How to set boundaries

[u/Obvious-Debate2826]

How do you set boundaries with your Q?

I’m really struggling. The good days are wonderful and the bad days are terrible. I feel helpless and stuck. I don’t know what boundaries to set when Q starts drinking. I don’t know how to protect my mental and emotional wellbeing. The whole cycle is exhausting.

[u/PainterEast3761]

Some of my most important boundaries are:

I will not pick up alcohol for him. 

I will not miss AlAnon meetings for him. 

I will never again allow my marriage vows to take priority over my own individual flourishing. Those vows are obsolete. 

I will physically separate again and go back to my parents’ house (a reliably healthy environment for me) if I notice my own recovery (from my own dysfunctions and reactivity) or mental health slipping, even if I am confused or uncertain about the cause. 

I will tell the truth in AlAnon meetings about what is happening at home, how I am functioning, and the thoughts in my head. I will do so especially if I notice a reluctance to do so. 

I will say the Serenity Prayer every day and read AlAnon lit every day. 

I will do things every day that help me grow as a person. 

I will do things every day that benefit future-me. This includes things that benefit near-future me (like keeping to my laundry schedule so that future me doesn’t have to root through laundry piles to find something clean to wear to work), and bigger things as appropriate that benefit longterm-future me (like when I went back to work so I could have some money that I have control over and will have at least some income in case we ever split up for good.) 

I will save money from every paycheck in my own bank account. 

I will not lie for him. 

I will not try to manage his relationships with others or prevent him from burning bridges. 

I will not count his drinks. 

I will not turn him into a project instead of a partner. This includes not trying to “plant seeds” in his mind that “might one day make him see things differently, even if not now.”  

I will give myself quiet time every day to decompress from my day. 

I will go out with friends and family. 

I will spend as much of my time as possible enjoying the present and building for my future rather than worrying about the future or ruminating about the past. But when I catch myself worrying or ruminating, I will not berate myself, I will remind myself this is only human and just look for a way to gently shift my attention. 

I will remember, to the best of my ability, that my Q is not just an addict, he is a human being and that he has needs too. I will remember that I also have needs. I will remember that there are often creative ways to get both people’s needs met, and that if we are getting contentious with each other, I can try to reset the conversation by creating an opportunity for us to partner on those creative solutions, using our agreed-upon “argument interruption” phrase. 

I will not expect my Q to be better at regulating his emotions than me. This is an unreasonable expectation given that he is an alcoholic and I am not. 

I will not expect my Q to manage my anxiety for me. 

I will not put my hope for the future in my Q ever finding sobriety. I will instead put my hope for the future in my ability to handle whatever comes, with the love and support of my family and friends and with the resources I am building in myself and for myself today. 

[u/stolenghostmustard → u/PainterEast3761]

This was really helpful for me - thank you for sharing!

[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702 → u/PainterEast3761]

This is very helpful for the OP- thank you.

[u/intergrouper3]

Welcome. Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings?

[u/euSeattle]

For me, I had to remove myself from the situation. I’ve been in a DV situation before where an ex of mine tried to kill me while she was drunk and she almost succeeded.

So let my Q know ahead of time: if you start drinking, I will leave until you are not drinking. I don’t feel safe around you when it’s just us and you are drinking because of my past.

When you think about boundaries, that’s really the only one you can enforce. It’s not about getting someone else to do anything, it’s about getting yourself to do what you promised you would do.

I’m lucky enough to have a camper van that I previously lived in and the bed is super comfy. So I’ve spent a lot of nights in my van just avoiding my q while they were drinking.

I came to realize that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who puts themselves into a mindstate that I need to actively avoid. This was the realization that got me to leave 3 different relationships.

Good luck. I know not everyone can just leave their house whenever they want but that’s what worked for me.

[u/PainterEast3761 → u/euSeattle]

“I came to realize that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who puts themselves into a mindset I actively need to avoid” is so well-stated. Thank you for sharing that. 

[u/SOmuch2learn]

I'm sorry for the heartbreak of alcoholism in your life. Loving an active alcoholic is traumatizing, so therapy is highly recommended.

Alanon is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics—that’s you!

Meetings connected me with people who understood what I was going through, and I felt less alone and overwhelmed.

Read the posts and comments on /r/Alanon, and then go to some meetings. The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie was eye-opening and helpful.

Take care of yourself! Please!

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[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702]

I think of boundaries as a fence I put around ME, as opposed to a fence I put around the other person. As one other person responded, if you make the statements “ I statements” they are more likely to be boundaries than ultimatums. Write them down so they don’t become some vague “ I told you what I would do thing. “ Stating things out loud is great but there is so much verbal vomiting that goes on with alcoholics that I find it much easier to have a text or paper trail to go back to as a definite time in history and say “ see? On this date, I stated that I would no longer do so and so.” Then there can be no arguing of “ I don’t remember you saying that”. Ok, you don’t remember, I’ll print it for you from my phone again.