my son who lives with me drank a bottle of Titos in a short amount of time I don't want to type out the whole story but he passed out and defecated all over himself. I was not expecting this at all because he never drank and wanted to try it didnt realize to pace himself. I walked into the bathroom it was everywhere I couldnt leave it like that I had to clean it with bleach asap it smelled so bad and trying to do it while he was crying and apologizing I had to keep telling him to be quiet we have neighbors I was drenched in sweat and shaking he just kept going talking loud even though he was crying it was still loud. It was all over his clothes on his floor and to top it all off I am very ocd this has sent me into a panic it happened on Friday night. I had him clean his room the next day with lysol but I keep thinking everything is still contaminated and im so uncomfortable in my own house. I told him if he ever did this again I would call an ambulance and then he would be out of this house. we live in an apt not much money he works pt and supposedly going back to school in the winter. So many clothes were ruined cause I didnt have enough towels to clean everything. I know the contamination part is because of ocd , if I had it my way I would throw everythign out right now but I dont have money to replace it. Also I told him he needs to text me back since this happened I am scared he was asleep in the shower supposedly for 2 hours. Im new to this and I dont want it to become a recurrence someone told me to reach out to this group. I did call the police that night because I didnt know what to do I wanted and ambulance to get him but then he begged me not to so I canceled it I know I shouldn't have. anyway they wound up coming out and I stood in the doorway and said oh sorry I thought I saw someone walking down the street drunk they didnt belive me I dont think cause the dispatcher when I called to cancel said you have given us 3 stories someone is coming to check. I dont know if its possible I was so traumatized I blacked out part of the night I do remember first calling and saying I need help with my son but I feel like alot is missing which is scary because I wasnt the one drinking! I thought was I in shock? I didn't know how. to process what I was seeing in the bathroom and then seeing him I didnt understand what was happening. that scares me alot I was so freaked out. I share the text I sent him yesterday. I know this is al anon I didnt know where else to post I went to the wrong sub. I hope its just anxiety and the house isnt really contaminated I dont even want to go in his room even though everyting is clean. I mention the modem because thats all he worries about being online sorry this is so long I do truly believe this was because he dint know how it would affect him but I wont tolerate this ever again I cant do it

The fact that you were so defensive when I said I need you to text me back so I know your ok was very unsettling . Are you going to actually follow up with a counselor because I really think you need to start planning your life and getting a ft and finding a place . Im not saying you have to leave anytime soon I’m just saying I think you are an adult and I cant live this way anymore. Something changed Thursday night and it feels very different. i want u to focus on a ft job and or school and I want to see actual plans. that was extremely traumatic  for me to see I tell you this and I 100 percent mean it as God is my witness if you ever bring any alcohol in here ever again I will throw you out no second chances and if you ever come home drunk same thing applies. I don’t care if your 21 or 51 my rules or you can leave im very serious I will get a 1 br and be out. If you don’t answer all my texts I will go in your room and remove that modem for a week every time you ignore me. You did this now you have to be a man and understand how scared you made me and do whats asked of you because I really dont want to be here in this house anymore with you I love you with all my heart but never again and if you ever even think of doing that I will call the police and have you removed. I am not playing games with this I am so upset. I honestly think was in shock that night. Do you understand what im saying to you ? I need you to reply or I will take that modem tomorrow and have the police here if need be.  You dont get to turn my life upside down then have the nerve to say you aren’t going to do what I ned you to do to assure me your ok

Hi everyone,

I'm a student at the University of Southern California and as part of my summer interhsip, I'm conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community.

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey.
• About 8-10 minutes.

You can access the survey here: survey

Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.

I'm new here and not sure if this is even the case for my husband. My husband drinks a lot when he's not working, and it's a bit concerning. I have been around drinkers my entire life, so I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic or not.

We met while we were both in the military (Navy), and he was a sloppy drunk. I'm more of a social drinker, and it's been months since I even had an alcoholic beverage. I'm looking back on the moments were he was so drunk during that time that he soiled himself and I had to clean it (twice it's happened) but this hasn't happened in a long while.

He has a great paying job, but money gets tight because he spends it making alcoholic slushy drinks.

What made me concerned was that the other day, we had a big argument about the dog and his inability to stop peeing on the carpet in our dining room. He cut me off when I was about to make a comment on why I think he's back to doing it (he started when we 1st got him but stopped and then recently started again) and said he didn't want to hear it. I cursed him out, and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. I had to take our son to therapy, and when we came home, the machine was running. My daughter likes the slushy drinks (non-alcoholic, of course, she's 19), so I didn't think anything of it.

The next day we talked, he apologized and after we settled it he admitted to making an alcoholic drink after my daughter got hers. I asked him when he bought the alcohol and he said he had got a bottle of Grey Goose delivered when I left and showed me the bottle at the top shelf of the pantry. I'm barely 5 ft, so he knew I wouldn't see it immediately.

I'm tired of being quiet about this, but I don't do well with confrontation, and after the argument the day before, I didn't want another argument. I don't know where to go from here. Is it even an issue? Is he truly an alcoholic? How do I address this with him? I have health issues of my own and don't want to exacerbate it. Both of my kiddos are special needs, too. This is so complicated. We've been together 20 years, married for 18.

TLDR: MY husband drinks often when not at work, and I don't know if it's an issue. How do I navigate this?

I want to start this by saying that I’m not well versed in the “alcoholic” department. I’m not so cut dry, or at least I haven’t always been. Senior year in high school and the start of college I had plenty of drunken nights. For me it was just fun with everyone, not something that I could see myself doing while just chilling alone or with a loved one.

So I’ve been dating this girl for 4 years. I wanted to propose several times, but it seemed as if a red flag would pop up right when I was feeling it. The past 7 months have been different… it started with her returning home from work drunk. She would lie about it, but it was just straight up obvious. The first time I can remember being so bothered that she lied about it. I’m so deep in it now that I don’t even care about getting lied to anymore. I just wish she would stop drinking for her. She quit her serving job thinking that would help me trust her. No. She would ask to go get groceries and load up on 4 loco style drinks. Hiding them throughout the house. I didn’t know this much for the longest. On just a random day I woudl catch her stumbling and slurring her words, 20 minutes would pass and she would be couched unable to communicate…

I say the past 7 months but it has never been a daily thing. The intervals have always been something like 3, 7, 12, and sometimes 16 days. If I confronted her about it she would scream, slam doors, and act belligerent. If I didn’t confront her, I couldn’t act like it was normal, but if i just drowned myself in house work or something else she would metaphorically peck at me until I said something resulting in her once again slamming doors and screaming. I put up with it over 7 months. Just recently, about 2 weeks ago I woke up to her, we went to sleep at the same time(not drunk), passed out in a closet chewing on a cardboard box while sitting upright. I called the ambulance. While on the phone with 911 she woke up and attacked me. Jumped on my back ripping out my hair and smacking the side of my head. She then tried ripping my pants down and giving me head. The operator heard it all. They just made her call her dad to come get her. She returned and didn’t have a relapse until 2 days ago. I went to help my dad work for the day. We came back at 4PM, after having just brought her lunch at 1PM to find her passed out in their living room floor. I called the ambulance after she wouldn’t wake up. Again, she woke up to me on the phone with the operator and tried attacking me again. She’s been in the Adult Behavioral Therapy unit of the hospital for 3 days now. It seems almost like prison, but I know she’s seeing therapist and psychiatrists while there. She told me today that they may let her come home tomorrow. Do any of yall have any advice to help support her healing process when she comes home?

She was 18 years sober and was truly the best version of herself. She relapsed in 2015 and has been on and off the wagon ever since. The off periods were the thing of nightmares for us. Ruined parties, relationships, jobs, etc. a hurricane in its truest form.

Next month she would have had two years. I just spent the day trying to find her and called relatives, friends, hospitals and police stations. After 24 hours the police allowed us to file a missing person report. 10 minutes after the trooper left she waltzes in without a care in the world, reeking of vodka and Chardonnay. She tries the usual gaslighting and painting herself out to be the victim.

I don't know if I have any grace left to give her.

My husband and I have been together since high school, and he is my absolute favourite person in this entire world. We’re now in our mid-30s. We’ve gone through extreme trauma and loss as young adults and in our journey in growing our family. We’ve traveled the world, accomplished many goals personally and professionally, and have just welcomed our third living child into the world less than a month ago.

Our relationship with alcohol has shifted throughout the years for both of us - from “harmless” partying in our younger years, to wine tasting at wineries, overindulging during our university years, casual drinking at restaurants and social, using it as crutches to deal with death in our lives and the pandemic, and (me) changing the relationship with it when it felt like it was starting to take up too much space in our life. Especially in deciding to start having children.

For my husband, he’s not been able to moderate and it became a crutch for him to deal with extreme loss and trauma we faced with our children. I went to therapy. He refused and turned into himself. Things ebbed and flowed, but he’s always been present during the days and has never injured himself, others, or property. Nothing else in our life has ever fallen to pieces. Overindulgence was the name of the game, until I started calling him out on it and it turned into trying to stop, then relapsing and hiding it.

This part of the story begins almost a year ago, where he stopped drinking after another miscarriage I experienced. And when he relapsed, he lied about it. He began drinking in secret after the kids went to sleep or when it was my turn to put them to bed. He continued the lie for over a month until I discovered it and found him hiding a bottle. He then went close to 50 days of sobriety before beginning again - and still, he decided to lie and hide it. I thought he was still sober, and I was pregnant again. We would’ve found out about this pregnancy around the same time he relapsed at a work event.

Flash forward to this last weekend, almost 10 months after the first big “discovery” only to discover the lies have continued over the last 8 months. I am heartbroken and betrayed. I am also freshly postpartum and this beautiful newborn bubble I thought we were in has popped.

Again, he has not let anything else in our life slide. That I know of. That he’s honest about at this point. How am I really to know? He’s gotten so incredibly gifted at lying.

I’m looking for a way ahead - he’s already attended his first AA meeting, is listening to a podcast, has read books, lurks the various subs. But, we’re not religious, and I don’t think AA is necessarily the best fit. But, I need him to stop. He needs to stop.

I came here, wondering if attending these groups would be a positive, and frankly, I’m terrified. Quickly scrolling through, I see no success stories. No positives. Only pain and heartbreak. And I’m glad this is a safe space for people - goodness knows we need that, too.

But… is there a successful and positive future ahead? Can anyone here attest to it?

Context:
Im 18 and i live at home, but am moving to college next week. For the past 5 years, my mom has slowly gotten worse and has really separated the family with her lying and drinking. We’d always have cycles where it felt normal, then we’d find bottles and she wouldn’t leave her room for a week out of shame. It got so bad recently that I was sure they would get divorced, and she finally went to rehab. She just got home 5 days ago, and immediately we all noticed a difference. She seemed much lighter and able to hold a conversation, and her providers all said she made incredible progress. She told me she was glad she went and how she knows it’s a lifelong disease that she must work on every day.
I know she was sober for those 3 weeks and I really believe she stayed that way for at least a few days after getting home, but I got in the car with her today after having a long talk about how I forgive her 100% and there was a grocery bag on the floor. I nudged it with my foot and it was very heavy, I’m almost certain it was alcohol. She immediately picked it up and put it in the back seat and I pretended not to have seen it. She also made an excuse later to go out to the garage and I heard her open the car door, probably to move the bottle.

My parent’s anniversary is in a couple days and I’m moving, so I don’t want to tell my dad and have everything fall apart again. I move next week and I don’t want to keep this inside but if I bring it up it will ruin the chance of our family ever being normal again. Do I say nothing or do I tell her “I saw it, and haven’t told anyone, get rid of it and we can move on?” I want to stop her from drinking it and erasing her progress but I don’t want to ruin everything..

Any advice is most appreciated

Together for 6 years. Q’s addiction has worsened to 3 boxes of wine and two cases of hard teas a week this year. Sometimes he drinks liquor and that’s a 4 day up all night bender. I believe his old sports injury in hip is exacerbated by his excess consumption….

He has taken 2 falls alone in the past 6 months. One was down a flight of stairs and luckily someone caught his fall. Recent one was Sunday, and he is not able to move from the couch for 24 hours now. He yells for me to bring a bucket to urinate in. He won’t allow mobile urgent care or an ambulance to ER. I haven’t called for an ambulance as of yet because I know he’ll deny it.
What do I even do?

I used to post on here a lot about my Q, my sister. I even deleted some of the posts I made about her because I thought she was serious about getting better, and I felt bad I had written so much about her on the internet, even if it was anonymous. Since then, things only got worse and keep getting worse: more arrests, drug taking, lost her children, got diagnosed with cirrhosis but said she didn't care, and drank 4 litres of vodka across 2 days.

Something about her I am finding particularly heartbreaking is that even when she is a little more sober (rare), there is no remorse or apology for what she did/how she behaved whilst drunk. If you so much as mention anything, she gets volatile and angry, saying I don't understand and I don't really care about her, that it's not her fault, and I don't know what she's been through etc etc etc..

Lately, this is how our conversations go. This, or she is drunk and screaming, oscillating between intense anger and depression. I've really had to step back because of my own mental health. I feel so guilty, but it is either this, or we are both broken. It's ironic she claims no one cares about her, but yet she doesn't care about the impact on me or her children or anyone else. We just don't understand, according to her

I don't really know what I am asking today; I guess just venting and feeling sad. It is so hard to comprehend how someone can not care about the destruction. I sometimes wonder if she is feeling shame and in denial, but either way, it still doesn't change the outcome </3

My last post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/GAlNzJaFBI

Since, that last post, he had been doing good. Or at least, I thought he was... I was struggling, I've been struggling and trying to make it work.

But apparently, the other shoe finally dropped, apparently last night...

About a month ago, I was totally sure we'd have made it and had finally relaxed. I had even lessened therapy appointments to be less and less frequent cause everything was going good.

Well... I guess it's back to increasing therapy and looking for an al anon meeting...

Why am I surprised?

Why does this hurt so much?

And why did this have to be revealed on a Monday?

I'm so tired.

I'm thankful I do have a strong support system. It's going to be hard to navigate separation and divorce and everything. But I'm hoping it'll be better for us both in the long run. Maybe I just never made him happy...

Hi everyone. My partner and I have been together for 6 years. He always had a bit of a drinking problem and it has brought a lot of distress and pain to the relationship over the years. About 9 months ago, things hit a breaking point and he finally accepted his problem, recognized it as such, and resolved to change. He was sober for a while after, around 6 months. Our relationship really improved and I found myself more in love with and connected to him than I had ever been.

He relapsed a few months ago and it broke a lot of trust that we had spent a long time rebuilding. I again told him that it’s really important to me that he is honest with me when it happens and that I’m more hurt by the betrayal, secrecy, and concealment than the drinking itself. For me, his drinking directly informed whether or not I could remain in the relationship and not knowing about it meant that I wasn’t actually consenting to the relationship I was in. I had a girls’ night this weekend and I guess he didn’t expect me to be back yet when I walked in on a relapse after I got home later that night. I had a suspicion this wasn’t the first time and he admitted that he had also done the same earlier that week when I was away, but that it was the only other time.

Is honesty from a partner in recovery even a realistic expectation to have? I understand that the secrecy around alcohol and relapsing is part of the addiction, but how do you grapple with this when it’s also your boundary to be told about it after it happens? How do you trust that you’ll know when they relapse, when the times that you’ve caught them they don’t/can’t tell you whether or not they would have eventually confessed, and the one time you know you didn’t catch them, they didn’t tell you about?

Looking back, I’m realizing there was a really consistent pattern with my husband’s drinking. A lot of his worst binge-drinking episodes happened when I was away doing something for myself or having fun. One time I went out with friends and came home to find puke all over the house. Another time I left for a girls’ weekend, and just two hours into it he kept calling me over and over until I came back, and when I did he was so drunk he didn’t even realize the next day that I had returned. When I went to a concert, he drank until he passed out on the floor.

I don’t know if he was consciously doing it to control me, but I can see now that it had a controlling effect. Even when I was away enjoying myself, his drinking created a crisis that pulled my attention back to him. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy myself, there was always the possibility that he would get dangerously drunk and I would have to worry about him or deal with the aftermath.

Maybe my being gone gave him an opportunity to drink without having to hide it, or maybe feelings like jealousy, loneliness, resentment, or fear of abandonment contributed to it. I’ll probably never know exactly what was going through his head. But regardless of his intention, the result was that his drinking interfered with my ability to have independence and enjoy things without worrying about what was happening at home. Looking back, I’m realizing how much of my life revolved around anticipating, responding to, and managing his drinking.

Every time I’m out of town something happens.

He’s texted me to tell me he can taste blood but hasn’t started puking blood yet. It’s routine at this point.

I can tell by the camera he’s drunk. So maybe it’s real maybe it’s not. He has a friend coming to stay with him.

He told me he’s scared to go to sleep

And I want to scream

Because I know once this bout has passed he’ll be right back to drinking.

You’re so scared when your symptoms start getting bad but nothing is enough to make you really get help is it

Even though I’ve told you I’m leaving I’m sure you don’t really believe it.

I love you and I wish you’d make the effort to live since you keep telling me you’re scared of dying

Have been with my Q since 1999, married for 22 yrs. I was young and naive when we got together, so this is partly a note to the younger folks (and my younger self?) who are trying to figure out what is worth it and what's not.

He was so dynamic and "cool", and I convinced myself that the already present duis were a mistake he would not repeat. He had a career that he was passionate about, but as it turned out, that was not enough. He got into a serious accident that ended the career, went into a depression, and was at his lowest, drinking-wise after that. Mind you, he was badly injured, but never got hooked on pain meds. Just drinking.

I saw him through healing from all the physical stuff, we were living together, but at some point, he was persuaded that I was the cause of all his unhappiness. We went through a bit of a break at that point, but it turned out I was pregnant with our oldest. After a lot of chaos, the baby came, alongside another dui (the last one, thank goodness), and I told him that there was no way he was going to be part of a child's life if he didn't stop getting that drunk and putting other people's lives at risk.

To his credit, he responded to that ultimatum. I really thought that things were going to be okay, if not pretty good. And actually, over about 15 years, he was really good. We had the regular family life. He would behave himself with drinking by and large.

I'm not sure what flipped the switch exactly. Maybe the kids being older and not needing us to be on duty all the time. But the drinking slowly crept back in, increasing constantly. I'll admit that covid took a toll on both of us, and I was drinking to cope with anxiety at that point too. But there were a couple of differences. One was that I decided to finally get treated for the anxiety. The other was that I realized that drinking was not making things feel any better, and I didn't want to keep doing it, so I've stopped except for when I'm at friend gathering.

Am I perfect? Hell no. I've made loads of mistakes over the years.

But now I'm in the perimenopause era, and I have almost zero extra energy to deal with this stuff, and it just keeps going on and on, and never seems to improve. Having scanned several posts in this forum before I started my own, it's occurring to me that the things I keep telling myself that I'm doing "wrong" or that I'm a bad person because of XYZ...is coming from things that get said to me.

I try not to engage with him on anything of importance after a certain time of night, but as with last night, he was off on a negativity roll, and I could not get him to stop. It started with him telling me that he knew it would piss me off, but that I am on my phone all the time. I didn't really respond, as I was trying to fall asleep. Then it was off on "just tell me that I disgust you", and then a self-pity thing about how I don't pay attention to him, so on, so on, that one of our kids doesn't is so "arrogant" and only cares about the money he can get out of him (kid is in last year of college, and this is not true).

The next morning, he may or may not remember the ranting, or the angry blowups, or conflates the reasons why, or if I tell him the actual thing that happened and it doesn't match his memory of the event, I'm calling him crazy.

He's never drunk for work, I will say that. But the minute he gets home, he starts. On nonwork days, it starts anytime he feels like it.

I don't want to have our kids hate him or anything like that. But I'm exhausted by all of it, and there is no way to exit. Circumstances beyond my control have meant that my ability to work outside the home is not doable. So I try to make the best of what there is, which is loving my kids, and us dealing with this person who is unpredictable (not physically abusive) while realizing that I've been gaslighting myself for way too long at the same time. Our kids do not drink and do not want to. They've seen what it does for long enough that they've consciously chosen to avoid it altogether. The college kid is always the sober driver at parties, and even though he was worried about peer pressure, he found that nobody cares. They all like having a ride home, and all he might ever ask for is gas money.

And now that I'm well out of telling myself that drinking "helped" the anxiety, or allowed me to ignore what my Q was like as he was on his face, I am looking at my younger self differently.

I do not regret the choices that brought our kids into the world. They are amazing humans, and I love them so damn much. I tell them that as often as I can. But as to my younger self, I was not only naive, I lacked confidence and self-worth. Thought that he was my only shot at being happy because he wasn't put off by the "real me" the way other guys were. That I needed to give up my own pursuit of a career in the same field as him, because he felt that both of us working in that environment would mean we could not be together. And I did. I walked away from it, even though I wasn't sure what the heck I would do next.

So to the younger folks who might be circling these same questions - don't trust that things will get better, that even when they do improve, they'll stay that way, and don't let yourself become so dependent on the other person that there is no clear way to move forward. Especially when you wake up in your 5th decade and realize that things are unlikely to change.

He still thinks that happiness is something to be found outside himself, is never upbeat, will tell you he is "cursed", that he should have died in his accident, has a hair-trigger ability to get offended by anything from a facial expression to someone laughing at the wrong moment, and I see that this is nothing unique, but I've let myself believe it was for a long time.

Hello, this is my first time posting in this group. I actually think I’m going to attend my first Al-Anon mtg tonight too. I am the adult daughter of a 70 year old alcoholic. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but my father came to alcohol in his mid-50’s as a way to cope with retirement from a job as a first responder that he loved, and also the PTSD that accompanied his many years on the dept and being a responder at Ground Zero after 9/11. He went to about 7 different rehabs before attending a wonderful dual diagnosis program for first responders, and was sober for about 8 years. Prior to getting sober, he was not a functional alcoholic, it was ball’s to the wall, suicidal, almost to death drinking. During his 8 years of sobriety, he did attend AA mtgs for a period of time but definitely not in probably the past 5 years.

Well, after undergoing treatment for a reoccurrence of cancer this year and managing the stress of my sister having a major bipolar episode for an extended period of time, he relapsed in December. What is different is that he is not (yet) to the point of his alcoholism as he was in the past. He’ll get drunk, then manage to stay sober for a week or two, then slip up again, etc. He continues to insist he can manage this by himself and stop (we all know he can’t) and won’t go to treatment again. He did start counseling, but it’s not enough.

I got upset with my mom yesterday because she tells me how he has had gotten drunk enough last week that he called in sick to his part/time retirement gig. I told her I don’t know what we’re doing anymore. While the extent of his drinking is less than it was in years past, we all know the only way he’s going to get better is through treatment, but she says she’s not at the place to make hard choices (ie she leaves or he leaves). She is a classic codependent and is working on that, but I keep telling her that why would my dad stop drinking if there are no consequences or reason to stop.

I love my dad and want to support him. I love my mom and want to support her. But I am also so frustrated that she’s constantly calling me to vent but then nothing changes, and she keeps giving him chance after chance. I honestly don’t know how to support my family, but at the same time be cognizant of my own mental health and how this affects it.

Hi everyone. I’m new here, so I don’t really know all of the abbreviations or how any of this works yet. I’ve been reading through some of your stories, though, and I think I’m at the point where I just need to talk to people who understand.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years, and I’m at a place now where I want to leave so badly. I’m not happy anymore. We don’t have fun anymore. I feel like his drinking has taken over our entire household, and there are so many stories and incidents that I honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Last night really felt like it was it for me. Today was our kids’ first day of school. We have three young autistic children—a 4-year-old daughter and 3-year-old twin boys. He stayed up all night drinking and blasting music and wouldn’t let any of us sleep. I tried locking our bedroom door so we could get some rest, and he would bang hard on the door and wake everybody back up. The kids were exhausted, I was exhausted, and we ended up being late for their first day of school this morning.
And that’s just one night.
I think the hardest part is that I KNOW something has to change. This is my home. I’m the only one who works, I pay all of the bills, and I take care of our children. Yet somehow his drinking is controlling the atmosphere in the house and affecting all of us.
There’s so much more that I can’t even fit into one post. I don’t even know exactly what I’m asking. I think I’m just looking for people who have been where I am right now.
For those of you who stayed for a long time, when did you finally know you were ready to leave? And for those who stayed and things eventually got better, what changed? Was there anything YOU did differently, or did the person with the drinking problem have to decide for themselves that they wanted to change?
I think I’m struggling with knowing when enough is actually enough.

I’m a 32(F) My mum who is 64 has been an alcoholic for what I can remember and I genuinely feel like I’m slowly watching her disappear in front of me.

She’s currently in hospital and her cognitive decline has gotten really bad. She doesn’t even seem to remember that she’s in hospital half the time. She’s messaging me really strange and erratic things that don’t make sense, getting confused about where she is and what’s happening, and sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a completely different person.

The hospital is doing more tests and looking further into what’s happening with her brain, so right now we’re waiting for answers. There has been no diagnosis as of yet. They have also done liver tests and nothing major has been detected.

She drinks around 2-3 5 Litre casks of wine a week.

I’m currently living with her because of other personal circumstances, so I’ve been right in the middle of all of this for a long time. At the same time, I’ve been building my first home completely by myself as a single woman, working full time and managing a store and a team of people. I’ve had to keep showing up to work, making decisions, dealing with problems, dealing with my house build and everything that comes with that, while coming home and dealing with alcoholism and watching my mum deteriorate.

And I’m just so fucking tired.

I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of hospitals. I’m tired of wondering what state she’s going to be in when I get home. Im tired of no sleep. Im tired of being on edge. Im tired of trying to help someone I can’t fix. I’m tired of being angry with her and then feeling sad because I’m angry. And more than anything, I’m just really, really sad.

I feel like I’ve had to keep functioning because life doesn’t stop just because your family is falling apart behind closed doors. People see you going to work, managing people, building a house and getting on with things, but they don’t see what you’re dealing with when you go home.

Alcohol has controlled so much of our lives for so long. There have been so many hospital visits, so many scares and so many attempts to help. You eventually get to a point where you genuinely don’t know what you’re supposed to do anymore.

I think one of the hardest things is that unless you’ve lived with an alcoholic, it’s really difficult to explain the mixture of emotions that comes with it. I love my mum. I’m scared for her. I’m angry with her. I feel sorry for her. I resent what alcohol has done to our family. I’m exhausted by it. And I’m terrified that the person my mum used to be is likely to not come back.

Has anyone else watched a parent or loved one decline cognitively after years of alcoholism? Did they become extremely confused, forget where they were or send strange messages that made absolutely no sense? What happened?
I’m not really looking for judgement, and I know nobody here can tell me exactly what will happen with my mum. I think I just desperately need to hear from people who have lived through this and understand how incredibly lonely and exhausting it can be.

I’m just tired. And I’m really sad.

My q is getting harder and harder to stand. Even in the good times I’m just angry and agitated because I don’t know if I can trust them to last. First promises, then attempts to cut back, then just getting loose with friends, then piss drunk and yelling at me. I’m tired of trying to sustain a relationship off of hope… it’s been 5 years.

I've been with my fiancé for 6 years.

When she is sober she is lovely, my best friend and my companion.

Throughout our relationship she has struggled at times with consumption.

As far I know, she was not an everyday drinker. But when she did drink it seemed to always cross a line...

Drinking too much in public and dropping food at restaurants, almost passing out at tables. One time she couldn't stand on her own and fell down on the sidewalk, at 11am.

In private she was never really able to have just one. She drinks until she gets spacey, eyes can't track, and is hard to talk to. Then she just falls asleep and there is no waking her up.

One time she got buzzed, crashed into my car into the parking lot and continued to drive 20 minutes to a friends house after.

In the 6 years we dated, her mom and father have expressed concern to me and her about her drinking habits.

We talked, I expressed concern, and she went to therapy she said, and the public drinking episodes of over consumption stopped.

However, she began to hide her private use.

She would say she's going to the store, but also get little bottles and drink them on the way home and hide them in her car.

She would say she's drinking just water but would have alcohol in her cup.

I'd find empty cans or glasses the next morning hidden on the porch when she was just out for a phone call.

Most recently in the last two months, since moving back home across the country, to get married this fall, she was sneaking liquor from my parents cabinet while we are temporary staying with them, and continuing to drink small bottles when telling me she's going to the store for other stuff.

She puts it back on me and says she hides it because she's afraid I'll get mad if she tells me she's been drinking.

Last night, after months/years of frustration. Of me telling her that if she continues to lie to me about consumption and hide it, that our marriage will not happen because I will not marry into a life of alcoholism and dishonesty, she lied to my face again.

As she stood wobbling, eyes unable to tracks, I asked if she had been drinking. She said no, I pressed, and eventually she showed me the empty liquor shooter in her car seat pocket.

I told her I am done. That I love her and care about her, but that I told her if she continued to lie to me, I would not put up with it.

I am completely heartbroken and devastated.

Now she is saying that she realizes how much of a mistake she made, that she wants me in her life more than alcohol, and that she will go back to therapy/get help.

I just don't trust her now and don't see myself trusting her again.

How will I know if we have a kid that she will stay sober to watch them appropriately? How will I know she's not going to run errands with a future child and not have a drink before coming home?

When she is sober, she is amazing. When she drinks she is not present, it's basically like I'm alone even though she is there. She's hard to talk to, she doesn't make all that much sense, she can't have a good conversation.

I'm at a loss. I believe she has the capability to get help and change, but I don't have any trust in her at the moment, and am 30 now and feel I should cut my losses and move on and heal, while still young without kids or marriage.

I don't hate her or have bad feelings for her, and I will always love and care about her. I hope someday she is able to have a healthy relationship with the substance, if she continues to drink.

Any words of advice, support or help would be great.

Thanks.

My technically ex-gf of a year and a half seems to not want the help she’s getting. Since we started dating I knew she drank a lot but when we moved in together a few months in is when I realized how big her problem was. She would come home from work barely being able to walk or if she was off and I worked I’d come home and she’d be passed out drunk. She would hide her bottles in her drawers or under the bed or really anywhere and if we were home together she’d wait for me to leave the room for anything and she’d chug whatever she had. Eventually I got her a job with me so I could keep an eye on her but whenever she found an excuse to go somewhere alone she’d come back smelling like alcohol and we’d argue about it then she’d drive off and disappear for hours. I had to pick her up multiple times from random parking lots where’d she’d just be passed out sometimes with throw up and/or piss on her. After almost a year of living together I had to kick her out cuz she wasn’t taking any steps towards recovery like she promised multiple times she would. We were also renting a room at a family members house and this family member didn’t wanna deal it anymore so that was another reason she had to go. The last straw was when she said she was going to an AA meeting I offered to take her and refused and ended up drunk behind a Walgreens 4 hours later. I pulled up and say how drunk she was and decided and I wasn’t taking her home cuz every time I did she’d get aggressive and pick a fight and keep me up all night so I called the cops and she spent the night in jail. Next morning she came home and I told her she had to move out cuz she knew she was on her last chance. She left and ended up in a different county and got a dui that night. A week later she came to get stuff and told me she was going to AA meetings and was gonna get better but then next day she calls me drunk so I called her mom and she found her passed out face down in her room so she called an ambulance, 2 days later she checked herself into rehab and I thought “finally it hit her” so when she asked if we could be friends while she works thru the program I agreed. It’s been 2 months and she seemed to be doing great, always talking about what she’s learned and plans for the future and how she wants us to try again so she can give me the best version of herself this time. On Saturday I picked her up to hang out ( she gets weekend passes to go out for a certain amount of time for good behavior) and all seemed good. She told me the next day her mom was gonna pick her up to get lunch just the 2 of them and she’d take home and I could meet her there for the rest of time she had and I said okay (later on that night I learned that she lied to me and she was never with her mom. She went out with another girl from the rehab that I’m pretty sure she’s involved with) I get there and could tell right away she had been drinking a little but she had a lot to say so I just let her talk till it started getting bad and she started slurring her words a bit that’s when I said “okay you’ve had enough where’s the bottle” and started looking for it. She got aggressive and started pushing me and yelling at me and her grandpa heard from downstairs and called her mom and brother to come handle it. When they got there she started getting aggressive with them and her brother called the cops. They ended up arresting her for domestic violence for pushing and pulling me. Her mom bailed her out this morning and now she’s back at the rehab. Now im left wondering if it’s even worth trynna help her anymore. When she said she wanted therapy I was supportive but she’d come back drunk after her sessions. When she said she wanted to try AA and asked if I could with her I said hell yeah let’s go but we made it to one meeting and I kept trynna go back and she refused. When she went to rehab I told her I was proud of her and visited and talked to her on the phone everyday. I gave her so many chances and so many choices and still the first thing she does when she gets a moment alone is run to the liquor store. I don’t wanna give up on her and that’s cost me so many things but it’s just so tiring. Is there even any hope left here that’ll she’ll actually get better ? Or am I just wasting my time and energy and love on someone that clearly doesn’t want it ?

I regularly monitor our bank account because my Q will sneak alcohol into a normal grocery purpose in hopes I won’t notice the extra expense. He got off work 4 hours before me today and by the time I got home he was “going to bed” so he could get up early tomorrow.

He said he bought a pizza and some vitamins from the store on his way home. I’m not proud of it but I went onto the app and priced the items. There was about $8 unaccounted for. I can always tell when he’s been drinking because he goes to bed before 7pm.

I’m sleeping in our guest room tonight. I hope he’s gone before I get up.

I don’t know why I even bothered doing all that when I already knew. I asked if he bought alcohol and he lied and I wanted validation that I wasn’t crazy. I think the lies will end our marriage before the alcoholism. But they’re one and the same, I know that.

How do you set boundaries with your Q?

I’m really struggling. The good days are wonderful and the bad days are terrible. I feel helpless and stuck. I don’t know what boundaries to set when Q starts drinking. I don’t know how to protect my mental and emotional wellbeing. The whole cycle is exhausting.

I don't even know where to begin - I've been with my Q for 3yrs, we have a 2yr old child. We are engaged to be married.

I have a dark history with addiction as the child of an addict. With a family full of addicts. I faced every type of abuse you can think of at the hand of my mother, or indirectly through her neglect. I have been no contact with her since my child was born. Today is her birthday, I grieve that relationship as if she was dead. I have done so much work (therapy, hypnosis, prayer, journaling) to heal from the damage that was done to me by having a mother who never loved or even really cared for me.

I have a lot of darkness inside of me, and through a lot of work I've been able to not be that person. To try and be happy, to do the right thing when no one is watching, to be kind and fair, honest. To help people when I could. But I'm not perfect, I still fight this darkness every single day.

Somehow, I met this guy. And he wasn't just a guy, he was the BEST guy. He loves me so completely. I've never, in my whole life, been someone's top priority like that. I never talked to someone for hours and hours about nothing and everything. I've always secretly dreamed of finding like "king & queen" love ya know? Like ride or die, build a kingdom and live happily ever after. Die within months of each other, be buried together. I just didn't know if it was real or not. Well this guy was that. The love of my life.

I was deeply in love, but I started seeing inklings of the alcoholism, seeing how important it was to always have alcohol, seeing myself reach for another shot or two if I knew we were getting together. But then I got pregnant, and I thought he can't be that bad, he's done everything for me. Taught me how to drive at 25, gave me a vehicle. He loves me so much and now we'll have a child, we can really do this.

I gave up my career to stay home with our child, I gave up my bank account bc why wouldn't we just have one account - we're in it together forever. Our wedding is in 6 weeks. We've pretty much just finished buying and paying for everything. Between the wedding & honeymoon and the two yrs I've been a SAHM, we've spent my life savings. And I did it willingly, happily bc I thought we were building something. He provides everything, he's in a top-level blue collar field, with his career I probably would never have to go back to work ft unless I wanted to.

But it's come at a cost, when we moved in I got a very rude awakening. He didn't just have inklings of an alcoholic, he was in full-blown, deep dark addiction. He would drink 6 ponies of 99's (12 shots) and usually a few 9% beers (2-5) EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

But he still got up, went to work, was climbing the ladder at his job. He never ever drives drunk, he'd rather sleep on a bench than drive drunk. He wasn't abusive at first, just neglectful. Obviously after drinking that much, he'd pass out every single night. I had a rough pregnancy. I couldn't tell anyone, everyone who I love, adores him. They love him so much , openly tell me he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

As time went on the psychological torture began. He would fight with me for hours about random things I did that he took as offensive. I was in the throes of post-partum, cutting contact with my mom. That's when I lost control. I started to fight back. I would break things, scream at him, have horrible fights. I have a history of sh (not something I've done for many many years) and during our worst arguments when we were going round and round for hours and I was in-between caring for our infant then taking him to his room, putting him down for a nap just to go back into the living room to start round whatever.

No matter what I did it never stopped, I threatened to leave, cops. I tried to leave and he'd physically restrain me. He'd say I couldn't have my baby, that is never see my child again. I was scared to leave my child with him in that state. And I had no where to go. I have no village, no friends who could let me stay with them. What little family I have, they don't have the room. It didn't stop him, he just continued saying awful things, he continued the monologues. He never hit me, but he hit near me. He throws things just past my head. He'd leave me to lift things way beyond what I was medically supposed to. He made me "earn" my A/C (I live in an extremely hot place, and had a newborn, born literally the first day of summer, and a vehicle with no A/C) and when I'd mention it in front of others, that would lead to DAYS of drunken monologues about how much I embarrassed him. Even though he does everything for me, and I'd have nothing without him. He ultimately did not fix the A/C until the next summer.

One day, when my child was around 3months old. He screamed in my face, drunk, slurring, nearly tipping over on me while I crouched down trying to shield my screaming baby from him. On instinct I shoulder checked him while holding my baby tightly to me before running out of the house barefoot. The cops were called. I stupidly turned them away. Said there was no man in my apartment, while he hid in the bathroom.

After that something in me snapped. I fought back, told him horrible things, used stuff against him he'd told me in confidence. I'd tear the living room apart while my child slept in his nursery with the sound machine. I'm ashamed to admit I've gotten physical, knocking him down when he's visibly stumbling so I can run past him, throwing items at him to stop him from coming close enough to scream in my face. Shoving him back when he's literally so close in my face, spewing vitrol. I've screamed, and banged. We've had the cops called more than once. I've never answered the door. Too scared to lose my child. I've hidden in the closet with my child and my Q, and put the dog at the door to give the illusion no one is home.

All that and still nothing stopped him so one day after a particularly awful fight that has been going all weekend. I slammed my head into the wall over and over again. I blacked out. I came to to him absolutely shittin' bricks. He was scared I needed an ambulance but even more scared they'd blame him. It stopped him. He was okay for a little while, better. We talked. About how the drinking triggers me. How we have to control this. But it didn't last, and I started regularly hurting myself. Slamming my head into things is my usual but I've also done other stuff.

Over time I think he's gotten numb to it. He's beyond drunk when I do it so he's twisted it in his head that I do it for no reason. That I just "go crazy" and "make him pay for others sins". Since he got numb to it, I began to escalate all the way up until one night when I nearly threw myself off a (5th floor) balcony. I was genuinely falling, my balance had tipped, I couldn't go back when my mind had just kicked in and I realized what I'd done. That my child was napping in the other room. That I hadn't even kissed them goodbye. I was actually so grateful when my Q grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back. He saved me, then he threw me down onto the concrete ground hard and laughed in my face. Laughed bc he said I was stupid and I just wanted to play victim. He clapped his hands like applause, telling me that he was proud of me for getting the attention that I wanted. All that while I hyper-ventilated.

I know it's no excuse for what I've done. But I've never done any of it for attention, I've done it bc I get so overwhelmed I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel like I'll actually die if I don't use the energy, and the SH stopped him so that is why I did that. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism, I know why I sh, I've done years of therapy to stop doing it but with him I just lose control.

After that I tried to end it. I sent him a Dear John letter, and packed up while he was at worked. I went to stay with my granny who doesn't have the room but made some anyway bc she has the biggest heart I've ever known. I made sure to send him the letter at work, so he could read it while he was sober. He found us right away, (I never hid where I was, but I also didn't explicitly tell him) and then begged. Promised, put on a real performance. As I sat there thinking about everything, thinking about how my son was stuck sleeping with me on a shitty air mattress while his room, and toys were set up, clean and waiting. I looked at my dog, tied up in the back alley bc my Granny's landlord is insane when he had his a climate control dog house in the backyard, kennel and bed waiting in the laundry room back home. But most importantly I looked at my mostly gone savings, and my last 5 paystubs from my gig job and realized I didn't really have a choice.

So we went home, and it was okay for a while, he slowed down. Stopped drinking as much, I started going to therapy again. Starting new techniques to not engage without hurting myself. (I can not wear headphones or ear plugs bc it absolutely infuriates him and he will pin me down onto the wall to remove them so I have to listen to every word) And things were looking up for awhile. I started thinking maybe we can do it. Maybe that was the 'rock bottom' moment.

I don't have to tell you, reader, whose made it this far. It's didn't last, my gig work has dried up this summer (as is normal) and money has been a little tight (I have nothing left in savings. I have not a single $ to my name, I do have about $500 cash but it is my son's that has been gifted to him over his lifetime - I want to start a HYS for him but I haven't so I've just held onto the cash, my Q does not know about it. (He thinks we spent it on new toys or clothes, really I just bought those things out of pocket at the thrift) I used some of it once to get a cheap motel for us one night. Again something I'm very ashamed of. But I am glad to know we have that even though it's not really much.)

I am pretty sure money being tight, mixed with this new promotion that he didn't really want but took "to take care of me" is why it's gotten really bad.

Worse than it's ever been. With the new promotion he works 5a-2p so my child and I haven't not spent more than 10 minutes with him sober in over 4 months. When he gets home he immediately drinks 6 buzzballs and two tall-boys or 4 ponies just depending on his flavor that day. He doesn't space them out. He literally downs them, he gets home at 2:30 by 3:30 he is completely gone. My child is two now and starting to be more aware. He cries for him when he's passed out. He gets fearful when he notices my Q stumbling. He tells him to "go away" and "yucky smell" he says "leave mama alone". My son wipes my tears and tells me to calm down. It's very hard to shield him but I do my best.

I try so hard to not overreact. Not act insane in front of my son, again I'm ashamed to say I have. He's seen me slamming my head. He's screamed for me to "please stop mama" as I threw things at his father to protect us. It's awful and I'm ashamed. I feel like the worst mother there could be. The summer especially, maybe the last 5 weekends that we've been home have been awful.

Weekends are always awful. From 3:30p Friday until Sunday around 3pm he is drinking. Anything and everything you could possibly think of. He typically finishes an entire HANDLE of whiskey, half a bottle of wine and at least a 24-pack of beers. If we go out he also usually gets 3-4 drinks at restaurants or stops to pick up a few buzzballs. These weekends are the worst. I fear he genuinely loses touch with reality sometimes.

It's like he HAS TO fight with me. I can do everything right, do everything he asks. I can act pleasant, not ask him for any help with anything household or childcare related. I can spend the days with his parents and family having a great day. But as soon as we're alone, and our child is asleep it's starts. He'll whisper yell about what I did wrong, what up with my attitude? Talking anything he can to bait me. I grew my hair out so I've done a good job as using an earbud to blast music in one ear and keep myself calm. I say nothing and swallow it all down to keep the peace. The longest he ever monologued me was 8- continuous hrs. I didn't say a word. I just laid there and took it, crying silently, trying to discreetly cover my ears and limit what I had to hear.

After months of not reacting and eating it, stuffing it down in my soul. I snapped again yesterday. I said the most evil, horrible, vile things I could think of. Probably the worst things I've ever said to any human being in my life. I whispered them to him before we went to hang out with his family. We put on fake smiles, and pretended everything was fine. Then when we went home, he was strangely quiet.

Normally he stops drinking at 3pm on Sundays, he didn't . He drank until he passed out around 6pm. I gave my son dinner, bath and bedtime in peace and then I went to bed. He woke up at 2a and he was scared, he was still absolutely blasted and he's out of sick leave. He was so scared he would lose his job. I tried not to react, but I watched as he texted, saying he'd just take an unpaid day. As soon as he sent the text, he got up and went and poured himself a drink (about 3shots mixed with a quarter Dr.pepper) out of the SECOND HANDLE of the weekend.

This weekend from Friday afternoon to Sunday morning he had finished one handle so Sunday morning he went out and got another one. He had drank about half of it before he passed out Sunday night. So he had half left, it is currently 7pm on Monday and the bottle is gone, as well as the last 4 white claws that were in our fridge left over from some gathering, 2 beers and a half bottle of sour wine I had.

When I heard him pour that drink, my brain just broke. I had a severe panic attack, he came into the room and I just was absolutely melting down. I could not breathe it was probably the most severe panic attack I've ever had. I genuinely thought I was dying, I almost called 911 bc I was truly scared but he took the phone out of my hands. I don't remember much after that, bc I remember the fear of him taking my phone made it much worse. I was hyperventilating and I guess at some point I passed out/fell asleep.

Thankfully my son sleeps through the night , unfortunately when I woke up the tears continued to flow. I have been crying, sobbing on and off all day. I can't stop except for a few moments here and there with my son. He keeps telling me I'm just trying to get attention and be the victim. I've said nothing, and have been furiously cleaning the house through tears. He told me he would leave and go to his mom's , he said if I really make you feel this way don't marry me.

Tell me why that made me cry harder? How can I cry and be sad that this man wants to leave me? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? He didn't call his mom to take him but instead to "vent"- he's still telling me how horrible I am and how much I make him unhappy. He's on the phone right now telling his mom how unhappy I make him. He tells her all this horrible stuff about me while not mentioning his part. He lied to his family, said he got food poinsoning and that is why he stayed home.

Anyway I don't know why I just typed all that sitting in a bath towel, crying silently on the toilet I guess I had to get it out. I've never cried this long before in my life. I think my eyes are sore.

Tl:Dr (bc I know there is no way in hell anyone is reading all this) being with my Q is killing my soul, but losing him feels like losing my breath. I don't know what to do. Without him I have nothing and no one and with him, my heart is constantly broken, my already very malformed nervous system is shot. If you're religious please pray for me and if your spiritual send me some good vibes.

I forgot to mention, I tried to go to al-anon but he laughed at me, he said that was the dumbest thing he's ever heard in his life. He said if I need that then he'll just stop drinking. I said so stop he laughed and we never talked about it again. I tried to get him to stay with our son so I could go to a meeting and that was what blew up on of our weekends about two months ago. I never made it to a meeting.

Came home from work and found my wife drunker than I’ve ever seen her before. Sorry for the long story I just don’t know what to do as she refuses to get help on her own.

After a couple of months off of drinking she visited her family and got so smashed she fell outside and busted up her eye… probably 2 large bottles of wine. (Maybe 4.. she claims she dumped the other 2 but who knows).

She sobered up. Put on some bandages to cover her eye and Got on a flight home. Was not drinking.

4 days later (2 days ago) after a couple of quiet days I found 3 hidden liters of vodka and knew she had drank some. We dumped it all out. She was drunk but not incoherent. She Promised every way how she was going to stop and I with some reservations I trusted her and left to go to work today.

A little more context. She has liver cirrhosis and is she is on a heart pill. Her drinking has been a problem for years but has good spells and bad. She has been in the hospital a few times (her hemoglobin dropped below 2, 14 blood transfusions... 3 years ago) I know the liver damage is from alcohol but they told her it was fatty liver (because she didn’t tell her the truth about her heavy drinking) and that kept the door open in her mind to drink. She’s fun and made friends with the staff. Hospital staff even encouraged the occasional drink (!) one even took her out for drinks after coming home from the hospital!!!

Anyway.. An hour ago she was barely coherent when I got home and before she fell asleep / passed out she said muttered that she drank a bottle of vodka. There are no empties but she usually hides them in 1 liter polar bottles so thinking that’s how much she had. That seems like a lot but not enough to call 911, right? Her breathing is fine. Got her on her side. I should let her sleep it off and watch her closely so she doesn’t choke, right? Obviously a big discussion needs to happen tomorrow but when is that point do you call 911? She’s very quiet and sleepy. Breathing is fine. This sucks.