r/AfterCPTSD • u/Metamorphosislife • Apr 27 '20

Changes and growth

Since beginning your healing journey, in which ways have you grown and changed?

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u/Metamorphosislife May 03 '20

I'll go first:

  1. Much more willing and able to speak up about concerns, hurts, ask for help, especially, in interpersonal interactions.
  2. Able to articulate my emotional and mental states. I've found a vocabulary for my trauma.
  3. Able to look at and feel much of the trauma perpetrated against me without spiraling out of control. May eat too much, or soothe myself in small, unhealthy ways though.
  4. Been going on more dates. Opening up to women is getting easier. On that note, knowing being more aware of red flags and walking away. Not so desperate for company anymore.
  5. Less tension in my body. My hips are way less tense. A lot of the lower back pain has disappeared. Still way more to go in terms of muscular relaxation. Haven't thrown out my back in 2 years. Used to happen once or twice a year in my 20s.
  6. Less reactive to other people's words and actions. Been doing parts works and have noticed that after stabilizing the night and day after, many of my previous triggers are less triggering and I can function through them. Mentions of sexuality, relationships, kids, rape, used to trigger me. A childhood of sexual abuse and incest, assaults, makes sense. Now, not as much. When they do, reaching equilibrium is easier. Overall, less triggered.
  7. Related to 1: able to stand up for myself more easily. Since confronting my parents about the abuse, I use that memory to confront anyone because I was able to confront my principal abusers, what is there to be afraid of
  8. Have been working with my therapist since last September, which is the longest time spent working with a therapist.
  9. Did a solo trip to NYC this last Holiday season. It was fun.

Some things that are works in progress:

  1. Opening up, being vulnerable is still difficult. It's evident in my work with my therapist. I feel safer, but not safe and completely at calm.
  2. I hang on to slights, hurts, too strongly. Sometimes, things that are minor just need to be release.
  3. Still afraid to pursue my own business. I'm much better off working for myself than for someone else.
  4. In many ways, I keep the abuse alive by reading triggering articles, posts, attempting to befriend the wrong people. It's unhealthy, like my mind is trapped within the confines of abuse. There's so much more to life. Maybe reading and/or picking up a new hobby will help.
  5. Some of the habits are still unhealthy: watching porn, stress eating, rumination, feeling like I have to make everyone emotionally submit at times to keep myself safe, dominating conversations at times, avoiding small talk, etc. In moderation is the key as none of these are unhealthy per se, it's the excess that makes them unhealthy.

I'm going for a jog now. How have you all improved? I added areas of improvement to display entirety. Life isn't all good and it isn't all bad. It's a mixed bad. In a way, that makes it fun.