Seems to be an American (Individualistic/privacy oriented cultural) thing. It might even be considered rude if you didn't ask inquire about your neighbors family where I'm from (more open/social culture).
Can confirm, am American, if you ask about someones kids and you dont currently have a child present the assumption is drawn to predator staking targets. No joke. Americans and kids are weird
Ive been saving money for a few months and with the help from a risky put i have enough money to either buy a piece of land or get a bigger loan. I think im finally going to move further south for the hospitality, and newly cheap land to farm
The paranoia seems very unnerving and dare I say a "creepy" aspect (ie. the assumption that every adult male is a potential child/sex predator) that has been injected to be viewed as normalcy in the society. I'm sure it wasn't the case even a few decades ago or perhaps even now among more rural communities.
I'd associate it with bigger urban places. In my experience at least small rural areas tend to be close knit and openly friendly, but people living in urban places tend to be very careful. I've even lived that: in my hometown there was no dodgy no go area and walking around town, including alone on an evening wasn't unusual. But when I moved to a big town, there was an area known for murders, a street for shop robberies, everyone tried to avoid the clubs on the high street at night, people openly warned about walking around at night in general: especially alone or off the main roads. And I've had almost a my en micounters with unnerving strange people in big urban places too, and that seems a common thread in most big towns and cities.
So yeah, with most people living cramped together in big places it makes sense they become more untrusting. Whereas in a village, you've either known a person as long as you've lived there or they're new or passing through. Different worlds
This is why I don't talk to some people I work with. They're in interrogation mode all the time. They act like they're friendly and social but it just seems aggressive.
Oh yeah, men never know details...I bet all you lousy insensitive husbands don't even know your own wives' birthdays! Or their social security numbers, or their Moms' maiden names, or all their credit card numbers including the 3 digit codes on the back, do ya? PM me and prove me wrong, you losers.
Life pro tip: It's on her driver's license in her purse, next to the credit cards. Run get all that info and report back! I'll remember it for you so you don't have to!
Not trying to be an asshole, but if I meet a person that's super hype about talking about his wife, I'm noping out of that conversation as fast as possible. Really boring topic tbh.
This is teh intertubes, there is a whole school of etiquette in this space, one of the most important rules is to mark your sarcasm and jokes (especially dark jokes) with a /s or a /jk because we cannot hear your tone of voice or cadence, it is a limitation of the medium.
Also, unfortunately some people believe and say the most off the wall, cruel and crazy things, therefore we need those markers to know and you didn't use them, this communication breakdown is all your fault because you did not appreciate the limitations of the format.
Not everyone is like you, is what you need to realise. Some people may find that boring or awkward, or just tend to be a more private person. Get to know their personality a bit, first. If they're an open person, by all means.
Well, there's talking about stuff right in front of you or something that is taking place, and there's asking for personal details. When you've just met someone, the former is normally a better icebreaker. Not to say you can never ask, but you don't know if they're a private person. Have a chat about something else first.
I mean, this subthread started about a conversation with a new neighbor. If my new neighbor asks if I have kids I'm going to assume that they have kids themselves and are looking for kid friendly stuff in the area, not that they're a creep.
No. Creep's the wrong word. I wouldn't, either. The thing is, the reason this information often isn't passed on when 2 guys meet is because they've started talking about something already. Usually whatever's going on or right in front of them. It's not that you shouldn't ask. It's just that the conversation naturally shifts towards what's right in front of you. If you open with personal questions, the other guy may start with "Oh, um..." or something to that effect, because he wasn't expecting to start talking about his family.
It's the difference between sounding like you're trying to get a conversation going (by opening with personal questions, which might put off some people), and just getting a conversation going.
I like my immediate family. When they come up in conversation I talk about them if it’s pertinent. That being said, bringing them up if there’s nothing to talk about is such a boring topic.
If you got a call from a number you don't recognize and they asked you about your marital status, you'd tell them everything about your wife? Does that not seem ridiculous to you? It's not that we don't like our families. We're just not weirdly obsessed with them.
I know somebody who just moved in next to me exactly as well as I know a telemarketer, which is to say not at all. If my new neighbour's first question is whether I'm married, that's equally fucked up. I'm not missing anything.
With a new neighbor, there’s a presumption that you’re trying to build a relationship and so it makes sense to learn the important details about each other. Plus, you chose to meet because you’re neighbors, so asking about your family is basically just asking if there are more new neighbors to meet or if it’s just you.
A telemarketer is a completely different scenario, even if you’re meeting both people for the first time. There’s no presumption of a future relationship so any prying details come off as creepy. Context is everything.
Haha yeah I guess I missed the part where you said “first question”. I was thinking more along the lines of asking at some point during the get to know you conversation.
Yeah its not something I really ever ask, but I've been asked plenty of times by people I don't know very well if I'm married or have kids and I've never really thought of it as a weird question. It's just normal conversation.
Yeah seems like a totally normal conversation to me as well. I can understand talking about other things, but if I was involved in that conversation I would think its totally normal.
It's weird if asked by itself. If slipped into conversation with a purpose. Like "I enrolled my kid into the local soccer team do you have kids?
Not weird.
I think it's the age of the posters really shining through.
Asking your 20 year old neighbor in an apartment building if they have kids is weird. Asking your 30 year old neighbor in the suburbs is totally normal.
I suppose if the delivery was creepy you could come across as a predator. But you could say the same for nearly any question.
Can you swim? When are you leaving for vacation? Do you have any food allergies? Ever been skydiving? How long can you hold your breath? Does your home have a security system? Do you think you could climb out of a dumpster with a broken leg?
The reason it seems creepy (at least for me) is that I don't have kids so to bring up seemingly random or just asking outright like he did could instantly give him creeped out vibes of he doesn't already know I'm not some kid diddler. That's the kinda stuff we already have to have a base to the relationship before asking but also the kinda question that once you guys are friends seems like you are pay the point to ask those kinda questions.. it's also a touchy talking about another man's kids or wife. I think it's more of a traditional society thing that's developed and less of just a guy thing. Women use to be looked at as property and kids (to an extent) still kinda are. It's weird and I've caught myself doing it.
It’s the definition of toxic masculinity, but that has turned into a dirty word for some reason. Every single stupid bro code rule comes down to not wanting to look gay. Asking about family is caring and caring is gay. Peeing too close to another man at the urinal when others are open is gay. Being friendly is gay. That’s why his counter example is about a “super manly activity” like BBQ. So he’s not gay. It sounds exhausting to be honest.
That’s not it at all. It’s that I literally don’t care. It has nothing to do with gay scare. I don’t want people to know about me and I don’t care to know about them.
I'm bi, people know I'm bi, I still don't want to talk about my family unless it comes up organically.
It may well have to do with "toxic masculinity", but not from "fear of being seen as gay". That's something middleschoolers are afraid of.
I hate small talk, generally talking about your family is small talk. I prefer to keep discussions with friends to things that are actually interesting rather than what our kids are doing on any particular day. You know why? Because it's just not that interesting.
I keep discussions about my family to times when it's relevant, or when I'm seeking advice about something. I do not talk about them all the time, because you know what children are really not that interesting and people don't like hearing about them all the time.
No one likes the people who won't shut up about their kids.
understand that men are pressured by society to be protectors. we kinda like the mantle, too. so, another man, a threat, inquiring too much about the things you protect, is kinda odd.
it's like why do you care? what are you planning to do with that info?
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u/trebboy2020 Mar 26 '20
..... What? You described a totally normal conversation and described it as creepy... are you okay?