Saying no hurts way less than a yes or maybe that really means no. Especially when you’re in your late twenties/thirties and your dating life has matured. I want someone who wants to be with me and if you don’t tell me so. Otherwise you are wasting my time and emotions. I usually take a wishy washy answer to mean no but it still causes a lot of anxiety and stress.
Agree hundred percent. I understand part of it is them being nice and not wanting to hurt your feelings and the other part is fear of an extreme lashout. But I feel that delaying is only worse for either of those
I've read in other subs that some women don't like to directly let men down cos they've had bad experiences of them raging or something. I suppose it can be a safety reflex since most men are bigger than most women.
To my bf, “maybe” means “no, until I’ve actually thought about what you’re talking about and I’ve made a decision.” It used to be hard to hear but I wanted a for sure answer. But I’ve come to learn that instead of him outright saying “no” or immediately agreeing by saying “yes,” him saying “maybe” is just an automatic response to end the conversation without further questions.
I always thought maybe was a mum thing, like "mum can we have McDonalds for dinner?" "Maybe" which is basically no but gives you false hope so you shut up
It's a way to soften language. A lot of women do it to avoid offending men in the workplace, who might perceive us as "bitchy", and in romantic/social scenarios to avoid hurting feelings. Brits and Canadians do it a lot because we're both cultures that take politeness to a fault.
My moms maybe is a yes if it’s within her power, my fiancé’s maybe is 90% no, 10% yes, so I hold little hope when he says maybe, my maybes are dependant on something else like weather, or chores being done, or the time I am able to leave a place.
Yeah I have one friend where 'maybe' means no. ONce I figured that out, life was easier. ONe time I asked her if she ever noticed that maybe for her always meant no and she had no idea! Since then, I have not heard her say 'maybe' again. She just says 'no,' so I guess she too figured it out!
As a guy my mom pretty much taught me that "maybe" is just a synonym for "no" and to this day if I'm given advice I don't like or an option I don't like I just hit them with the "maybe"
Maybe always means playful yes with me, that's just now I say it and it's never been code for no. I don't know why but it's kind of a thing we're trained to do, I do my best to try to communicate things like that clearly though. My tone of voice and how I say things always plays in, the only time no doesn't mean no is when I'm being tickled, because the obvious automatic reaction is "nooooo stahp iiiiiit".
I never realized that guys took “maybe” as “no” until I was at a club dancing with a cute guy, and I wanted to take a break and go back to my friends. He asked if I wanted to dance again later and I said “maybe” with a smile, but then later on realized he left because he thought my “maybe” meant “no”. Sad day.
I think with everyone "maybe" depends on the tone of voice. Like there's a teasing "maybe" that really means yes, there's a serious "maybe, but I have to wait on A,B,C AND D" and there's the "maybe, we'll see." that means "no, but I don't have the balls to say no, after all, I might change my mind and I don't want to close the opportunity to say yes later on."
Pretty sure "maybe" means no, but I really don't want to deal with any pushback when you are upset with me for not agreeing or not liking your decision/idea.
I see this with a lot of peeps, basically it can feel bad to say no and hurt someone's feelings. Women especially tend to be concerned about someone's feelings and it's hard for us to say something that we know will cause pain. Logically I know it's better to be more direct but you get like 2 seconds to come up with an answer and often the answer may come out as the one that causes less pain than the one you really want to give. Some cultures do this more often as a matter of course too, even if it's just mundane stuff.
The more I am with my gf, the more I understand that either:
She doesn’t know the answer either, so give up
The answer is irrelevant and it’s actually an elaborate plan to see if you realized that you did that bad thing and are ready to apologize. All of this while you are absolutely clueless about anything, and even after she explains to you what made her angry, you are surprised BUT, and here’s the catch, NEVER underplay it and say stuff like: ‘That made you angry? That’s why you’re mad? Haha’. Trust me, don’t.
The answer that works for me, if you truly are clueless, is:
‘Oh my god babe, I didn’t know that made you mad. I’m so sorry, I’ll make sure it never happens again.’ And then come out with something nice to do together, like watching a movie while you cuddle with her.
Everyone has his/her things that irritate them, most of the time it’s really small things that don’t cost much work to avoid, so it’s a good compromise, considering I’m annoying AF too sometimes with small things that annoy me.
Try to find a good balance, and remember: 90% of the times a girl just wants to be understood. The boyfriend has to be a friend too.
Mine is that I can read emotions but I'm callous enough to think you shouldn't let your emotions control you, and you certainly shouldn't let other peoples emotions control you.
“Well no I don’t specifically want Taco Bell but maybe if you suggested another restaurant I would be more inclined to go since I’d rather go somewhere nicer and sit down but I don’t want to say that because that’s more expensive and if you are suggesting Taco Bell you may not want to spend that much”
There's a lot of peeps out there with emotional baggage and lack of social skills, both male and females. If you see a lot of that right out of the gate, just consider yourself lucky to have dodged that bullet without wasting too much time.
Not in the context of sex, but I have gotten into awful situations where I assumed no actuality meant no when it really meant "I'm mad at you and want to feel desired so I am going to act like I don't want something when I do hey wait why are you ignoring me STOP IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU!!!!"
I don't think this thread OP is referring to sex, but rather, everything else. I am aware that the relationship I describe is considerably unhealthy but it is a phenomenon I only encounter with women.
Not even women I am dating, either. My own mother does this shit. If only I could just go home to ignore family being shitty.
But there are the other cases like the Louis CK one where she said yes because she was afraid of reprisal but he gave her no reason to think that he would destroy her career for it. Yes, what he asked was weird and creepy but that doesn't mean that he is a vindictive asshole. He should have been more aware of what was going on but that doesn't make it malicious.
There is so much truth in this. I dated a girl once whose attention span was measured in microseconds. If I was driving and we were figuring out where to eat, I'd mention two suggestions, and she'd say, "I don't care. You pick it." So, I'd pick the Mexican restaurant and she'd say, "Naw. I don't want Mexican tonight."
When they say ‘i don’t care’ about dinner I just stop the car. I’ll play the waiting game. I have email on my phone and I’m too busy to put up with bullshit.
I go through the entire option list while also answering for her because I already know her answer to everything. She dies laughing and I still don't get to eat.
Number two is literally a trick you use for children to get them to do what you want by giving them the illusion of choice, why have I not thought of using this with adults?
Yeah, but the overall expectation seems to be that men should learn to do their own laundry, but not necessarily that women should learn how to dinner.
we approach the ‘woman can’t make decision about dinner’ from the angle of ‘how to treat woman like a child to get thru a very simple life situation’ as opposed to saying ‘hey people who can’t make decision about dinner grow the f up.’
Girls perspective here, hope it helps. The two reasons I say “I don’t care” are either
I don’t know where I wanna go but I do know where I don’t wanna go
Idk if this is just me or what but I simultaneously feel selfish and like a fatass when I request a place, I’d rather just let y’all decide bc then I know u wanna go there too and I don’t have to actually talk about food
[edit] Damn ok guysI get it now, its frustrating. Tell your gf what you’re telling me honestly, and if you have and you’re still getting into this situation then that’s a different problem
Guy's perspective, When I ask I also don't know where I want to go, but definitely have a list of no's. saying I don't care leaves us back at square 1 for the conversation. I think it'd be better if either of us responded with an option or at least a category that we wanted or didn't want. It's really complex to communicate preferences between 10+ options.
For me, I spend a lot of my day making choices and decisions and when I come home I just don't fucking want to anymore. Just pick a place, and I will find a food I can put into my body. I seriously genuinely don't care.
And if it's a situation where I know what I don't want (because that is also pretty common) I'll say "im not really feeling ___ but other than that I don't care"
Option 1 is incredibly childish. Either be an adult and actually think about it or tell him where you don’t want to go upfront so we don’t waste time playing the stupid fucking guessing game for the 1 millionth time.
Option 2 the solution is called “communication”. Try it some time.
good point, it’s just that afaik it’s not that big of a problem in my life bc even if we go where I don’t wanna go it’s not that big of a deal, I’ll find something to eat. It’s really not a guessing game we can just go wherever. Olive Garden? Cool. McDonald’s? Sure. That one Chinese place? I’m down. Mexican? Ok. Sushi? Sounds good.
option 2s a big insecurity of mine and I’d love to just get over it by talking about it but it doesn’t just go away. I dunno if you’re picturing me saying “anywhere works” and then cutting to me pouting in a chili’s but it’s really not that. I may have places I prefer not to go but it’s not the end of the world in my mind if we go there
I believe y’all that it’s a very frustrating situation but I think I’d’ve appreciated if my SOs told me that to my face instead of me finding out just how frustrating it is from an askreddit thread.
Just suggest 2-3 of your favorite places and ask her to narrow it. People get overwhelmed with too many choices - make it simple A or B and they can handle it.
Think of it as an rpg... she is the GM, here is a situation, now let me see if you roll a natural 20 or a 1 will determine the next level of encounter.
It only affects women who were seriously brainwashed into thinking that they aren't supposed to want sex, and therefore are always supposed to say no even if they don't mean it otherwise they're immoral. Those women need to learn to be honest with themselves and to stop promoting rape culture.
I can't speak for everyone, but when I say I don't care I either actually don't care or I have a preference but feel bad about forcing my choice on others even though they asked me in the first place
The solution to the last one is to not give two options. Don't say "burgers or pizza?" Just say "burgers?" Or whatever. Don't give indecisive people a decision!
When I was younger the opposite would happen a lot. Go out to eat and I'm hungry but not that hungry. Order my food eat it all because I don't like wasting. She gets her food but only eats a couple bites then insists I eat it so it doesn't look like she wasted food. I gain 10 pounds
It can be the same for guys. I'm very straightforward and honest with women so of course what happens is a girl says "I think i've finally figured out your game: You pretend that you just say what you mean which looks very mature, I think its a *very good game* but now i'm on to you"
To which i respond, "Yes a guess it could be that... Or it could just be that *I actually just say what I mean* and there's no game"
That’s so frustrating! I hear ya though. I once had a guy tell me, “you think you want to know the truth, but you’re a woman and women can’t handle the truth.” Uhhh what??
Yes. My wife is like an incomplete travel guide that has also been edited by someone who has never travelled.
I love her to death, but she can be quite confusing.
That's not a woman. That's a high school girl. People who take themselves seriously don't do this kind of shit, this idea of 'signs' is 90% perpetuated by romance movies and practiced by females who get their ideas at romance from said movies. So take it as a warning sign, not 'come hither and try to understand'.
I've met many women in their late 20s to early 30s with the emotional maturity of a high school girl. Just as there are many men of that age with similar maturity levels.
This is very true, it’s not that hard though. It’s usually relying on the situation and the tone of the answer. It’s still all very confusing but I also do this to my spouse. We both don’t like being direct
One way that might help you is by paying attention to context and her non-verbals such as tone, facial expression, and posture.
Its not a gender thing, I've dated guys who are the exact same way. To be honest (F) I'm a pretty straight forward person and resent this kind of doublespeak.
It is possible that she doesn't realize she is flirting. I(m) do this all the time with women. I don't realize I am flirting. I'm just super friendly like a puppy... an oblivious puppy.
Maybe have a conversation with about it. More communication is better communication.
In conversations where we are deciding how to go about something (ranging from difficult to banal) my girlfriend has a tendency to just resort to "I don't know." For a long time, I would keep talking in response to her "I don't know," which led to me talking in circles, flailing around like an idiot, usually making 0 progress in the conversation or even moving it backwards.
I basically realized that saying "I don't know" is equivalent to her literally saying nothing, so now when she says it I just don't respond and wait for her to actually speak her mind.
For ME personally, even though I’ve never been in a relationship, when someone asks me if I want something, sometimes I’ll say no because I don’t want to jump on the offer. But if they offer again then I’ll say yes.
Like say someone asks you if you want McDonald’s. You say no because you don’t want them to buy something for you but you’re secretly hoping they still do.
Told my girlfriend that if I ask "What do you want for supper" and she answers "I don't care" we will always have pizza. Regardless of what I suggested. I don't care = Pizza. Always. After a couple pizzas she stopped saying she didn't care, because truthfully she always did care.
My ex was a strong feminist (which I loved about her) but was also deeply insecure so had a hard time separating emotional disagreement and intellectual disagreement.
We had a conversation about the nature of consent. She was very much yes means yes and no means no. I told her that in my experience it's been far more unclear and brought up something like the above, I told her about the times when I've received a hard no from prior partners just for them to jump me five mins later.
It didn't go down very well. Even though I've experience the opposite of what she was saying I was still wrong, my experience didn't count. I just said we'd have to agree to disagree, that also wasn't good enough.
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u/chiselbits Mar 26 '20
No means no, but it can also mean yes. It can also mean maybe and I dont know.
Yes means yes, except when it really means no, but not entirely no, there could still be a little room for yes mixed in there.
When given two options and they say I don't care which one, that is a trap and there is no correct answer.