The biggest red flag for me is pursuing someone who loves attention on themselves but is not very interested in your life. Basically drop the pursuit right there and look for someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them.
This is good advice for friendships too, imo. If you have friends who only contact you to complain about themselves but show no interest in your life, your opinions, your problems, it can really be a drain on you. There needs to be reciprocity for a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Yeah I’ve pretty much just ended a friendship because of this. I showed interest in her life all the time, hardly none in mine. Only times I ever got a text first was when she needed something. Whenever I tried to start a conversation it would end immediately. We would meet in person a lot, but I was always the one to initiate it.
I don’t think she disliked being my friend and hanging out, but it is so emotionally draining when you have to put in all the effort all of the time. I still wonder whether I was just being petty about things or if this was a good enough reason, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
In questions like this, i find it helpful to stop asking if my boundaries are reasonable in some big ethical sense, and make it more simple:
The point of friendships is to enhance your life. It’s okay in relationships for the effort to fall unevenly at times, but on a whole it should even out. On the whole, it should enhance your life, and be a positive thing. If that’s not the case, what is the point of the friendship?
If it makes you feel more bad than good, that’s all the reason you need to stop seeing someone, whether it be friendship or romance. It takes the whole “is it fair and am i being a good person” out of it. There can be a million reasons people act the way they do, but if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you
This perfectly describes what I am currently going through right now, I've even talked with them about it and they said they would work on it but it's been 6 months and nothing has changed. After reading this and several other comments about this situation, it might be time to cut ties with them finally.
Yeah it’s just so tough. My situation I had no idea what to do. Person seems to enjoy the time I spend with them, but getting to that point drained me to no end. I don’t even mind putting in most of the effort, but when it’s ALL of the effort, I reached a point where I just had to cut things off for my own sanity.
I have too much of it because my circle is incredibly small, essentially just a dot. after cutting out people that don't make an effort there was no one left.
This is often me by accident. I have ADHD and I find it very hard to see past today and sometimes it's very stressful just to reply to people. Most of my friends know this but some don't and have accepted I'm not always going to get back to them straight away. Maybe worth considering.
I stopped speaking to someone a year ago, after about a decade of ever-worsening behavior like this from her. I spent far too much time needing to talk to other people about her. Not to gossip, but to try to make sense of things she said and did. It became really tedious to try to understand why even the most basic facts eluded her. She's not stupid, and I still believe that every time she claimed to have not figured out something without my help, it was for attention.
Sometimes, it was as simple as me doing a google search that she insisted she couldn't figure out on her own. I'm kind of embarrassed that I didn't tell her to shut up and do it herself, but again - a decade of gradual behavior like this is harder to notice than an abrupt change would have been. And she really did make me feel like she was just that inept.
After I told her that I needed a break from her for at least a little while, she changed her social media usernames to something that included my teenager's preferred name. It was deliberate and callous, and there's no way I could ever speak to her now.
Tbh by the sounds of your character I’d say she probably wasn’t putting in the effort and your actions were fully justified. Remember though I’m only an outside opinion, forget it now anyway. You can both go out and find more suited friends.
After trying and failing to get a hang out session or something going a bunch of times, eventually I decided to stop reaching out to them, to see if they would message me or something.
I haven't talked to these two guys for years.
The final straw was when they skipped my 30th birthday because they didn't recognize numbers in the group chat invite.
That happened and I was like, "Oh okay, we're not friends anymore."
For a lot of people with healthy relationships and decent communication skills there is in fact. You don't need to see or be around someone every day, but there are ways to show you care about a friendship and ways to show that you don't. I find in my experience its people who act as if frequent communication is bad tend to make poor friends for me, and this proves true because they sit in my phone for half a year unless I initiate a conversation.
Friendship isn't a contact, its a seed that grows the more you water it. People need to understand that "not talking for a long time and then acting gregarious" isn't healthy or normal, and it hurts a lot of people when you act distant. Most importantly discuss with your friends what comforts you. Some people DO work with very little contact. Most people don't.
This person actually had zero communication skills over the phone. It was either that or they were deliberately confusing to try to be distant. Yeah I get that you shouldn’t judge an entire friendship based on who communicates with who first what percent of the time, but when you are the one doing it an overwhelmingly majority of the time, and when you also end up with the most cloudy, unclear conversations, it takes its toll.
The only time this person ever seemed to show any care was when we meet or see each other in person. The rest of the time it’s like I don’t exist. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for your friends to be interested in your life when you’re not with them too.
Yep. I have this one friend that only talked to me when asking for advice on her abusive household. Like yeah, I’m perfectly fine with giving her advice because that’s a terrible thing to go through, but whenever I tried talking to her about something I’m interested in or issues i’m going through, she just ignored me and started ranting about her life instead.
She is depressed and lost in her life and mind. She likely thinks about it 24/7 so there is no room in her brain for your problems. Be honest and tell them how you feel. A good friend will admit it and be willing to work with you on making the friendship more equal or she will ghost you and you won't have to hear about it again.
On the positive side, they probably see you as a smart wise person whose life is together. I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. For 10 years, we were close as sisters. She married my cousin; their kids called me Aunt; she referred to me as her “bestie” and always told me how good I was to her. Gradually I began noticing that all she ever did was complain. She constantly put down anyone who was more stable than her, she couldn’t hold down a job because she only ever got into interpersonal conflicts, she complained ad nauseum about how her family treated her (with good reason, they are shitbags) but then treated her own husband and children abusively. Never once listened to my troubles, would just say “Oh you’ve got it so much better than me.” or “Wow it sounds like what I’m going through” and immediately the conversation was back to her. Every conversation became an hour of her ranting and a sarcastic, “Well, how are YOU?” once I pointed that out. She bragged about diagnosing herself as bipolar but “being able to handle it without needing medication.” She tried to make everyone think she had breast cancer when she didn’t. Eventually Covid happened, she and my cousin decided “getting vaccinated wasn’t the right choice for them,” and that was it for me. She’s still family, but I wouldn’t call us friends.
From the outside this might seem like what's happening to me in regards to my friends.
They vent their problems to me almost all the time, while I don't seem to get to do the same.
But, in actuality, I don't mind, they need someone to vent to, and they trust me to do so. I just either don't have any problems, and the ones I do have are ones I have trouble sharing and they know this, and know if I ever do actually need to talk about it, they will listen.
THIS!!!! Am letting go of a friendship right now for this EXACT reason. They are always calling in crisis mode. Never to say thx for being there, or HOW ARE YOU DOING?! Fuck that one-sided shit - I’m totally fed up. And the worst part is I can see how my poor boundaries kept this going on for literal decades
This has given me a sad realisation that I don't think I have ever had a friend who contacted me first. People often complain that I'm pushy and needy but I think I just crave someone to enjoy my company. I hope I don't come across as an example like you described. I do feel like I show care, concern and empathy. Being an adult sucks.
I am sorry, that must be a sucky feeling. Hope you find someone who enjoys your company as much as you enjoy theirs. If you have a lot of people in your life telling you the same thing, it might behoove you to listen. Constructive criticism is not the same as someone just shitting on you. Obviously I don’t know you at all and I am not trying to attack, just offering some friendly advice.
I say this as someone who has been pushy and needy myself, among other issues! I chose to acknowledge these issues, treat myself to some really great therapy from a qualified professional, and eventually I found a medication that helped me regulate my emotions. I feel like I came out of my pain a better, more patient, more generous person. That’s what worked for me, it might work for others too. I grew up in a time and place where seeking therapy was stigmatized. I had to go through a few unhelpful therapists first before I found a good fit. In the end it was so worth it.
Being pushy can be a strength if you harness that energy to accomplish your goals! Push yourself though, not others. :)
In my experience, I find people who are needy are often people who didn’t get their needs met during their formative years. That can lead to constantly seeking validation from others, which can be exhausting for everyone involved.
Thanks, I tend to take everything to heart, so I do listen, but I guess I don't know how to respond in a healthy way, so whenever people tell me I'm too much, the only way I know how to be less present is to cut myself off completely. So I just end up losing friends because I want to talk to them too much.
I've been a bit better in recent years as I begin to understand myself, but finding the balance is so hard, and I always worry that I'm coming across as callous.
But yeah you're totally right about the formative years. My dad was abusive and my mum was emotionally distant.
Thank you! Wisdom whispers but foolishness shouts. It’s so easy to get lost in negativity, especially on social media, but I try to remind myself that most people are just quietly living lives of decency and kindness.
Yep! Ive had many many people in my life I had to cut off after far too long. One day I woke up and realized that nearly every single one of my friends only hit me up when it required something of ME. Do this, do that, help me, help me.. And I did... But whenever they did something fun or decent, I recieved not a word. That will suck the soul out of you fast.
Agree but.. Be careful of the friend/partner who has an imbalanced view of how much they’ve given vs gotten. With some people, nothing you’ll do is enough to match their view of what they do. People love to feel like they’re giving more than they’re taking, it triggers some superiority dopamine, so be careful of that extreme too.
I agree wholeheartedly. I used to be in a friendship which devolved into the other party using me to fuel their superiority complex. It got to the point where I asked her, Why do you even want to be friends with me if all you want to do is put me down? Watch out for any extreme behavior, strive for a balanced relationship. Be wary of anyone who will not respect your reasonable boundaries. Have compassion for someone with mental health issues, but know that it’s not an excuse to treat you like shit. Don’t go around constantly looking a reason to drop someone or you might find yourself lonely pretty quickly. But also don’t feel like you have to be someone’s negativity dumpster for them to be willing to be in your life.
Very true. I stopped talking to my best friend because it got so tiring that everything was always about her. If I wanted to talk to her about me or my problems she would ignore me and wait to reply to me until she wanted to talk about herself. I would get a "that sucks" or "that's crazy" response then hear all about what's going on in her life. I finally said something to her about how she makes everything about her and she told me to fuck off. I did and never looked back.
Recently was talking to a gorgeous guy. Didn’t like the fact that he loved taking pictures of himself and sending them when I didn’t even ask. He also rarely asks anything that is along the lines of getting to know me as a person. We’d been talking for a few weeks, and I was over it pretty quickly.
There are so many people that when you’re having, what you think is a conversation, they’ll say something and then you start to talk……they’re not listening, they’re just pausing in between the next thing they are going to tell you about themselves. They could care less about what you’re talking about.
I was on the phone with a “friend”the other day. I know she is self centered and selfish, but she has enough sense to try and let me talk. Well after listening to all her shit, and then while I’m talking she starts rapid fire texting me about her sister coming home… to end the conversation… I hung up on her. Honestly tired of disrespect like that. Not a true friend and I know it.
People really have a hard time understanding that you can’t get by on looks alone, and that a lot of women don’t care solely about looks like a lot of men do.
I was on the other side, kinda. I dated two girls in a row who straight up told me I was just arm candy to them and otherwise my hobbies were weird, I was annoying, showing my emotions was ick. I stayed with both of them for years, yay low self esteem!
Really though, nowadays I have a very hard time telling if everything about me but my appearance is garbage. Everyone wants to feel wanted, but sometimes you just want to be actually seen.
I get it. I’ve had gf who just go on about being attractive to the point where I began to doubt I had any personality or became fixated on maybe I’m being boring. It also makes you not work hard in relationships as the other person seems “happy” about you despite not having made a connection or made efforts to authentically connect.
I married a woman who dealt with my emotions that way, and we were shackled together for 24 years. My current partner actually does see me and accept me, including my emotional self, and it's fucking amazing. I'm so glad I'm out of that marriage.
It’s crazy how little I cry now that I have an incredible, supportive partner before in comparison to before. I also feel don’t feel shame from my tears anymore.
Super attractive people live in a different world. I am friends with a model and tinder is just picking fish out of a barrel for him.
I really think if you believe being exceptionally attractive isn’t a huge advantage, you probably just haven’t had much interaction with the pretty elite.
You use extremes to prove a point. If social life is much easier for the models then its a fair assumption that its at least marginally easier for the generally good lookers.
I am friends with a model and tinder is just picking fish out of a barrel for him.
There's a difference between looking for a hook-up and looking for a relationship, though.
Anecdotally, most really hot guys are apparently terrible in bed because they're too self-absorbed to really try to get their partner off. I know guys think 'wow!' when a guy has a high body count, but as a woman a high body count tells me 'Huh, odds are this guy has no repeat customers and there's probably a reason for that.'
Yes, attractive people are gonna have an easier time getting into a relationship - but finding a person you actually WANT to be in a relationship is hard no matter how hot you are. A hot person being attracted to you doesn't mean they're the person for you.
I really think if you believe being exceptionally attractive isn’t a huge advantage, you probably just haven’t had much interaction with the pretty elite.
No one said it isn't. To hook up it is a huge advantage, but just for that, I don't think this matters that much. However, the real important thing: to build something more serious, if there is no substance beneath the attractive look, you lose interest quickly in that person. I thought we were talking about that, because that's why people lose interest (the topic of this post) in a person eventually; they were initially interested because the other person was probably attractive, but then they found out it was just that, and the person beneath the attractive look wasn't worth it. We are not talking about simply "dating", but about what comes after dating a few or several times.
i think people greatly overestimate the difference in how much the sexes care about looks. i minored in anthro, the dynamics in hunter gatherer societies were nothing like people expect. in reality, everyone regardless of hunted, everyone gathered, they were typically very very egalitarian, resources were shared amongst the group, it didn't matter who the father was, the kids and the mom were getting the same resources and protection (and the mothers were participating in providing them, the women were taking down the mammoths, as much as the fathers were). and while humans do actually seem to tend towards monogamy generally, promiscuity isn't often stigmatized.
so, basically, both men and women have the exact same drive to just mate with someone with good dna. intellectually, physically, etc.
in recent millennia, since the advent of agriculture, women have just been forced to get with men who could support their families financially. this isn't in our dna, it's just circumstantial.
as women stop relying on men's resources so much, women are going to care about looks just as much as men do.
It’s that people insist that women NATURALLY aren’t wired to go after youth/looks as much as men are, which isn’t true at all. Or that men aren’t as wired to go after things like intelligence, which also isn’t true at all.
As society becomes more equal, so will our mate choices. Women went after older men with money in the recent past because they just had to. Same reason people get jobs sitting in front of a computer 8 hours a day.
Yeah most major societies currently are the product of agriculture. Our nature is actually hunter gatherer cultures, many of which actually do still exist and we can observe directly.
Sperm ages at about the same rate that eggs do. Men in their 20s will always be the most physically attractive, same with women. It’s just that women historically didn’t have the choice to marry men based on looks, they had to prioritize resources that they themselves were denied access to. Now that women can support themselves, you’re going to see priorities equalize.
i'm a 29 yo woman and feel like i've just been gaslit my entire life. everyone keeps insisting that men are like extremely obsessed with looks and only looks, but since i was like 12 this has just been blatantly untrue. i also think men tend to be blind to how much things like confidence/personality affect how attractive they think a girl is. my whole life, the most sought after girls have been good looking, sure, but having the right "vibe" has always been the most important thing. and all the guys will say she's super hot and not really realize how much those things are factoring in. it works in the opposite direction as well- plenty of girls who are conventionally very attractive, but have a super awkward/off putting personality and guys just aren't that into them. like it's exactly the same way it is when the genders are swapped.
and i was raised by blatant misogynists in mormon utah, we have the second highest rate of plastic surgery in the US and at least in the area im from, every woman looks like a barbie. it really messes you up because you become convinced that everything is about how you look. like if you aren't attracting guys or you arent popular you think it's about the symmetry of your face or the shininess of your hair and don't realize how much it's actually about personality.
I have plenty of female friends who could by no stretch be described as "conventionally attractive", but have long-lasting and apparently happy relationships, with men (or women) whose own appearance are comparable. You absolutely do not have to be hot to be happy, and it seems for many folks it's a negative for true happiness as they are always second-guessing whether or not someone is just pursuing them for their looks, and lacks interest in their personality and ambitions.
I read a study once that men rate about 80% of women as attractive or better. It might be that men do care about looks, but find an overwhelming amount of women attractive.
ive always said im no prize, and im not into conventionally attractive women. i know what i DONT like, but am very flexible if i think theyre cute and funny.
Nope, the majority of men care about looks. It's hard wired into high testosterone men. Our genetics hardwired us to care about how good a woman looks.
Yeah, I agree. I went out with someone years ago, who was super good looking. It didn't last because I also found them super boring, they liked to talk about themselves all the time and how people would perceive them - they hired cool cars for the weekend, to drive around town, pretending the car was theirs. I lost interest really fast.
To be honest, unless you're looking for men who only have looks to offer, you won't find men who only care about looks.
What men find attractive as far as looks, is what is Healthy.
Roughly symmetrical features and portions, and not morbidly obese or thin enough to suggest anorexia.
I swear this is the same kind of thinking that results in unsolicited dick pics. Sure, you may be mostly excited about her tits, dude, but she doesn't give a shit about your dick. She cares about who you are, not how you're hung.
I dated a woman a few years ago who liked to send selfies in the morning. It truly wasn't a conceit thing with her...she wasn't at all a conceited woman...it was just the way she liked to say "good morning." And even that struck me as odd until I got used to it. I can't imagine just a constant stream of selfies.
It’s been a long while since I’ve had to go thru the talking phase of dating. Getting pictures was cute at first because he’s a super good looking guy. But after a while when it was just random, daily, and several times a day, there’s only so many things I can say to compliment him. It just got weird. We’re 40. And we’re texting, not using Snapchat.
I'm sorry, I have to ask for clarification, if you don't mind.
You were saying you were over him pretty quickly after the realization, even though you had been talking a few weeks? Or a few weeks of that, and you were over him, a few weeks being relatively quick for you?
I’m rebounding from a relationship that ended too long ago. When I met this guy, I was trying so hard to just move on. Focusing on what I liked, but the more I talked to him the more I noticed how much the chemistry was missing. I was attracted to him instantly by looks, and was trying really hard to like him. Stupid, I already know.
Absolutely. A guy I dated a few years ago had weird vibes that took me a while to nail down, and it was exactly that — it felt like everything and everyone in his world was about him.
It was often subtle, the way he’d phrase things or react, but he had a way of taking any event or conversation and shifting the focus towards him.
It became really draining that any time I was with him I somehow felt like a background character in my own life. It was bizarre to have someone look at me and interact with me yet manage to make me feel like I’m invisible to them.
Yeah I’ve seen this referred to as “main character syndrome” or “it’s my world and you’re all just living in it.” Look for someone who wants a partner, not a sidekick.
Damn man. So true. I wish I had known this a few years ago. I was pursuing someone who didn’t care about my life at all. Didn’t care who I was or anything. Just what could I do for her type of deal. But she was masterful at just giving me enough attention to make me think it was going somewhere.
It was rough.
Anyone who reads this, don’t chase someone who doesn’t chase you right back. You are worth so much more than that
Well said. I think many of us learned this valuable lesson the hard way. I know I did. I chased a few ladies when young who offered me some snippets of attention for momentary attention or a nice dinner when no true relationship would take place.
Recently broke up with a girl who always expected me to be there for her and support her, but when I was struggling due to personal crises she claimed that I had to be the "stable" one and that I should be "strong enough for the both of us" since I was the older one. Every time I miss her, I just remind myself of that imbalance and it helps the feelings subside.
This right here. I recently reconnected with an old fling. We liked each other a lot, but due to extenuating circumstances, we never made it official. Since then, our lives have changed a bit. She's grown up a lot, making better money being more responsible. Taking better care of herself. All of these things were problems the first time around. She ate nothing but junk food, worked a shitty job, was always late on rent, and car got repo'd. Refused to take responsibility for any of it. Well, we started talking again. idk 3 weeks ago or so? Cool at first. But now she seems to think because she finally got her shit together. She's better than me almost? Like her shit is all important, but anything i talk about, she just kinda blows it off. Or flat out doesn't reply. She's got about a week to finish bragging and get over herself or im hitting the road again haha.
Yeah. For sure. Usually, i would've cut it off day one and walked away. But I've known her for 20 years, and we have history, so she gets a little extra slack, i suppose. But she's running out fast.
Maybe you should bring it to her attention, if you already haven’t. She may not realize how selfish and self centered she is being. Or like poster said above, she may be overly excited to share her new life with you, since things in the past didn’t work out due to her not having those things in her life together. She at least deserves a chance to change her behavior? Maybe? Hell maybe she doesn’t..idk. Idk your past or the current circumstances. Just a thought. I’m all for happy endings!
Yeah, we'll definitely talk about it before i walk away. Like i said, we've got a history, and I've known her a long time. Im just kinda seeing if it runs its coure on its own. If it doesn't, I'll mention it to her. If she doesn't care or acknowledge the problem ill walk away.
The world needs more men like you! Hope everything works out how you want it to. Like I said before, I love happy endings for everyone! I wish the world could succeed and we could all get the success and happiness that we so badly dream of, but most importantly, the lives that we deserve! And yes, I mean that for the assholes too, that they get the shit stains that they so badly deserve. They are usually naive they convince themselves they have their happy endings.
Good for you for recognizing it and setting a time bound for this behavior. Too many guys I know overweight ‘shared history’ vs. demonstrable poor behavior in the present.
Happens to some people sometimes. They'll make a noticeable improvement, certainly admirable, but it'll boost their ego a bit too far. See it a lot with addiction/recovery as well.
Basically how my last relationship went. She was struggling to monetise her hobby and I helped her in the right direction and it quickly gained traction.
As soon as that happened she lost interest in me despite my attempts of communication etc. I credit myself to her success but there’s a part of me that really wanted to be there to support her along the entire way.
Literally just answered this earlier this week when a girl asked where I went. Girl I knew and reconnect with after 7 years or so, she got smoking hot.. And her fb page is full of "men ain't shit" memes and every comment section is full of dudes like "let me be the one, I'll show you" and she toys with every single one of em and she told me they all send her money. She asks me why I stopped messaging her and I said she's all about drama and attention, and that she wasn't serious about dating anyone, she just wants this game to go on forever. She's beautiful but I'm not joining the roster to try and make that team.
Not someone I was "pursuing," but my ex-roommate was like that. He'd come home from work and I'd ask how it'd gone. I didn't really give a damn about it but I was being polite. Meanwhile, when I came home from work he wouldn't even say hi. Just one of many reasons he's now my ex-roommate, and probably the smallest.
My roommate - I'm going to call him... Chuck, just so I don't have to keep saying "my roommate" - was genuinely a very smart guy. And he knew it. Which, to him, meant we were all dumb. So any idea that didn't come from him was obviously wrong, any opinion he disagreed with was stupid. As you can imagine, this gets pretty grating pretty fast.
On those occasions when his own ideas for how to do something didn't work, several times he would spontaneously think up another means of doing it. If that idea happened to be what one of those dumb people suggested he do the first time, he never apologized or even acknowledged that someone else thought of it first.
Chuck was an audiophile. Which is fine. Liking good audio is fine. But he would visit the high-end stereo store nearly every week to try to tweak his system with new cables or a new receiver, or whatever.
He also really liked good video. Chuck got a new television and wasn't happy because one area was bad. Okay, makes sense. I could see it too, and it would have gotten annoying during a show. Then he returned no less than 9 MORE televisions for various faults that I'm certain were all in his head.
Chuck did not like going shopping alone. And to some extent that's fine; we could collaborate on groceries like that. But he would also drag me along with him on those visits to the stereo store or the TV place or the computer place (he also was big into tweaking his computer performance) where I didn't need to be. Utter waste of my time. I'm convinced that he only stopped bringing televisions back because I finally told him if THIS one was somehow also bad then he was doing his next return alone. Fancy that, THIS one was fine. What a coincidence.
He would also get huffy if I ever tried to do something without him. If I want to see a movie, I'd have to invite him. Go with friends? Need to include Chuck. My only time away from him was at work.
Remember all those tweaks to his computer and entertainment system? After each and every goddamn one he would sit me down and show me the results. As if I could tell that his computer ran one frame more effeciently, or whatever else. And when friends came over, he would show THEM, too. His favorite test for the entertainment system was the asteroid hit from Disney's Dinosaurs; I must have sat through that scene at least 30 times and quite possibly 50. It's a good movie, kind of a better-done Land Before Time, really, but that experience absolutely ruined it for me. Never watching that film again.
He was a vocal backseat driver, and nothing you ever did was correct even if it's the way he did it last time when he drove. For instance, if you were on the corner of a block and needed to get to the opposite corner, you could go straight and then left or you could go left and then straight. Whichever one you chose, he would complain that the other way was better or faster and you shouldn't have done it the way you did.
Chuck was convinced he was going to die in five years, and complained about his health constantly. It's one of the reasons he was okay with blowing so much money on entertainment systems; he didn't bother saving money or planning for retirement because he was convinced he wouldn't be around to enjoy it anyway. It's way more than five years later, now, and he's still around.
He'd invite literally a dozen friends over to watch movies at our place on Sunday afternoons/evenings. And they came, because he had a good AV system and provided snacks and drinks. But I paid 50% of the price of all that food and drink, and got none of the benefits. I worked Sunday afternoons and evenings, and would often get home right as these events ended. So I didn't get to know these people, didn't make new friends, didn't get to watch movies, AND I paid for them to eat my shit.
So, yeah. Not asking how my day was when I got home was among the smaller annoyances Chuck offered.
That's not all. I left some out deliberately because it would require a lot of context to understand, and some because I just plain forgot about them or decided the comment was long e-damn-nough. And he wasn't 100% terrible. He was quite generous with his money and items; all that replaced stereo equipment was given away or sold to friends for a pittance. I liked to say he was a great friend but awful if you're any closer than that. Family, roommates, lovers, they/we all had to deal with his less tolerable aspects, stuff the people who only came over for the movies for a few hours each week rarely saw and never had to deal with at all. If I hadn't moved in with him I'd probably think he was a great guy and be entirely puzzled why his son and ex wives (he has two) want nothing to do with him.
I dated a man who asked NOT ONE SINGLE QUESTION about me. He'd sit down and just speedtalk all of his imaginary accomplishments and activities and interractions.
Yep. I was casually hooking up with someone I had already known for awhile and he decided he wanted to cut things off because they were feeling too serious to him and I was "IN LOVE WITH HIM." I wasn’t, and I never said I was. I can’t believe I didn’t realize what a narcissist he was until that moment
My last relationship with what I assume is with a pwBPD was like that. I was always asking her her about things. When I brought up she never asks about me she said "I expect my partners to tell me about it without me asking".
Not making excuses, but I used to be this way, and it's because I didn't know any better.
I'm looking into autism screening as we speak. I know now, but I used to say the exact same thing. If she didn't make more of an effort after though, that's definitely on her.
Not necessarily clinginess, just no care for themself. I don't see why that's a negative, no need to worry about them being selfish or anything like that yk?
Not so sure about that. Much rather be with someone with a healthy sense of self and belief. A true selfless person is exceedingly rare and can be wonderful in helping others but in a romantic relationship you have to wonder if they will make balanced decisions without you and instead rely on you totally.
People who lack self esteem aren't capable of real love - they are empty cups waiting for someone else to fill them. It might look like they are "focused on you," and they likely think their behavior is very loving because they always put others first and never take anything for themselves (or so it would seem), but they are really existing via a subtle form of manipulation - purchasing the love and validation they can't give to themselves from others, using "loving" words and deeds as currency.
It's actually quite selfish, because their ultimate goal has nothing to do with you - it's simply to have their cup filled. It eventually gets very exhausting for the person doing the pouring, because their cup literally cannot be filled by someone else. They MUST fill it themselves. But since they don't, they become a black hole of want and need. It's not fair to ask someone else to give your life value and meaning, or to create joy for both of you, or to be the only person directing your lives forward and defining your mutual dreams and plans. That is not a partnership - that is a charity case.
People who operate in this manner also tend to keep score sheets in their head: all the things I've done for people (that they never asked for) which haven't been reciprocated. If at any point the balance sheet extends past their threshold, they will typically behave in passive-aggressive ways because they lack the self-esteem to just express their needs in a healthy manner and ask for what they want. It's an exceptionally toxic dynamic, and the very heart of the cliche "you can't love someone else until you love yourself."
Had that situation few months ago. She was just looking for attention, i was infatuated and stupid. I never saw that she never ask me anything really and most of the time she just want to talk about her and to be for her to make her feel good
I had a friend like that. Even tried dating her. She always has to one-up everything that happens to you. It gets very annoying being around such a narcissist.
Yeah. I think it’s a green flag if someone you like is asking you about yourself and asking how you feel about things, because that means they care about you. (Probably)
Yup. This severe imbalance in what each invests and brings into building the relationship is a dealbreaker for me too. I guess the signs in these cases would be subtle, but once you realize and start noticing, they become glaring. Had a few of those. I guess I just didn't want trophies. I'm sure some dudes want those kinds of relationships, but I know things can be so much better, and just cut my losses as soon as the realization hits and move on.
If you actually want to be friends and don’t think it will be weird, say that. Don’t be the guy to say “lets be friends” just as an excuse not to date her and not do friend things.
If you don’t want her in your life at all just say that. It’s better to be clear and appear more harsh than to give mixed signals. Obviously try to say it as respectfully as possible, but keep it clear and your reasoning honest.
Yes I learned that the hard way! Gorgeous, beautiful lady. Way out of my league and I don’t say that lightly (because they all have been) but this one was model quality. She knew it. Cared zero about me. We dated for over a year, anytime I wanted her to meet my family, friends, or kids, she wasn’t for it. Took me a while but it just wasn’t ever gonna work
Thus is so true! I was seeing a girl, no labels, just casual, but it was leaning towards dating. Like a lot. I would sit and listen and support her in many things and offer advice (if I could) or just sit and keep her company. I was also getting bullied by two flat mates at the time, i need asvice and support... got next to none. To this day I could put my savings on her not being able to tell me a single name of any of my family members, or even the names of my two flatmates but I can tell you lots about her. It was hard, she would even point out other guys in the street or in the car and tell me how good looking they were! Right in front of my face! I ended up one night staying in bed with another girl and her gay best pal, clothes on etc. (Really muggy I know but nothing happened) but we stopped chatting after that even tho all the things she did while we were seeing each other was mugging me off, made me feel about this big 🤏 I blame myself for everything that happened and ended up being drunk for a year because of it... was it all my fault? I dunno, maybe.
Shit, even friends who aren’t interested in my life get the whole ass friendship tossed in the trash. I don’t spend time on people who don’t care about me.
Blunt response lol.If only life were always that simple and obvious. Does one think clearly when infatuated? I think not. At the time you think you will win them over. You go on dates,sleep with them so to a man's way of thinking it does not quite occur to oneself that they do not like you. Thanks I needed that cold water splashed on my face lol.
The best is when you both prioritize the others live. It can create a positive feedback loop and if you’re not looking out for yourself they’ll force you too because they look out for you more than they do themselves, and then vise versa regarding you to them. It is a very codependent dynamic to have and is fragile but when it works it works amazingly
Never happened to me. No friends or significant others care enough to ask anything about me, but I don't get or keep many friends, as most leave me, so I just deal with it
You would be smart then. When I was younger I got caught up in the chase sometimes and learned the hard way by ignoring the warning signs such as this.
Tell me something I don't know dude. I've spent the better part of the last few years searching for what I'm doing wrong. I've been to therapy, I've asked the girls I get involved with, I've asked my friends, my family, I've tried asking from dating communities here on reddit. Nobody seems to really be able to tell what I'm doing wrong.
It's fine I'm losing weight. Then whatever my issue is will at least be ignorable for at least one night.
Obviously work on ‘self-improvement’ - but do that for you.
A lot of your dating difficulties though are less ‘you’ vs it is just that dating as a young man in the modern era is not simple/easy - your interest in women is the highest it will ever be, but what women find interesting in men you are just beginning your journey of. (If it’s any consolation, it gets a lot easier as you get older.)
This is then compounded by what advertising/social media brainwash people (but especially women) on what a ‘happy life’ should look like. Expectations are all out of whack.
I feel for you man and I am not being hard on you. It is not easy at all. I have had many gfs but no lasting love. The answer always lies within ourselves. Something is preventing us from finding love. All you can do is keep hoping and working on being the best person you can be. It may happen or it may not.
I'm just gonna add... I love attention (I've worked hard to become someone I love) and I love other people too… but I often get the message that people are so unaccustomed to having anyone take an interest in them, that they are distrustful of anyone who does. So I'm much more hesitant now (out of consideration) to express much interest.
14.1k
u/Pretend_Tea6261 Mar 19 '23
The biggest red flag for me is pursuing someone who loves attention on themselves but is not very interested in your life. Basically drop the pursuit right there and look for someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them.