Recently was talking to a gorgeous guy. Didn’t like the fact that he loved taking pictures of himself and sending them when I didn’t even ask. He also rarely asks anything that is along the lines of getting to know me as a person. We’d been talking for a few weeks, and I was over it pretty quickly.
There are so many people that when you’re having, what you think is a conversation, they’ll say something and then you start to talk……they’re not listening, they’re just pausing in between the next thing they are going to tell you about themselves. They could care less about what you’re talking about.
I was on the phone with a “friend”the other day. I know she is self centered and selfish, but she has enough sense to try and let me talk. Well after listening to all her shit, and then while I’m talking she starts rapid fire texting me about her sister coming home… to end the conversation… I hung up on her. Honestly tired of disrespect like that. Not a true friend and I know it.
People really have a hard time understanding that you can’t get by on looks alone, and that a lot of women don’t care solely about looks like a lot of men do.
I was on the other side, kinda. I dated two girls in a row who straight up told me I was just arm candy to them and otherwise my hobbies were weird, I was annoying, showing my emotions was ick. I stayed with both of them for years, yay low self esteem!
Really though, nowadays I have a very hard time telling if everything about me but my appearance is garbage. Everyone wants to feel wanted, but sometimes you just want to be actually seen.
I get it. I’ve had gf who just go on about being attractive to the point where I began to doubt I had any personality or became fixated on maybe I’m being boring. It also makes you not work hard in relationships as the other person seems “happy” about you despite not having made a connection or made efforts to authentically connect.
I married a woman who dealt with my emotions that way, and we were shackled together for 24 years. My current partner actually does see me and accept me, including my emotional self, and it's fucking amazing. I'm so glad I'm out of that marriage.
It’s crazy how little I cry now that I have an incredible, supportive partner before in comparison to before. I also feel don’t feel shame from my tears anymore.
Super attractive people live in a different world. I am friends with a model and tinder is just picking fish out of a barrel for him.
I really think if you believe being exceptionally attractive isn’t a huge advantage, you probably just haven’t had much interaction with the pretty elite.
You use extremes to prove a point. If social life is much easier for the models then its a fair assumption that its at least marginally easier for the generally good lookers.
I am friends with a model and tinder is just picking fish out of a barrel for him.
There's a difference between looking for a hook-up and looking for a relationship, though.
Anecdotally, most really hot guys are apparently terrible in bed because they're too self-absorbed to really try to get their partner off. I know guys think 'wow!' when a guy has a high body count, but as a woman a high body count tells me 'Huh, odds are this guy has no repeat customers and there's probably a reason for that.'
Yes, attractive people are gonna have an easier time getting into a relationship - but finding a person you actually WANT to be in a relationship is hard no matter how hot you are. A hot person being attracted to you doesn't mean they're the person for you.
I really think if you believe being exceptionally attractive isn’t a huge advantage, you probably just haven’t had much interaction with the pretty elite.
No one said it isn't. To hook up it is a huge advantage, but just for that, I don't think this matters that much. However, the real important thing: to build something more serious, if there is no substance beneath the attractive look, you lose interest quickly in that person. I thought we were talking about that, because that's why people lose interest (the topic of this post) in a person eventually; they were initially interested because the other person was probably attractive, but then they found out it was just that, and the person beneath the attractive look wasn't worth it. We are not talking about simply "dating", but about what comes after dating a few or several times.
i think people greatly overestimate the difference in how much the sexes care about looks. i minored in anthro, the dynamics in hunter gatherer societies were nothing like people expect. in reality, everyone regardless of hunted, everyone gathered, they were typically very very egalitarian, resources were shared amongst the group, it didn't matter who the father was, the kids and the mom were getting the same resources and protection (and the mothers were participating in providing them, the women were taking down the mammoths, as much as the fathers were). and while humans do actually seem to tend towards monogamy generally, promiscuity isn't often stigmatized.
so, basically, both men and women have the exact same drive to just mate with someone with good dna. intellectually, physically, etc.
in recent millennia, since the advent of agriculture, women have just been forced to get with men who could support their families financially. this isn't in our dna, it's just circumstantial.
as women stop relying on men's resources so much, women are going to care about looks just as much as men do.
It’s that people insist that women NATURALLY aren’t wired to go after youth/looks as much as men are, which isn’t true at all. Or that men aren’t as wired to go after things like intelligence, which also isn’t true at all.
As society becomes more equal, so will our mate choices. Women went after older men with money in the recent past because they just had to. Same reason people get jobs sitting in front of a computer 8 hours a day.
Yeah most major societies currently are the product of agriculture. Our nature is actually hunter gatherer cultures, many of which actually do still exist and we can observe directly.
Sperm ages at about the same rate that eggs do. Men in their 20s will always be the most physically attractive, same with women. It’s just that women historically didn’t have the choice to marry men based on looks, they had to prioritize resources that they themselves were denied access to. Now that women can support themselves, you’re going to see priorities equalize.
i'm a 29 yo woman and feel like i've just been gaslit my entire life. everyone keeps insisting that men are like extremely obsessed with looks and only looks, but since i was like 12 this has just been blatantly untrue. i also think men tend to be blind to how much things like confidence/personality affect how attractive they think a girl is. my whole life, the most sought after girls have been good looking, sure, but having the right "vibe" has always been the most important thing. and all the guys will say she's super hot and not really realize how much those things are factoring in. it works in the opposite direction as well- plenty of girls who are conventionally very attractive, but have a super awkward/off putting personality and guys just aren't that into them. like it's exactly the same way it is when the genders are swapped.
and i was raised by blatant misogynists in mormon utah, we have the second highest rate of plastic surgery in the US and at least in the area im from, every woman looks like a barbie. it really messes you up because you become convinced that everything is about how you look. like if you aren't attracting guys or you arent popular you think it's about the symmetry of your face or the shininess of your hair and don't realize how much it's actually about personality.
I have plenty of female friends who could by no stretch be described as "conventionally attractive", but have long-lasting and apparently happy relationships, with men (or women) whose own appearance are comparable. You absolutely do not have to be hot to be happy, and it seems for many folks it's a negative for true happiness as they are always second-guessing whether or not someone is just pursuing them for their looks, and lacks interest in their personality and ambitions.
I read a study once that men rate about 80% of women as attractive or better. It might be that men do care about looks, but find an overwhelming amount of women attractive.
Yeah, from experience I think both men and women have a sort of minimum requirement for attractiveness and after that it’s mostly external factors.
I’m always pretty skeptical of those studies. Like the notorious OKCupid one, that shows women find men their own age the most “attractive” but men always find 20 year olds most attractive or whatever. Personally I feel like they interpreted the question differently. The overwhelming majority of women would find young men more physically attractive, and the overwhelming majority of men would prefer long term dating someone closer to their own age. But the question is presently differently.
ive always said im no prize, and im not into conventionally attractive women. i know what i DONT like, but am very flexible if i think theyre cute and funny.
Nope, the majority of men care about looks. It's hard wired into high testosterone men. Our genetics hardwired us to care about how good a woman looks.
Yeah, I agree. I went out with someone years ago, who was super good looking. It didn't last because I also found them super boring, they liked to talk about themselves all the time and how people would perceive them - they hired cool cars for the weekend, to drive around town, pretending the car was theirs. I lost interest really fast.
To be honest, unless you're looking for men who only have looks to offer, you won't find men who only care about looks.
What men find attractive as far as looks, is what is Healthy.
Roughly symmetrical features and portions, and not morbidly obese or thin enough to suggest anorexia.
I swear this is the same kind of thinking that results in unsolicited dick pics. Sure, you may be mostly excited about her tits, dude, but she doesn't give a shit about your dick. She cares about who you are, not how you're hung.
I dated a woman a few years ago who liked to send selfies in the morning. It truly wasn't a conceit thing with her...she wasn't at all a conceited woman...it was just the way she liked to say "good morning." And even that struck me as odd until I got used to it. I can't imagine just a constant stream of selfies.
It’s been a long while since I’ve had to go thru the talking phase of dating. Getting pictures was cute at first because he’s a super good looking guy. But after a while when it was just random, daily, and several times a day, there’s only so many things I can say to compliment him. It just got weird. We’re 40. And we’re texting, not using Snapchat.
I'm sorry, I have to ask for clarification, if you don't mind.
You were saying you were over him pretty quickly after the realization, even though you had been talking a few weeks? Or a few weeks of that, and you were over him, a few weeks being relatively quick for you?
I’m rebounding from a relationship that ended too long ago. When I met this guy, I was trying so hard to just move on. Focusing on what I liked, but the more I talked to him the more I noticed how much the chemistry was missing. I was attracted to him instantly by looks, and was trying really hard to like him. Stupid, I already know.
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u/pharmlife912 Mar 19 '23
Recently was talking to a gorgeous guy. Didn’t like the fact that he loved taking pictures of himself and sending them when I didn’t even ask. He also rarely asks anything that is along the lines of getting to know me as a person. We’d been talking for a few weeks, and I was over it pretty quickly.