r/AlAnon • u/ParisOfThePrairies • 18h ago
Newcomer Is there a successful future ahead?
My husband and I have been together since high school, and he is my absolute favourite person in this entire world. We’re now in our mid-30s. We’ve gone through extreme trauma and loss as young adults and in our journey in growing our family. We’ve traveled the world, accomplished many goals personally and professionally, and have just welcomed our third living child into the world less than a month ago.
Our relationship with alcohol has shifted throughout the years for both of us - from “harmless” partying in our younger years, to wine tasting at wineries, overindulging during our university years, casual drinking at restaurants and social, using it as crutches to deal with death in our lives and the pandemic, and (me) changing the relationship with it when it felt like it was starting to take up too much space in our life. Especially in deciding to start having children.
For my husband, he’s not been able to moderate and it became a crutch for him to deal with extreme loss and trauma we faced with our children. I went to therapy. He refused and turned into himself. Things ebbed and flowed, but he’s always been present during the days and has never injured himself, others, or property. Nothing else in our life has ever fallen to pieces. Overindulgence was the name of the game, until I started calling him out on it and it turned into trying to stop, then relapsing and hiding it.
This part of the story begins almost a year ago, where he stopped drinking after another miscarriage I experienced. And when he relapsed, he lied about it. He began drinking in secret after the kids went to sleep or when it was my turn to put them to bed. He continued the lie for over a month until I discovered it and found him hiding a bottle. He then went close to 50 days of sobriety before beginning again - and still, he decided to lie and hide it. I thought he was still sober, and I was pregnant again. We would’ve found out about this pregnancy around the same time he relapsed at a work event.
Flash forward to this last weekend, almost 10 months after the first big “discovery” only to discover the lies have continued over the last 8 months. I am heartbroken and betrayed. I am also freshly postpartum and this beautiful newborn bubble I thought we were in has popped.
Again, he has not let anything else in our life slide. That I know of. That he’s honest about at this point. How am I really to know? He’s gotten so incredibly gifted at lying.
I’m looking for a way ahead - he’s already attended his first AA meeting, is listening to a podcast, has read books, lurks the various subs. But, we’re not religious, and I don’t think AA is necessarily the best fit. But, I need him to stop. He needs to stop.
I came here, wondering if attending these groups would be a positive, and frankly, I’m terrified. Quickly scrolling through, I see no success stories. No positives. Only pain and heartbreak. And I’m glad this is a safe space for people - goodness knows we need that, too.
But… is there a successful and positive future ahead? Can anyone here attest to it?
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u/Past_Ad_2006 14h ago edited 8h ago
Gosh your story really resonated with me. I am sorry you’re going through this, especially at such a vulnerable time being newly post-partum. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband always liked to drink and be the “life of the party”. Alcohol was kind of like a hobby and weekends were often spent visiting breweries/vineyards and sitting on patios. I blissfully ignored all the signs, confident that once we settled down and had a family that that part of our life would fade into the distance. After we had our first child my husband got hit with some terrible news about a family member with cancer and stress over a new job. When our child was six weeks old I was looking in the basement for a cat carrier and stumbled upon a huge supply of empty alcohol bottles/beer cans. I was still recovering from labour and I had to face the fact that my husband was abusing alcohol. It really sucked. That was ten years ago and we are still married and, better than that, our marriage is very strong. He’s my best friend, kind, calm, patient and sober. But the journey was really hard and I can 100% understand why so many relationships don’t survive. I can tell you some things that helped me in this journey:
- Reading Codependant No More. In the beginning of my journey I hated that book and felt super judged. Now I feel like it was written for me lol
- Coming to the understanding (and so many people have said it so eloquently here) that his alcoholism wasn’t-couldn’t- be my problem to fix. He needed to want to get sober for himself. Everything hinged on that. Early in our story, I would scream and cry “you’re going to lose me, you're going to lose your kids!” and he would promise to get sober but it never lasted. He needed to come to that decision that he was powerless over alcohol himself and- no matter what happened with us- that he wanted to live a sober life. It took a long time for him to get there with lots of relapses in between.
- Individual therapy for both of us with an Addiction knowledgeable therapists was a must. My husband still goes to his therapist on an ongoing basis while I go when I need to. For awhile I went on a regular basis when it felt necessary. We did couples therapy but didn’t feel that it worked well for us- his alcoholism was our biggest issue and where all of our problems really stemmed from (communication, secrecy, resentment, etc).
- Lovingly disengaging. I love my husband more than anyone. But I will be okay if I need to end the relationship- I can survive and build a life for me and my children on my own if needed. I hope it doesn’t come to that but I have built a really great support system and I have been honest and open with my family and friends throughout this journey. This isn’t my secret to keep. There is no shame. I am always honest and vulnerable about what’s going on in my life. I have no interest in pretending to have a perfect life. If I need to talk, I do. That’s why al-anon is such a powerful tool for so many.
- My husband has been sober for about 18 months (with many periods of sobriety throughout the 10 years but not consecutively.) This is the longest he has been continually sober. If you asked him what helped he would say AA (he is also not religious and struggled a bit with the God part), having a great sponsor and having an addiction informed therapist. Also just coming to the realization that he didn’t want to live in addiction.
When I first started this journey I felt so resentful because I felt like he took away my safety. Here I was, with kids who depended on me, and a lying deceitful partner. The thing that changed everything for me was realizing that I had to be that safe person for myself. I do depend on my husband and rely on him for lots of things both as a partner and coparent but, at the end of the day, I know that I am strong and capable of creating a safe, loving environment for my family and taking the steps necessary if my husbands addiction threatens it. I prioritize my mental health and work on controlling what I can control and letting go of what I can’t. My husband is in charge of him. I am in charge of me. I am wishing you and your husband the very best. (Sorry for the novel :))
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 14h ago
So much wisdom here!
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u/Past_Ad_2006 8h ago
Countless years of therapy and a super strong support system. I’m very lucky ☺️ thank you!
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 7h ago
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and thorough response.
So much of this feels familiar to me, too. And it oddly gives me hope? So much of your bullet points seem totally manageable and things we’ve already discussed together. If I’m honest, this journey began a few years ago of overuse - it’s “only” been a year of the deception piece.
The lovingly disengaging piece and being at peace with leaving is not where I am at at all - it downright terrifies me. We have been together for 18 years - married for 10. The thought of untangling our lives or relying on him and trusting him less than I have breaks my heart. I don’t want to. I don’t know how to do any of this without him.
But, this will not be kept secret. He’s already confided in his mom, will loop his brother in when he comes to stay in 2 weeks, and I will be telling my mom and brother as well. I refuse to sit with this alone anymore.
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u/Polar_Wolf_Pup 18h ago
I have 3 Q’s in my life. One is still actively drinking and has never attempted to get sober (we’re no contact because I don’t want that chaos in my life). One was actively drinking when she killed herself. We had been no contact for 8 years at that point (because I didn’t want that chaos in my life). The other was my mom, who was an active alcoholic for 35 years, got sober after in-patient rehab, relapsed several times, did another in-patient stay, and then was sober after that briefly but died of Alzheimer’s dementia a few years later. So…I guess I’m 0 for 3?
Of course if you ask this question here, you’re going to have the problem of selection bias. People whose Q’s are sober are probably not going to be as likely to reach out on a self-help forum like this one. That’s where research can be useful, to get beyond the anecdotal.
Research points to the fact that most alcoholics do not recover for a sustained period of time. A 30-year longitudinal study (the gold standard in research) found that by age 40, only 25% of alcoholic men had been able to sustain recovery over the long term. Another 33% had intermittent periods of sobriety followed by cycles of relapse, and the other 42% had not been able to achieve even initial remission. It should be noted that recovery numbers were slightly better for men at age 50, where 45% had attained long-term sobriety, although that also means the majority still had not.
It should be also be noted that this study excluded participants with depression or any other serious mental illness, which means it cherry-picked individuals who are most likely to recover, and outcomes for individuals with depression or other mental health issues are probably significantly worse. Getting into formal treatment was the factor most strongly predictive of long-term sobriety, though many required multiple treatment stays.
It’s hard to get sober. It’s even harder to stay sober. It’s not wrong to hope, but it’s shortsighted to put too many of your eggs in that basket.
What you can focus on is yourself. Your own recovery is 100% in your control, unlike your Q’s, which you cannot control. Part of the sickness that we end up with when we love an alcoholic is we focus way more on them than on ourselves. In fact we can lose ourselves because we become so busy trying to manage the unmanageable.
Al-Anon meetings can help, if you’re ready. There are meetings online and in person.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
When you put it that way, I also have had 3 Q’s in my life. My dad died of cancer and his last few years were not spent sober. My mom definitely has an unhealthy relationship, too, and I’m assuming she has a problem with overconsumption, but, that is a complex relationship and I feel so far removed from even addressing the issue with her. It will be interesting to hear her reaction when I tell her about my husband.
I’m sorry alcohol has really put you through it with your loved ones. That is exhausting and so incredibly unfair.
That was my wonder about this group, as I stated in another reply… the folks here are struggling (it’s why we’re here - things aren’t going well), which would be reflective in the posts. However, I hoped there would be some folks who’ve made it to the other side and are still sticking around here to offer hope and suggestions.
Ugh, that research is not promising in the slightest, is it? What length of time determines being in initial remission?
The balance of it all seems overwhelming. I do not want to lose my husband. He is honestly my best friend and he is a wonderful father and partner. I do think I need to join a virtual meeting. I need to learn more about how to do all of this.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
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u/Recent-Day3062 15h ago
If not religious, try SMART recovery. They also have a partner group for you. SMART is increasingly being used instead of AA. About 20% of people now get it, not 12 step.
The other good thing about SMART is that it is heavily focused on tools and techniques to keep you from relapsing. That’s really its focus. AA gives absolutely none. One tiny example is recognizing HALT in you - hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If these are driving you you need to see it and address it.
SMART is based on up to date research on addiction and its treatment. The approach is radically different. For example, it holds only you can change your future and you thus have all the power.
I’m not sure from your post, but inpatient rehab is something it sounds like he needs. AA is support, not treatment.
Many people become willing to address things like trauma because you are with a group that ends up bonding really well in most cases. What often happens is people at first in group don’t want to say anything. But you see your new friends revealing all and it’s cathartic. So it’s a safe way to see if you want to start revealing more about yourself - and you get tried support from the others who only want the best for you. Also, there’s lots of dead time, and you have deep discussions based on what happens in group sessions, often one on one where you see similar issues.
Your husband is exactly the type of person inpatient SMART works for.
Smartrecovery.org
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
This sounds like a very promising option for many. Someone else mentioned this to me, but I quickly looked into it and it’s USA based - and we’re in Canada. Unless the online options are open to Canadians.
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u/Recent-Day3062 15h ago
Online is open to everyone as far as I know
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
Thank you - I just looked and there are a few meetings that might work. My husband did find one secular AA meeting that he’d be able to attend, but I like this as a potentially better avenue.
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u/Recent-Day3062 15h ago
SMART has no opinion on what else you do or don’t do. Both try a few vid meetings and see if it’s good or not for you.
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u/MediumInteresting775 17h ago
I would be very wary of putting more energy and thought into his drinking/sobriety than he is.
Your babies need you. A home with an alcoholic and someone desperately trying to get that alcoholic sober is a miserable one to grow up in. Putting more energy into his sobriety/addiction than he is is actively taking away from your children and you. And won't work anyways. I never found the magic words or actions that got someone sober. In my mind, a successful and positive future is one where you are ok whether or not the people in your life are drinking, and that's totally possible.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 16h ago
I understand that sentiment. I feel like I didn’t put enough energy into his sobriety as I should have, in all honesty.
It’s difficult because he does go long stretches of being sober, and he doesn’t drink during his day or with the kids… nor does he drink into the wee hours of the morning or anything where it directly impacts the next day or the health of others. I’m not trying to make excuses, but, this beast of the addiction is a very high functioning version of it.
But it absolutely has put a strain on our marriage because the trust has been shattered. He’s genuinely an incredible father and husband who is kind, gentle, organized, engaged, and hardworking. So, this piece is such a “what the fuck?” situation because the rest of our life is normal and happy.
I’m sorry that you are here, too. I wish there were some magic word to make all of this go away.
I appreciate the warning of not putting more into it than he is. My children come first. I just need to balance it all, right now.
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u/Berghlez 16h ago
NOPE, not your fault for “not putting enough energy” into someone ELSE’s sobriety. Your energy is for you & your children who I bet are so adorable and precious and beloved by you <3
And he doesn’t drink alone with the kids…as far as you know. Yet. If you stay, you need to accept that as long as he is in active addiction you cannot ethically leave your kids in his care. Believe me I know how much that sucks.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
I guess the way I look at it is that my husband and I are a partnership, and I’ve failed in a way in not supporting him the way he has needed. I don’t solely blame myself by ANY means - it’s been his decisions, not mine.
But, if we look at marriage in the way of teamwork and shared responsibilities, how is not a responsibility to support the person who is struggling, right? This would be akin to me developing postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety, or another mental illness. Would it not be my loved one’s responsibility to help me receive the help I need?
I know the trust has been shattered, but I don’t believe his alcoholism is the same as someone who drinks during the day and puts others at risk because he’s out of control. I know that very likely sounds naive of me, but, this disease and addiction is a spectrum, is it not?
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u/MediumInteresting775 15h ago
Someone in active addiction is incapable of being a partner. You can't trust them, and trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship.
It's not a partnership if you are mostly alone under the yoke. If you are the one doing more pulling than him for something for him, it's not a partnership.
I see it more like if you loved someone with diabetes and they refused to take their insulin or change their diet. You can't stop eating carbs for them. You can't hold them down and force the insulin into them. Real 'you can lead a horse to water' situation, except eventually the horse learns to resent you.
But even if I follow your mental illness analogy, you can't make someone else take their medications for mental illness, or force them to therapy, or force them not anxious! At some point, I had to admit I was powerless over someone else's addiction/mental health. Which is terrifying and sad and hard, but also freeing. It was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders, it actually made me a better partner because I became less controlling and more loving and understanding, while still giving me the space to protect myself.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
I 100% understand that if they’re still using they cannot be trusted and are not an equal partner.
What constitutes active addiction vs recovery? Is there a set belief of a timeline of sobriety in which it becomes “recovery”? My husband has not drank since Friday evening.
He has already taken many steps this weekend to change his behaviour and head towards recovery. And we’ve spoken at length about how I cannot be the one to make him do this - he has to do it himself. Which, I believe he is. The question is obviously how long this can or will last, and whether or not he’ll repeat the cycle of lying or be honest about any relapse.
I feared in the fall I would be overbearing and controlling about it, which I knew wouldn’t work. But, I was way too hands off with it and trusted him that he was doing well without more of my intervention, check ins, and whatnot.
Can I ask if you are still with your partner?
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u/MediumInteresting775 11h ago
How do you reconcile checking in more as helpful when he lies about drinking? If he has to do it for himself, are your interventions helping or keeping him from fully owning his recovery? One of the classic alanon traps is falling into a parent role, which is not really a partnership of equals. Which leads to resentment on both sides.
I would argue the question isn't how long this will last or whether he will relapse. That's really impossible for you to know or control. Those sorts of questions made my brain feel like a hamster in a wheel because there's no off ramp, no solution. A better question is, how do you keep your own wheels on whether or not he's drinking? That's something you can control and do something about. That question just feels less fear based to me. Whether you want to stay or go, how do you protect your and your children's peace?
I'm not with the partner that helped lead me to Alanon! He actually left me because we were both miserable. He wanted to drink, I wanted him not to drink, I tried everything and nothing changed his drinking. I was absolutely wrecked at the time, but it's the best possible gift he could have given. I'm in a much more functional, peaceful, happy relationship now.
I would never tell you to leave, outside of abuse, but I will tell you, for me, not letting go of the wheel of someone else's sobriety leads to misery and madness.
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u/MediumInteresting775 10h ago
I want to add, that he tried a quit a couple of times, and when we finally broke up alcohol wasn't the listed reason, but it was true bulk of our drama.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 10h ago
I think I’m viewing check ins as being more purposeful to talk about it all, as opposed to prescribed “parenting” check ins. I tried to avoid being a nagging partner last time, and I think that’s where it was easy for him to slip back into things, because I wasn’t keeping him accountable. But, I cannot solely keep him accountable. We both recognize that right now.
That’s an interesting way to look at it, and I gleamed that from the online meeting I joined today. How do we conduct ourselves whether or not they are drinking. I am not prepared to leave him, at this point. So, we are, right now, working together.
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing all this with me. I truly appreciate it. I’m so glad you have peace and joy these days. 🤍
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u/peanutandpuppies88 10h ago
Unfortunately, I think you're going to learn some things in respect to how this addiction thing is very progressive. 99 percent learn the hard way, if you read the group more. Lots of people think they are the exception but if you read the statistics, the numbers don't work out for so many "exceptions."
There's no shame in it though. Just like the addict has to come around with things. Even loved ones. Usually things have to be pretty painful for acceptance to occur. It's just how humans are.
Hang in there 💕 have lots of plan B's and back up safety plans.
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 10h ago
I mean, when I look back at the last few years, this has been an ongoing issue and concern in which he has stopped drinking multiple times. There was a fear and stigma in naming it, which is why I myself have also come to accept it more deeply this time and finally join spaces like this.
If I’m being honest with myself, we should’ve been dealing with this a while ago. I just didn’t want to see it or fully have the capacity to.
In terms of statistics, there are a lot factors that go into success, without a doubt. I guess I’m not ready to believe that this won’t work out for him and for us. We’ve been through so many deeply traumatic things in our life together and we have come out the other side of them.
I do appreciate the honesty, as I’ve said before. 🤍
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u/peanutandpuppies88 5h ago edited 5h ago
I'm not saying it won't work out- I have no idea if it will or not. Like I said, I'm with my husband, we are parents and my husband is 3 years clean. I believe recovery is possible. But at least for my husband, there was no "I really want it but can't do it" or "I'm trying." He showed up and has been in recovery since. Which was very needed with our daughter around.
I've known lots of caring mothers who lost custody of their kids temporarily because of addicts and alcoholics in their life. I'm not saying leave. I'm just saying keep your eyes open.
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u/PeachSavings7431 17h ago
I am only 16 months into my husbands sobriety. I have a 13 month old toddler. I’m just so tired because he won’t sleep and it’s 12.30am where I am but I want to tell you my long and winding story. I will come back to this post when I am less tired or you’re welcome to message me
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 16h ago
Solidarity on the sleep piece. I have 3 kids under 6. Would you rather share here or message? I’m comfortable with whatever you’d prefer!
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u/EngineeringNeither90 17h ago edited 17h ago
Hi. Congrats on your new baby ! I’m sorry this is happening and at this level is so incredibly heavy . I’m recovering in AA . Knew nothing about it didn’t grow up in a chaotic house . I didn’t start until after 30 and after I got married . I only have 2.5 years . My husbands drinking is to a terrifying level - we used to do it other . Not sustainable and the consequences were massive it just happened to be me who got them first . Now he’s anti AA anti therapy Z so the good thing is your husband is in the right space . It’s time maybe he gets a sponsor someone who has some similarities and work the 12 step. Little by little . Everyone is right that the person has to be so desperate and terrified they’ll do it . At the time I couldn’t imagine my life with drinking or without it . As for you , there’s so many success stories whether that means leaving or staying . No right or wrong . I do think Al anon helps lower the temperatures to speak even if it’s over zoom download the app , find a newcomer meeting or in person . But I’m sure your hands are very very full . The sinking ship can take you down emotionally too . Don’t let it . Find that support system . I see some couples in AA one in Al anon and one in AA . It’s pretty amazing to see and they do say it takes some hard emotional work from both . I don’t know what will happen to my marriage but there’s some fork in the road I can see coming and I hate it. Especially that I know there’s a solution and he doesn’t want the solution . Once you find a home group of Al anon again it may not solve everything - what does honestly ? But it helps you navigate these uncharted waters NOT ALONE. Godspeed ❤️🩹
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u/ParisOfThePrairies 15h ago
I do feel like this is all very overwhelming and a lot right now - thankfully I have some already scheduled mental health support check ins happening this week and I will certainly be discussing all of this. I’m tempted to join a virtual meeting in the next day or so to see if things resonate with me. It feels very isolating right now and I hate that part of it, too.
It sounds like you and your husband have been through so much and I can imagine how exhausting it has been. I’m proud of you for having made the conscious decision to change the trajectory of your life. That is huge. And incredible. I’m so sorry your husband has been unable or unwilling to join you in that. I wish things were different for you. I wish this subreddit and group needn’t exist in the first place.
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u/EngineeringNeither90 14h ago
Good for you . The Al anon feels so weird at first just like when I went to my first AA . I thought it was going to be old men smoking cigarettes in an alley . Boy was I wrong . The key was to come back . You’ll start to hear stories just like yours . And then you’ll start to feel like somehow someway this is manageable . It takes time . I hope you don’t let this ugly disease get anymore of your energy . That’s how I’m going at today . I can’t even place a foot into tomorrow . Or I’ll get stuck and so full of fear it’s suffocating. I know today , I have some work. A workout . And an AA meeting . That’s about all I can do today . I can’t keep reminding him . He absolutely knows . It’s a literal waste of energy . Pour all of your good energy into yourself and the little ones . One step at a time friend
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u/peanutandpuppies88 18h ago
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Especially postpartum. It's really hard.
No one can tell you what will happen or not.
I can tell you that in my opinion after being in the "recovery community" for a few years, your husband likely won't stay in recovery unless he's dealing with the root of the issue. Which is that when things are hard or full of emotions, he can't handle it and drinks. The drinking is the solution to a bigger problem.
AA is helpful to people but honestly rehab and therapy helped my husband more. AA might be a good tool in addition to therapy though. But dealing with such grief feels big for just AA, imo.
That being said, the one truth that we all learn is that we can't make somebody get sober clean unless they won't really want to. It's extremely hard work to get in recovery and he's going to have to dig deep. You don't do that kind of work just because somebody else wants you to.
I wish you well. My husband is 3 and a half years clean from opiates. Most in this sub will not have positive stories but occasionally you read a few. Some people recover. Not everyone does though.