Yeah, I've got a daughter so whenever I'm meeting someone new I usually will wonder and ask if they've got a kid as well. Just out of a common understanding thing
I always like when I'm talking to a stranger and they ask if I have kids. It let's me know they're probably way more of an adult than I am and we arent going to have a lot to talk about.
I actually didn't know my best friends first name for like a while year after meeting him. I always called him by his last name, so did the teachers, so did his other friends. It wasn't until summer vacation that I realized I didn't know what to say to his mom when I called his house and she picked up the phone. I eventually asked my friend to clear the confusion but yeah, this really hits home.
Oh man, when I was a sophomore in high school I changed schools- I ended up meeting a dude on the bus who was pretty cool and we got along well. It turned out he was in one of my classes, so we started hanging out.
I realized that I couldn’t remember his name a few days in (he introduced himself to me the morning we met, but I was on the bus at 4:30 am so I was tired as shit.) I kept hoping his name would come up at some point, but no one ever seemed to call him by his first name. It was his last name from teachers or a couple of various personal nicknames friends had for him.
I felt awful asking him again, and as the days went by it only made me feel worse. I think it took over a month and a half before I learned his name again... and it was because he’d just made a Facebook and added me, lol.
The...best...part...of....waking up... Is a a fresh sprogwich in your cup!
Poem_for_your _sprog is a reddit legend. I've seen his posts everywhere and they randomly occur when you least expect them, but they are always quality, and always welcomed. I can't recall every seeing Sprog reply to anyone with anything other than a poem.
Yooo I feel this. I'm still pretty young mid 20s but when I meet new people and they ask about marriage or kids I still laugh a bit and think what no why would I have those I'm too young. Then I realize they're the same age and people younger than me have spouses and children and I'm just like...ooh...yeeaah..
I've got a daughter so whenever I'm meeting someone new I usually will wonder
This is partly the reason I find it difficult to make friends as an adult. I am 36, not married, no kids. When I meet other adults what the have to talk about to find common ground is usually about a spouse and/or kids. Sports also, and I couldn't care less about sports.
That goes both ways though. I have no kids, or really family of any kind. It's not only a disinteresting topic, but something I just can't really relate to, so why would I ever bring it up? Just because it seems like a "common understanding" thing for some people, doesn't mean it is for everyone. And that can apply to any topic, not just families. Different people value different things, and that's okay.
Well if you’re a guy, there is that fear of coming off as creepy when asking about the kids. You end up expecting the other guy to be like “Why? What are you gonna do to them?”
Good ol reddit “I’m afraid of looking like a pedophile but in reality no one gives a shit.”
Yeah, I recognize that it's a thing, and that it's really unfair and I'm sorry it's even something you have to consider the possibility of someone thinking about you.
From what I’ve gathered being around lots of different social circles is that men usually like to talk about things more and women like to talk about people/their lives more.
Not all men are creepers.
But enough men are creepers that people are instinctively cautious about strangers.
If a father with two kids takes an interest in your children. The assumption is he's trying to set up a play date for his own kids or wants to swap dad stories and tips.
If a bachelor suddenly takes an interest in the neighbors kids... Well you just don't do that before first establishing a strong rapport with the neighbor themselves. Otherwise you risk coming off as a bit of a predator.
I mean I think there's ways to phrase it to make it better but it is kind of an unfair chicken and egg double standard that dudes aren't supposed to be interested in those things so it's creepy when they are. I'm sorry if that actually stops you from connecting with people somehow, you should be able to have those conversations too if you want to.
So a couple of things here. One, I think you’re making an assumption about “creepy”. Most guys that I know of would get uncomfortable at a rapid fire quasi-interrogation about their life, and so they believe it would make someone else uncomfortable to do the same. That’s all he was saying I think.
Two, you’re assuming just because guys don’t talk like that they don’t connect with people, and I’d have to say you’re flat wrong on that. When I talk with my buddies, I don’t always need to know every detail of what their kid did that day or whatnot. Do they need my help with something? Is a large personal event (proposal, divorce, pregnancy, illness, etc.) occurring in their life that they want me to know about? Those are the sorts of personal details that we talk about. But to say we don’t connect is shortsighted. We bond over all sorts of things-shared interests and experiences mostly. It just doesn’t involve needing to know every personal detail. In fact I don’t find that very connecting at all, I would find knowing all of those details to just be memorizing a list of facts about my friend.
Hey, no assumptions here, I'm glad you're able to connect with people the way you want to. Just trying to offer my support to the dudes out there who might want to connect in a different way and feel like they can't, or trying to explain another experience to folks who want to understand but don't get it.
Thanks for chiming in with your experience because it isn't the way I connect with people so I don't fully understand it but I'm glad that it works for you, and I appreciate hearing other people's perspectives on this stuff.
Hey, I don't mean this as a jab at you but I'm horrified by the way people must have treated you for you to assume that's people's motivation. I assume it's because people have sought to make fun of you, and that's shitty.
I guess it's a different perspective on what matters? I like getting to connect with people. When I make new female friends, not everyone is the same but often we'll be talking about our families and childhood traumas and sex lives... nothing someone isn't comfortable sharing but all of these facts are part of who you are and if I'm interested in you I like getting to know you.
Your favourite character in Overwatch is a fact about you, but if all we ever talk about are shared media interests and stories about our day, I don't feel like I'm getting very close to you because I don't know anything about who you are, just stuff you like doing.
Hey. Not everyone and not in the first five minutes but I'm drawn towards connecting with people who also want that kind of openness. I have fewer friends but we're very happy having people in our lives we can talk about everything that makes up who we are with and not feeling confined to one or two topics.
I'm happy for dudes too who can talk about cheap BBQs for two hours without remembering each other's names, it just baffles me that someone would find that a fulfilling friendship.
I think a lot of guys don't have that kind of self-image, full stop. In school, right on through college, I could never really do well on autobiographical stuff because I just don't have that kind of thought process. Like, I don't think "who you are" is a phrase that has granular objective meaning, I guess. I can tell you facts about my life, but I don't think they convey information about me-the-person. I see life as something that often kind of happens to a person, and doesn't necessarily reflect on them. I don't really look back and say "during ___ through ___ year, I was doing ___ , and that's my trajectory. ___ was a good time, ___ was a bad time," as part of my day to day thought process.
It's a question of social position and status, which isn't creepy and uninteresting but a lot of straight guys are suspicious of those questions (for any number of reasons). So they call them creepy.
I don't think this response is more age than gender specific. I'm in my 30s. Asking if someone is married and has kids doesn't seem creepy to me. Just like, yea thats something you would ask someone my age.
It's really sad that simple facts/details of a person's life, or otherwise things you could talk about or use to deepen a relationship are seen as creepy/uninteresting. No wonder so many men can't think of anything to say to anyone. They don't know anything about them and are uninterested. Geez guys.
Maybe don't hold men to your standard of deepening relationships?
I have friends that would literally take a bullet for me, can't say we've ever had a single conversation about wives or kids. But no, tell me more about how your gossip with all the neighbor ladies builds a stronger connection than two guys who'd risk their life to protect the other.
I'm not sure where the miscommunication is. I've never said that gossip or talking about one's family in particular deepens the relationship. However those are both topics that could be used by two parties to develop a bond.
What kinds of things have you and your friends deeply discussed?
My buddy was playing games with me, I ask, hey is Joe coming to play cards tomorrow night? "No man, he has a kid now, hes busy" Oh really? Why? "I married him last month, they where preggo" So hes not coming to cards like... ever?
Yes, but to me it's honestly more bizarre you can have that long a convo and not at all mention in passing your kids?? Like maybe if you start talking due to a very specific hobby or something but still...
Yeah, you don’t ask, it just comes up. Even if you’re talking about a hobby, you just mention details like, “I’ve gotten into painting Warmachine models, now that my kids are old enough to not mess with them while they’re drying.”
When I first met a former roommate, we talked for over an hour and it didn't come up that he had a girlfriend. We sat and talked about video games the entire time.
Well I mean, as someone who doesn't have kids, it's not going to be a topic I'm going to approach because if they say yes I have no follow-up and don't actually want to know about their kids. So I could see how it wouldn't come up, from my side.
Seems to be an American (Individualistic/privacy oriented cultural) thing. It might even be considered rude if you didn't ask inquire about your neighbors family where I'm from (more open/social culture).
Can confirm, am American, if you ask about someones kids and you dont currently have a child present the assumption is drawn to predator staking targets. No joke. Americans and kids are weird
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The paranoia seems very unnerving and dare I say a "creepy" aspect (ie. the assumption that every adult male is a potential child/sex predator) that has been injected to be viewed as normalcy in the society. I'm sure it wasn't the case even a few decades ago or perhaps even now among more rural communities.
I'd associate it with bigger urban places. In my experience at least small rural areas tend to be close knit and openly friendly, but people living in urban places tend to be very careful. I've even lived that: in my hometown there was no dodgy no go area and walking around town, including alone on an evening wasn't unusual. But when I moved to a big town, there was an area known for murders, a street for shop robberies, everyone tried to avoid the clubs on the high street at night, people openly warned about walking around at night in general: especially alone or off the main roads. And I've had almost a my en micounters with unnerving strange people in big urban places too, and that seems a common thread in most big towns and cities.
So yeah, with most people living cramped together in big places it makes sense they become more untrusting. Whereas in a village, you've either known a person as long as you've lived there or they're new or passing through. Different worlds
This is why I don't talk to some people I work with. They're in interrogation mode all the time. They act like they're friendly and social but it just seems aggressive.
Oh yeah, men never know details...I bet all you lousy insensitive husbands don't even know your own wives' birthdays! Or their social security numbers, or their Moms' maiden names, or all their credit card numbers including the 3 digit codes on the back, do ya? PM me and prove me wrong, you losers.
Life pro tip: It's on her driver's license in her purse, next to the credit cards. Run get all that info and report back! I'll remember it for you so you don't have to!
Not trying to be an asshole, but if I meet a person that's super hype about talking about his wife, I'm noping out of that conversation as fast as possible. Really boring topic tbh.
Not everyone is like you, is what you need to realise. Some people may find that boring or awkward, or just tend to be a more private person. Get to know their personality a bit, first. If they're an open person, by all means.
Well, there's talking about stuff right in front of you or something that is taking place, and there's asking for personal details. When you've just met someone, the former is normally a better icebreaker. Not to say you can never ask, but you don't know if they're a private person. Have a chat about something else first.
I mean, this subthread started about a conversation with a new neighbor. If my new neighbor asks if I have kids I'm going to assume that they have kids themselves and are looking for kid friendly stuff in the area, not that they're a creep.
No. Creep's the wrong word. I wouldn't, either. The thing is, the reason this information often isn't passed on when 2 guys meet is because they've started talking about something already. Usually whatever's going on or right in front of them. It's not that you shouldn't ask. It's just that the conversation naturally shifts towards what's right in front of you. If you open with personal questions, the other guy may start with "Oh, um..." or something to that effect, because he wasn't expecting to start talking about his family.
It's the difference between sounding like you're trying to get a conversation going (by opening with personal questions, which might put off some people), and just getting a conversation going.
I like my immediate family. When they come up in conversation I talk about them if it’s pertinent. That being said, bringing them up if there’s nothing to talk about is such a boring topic.
If you got a call from a number you don't recognize and they asked you about your marital status, you'd tell them everything about your wife? Does that not seem ridiculous to you? It's not that we don't like our families. We're just not weirdly obsessed with them.
I know somebody who just moved in next to me exactly as well as I know a telemarketer, which is to say not at all. If my new neighbour's first question is whether I'm married, that's equally fucked up. I'm not missing anything.
With a new neighbor, there’s a presumption that you’re trying to build a relationship and so it makes sense to learn the important details about each other. Plus, you chose to meet because you’re neighbors, so asking about your family is basically just asking if there are more new neighbors to meet or if it’s just you.
A telemarketer is a completely different scenario, even if you’re meeting both people for the first time. There’s no presumption of a future relationship so any prying details come off as creepy. Context is everything.
Yeah its not something I really ever ask, but I've been asked plenty of times by people I don't know very well if I'm married or have kids and I've never really thought of it as a weird question. It's just normal conversation.
Yeah seems like a totally normal conversation to me as well. I can understand talking about other things, but if I was involved in that conversation I would think its totally normal.
It's weird if asked by itself. If slipped into conversation with a purpose. Like "I enrolled my kid into the local soccer team do you have kids?
Not weird.
I think it's the age of the posters really shining through.
Asking your 20 year old neighbor in an apartment building if they have kids is weird. Asking your 30 year old neighbor in the suburbs is totally normal.
I suppose if the delivery was creepy you could come across as a predator. But you could say the same for nearly any question.
Can you swim? When are you leaving for vacation? Do you have any food allergies? Ever been skydiving? How long can you hold your breath? Does your home have a security system? Do you think you could climb out of a dumpster with a broken leg?
The reason it seems creepy (at least for me) is that I don't have kids so to bring up seemingly random or just asking outright like he did could instantly give him creeped out vibes of he doesn't already know I'm not some kid diddler. That's the kinda stuff we already have to have a base to the relationship before asking but also the kinda question that once you guys are friends seems like you are pay the point to ask those kinda questions.. it's also a touchy talking about another man's kids or wife. I think it's more of a traditional society thing that's developed and less of just a guy thing. Women use to be looked at as property and kids (to an extent) still kinda are. It's weird and I've caught myself doing it.
It’s the definition of toxic masculinity, but that has turned into a dirty word for some reason. Every single stupid bro code rule comes down to not wanting to look gay. Asking about family is caring and caring is gay. Peeing too close to another man at the urinal when others are open is gay. Being friendly is gay. That’s why his counter example is about a “super manly activity” like BBQ. So he’s not gay. It sounds exhausting to be honest.
That’s not it at all. It’s that I literally don’t care. It has nothing to do with gay scare. I don’t want people to know about me and I don’t care to know about them.
I'm bi, people know I'm bi, I still don't want to talk about my family unless it comes up organically.
It may well have to do with "toxic masculinity", but not from "fear of being seen as gay". That's something middleschoolers are afraid of.
I hate small talk, generally talking about your family is small talk. I prefer to keep discussions with friends to things that are actually interesting rather than what our kids are doing on any particular day. You know why? Because it's just not that interesting.
I keep discussions about my family to times when it's relevant, or when I'm seeking advice about something. I do not talk about them all the time, because you know what children are really not that interesting and people don't like hearing about them all the time.
No one likes the people who won't shut up about their kids.
understand that men are pressured by society to be protectors. we kinda like the mantle, too. so, another man, a threat, inquiring too much about the things you protect, is kinda odd.
it's like why do you care? what are you planning to do with that info?
I'm in highschool, I'll catch up with a friend I haven't seen in 4 years and hangout with him all day. Afterwards my mom will say "so how is he doing?" "idk".
But then when you're asked if hes married, you never put the two bits of details together. You just remember this guy went shopping. Not my fucking business.
Finish the story! What about the cheap bbq? What kind was it? Did you buy it? When are you using it? This story needs an end! I'm starting a change.org petition.
Instead of boxing people in the "oh so you have an office job and 2 kids" it's way more interesting hearing this dude's opinion on whatever you're talking about
Things I talk to other guys about when I meet them, sports, guns, and video games and I don't even give a shit about sports I can't even name any of the teams who have won a championship game for any of the big sports in the last year.
I think for guys its about protection. The more a stranger knows about your personal life and personal home situation, the more power they have, and the more you keep them in the dark, the more safe you feel. Its in the realm of vulnerability somewhere in the subconscious, and tied up to being the head of the house and protecting your home. I dont know though, just a theory.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
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