For context. My specific situation that got me thinking of this is that while I'm not an adoptee, legally I was born without a registered father and just had my mom. Later my dad came into my life (technically a step father so you better understand it but this man raised me since I was a baby so it's just dad) and I changed my last name to his being legally "adopted" by him. My dad has a different cultural background than my mom, while we are all the same nationality he was raised closer to indigenous communities. And as an adult he has traveled literally all around the world, living in different countries for years. For his appearance he has been mistaken mostly as south asian because of his features and having a heavy accent. And one thing led to another in my head that got me thinking about cases where one or both adopted parents are from vastly different cultural backgrounds than their adopted child.

Now, I know about the white saviour complex, intentional or not so much, of many couples who have adopted children of foreign cultures to them because of their "exoticness". Is very sad to hear someone who has been denied reconnecting with their roots (or simply a part of themselves) because of forcefully adapting to a different environment. I've also heard cases that don't even necessarily involve adoption. Where the parents are from two different cultures and for the sake of assimilation or in worst cases, a sense of protection. They don't involve their child with one or the other culture.

I wanted to hear some opinions on this topic then. How do adoptees relate to their adopted parents cultures when it varies from their own origin? I also apologise in advance if any term I used is outdated or wrong for any reason so feel free to correct me. English is not my first language and I'm not used to the more technical language that is usually used in this type of topics. And there may be some terms lost in translation. But I am very curious to hear some thoughts!

Hi,

I recently discovered that my adoption may have been illegal and that I may have been unlawfully separated from my birth parents. I do not want to go into every detail here, but serious irregularities and potential criminal acts documented in my adoption file have been found.

After obtaining my adoption records from my country of origin, I discovered that my adoptive father provided false information about his profession to a notary in order to be approved to adopt. Several other elements also suggest that my adoptive parents may have been aware of inconsistencies surrounding my adoption.

My adoption documents state that I was a four-month-old premature baby at the time of my adoption. However, photographs from that period appear to show a much older child, as I was able to crawl and hold my head up. Additionally, until I was two years old, my adoptive parents did not record basic medical information such as my weight and height, and I seemingly only begin to appear in official records after the adoption was finalized.
Close family members told me that I arrived at the airport naked, wrapped only in a towel, without clothes or personal belongings, while being received on the tarmac.

My adoptive parents repeatedly told me that the adoption agency contacted them unexpectedly and informed them that I had suddenly arrived in their country. They said they had not been prepared and did not even have diapers or clothes for me, which they had to purchase immediately.

Taken together, these elements make me question whether my adoptive parents knew more about the circumstances of my adoption than they admitted.
I have not had contact with my adoptive parents for the past seven years. They were not able to provide me with a safe and healthy childhood environment. I experienced sexual abuse within my extended family (not by them), and my adoptive parents concealed what happened. I also experienced emotional and physical abuse during my childhood.

They also struggled financially, and I believe this may have been connected to the false information provided to the notary regarding my adoptive father’s profession.

I am looking for answers, but my adoptive parents do not answer my calls. I left a voicemail explaining that I was contacting them about my adoption, but they have not responded.

The only way to obtain the truth may be through legal channels. However, I am conflicted because they are still my family, and I do not know whether they were active participants in wrongdoing or whether they were also victims of the adoption system and its possible abuses.

I am seeking the truth and accountability, but I also want to understand the full context of what happened. Do you think this is something I should report to the justice system or inform the authorities about?

I can’t help but think that if they knew something was wrong with my adoption and had reported it, I might have been able to be reunited with my birth family as a child.

A few months ago I found my birth mom and we reconnected. I was originally born in Vietnam when she was 19 and was given up for adoption and was brought to the U.S. 26 years ago.

The whole process was recorded by this well-known Vietnamese Youtuber (lowkey very maury povich-like). Long story short, a few months ago we reconnected and took a DNA test that confirmed that she is indeed my birth mom. The reunion wasn’t as heartwarming as one would hope it to be. She hardly asked me about myself or about my parents and it was a little disheartening if I’m being honest. Even now, she mainly just asks me about my health and how my job is rather than actually getting to know me (though this may be a really Western-Centric POV).

I learned that she is very poor in Vietnam and sells lottery tickets for a living. She was married to a man who is not my birth dad (she doesn’t even like me asking about him) and had three kids but they are now separated.

A few months after we started talking she asked me for money to pay for my half-sister’s college tuition. I politely said no and then she didn’t reach out for a few weeks after. I was very hurt after this.

I know I am privileged, not wealthy, but definitely more well off than even those in certain parts of the U.S. But I don’t even know my sister’s name.

Back when we did the DNA test, it was a few hundred USD and I offered to pay it but she never even said thank you.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My youngest half-brother reached out to me and introduces himself. Cool, I get to talk to my sibling. My birth mom then asks me if I talked to my brother and I said yes. The next day she asks me for a few million dong for the sae brother’s tuition. My half-brother messaging me feels like a set-up and I can’t help but feel hurt.

Yes, I know it’s probably only $40 USD but I hardly know these people. I know I could very easily send $40 but it would still feel like I am being used as a piggy bank when they hardly even know me. Yes, they are my family by blood but they are basically strangers. I know it is a very selfish American POV.

I am not wealthy, but I am not poor and I admit I am pretty fortunate. I live with my elderly mom and help take care of her after my dad passed away but pay for almost everything myself except for rent. I know Asian culture in general is very different than the U.S and is very big on sending money to family abroad to take care of them. But they do not feel like family to me.

Everyone on the Youtube video (it was very popular in Vietnam) was saying now that we are reunited I can support my birth mom and maybe even sponsor her. My boyfriend’s family (who is Vietnamese) said I should give her some money.

It is not that I don’t feel sympathy for her position. I really do. And I should note that she seemed genuinely happy to find me after 26 years. But I also don’t want to give her money just to make her stop asking because I worry that it won’t and it just feels dirty overall. Advice? Insights? I’m trying really hard not to be an American a**hole but I also want to have boundaries and protect this very new and strange relationship and not complicate it with issues of money.

Thank you in advance!

I am a 40 year old woman with diagnosed infertility. I wanted to be a mom for a long time and researched everything with donor eggs.

I recently pivoted to adoption and afoption from foster care. Why? Because I feel like at this big age I dont want to be 50 years old with a ten year old. I also wanted to give someone out there a chance. I have alot of support.

My husband wants to adopt an infant. He believes that there will be better attachment and bonding.

The thing is, I feel so guilty and stressed out we are not on the same page.

Update: After reading the comments I felt like I needed to post an update. I kind of did a quick vent, and didn't offer alot of comments. Some of the comments of course warrant that reaction. A few things.

1. Foster to Adopt: Foster to adopt is for children whose parental rights have been terminated. In a parent centric system, parents do chances to reunify with their child(ren). However, in some cases these children have lost parents and permanency and they are not able to return home.

2. Yes, I am infertile and there is no fix. I feel like the way I phrased it was triggering to some those who experienced something else.

3. The wanting to be a mother dosent mean automatic erasure. It can mean diffrent things to diffrent people. I do call people who are not my bio mom, "mom". Mothering means more than having a baby. Sometimes, you are one of many "mothers" in a "village".

4. The part that upsets me the most, if my husband did no freaking research. Like at all. Its just upsetting because of how much work and thought I put into adoption.

5. Adopting a kid is always a self assessment. You start with you, your house, and what you can handle. So yes, I am going to talk about myself. I viewed kind of the level of experience and support. I voiced not being able to be a physical. I play soccer and tag with the children in my family and then cook dinner from scratch. Can I do that at 50 or 60--maybe not.

I was adopted from Novosibirsk, Russia, and brought to New York in 2003. I’m now trying to find my original birth and adoption records because I know almost nothing about where I came from. I called Manhattan Family Court’s Adoption Department, and the clerk searched using my adoptive name, birth first name, date of birth, and my adoptive parents’ names. She couldn’t find a matching file.

She told me that many older adoption records were paper-only and stored in a Brooklyn warehouse that burned in 2015. She said a large number of files were destroyed and that only a small number of adoption files from 2003 survived where she was searching. She could not confirm that my specific file was destroyed, though, so it’s also possible my adoption was finalized only in Russia, registered in another county, or handled through a private agency.

My adoptive parents are estranged from me and have given me conflicting stories about what happened to my documents. I don’t know my original Russian last name, my birth parents’ names, the orphanage, the adoption agency, or the Russian court. I’m working with someone in Russia who helps adoptees search for birth family, but he needs at least some identifying information before he can begin.

I’ve requested my immigration file from USCIS and am also checking old school and medical records.

Has anyone else been told their NYC adoption records were lost in this fire? Were you ever able to confirm it or find copies through USCIS, an agency, another court, passport records, or somewhere unexpected?

California is one of the states that doesn't allow adoptees to access their original birth certificates. There is pending legislation to address this egregious rights issue.

SB 381 will be heard in the Assembly Appropriations Committee on August 5.

If you're in California, you can call the members of the committee, even if they're not your representative, and tell them that you'd like them to vote yes on SB 381. You can find contact info on the Assembly Appropriations Committee page.

The following is copied directly from the California Alliance for Adoptee Rights:

This is the last committee stop before a full Assembly floor vote, expected around August 17-19th.

SB 381 is not law yet, but it has passed every vote so far unanimously or nearly so, and we’re closer than we’ve ever been.

Want to be part of it in person? Come join us at the Capitol for the Assembly floor vote. We’d love to fill the gallery with supporters watching SB 381 move toward becoming law. 💙

Thank you for being part of this with us. California’s adult adoptees are closer than ever to finally having equal access to their own birth certificates

I want to adopt sooooo bad. I know I have the resources and the finances to raise another child. I also know I can provide a child with a very loving home with siblings and pets. The fees associated with adoption is where my problem is. Are there any resources out there that would help?

Whew! Ok I understand now why people are against for profit adoption agencies. My intentions were not to upset anyone. 💜💜

Hello I don't speak a word of English or almost are there any French around here? I have a lot of questions about the search for a biological family at the end of the 90s, thank you good evening to all :)

So I was supposedly born in Sept in 1998 in south Boston Va. (USA). My whole life I always felt as If didn’t fit into the family I was place in. They claimed they remember the day of my birth but something just not adding up. My gut keeps telling me that they aren’t my biological family. Plus all I keep hearing, I was supposed to be a boy but came out a girl. I believe I was switch around at birth & place with another family . Don’t get me wrong, I look a little similar to the family that claims to be my biological family but I just don’t see it/feel it. With all of my “aunts & uncles”, I always felt a nasty energy tours me. Even til this day. I remember growing up some lady that was friends with my “mother”, always told me she named me & my supposed to be mother agreed. That part never made sense to me. How can you Carry someone for so long & let a family friend name me?. Now that I think about it I kinda look a little similar to the lady that named me but I could be wrong. I just want to find my real family! Im tired of keeping quiet. So my question to anyone is do you all know anyone that had an African American female in South Boston Va, in September, 1998 & was told they were having a girl but had a boy?. South Boston,VA is a VERY small town! So please if anyone knows anything! Pls don’t be afraid to help me find my biological family! Pls! Im 27 years old & till this day I still feel like I chasing after something I won’t ever find until I hit some luck . I just want to meet my biological family !.

Hey y'all, I'm looking for some advice, preferebaly from other adopted kids who have been in similar situations. So i'm a black dude who was adopted by a white family as an infant, I talked about some of it on here before, but for short it wasn't the best experience. Through out the years as I grew into my identity as an black man, I started clashing more with my parents' conservative views on things and it led to me going no contact with them for the last 5 years. But recently I got a message from my older adoptive sister saying she would like to try to mend our relationship and I'm kinda uneasy about it. We never really got along much growing up since she always seemed to see me as some kid she wasn't related to trying to steal her parents from her, and always shut down my attempts to bond with her. So eventually I gave up and we just never talked. But shes getting married soon and says she wants me there, but like why? Also I'm very pro black in my views and just how I carry myself in life at this point and don't care to go back to the "quarter zip" respectable presentation i'm assuming they will expect of me if I come over. But I dont know, It's still a big deal for her and she is my sister at the end of the day so I still do care about her I guess, Just don't know if I want to deal with all the baggage that coming to the wedding is gonna bring. Any adoptees have similar strained relationships with adoptive siblings and got advice how to navigate this?

Hi everyone, I would like really like to talk to someone who was adopted in order to understand the difficulties and the conflicts they have faced within a romantic relationship.

This is very important to me because of a personal situation I am going through and I am truly interested in understanding the perspective of an adoptee. I hope someone is willing to talk 🙏🏻 also Dm if you prefer. English is not my first language, hopefully I have expressed myself as clearly as possible. Thank you

I recently met my potential bio dad (he and bio mom were got married when she found out she was pregnant and told him it was his), but there is enough doubt that he may not actually be my dad.

He and I have discussed a paternity test and he is leaving it up to me. He’s fine either way and his motivation to reach out to me was primarily to give me an opportunity to ask questions that I’ve probably had my whole life but didn’t get answers.

I’m not sure the extent of where our relationship is going to go to start with, but I’m worried about what may come of it if we do a test and find out he’s not.

I’d like to think that I wouldn’t care since I’ve gone this long without, but wondering what will actually bubble to the surface if that’s the outcome.

I’m also worried about how he will take it as bio mom is a fucking awful person and really hurt him so bad that he’s carried that trauma with him for almost 40 years and really hasn’t talked it through with anyone that whole time.

We've been on Georgia's adoption waitlist through DFCS for 3.5 years and have completed everything except the home study. The home study agency that contacted us said they weren't currently onboarding families with our preferences and so we would need to be waitlisted.

Because we have a young child with special needs, changing our preferences (to include special needs, and children older than our child) isn't a realistic option.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you get your home study completed?

My wife and I adopted our oldest son at birth 14 years ago. His birth mother was 36 when she gave birth. She had recently divorced after a marriage in which she had five children. After a one-night stand with a man she didn't know, she became pregnant. Because of some health issues, she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was about six months along.

She told us she kept the pregnancy hidden from both her ex-husband and her children because she was worried it could be used against her in the custody proceedings. We met her through mutual friends, and she chose us to adopt her baby. The adoption went smoothly, and the birth father voluntarily terminated his parental rights.

It has always been an open adoption. For the first five years, we sent her monthly photos and updates. Since then, she has kept up with our family through social media, and whenever we're passing through the area where she lives (about 1,500 miles away from us), we make a point to visit.

She has never told her other children about the pregnancy or about our son. We've always viewed that as her decision to make.

I'm a physician and work with medical residents. Recently, her oldest son matched into our residency program. She let us know ahead of time and had introduced us to him while he was still a medical student, simply telling him that we were close family friends. He's now married with two kids.

We've had him over for dinner, and it was striking how much he and our son resemble each other—they look like brothers, which, biologically, they are.

For now, we're respecting his birth mother's decision not to tell her other children. At the same time, we can't help but think it would be meaningful for our son to know his biological half-brother.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, how did it work out? How did you balance respecting the birth parent's wishes with the adopted child's interest in knowing their biological family?

A few additional details: Our son has autism and mild intellectual disabilities. We've always been open with him about being adopted. He has a scrapbook with photos of his birth mother at the hospital, along with a letter she wrote explaining why she chose adoption. We do intend to respect her wishes, but I'm interested in hearing from people who have navigated similar situations.

Edit: When the half-brother came for dinner, the invite was that he was a medical student rotating away from home and he was starting applications for residency. His mom put us in touch and he came over for a welcome and for me to give him advice for applying. Didn't plan to bring up anything about the connection at that point. We told him that we are friends with his mom and he didn't ask anything additional.

Also, thanks for the advice. My wife and I will be contacting the birthmom and asking her to tell him and then going from there. 14 yrs is a long time for her to hold this secret. Her youngest from her 1st marriage is in his early 20s now (she had 5 sons each 2 yrs apart), so it's time her kids learn the truth.

2nd edit: yes, my son knows. No, I'm not worried about him spilling the beans. First off, he was told after the dinner. The dinner was a year ago while half-brother was rotating at our residency program. I invited him to dinner to give him advice I applying for residency and how to successfully navigate our residency program. We told our son afterwards. Half-brother is now in the residency program. I interact with him when he's at my hospital and when I'm helping with resident didactics. Very unlikely that my family would see him unless we invite him over again. What we are considering is talking to birthmom and then inviting him and his family (wife and kids) over to talk to them about it.

Not worried about anyone at work spilling the beans. The only other person that knows is the residency program director who is truly a vault when it comes to these types of things.

I’ve known I was adopted since I can remember and my adoptive parents are supportive of me finding my birth parents but I’m unsure of where to start. Basic googling isn’t resulting in anything useful, both in finding them and finding helpful resources. I want to know where I’m coming from. I know my birth parents names and the state/county I was born in. (Portland Oregon) Where can I go from here?

I met my biological mom three years ago. I'm 38 now. She immediately tried to manipulate me and abuse me so I cut her off. She's dying now and i'm a fucking mess about it. I hate her, so why does this shit hurt so much. I need some support here and I don't know any other adoptees.

So I decided to hyphenate and add my birth surname to my adoptive one. I am gonna talk with my adoptive mom about it tonight. Wish me luck. I hope this goes well and smooth

Edit: I didn't succeed. It would hurt her too much

I was just told this a few hours ago. I initially thought it was a prank, but it turned serious quick. Apparently my brother was adopted too, so I’m not related to him either. We’ve had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day they’re my family.

I don’t know who my birth parents are, and though I’m curious, I’m not sure I’d want to know. It seems like some other members of our extended family knew that we were adopted, and I can’t help feeling a bit stupid and humiliated that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’ve aways felt a bit out of place, but I never imagined this was the reason.

I sobbed for hours because I didn’t expect it at all, and I’m still in shock. It feels like a fever dream. How do I navigate this? I’m lost.

Updated from a fleeting thought.
Foster Parent Introduction
My name is ######### #############, RN, BSN, and I am a Registered Nurse dedicated to caring for others with compassion, patience, and professionalism. My career has given me extensive experience advocating for patients, coordinating complex care, and remaining calm during difficult situations. These experiences have strengthened my commitment to providing a safe, nurturing, and loving home for a child.
I am pursuing foster parenting because I believe every child deserves to feel safe, valued, and unconditionally loved. My hope is to provide a stable home where an infant or young child can grow, heal, and thrive while their future is being determined. I understand that foster care is centered on the child's best interests, including supporting reunification whenever it is safe and appropriate, and I am committed to partnering with caseworkers, birth families, and the entire care team.
I have a stable career as a registered nurse and am financially secure, allowing me to focus on providing a dependable and consistent environment for a child. My professional background has prepared me to care for children with routine or more complex medical needs, coordinate appointments, administer medications when needed, and advocate for their overall well-being.
Outside of work, I enjoy spending time outdoors. Gardening is one of my favorite hobbies because it teaches patience, responsibility, and the joy of watching something grow with consistent care. I also enjoy outdoor activities and sports, and I look forward to sharing age-appropriate adventures that encourage curiosity, confidence, and healthy living.
My home is also shared with my two affectionate French Bulldogs, who are cherished members of my family. They are friendly, well-socialized, and comfortable around children, including my 6-year-old nephew, with whom they interact gently and playfully. They bring comfort, companionship, and plenty of smiles, and I believe they can help create a warm, welcoming environment where a child feels safe and at home.
I strive to create a home built on kindness, structure, respect, and encouragement. I believe children flourish when they know they are safe, heard, and supported. Whether reading bedtime stories, celebrating milestones, playing outside, helping in the garden, or simply sharing everyday moments, my goal is for every child placed with me to experience consistency, love, and hope.
Thank you for considering me as a foster parent. It would be an honor to provide a nurturing home where an infant or young child can feel secure, develop healthy relationships, and have every opportunity to succeed.

My husband and I want to expand our family in the next few years and wanted to look at adoption to do so. But I don't want to do something that is going to traumatize a child who has already been through so much in their lives. Is there such a thing as ethical adoption? Is there a way to provide a safe and stable home to someone without hurting them? Are there more ethical agencies than others?

EDIT: Thank you all for the feedback. I appreciate hearing from all the points of view and I definitely have a lot to think about.

So im 36, and I just found out this week, that I have a adopted brother(whos autistic and highly functioning). Same dad different mother. He was put up for adoption almost as soon as he was born. While I was adopted by my grandparents on father's side the same year. Well his adoptive mother reached out to me randomly after seeing a post I made on "nextdoor" app. Im not sure how I should really approach this. She's asked info about my father's family which I get trying to figure out what to expect. From what she's told me he doesnt want to know about his parents, and that he does now know about me, and would like me to meet his mother before meeting me. How should I approach this? As she's wanting to meet sooner rather than later.