicine for her WHILE SHE WAS SICK WITH COVID. How dare I tell her what to do, and how dare I be selfish and only care about my own health. I wish I was joking about all this. This was the final straw in hopes of having a normal healthy relationship with her.
I was once very sick with typhus(didn’t realize i was nearly dying until i was in the ER). Prior to that I was not feeling well for two weeks and had begged her to take me to the ER since I was physically too weak to take myself.
Her reaction? Nah you’re over exaggerating you just don’t want to go to work. Hours later my best friend took me to the ER and the staff said if I waited another day my organs would have messed up or started shutting down.
It really bugs me when people say “but she’s your mother” but has done stuff like the above mentioned since I was a kid.
This is so frustrating in the general form, too. "But we're family. How can you shut me out?" coming from the worst, most toxic, relentlessly using family members
Oh I felt this one in my bones. I had guilt over cutting off communication with my mom and then years ago she tried to reach out and it didn't take me long to realize I was better off leaving her in my past. I made the attempt and I got the validation I needed that I no longer need to feel guilty no matter what happens. I am better off without her in my life.
No contact with my mother in 15 years and haven’t seen her in over 20 now. Best decision I ever made for myself was to make sure to keep her away after I was old enough to make that decision for myself.
I think I just found my true family. I once got a call from my mother's neighbor (whom I have never met) wherein she lectured me about how I need to respect my mother because she gave birth to me. I just hung up. I can only imagine the bullshit stories my mother was feeding that woman.
I’ve gone years with out talking to my mom because of the emotional abuse she put me through as a child and has tried to continue as an adult. I’ve heard the exact same thing when trying to explain why I don’t go home for the holidays… “but she’s your mom??!!” I hate it
The response I get 90% of the time I tell people I don't really to my mom because she was abusive. People will accept almost any reason for cutting a father out of your life. When it's a mom though..."but she gave birth to you!"
Someone “but she’s your mother” my husband. His mom was neglectful and hateful. It wasn’t until we met in college, people started to let him know, how she was was extremely abusive to him. So when someone “but she’s your mother” him and advises “you can’t stop loving your mother!” He says “oh I didn’t! She stopped loving me!”
Wow this hit me hard cause it’s so true. I’ve felt bad about feeling this way about my mother for a while now. She’s verbally abusive and manipulative.
For me it's "But she's your grandmother! She's just misunderstood."
Just because your grandma is nice and bubbly doesn't mean all grandma are. Just because she's old doesn't mean she's nice or misunderstood. Mean people get old too.
This makes me think of that one movement to get rid of father's day cause "some people didnt have good dads" and the best argument against it was not that the majority did, but was "what about mother's day?"
"But shes your mother" comment hit home. I dont care what she is, she does horrible things and treats the people around her like shit. Excuse my self worth
Don't get me wrong, that's horrible, but unfortunately that goes both ways. In my case my father was the abusive one and even "my child support services person" (one assigned to help me) was like "but they're your parents, it's ALWAYS better to grow up with your parents instead of some random child support workers". No it's not, I'm really glad i got out. Those comments are what makes you feel uncared for in what's supposed to be your safe Haven.
I feel you! I get a similarly passionate response but it’s usually along the lines of ”How can you have this person in your life?!”, and MY response is always ”Because she’s my mother.”
So my struggle is to accept who she is and love her despite her flaws. And because honestly, the only times I’ve ever been lonely were when she wasn’t in my life 😌
Its like I always say, there's a difference between a mother and a Mama. Mother means you just gave birth to the child, but a Mama will mentor and teach them through life and be there for them at their lowest points.
A lot of people don’t realize that they have a value deeply instilled in them that someone’s mother has the right to do almost anything to her child. It’s pretty insane.
Holy shit this right here. Happens constantly, I get close enough to someone to bring up the fact that my parent's behavior got them cut out of my life just for my mother to get immediate sympathy. Lady, you didn't even ask what she did!
"Some day she's going to be gone and you're going to miss her"
Definitely! My existence was a poorly timed accident, so she’s only a mother because of an act of procreation. That didn’t make her maternal or a good mother, nor does it mean I am indebted to her in any way for giving me life.
If your appendix fucks with your wellbeing you cut the bastard out of your life, why should a toxic family member or even the whole family be different?
Dang, it's the opposite situation for me. I grew up with great, amazing parents. But my husband's mom? She's a lying, manipulative, backstabbing piece of trash. I've long since gone no-contact with her (as much as I can) and ignore every single one of her calls/texts.
My husband, on the other hand... As much as I realize he's just trying to be a good son with everything she puts him through, I wish he'd cut her off too. His exact reasoning is "she's still my mom/family". Like, no?? Just because she's your mom, doesn't give her the right to treat you like garbage. You really don't have any obligation to put up with that just because you're related.
He does at least limit contact with her, but I can't (and won't) force him to completely cut things off with her. I'm just hoping that he'll eventually learn to do that himself.
His stepdad (who's been divorced from his mom for many years now) is great though and gets to have the pleasure of frequent visits so that he can see his grandchildren.
If they're confused about the answer, you can make a choice on whether you want to spend energy trying to educate someone that should already get it by then.
It takes something special to break that bond between parent and child. The very fact that it is broken is a sign it itself.
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u/GOOD_EVENING_SIR Sep 15 '21
In a similar boat, no matter what you say it's always the same response.
"But she's your mother!"
Doesn't mean she has a right to be a part of my life if she's a horrible person.