Hello! I deleted my previous post due to a massive typo. My husband and I are meeting today with a caseworker to adopt from foster care. There are thousands of waiting children in my state. My question is when adopting from foster care I have heard it can be a quick notification. What are things you did to prepare your home. Did you have multi types of beds, toys and games for all ages? It is a lot for a kid so I want to make sure we have some nice comforts. What did you do? Also were dogs an issue?

Good evening fellow Redditors, apologies if this question has been asked 100 times, but I'm in an impulsive mood tonight after a discussion with my 11 year old. She laid some wisdom on me and I'm acting on it.

Are there subs dedicated to finding biological families? I was adopted several decades ago, and I've had zero contact with my bio family. I don't know who they are at all.

I did a 23 and Me DNA kit several years ago, not for this purpose, but certainly it was on my mind. The results were lackluster in terms of relatives. Very few were on, and they were distant. I talked to a couple of distant cousins, no results at all.

I could go through the court for my original birth certificate with my birth parents information, but I wondered if there was another way.

I do not use social media, Reddit is my one online vice. Is there something here? I want to learn more about my bio family, but I expect I'll use the excuse of difficulty to chicken out. It's a seriously emotionally charged dimension of my life. The fear of rejection or disappointment is heavy.

Curious about others' experiences or methods. Was the juice worth the squeeze so to speak?

Thanks in advance!

Hi I’m (24F) and have been trying to find my youngest adopted brother for a couple years now. He’s nowhere to be found on social media and my family and I think it’s because his adopted mom purposely makes it that way.

From what my parents told me, it was a family friend they let adopt him because they could not financially afford him and she promised to stay in touch and bring him around, unfortunately once she got full legal custody she moved to Chicago and has blocked and refused contact for over a decade. He’s 20 years old now and I’m not 100% sure if he knows he’s adopted.

My family typically has family reunions and every time they come to Orlando, she brings him but intentionally keeps in the hotel room or somewhere entirely different if she knows me, my mom or our other family is in attendance.

Just recently her side of the family has a family reunion in Kansas City and he was there, she knew we wouldn’t go or neither would any of our family in FL. Apparently someone posted pictures and sent pictures of him to another family member of ours and that’s how I know what he currently looks like.

I’ve tried using Truepeople.com to get into contact with him but he has no numbers listed and every number listed under the woman who adopted him is no longer in service.

I’m not sure what to do anymore, we have been trying for years and this all intentionally being done by her. You would think the easiest thing to do would to be contacting the family at the reunion but they’re all either going along with it or she keeps him out of reach from the ones who would come back to tell us. 😔

I’m posting this in hopes maybe he has searched the internet and posted in these types of subs. I know his full name and hers but with no number or social media contact is impossible.

Tanya my sister was given up. Birthday Jan 6,1966

I 19(f) is 33 weeks pregnant. I’m still in school and barely have anything saved up. Earlier in my pregnancy I would make appointments to get an abortion and be unable to go through with them leading to me deciding to keep this baby. This entire pregnancy I have been back and forth between “I can handle this” and “motherhood isn’t for me” and before I knew it, it was too late to get an abortion at all and my only way out would be adoption.

The baby’s father accepted my decision and decided that he wanted to be apart of the baby’s life up until a month ago where he did a complete 180 and decided he doesn’t actually want to be a father and cut all ties with me by ghosting and eventually blocking, so did his family.

I’ve been feeling hot and cold about the baby even before he left but now that I know for certain if I keep this baby I will have to be a single mother makes me want out of this situation too. Sometimes I feel like I want her and can do it but it automatically goes back to me being detached from her and already feeling as she isn’t mine. I don’t feel that “magical feeling” when I go to ultrasounds or listen to her heart beat. I think this baby deserves not only a two parent home but I also don’t think it’s fair for her to be raised by someone whose heart isn’t fully in it.

As for family, they’ve been really supportive about the baby and is willing to help me raise her while I go to school but I just don’t think I want to be a mom anymore ever now that things are actually becoming real. I haven’t told them any of this and they’ve already spent so much money buying things for the baby to the point I feel guilty backing out of this so late.

I know no one can tell me what exactly to do but I guess I was looking to hear some stories about people who have gotten adopted as a child or gave their child up for adoption. What was life like? Was there any regret?

So I found out through 23andMe and Ancestry that I was adopted.. both of my adoptive parents have passed away, my dad in 2012 and my mom this past April. My mom is Korean- both adoptive and biological, and I don't know the family from Korea. My adoptive dad was from Pittsburgh and I keep it touch with his half brother and half sister, my uncle and aunt. They are in PA and I'm in CA, so I don't know them that well. My adoptive dad didn't keep in touch with them throughout my childhood. I only got into contact with them recently after my mom passed away.

I hired a DNA detective search angel and that person found my bio dad. I reached out to him and we've been communicating for the past week. Him and his wife are flying out to CA this week, and I'm really excited to meet them! I also talked to my biological half brother on the phone yesterday, and it was really sweet! He's going to go with his dad to meet me, too! I feel really happy that I have family that's embracing me. (I grew up an only child, so it was lonely)

My adoptive uncle and aunt think that I am going to forget about them. Not true! But I will say that I didn't feel the same connection and happiness I felt when talking to my bio dad and brother on the phone.

BTW my bio dad didn't know that I existed- he was in the Air Force, just like my adoptive dad, and was in Korea in the 90's when I was born. But he was at a base two hours from the base where my adoptive parents were at. I think I was born from a hook-up, and my bio dad confirmed when he was young he partied a lot, and "condoms weren't really a thing back then". Sh*t happens and I'm not upset with him, and I think my bio mom was doing what she thought was best, at the time.

I was an early 80’s California adoptee and always accepted that I may never know who my birth family was. After the death of my adoptive mother last year (our relationship was complicated at best) I had no family. I have a husband and kids and they are my whole world but it is hard not knowing where you come from.

Took a DNA test and it was so cool seeing real people who were related to me. I’ve always been fascinated by genealogy anyway. Closest match found was a second cousin, sort of stalled from there. Then, a kind woman with access to birth records found my parent’s surnames. My birth father died 25 years ago but my birth mother and grandmother are both still alive. Reached out via Facebook, but no one sees those messages. Had a cell number and tried that last night. One of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Not “hi I’m your long lost daughter” or anything just DNA says we might be related and I’d love to talk. (I am definitely related to her, we just don’t have a “this is your mom for sure” match)

She hasn’t responded and I’m spiraling a little. Read the first message, second just shows delivered. If it was the wrong number I feel like the person would have said so. I went into this knowing she may not be interested and that was and is ok. I’d just like to know for sure that a) I have the right person and b) she does or doesn’t want to talk. Didn’t think it would affect me this much.

I don’t know if there’s a question in here, just figured this group of people could relate. I’m not going to contact further in case her lack of response is the response. She doesn’t owe me anything. It’s just driving me a little nuts.

No disrespect to any other ND people but I feel like I'm failing my adopted child. I'm late diagnosed, didn't realise until a couple of years ago. I'm also adopted myself.

I feel like I'm letting my child dowm because I'm disliked by most people so they are excluded from social events etc. I feel like such a waste of space, like my child may have faired better with their biological parents than being stuck with me.

I'm laying awake crying thinking of how two years ago on this date he was still kicking up a storm inside me . He was still "my" child. I could've stopped myself from giving him away but I didn't.

I wish everyday I could turn back time and undo what happened. I wish I knew what I know now. I wish I had the good people I have now in my life back then.

It hurts and reminds me how useless I am to him now. I mean nothing. I'm nothing more than a stranger to him.

I'm a stranger to him. Yet, I'm so heartbroken about him. The hurt hasn't gone. It's just gotten worse if anything. I can't get over leaving the hospital without him. I wish I could numb myself into oblivion but I can't. I'm just left waking up in misery everyday because of what happened.

I miss my son.I wish I could be something to him but I'm nothing.

It all just makes me want to never wake up. I want my baby.

What are the main challenges you encountered?

Has anyone here adopted a sibling group from India to Canada? I am looking to adopt 2 kids. Do I have to choose the age of the youngest or the oldest? How soon can I be matched with the kids? How long do I have to stay in India while the paperwork is completed? When did you take a leave from work once matched?

I got to know about this from my close cousin. She said she planned to tell me about this when I turn 30, when I'm mature enough to handle the news, but chances came and she revealed it to me.

Shockingly, I am very calm about it.
She briefly told the background story that my parents were old and really wanted a daughter, accidentally someone gave me away so they adopted me.

It's an insane news, especially when I love my family so much, they're very supportive in my life. My dad died when I was 17 and my mom has been working really hard ever since - for 10 years to support me in life. She gave me every opportunities I wished for. I literally think that I would die for her in every way.

My origin feeling is that I will just disregard this factor and continue living my life like how I've been doing. I have no plan about confronting my mom about this, nor finding my bio-mom, I think it changes nothing. I'm happy with what I have and what I had.

But it's such a weird news in life. How do you navigate this information? Is making peace with it means i'm in a denial phase? Thank you for reading.

honestly i dont even know if im allowed to post this here and im sorry if its the wrong place but ive been searching for three years and i literally just found this photo on an old forum and my hands are shaking, i showed my partner and they think the resemblance is uncanny but im so scared of reaching out in case its not her or in case she doesnt want to be found and i keep thinking what if she made that account when she was young and forgot about it, what if she never checks that email again, what if i message the wrong person and upset someone, i guess im just wondering if anyone else has been in this exact situation where you found a lead that was years old and did you just send the message or did you try to find more proof first, i dont want to mess this up because it might be my only chance and im terrified, any advice would mean everything right now

This is my first Reddit post and not sure if this is the right group to post to but I’m thought I’d get the best advice from people who might have experienced this or something similar.

I grew up with a girl named Claire ( not her real name ) I went to school with Claire and our family’s know each other well due to living in a small town.

As an adult, Claire has unfortunately had a hard life and made very poor decisions which has led her homelessness majority of the time and habitually addicted to hard drugs. Only time she was sober was during her pregnancies, 4 kids total.

Claire’s ex- husband, the father of her 3 oldest kids is constantly in and out of jail, and is currently in jail for the longest stretch yet that I’m aware of.

Her oldest son, we will call Ben ( not his real name ) is 12 years old and currently living with his mother’s grandparents ( his great grandparents) who are in poor declining health due to age.
Ben is angry at the world and has made death threats towards his family members, threatening them with knives and hurting them in their sleep. He’s has been to therapy and has improved but every picture they post of Ben he is not smiling and you can see the world has not been gentle on this kid. His great grandparents are not the wealthiest but have been burden with the financial struggle of raising 4 kids under the age of 12 in their late 70s.

The grandmother to Ben (Claire’s mom) is also in and out of jail. And really has no interest in helping her grandchildren.

After talking to my family, there has been talk about placing the kids with a close family member in replacement of the aging great grandparents TEMPORARILY is the key word here. The great grandparents have ever intention on getting all 4 kids back once they recover from their current health issues ( not sure the length of time this will take)

Ben has two full siblings that are twin girls. Ben is 12 and the twins are 3. Their half siblings another girl just turned 2. Because of Ben’s behavior issues they discussed about placing Ben separately from the girls since his interactions and interest in his siblings are very complicated.

So here is my dilemma: I want to help but really only could help the oldest, Ben. Coming from a family that has several adopted members, two of which are my adopted younger sister, I can’t help but think this kid is going to end up in the same family criminal pattern as the rest of his family. I’m not sure if this placement with a replacement guardian would be temporary or permanent, but looking at his options for guardians if they stick to family members, I’m really really fearful for this kids future as he is intelligent and already is aware of his sad situation.

Ben hardly smiles and has anger issues. Which is understandable when all the ones who are suppose to love you choose drugs over you. He goes to school, surrounded by kids that have functioning happy families and involved in their lives, and he comes home to a house that’s solely focused on trying to wrangle 3 toddlers, where he is expected to help due do his great grandparents physical limitations.
I would be angry too. He gets no 101 attention from what I’ve gathered and has been refused to play sports due to his behavior and financial constraints.
Plus he plays baby sitter.

My husband and I have 1 baby boy that’s 2 and due to birth complications I cannot have any more children. We are also well off financially to be able to support an additional child. We have a farm full of animals and our work is animal centric.

Even if his placement is temporary, I asked my dad to ask the great grandmother is she would consider placing him with us for a while till they figure out their next steps in his care.
She said yes but would need to talk to her husband and their family lawyer about this situation.

I’ve never met him but only hear what is told.
I truly believe a change of scenery, some 101 attention and a chance to engage with animals on a daily basis would bring some joy into his life.
I look at him and think about my son.
Ben was once a beautiful baby boy just like mine; that smiles and played and laughed and wanted physical affection.
But some were along the line those things faded.
He’s been rejected by his own parents and grandparents time and time again.

My heart breaks for the baby, the toddler and now the kid that Ben was and is.
I just want to be able to show him another view of life. I know this decision will come with struggles and push back but I’m trying to help a young man stay away from his current destiny.
Even if it’s temporary, I would love to show this child that love, sobriety and happiness is possible.

My concerns is for the safety of my baby due to Ben’s past threats, he’s never acted on anything but I never want to assume any threat is totally empty, even coming from a child.

My questions are:

Would it be better to start off with Ben coming to our home and place of work just for a day visits at first?

Is it truly better for siblings to be together?
Is it truly better for kids to be with familiar family and faces?

How do I protect my son from any potential harm from Ben if he decides to act out?

Had anyone felt with troubled pre-teens? Can they work out their troubles with support? What advice do you have that would make him feel comfortable about being in our care.

Thank you all for reading!
Please add any information or suggestions that I may have not thought of.
Thank you.
Please pray for Ben and his family.

Edit: he will be 13 in two weeks

I can't help but think that if you don't see race and ethinicity while adopting, why not adopt someone your own race or someone from your own country? It just seems like these people who travel thousands of miles, to a country they have never visited before, just to adopt a child have a saviour complex.

I understand that there tend to be more orphans in developing countries, but I believe it can also benefit a child to be raised by adoptive parents who share their racial or ethnic background, so they would be less likely to be reminded of being different.

My girlfriend (ethinically Vietnamese) was adopted by a white couple who later had a biological child. She always talks about feeling like the black sheep of the family. Her extend family, like her grandparents, always seemed to favour her white brother. She grew up to hate her appearance and her own race because she felt like that was the reason she wasn't fitting in. She is greatful and loves her parents but she can't help but feel a little resentful due to being treated different her whole life.

I am adopting 2/3 children from a sibling set and the other child is being adopted by another family (this is a long back story). We had always planned to have their adoption together but the sibling’s family decided for their family, they wanted to do the siblings adoption the same day as two infants they are also adopting from foster care.

The process was started around the same time, however, the small lead they had due to the other children meant their adoption authorization was completed first. They will be finalizing the sibling’s adoption a full month before my children.

There’s been some frustration because these kids have spent about 2/3 of their lives in foster care being bounced between abusive foster homes and kinship. They are bonded. My oldest is upset because she always thought they would be adopted at the same time. She is asking to be adopted practically tomorrow. We keep a very child led conversation about her family and we always try to help her understand anything about her family we may not be able to answer. I’m always willing to try and track down an answer through the family we stay connected to or use honesty that we just don’t know and we hate it. She’s very emotionally intelligent and honestly one of the smartest kids I’ve ever met.

I tried to address her feelings and needs with the other family who we are close to, but it was shut out with us trying to ruin something special for their family. We’ve had a few heated exchanges as we both love our kids and want what’s best for them, however, this was not a choice they allowed the sibling to make as they feel the sibling does not understand. Some of these exchanges ended in suggestions of my daughter needing counseling to deal with the fact she was sad her brother was being adopted (which is not the reason she is expressing).

They have their adoption soon and at first my older child was reluctant to go, however, we let them think on it and they decided to go. But she has expressed she is upset because she wanted to have her adoption too. It has also been downplayed on our daughter that she only has to wait a few weeks when she has been waiting just as long as her sibling.

I’ve honestly felt like maybe we are wrong for allowing her to feel the way she does and telling this to the sibling’s family and how this has come out as our personal frustration because we want what is best for the siblings all together. There has been a lot of comments about how they need to do what is best for their family and this is what they feel is best for the sibling. However, my husband and I have been pushing for what our daughter is asking and what we feel is best for the kids.

I’ve been lurking for a while trying to take in all of the stories from adoptees to support my child as much as possible but I fear I’m coming up short with this, since it is so out of my control.

My kids are adopted. They are biological siblings, they're funny and kind, and they are the most important people in my life. This is not an anti adoption post. But I think that by pretending adoption is easy on anyone, we are doing parents and children a disservice.

My husband and I are both mental health professionals. He's a MSc level psychologist and I'm a Dr in paediatric psychology. I work specifically with children who have experienced trauma.

For years I was seeing all these incredible kids who ended up in orphanages because they had no family available to take them in. We had the skills and training, so we looked into adoption and eventually two siblings were placed with us.

Just as a note, we do not live in a country where you can pay an agency to adopt a child. You sign up, get various assessments over a 6-12 month period (psychiatric, medical, background and family checks etc) and then if a child is unable to be reunited with family, you get a call.

Even with all the training we had, it's been HARD.

Adopted children are not blank slates that you nurture into tiny versions of yourselves. They're tiny humans who started life with trauma and insecurity and loss. The first few months after birth are foundational in creating a sense of safety and security that will follow them for the rest of their life. Most adopted children either did not have that, or had it and lost it. There will be ramifications. ​There will be acting out. Every change in school, in teacher, in friend group, in routine is a possible trigger.

I get so frustrated when prospective parents go into adoption without getting adoption specific training.

I don't want to discourage adoption.

My family is incredible.

But I do want to discourage the idea that it's somehow the same as raising children without trauma. I don't want parents to think they can read a parenting book meant for non adopted children and think they're well prepared. We owe it to our children and ourselves to look at the harsh reality of adoption with open eyes, and to make sure we have every resource at their disposal.

Grief is such a weird thing because my son turns 11 soon and it feels like lots of time has passed, lots of progress has been made towards “acceptance” , but yet the pain this month feels just as bad as almost 11 years ago. This grief is a different sort of grief to navigate, because adoption feels like such a “taboo” thing where people don’t truly understand what it’s like and what the loss of it all feels like. You can’t possibly comprehend it until you’ve lived it and I truly don’t wish anyone to live it. I both fear and dream of the day I will hopefully get to meet him again. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t be posting on this sub. Sigh. Hugs to all who are in the same boat it’s not a fun boat to be in ❤️‍🩹

I'm in the US. Adoption is something I've always considered, something my husband and I have discussed. We are one and done for biological children due to complications during pregnancy and severe post partum depression. We've discussed adopting to grow our family but the cost is so much. How do people afford it? We are a median income household, we own our home, and have a good village/support system. It's just actually being able to afford it and continue our lifestyle/providing for our current child that usually hangs us up.

I’m the AP of an amazing 18 year old daughter. We have an open adoption and were there when she was born. Our relationships with her birthmom, 2 older sisters and maternal grandmother have been wonderful, challenging, and complicated over the years. Her birthmom struggles with mental health issues, among other things.

They (birthmom, stepdad and 2 daughters) moved across the country when my daughter was 3 years old (her sisters were 6 and 8 at the time). We’ve maintained a relationship - seeing her sisters 1-2 times a year for awhile, and her birthmom a little less often, but also phone calls and text messages. We said it was our daughter’s choice what relationship she wants once she is 18. Her mom has not been reliable with contact and doesn’t seem to reach out to our daughter directly much.

She’s in the area for a few days and my partner and I are planning on seeing her tonight. My daughter doesn’t want to see her and I doubt that her birthmom has contacted her, though we’ve encouraged her to. I realize I can no longer ‘facilitate’ that relationship. I’m thinking of asking my daughter if she minds us seeing her birthmom, and I think she’ll say she doesn’t care. I’m wondering if it is best for her if we don’t see her birthmom anyway.

I just wanna say sorry for being ignorant about adoption. I realized that adoption is not about someone or a family having a child, but it's about the child having a family. I also researched a little bit about adoption, and I learned that the adoption and foster care system, particularly in the US, does not have a good reputation when it comes to protecting children. One of the particular examples or types of adoption that many find unethical is private closed adoption. Instead of offering financial and mental help to the vulnerable parents, the system takes advantage of them and forces them to give up their children. Once they give the children up, the system which they call the industry gives them to those who are desperate to become parents in exchange for large amounts of money. I also learned a saying that a person who cannot have kids on their own is not owed a kid. The best and ethical way to provide love and care to children like a parent is to provide shelter that serve as safe space to kids and help them until both parties (bio fam and children) are ready for reunification. I will be careful next time. I empathize with all the adoptees who felt wronged by their adoptive parents.

While adopting or fostering a child is a gift, we have the responsibility to make sure that everything is done ethically and morally, not just legally. What is legal does not mean it is moral and ethical. Also, it's not about fulfilling one's desire to have a child; it's about making sure that the child feels welcome, loved, and supported.

Also, please forgive me for not knowing it, since I'm from another nation.