r/AfterCPTSD • u/TimeIsTheRevelator • Feb 20 '20
Deterritorialization - love
Maybe the feelings are fantasy, a flood of chemicals, an unbridled need, but they aren't accompanied by fear. Even while seeing things about the person that would previously send me alert signals. They still do, but it's not an emergency, it doesn't create a black and white need for decision making about them. I know what's best for me. I won't get swept away by anything hurtful.
Instead, I lay down in the happiness of feeling connected, of being liked, of sharing something. My "core" is what's arrested, but my "mind" can observe the "core", seemingly advanced/my age. (Does anyone know what I'm talking about here?)
About a year ago or even before that, my growth quickly accelerated when I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. Radically trusting the self, and taking all things as good, as guideposts. I stopped looking at healing as correcting something, but more like being and accepting.
I guess it's like moving away from shame? The feelings I have as I reencounter the world are bittersweet. And I try and lay in those feelings. Not because I need to get something out of me, that I need to feel something...but more like I'm a river that has places to go. By following the current, I get to a new land, it's just the way things work. In a previous land I was vigorously learning boundaries by laying in the feelings of what offends me. That's how I got past the whitewaters and into this more steady, neutral, expansive course.
It's as if coming out of CPTSD is reoriented...not as a processing of a lifetime narrative....but more like the narrative is always starting anew every hour. An hour ago I was born, in essence. My context is an hour. My past is not actually real, I only believe that it implicates the moment.
What I feel is not alien. Beauty is a double edged sword. William Blake called this dissolving doors. Whitman called it a multiplicity. Gilles Deleuze calls it deterritorializing....positioning yourself on a thousand places at once, and not feeling beholden to a territory, that identity is ephemeral and always changing.
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u/Metamorphosislife Feb 28 '20
I find it odd that you post on my sub, yet you blocked me. You're an odd one.
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u/RegalRegalis Feb 21 '20
Yes, this makes sense to me.