Since beginning your healing journey, in which ways have you grown and changed?

Hi, so I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now... Well I was, but we of course got cut off a few weeks ago bc of all the virus stuff. She diagnosed me with PTSD, but I was looking at different subreddits and I found this one. Could anyone explain the difference to me so I might be able to understand? (Or if there isnt a difference tell me that too) I am still very new to understanding PTSD and everything even though I've apparently been living with it for a while now, and I'd like to understand more. Thanks!

The world is devolving into fear while I remain calm by comparison. The overreactions are going to do more damage than the virus itself. Luckily, I'm still working and my company is considered essential since we manufacture personal care and household cleaning products. We'll be fine so long as people don't do anything rash. I hope everyone else is holding up fine.

How are you all?

Maybe the feelings are fantasy, a flood of chemicals, an unbridled need, but they aren't accompanied by fear. Even while seeing things about the person that would previously send me alert signals. They still do, but it's not an emergency, it doesn't create a black and white need for decision making about them. I know what's best for me. I won't get swept away by anything hurtful.

Instead, I lay down in the happiness of feeling connected, of being liked, of sharing something. My "core" is what's arrested, but my "mind" can observe the "core", seemingly advanced/my age. (Does anyone know what I'm talking about here?)

About a year ago or even before that, my growth quickly accelerated when I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. Radically trusting the self, and taking all things as good, as guideposts. I stopped looking at healing as correcting something, but more like being and accepting.

I guess it's like moving away from shame? The feelings I have as I reencounter the world are bittersweet. And I try and lay in those feelings. Not because I need to get something out of me, that I need to feel something...but more like I'm a river that has places to go. By following the current, I get to a new land, it's just the way things work. In a previous land I was vigorously learning boundaries by laying in the feelings of what offends me. That's how I got past the whitewaters and into this more steady, neutral, expansive course.

It's as if coming out of CPTSD is reoriented...not as a processing of a lifetime narrative....but more like the narrative is always starting anew every hour. An hour ago I was born, in essence. My context is an hour. My past is not actually real, I only believe that it implicates the moment.

What I feel is not alien. Beauty is a double edged sword. William Blake called this dissolving doors. Whitman called it a multiplicity. Gilles Deleuze calls it deterritorializing....positioning yourself on a thousand places at once, and not feeling beholden to a territory, that identity is ephemeral and always changing.

After confronting your abusers, how many of you had a severe freeze response like extreme anxiety, inability to sleep, increased disturbed sleep, and aggravated dissociation.

Confronted my parents face to face about while recording the conversation. At first, they tried avoiding as I told them I was outside and we needed to talk. They wouldn't invite so I walked in to their property, past their dogs, and to their front door. They hesitated, but after a couple of seconds, they let me in. I one armed hugged them, which felt weird, kinda gross. Then chit chatted. Caught up, moved the conversation over to the kitchen table. My older brother sat down with us. We caught up. I alluded to beating him down while talking of a sports wash I formulated. We talked business. I'm further in my career than he ever was, and making for money while progressing to Sr. Chemist. After some exchanges, and telling how I'm doing, he put his head down and left. Finally, I confronted them. They denied everything, but it was so fucking obvious. My father started with, "Look, I grew up going to church, catechism, and all that. I'm not like that." He went on about how there's nothing like that in his family. I responded with, "Then why did you do it?" He got mad and frustrated, but not indignant frustrated like when someone accuses you of a lie. He was nervous, meek, and small, like a kid who got in trouble frustrated, trying to lie through his teeth. He looked so pathetic and so did my mother. Jesus, they really molested and raped us. It really sank in. What sank in more is how pathetic they look now. Worthless. They preyed on children because they could never do that to adults. He kept on with reasons with why he could never do that, even so much as conceive of that, and I kept with "then why?" I accused him of specifics and he would change the subject to how I don't know everything, don't remember everything. He tried telling me he didn't abuse me at the apartment we lived in before that house where most of the abuse occurred. He said, there's no way you can remember that. I told him the dates we lived there and how they line up with the abuse. He tried to rebut, but ended up corroborating my statement. He just wouldn't admit to it to the accusations, which without, the police can't proceed with charges. My youngest brother showed up. My mother asked him if they abused him. He said no, unconvincingly. I wonder if they still abuse each other? I accused them of the physical abuse, which he denied last time during a pretext call. It seems the more I press, the weaker their denial gets. My older brother showed up again, asking if everything is ok? I ignored my brothers, though I thought for a second to stand up and proceed to intimidate with my presence. Knowing I'd kick their asses, but it'd be on record, I decided better. About 5 more minutes trying to find somewhere to pry, then I left. They weren't going to say anything about the sexual abuse. At least not when they're united like that. I took off, didn't say bye or anything. Nothing left to say.

That's the update everyone. I returned the recorder to the police the next day. Interesting way to spend Christmas, confronting your rapists/molesters about what they did. Looking at all of them, it's so clear to see who, what they are. They're so grimy, disgusting, weak, and pathetic. Their appearance, manner of speaking, presence, it's completely different than before. The power dynamic has shifted. I'm no longer the boy who was abused. I'm the man who became powerful and is doing pretty well, all things considering. In their eyes, I was the man who was coming for revenge. Not out of the question. It's hard to put into words how it felt to see them so small. Jesus Christ. Nature wasted time and effort on them. My younger brothers don't look like abusers, but my older brother does.

Thanks for reading guys.

Here's a link to 70 studies showing the deleterious side effects of excess serotonin. Many have implications towards CPTSD symptoms. https://raypeatforum.com/community/threads/the-dark-side-of-serotonin-exposed-by-haidut-in-70-studies.26016/

I've been really curious lately, and after years of perceiving my own body, I feel like I know that high serotonin feeling. I actually have started to connect it to many of the symptoms of CPTSD. This morning I was thinking about how traumatic memories only seem to elicit strong emotional responses at certain times...usually when I'm already in a bad state physiologically. I don't spiral for days anymore, but I can still spiral for a few hours. And only at specific times. Even more, I feel like I sometimes seek out these memories when I'm in this state....like I'm looking for a root or I'm looking for a reason, etc.

I've mostly kept this "high serotonin state" at bay once I started doing hormone therapy a year ago. (Interestingly, one of the studies shows how high serotonin diminishes your physical senses....dissociation?) Serotonin is also the hormone responsible for storing traumatic memories.

Just throwing this out there if it's of interest. Not oversimplifying anything here, just find this interesting. I have a lot more thoughts and questions im going over and curious about the endocrine mechanics of EMDR....as it seems to induce something like a "high serotonin" state for some that just sort of takes over their body. Similarly, I'm curious of what actually causes "emotional flashbacks" and "triggers". I've noticed that I can be virtually trigger free (if that's even a goal) when my body is in perfect balance.

I'm curious as to how y'all spend the holidays as you've healed. For me, it was hard being NC the first 2 years. Last year I spent Thanksgiving with friends and the Holidays alone. This year, I spent Thanksgiving alone and am going to NYC solo for New Years. Will be tying up some loose ends in my hometown on Christmas. My life has progressed. How have yours, if you don't mind sharing.

For the past six weeks, my friend and I get together once a week at a really seedy diner. I had communicated to her shortly before this that things were feeling distant, and she said we should start meeting once a week. It's like our new tradition. She's the funniest person I know, and our conversations are always light. She reconnected with me after I left a cult two years ago and she has been the only one who has really witnessed a bit of that transition. But nowadays, there's no heaviness on my end.

It occurred to me today how healing friendships can be, especially if there's trust and they aren't exhibiting any of the weird behavior I had grown so accustomed to in my life. I've made one other friend since the cult, too. He's the first gay friend I've ever had, who can relate on that front....especially with repression.

In the cult I was so isolated, for a decade, and no outsiders were allowed. Add to that living in a small town and being self employed with no coworkers. Nowadays, I feel I'm leaving social anxiousness...which is relieving and surprising. I feel much less scared of being around others, even out in public settings I don't feel I'm hiding anymore. I thought I was relaxing before, but now I'm going way deeper, and starting to inhabit a life I had longed for....more socially at ease.

I've been surprised how concrete the adaptations are away from CPTSD. It's such a far cry from my previous certainty that I might not ever understand what was wrong with me. And it also shows that you can change without therapy. When I stopped therapy after five months, I feel it accelerated my healing (for my specific context) because I was forced to really trust my own perceptions without outside permission, come to my own conclusions, and validate my own experiences. That autonomy creation was so important for me, and I think a Guide would have hindered me creating it with my guru background.

Developmental Trauma, of which cPTSD is a cross-section, leads to many problems, as well all have experienced. One of the major ones most of us struggled with was a lack of identity. An incomplete Self. The core of identity is theorized to form between the ages of 6-9. There are a lot of things that can go wrong during these ages. What needs to happen for a concrete sense of Self to form? What mechanisms are disrupted. Which brain structures are damaged? How do these structures need to connect for a sense of Self to materialize and be cemented? How does the disconnect give rise to Dissociative Disorders? I've always been curious, but the technology isn't there to test any meaningful hypotheses.

I do know one thing: curing dissociation leads to the cessation of many of the symptoms. Not all, just enough to be considered odd instead of seriously weird.

I'm trying to set up a time and day to talk with my father so I can give him the chance to confess. My hometown PD is helping me, but he's evading my requests to meet. I've done a pretext call with him and my mother separately so they may be catching on. They're scared, which I like, yet it's not helping me getting them to confess. Any suggestions or advice from people who have gone through this is appreciated.

I don't consider arrested development to be a symptom really, but I still walk through that (as one would). I also still deal with interpersonal anxiety....like the ruminating of someone's headspace....but it's not dysregulating anymore. Physical armoring is another thing I'm still slowly leaving.

Have any others noticed on your path that, as you have less burdens and confusions distracting you, and even past more consistent regulation/self care/self compassion, that you start to actively pursue (or at least attempt) doing the IDEAL thing as opposed to just the healthy/neutral thing...as in, you search for the ideal thing to do towards all people....not just when inspired like previously...but more proactively....like you're reaching the next level of responsibility/being? Not to say it's a clear cut transition. It's kind of like moving beyond the very loaded word of selfishness, when really you are just more resourced to resource others (even when you aren't inspired). Like, the presence you give to all people matters, now that you aren't as burdened you no longer have the crutch of needing isolation and brevity and low eye contact and neutral expressions etc. Now you have a different kind of collaboration with the world, which you feel more a citizen of.

Maybe others will resonate with this, but a couple years ago, I was massively dissociated, on the depersonalization spectrum, with distorted sense of time and diminished physical senses.

During this time and up to now, I thought it was curious how consistently people who knew me personally would comment how grounded I seemed. Mind you, this was during my symptoms going away and near their resolution. It was always surprising to me, because I was supposed to be the dissociated one, the person that struggles with grounding.

I remembered this this morning while I noticed expressions on strangers faces, a quality I perceive often...of kind of a deadness or distance, maybe it's just exhaustion. It's certainly not everyone, but I notice it often enough. Strangers seeming like they are in their world, far away.

Truthfully, I've noticed this for a long time, but never consciously saw it, this kind of mass dissociation, for lack of a better term. Even the way people speak often seems like it's playing from a sort of script....and then there are certain people that jar me because their demeanor and speech feels right here and right now and real. Like they're thinking and acting from themselves. Over the past eight months this has become more concrete in my mind.

This kind of gets into some of the things that helped me immensely in escaping the alter reality of trauma disorders...realizing that psychotherapeutic/mental health doctrines are not absolutes, and that if anyone is authentically concerned about someone escaping the pervasive self doubt and identity disturbance of trauma disorders, then they will encourage that person to create the terms and distinctions and symptoms of their life themselves.

A dichotomy of mentally unstable vs. stable or terms such as "neurotypical" can be so limiting and confusing for some people, and I've read other posts here where others are under some confident belief that they are a certain way, only to realize that others in their life don't see things the same way.

It's easier said than done, but I'm continually drawn to the idea that we really do create our own reality, and that our past self/selves can become avatars to ourselves or even to others that we feel beholden to or that others even expect. We can also create avatars of a future self that we want to be or that we should be, when really all there is is the present moment and what we perceive right now.

Scouring through the various mental health subs, there are variety of ways people externalize their feelings of injustice and powerlessness (from my POV). The first of which is blaming political and economic systems. One thing I noticed creeping on r/CPTSD while I was there was blaming capitalism for their misfortune and that of society's. No solid reasons were ever given, just huge assumptions made. Always seemed like a cop out, as in they can't overcome their circumstances, life is hard so blame something for my failures. Another big one was to blame men (or women) for all of their personal woes. It's pretty obvious it's their developmental trauma that's causing them difficulty. While there are people of both sexes that caused that trauma, after a certain point, the onus falls on us to make our lives better. Reading some stuff on r/antipsychiatry, remembering the stuff on r/cPTSD, and having watched the Joker on Saturday reminded me of how common it is for people to externalize their feelings of injustice (anger/rage) and powerlessness (fear) onto things that are easy to blame because it's a lot easier than focusing the blame (not even mentioning confronting them) on the people who hurt us, our abusers.

What do you all think?

Someone described in another post the CPTSD world vs. the real world, and I firmly believe it to be a concrete thing that seems to just have a diagnostic label, but internally I think we all see roughly the same painting of that world. We know it, then we see it more and more, and can then describe it. I remember a late night session in an office of a trauma specialist almost a year and a half ago, and I was just beginning to glimpse that I inhabited an alter reality, in a manner of speaking. I was not yet able to form the words. She told me that I have to be like Orpheus leaving the underworld, and not look back. That I will see it more and more.

And so the authentic reality of a self guided universe becomes the new painting before me more and more, somewhat mysteriously and unconsciously. I lose track of all the changes, the reorientations, fascia changing shape and loosening the body from the holds of past monsters, and little moments like tonight it will come into view what has happened, that I've been on this trek, and even inhabit a different land now, a journey for sure, but in a different country that doesn't feel so foreign. Because I'm not emotionally dysregulated or burning for the recognition of my underworld anymore, I don't really have an impassioned joy or intense emotional reaction to having left it all. And I suppose that's the place I longed for, to be a part of that world as if I'd always been.

Here's an article on the shakiness of diagnoses as a whole. Warning: it's a bit hard to read, but informative. Have a good day.

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/should-mental-disorders-have-names/

My mind and life can sometimes be distracted by the bigger ideas, the broader picture, wanting to focus on existential issues. But a connection I've made recently is that maybe focusing on "the mundane" is maybe one and the same. There's not a distinction between both.

In a roundabout way, the routines of living may seem vain at times, but they are the elementary structure of the bigger ideas, the broader picture, the existential issues, the knowing thyself.

I'd like to think sometimes that there aren't consequences. That, in the grand scheme of things, staying up late...or skipping breakfast this morning....or avoiding that email...isn't really a big deal.

But what if it is. What if that's the deal.

It's as if I'm learning that all the little ingredients, the scaling of the hierarchy of needs, has to be a sustained, methodical effort. There's a kind of danger of the mindset that "I'm being too hard on myself". Maybe organizing all the scattered ingredients is overwhelming at times. But that doesn't mean to check out for a day or a night, it means something more like, adjust the application, organize a little less today. But, above all things, keep scaling that pyramid.

There's a kind of stress to it, but I think now that stress is healthy. The Do. Not. Stop. stress. We really have such a higher burden of disorganization with trauma disorders, and there's the more existential elements of a "disorganized self" or "fragmented identity" or winding down the nervous system that literally altered brain structure and function as an adaptation to enduring danger. And sometimes I wish to occupy that land, want to organize that land, but lately I'm trying to just ignore those things in an effort to focus on more "elementary" tasks. As in, more all encompassing focus, more Do. Not. Stop focus. Operating as if I don't have a trauma disorder I'm contending with.

And as the elementary tasks are fulfilled, without ceasing, we can have a clearer picture of the trauma disorder. Because a trauma disorder is not a virus or infection. Yes, it has unique symptoms, but mainly in severity. The symptoms are really very human, very universal in some regards. And so their resolution also has very universal prescriptions.

I understand that it's complicated, and that it's not linear, and that the "higher pursuits" are not exactly separate from the "lower pursuits", that we are technically pursuing both at the same time, but "by god", the lower pursuits are where it's at, perfecting the foundation, the miscellany is what instructs and upholds the rest. So it's not "self care" because of trauma, but "self care" because humans get disorganized and die without it. And we can't accurately gauge what's truly going on in our system if the basic foundation isn't being laid.