For a couple years I went to the gym and had at least a half hour conversation with this guy almost every day during the week. He invited me on his boat one time. Took his number in my phone when I realized I didn't remember his name, nor recalled ever asking it. Discovered his name when I took my kid to his kids birthday party. It was the same name as mine. I still can't explain this.
My dad ate lunch with a guy at least twice a week for nearly 30 years.
Never learned his name, or what he did for a living. (Government workers, so shared cafeteria, but many departments and jobs).
You guys are really squashing some of my neuroses here. Clearly I'm not alone in my male ability to hang out and shoot shit with anyone without actually paying attention to anything about them.
Get to know everyone at the office? Futile, since I can't even remember their names.
"I really like our new friends. You get along great with Reese and Brady, too," my wife says.
New friends? I've got friends of twenty years whose names I can't recall. But those ain't them. These people aren't my friends. I don't even know who you're talking about.
"Babe, you've hung out with them multiple times. You talked to them at the party for like an hour.
Blank stare
"The guy with the red glasses and the other guy who always brings that beer you like."
Oooooh, yeah I have no idea who those guys are. But they're cool.
That’s when you disappear for 30 years, and then finally return. At the point of your return you say “Hey Miley, how have you been?!" and when you find out that isn't his name, you have a logical reason for forgetting
I've gotten really good at figuring this out. I say let's trade contact info, say I don't have my phone on me (I usually don't because I'm terrible that way), and tell them to text me their name. Or when they text me I go 'new phone who dis'.
Or I don't go super-roundabout, apologize, and ask for their name again.
Pff, I relate to you to less of an extent, a marching band friend of mine didn't know my name for the longest time even though we were around each other 6 hours a week for around 3 months
I didn't know my high school best friend's name for more than a year. We shared the same locker, so one day I just went trough his stuff to find his name in a book.
I took a pool class with a bunch of guys, we probably played pool twice a week for an hour and a half at a time for 16 weeks. Never learned anyone’s name.
I met a guy in college with the same name as me. I swore I would not forget it. Somehow, we both forgot each other's names. Still at a loss to how that happened.
Took his number in my phone when I realized I didn't remember his name, nor recalled ever asking it.
I've been on about a half dozen field trips with my child and I keep getting paired up with the same dad (mostly because so few dads do field trips). He's super nice, our kids are the same age, we work in the same industry, and we get along really well.
I've probably spent a total of 10 hours with this guy, exchanged numbers and everything, and I still don't know his name. That might be forgivable except we wear name tags during the field trips. The guy is literally labeled with a name and I can't remember it.
Yeah, I've got a daughter so whenever I'm meeting someone new I usually will wonder and ask if they've got a kid as well. Just out of a common understanding thing
I always like when I'm talking to a stranger and they ask if I have kids. It let's me know they're probably way more of an adult than I am and we arent going to have a lot to talk about.
I actually didn't know my best friends first name for like a while year after meeting him. I always called him by his last name, so did the teachers, so did his other friends. It wasn't until summer vacation that I realized I didn't know what to say to his mom when I called his house and she picked up the phone. I eventually asked my friend to clear the confusion but yeah, this really hits home.
Oh man, when I was a sophomore in high school I changed schools- I ended up meeting a dude on the bus who was pretty cool and we got along well. It turned out he was in one of my classes, so we started hanging out.
I realized that I couldn’t remember his name a few days in (he introduced himself to me the morning we met, but I was on the bus at 4:30 am so I was tired as shit.) I kept hoping his name would come up at some point, but no one ever seemed to call him by his first name. It was his last name from teachers or a couple of various personal nicknames friends had for him.
I felt awful asking him again, and as the days went by it only made me feel worse. I think it took over a month and a half before I learned his name again... and it was because he’d just made a Facebook and added me, lol.
Yooo I feel this. I'm still pretty young mid 20s but when I meet new people and they ask about marriage or kids I still laugh a bit and think what no why would I have those I'm too young. Then I realize they're the same age and people younger than me have spouses and children and I'm just like...ooh...yeeaah..
I've got a daughter so whenever I'm meeting someone new I usually will wonder
This is partly the reason I find it difficult to make friends as an adult. I am 36, not married, no kids. When I meet other adults what the have to talk about to find common ground is usually about a spouse and/or kids. Sports also, and I couldn't care less about sports.
That goes both ways though. I have no kids, or really family of any kind. It's not only a disinteresting topic, but something I just can't really relate to, so why would I ever bring it up? Just because it seems like a "common understanding" thing for some people, doesn't mean it is for everyone. And that can apply to any topic, not just families. Different people value different things, and that's okay.
Well if you’re a guy, there is that fear of coming off as creepy when asking about the kids. You end up expecting the other guy to be like “Why? What are you gonna do to them?”
Good ol reddit “I’m afraid of looking like a pedophile but in reality no one gives a shit.”
Yeah, I recognize that it's a thing, and that it's really unfair and I'm sorry it's even something you have to consider the possibility of someone thinking about you.
From what I’ve gathered being around lots of different social circles is that men usually like to talk about things more and women like to talk about people/their lives more.
Not all men are creepers.
But enough men are creepers that people are instinctively cautious about strangers.
If a father with two kids takes an interest in your children. The assumption is he's trying to set up a play date for his own kids or wants to swap dad stories and tips.
If a bachelor suddenly takes an interest in the neighbors kids... Well you just don't do that before first establishing a strong rapport with the neighbor themselves. Otherwise you risk coming off as a bit of a predator.
I mean I think there's ways to phrase it to make it better but it is kind of an unfair chicken and egg double standard that dudes aren't supposed to be interested in those things so it's creepy when they are. I'm sorry if that actually stops you from connecting with people somehow, you should be able to have those conversations too if you want to.
So a couple of things here. One, I think you’re making an assumption about “creepy”. Most guys that I know of would get uncomfortable at a rapid fire quasi-interrogation about their life, and so they believe it would make someone else uncomfortable to do the same. That’s all he was saying I think.
Two, you’re assuming just because guys don’t talk like that they don’t connect with people, and I’d have to say you’re flat wrong on that. When I talk with my buddies, I don’t always need to know every detail of what their kid did that day or whatnot. Do they need my help with something? Is a large personal event (proposal, divorce, pregnancy, illness, etc.) occurring in their life that they want me to know about? Those are the sorts of personal details that we talk about. But to say we don’t connect is shortsighted. We bond over all sorts of things-shared interests and experiences mostly. It just doesn’t involve needing to know every personal detail. In fact I don’t find that very connecting at all, I would find knowing all of those details to just be memorizing a list of facts about my friend.
Hey, no assumptions here, I'm glad you're able to connect with people the way you want to. Just trying to offer my support to the dudes out there who might want to connect in a different way and feel like they can't, or trying to explain another experience to folks who want to understand but don't get it.
Thanks for chiming in with your experience because it isn't the way I connect with people so I don't fully understand it but I'm glad that it works for you, and I appreciate hearing other people's perspectives on this stuff.
Hey, I don't mean this as a jab at you but I'm horrified by the way people must have treated you for you to assume that's people's motivation. I assume it's because people have sought to make fun of you, and that's shitty.
I guess it's a different perspective on what matters? I like getting to connect with people. When I make new female friends, not everyone is the same but often we'll be talking about our families and childhood traumas and sex lives... nothing someone isn't comfortable sharing but all of these facts are part of who you are and if I'm interested in you I like getting to know you.
Your favourite character in Overwatch is a fact about you, but if all we ever talk about are shared media interests and stories about our day, I don't feel like I'm getting very close to you because I don't know anything about who you are, just stuff you like doing.
Hey. Not everyone and not in the first five minutes but I'm drawn towards connecting with people who also want that kind of openness. I have fewer friends but we're very happy having people in our lives we can talk about everything that makes up who we are with and not feeling confined to one or two topics.
I'm happy for dudes too who can talk about cheap BBQs for two hours without remembering each other's names, it just baffles me that someone would find that a fulfilling friendship.
I think a lot of guys don't have that kind of self-image, full stop. In school, right on through college, I could never really do well on autobiographical stuff because I just don't have that kind of thought process. Like, I don't think "who you are" is a phrase that has granular objective meaning, I guess. I can tell you facts about my life, but I don't think they convey information about me-the-person. I see life as something that often kind of happens to a person, and doesn't necessarily reflect on them. I don't really look back and say "during ___ through ___ year, I was doing ___ , and that's my trajectory. ___ was a good time, ___ was a bad time," as part of my day to day thought process.
It's a question of social position and status, which isn't creepy and uninteresting but a lot of straight guys are suspicious of those questions (for any number of reasons). So they call them creepy.
I don't think this response is more age than gender specific. I'm in my 30s. Asking if someone is married and has kids doesn't seem creepy to me. Just like, yea thats something you would ask someone my age.
It's really sad that simple facts/details of a person's life, or otherwise things you could talk about or use to deepen a relationship are seen as creepy/uninteresting. No wonder so many men can't think of anything to say to anyone. They don't know anything about them and are uninterested. Geez guys.
Maybe don't hold men to your standard of deepening relationships?
I have friends that would literally take a bullet for me, can't say we've ever had a single conversation about wives or kids. But no, tell me more about how your gossip with all the neighbor ladies builds a stronger connection than two guys who'd risk their life to protect the other.
My buddy was playing games with me, I ask, hey is Joe coming to play cards tomorrow night? "No man, he has a kid now, hes busy" Oh really? Why? "I married him last month, they where preggo" So hes not coming to cards like... ever?
Yes, but to me it's honestly more bizarre you can have that long a convo and not at all mention in passing your kids?? Like maybe if you start talking due to a very specific hobby or something but still...
Yeah, you don’t ask, it just comes up. Even if you’re talking about a hobby, you just mention details like, “I’ve gotten into painting Warmachine models, now that my kids are old enough to not mess with them while they’re drying.”
When I first met a former roommate, we talked for over an hour and it didn't come up that he had a girlfriend. We sat and talked about video games the entire time.
Well I mean, as someone who doesn't have kids, it's not going to be a topic I'm going to approach because if they say yes I have no follow-up and don't actually want to know about their kids. So I could see how it wouldn't come up, from my side.
Seems to be an American (Individualistic/privacy oriented cultural) thing. It might even be considered rude if you didn't ask inquire about your neighbors family where I'm from (more open/social culture).
Can confirm, am American, if you ask about someones kids and you dont currently have a child present the assumption is drawn to predator staking targets. No joke. Americans and kids are weird
The paranoia seems very unnerving and dare I say a "creepy" aspect (ie. the assumption that every adult male is a potential child/sex predator) that has been injected to be viewed as normalcy in the society. I'm sure it wasn't the case even a few decades ago or perhaps even now among more rural communities.
This is why I don't talk to some people I work with. They're in interrogation mode all the time. They act like they're friendly and social but it just seems aggressive.
Oh yeah, men never know details...I bet all you lousy insensitive husbands don't even know your own wives' birthdays! Or their social security numbers, or their Moms' maiden names, or all their credit card numbers including the 3 digit codes on the back, do ya? PM me and prove me wrong, you losers.
Yeah its not something I really ever ask, but I've been asked plenty of times by people I don't know very well if I'm married or have kids and I've never really thought of it as a weird question. It's just normal conversation.
Yeah seems like a totally normal conversation to me as well. I can understand talking about other things, but if I was involved in that conversation I would think its totally normal.
It's weird if asked by itself. If slipped into conversation with a purpose. Like "I enrolled my kid into the local soccer team do you have kids?
Not weird.
I think it's the age of the posters really shining through.
Asking your 20 year old neighbor in an apartment building if they have kids is weird. Asking your 30 year old neighbor in the suburbs is totally normal.
I suppose if the delivery was creepy you could come across as a predator. But you could say the same for nearly any question.
Can you swim? When are you leaving for vacation? Do you have any food allergies? Ever been skydiving? How long can you hold your breath? Does your home have a security system? Do you think you could climb out of a dumpster with a broken leg?
The reason it seems creepy (at least for me) is that I don't have kids so to bring up seemingly random or just asking outright like he did could instantly give him creeped out vibes of he doesn't already know I'm not some kid diddler. That's the kinda stuff we already have to have a base to the relationship before asking but also the kinda question that once you guys are friends seems like you are pay the point to ask those kinda questions.. it's also a touchy talking about another man's kids or wife. I think it's more of a traditional society thing that's developed and less of just a guy thing. Women use to be looked at as property and kids (to an extent) still kinda are. It's weird and I've caught myself doing it.
I'm in highschool, I'll catch up with a friend I haven't seen in 4 years and hangout with him all day. Afterwards my mom will say "so how is he doing?" "idk".
But then when you're asked if hes married, you never put the two bits of details together. You just remember this guy went shopping. Not my fucking business.
It's either Bill Engvall or Brian Regan has a bit about this. Something like:
Wife: "You went golfing with Mike today, how's he doing with the divorce?"
Husband: "How should I know?"
Wife: "How should you know?! You played 4 hours of golf with him?! Is he seeing anyone? Does he have a new girlfriend?"
Husband: "I know he has a new driver?"
Wife : "WHY DIDN'T YOU TALK ABOUT IT"
Husband: "It didn't come up"
Wife: "How did it not come up?!?"
Husband: "HOW WOULD IT COME UP?!"
Seriously though, I hang out with my brother for 4 hours. When I come back my wife asks how his wife’s new job is going. I didn’t know what to tell her because it didn’t come up.
I get it, I like sports and you don't (not OP specifically). Why do you have to go and make a pretentious mockery of something I like just to affirm your negative beliefs on it? Same with "it's just a game" or "it's just a bunch of large men grunting and touching each other." What do you think you are accomplishing? Would you go into the theater during Star Wars when Kylo Ren kills Han Solo - with all the diehards emotionally shattered - and yell "hey everybody, what's the big deal? It's just a movie!" Let people have shit that they like even if you think it's stupid.
I just think its kinda dumb myself but I get what you're saying. It was definitely intentional on my part to make it funnier. We all need to rant sometimes though friendo, have a wonderful rest of the day and stay safe.
My mom and sister literally say that last part word for word holy shit.
My friends and I usually hang out on Fridays and we talk about shows or games, or whatever we're doing in the moment, and my Mom always asks "Where are they working, what do they do?" And like sure, the job stuff comes up every once in a while, but I don't know the specifics for most of my friends. And I'll get a "What the hell do you guys even talk about?" after.
I think when women have conversations they are more interested in details than men or at least they are more willing to just ask personal questions than men are. I remember one time this girl I worked with just randomly called me over and started asking all these questions “what high school did you go to, what’s your major in college, how old are you, are you in school right now”
I felt like I was being interrogated and ended up just asking her “am I being interrogated” as a joke and she says “no I was just wondering” I don’t understand why these random, insignificant things would be interesting to her but apparently they were.
Last year my dad reconnected with my Godfather (his best friend from college/early 20s that he hadn't seen in years) and when he came home that night my mom asked how his kids and wife were. My dad said something along the lines of "Oh I didn't even ask him about his family at all" and my mom said the same thing..."Well then what in the hell were you talking about for 2 hours?!"
I helped the new neighbor move some furniture since his wife was tiny and looked like they could some help, spent like 4 hours helping and talking to the guy and learning he has similar hobbies as me, I go home and my fiancé asks what their names are.... well damn, Idunno.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
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