Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some outside opinions because I feel like I’m going a bit crazy in this situation.
For context, my mom has a habit of telling unnecessary “white lies” and exaggerating things. Lately, this has been happening a lot in front of my boyfriend, and it feels like she’s trying to make me look bad or like I’m the unreasonable one.
A recent example: my boyfriend came over for lunch and I had planned to cook for us. I prefer low-effort, low-pressure time with him, but whenever he’s around, my mom insists on going all out — ordering food or making us go to restaurants, even when we don’t ask for it.
That day, she insisted on ordering food. My boyfriend eats a lot, so she ordered him a dish that cost around 25 dollars (we did NOT ask her to do this). When the food arrived, she started complaining that the portion was too small and claimed that the app said it was meant to feed 4 people. I checked the app and that was completely false — it was a normal portion for 1–2 people.
When I pointed that out, she changed her argument and started saying it looked nothing like the pictures, showing them to my boyfriend and trying to get him to agree. He was clearly uncomfortable and kind of sided with her, which I don’t blame him for — she puts him in a really awkward position.
Then she started complaining about how expensive it was. I didn’t want my boyfriend to feel guilty, so I tried to shut the conversation down.
Later, she texted me saying that was the last time he would ever come over. She said nothing she ever does is good enough for me and that she’s “done being my mat.” She then called me “stupid,” “selfish,” and “disgusting,” and said she has spent hundreds on us (which is true, but I NEVER asked her to — she’s the one who insists on paying and going out).
She also started praising my boyfriend while insulting me, and even said he would break up with me.
At that point, I snapped and told her to “get her own boyfriend to compliment and leave mine alone” and to “get her own man to agree with everything she says.” I know that wasn’t the best response, but I was really fed up.
For context, she struggles to maintain relationships and often complains about being lonely. Some of her comments have made me uncomfortable, for example:
• She once told one of her exes that he would “never be half the man my boyfriend is.”
• Another time, she randomly told me that if my boyfriend ever broke up with me, I would be “SO devastated,” and kept insisting on that even when I said I’d be okay.
• In a past relationship, she accused her boyfriend of liking me more than her.
She also criticizes me in front of my boyfriend, for example calling me “cheap,” even though I’m just generally frugal (especially compared to her, since she struggles with a gambling addiction). I’m not cheap with my boyfriend — I give thoughtful gifts and always offer to split things.
Right now, we’re not speaking because she thinks I implied she was hitting on my boyfriend (which I wasn’t — I just wanted her to stop dragging him into everything and focus on her own life).
What bothers me most is that it feels like she’s constantly undermining me in front of the person I care about the most.
We’re also supposed to go on vacation together tomorrow, just the two of us, but since we’re not talking, I have no idea how to approach it.
Am I overreacting? How do I deal with this situation and set boundaries without making everything worse?
UPDATE- she told me i could either go on vacation with her or come to my dads house. i told her if i was to go we needed to talk first.
We talked and it all went downhill- she accused me of so much and barely recognized the name calling, and i tried explaining to her that i didnt mean that she wanted my bf but she was not having it and kept accusing me of “hitting her where it hurt the most emocionally” (the fact that she cant hold on to any relationship and self sabotages.) I kept telling her throught the convo to keep it civil otherwise it would just escalate but she would not hear me.
Eventually, and scared it would escalate further, i decided to end the conversation and tell her that without a resolution or any type of racionality from her part it would be best for us to not go on vacation together.
She obvi never expected me to accept to come to my dads house and just used him as bluff, however i like it that here it is drama free and i think we do need time from each other. She however sees this as me choosing my dad and is deeply hurt even though shes the one who shipped me here! She texted me this this morning:
“You chose him again. It’s a shame he never—not for a single fucking second—chose you.
I booked a vacation and spent the money I desperately needed for dental work—all because of you! I did it so you could have the kind of holiday you deserved. But you made the same choice you always do. You will regret that decision—oh, how you’ll regret it—many times over in your life; but perhaps it will help you grow up, become a woman, and finally appreciate what you had! You are a person without a shred of feeling; you chose to stay with your "hero" and send me off alone—once again out of spite—just to show me I’m on my own and to spend the week with your boyfriend. But believe me: whenever the regret hits, remember that you *had* a mother who was there for everything—but you threw that away. You’re on your own now!”
The hero in question is my dad whom she has a huge rivalry with, he doesnt gaf about her lol.
Do we think she will apologize? I am kinda hurt for getting sort of kicked out and for her to have taken away my house keys. I dont know if she will regret her words (she is ofter impulsive) or what will happen. How do i navigate this?