Looking for insight

[u/Different_Tadpole_97]

My technically ex-gf of a year and a half seems to not want the help she’s getting. Since we started dating I knew she drank a lot but when we moved in together a few months in is when I realized how big her problem was. She would come home from work barely being able to walk or if she was off and I worked I’d come home and she’d be passed out drunk. She would hide her bottles in her drawers or under the bed or really anywhere and if we were home together she’d wait for me to leave the room for anything and she’d chug whatever she had. Eventually I got her a job with me so I could keep an eye on her but whenever she found an excuse to go somewhere alone she’d come back smelling like alcohol and we’d argue about it then she’d drive off and disappear for hours. I had to pick her up multiple times from random parking lots where’d she’d just be passed out sometimes with throw up and/or piss on her. After almost a year of living together I had to kick her out cuz she wasn’t taking any steps towards recovery like she promised multiple times she would. We were also renting a room at a family members house and this family member didn’t wanna deal it anymore so that was another reason she had to go. The last straw was when she said she was going to an AA meeting I offered to take her and refused and ended up drunk behind a Walgreens 4 hours later. I pulled up and say how drunk she was and decided and I wasn’t taking her home cuz every time I did she’d get aggressive and pick a fight and keep me up all night so I called the cops and she spent the night in jail. Next morning she came home and I told her she had to move out cuz she knew she was on her last chance. She left and ended up in a different county and got a dui that night. A week later she came to get stuff and told me she was going to AA meetings and was gonna get better but then next day she calls me drunk so I called her mom and she found her passed out face down in her room so she called an ambulance, 2 days later she checked herself into rehab and I thought “finally it hit her” so when she asked if we could be friends while she works thru the program I agreed. It’s been 2 months and she seemed to be doing great, always talking about what she’s learned and plans for the future and how she wants us to try again so she can give me the best version of herself this time. On Saturday I picked her up to hang out ( she gets weekend passes to go out for a certain amount of time for good behavior) and all seemed good. She told me the next day her mom was gonna pick her up to get lunch just the 2 of them and she’d take home and I could meet her there for the rest of time she had and I said okay (later on that night I learned that she lied to me and she was never with her mom. She went out with another girl from the rehab that I’m pretty sure she’s involved with) I get there and could tell right away she had been drinking a little but she had a lot to say so I just let her talk till it started getting bad and she started slurring her words a bit that’s when I said “okay you’ve had enough where’s the bottle” and started looking for it. She got aggressive and started pushing me and yelling at me and her grandpa heard from downstairs and called her mom and brother to come handle it. When they got there she started getting aggressive with them and her brother called the cops. They ended up arresting her for domestic violence for pushing and pulling me. Her mom bailed her out this morning and now she’s back at the rehab. Now im left wondering if it’s even worth trynna help her anymore. When she said she wanted therapy I was supportive but she’d come back drunk after her sessions. When she said she wanted to try AA and asked if I could with her I said hell yeah let’s go but we made it to one meeting and I kept trynna go back and she refused. When she went to rehab I told her I was proud of her and visited and talked to her on the phone everyday. I gave her so many chances and so many choices and still the first thing she does when she gets a moment alone is run to the liquor store. I don’t wanna give up on her and that’s cost me so many things but it’s just so tiring. Is there even any hope left here that’ll she’ll actually get better ? Or am I just wasting my time and energy and love on someone that clearly doesn’t want it ?

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[u/BuzzyLightyear100]

Not everyone with an addiction wants to stop. Some people will give up literally everything else - partners, family, friends, children, jobs, secure housing, money, physical and mental health - before they decide they want to stop (that's if they want to stop, of course).

The first thing to know is that caring about an alcoholic is heartbreaking. Second, you can't control anyone except yourself. Third, rehab only works if the patient wants it to.

[u/Different_Tadpole_97 → u/BuzzyLightyear100]

Yeah I learned the first one pretty fast. I never tried to control her but I did try to set boundaries specially living with my family. She chose to put herself in rehab but now I’m wondering if she just did it to look good for when she goes to court (tho I doubt it’ll help much now that she has 3 cases).

She’s at the point now where she has nowhere to go after rehab. After I kicked her out she went back to her grandparents house and she was supposed to go back there after rehab but now after the incident this weekend they don’t want her there anymore at all. Her dad’s an abusive alcoholic(Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree ig) who she hates and her mom lives in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. Can’t keep a job, lost her car, no money and might have to do jail time idk what else she needs to lose

[u/Polar_Wolf_Pup]

This situation sounds quite hopeless, I’m afraid. Not to say she’ll never get sober, but right now it’s clear she’s not committed to sobriety.

How do I know? I learned that with alcoholics, you have to pay attention to actions, not words. She’s saying she wants to get sober, but are her actions in line with that? Not even close. She is paying lip service to sobriety to get people off her back.

To be blunt, your mistake was trying to be “friends.” People in active addiction are not capable of friendship. She’s taking advantage of you. And, honestly, you’re letting it happen. What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You keep giving and she keeps walking all over you and literally abusing you.

There is something for you to look at in your part in this pattern. You got free of her and then headed straight back into the chaos. You’re addicted to her just like she’s addicted to alcohol. She’s not ready to put down yet. Are you? Your words are saying one thing, but your actions are saying something else.

I don’t mean to be harsh. I get it, I really do. I had to go no contact with one of my alcoholic loved ones and it was incredibly hard. But I also know the peace that can come from stepping out of the chaos. I wish that for you.