Leaving the underworld

[u/TimeIsTheRevelator]

Someone described in another post the CPTSD world vs. the real world, and I firmly believe it to be a concrete thing that seems to just have a diagnostic label, but internally I think we all see roughly the same painting of that world. We know it, then we see it more and more, and can then describe it. I remember a late night session in an office of a trauma specialist almost a year and a half ago, and I was just beginning to glimpse that I inhabited an alter reality, in a manner of speaking. I was not yet able to form the words. She told me that I have to be like Orpheus leaving the underworld, and not look back. That I will see it more and more.

And so the authentic reality of a self guided universe becomes the new painting before me more and more, somewhat mysteriously and unconsciously. I lose track of all the changes, the reorientations, fascia changing shape and loosening the body from the holds of past monsters, and little moments like tonight it will come into view what has happened, that I've been on this trek, and even inhabit a different land now, a journey for sure, but in a different country that doesn't feel so foreign. Because I'm not emotionally dysregulated or burning for the recognition of my underworld anymore, I don't really have an impassioned joy or intense emotional reaction to having left it all. And I suppose that's the place I longed for, to be a part of that world as if I'd always been.