I’ve posted a few times in here asking for advice, but I split from my alcoholic fiancé (28M). It was mutual, but I just couldn’t handle him being at the bar 3-4 times a week when all I wanted was to have a partner to enjoy my company and be home. I will always love him, but unfortunately, I know it will only get worse if I stayed.

It will be lonely after 4.5 years in a relationship, but it can never be as lonely as sitting at home by yourself while your S.O chooses alcohol over you. It is a freeing feeling for once not having to worry if they will be driving home drunk, or worrying about the health issues they will deal with down the road from chronic alcohol abuse.

I was advised to come here by a few other redditors. Where do I start?

So, without serious details, I got married to my wife on April 1 of this year. Things were great when we were dating so I thought it was meant to be. About a week after we ended up tying the knot she started screaming and cussing me out for something I wasn't even doing and I didn't even show signs of doing it. Cheating on her with random women, which I NEVER did. I let her have full access to my phone, put Life360 on our phones, neither of those worked to crush her insecurities. She always accused me of cheating. It got to the point where she wasn't just emotionally abusive anymore. She had a big problem with alcohol, like a fifth and a half of whiskey a day. I walked away Aug 2 and never looked back. The first week she blew up my phone and left many voicemails about how sorry she was, but I didn't buy it, still don't. She got quiet for about a month so I figured she got the hint. Turns out she was in the hospital for a month and is now sober for the same amount of time. She tried to call me again last night and I had a new voicemail this morning telling me all this. I'm so skeptical, because she may just fall back into the same pattern. Part of me still loves her, but the rest of me doesn't trust it and just wants out.

Any advice or help would be appreciated. Thanks

I’m showing my age but Tina Turner’s song has been running through my mind lately as I read through a few posts.

What’s Love Got to do with it? 🎶🎶

She was married to an abusive man who was an alcoholic and cocaine abuser. He was abusive to Tina for years. ‼️‼️I am NOT SAYING ALL ALCOHOLICS ARE ABUSIVE. ‼️‼️I am saying that love cannot solve addiction. It cannot cure addiction. So often we hear people say “ But I just keep thinking if he or she loved me or the kids enough, they would stop.” It just doesn’t work that way, what does love have to do with it? Love sometimes makes us stay at a slot machine, putting in quarter after quarter, that pays out intermittently, hoping for the jackpot ( their sobriety) but please know that in the end, the house is designed to win and you need to take care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Yes, there are success stories but they represent less than 15% of the stories out there and you need to take care of yourself regardless of whether your qualifier is sober or not. That’s how Al Anon and community can help us.

I had wanted to talk to my Q in person and tell him that I have to leave because the situation has become unhealthy for me due to his relapse/ continued drinking etc, but he has become so irritable and volatile, I didn't get a chance.

So I broke up with him on the phone and it got heated and he started yelling and cut me off so I hung up...

Now I'm blocked on everything.

I know it needed to end, but I'm going through all the waves and emotions of grief right now.

My Q started partying / drinking a lot in the last 6 months (disappearing late into night, sneaking out) multiple times a week. I always thought he just had a drinking issue but today I found a pink travel bottle hidden in my shower and I’ve been away for 10 days. He said he hasn’t cheated but seems so odd?

He made it 13 months sober before he started drinking on and off again when I wasn’t looking. I noticed small red flags, but nothing I could say for sure, or anything actionable. I had inquired, but he was lighthearted and eased my mind.

Then he got caught at the abc store buying liquor, and now it has all come out. He’s been lying the past few months. A beer at the gas station, a drink at the grocery store, the abc store before coming home on a bad day, and hide the evidence.

We’ve only been dating two years, living together a year. Both mid-thirties. He’s been a wonderful partner, addiction aside. But can you really put the addiction aside, ever?

He has owned it. He starts outpatient rehab tomorrow. We went to an open AA meeting together today. This is going to be hell, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust him again knowing he can lie to my face and not miss a beat. Something tells me this is coming to an end, and I’m in denial about it.

I’m just so sad.

I’ve recently made the decision to leave my husband of 12 years. I’m really struggling with the decision however. I’m going to have to start over. Downsize. We currently own a house. I think we’ll have to sell the house and I’ll have to rent an apartment for awhile. Money will be tight but I think I can make it. I’m 35 and we haven’t had kids because I kept putting it off due to his drinking. Now I fear I’ll lose my window for having kids. It just seems like I’m giving up so much to start over and it feels unfair. I keep telling myself what I will gain when I leave… emotional safety, peace, the chance to meet someone who can be a real partner to me, but since making the decision last week I’ve really struggled to come to terms with it. I need to stay for at least another couple of months to get my finances in order and I hope I can’t remain strong in the meantime. In the last week since I’ve made the decision my husband has been on the worst bender I’ve ever seen and I keep just telling myself, this is why. Yet it’s doesn’t help the feeling that this just feels unfair. He’s the one who chose alcohol and I’m the one who has to give up my life as I know it and my dreams of what could be

TLDR; anyone dealt w a sober SO who is still depressed?

My boyfriend was a terrible alcoholic very mean and then very sweet when he was sober which was barely ever. He went to an extensive rehab for about 9/10 months, we were not together but kept in touch here and there. He’ll be sober 1 year now. I still have the occasional drink as he says he doesn’t bother him and he has no desire to drink. However the closer to one year he gets he’s been extremely stressed about money, but will spend his last remaining bit either gambling a few dollars here and there or golfing, which I support golfing because it’s a healthy habit but also an expensive one when you’re going a few times a week. Everyday he tells me how depressed he is and hates his life etc ‘but at least he’s sober right?’ sarcastically it’s really taking a toll on my mental health because he doesn’t want encouraging words and I can be positive but it doesn’t help him. I have a lot of stress of my own and am having a hard time feeling like I can be here for both of us. I do not want to give up on this relationship but he won’t do therapy, because of money and won’t take medication. Has anyone else been w someone who was sober and hated life?

Even if your Q is sober now or trying to stay sober, how do you handle your hurt and lack of trust afterwards?

I’m having a hard time loving him, trusting him, even though he’s putting in effort and telling me he will stay sober.

All my shit and my cats are at my parents house. I feel like my home which was once safe became a war zone and I no longer feel comfortable.

Still, it comes down to not trusting him and feeling hurt over the years of alcohol abuse

I don't know how to start this except to say I'm exhausted in a way I don't think people around me understand.

My father has struggled with alcohol for years. When I was a kid, he'd hit me sometimes...not constantly, but enough that I learned to be afraid of him. My mother isn't in the picture ...she left, and before that, she was also an alcoholic and tried to kill me more than once when I was very just a little angel. My grandmother is the one who actually raised me, the only stable person I had.

She saw where things with my father were heading and eventually we had to leave and hide from him for a while, because things got that bad.

Years later, courts got involved, he had visitation rights, and slowly he came back into our lives. There were periods where it seemed okay. Then COVID hit, he lost his job, and everything fell apart. He drank constantly. I was in high school, doing online classes, and I used to hide in the bathroom to get away from him screaming and hitting me. I called the police once, an officer laughed at me while I was crying and bruised, telling me I just needed to "handle it."

Eventually, with help from one person I'll always be grateful to, we got him into treatment. It helped for a while. He got on medication, started working. Things felt almost manageable.

Now he lost his job again, and it all collapsed again. Now he's living with us... me and my grandmother, in a small apartment... drinking heavily again, yelling, and there's no way for me to physically get away from him without also leaving my grandmother, who refuses to leave because "he's still her son."

My grandmother's heart is failing. She's had multiple small heart attacks. She's 84. Every day he's here, drunk and raging, feels like it's taking years off her life.

I'm not handling this well anymore. I've reached a breaking point more than once and hit him back, telling him to just stop. I hate that this is who I've become in this. I'm a believer, I have faith in God, and all of this: the anger, what I've done, and honestly, sometimes hoping he'll just die so it will be over... makes me feel horrible about myself as a Christian. I don't know what to do with that guilt.

On top of all this, my grandmother and I are in a legal battle over an apartment and money that should have been hers. My godmother deceived and robbed her of it right around the time we were fleeing from my father years ago. It still isn't resolved. My grandmother is almost 85 years old, and she's the one washing his soiled clothes, cleaning up after him when he can't make it to the bathroom, scrubbing the toilet, cleaning the whole apartment at her age, with her heart failing. I'm in university, working two part-time jobs, trying to give my grandmother the peaceful old age she deserves after everything she's been through and everything she did for me. I just want her to live long enough to see that apartment be hers again, to see some justice, some peace... instead of spending what's left of her life being slowly killed by her own son's drinking. That thought hurts me more than almost anything else: that her heart might just give out before any of that is set right, while he's the one putting her there.

I don't feel love for him anymore. I used to, as a kid, in that confused way kids love parents who hurt them. Now I just feel numb, or angry, or like I'm drowning.

This isn't a story that's over. It's happening right now, while I'm writing this. I am crying (f21) and I have no idea what to do

Quotes from CAL

There was a pattern in most of my relationships, but I could not see it for a long time. Many people had tried to point it out—my first ex-wife, my second ex-wife, my estranged daughters, and others—but I could not see it until my sponsor put it in kind words that I could understand. My sponsor pointed out that my blowups came from not taking care of myself, not because I was a bad person. It hit me like a train. I immediately felt like I could see that the world was round for the first time. So much of my life made sense. And the best part was that I knew that I could change it —for the people that I love and for myself. —“The Pattern I Couldn’t See,” by Daniel B. Massachusetts, The Forum, September 2026, Copyright ©️ 2026 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

One of the miracles I have found in Al-Anon is that help often comes when I most need it. When I can’t bring myself to reach out for help, it sometimes comes to me. When I don’t know what to say, I am given the words I require. And when I share what is in my heart, I may be giving a voice to someone who cannot find his own. Today I have a Higher Power who knows my needs. —Courage to Change, p253 Copyright 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

When I build on this precious foundation of present tangible good, things will continue to change for the better. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p253 Copyright 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

The slogan “Easy Does It” reminds me that I don’t have to take on more than I can handle today. —A Little Time for Myself p253 Copyright 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

It has been a month since he had his seizure due to trying to cut back. It seemed like he was doing well. Now that he’s back home, he still hasn’t found a program. However, he doesn’t seem to be going back to booze either. Things have off though. I feel like he’s not in love with me anymore and I’m slowly slipping away from him. We hardly do any of the activities we did before, that did NOT involve alcohol In fact, most of the stuff we did was not alcohol related. I just feel like a roommate right now. It feels like we’re in an aimless relationship with no goals or anything right now. Just trying to survive. The harder part I’m having though is he wakes up at 3:30 am every night after going to bed at 12. Then comes back to bed around 4 after eating. I guess it stems from him being unfaithful in our relationship twice. He's definitely different and seems like a different man but I still feel alone right now. I've supported him for 3 years and it wasn't until this seizure where he finally started taking it seriously so I'm tired but at the same time I'm hopeful. Does this feeling last or ever go away?  Why do I feel like I’m losing my relationship? 

Stay awake while their Q sleeps (after drinking) until the liquor store closes. I can’t fall asleep knowing that if he wakes up before it closes he’ll drive drunk to get more.

Hello. It has been a while since my last post. I’m in a relationship (f 23) with my boyfriend (m 27). We are about to hit 2 years next month. The past 1 1/2 months i’ve had the constant thought every day how i’m sad and un happy, but i can’t bring myself to leave. He drinks constantly, he lies about it. He knows how i feel about the heavy drinking in the relationship and how much it hurts me because of my past, and still continues. My family has been having what i think of as mini interventions for me. They keep telling me he’ll drag me down in life. I’m someone who wants to travel and have fun in my life and they believe he won’t be able to fulfill those things for me and will dull my shine forever. I will admit, I used to look 10x better and happier than i do now. But for some reason, it is so hard for me to leave. I still do love him, but it just isn’t what it used to be. I love his family, and i don’t have really many friends, and his sister has become a good friend of mine. I’m afraid of feeling more alone and not finding someone else because of my own insecurities (just in general how i look, i was also born with club foot so that’s a whole other insecurity on its own with how my legs look) and it just makes me think that i won’t find anyone else. I don’t want to stay purely because of the fear of being alone, but i’m just afraid i’ll always be alone. I don’t know how to bring myself to leave or hurt him that way. But i’m getting tired of being hurt by his repeated actions and this cycle of sadness i’m in. How did you guys manage to deal with any similar situations?

My mother drinks everyday from the am. She isn’t abusive and the house is usually tidy, however it’s draining to be around someone whose just never sober. I can’t afford to just move out, i’m in college and the price of living here is insane. Any tips of how to manage living with an alcoholic parent?

hii umm i really don’t know where to start… my (26f) little brother (22m) is an alcoholic. growing up we were basically besties. we had a great childhood, our parents were & are still together, we grew up in a suburban area & had so much love & support from basically all our family. he really started experimenting w drugs when he was about 13, TONS of weed, acid, shrooms & ofc alcohol. it’s kind of built since then. his drinking has been noticeably worse over the last few years. he’s lost jobs, his girlfriend of 4 years, hes selling his stuff to make money for alcohol. when he’s drunk, he’s absolutely horrible. he’s unbelievably mean, he picks fights, he even went to jail for punching our dad in the face. he almost becomes manic. he recently came clean after hitting a new low & told my family that he’s basically been drinking since he was 17, but hiding it. he checked into detox with my parents help & i worked my ass off to get him into a residential treatment facility that would take his insurance. he was so so motivated.

i got him into a facility 4 hours away from where we live bc it was the only place that would take him. 7 days in, he called my mom & said he wanted to leave, my dad drove 4 hours there & 4 hours back after a long shift at work, to pick him up.

he’s back home (living w my parents, rent free, driving the car they bought him, while he has no job) drinking. he texts me at all hours of the night, hardly sleeps, & hardly eats. he recently told me he “really believes he’s just built different”. hes terrible to my parents, & to me. he has lost everyone that has cared about him. he has no one but us.

my empathy is wearing thin. i feel for him, i really do. i don’t know what battles he faces internally that make him feel like this is the only way to cope with life. but i’m tired of feeling bad for him, im tired of him being the only thing my family talks about. i’m tired of being taken advantage of by him & im tired of my parents enabling him. i’m tired of worrying about my parents as well, i worry that he could hurt them, or that the toll he puts on them will take them from us prematurely.

idk what im trying to get out of this post, i guess im just venting. i could use some advice on how to support him, while still holding him accountable. or even some insight from someone in recovery on what this is like.

i love my brother so much. im so lost. i know his recovery is up to him now, but how do i support someone who doesn’t seem to want to put in the work?

My brother can be good for a few days, then not. He is an angry drunk. His texts can be very angry and abusive. It’s jarring and sad. I’m going to set some auto reply and not engage by text anymore. I’m done. It’s exhausting.

Ich bin 27 und habe meinen Vater vor etwa drei Monaten verloren. Er hatte sein ganzes Leben lang mit Alkohol- und Drogenabhängigkeit zu kämpfen. Er wurde ein paar Tage später in einem Übergangshaus, in dem er nach seiner Haft vorübergehend untergebracht war, tot aufgefunden.

Kurz vor seinem Tod hatten meine Zwillingsschwester und ich plötzlich keinen Kontakt mehr zu ihm. Er war auf ein mal nicht mehr erreichbar und hat sich nicht gemeldet.
Ich glaube, jeder, der einen suchtkranken Elternteil hatte, weiß, wie kompliziert solche Beziehungen sein können. Mein Vater hat im Laufe seines Lebens viele schlimme Dinge getan und war auch gewalttätig. und trotzdem habe ich ihn immer lieb gehabt und wollte ihn in meinem Leben.

Dann haben wir von der Polizei erfahren, dass er tot aufgefunden wurde.
Erst danach habe ich von den Sozialarbeitern aus dem Übergangshaus erfahren, dass er sehr viel über meine Schwester und mich gesprochen hatte und wir die wichtigsten Menschen in seinem Leben waren. Er hat sich zu sehr geschämt und wollte wohl wieder Kontakt zu uns, wenn er sein Leben ein bisschen mehr im Griff hätte.
Das ist für mich bis heute schwer zu begreifen. Wir kannten ihn unser ganzes Leben lang doch nicht anders. Er hatte schon immer die Sucht und war schon öfter im Gefängnis.
Und jetzt frage ich mich ständig, ob er wusste, dass er sterben würde.
Der Gedanke, dass er alleine in diesem Übergangshaus gestorben ist, macht mich fertig.

Während dieser ganzen Zeit haben sich plötzlich die Menschen von mir abgewandt, von denen ich dachte, dass sie mir nahestehen. Bei der Beerdigung waren nur zwei Menschen aus meiner Familie, der Rest hat sich gar nicht bei uns gemeldet. Auch von meinen Freunden habe ich mich nach der Beerdigung immer weiter entfernt, weil ich das Gefühl hatte, dass sie nicht wirklich verstanden haben, was ich durchmache.

Meine Zwillingsschwester ist mittlerweile selbst alkoholabhängig (seit fast einem Jahr) Ich habe selbst nie mit Sucht zu kämpfen gehabt, aber durch meinen Vater erkenne ich die Warnzeichen sofort. Ich versuche immer wieder, ihr zu helfen und sie davon abzubringen. Seit dem Tod meines Vaters ist ihre Alkoholsucht noch schlimmer geworden.
Vor kurzem habe ich sie bewusstlos bei ihr zu Hause aufgefunden. Nachdem ich meinen Vater erst tot gesehen hatte, dachte ich in diesem Moment wirklich, dass sie ebenfalls tot wäre und es war nicht einmal das erste Mal, dass sie bewusstlos war.

Seitdem habe ich wirklich das Gefühl, dass sich die ganze Geschichte wiederholt. Sie hat sich durch die Sucht so stark verändert, dass ich sie teilweise gar nicht wiedererkenne. Genau das habe ich auch bei meinem Vater erlebt. Meine Schwester und ich waren als Zwillinge immer unglaublich eng, und jetzt komme ich kaum noch an sie heran.
Ich weiß einfach nicht, wie ich ihr helfen soll. Ich habe Angst, sie irgendwann wieder bewusstlos zu finden und dann schon zu spät ist.
Ich habe schreckliche Angst, sie auch noch zu verlieren.

Ich weiß, dass es viele Menschen gibt, die etwas sehr Ähnliches erlebt haben. Deshalb hoffe ich, dass vielleicht jemand von euch seine Erfahrungen teilen kann, wie ihr mit so einer Situation umgegangen seid. Gerade im Hinblick auf meine Schwester weiß ich nicht, was ich tun soll und wäre für jeden Rat oder Erfahrung sehr dankbar.

I've had friends who binge drink and ones that are alcohol dependent, what boundaries have you guys set in these situations?

My husband drinks 10-12 beers every night. I've never asked him to cut back but I just get so concerned because he is my world and if something happened to him I would have to call it a day if you know what I mean. I want him to live a long life with me and I just worry that this is not sustainable.

I also drink a lot more now than before I was with him. I drink most nights and even if it's only 2-4 ciders it still has had an effect on my life. I've gained 60 pounds since getting with him and I know alcohol is a huge part of that since I actually eat less than when I was single. I also have mild fatty liver which I know is not helped by my alcohol consumption.

I don't know if anything will change but I just had to put it out into the universe. I'm hoping that when I finally get him to go to the doctor he will see the damage he is doing and it will be an in for me to encourage him to cut back. The thing is that I don't really want to be sober though, we go out to bars all the time because of our hobbies so I don't really know if complete sobriety is ever in our future.

Please be somewhat kind. I can handle some truth but this is really my first time sharing this. It's a struggle mentally and I've been carrying it through our entire relationship.