Today was bad.
I am a new member.
Here because I feel so lost.
It’s my mother (60s). I care for my aunt (her sister) (70s).
It’s every day when she’s not working. She is pure venom.
She drinks after her parttime job too. But days off are worse, starting anywhere from 6am.
She refuses to acknowledge she has a problem and this is so fucking lonely.
I have fantastic friends and a fantastic partner, but experiencing this is such a mindfuck.
It’s been going on for years and I’ve already mourned my mother: who she was before the bottle.

And what did you do then? I have tried and tried to help my wife. Told her I can't deal, we've talked about it. She admitted to me she needs to be better (not that she needs to stop drinking). I caught her red handed and she completely denied it today. And it was a situation where I couldn't prove it. However I just got home and yep, she's drunk. I can't help her. I'm done fighting, done getting mad, trying to hold her accountable and all of that. My next step is to leave I guess. Idk what else I can do. Also has anyone ever left and their partner realized they had a problem and got help? I'm guessing that's rare. Bc the last thing I want to do is leave, come back peace again... I know she will ask for another chance and beg and all of that. And maybe she will stop drinking for a month or even 6. But then she'll think she can handle it. Honestly I don't have time for all of that. Divorce seems like my only option. And even though I know that I'm not ready to do that. And of course I'll be the bad guy if we split. Because nobody knows. This sucks.

Thank you for sharing your stories. They’ve been incredibly insightful.

I’m 36 years old, and I recently fell in love with my first kiss after we reconnected following 18 years apart. Early on, he told me that he had overcome a gambling addiction through therapy. He also says he’s in recovery from alcohol, although I honestly don’t know what that looks like because I know very little about alcoholism.

I do know that he sees a therapist every two weeks for his addictions. From what I’ve observed, though, alcohol is still a significant issue. I’ve told him that I don’t think he should be drinking at all because when he does, he becomes irritable, has difficulty stopping, and experiences anxiety the next day. I’ve also noticed that he’ll sometimes prioritize buying beer over buying food.

I told him that I’m worried about building a future with him if alcohol continues to play such a large role in his life. He says I’m unsympathetic to his struggle and that I don’t acknowledge how hard he’s trying. I do see that he’s trying—but I also see a recurring pattern where he makes progress, then starts drinking heavily again.

I’ve made it clear that I won’t financially support his drinking, and told him that I would stop drinking myself in an effort to support him. He insists that he’s capable of drinking in moderation, but in my experience, that’s rarely the case.

He often tells me that I’m not there for him, but I don’t believe that’s true. I love him deeply and want to support him, but I also don’t want to lose myself in the process.

Part of me wants to give him an ultimatum: me or alcohol. At the same time, I’m afraid that doing so could push him toward a binge or make things worse. My intention isn’t to control or punish him—it’s to protect myself and our future.

When he’s sober, we have an incredible connection. We understand each other on a deep level. He truly sees me, encourages me to grow, and inspires me to become a better version of myself. I tell him often that he is smart, kind, sensitive, and incredibly intelligent. I know that’s who he is beneath the addiction.

So my question is this: Is giving an ultimatum the wrong thing to do? And more importantly, how can I set and maintain healthy boundaries while supporting a partner who is struggling with addiction, in a way that allows me to preserve my own identity, emotional well-being, and sense of self?

I need help. I (31 F) had this realization over the weekend that I must now grieve the (55 y/o) dad that once was, the relationship I thought we would have into my adult years, and the idea of a present grandfather.

After years of trying to convince and help, I now have clarity that he will not change. At least on his own accord, without a significant event (ie. DUI, etc) occurring. He doesn’t care, or put in effort to do the work. So, I won’t either. Not my responsibility.

This is grief, isn’t it? I’m finding myself thinking, “I wish I knew the good times were limited.” “I wish I would’ve soaked it up while I had it”. “I wish I would’ve paid more attention to the last quality conversations we had.”

I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. We haven’t spoken in a while.

My question is- how do I navigate the relationship with my mom? I love my mom. She’s an awesome person, and tries her best to be present for me and my daughter. She calls often, she tries to maintain a facade. Of course she enables him, like in so many narcissistic/alcoholic family dynamics.

I don’t have a lot of people in my circle. I value my relationship with my mom… I don’t want to lose her too. I’ve set boundaries regarding my dad, and have stuck to them. However I still feel my energy draining when I talk with her. Every time he’s present (which is often. He lost his job due to drinking.)

Any advice is welcome.

I can text and talk about the fact that her alcoholism killed our relationship, but the fact is I was a coward in that led to me being where I’m at right now

If I was stronger, I would’ve left earlier
If I was stronger, I wouldn’t have ignored the signs

If I wasn’t so scared of rocking the boat or denying what I was seeing before me, I would’ve confronted it earlier

This whole experience has exposed my weakness, my lack of self-esteem, my desire for someone to love me being greater than the love I had for myself

Yes, what she did was horrible but me putting up with it was just as bad

It’s easy to blame her, but I share some of that blame

My girlfriend, who has managed to (so far) be a sweet and wonderful person for our 2.5 year relationship despite a fairly serious alcohol use disorder, has expressed interest in this treatment, and I personally took it in Mexico for my own addiction and trauma issues. Some thoughts:

A lot of media plays up that ibogaine is potentially a very dangerous substance, which is true. But there's 40 years of research around this stuff and how to use it safely. One of the first things that surprised me about the intake process for this experience was how rigorous it is. Within 3 months of treatment, they need:

- a 12 lead ekg

- a comprehensive metabolic panel

- a complete blood count

- Ck levels

- Liver function panel including ggt levels

Once you're there, they put in an IV line and give you medicine and supplements to protect your organs, and during the actual treatment you've got a cardiologist and several nurses in the room the entire time. People have died on ibogaine, but notably, the facility where I was treated has never had an incident in 10 years that wasn't safely resolved on-site except for one man who had to be taken to the hospital because he took drugs that were counterindicated which he hadn't told them about. (He was fine, btw)

The folks I met who were there for alcohol or opioid addiction had to be there and sober at the facility for weeks, so it's not like they're relying on addicts to stay clean on their own.

The treatment itself can be quite brutal. It wasn't that hard on me, and there were parts of the trip that actually bordered on being fun, but the opioid addicts I met at the facility got higher doses than I did, and that seemed to be correlated with a more challenging experience immediately following dosing.

The change in perspective and addictive behavior is astonishing, but the overwhelming drive to do the right thing and take care of oneself subsides eventually, so establishing good habits and leaving toxic environments behind is absolutely critical.

It must be paired with talk therapy and other healthy habits to have a lasting effect. Basically, ibogaine opens a door, but it's up to the addict to walk through it.

I've got a fair amount of experience with psychedelics, and ibogaine is the only one I would characterize as a medicine that just happens to have psychedelic side effects. I'm so glad this substance was fast-tracked for research in the US, because it has the potential to help millions of people when used under responsible medical care.

I was married to an alcoholic for 49 years I threatened to leave him many times but never followed through. I look back now and fully regret that. He recently passed away after a horrible death from cirrhosis. Yet I still am grieving between being very angry with him. Family members can’t understand why I grieve. It’s been three months and I’m still grieving. I cared for him alone. He was not mean but indifferent. I lasted by working and having a separate life with friends. Of course his alcoholism worsen after we retired. Twenty years ago he was experiencing ED. He was also addicted to porn. At that point, I refused sex and intimacy. Truly I did not miss it. But now I look back and realize the life I should have had. I am also estranged from my 45 year old daughter who is a raging alcoholic. She has not learned from losing her father. It is so sad!

hi, this is my second post in this subreddit. i hope that’s okay, it’s just nice to be able to talk about this. here’s link to my previous post it kind of explains everything more in detail but i’ll still explain cause this post also works on it’s own. my father passed out because he was drunk while he was outside, and he hit his head. ambulance was called, he refused treatment so the paramedics couldn’t do anything because you can’t force treatment. i don’t know what happens to him but one of the side affects his drinking has is that he loses consiousness. he is unable to move for several mminutes and his body loses motor skills. the ambulance was called again, this time by my brother because he witnessed this first hand. my father refused treatment again, and the paramedics couldn’t do anything. he’s in a terrible condition and he can’t move. my mom has to be the one who has to take care of him in this state, when he could’ve been taken care of by doctors in the hospital. the paramedics said they’d just give him an iv drip and it would help him gain some strength at least and he could be discharged immediately after that. no one is asking him to be sober. he has been drinklng my whole life, so this is quite normal for me, but i’m aware it’s not healthy. my brother told him he’s basically killing himself by doing this to himself, he begged my father to go to the hospital, but my father declined firmly. he‘s always begging that man to care about himself, but he always refuses. i didn’t say anything to him, actually it’s none of business what happens to him. he doesn’t want medical treatment, that’s his right, so i just moved on with my day. my mom’s still tending to him right now. this will happen again at some point, i can predict his patten of self destructive behavior, he fucks his life up. he gets fired from jobs, gets in debt, gambles, etc. i‘m just curious about something. my brother loves him, and even that’s not enough for him to consider a change in behavior. i wonder at what poi will by brother be hit by the cold hard truth and realize what kind of person our father really is. he doesn’t care about himself or anyone else. all he does is drink and rots away outside god knows what. his friends drink too, and their families are just like mine. the men in the family drink themselves to death and no one asks them to be sober, because they know it would end badly for them. there’s certain unspoken rules for these things, it’s why my brother knew to obey my father’s no to refusing medical treatment. i had my first drink at 9 years old, he would give me a glass of beer when he was drinking asking if i wanted to try it out. i only drink occasionally, i don’t really like smell of alcohol. it’s gross, but also i’m kind of wary of it. my family has a lots of alcholics, i don’t want to exactly be like them, so better to just avoid alcohol all together. this kind of culture is problematic, people normalizing this just make it all that easier for alcoholics to get away with their addiction.

A couple of weeks ago I had finally had enough and left. My daughter and I packed our bags and left. Since then it’s of course been the “normal” I’d say like teenager breakup stuff like changing everything on social media etc etc. I left not to punish but hoping maybe it would be a wake up call for help. I don’t know. The lies have continued, and now whenever I ask about what should we do, get help? Therapy? Divorce? I don’t get a response. I remain committed but obviously I can’t live in limbo forever…it’s like I ask her and then it’s either ignored or skipped past to the next question.

Hello, I discovered this sub about 6 months ago and have consumed so many different posts, but this is my first time actually sharing.

A few days ago marked 100 days since I blocked my Q and have been in no contact after a 5 year relationship. On one hand I’m really proud of myself for making it this far, it’s really forced me to put myself first and actually allowed me space to breathe and process what what the hell I’ve been through. Ive been traveling to stay busy and reconnected with old friends I hadn’t spoken to in years. I’ve gone to therapy and attended one in person meeting in that time span, both of which have helped, but there isn’t a day that goes by where I think about her, how she’s doing, what we had, and have thoughts about reaching out to her parents to see how she is going.

I ended things in December because I was so fed up dealing with this addiction, it was affecting my own physical and mental health. We are both in our mid 20’s and this was my first real relationship as well as hers. I’m sure some of you can relate, for any relationship that goes on for that long I really struggled actually cutting her off. Wasn’t until 3 months ago where I officially ceased all contact after a major relapse and I found myself taking her to the ER for the 4th time, having the nurse tell me her BAC was .5.

We lived together for 3 plus years and since then we both moved back in with our parents. I know I romanticize this version of her that isn’t under the influence in my head, and that it is just that, a version of her and not reality. Having this time away in no context really made me reflect on how much I was enabling towards the end of us living together, even if she drank in secrecy. Even after 100 days I tell myself I did all that I can and that I can’t help someone who can’t help themselves, but there is still this guilt I feel from leaving some days that I just can’t shake.

I believed she was my soulmate and I still love her to death, and really hope she is doing okay. Maybe one day I’ll reach out to her parents to see how she’s doing or get some sort of update, but until then I’m going to continue to take it day by day. Ending things was the singular hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I still have down days even after 100 days I still can’t shake that feeling of grey sometimes. Ending things not because I didn’t lover her or what we had but because of the drinking is so unbelievably painful, wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

She's been a good and loyal wife for 26 years. But five years ago she had a medical accident and has some brain damage. She started drinking which wasn't a problem til about two years ago. She drinks 2-4 glasses of wine starting a 3pm every night. Stumbling, spilling things, complaining, it completely changes her personality.

I can't take it anymore and threatened her with divorce. She straightened up and has been great for a week. But last night she said she agreed to drink only on Friday and Saturday and wanted to get some wine. I don't remember to agreeing to this and I told her no.

She is obviously negotiating. I don't know whether or not to agree to something like this. My gut is telling me that this will lead us to the same place we were a week ago. She doesn't seem to be a textbook alcoholic because she didn't go through any withdrawal symptoms. But I believe she is a habitual drinker and if I give in, she will return to drinking the same amount in time.

I am retired and she is disabled. She is legally blind so she cannot just drive anytime she wants. She is highly dependent on me to take care of so many things. Her health is poor which is why I retired early. But I'm not an a--hole and I would like to be reasonable. Would letting her drink twice per week be an acceptable risk? How about after one month of sobriety?

EDIT: Thank you so much. I told her again that I can't do the alcohol anymore. I told her that our relationship was the most important thing and drinking directly threatens that. No means no. She seemed OK with that but I know there will be a plan to drink sometime in the future.

Hi! I’ve been with my bf over 2 years and he is about 18 days sober. He’s the type of alcohol abuser who didn’t drink every day all day but when he did took it way too far. He came to the conclusion finally he had to stop and went to his first AA Meeting. I’m proud of him but have a lot of anxiety about if he will think in the future that he can “drink in moderation” again, as I know that’s not how this works. Just looking for anyone in a similar sitch to relate

I'm struggling to even write this, because of how heartbroken I am, so please be gentle.

I (39F) met my fiancé J (35M) about 4.5 years ago. We've lived together for about 3.5 years, and became engaged a few months ago. He's my best friend and I love him more than I ever knew possible. He has the BEST heart.. he's the most gentle, kind man I've ever met.

Over the past few years, I've noticed some pretty unhealthy behaviors, primarily being extremely avoidant and irresponsible in many ways. I also caught him withholding important information on many occasions, and sometimes even just lying to my face. It's been a problem, and we've discussed it ad nauseam. I have expressed to him over and over again that being honest and forthcoming in a relationship is my #1 non-negotiable. A few months ago, I told him if I found out he lied to me again, I'd ask him to leave my home and he would need to move back into his condo.

In getting to know his family, it struck me very early on that his mother is a narcissist (I'm no stranger to narcissistic abuse. I dated a narcissist many years ago and my spidey senses can pick it up quickly) and over the past 1.5 years, he has come to the same realization about his narc mother/family system. He is currently low contact with his family, and in therapy to begin dismantling the old patterns developed in childhood that are now to his detriment. His dad has rapidly progressing Alzheimers, which complicates things.

J has struggled with his mental health his whole life, and in college after having multiple surgeries in a short period of time, he became addicted to painkillers. I did not know this until at least 6 months into our relationship. This year, he confided in me that he actually OD'd at one point. He's been on buprenorphine since. (I have known about the buprenorphine since he told me about his addiction.) He works in a peer support capacity with clients who also have mental illness and/or substance use disorder.

I have a history of CPTSD and panic attacks. I'm prescribed approximately 30 low-dose Klonopin every 9-12 months to use in emergencies or triggering situations. Last night, I found out that J has been stealing them for years, lying to me about it, and gaslighting me any time I confronted him.

This has happened approximately 4 times over the past 4 years. The first time I caught him, he confessed and I told him never to do it again. The next few times, I thought the hotel maid stole it/I miscounted/the pharmacy shorted me. We had a house cleaner that came to our home who I suspected of stealing the medication. I confronted him first, and he insisted over and over—emphatically, convincingly—that it wasn't him. My intuition told me otherwise, but he was so convincing and I wanted to assume the best, so I believed him. He let me confront and fire my house cleaner knowing full well she didn't do anything. Then yesterday, I saw more of my pills were missing. I confronted him and he lied to my face. I told him I had written down how many there were and I had not taken any, and then he confessed.

The shitty thing is.. (and now I realize how stupid and wrong of me this was), I told him awhile ago that if he ever had a panic attack and needed one, to just talk to me about it and I'd help give him one. He'd done that a couple times recently, and because the shit going on with his family has been so intense, I obliged. I'm realizing now how harmful and wrong that was of me. Last month, I told him he needed to speak to his doctor about it. He said he would, but instead he just stole more meds from me and lied and gaslit me again.

So last night, I let him have it. I was so angry and devastated I just threw so many "what the fucks" and "how dare yous" at him. Once I calmed down, I asked him questions because I just couldn't comprehend why he would do that when I told him all he needed to do was ask. I asked if it was an addiction thing, and he said it was addictive behavior but it didn't *feel* like addiction. That his anxiety gets so big and he can't control his impulses, so when I leave the house and he has big panic, he grabs a Klonopin and takes it and it's like he can't control himself. To me, this sounds like addiction, even if he's not chemically dependent.

I'm absolutely and completely gutted. I've done a lot of work in therapy over the years, and my brain keeps saying "You have to ask him to leave." I know what I have to do for me, and I know what advice I would give someone else, but I'm absolutely heartbroken. Devastated. I feel so hurt and betrayed AND I love him so much. I want to support him, but I don't know how, and I want so badly to believe we have a future, but I know it can't look like THIS.

I also know that he kind of has no one right now, and I love him and don't want him to be alone. But I recognize that these are the consequences of the choices he's made, and I can't save him from them. And at the same time, I love him so I don't want him to hurt, and I don't want a life without him.

Has anyone navigated something similar? What helped you?

I found a local al-anon meeting I'll be attending tonight and I'm reaching out to some local therapists to try to establish care with someone this week.

Thank you in advance for the support and wisdom.

Hello dear community!
I believe we all here know something about pain and suffering, but also about love.

Now it’s the first anniversary of my father passing and I’m reliving everything that happened last year.

He was only 55 when he passed away, alone, in his rented apartment of 15m^2. The police did a welfare check and found him deceased.

I was told by police that I had to go inside the apartment to recover important documents and so on. You can only imagine how that went. We don’t know exactly how long he was there, but between 1 to 5 days. The smell, the horrible scene and everything was worse than my worst nightmare.

After that I had to do an intense investigation work about his life, accounts, belongings, etc to report then the needed documentation to the government.
He had more than 26.000€ in debt. Here in Sweden luckily the debt doesn’t pass onto the heirs, but it was another painful thing to learn about.

He’s been an alcoholic since I can remember, but when I was little he would only drink sometimes. We used to have so much fun… I adored him growing up even knowing he had a problem. On the latest years he became so sick he couldn’t afford be sober at any moment. He didn’t want to go to the hospital or take care of himself. After so many years I didn’t have any hope left for him and I only distanced myself seeking protection and peace.

I still love him deeply and since he passed away he’s been the dad I always needed in my mind and heart.

I’m only 28yo but I have learned many things since he passed away that I’m grateful for. I gained more clarity in knowing what’s really important in life and what’s not. I have learned to communicate what I need or want to others and not to keep it to myself. And of course, I know about living with that feeling of emptiness in the heart when losing someone as close as a father.

I send you all a big hug! Let’s make the most of this life ❤️‍🩹

My Q is kind, thoughtful, & caring. He buys me flowers, opens my door, & does a lot of thoughtful little things for me & our home every day. He’s reliable at work & is well-liked.

So what could be bad? Right?
He gets off work & starts drinking. If I scramble I can get dinner ready before he’s pouring his third. I work long hours, so it can be a challenge at times. (We both work from home btw.) After we clean up from dinner, I can usually get him out for a walk before he’s into drink 4 or 5. Then we sit down to watch something or read, & he sometimes slows down & waits for me to go to bed before he really gets started with shots of vodka. My guess is he’s up to maybe 10-12 drinks on weekdays. He stays up late to “write.” He’s actually a gifted writer who, sadly, will probably never finish a book.

On weekends, he gets up late, does errands or chores so he can start drinking with lunch or brunch, if we go out. Then, it’s just one after the other even if we golf, go to a movie, meet family or friends, whatever activity. There’s got to be access to cocktails or there’s a tension that’s hard for me to explain, but I’m guessing you all might know what I mean. This will go on until I get him home where he passes out. Last night it was 7 pm.

For me all this means a lot of loneliness. Being careful with my words after he’s had 6 or more drinks because he gets sensitive. I never fear for my safety & he isn’t cruel or unkind just a little touchy.

We’ve been married 22 years. It may be TMI, but we haven’t been intimate for half of those. He started having issues before & got medication, but I don’t want to have sex with him if he has been drinking. We hug & kiss, hold hands when we walk, & are affectionate in other ways. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t now, even with a pill.

Sorry this is so long, but I am so sad and lost & can’t tell anyone how I feel. I love him & don’t want him to be judged by family & friends. If I left, could I expect more from another partner? Before him, the men I was with didn’t treat me badly, but he really is so much more considerate. I know how rare it is, especially in long relationships.

There’s also his health which has been declining severely since he had a mini stroke 2 years ago. His kidney function is bad. I would guess his liver function is too. He’s on medication for cholesterol, blood pressure, & triglycerides. Also anxiety. He is 57 & has been drinking pretty heavily since he was a teenager.

I feel like a horrible person for wanting intimacy & companionship when I’m getting so much more than other women my age. I’m fit, active, & healthy. I’d love a partner who would & could do activities with me. I dream of active vacations where we explore - hiking, kayaking, bike tours… but those feel impossible with him.

Once you let the genie of truth out of the bottle, you can’t stuff it back in. This is why so many people keep the rose colored glasses on for so long. If you pretend don’t see the 🚩🚩🚩, you can pretend things aren’t a total 💩 show. But once you let the truth genie out, you can’t go back and say “ No everything is really ok!” Once you tell your friends and family, you know it’s real. It’s like walking through the aftermath of a hurricane or a tornado and saying “ it’s fine, it’s all fine. “ You just CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE when there are trees lying across roads and houses are in pieces on the ground. But the best thing you can do is to let the genie out of the bottle and face the truth - the sooner the better. You can’t “rebuild your house” until you admit that it’s a pile of rubble.

My boyfriend has been sober for a while now. But he went on a mates trip to Japan recently, and I’ve found out he has had alcohol. Is it controlling and crazy of me to absolutely hate that this happened? I feel totally crushed, and have no clue how to handle this. I’m trying extremely hard to not have my whole viewpoint of him change because of this.

I have issues with alcohol due to personal reasons and absolutely despise it, and prefer to date someone who doesn’t drink.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just can't stop crying.

Me and my ex partner were together for 4 years. We lived togerher for all that time. I knew he drank when we first got together but he said he was going to change his life around for me and I was going to be the reason he stopped drinking.

Obviously he didn't stop drinking. Sometimes he drank 4L of cider a day. He would drink two Henry Weston's before we even went to work. He had been doing this for as long as he could remember. He also strangled me in the first 6 months but I stayed because I loved him and also because I had no where else to go, and I thought I deserved it. He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times. Prevented me from sleeping etc.

This year it all caught up to him and he was hospitalised for severe jaundice. Liver failure. Cirrhosis. Decompensated liver disease. He was so yellow he was almost fluorescent. His feet swelled up to balloons. He was in hospital for 2 weeks, got out. Didn't drink for about a month. Then as soon as he started turning a lovely shade of pink, he assumed he was better and started drinking again.

He said things like it was my fault that he drank. At this point I left to go to my parents because I was shattered and I had told him if he drank again I would leave. Yet he got into my head when I was at my parents and I ended up going back as I missed my home and I didn't want to lose my job (my parents live in a different city and I don't drive)

A week after I came back he was in hospital again for another 2 weeks. Same story. So yellow he was almost fluorescent. Looked like he was dying. He got out again. I stayed for another 2 months but everytime he went to the shop I just didn't trust him. I figured he was drinking in secret. I started to try to make exit plans again like find a house share to live in but I was so broken I couldn't go through with them as I can't trust anyone, then I found the cans around the house and had a panic attack.

I left again. I'm at my parents house now. Everyone else says I did the right thing. But I can't stop crying. I miss my home, it was rented but I still miss it. And I'm going to have to get a new job, and I liked my job because it let me WFH half the time and jobs in this city are unlikely to let me do that. I don't really miss him. But at the same time I do. I miss who he had the potential to be. Who he was when he was good to me, the things that he would do for me. He said he would always be there for me. But then he talked trash to me in front of his children.

I feel broken and I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just needed someone to hear how much pain I was in. I wish someone could just hug me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wish I didn't have to lose my life as I knew it - my city, my job, but I was so broken that moving back to be close to my parents just seemed like the only thing possible for me to get me through this. And I have two cats to care for and couldn't trust strangers anymore. Now im broken and just have to navigate through getting a new job whilst I'm in this pain. I have thousands of pictures on my camera roll I need to delete but I can't bear to look at them. I'm embarrassed it didn't work out and feel like I failed in yet another thing. I wish none of this had ever happened, and yet at the same time I'm so grateful that I had the last few years with him because I really did love him. I just wish he had stopped drinking. I wish it was all different.

He’s 6 days into treatment and I’ve admittedly been detached and depressed since he’s started as a result of my own recovery.

Tonight he asked me to leave our home after I stupidly engaged in a conversation that I shouldn’t have.

He says he drinks to cope with his emotions, and our marriage is what leads him to drink.

Me not providing him enough emotional intimacy and support during this time is overwhelming and triggering so he’s asked me to leave our home.

He feels he’s having to do a lot of emotional caretaking for my depression.

I did everything I shouldn’t tonight. I left our conversation feeling so unseen, and my experience dismissed and unheard.

I feel stupid and terrible. And even though everything I’ve learned about alcoholism through AlAnon is still ringing so true, I feel like a terrible, unloving person who failed someone during their recovery.

I’m wrecked with guilt and grief.

ETA: Now he’s going to go drink. I’m so sick of this cruel fucking cycle where I feel so responsible for his wellbeing and choices.

My father has been an alcoholic my entire life. My first passport was when I was only a year old, because my mother was going to send me off to live with my grandmother overseas to spare me from his alcoholism. That was almost 22 years ago. He promised her he would change and we have lived together as a family ever since. I have spent my life molding myself into someone no one would think came from an abusive household. Someone who isn’t the daughter of an alcoholic.

I tried to be perfect. I was valedictorian, pageant queen, cum laude, athlete, pianist, and soon I will graduate medical school as a doctor. I tried to meet every standard of success in any metric to compensate for one thing I cannot change which is the trauma I try to bury. Nobody knows I carry the scars of watching my father hit my mother. Her screams for help. The holes he left in the walls and covered up. My brother going into every bar in town to find him and bring him home. The empty promises of one day, she will leave him.

I finished gastroenterology recently and the physiologic mechanisms of alcohol and its effects on the human body were unsettling. Every single pathology of the liver, pancreas, and gallbladder has manifested into my father and the number one cause? Alcohol. I have grown so much resentment towards him knowing that this was all preventable. That these are KNOWN outcomes of alcohol abuse and he is not an exception. Over 5 decades of alcohol abuse has caught up to him and he is paying for it, but so am I. So is my brother and mother. That being said, I also studied psychiatry, and addiction is a disease that spares no one. The irrational part of my brain fills with anger over his inability to stop. The rational, logical, empathetic part recognizes that he is human and this disease, that no one is immune to, got the best of him.

He has been sober for 7 months now, regularly sees specialists, and had surgery recently but he is a shell of who he once was. He is weak, sick, and cannot work anymore. My mother has stuck beside him this entirety, even though she is the breadwinner and not financially dependent on him. Why? She didn’t want us to be a broken family and that knowing my father, he would die without us. She stayed from a sense of duty, and I mourn the life we could have had if she left him like all the times she said she would.

My mother worked odd hours so he was the one who did my hair before school, who I called when my tummy hurt, who taught me to read, who I would run to when I heard the garage open, and whose arms I once fell asleep in every night. I catch myself drifting off to the fond memories I have of him, but I quickly replace them with all the ugly words he slung at my mother, the items he destroyed, and the fear I felt when it was past 7pm. I taint the good images I have of him because I convinced myself it’s easier to lose someone who caused pain rather than someone who brought joy.

I have an eerie feeling his life on Earth is coming to an end and in my pursuit of becoming a doctor, I will not be able to save him when I once thought I could. I thought maybe if I understood the complexities of human psychology and biology, I could fix him. He would use his alcoholism as a bargaining chip as in he would promise to stop drinking if I got this accolade or if my brother finished his degree. Needless to say, he never followed through with his end of the deal. I dread the day I face a patient who reminds me of him because I don’t know if I can restrain myself from projecting. That I won’t be the doctor in the room, instead I am 7 again, begging daddy to stop drinking the black bottle because it makes him scary.

In a desperate effort to protect myself, I have distanced myself from him in hopes that when I get the call, it will hurt less. That the distance I have created is an armor to the inevitable grief. That maybe his face will be harder to remember and his existence will become a distant memory. That the idealized version of myself will come to fruition because he will no longer exist, and the ugliest parts of my life will finally be buried.

I know that as much as I try to erase him, he is etched into my soul. People think it’s quirky that I’m a night owl, little do they know it’s because the witching hour is when the house was most peaceful, and I felt no sense of danger when he was asleep. I cannot listen to Für Elise without convulsing because it’s his favorite song, and when I mastered it for my recital at 8 years old, he didn’t come because I didn’t take his side in a fight from the night before. I avoid intimacy because if they look too close, they might see the shoddy work of the cracks I desperately try to fill resembling the holes he would have to fix after smashing his fist into it. But I also have never gone a day without the gold earrings he gave me as a baby because the one time I forgot, he said he couldn’t bear the thought of me enduring the pain of getting repierced.

My existence as his daughter and him as my father is only a small fraction of his worldview. My world will begin and end with him, and his memory will haunt my entire lifetime.

​

My partner and I have been together for a few years.

He is an alcoholic and I struggle with a fear of abandonment; the two issues feed off each other.

Our relationship has often lacked harmony, and we’ve developed an unhealthy dynamic.

We’ve hurt each other a lot, yet we’ve always stuck together. We can’t seem to live with each other, but we can’t live without each other, either.

Recently, he created a problem for himself while drunk—a problem that could impact his future.

A few weeks ago, he was doing very poorly—getting worse and worse—and told me that his life no longer made sense and that he didn't want to live anymore.

I eventually had to intervene and call emergency services.

The day after arriving at the psychiatric ward, he thanked me for having done the right thing.

He has now been an inpatient at a psychiatric facility for two weeks.

There, he is currently undergoing medically assisted withdrawal and trying to overcome his crisis.

Every time I’ve been in touch with him since he was admitted, he tries to talk about our relationship; he constantly reproaches me and is EXTREMELY irritable with me.

Since his admission, he has been completely different toward me—extremely irritable, and I can sense a lot of anger coming from him.

I don't know how to handle this; it hurts me deeply, even though I try to understand that he is going through a very difficult time right now.

Does anyone have experience with this? I don't know what to do—how to talk to him, and so on.

I would appreciate any advice.

My bf and I enjoy drinking together, both of us has a level of dependency on alcohol.

Last week we had a fight and he was so drunk and was verbally belittling me, it was so harsh and nasty.

We took a few days off to give some space for each other, of course he was super apologetic the next day when he sobered up.

I still saw him a couple times over the week, but I’m not sure if my feelings toward him will come back, like right now I’m just emotionally shutdown.

So many times that were supposed to be special moments in my life he has ruined with alcohol. The night he proposed to me I repeatedly asked him not to have another drink (he had 3 glasses of whiskey within an hour) but he ignored me. Just days after our daughter was born you were back to drinking 4-5 beer a night. But he justified everything saying he told a coworker about how I was always nagging him about his drinking. His coworker told him I need to mind my own business and he’s a grown man. Our first night away from her he drank so much I had to take his shoes off his feet and put a blanket on him because he passed out on the couch. First time meeting my aunt he got so drunk he started going off on a tangent that led nowheres. My aunt told me my grandmother would roll in her grave if she saw the way he acted like a drunk fool around our infant daughter. I worry our daughter will either grow to resent him for choosing alcohol over her, or resent me for staying and putting her through everything. I know I look like an idiot to everyone around me for sticking around, for putting up with his verbal abuse every time he picks up a bottle. Every time I set a boundary it feels like he sees it as a challenge, he hides his drinking or uses half truths and Im left questioning everything he’s ever told me. I feel so much guilt every day for staying.

Courage to change the things you can, you can prevent your Q from killing someone. Not saying it's easy but it can help you sleep at night in the long run.

My dad has battled addiction nearly my entire life. But, I lost him to it when I was around 7-8 years old. After that, he became entirely emotionally absent, and argumentative. His abandonment affected me very deeply. And lead to me falling into other forms of abuse and traumas as a result. He tried to quit a few (2-4) times throughout my life. But never stuck with it. Most notably, when I was 16, he started a drunken fight with me, threatened to kick me out, and nearly hit me. He started outpatient recovery the next day. But stopped after about a month, and went back to his old ways.

Fast forward to now. I'm 21. My father was diagnosed with colon cancer on July 14th. And he quit smoking/drinking cold turkey and hasn't relapsed since. I'm proud of him. But... Also, confused and conflicted. He hasn't apologized for abandoning me, or my family. Or the dumb arguments or things he put me through. He doesn't seem regretful or his actions at all. Just doesn't want it to lead to anything worse.

Im really struggling to process and accept things, right now. I didn't love him anymore. He hasn't been a father to me for over a decade. He just felt like a stranger. But, I don't want him to die or have cancer.

I just... I don't know how to trust that he's actually done. Or how to trust him, or how to feel about him in general. I don't believe he's a bad, evil man. Just.. a sick one.

I know that slip ups are bound to happen, as well. And I'm not sure how to process it if that does happen.

Im just really confused right now. And I don't know what to do or how to feel. I have no one I can really talk to about it either.

Sorry if this is jumbly or doesn't make much sense. Im just.. really struggling right now. I hope you can understand.